Tuesday, April 17, 2012

It's All About ME

Yes, this post is all about me.

Actually, I am trying to learn to be less self-absorbed. The thing is, one of the stateside BFFs just called to check on me. As we talked, she told me that she has become very introspective. She feels she will be happier with her life if she can really understand who she is to herself and how other people see her.

I'm not sure what put my girl in this kind of a mood, but I got drawn in by the whole idea. I asked her how she planned to go about this self-awareness thing, how she thinks it will matter to her happiness.

"I think that real peace and happiness is about finding yourself," she says. "Knowing where you are now, what you feel, what you need. It's the only way to be you and do you."

Huh?

A couple of my friends talk like that. It sounds so very cool to me. And I get it - mostly. Just takes me a minute to let the meanings soak in.

So now, I am sitting here, trying to find myself...

LOL. I got nothing!

This is really kind of sad.  I am going to call up my niece and see if she can help me out.

I ask her what kind of person I am. She does a lot of hemming and hawing and says, "You are my...auntie. That's a hard question." (We really were on the phone as I typed this.)

She got quiet for so long, I did that thing where I go, "Gabby? You still there?"

She's still there and this is what she came up with, in a kind of free-flow fashion:

"You are... Driven, experimental (will try new things, adventurous), you just now put Greek yogurt into some Vanilla Bean ice cream - by the way: YUCK. Funny. You are very funny... This is hard! Those are the best things about you. And you're a good conversationalist."

Me: "So what are some bad things?"

"You can be kind of moody - that's the nicest way I can say that. And... Um, ummmm, hmmmm. Oh! You can be argumentative, but that's genetic. We don't really argue, we just kind of debate. Everything."

Good. Good. This really isn't so bad. I'm getting excited now so I'm going to go ask my other niece and my sister. This is going to be fun. I'm taking pen and paper because I have a mind like a raggedy sieve. We are no longer "live," people. I will have to come back to this.

I go downstairs where the ladies are in the kitchen and dining room with Baby D.J. (Too bad D.J. can't talk yet. That kid would have me elevated to sainthood!)

"Okay, you guys, I'm doing this thing where I need you to tell me some good and bad things about myself," I tell them. "I need you to be really, super honest. I can handle it."

My big sister doesn't even ask why I want to know this stuff. (I've been this way all my life & my family is used to me.) She is fixing beans and ground beef to make burritos for dinner and she didn't even pause.

"Intellectual and sometimes a flat-out bitch."

Oooh. Ouch. (Let me explain that the other night I had a little moment of rage with my sister as the target. From what they tell me, I took "rage" to a whole other prednisone-based, foul-mouthed level.)

"But you know I love you," she finishes and goes back to her burritos. (What you wanna bet she forgets to put some non-spicy filling aside for me? I'll probably have flaming taste buds after dinner!)

"Okay, how about you?" I ask my niece. (She just loves this kind of thing. She and I are weird like that.)

"On the non-positive side, I'll say anti-social - at time. Can be a calculating starts-with-B-and-rhymes-with-snitch."

I can take this. Really, I can. "What about on the positive side?"

"Great debater of ideas, opinionated, can be extremely generous and compassi-"

"What do you mean by 'can be?'" I asked. "Am I or am I not?"

"Usually. Since the Sarc...um, it's a little iffy."

"Okay. I get it. Go on."

"That's about it. Oh - and you used to be very focused."

(There are those italics in her tone again. Whatever.)

My nephew has come in during all of this. I explain what I'm doing and he gives me his take in about 4.6 seconds.

"You are one of the most generous and caring people in the world. You will do anything for those you care about."

Score!

"But you can also be stubborn and unwilling to admit someone else might be right about something you don't agree with."

I can't even argue with that because then I will be proving him right. In front of witnesses. Damn.

Well, because other family members and a friend that I need to hear from are out of state, I sent text messages at 2:16pm with the same challenge.

From my little brother (who adores me! ~grin~) at 2:25pm - "Spiritual, analytical, discerning, reliable, stubborn, blunt, set in your own ways.  Love you!"

At 2:27pm - "I forgot loyal and incredibly intelligent. Love you!"

At 2:28pm - "And a helluva writer."

From my other niece at 2:44pm - "I'd say organized, disciplined, consistent and responsible. Not to mention types 100 words a minute." (She has not seen me type since I sarc'ed out.)

From a friend in Texas at 2:19pm - "You are so sweet that it's almost childlike. Mean sometimes. Dreamy. Naive. Hard. Smart. Fun. Funny. Funner. Loving. Will say almost anything. Will shut down. Will shut people out of your life if they hurt you. Afraid and brave at the same time. Love you, miss you, wish I was with you."

So.

Now I have some feedback to work with. It does help me think about myself a little clearer. While I would like to just focus on all the cool stuff my fam said about me, I do know that some of the strongest of my traits are the less glowing ones. I tend to be moody. (I am Cancer the crab & I don't really believe in the nonsense of horoscopes, but reading about the sign of Cancer could pull me in.) I am selfish at times without even realizing it. I am opinionated and even when I waffle around feelings on an issue, I'm tooth and nail whichever way I'm going at the moment. Also, I tend to brood. I can be really childish if my feelings get hurt. And I have only recently learned not to hold a grudge. (Okay, I still hold grudges, but not for as long and not for really silly things. Usually.)

Other than that, I am a great gal. LOL

I will spend some time thinking about all this. I want to work on being better in so many areas and I'm going to start  - right - now!

Peace
--Free

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