Being Free

Responding to People Who Say Hurtful Things

2012-01-27T14:08:00.002-07:00

I posted here about certain types of people who practice the art of verbal cruelty. A couple weeks ago, a friend and I were talking about people she was having problem with, It's taken me a while to get the post written out, but here goes: I'm going to attempt to supply some quick responses to those attacks. I can only use my own experience as a guide, with a little help from a friend:

** "Wow, thanks for saying that. I feel so much better now."

** "You do know that I just live for the kindness of your words."

** "If I ever paid attention to the things you say to/about me, I'd've slit my wrists years ago."

** "I'm so glad that someone I care about has such nice things to say to/about me."

** "Aww... Now that's how you express love and compassion."

** "Did you come up with that while you were sitting in church on Sunday?"

** "I'm so glad I have family to turn to when the world has finished kicking the crap out of me."

** "Things like that just make me so glad you are my ______." (co-worker, sibling, etc.)

** "Can you please repeat that? I have just a little bit of self esteem left."

** "Can you slap me with your words again? You missed a spot."

** "Oh, wow. And here I thought you were going to make me the butt of your joke."

** "Do you feel better now? I know I do."

** "Okay then. I guess I know how much you respect me."

** "Are you sure you're my brother? My worst enemy hasn't cut me that bad."

** "Hmm. I guess everyone is laughing so that you don't turn on them next."

** "Just when I was having a bad day, here you come to cheer me up."

** "Do you pray to God with that mouth?"

** "I hope if you pray for me, you have better things to say."

And, yes, I do know that this seems a little passive-aggressive, but for those of us who are not certified jerk professionals, this is easiest.

Peace
--Free

Sometimes People Lie & Sometimes They Don't

2012-01-26T09:36:00.000-07:00

(NOTE: Even if you don't read this post, please scroll to the bottom for some helpful support resources.)

Sometimes people lie to you, but sometimes they tell you the truth. Sometimes either one can be hurtful.

I realize that I use that word a lot: "hurtful." It fits the way I feel so often.

People will tell those little "white" lies to ease a friend's guilt about needing a favor ("Oh, of course I don't mind," or "Anytime, you just ask" and "That's what friends are for"). Sometimes the lies people tell make us feel bad. We're not surprised when a lie ends up hurting us, but when the truth cuts, it cuts deep.

The other day I was saying something about how my Sarc was making me feel. (I'm supposed to keep notes for the doctor, but my memory is bad and I guess I tend to repeat myself.) A couple of my family members asked me to "try not to think about it so much."

Oh, really? Like if I don't think about it, I don't feel bad. Or I suddenly can remember things I've said and not repeat myself?

Their words sounded kind on the surface, but they were just code for "We're tired of hearing it."

That's hurtful because, guess what? I'm tired of having it. I'm tired of knowing that I repeat things. Tired of needing to depend on people to remember things for me so that when I go to my appointments, I don't forget to tell the doctor.

Whatever.

So, I have decided to stop telling them anything. My best friend told me that she will keep notes for me. That's sweet of her, but I'm worried that I will burn her out too. If my own family is tired of me, how can I expect more from my friend?

Actually, I do understand where my family is coming from. It does get tiresome hearing about someone else's problems all the time. I get that. If I am depressed by what I am going through, why would anyone else want to hear about it? So, yeah, I want to be hurt, but I do understand how weary people get of hearing about my "Sarc." I probably talk way too much about my aches and pains. The thing is - ignoring it doesn't make the pain go away, it doesn't make me feel less depressed.

The only thing I can think of is to go ahead and join the support group my social worker told me about. I should have done it when she first mentioned it, but I told her then that I "have a very supportive family." (Okay, yeah, I do feel stupid now, in case you wonder! LOL)

Anyway, if you live in the Anchorage, Alaska area and you need to join any type of support group, contact the Providence Family Medicine Center. The folks there have some groups of their own, but they also have lists of other local groups that meet in support of various issues. If you live elsewhere, contact the hospitals and clinics for information about a group that supports your condition. Look up phone numbers for support groups.

The important thing is: get support. Not everyone is "strong." There is nothing "weak" about needing to express your feelings. Any serious illness or condition is life-changing and can be frightening. Please, reach out and get help to deal with the frustrations. And, by the way, prayer works if you have faith.

Peace
--Free

Support Resources:

Chronic Illness Meetup Groups (Look up by zip. If none in your area, you can create one.)
Experience Project (Website with forums, etc. Requires signup.)
List of U.S. List of health organizations (Extensive list so look for your specific issue!)
National Mental Health Assoc.
Suicide Hotline **1-800-273-TALK (8255)**

Also, Catholic Churches tend to have resources or information about many support groups.

God Bless.

Teeth, Eyes or Limb?

2012-01-24T07:04:00.002-07:00

Yes, it's time once again to play the game of If-you-had-to-lose-one-thing... (I don't know why I do this over and over. Well, I do know: it's because my answer always changes!)

Let's see - if you had to lose one thing today (other than your life, of course), what would it be? And I'm not talking about things like the love of God. I don't play around with that! I'm talking some ability or function.

My first thought is that I would not mind losing my ability to taste things. Maybe my big behind would lose some weight! I'd only want to lose taste if I could also lose any sense of smell. I know that the two go together, but I think it would be absolute torture to be able to smell a wondeful meal AT ALL and not be able to savor the taste. Then again, if I could not smell, what about things like fire?

Sooo... No. Taste and smell are out.

Hearing woud be my next choice. Except I am so nosy that nosy is a required daily vitamin in my life! But we'll hold that one aside. I might could deal with lack of hearing.

Sight is definitely out. I can't even stand my situation of being... whatever it is when big things are blurred at a distance and small things are blurred up close. Yeah, I've had a taste blurring sight. I don't think I would want to be blind. Again - too nosy and too visual. I love being able to see the beauty in things.

This is getting kind of tough.

Losing the sense of touch might not be the worst thing. How bad would it be to not be able to feel something? (And I mean this for those of us past our youthful hormonal existence and primary reason for living.)

I think I am on to something with the touch thing. I really can't imagine any cons. Think of the benefits...

Doing the worst of your dishes without being bothered by the residue of leftovers and the slime of old soapy water. Doing laundry without feeling those crusty-toed socks that men seem to create just by wearing them.

Okay, that's not exactly a plethora of benefits, but the lists of cons is pretty bare.

Wow. I think I finally have the answer to this quandary!

Peace
--Free

Where I sit

2012-01-22T23:52:00.003-07:00

So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spake a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great. (Job 2:13)

I have been listening some to the contending politicians. Some are doing a lot of talk about people in need. What they are saying is not very thoughtful or insightful By that I mean that they are not thinking deeply about what they say and they are speaking on things into which they have little personal insight. How do I know this? Because I have said some of the same things in the same way.

Little did I know - back when I was pontificating on it - that poverty and need is not a stereotype. There is no stereotype for those conditions. There are stereotypes for actions and consequences, but not for conditions and circumstances.

I am black and female, on food stamps and medicaid. Sounds like a what some would call a stereotypical situation until you think more about how I got here and have some insight into how it affects me.

I was previously of a different "stereotype." A woman in a solid family, working in skilled fields of employment - as a corporate trainer for a customs broker, then as a real estate clerk, then as a specialist in a state unemployment office. Yes, the irony. I owned an average home (nothing fancy, but not shabby, and in a very decent neighborhood), drove an average car, had the average "working stiff" lifestyle. I never considered myself as being financially poor, but realized that I was not upper middle-class or above and was content with that. I have no criminal history - in fact, I had a Homeland Security/FBI clearance for my brokerage employment - and my neighbors felt safe living near me. I was liked and respected.

That was about six years ago.

Understand, please, that living does not always go as we plan. Things happen that you don't expect to. Economies stumble, families lose members, hasty decisions turn out badly, people lie to each other. One thing leads to another - another same sort of thing, another good or better thing, or another bad or worse thing.

In my case, I have been led to where I lost a house, finances crashed badly, emotional health suffered, then physical health followed.

Here I am. Black. Female. On food stamps. On medical aid.

I am not a statistic or a stereotype. I am a person trying to heal and get back to a better place in life.

Please don't talk about me as if I have a color-coded, bar-scanned tag plastered across my forehead. Don't try to popularize your opinions - to win votes or friends or an argument around the office - by labeling my situation. You might be right here where I am someday. If not you then maybe your son, daughter or other loved one.

In the meantime, don't wait to be where I am to gain compassion.

I am taking action to get better and to get out of this situation. That's really all anyone else needs to care about.

Peace
--Free

Edrick

2012-01-17T02:55:00.001-07:00

In thinking about and talking about people I know, I can list the good, the bad and the ugly. I know a lot of beautiful people. I know people who I believe should have halos and wings. Then there are those people who should have horns and a spiky tail! lol... One of those people I will call Edrick. Good as name as any:

Edrick is the person who is very intelligent, charming and sure of himself. We all know an Edrick. He is the one who is fazed by nothing. The one who never sees things as a worry but as a challenge. We all secretly (or even not so secretly) want to be a bit like Edrick.

Edrick is an accomplisher, a meeter of goals, a riser to challenges, a winner, a success. Edrick is driven to taste all the finer things the world has to offer. Edrick is never content, never still, never at ease. Edrick lives for more, bigger, faster, latest, better and best.

But Edrick has his own errors of personality.

Edrick - for all that he is and all that he has - is lacking something. There is a meanness about Edrick, a need to belittle people. Edrick needs, just every now and then, to make someone the butt of a joke or a taunt. He needs to be just a touch cruel. It's as though Edrick's own decency is held together with a very fine and fragile network of emotional wires that sometime snap.

Edrick is the one who will, in the midst of laughter, warmth and camaraderie, suddenly toss out a nasty jibe at the unsuspecting. What he says will have the illusion of being in jest while having the ability to cut deep into the soul of his victim. But because of his charm, Edrick will get away with it. His victims are chosen carefully - they are the ones who love him, look up to him and want to please him. They are timid and eager not to be hurt. And when they are hurt, they hold it inside with all the other gifts of pain and disappointment that Edrick has doled out over time.

The Edricks of the world feel tallest when standing above someone and feel most powerful when a light is shining their way. That is the error of the Edricks of the world. There is a missing piece to all that they are, all that they have accomplished, all that they gather.

I believe there are too many Edricks because the world admires Edricks. The world does not stand up to them. No one speaks for the victims of Edricks. The only way to survive an Edrick is to be steeped in God's love and favor and strength or to be as wicked and lacking as an Edrick.

So, of the people I have known in this life, the Edricks are the most damaging and exhaustive. Fortunately, there are anti-Edricks. I will save those for other posts.

Peace
--Free

Afflicted

2012-01-15T11:36:00.001-07:00

Definitions of "depression"

Psychiatry . a condition of general emotional dejection andwithdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than thatwarranted by any objective reason.

A depressed or sunken place or part; an area lower than thesurrounding surface.

Both work when talking about the state of our minds and lives.

There are so many amazing people using Google Plus. Someone there was brave enough to announce his personal battles with depression. Another person remarked that "Silence is deadly." So I am speaking following example and speaking out here about my own battle. (Not that regular readers probably haven't guessed at it before!)

I don't really know how to address the issue except to point out some things I have noticed:

My depression is mine and no one else's. I don't understand it fully and I can't expect others to understand it with or for me.
I don't need people to understand it. I just need them to accept me with my depression and it's weight.
Some people feel that depression is just a bad mood that a person can "snap out of."
Being depressed is not the worst part of this battle. Trying to pretend I am not depressed is the worst part. Trying to appear "normal" and "happy" when I am not.
Depression for me is sometimes a force of sudden "Un-ness." Un-expected, un-controllable, un-explainable, un-definable tears and grief and ground-opening-up-beneath emotional terror. There is a sense of being un-tethered from life, un-loved, un-lovable, un-needed, un-able, un-salvageable.
Depression for me is a sense of complete alone-ness. For long moments (minutes, hours, days...), I will feel as if I am locked in glass walls of sadness while I can see other people moving on around me, living their lives so normally while normal is not something I can comprehend at the time.
When depressed, I am not only sad but disappointed that others cannot see my pain. The things they do and say that have such profound impact on me - it means nothing to them because the can't understand my depression.

Maybe that explains it all somewhat. Maybe not.

Part of my depression is due to my Sarcoidosis. I was in a period of depression for months before I was diagnosed. It seems to have gotten worse with the raging of the Sarc. I think that some of my depression is due to the disease itself and some is due to my dealing with the disease. I don't know if that makes sense, but having the disease is one thing in a physical way and another thing is a daily living way.

Since I have been diagnosed, some people treat me as though I am less than I was before. Less smart, less capable, less human, less real, less worthy. God forbid I have a mood swing and get grumpy. This disease gives some people an excuse to be cruel and superior. But in a very nice and loving kind of way, mind you.

Depression is tough, but so is life. Depression is part of my life so I treat it as such. I am lucky to have an understanding and truly compassionate doctor and a best friend who deserves wings and a halo. They keep me steady (for the most part) and constantly repair me when I break myself into mental pieces and the rest of the world steps on those pieces.

If you know someone who you think might be depressed, pray for them. Try to approach the subject of their getting help. Make it easy for them to open up. It's okay for you not to understand the depression; you can still love the person. And don't let their smiles fool you. No one can appear happier than a person who is about to drown in depression.

Peace

--Free

Mami

2012-01-14T13:27:00.001-07:00

I was just now commenting on my G+ to someone about the sweet people I meet when I visit my sister during her dialysis treatments. One of them I think of as "Mami."

Mami is so easy to fall in love with. She is a tiny lady always wrapped in layers of shawls and scarves. Under all those wrappings, I can tell that she has lovely hair, thick and smoothed back in waves. When the technicians seat her in her dialysis chair and finish attaching her to the machine, they wrap her legs in blankets. Mami speaks very little English and I speak zero Filipino. We communicate with smiles, hand-to-hand touch and the feel of what we say to each other. It works.

Three times a week Mami and my sister receive their treatments, sitting for four hours while a machine cleanses their system of toxins. My sister watches DVDs or plays games on the tv that is provided. Mami watches tv for about ten minutes before she dozes off, sleeping like a child until time to go home. If the people around her talk too loudly or too much, she will wake and tell the techs that "They are too noisy. Too noisy for me to rest." And everyone will quiet down a little so that Mami can sleep.

Mami's son and daughter-in-law transport her to and from the treatments. She and I typically get to spend five or ten minutes together while she is waiting for her ride and I am waiting to take my sister home. We talk to each other in words and pantomine ("I was in the hospital this weekend. Chest pains." "Are you feeling okay right now?" "Yes, yes, I think so.") We manage to exchange bits of news ("How is your sister?" "She's doing well." "My husband will be coming here." "To dialysis?" "To Alaska. Here." "Where is he now?" "In the Philippines still, but he is coming here.") I learned that her husband is deceased. It doesn't matter, she still loves him so I always ask about him and she always tells me that he will be coming here soon.

When Mami's children arrive to take her home, she will touch her lips to my cheek and tell me she loves me. (When I first cut off most of my hair and felt de-Trudied, Mami told me "You are beautiful.") I tell her I love her. We will expect to see one another "day after tomorrow." Always day after tomorrow, every other day of the week, as long as dialysis works for Mami and my sister.

So that's what I can tell you about Mami.

Peace
--Free

I Didn't Break the Internet, But...

2012-01-07T16:27:00.003-07:00

... I did something to my Google Plus! LOL

I was over checking out the latest of "What's Hot" on G+ and... not sure what happened. I was trying to comment on a post I had just read and, um, it disappeared.

I'm not kidding. I am a little bit scared right now. I hope no one over there notices.

Anyway, here is another site showing the article, which is very, very cool. I get sick of young folks throwing the whole "green" thing in my face. This is the perfect response. Enjoy.

Peace
--Free

(P.S.: I'm going back over to G+ to see what the heck I did!!!)

It's Here: 2012

2012-01-01T15:01:00.002-07:00

Wow. When I was about 15 or 16, I could not have conceived of life in 2012. 2000 and 12... Whoa.

So, I made it. Sort of surreal to think of being alive in this year when I was born in 1963. Born into a world of no computers, no cable tv, no cell phones... And living in a world where all of that is almost passe! Wild.

I made resolutions, not many, but a few. I will keep them to myself, but can let you know that I decided it is an easier and less painful life if you only care much for the right people and things.

I wanted to take a picture that symbolized the new year, but can't find even one that begins to cover it. I will have to ask my niece Gabby to draw something for me.

Anyway - here's wishing you all a happy, blessed, healthy, peaceful and joyful 2012. May God keep you under His love.

Here is the best I can do for a pic for now. (Isn't this kid just adorable?) This is going to be a funky-happy new year! lol

Peace
--Free

Tactics for Difficult People?

2011-12-28T11:00:00.000-07:00

First, there was the great and much needed resource of Isaiah 43:1-3 which helped me and several other people I have since talked with. Then there was the information on the Living Wills/Advanced Directives. Now, there is even more information on a subject I had been dealing with over the last few weeks: dealing with difficult people. Surprisingly, this is a little more humorous than you might think.

As you know, I had been having problems with someone who was working a real manipulation on me: breaking me down by ignoring me, diminishing my past achievements and efforts on their behalf while building up someone else in front of me. It almost worked, but I broke through the situation's effect on me with prayer. Thankfully, it did not damage my very important relationship with the other person they were using.Now that both of us are aware of the situation and dealing with it together. (Might want to go do some warfare with those verses from Isaiah if you are having the same problem! lol)

Anyway, lo and behold, the same person who had been working their subtle little evil on me, recently had the mean-ness turned on them by someone else. Now, I don't think it's right to break people down - no matter who the person is or what they have done. It's just not holy, it's not of any kind of good, and it's pointless mind games. This is one of those hurtful situations you wouldn't wish on even an enemy.

Here's the deal: Sometimes you can kid someone about something and it won't bother them, where at other times it will bother them. A lot. Just because of their circumstances. For instance, if I tease someone about putting on a few pounds and it was because of the holidays, that's not so bad. Especially if the person is doing well emotionally or okay in the other areas of their life. But if I tease that same person in the same way after, say, they have had a medical problem... Eh, that's not so good. In the first example, you are dealing with someone who is most likely not going to be thinking about your comment five minutes after you say it, It's gonna roll right off of them as they focus on all the other positive stuff they have going on. On the other hand, the person in the second example is likely to take the comment deeper to heart. They might be thinking about the comment and how awful it makes them feel for the next week. How freaking depressing, right? (I have been there and had to pray my way out of the very dark places I was taken.)

Anyway, I say ALL that to set up this: I have a certain family member who obviously has either a loose moral screw, attention deficit disorder (as in he doesn't get enough attention and needs more), or is just plain ignorant. Whatever the case, he has a talent for saying exactly the wrong thing at exactly the worst possible time. This is not just a talent; he has a skill for this. If they handed out Masters degrees for being a jerk, he would have a wall full of them. No kidding. He is a prime-A, foot-in-mouth jerk-a-verbal-looza.

*shaking out the stress & taking a calming breath*

ANYway, what happened was, the Jerk's victim was sharing some really wonderful family news with relatives out of state via Skype. Everyone was suitably happy, congratulatory and family-like. We were all having one of those warm, Walton family moments.

Then the Jerk made his appearance.

After congratulations to the victim, his next comment was a put-down regarding her weight.

Seriously.

He was so quick-draw with it (like he always is) that no one, not even his wife had time to try to sweeten it up. As usual, she suffered her own embarrassment in silence. She might as well, because he would surely turn on her. And there is nothing like a jerk who is smart and verbally quick on his feet.

Anyway, also as usual when the Jerk lets his Dr. Jerk side out, everyone just does the phony "haha" laugh and hopes for the moment to pass quickly. It usually does, but like I said, it lingers for the victim.

Now, I have never been sure why the Jerk is this way, I think his emotional cogs don't mesh right and I have serious questions about his Christianity at times. I think he is aware of his problem and I think he struggles with it (at times), but, like other weaknesses, it is his ongoing battle,

Whatever.

The victim in this case, now gets a taste of their own medicine (though I hate that it came about like it did and when it did. I understand the lingering emotional fallout it can cause). What I want to point out is that there are resources, of sorts, for dealing with these kinds of situations.

There's this site on dealing with difficult people.

Here's another site offering examples and responses.

Personally, I use the ignore and mirror tactic because it's the most honest. You basically ignore most of the person's actions that are too silly for your energy. When they are bothersome, you mirror them - treat them the way they treat you. If you know anything about people, it's that bullies are really cowards and they can rarely take what they can dish out. My tactic is not the most Christian way to handle things, but I am human, after all. I have a LOT of things I can pull from this person's past to bring up. There are incidents with the law that she tries to forget about, incidents where she wasn't on her most moral behavior... Like they say, bullies better guard their secrets very well... And, then, there is the granddaddy of them all: "One day when your kids grow up..." What goes around comes around sooner or later.

At any rate, I hope that you find a successful way to deal with the difficult people in your life. If you remember that they do hurtful things to make them feel better about their own weaknesses, you can work it out. And understand that the negative causes of the whole situation is about them, not you. They are the ones trying to ease some kind of pain with passive-aggressive actions. As my sister pointed out to me when we had a good laugh over our situation, "You have to kind of feel sorry for her and just try to be nice about it." So I do. Most of the time! LOL

Last of all, some humor. If you just need a witty retort sometimes, try these:

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
~ George Bernard Shaw
I don't take it personally. Everytime you open your mouth you offend someone.
Well, you probably said it without thinking, the way you do most things.
It's not what you say, it's the thought behind it that counts and I know there's never much thought behind anything you say.
Ignoring enemies is the best way to fight.

Mostly, though, when you really just get tired to the hilt of someone's b.s., call them on it. Save that for when you are really, really done with it. Just tell them right to their face what you think they are trying to prove by saying the things they say. Nothing stops b.s. like honest confrontation.

And, seriously - try your hardest to just pray for them. There has to be something wrong with a person who is insensitive. I talk hard about it myself, but as a Christian, I am supposed to continue taking the high road so that maybe they will want to see what the whole "love one another" thing is about.

Peace
--Free

Living Will 2012

2011-12-28T04:48:00.000-07:00

Now that my doctor has nagged me, I'm going to nag you: PLEASE make sure to do a Living Will (advance directive) as soon as you can.

There are several places you can pick up the forms applicable to your state - hospitals & clinics, online or at courthouses. The forms should be free.

I am making this my priority for 2012. I am going to have my big sister, my nieces Natasha and Gabrielle as my primary agents. My secondary agents are going to be my nephews Jean-Paul and Andre (both extremely pragmatic men) and my best friend Jone. (One of my best friends already told me that they would be too emotional to accept along with the fact that she is 20 years older than me and not in great health herself.You might run into your agent choices refusing & that's okay.) I am going to be talking with my chosen agents in the next few weeks after I do a dry run through the forms. My two nieces are out of state, so I will be taking care of one's part when she visits and another's long distance. Not going to be easy conversations, but...

The form that I picked up is already very specific and detailed, but I am going to make sure that my agents truly understand what I want done in case I get too sick to make decisions (like THAT doesn't happen sometimes already!). You can add additional pages to explain or further outline certain details you might want to include. By the way, urge your family and other loved ones to get their L.W./A.D. done. I am going to make sure my sister signs hers that we already started. One of my nieces just had a baby & she is talking about getting her and her spouses Will and Testament in order, so I am sure they are going to have L.W.s done. The birth of a child, New Years', birthdays and other milestones are a great time to remind people.

For years, I have been urged to do this by doctors when I go in for checkups and such. For years, I have let forms sit and become dusty, unsigned and, eventually, tossed out. That's dangerous. My current physician reminded me that I could run into serious medical problems as the result of something as common as a bad cold. Flu will hospitalize me and pneumonia could kill me. He didn't pull any punches when he handed me a L.W. packet at my last visit. His advice? "I care about you as a patient and the nice person you are, but if you can't speak for yourself, do you want me or your family to be making a decision about whether you are treated a certain way?"

Good point, Nuff said.

Without a Living Will, you could end up having important decisions left in the hands of doctors, the State, or people who don't always understand you or your full wishes.

Choose your "agents" (decision makers) carefully. They should be only people who:

Understand what you really want (this will be spelled out in the forms)
Respect you personally while you are well and not in need of a Living Will (this is very important)
Love you unconditionally (also important), and
Will not cause problems for the other agents

The love and respect are important just because you are bestowing a grave and serious honor on these agents, They should be people who deserve your trust in taking care of your medical wishes. You don't want someone with a half-step attitude toward you!

Also, if you are asked, you should not accept to be someone's agent unless you can emotionally handle the responsibility, It's too much of an important situation.

If you need somewhere to start, here are some resources:

AARP state-by-state advance directives
You might be able to pick up free packets at your doctor's office, the hospital or clinic. My clinic has free packets for the asking. Check with the courthouse also.
Wikipedia explanation of the L.W.
Legacy Writer (supposed to be free. Check the privacy statement & any disclaimers)

Bottom line, you can find information fairly easily to help in getting this life-helping decision out of the way.

Good luck.

Peace
--Free

Ransomed

2011-12-23T16:32:00.002-07:00

(This is a copy post - it's on my other blog as well. I hope it blesses someone.)

This is for my friend and myself and anyone else who is hurting. One of my Twitter pals posted it on G+ and we talked about how needed it is, especially at this time of the year and in this time of so many peoples' need:

“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.

I have called you by name; you are mine.

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.

When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.

When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will

not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.

For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel,

your Savior. (Isaiah 43:1b-3a)

Amen.

Hang on. Have hope, Trust in God.

Family Addition

2011-12-20T21:13:00.000-07:00

We have, as of yesterday, a new addition to the family. Isn't he gorgeous...

Yes, yes he is!

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:16

Peace

--Free

Powerful

2011-12-17T19:17:00.002-07:00

Just saw this over on Google Plus in my stream. This is so powerful and says so much that I just had to share it here.

Peace
--Free

Good Grief, Good Gifts!

2011-12-17T15:05:00.000-07:00

I am over here having a fit of the giggles. My nephew-in-law did a great job this year getting gifts for my niece. My sister says she is SO proud of him. Thought I won't say what he got her this year, I do remember the early years of their marriage when he would get the most hilarious gifts. He's come such a long, long way!

One Christmas, he got her this outrageously ugly coat. There isn't a word for the kind of hideousness that was this particular coat. And it had the nerve to come with matching gloves! ROFL. On top of it being what I think the British would call ghastly, it didn't fit quite right. My niece looked uncomfortable, embarrassed and sheepish all at the same time. The way she tried to think of something grateful to say was just priceless. It was my sister and me who just came out and told my nephew that the coat was not really the best gift. They replaced it with something. Too funny.

I don't remember if it was for Christmas or for her birthday that my nephew got the vacuum cleaner. It might even have been for Valentine's Day. He was just so new at getting a female the appropriate gifts.

Well, he has certainly gotten better after 9 years of marriage. My niece will be more than happy this year. This actually gives me something to look forward to on Christmas morning.

I wonder what some of the worst gifts people have gotten for each other? I don't think anything can beat that freaking coat...

Peace
--Free

Mama Wasn't Always Nice

2011-12-15T16:45:00.000-07:00

I am over here just cracking up laughing because I heard someone use a saying my mother used to use. I don't know if you've ever heard this, and please pardon the language, but when someone got on my mother's nerves by pestering her, she'd tell them that they could worry the stink out of sh*t.

I have no idea how that is done, but I always died laughing when I heard Mama say it. Variations on the saying included: "The hot out of Hell," "Wet out of water" and others that I can't remember right now.

Another of her sayings is one most people might have heard: "I'll slap the taste out of your mouth!" (I had a smart-alecky cousin who would mutter, "How? You didn't put it there." But she would only mutter it! lol) Another warning was one I heard someone else use: "Knock you out til you wake up smart." I think it was a friend's parent or auntie who said that.

Of course, now I am over hear thinking of some of the things Mama would say that would have us laughing - whether we let her hear us laughing or not!

"Drunker than Cooter Brown" was one of the sayings. To this day, we have no idea who Cooter Brown was or even if he was a real person.

"Musty as a goat" was for someone with body odor.

"Looking like Sista Tuttah" was for when you were dressed slouchy or wearing your hair in a way Mama thought was unattractive. We have no idea who Sister Tuttah is.

"Sitting there with your jaws tight" was for when you called yourself mad or upset about something.

"Knock a knot on your behind" was the threat of a whipping. (And, no, it wasn't child abuse when Mama whipped us. We got it with her hand or a switch, and most kids back then got the same & we turned out just fine, thank you.)

"People in Hell want ice water" was for when you were not going to be getting something you asked for.

"Hello walls" was for rude people who walked into a room without speaking. So was, "I didn't sleep with you last night."

"Losing your manners" meant breaking wind. Maybe because you were showing a lack of manners by doing it around people.

When someone was rude enough to stare at you hard, the saying was "Trying to look the clothes off of me."

We kids had one we used for the adults because they could always seem to hear us no matter how quiet we tried to be: "Mama can hear a rat p*ss on cotton."

My mother had trouble with certain words also. She never said "Lion" but "Louns." Her and my father were a good match because he couldn't say the words "Neither" or "Either." He said "Neezer" and "Eezer." Don't ask. I have no idea why. This gene runs in the family because my sister doesn't say "Stickler" for a picky person. She has what I think is a better word: "Stick-u-lar." (Now doesn't that just make more sense for some reason? LOL)

Wow. I am so glad that this is a good day for my thinking and being able to communicate okay. I will have this post to look back on when I am having trouble with my thought processes. I hope you enjoyed it!

Peace
--Free

My Best Friend

2011-12-15T14:09:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to give a shout out to my friend, Jone. This is for her!

I hope everyone has a best friend like I do. My best gal friend comes with a "break in case of emergency" feature! She is always there to laugh with me, cry with me, be silly with me and just be with me. She doesn't give up on me when I get moody & being a total pain in the rear. She is always happy for my successes and never jealous. She is always "real" and never phony. She tells me like it is - whether I like it or not, but only when she knows I can handle it. She lets me tell her like it is & appreciates it. She is funny and sweet and smart and kind. She wears whatever she wants, no matter what anyone else thinks. When we go out to eat, she gives the waiter silly names for us ("Her majesty, queen of Anchorage" or "Betherina"). She drives like a maniac, but will slow down when I start looking faint. She says things like "cool beans" and "groovy." She stands up for herself (and for me) but always treats people with compassion. She doesn't get mad easily and she is SO quick to forgive and pray for someone when they are being ridiculous. She reminds me to be the same way (even when I want to tell them they are ridiculous). She laughs at my jokes. She focuses on my good points and not the negative. She keeps my secrets and WILL judge me, but with love and guidance. When I got fat, she made me laugh about it, then gave me a bunch of clothes that fit. When I am worried about money, she offers what she has. When I am worried about tomorrow, she reminds me to be thankful for today. When I am wanting to be mean about something, she reminds me to play nice. When I get in a mood and don't want to be bothered, I can trust she will be there when I am feeling better. She prays with me and for me ALL THE TIME. Her life has not been easy, but she remains trusting and faithful in the Lord. (If she has ONE fault, it's that she is a complete no-nothing about all things internet! She does use email, though.)

When we first met, she told me it was a "God thing." She's got that right because God made her to order as a friend for me.

So, yeah, I hope everyone has a best friend like mine.

If you have a friend like this, call them up just to say "Hi, I love ya!" When you can, buy them some candy or a book or do something that will make them smile. Make sure to cherish them because not everyone has a good friend like this.

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity (Prov17:17)

Peace
--Free

She Speaks!

2011-12-15T12:00:00.001-07:00

I don't often plug things, but...

She Speaks is a great place for the ladies to check out product reviews, interact with other members and try products (often for free). If you have a blog, you can also join their blogger community.

I belong to the site and really like the interaction and being able to try new stuff (for free! lol).

(Notice my nifty new badge here on the page)

Maybe I will see you all over there...

Peace
--Free

Honoring Mom

2011-12-14T15:54:00.004-07:00

Thinking about my mother and how I believe that we, as a family, children she raised, have let her down in so many ways.

Mom was the strength that held us together, made us want to love each other, mended rifts between us, kept us brothers and sisters, made us better parents, aunts and uncles. Now that she is gone, it's as though we have forgotten all that she taught us about being a family, love and respect and compassion.

\With all that she taught us, Mom should have been able to leave us knowing that we wouldn't forget or put aside all those lessons, but we have. With her gone, there is nothing holding us together, nothing keeping us respectful of the elder ones and watchful over the younger ones. The older ones aren't passing along the basic manners and principles of respect, and the younger ones are not willing to remember or learn.

It makes me sad to think how disappointed Mom would be.

All I can do is keep honoring her by being the way she was and by dealing with things the way she would have. It's hard, but I'd rather keep honoring her than to forget, even though that would make things easier sometimes.

If your parents are still with you, listen to their lessons now. Start teaching the young people why those lessons are important and not to be discarded as they begin to think of themselves as "grown." Etch the wisdom of your parents in your heart now so that you will be saved a lot of grief later.

Remember that some things don't go out of fashion: manners, respect for elders, compassion for youth, family bonds and parental wisdom, If you forget this, one day you will have children and learn what heartaches can be caused by the lack of these things.

Peace
--Free

Early Resolutions

2011-12-14T00:55:00.001-07:00

Most folks wait until January to list their New Year resolutions, but, as you all can tell, I have been slowly working on mine for the last several months. I guess I can't call what I've come up with "resolutions" since those are usually things people intend or hope to do. I've come up with changes I've already made or am definitely making. (Matter of fact, I added one to the list after a wasted evening out: In other words, I won't be doing the family dinners out anymore.There was nothing in it for me to enjoy, so I would have done better to go out with a friend. With a friend, I would have had mutual conversation and something to look back on later as being pleasant. Tonight cost me money that could have been better spent and was a complete waste of time for me. If my mother were here, I think even she would tell me the same thing.)

So, other than that, here is the main list. *drum roll please* I resolve to:

Know that God made me for and intends good things for me no matter what the present is like.
Grow my faith more.
Stop doing anything that doesn't make me feel right. No more "go along to get along" or "grin and bear it."
Start respecting myself no matter whether other people have the decency to do so or not.
Spend more time and attention on those in my life who add joy and love. Less time and thought on those who don't. (I'm thinking of 3 dear friends who I've neglected a little)
Find a way to express my creativity again. If this disease killed my writing ability, there is still something I can do. I need to find that and do it.
Make plans to live more happily independent from family. I've been too close to them and need to concentrate on me and my happiness. That will let me enjoy the time I do spend with them more.
Pray more every day. Spend real time on my spiritual life. Reading the Bible and going to church.
Join a support group for this disease.
Learn something new this year - an art or a technology.
Return to keeping a paper and pen journal.
Start a collection of stones. I might even make a hobby of collecting and polishing them. It's something I've wanted to do for years and never did.

And there are some that I know are typical: stop smoking, lose weight, etc. LOL.

I wonder what kinds of resolutions other people make. Not the ones they tell everyone about, but the ones that really mean something special to them. Hmmm.

Anyway, I am planning to be a stronger person in the coming year. I'm am already making inroads.

Here's to 2012 and the next however many years God grants me of life.

Peace
--Free

Oh, Use Me, Lord

2011-12-12T12:44:00.000-07:00

This right here will make you forget your self-pity and stop you thinking about the silly people of the world. This baby is a blessing! If you think that God can't use you...

Finding My Happy Place

2011-12-10T18:14:00.001-07:00

Okay, this is kind of funny, but it's also serious.

I always talk about my friend on here. Well, she is so much more than a friend. I should be paying her for therapy!

Lately, I had been going through some things, questioning my place in the world and thinking a lot about loyalty and recognition. Basically, I felt that I was not being recognized, or that I was purposely being "put" in a lower place in people's lives than I thought I deserved. I felt like the kid on the playground, trying to fit in with the cool kids and just wearing myself out.

Now, I'm sure my friend, who has all the patience and compassion in the world, got tired of me sitting on that pity pot. This morning, she put her foot down and just told me how it is.

She says that when people play games of manipulation and playing other people against one another, that's their problem and not mine. All they are doing is losing out, unless I keep playing along.

Wow. I didn't realize I had been playing along until I really thought about it.

So, now I have to learn to let it go, and that's not as hard as I thought it might be. I've started already. I have stopped trying to fit myself in where I am not invited. I use my energy on other things. My girlfriend said to think about what I am losing out on: Nothing. Not one thing. I now spend my energy on reciprocating attention on those who give it. As for the others, I don't love them any less, but they will only get from me what they give. Matter of fact, I think I love them more this way.

How simple is this? And why didn't I see it?

I have to tell you, when my friend explained things this way, I felt like I was breathing new air. I felt sort of set free. When I think about the mental anguish and energy I've always put into these "games," I just can't believe it. Instead of trying to hang with the cool kids, I have to be my own kid. Other people can take it or leave it. Their loss, not mine.

The thing now is, trying to adjust to this new way of thinking. It's surprisingly pleasant, but it is different. I'm shedding years of my own neediness. I wasn't even aware of how pathetic I had to seem. I had given people power over me, whether they realized it or not... I feel like I have been given a gift of emotional peace.

I am reminded of something another friend told me years ago: "Where you are is where you are supposed to be."

My place in this world, in my family, in life, is not someone else's place. I am in my own place in life. Everyone is in their own place. The trick to being happy is learning to accept your spot and work from there.

One day I am going to ask my friend how she got to be so smart, but for now, I'm just happy that she is.

Peace
--Free

Wishes For Some

2011-12-09T01:07:00.001-07:00

I was talking with my friend tonight after we'd both had a rough couple of days. I cried on her shoulder and she cried on mine. When she finished telling me about some of what she's been dealing with and how heartless her co-workers seem to be, I wanted to be angry. But, true to her good heart, she wanted to pray for them instead. She reminded me that while we are currently going through our trials, there are those who have their tough times yet to come. She said that we need to pray that they have the strength that God has given us.

She is right, I guess. I have heard of so many people just giving up, committing suicide or just losing themselves to insanity. God has been a rock and a refuge for us.

So, here is what my friend and I talked about wishing for some people:

We pray you never have heartache like we have had. That you don't have nights where you cry yourself to sleep, while trying to pray. We hope that you always have your health, your finances and your basic dignity. We pray that if you ever do need someone's help, that they do it without making you feel like a beggar. We pray that you don't ever have to wonder what on earth you will do tomorrow. We pray that your loved ones are healthy and your children are well. We pray that you don't ever cry tears that you just can't hold back. We pray that you never feel some of the things that people with trials and tribulation do. We pray that if you do have troubles, your faith remains intact. We pray that, no matter how bad things get, you have friends like we do and that you find something to smile about at least every day.

My mother used to say that if you live long enough you will have heartache. She said that sometimes when you think you've been through the worst, you will go through something more. Mom believed that people took their good times for granted. She taught us never to say "never" or "not me" or to talk about what you are going to do. She would tell us to say, "If the Lord is willing..." She'd tell us not to be arrogant about what you have or are able to do. I didn't really understand the lessons at the time, but I'm glad I paid attention. The way I treated people and talked back then has created blessings for me during these times of trouble. (Thank you, Mama.)

My friend and I pray together often. When we talked tonight and prayed, we decided that there are two types of people in the world: those who know they are not in control and those who think they are. We know that we are not in control - God is. No matter what I suffer, I am glad for that.

Peace
--Free

Angel

2011-12-05T03:46:00.001-07:00

Photographic Evidence (Ch-ch-changes!)

2011-12-04T17:04:00.001-07:00

As you all know, I was diagnosed with this disease from the sick mind of some evil genius gene or something. Anyway, I've talked here about the physical changes the medicines have caused - Predinisone = weight gain; the other meds = hair loss, etc... Well, once again, there's nothing like pictures.

This was me right back in August or so of 2010, trying on clothes for a job interview

I ended up not getting the skirt. I thought it was too form-fitting for an interview. The point I'm vain about is that I am at my average weight of around 145lbs...

Here are other photos where I am a normal (for me) weight & with all my hair...

June 2010 my birthday lunch

Also 2010 on back deck with nephew Dre (and I had put on about 15lbs here!)

Dec 2009 Houston @ a friend's house, trying on the Christmas present from my big sister in Anchorage. (It's the same outfit I am wearing above)

And...THIS is late July 2011. I'd been on prednisone since the 4th. This was just the beginning!

My niece, who is very pregnant right now, isn't much bigger than I have become. Every time I go to the doctors' now, I've gained. I go once a month & I've gone from 160 to 173 to 185 to 192 this last visit... My doctor and I try to joke about it, but it does cause problems. My body was not built to carry this kind of weight. I am small-boned. We all change as we age, of course, but as an example of my normal body type: at 21 when I got married, my wedding dress was a size 0 - and it still had to be taken in. To this day, no one in the family - including the younger children - can get into that dress. Do you know what my back feels like right now, lugging around this prednisone belly??? LOL SMH

The wedding pic. Man, I wish I had been smarter back then. If so, I'd still be married today to a pretty decent guy...

Was I ever really this young?...

Sigh...

This was fun. Think I will have to do another one when I go through the family pictures.

Peace

--Free

Photographic Evidence (Weather)

2011-12-04T16:42:00.001-07:00

Seeing beats hearing any day. Here's the weather I was complaining about a week or so ago:

The above is what the driveway looked like when I went out to shovel last week. HUGE amounts of snow.

This was the yard one morning after ANOTHER dumping of snow. (Mama would have LOVED this!)

This was a gorgeous morning treat. Too bad I only have my camera on the phone... :-(

And...drum roll, please.... THIS is looking out the upstairs window a few minutes ago...

My nephew took advantage of the first day of the warm weather and cleaned the drive down to the pavement. If only we'd known what we were in for, he could have just waited for it to melt down...

(Hey - I haven't done pics for a long time. I might have to do another quick post... right now! LOL)

Peace
--Free

You Have to Wonder

2011-12-04T11:54:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting here feeling stunned by what's going on with our weather. (I know, I know - I have been harping about the weather lately!)

This is crazy. The wind has gotten up to 118 miles per hour in some areas here in Southcentral Alaska. Here in Anchorage, I can feel it shaking and battering the house. The strangest thing is that it's gotten to 40+ degrees. In November. In Anchorage.

Now, it's not unheard of (in my 40+ years here) for it to get to 30 degrees at times, but this kind of warmth is just unreal. I might be wrong, but I can't remember this kind of anomaly happening in years.

If my mother were here, she'd be telling us about the End Times. My mom was hilarious. She grew up in a culture where people respected the weather and related it to things they were taught in church. For instance, I remember hearing her talk about the angels rejoicing or the Devil beating his wife - depending on whether it was raining while the sun shined or thundering and lightening.

I think I already told you how we kids had to get somewhere and sit down when the weather got bad. At my grandmother's house, you weren't going to move, talk or think in color if there was a thunder storm. "Big Mama," as we called her, wasn't going to have anything electric running during a storm. She'd make us go around unplugging stuff. We'd all gather in the front room with Big Mama keeping watch. She had a switch handy so she could switch one of us if we moved or acted up.

It sounds funny now, but I liked the idea of that kind of respect for the weather. My parents and grandparents knew that the weather is the work of the Lord, so the respect was really for Him. It's a good thing no one watched a lot of tv back then, because in Texas, there was a storm every other minute. Probably that why we kids didn't watch a lot of tv. No electricity around our house! lol

It would be interesting to know what Mom would think about this weather. She loved wintertime so she'd probably be upset that all the snow is melting so close to Christmas. She loved Christmas and she didn't enjoy snow-less ones. (The one Christmas we spent in Arizona was such a disappointment to her that she was a little depressed.)

Since I'm mentioning Mom and the weather, I will remind you of something I've posted about before:

As I've said, Christmas was Mom's favorite holiday. She loved having the house decorated with lights outside and all the trimmings inside. Decorating our tree was not a family project. Mom did that and you'd have thought she was DaVinci the way she worked on it. When she was done, it was beautiful. She could tell if anyone moved even one tiny ornament. Anyway, one year, as a gift to her, we had someone come and hang lights on the outside of the house so they would not have to come down at the end of the season. There was an inside switch for us to turn them off til next time. We had the lights for quite a few years and when Mom passed away - in April - we all came from the hospital to find that the lights were turned on. We thought that maybe our neighbor had done it in honor of Mom, but she came over to ask if we had had someone turn them on. We never figured out what happened, but we all like to think that the Lord had something to do with it. A way for Mom to say goodbye.

So... didn't mean to wander so off point.

I hope that wherever you guys are, the weather is behaving. Stay safe and try to enjoy.

Peace
--Free

Momentary Thoughts

2011-12-03T15:40:00.001-07:00

I really hope that this is just a mood I'm in today, but I am seriously considering getting back with my husband.

Whew! Never thought I'd hear myself say that. Never thought I would even THINK it.

My husband and I are separated because of his verbal abuse and his tendency to lie every time his lips moved. He is an alcoholic, whether he is still drinking or not (I don't know).

But.

He was mine.

After everything we have been through, at least he has not just forgotten me. He still calls almost every day - not that I answer. He sincerely cares, he just doesn't know how to be a good husband. Maybe God can fix that.

Everybody, I think, needs to know they have someone. No one is meant to be completely alone in this world. It's why God gave Adam an Eve. I believe it's why God promised He would not leave us as orphans.

I don't know. We'll see. Maybe if money is not such a huge problem for us, things will be better. I think I have to decide which is the worst feeling: being alone or being with someone who is not always at his best.

This is a prayer situation. Or maybe it's just a momentary thought.

Peace
--Free

Random-ness

2011-12-02T13:50:00.001-07:00

This is what I get for complaining about the snow and cold... The temp jumped to over 35 degrees & there is just a MESS out there on the roads. Some of us over on G+ were sharing weather complaints the other day, but that's when I was just complaining in general! LOL

Speaking of G+, oh how I dig it. Had a couple of little glitches at first, but now I have the hang of (most) of it. Best of all, there is so much interaction. I know that I had said I wasn't going to have a bunch of random people on my stream like I did with Facebook, but G+ is different - SOOO different. People don't have to know each other to touch bases. If someone posts an interesting news article and I "share" it, we'll both get discussions going on from both our "circles." It's an cool way to keep up on stuff and learn about things. (Nicest of all, I have circled & been circled by someone with a disease similar to my own. Good support for both of us.)

Health wise, I'm having a rough week. This cold is a fierce little annoyance. I can't tell when I'm having a Sarc cough or just a cold cough... I slept most of yesterday. I could not have gotten up if someone was giving away free diamonds... Little better today, still feeling draggy, but, hey, I'm alive.

Well, not much to post about today. I'm going to wander over and check out the blogs I'm following. Make it a good day, all!

Peace
--Free

Tag, You're "It"

2011-11-29T21:58:00.001-07:00

Can I just be a big old whiny brat for a minute here?

I don't have an available shoulder to cry on right now, so... Tag, you guys are "It."

This has been the worst couple of days I've had in a while. And I have had some baaad days!

Yesterday, I fell while shoveling the driveway. Nothing hurt but the left side of my pride. Today, I wrenched my shoulder while chopping ice. While I was in the bathroom later on, I noticed some new spots on my face. I'm wondering if these are the skin granules that come with Sarcoidosis. Hopefully not. Might just be from dry skin. (I mean, did I not already complain that God has taken everything I used to be vain about: my hair, my figure, my thought processes. Now my skin is going to be all crazy looking?)

Anyway, back to this horrendous day.

My sister had a little day surgery planned for today. Nothing major (thank God), but poor thing, she had to do the medical fast from last night to - well, let's see, it's 8:00pm now and we got home about 30 minutes ago. I felt so bad for her because this was truly a nightmare of a day.

The surgery was scheduled for 2pm and we had to be at the hospital by noon. We are on time and ready to go. I'm promising my sister all kinds of coffee and food the minute she can roll out of recovery and work her lips.

Yeah, well...

Apparently this was the day for every emergency or mishap or whatever could back up things in the operating rooms. The poor doctor was just going into another surgery at the time that he was supposed to be getting ready for my sister. Our 2pm surgery didn't get started until about 4:20pm. And of course, we can't just cruise on home because that would mean this day wasn't the absolute crappiest. No, we have to go by the pharmacy - not that my sister really needed the pain meds at the moment; the pain will probably kick in later - because I have meds that I can't be without and my sister has meds she can't be without... (Oh, when we all get to Heaven where there will be no illness!)

So, I get to Walmart and go to pick up all the meds. Well, there's 3 of them that are so expensive that they're just going to have to wait a few days. The ones that are ready and - ahem - reasonably priced still come up to over $50 with insurance and every discount program known to man... I just about felt sick to my stomach - until I realized that might require more meds...

I am just done in. I'm so tired that I forgot I was hungry. My legs hurt from lugging all this 190 pounds around when they were built to carry a max of 140. My eyes are irritated and starting to itch. My shoulder is achy. If I could, I'd curl up in a ball and just wait for the Rapture.

Good news is, now that I got all that off my chest, I feel slightly better. Once again, I am reminded of God's command and promise: "Be still and know that I am God."

He knows what kind of day I've had and He knows how I feel right now. He knows and I am thankful. Praise God.

Peace
--Free

Acceptance & Stllness

2011-11-28T13:00:00.000-07:00

It's never too late to learn and never too late to fix things within yourself. Part of giving your life to Christ is learning that you put away old things and take on the new. We are new in Christ.

It's difficult to go against so much of what you learned from a child up. It seems almost wrong to go against the grain that way. All my life I was taught that family is everything. Blood is thicker than water and all that. If what was good for the family was different than what was good for me, I was taught to defer to the family situation. And I did. I never questioned it.

For my most productive years - my mid-twenties to my forties - my sister, my mother and I kept what I will call the "base camp" of the family. Our house was the hub. It's where "Grammy" was, so it's where the rest of the family came for comfort, safety, wisdom and love. Mom was Grammy, of course. My sister was the "lap," and I was the worker bee and sometime disciplinarian. It was a good life. I never thought it should be any other way.

Sacrifices are not seen as costing anything. They are treasures built up for memories.

For a long time - in fact until recently - I was blindly assuming of what my place is in memories. I thought that all those little treasures would mean something. My little brother and I have discussed this before. His theory is that people don't cherish what they took for granted. I'm still undecided.

Outside my family, I've had a few very dear friends. The kind that stay in your life forever. I've since made one of those friends. So, I had family and I had friends. I thought I had built up a treasury of bonds and ties and memories.

After I got sick, I had tons of emotional support from a girlfriend here in town, another friend in Holland and another friend in Texas. It was nothing big or flashy, but they called, they sent random text messages and jokes and emails. In their own ways, they were letting me know that I truly mattered to them, that I would be missed. One of them just the other day sent me a joke about being fat and beautiful. (I had sent her a pic of my with all this weight!)

I appreciated that love so much that I didn't notice the absence of anything else. For most of July and August, I think I was in shock from everything that had happened (I had nightmares for a few weeks about death and dying) and just didn't pay attention. But when I did, I noticed the phone calls that didn't come. Amazingly enough, some of these were people that I would have died for, and that I had sacrificed time and years and life desires for... I had to decide how to deal with the disappointment.

There was a time when this would have just undone me. I mean, it would have devastated me down to my soul. If it had happened before I re-committed my life to the Lord, I don't think I could have handled it. I've noticed that most of the worst has happened when I have the strength of Christ to lean on.

What happened in this case is that I was forced to take a look at life as it really is and not the way I've always wanted it to be. I can't be bitter or mad or resentful.You can't change who you are - not to yourself and not the other people. You can accept it.

How simple is that? When the thought of acceptance came to me, I thought of Psalm 46:10 - "Be still and know that I am God."

That is one of the most beautiful verses in the Bible to me because it is an answer to everything.

So I have learned to be accepting. I don't push myself into the center of things anymore, hungry for acknowledgment. I don't sit and wonder why or why not. I don't regret anything I have done for anyone else. I don't feel the depression from the sense of not being on someone's radar. I just accept.

I have learned to be still and know that God is God.

So, if you are out there, feeling rejection or being passed by in this world, please don't. Try to accept and be strong enough to hold on to God's promises. This life is temporary. It's not eternity.

Revelation 21:4 tells us of one of those promises:
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Trust on that.

Peace
--Free

Free of Facebook

2011-11-27T13:28:00.001-07:00

Finally broke free of that demon Facebook! lol.

They don't make it easy to leave. I was forced to give a reason (just selecting "Other" would not do), so I type gibberish in the box. I feel like I shouldn't have to explain or give a reason. It's a website not a relative or spouse...Then I had to reload the captcha (or whatever those security letters are called) twice before I could even read the letters. I think that's their THEN I had to notice the little tiny sentence about opting out of receiving mails from Facebook. Really? I have to tell you to leave me alone? Didn't I just break up with you???

What tedium. I'm pretty sure I will have nightmares about being pursued by the ghost of Facebook.

Still loving Google+ Even though my circles are small, I like that I can check out people's art, photos, musings and ideas without a lot of hassle. I'm waiting for Google to develop a better way to search + by interests. Right now, I have to use the basic bar search which brings up too many results. Other than that though, I'm fine with it.

I guess I'm cleaning out my internet closet. As of now, I have Google+, Twitter, Blogger and Bloggers, and a couple of smaller and random networks I participate in. I want to start integrating all my blogs that I have scattered all over the web.

I need to find out how UrbanPerspective and MrsCooper have their web stuff organized....

For now, as always

Peace
--Free

Thinking About Mom

2011-11-26T14:47:00.001-07:00

I don't believe in ghosts or anything like that so I have never wished I could see dead relatives or friends, but last night something really nice happened to me.

I went to bed feeling sick with this stupid cold, feeling alone just from the world and wishing so much that I could just spend a few minutes with my mother.

When I was about 21 or 22, after I had left my first husband and come home, I went through a kind of identity crisis. I felt like I was just wandering through life. I didn't know what I wanted or what I wanted to do with myself. I think I went around for about a month feeling like this - just going to work, coming home, going to sleep, waking up and doing it all over again.

My mother (like most mothers, I guess) could tell that I was dealing with something deep. We are not a kissy-huggy type of family. My mother was not the type to ask you what you were feeling. It just was not her way.

What she did was, she was sitting on the couch (I think she was shelling peas or something) and when I came into the room, she patted the seat next to her. I went over and sat down and she just put her arm around me and pulled me onto her shoulder. And I just bawled.

Mama didn't say anything, but I told her something like I felt lost. I can't remember what I said exactly, but it was something like, "I don't know who I am."

My mother told me that I was her baby girl. She said that's all I needed to be.

I never told anyone about this at the time. I think I was embarrassed. Not long before, I had had a little bit of an emotional meltdown with my sister and I'm sure she told Mama about it.

I forgot all about this happening. I don't know why because I think about my mother almost every single day.

Anyway, last night I dreamed about that very thing. The details aren't clear, but it was basically a dream about that moment with my mom.

I woke up this morning feeling better than I have for a long time. I think that God knew I needed to have that memory of my mother. It's going to help me get through a lot of stuff, and I know I have a hard road ahead of me, so I'm glad.

When my mother passed away and family came home for the funeral, we shared memories of my mom. My aunt Lizzie told us how much she loved Mama. I remember something she said to us: "Your mother had a hard life early on, so I'm glad she had a good life later."

I am my mother's baby girl. I am my mother's daughter. I am having a hard time right now, but I will have a good life later.

Peace

--Free

Thanks Given

2011-11-25T16:20:00.001-07:00

Thanksgiving this year was good for me. I am learning to accept things and be okay with them. Life is what it is and it's futile to try to make it something else. Learning that lesson has been painful, but it's one I am thankful for.

I am thankful for coming closer to the Lord. Of course, the closer I get, the brighter His light shines on my life - exposing the best and the worst!

Believe it or not, I was even a little thankful for the snow yesterday. One of my web buddies was complaining that 70 degree weather is not nice this time of year. I get it. Don't think that I would want that kind of temp at Thanksgiving or Christmas - but I could sure use it most of the rest of the year! LOL

I am also thankful for memories of my mother. Whenever feel alone and lost, which has been a lot these days, I can think of Mom and her strength and know that I am her child. If she could deal with bad things in life, and she had to, so can I.

I am thankful for my friend Jone. She has been a true, true blessing. (She reminds me that when we first met, we really kinda didn't click for a couple of days!) I don't know how I would have survived the last few months without her friendship. Even now she is such a rock of encouragement and validation that I appreciate.

I am thankful for my doctor. What a kind, compassionate person he is. I'm sure that there are many doctors who are as good, but I lucked out in getting him.

I am thankful for the team of people working with me to get through this treatment and the aftermath to come. Julie and Ranae and Jaime and all the others. So glad for their patience and empathy.

I am glad for my sister. My rock. She gets it. She gets me.

I am glad that my little brother lived through his crisis and is here to see another year.

I am glad for this blog and the friends I have made through it. Some blessings come to us in different ways. It still surprises me that I have met people through this blog that I am in touch with almost 6 years later. (And I miss some folks, like Supasister, who are dealing with their own deep, deep feelings. I know she is out there though, and I know she will be back.)

Most of all, I am thankful for something my aunt taught me: everyday should be thanksgiving and we should love and care everyday like we do on the one day.

So, lots to be thankful for. Lots to be hopeful and grateful for. Praise God for his gifts to us.

Peace
--Free

R and R & P and P

2011-11-19T11:55:00.001-07:00

Rest and Relaxation
With the extremely cold weather we are having here in Anchorage, we are all doing our best to stay in. At this point, I would pass up free servings of my favorite foods if I had to leave the house to get it. No jive. It's something like -2 out and the High is expected to be -1? I'm like, Are you serious? And just to make things even more fun, there might be fog later in the day. Really?

Sooo... I have my weekend entertainment all lined up. It involves blankets, pillows, several Agatha Christie books, some Murder She Wrote dvds and the computer.

Actually, I have to tell you about a movie I stumbled across on You Tube. I was setting up a playlist of all the Sherlock Holmes videos and not paying attention to the dates. One of them turned out to be a 2004 movie called "Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Silk Stocking." Let me tell you, that was a gooood movie. Rupert Everett plays Holmes and the story is full of unexpected turns and tricks. Nice. I don't know how long it will be up on You Tube or if it is part of their movie collection... At any rate, you should go check it out.

For my reading entertainment, I loaded up on a bunch of Poirot and Marple mysteries. I will never get tired of those two. I just found out that ITV (BBC tv) is going to do 5 final Poirot films. I've already watched all the 22 ones that have been done and I just love the actor David Suchet because he does Poirot so well. To see for yourself, check out one part of one of the videos. Just wish I could find Miss Marple videos as easily...

Of course, in between reading and watching movies, I will be checking in on my G+ page. I'm a little bit addicted! I don't think I've been on Facebook at all for the past few days except to read the messages that pop up on my phone. I am just about ready to shut it down, or at least follow my friend Drew's lead and start unfriending a bunch of dead weight.

Praise and Prayer
I know that there are a lot of people out there who, like me, are dealing with a lot of issues - health, financial, etc., - that are so heavy. Those issues are not just going to go away, but while we deal with them, it's important to try keeping up your spirits. If you like to exercise, then do that. If you like to knit or do crossword puzzles, then do that. Your problems are something you deal with everyday. I know that I have the doctors' appointments, meetings with counselors and social workers, then there's trying to get insurance and bills paid. It's a lot of stress. If you don't do something enjoyable in between all that, you will crack. You will forget how to smile and be joyous. You will forget how to fight against the spirits of despair and depression. The Enemy just loves when he can see us start to weaken.

Don't weaken. Let God give you strength and hope. Pray and give thanks and give praise for all the blessings you do have and show God how you appreciate your life by enjoying what you can. Seriously, your troubles aren't going to last forever. God has plans for all of us.

For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome. (Jer 29:11)

Isn't that wonderful? Even though that was a message to a nation, Jesus's life, death and resurrection transferred that same promise to us. So, be encouraged. Even if you lose everything else in your struggles, do not lose faith in God.

Peace
--Free

The Breakup

2011-11-17T17:43:00.001-07:00

Dear Facebook,

We need to talk. I know, I know, no one in a relationship wants to hear those 4 words, but... Well, I'm just not feeling the way I did when we first started out. Let me try to explain.

At first, you fulfilled all my needs. You were so easy to get along with and you let me hang out with my friends... It was nice. You didn't mind when I got hooked on the games - matter of fact, you encouraged it. You made the games better and better and- Well, you know what I mean. You let me try different things. You let me have a farm with all kinds of cool equipment and buildings. I might not have had the biggest farm around, but it was a pretty one! (I didn't even tell you about the secret farm I had on the side... No matter. I never used it much. When I found out that was cheating, I was too ashamed to do anything with it.)

Not only did you let me have a farm, but when I got bored with that, you let me have my own cafe. Now that is what really made me love you even more. I tell you, I was never happier than during the hours I spent decorating that place, finding just the right name and choosing the dishes... It was pure joy. You did get a little annoyed when I started slacking a little. First with the farm - the crops were just went to weed! Then I just couldn't keep up with the cafe anymore. It just got too complicated, what with all the new and improved equipment and recipes... I almost had no life outside the cafe! And all those other chefs wanting my help. It was a constant chatter of "Can you send me this? Can you send me that? Will you taste my salad? Will you come season my dish..." That was bad enough, but I also had the other farmers always pleading for help with planting, sowing and trading. Sheesh! I felt like going into the witness protection program!

But still, that's not your fault. I should have stuck to the simpler pursuits you introduced me to later, like Bejeweled or Collapse. I could handle those without losing hours of my life like an alcoholic having a blackout. Plus, this also gave me more time to spend with my friends. Well, if you can call most of them that.

I was always surprised that you let me have so many friends. Maybe that's because though I ended up with over 200, only about 5 ever came around on a regular basis. The rest of them were never even in the area - not even for a drive-by post - or they only came on to have their say and disappear. Some of them were around on a regular basis - if you wanted to hear about what time they took a deep breath or what song they listened to while stuck in traffic... Then there were those who only ever commented on their own posts. You'd rarely see them visiting anyone else. They were interesting at times, but not that interesting... Yeah, I should have been a little more discriminating. I should have stuck to the friends who had something interesting to say and actually noticed what others had to say. That's what I get for going in for quantity over quality. I could have saved myself the trouble of people who stick their noses in comments made on someone else's post and then get huffy. *shrug* Live and learn.

Now, I'm not here to blame you for the time I wasted in useless farming or restauranteering (and, yes, that is a real word - or at least I think so). Anyway, the real concerns have to do with trust. I feel like I don't know what you are doing from one minute to the next. I feel so vulnerable and never know if you really are protecting me. I mean, I don't want just everybody knowing my business. It's not like sharing such personal things with you has been easy. I mean, I tend to be kind of a private person. Basically, I trust you, but I don't know who all you are associating with. I mean, really! In this day and age you have to be so careful.

Also (and I really didn't want to have to bring this up because it sounds a bit petty, but...) you tend to be a tad moody. I'm sorry, very sorry, but I just had to say it. I mean, I never know what you are going to do from one day to the next. Just when I get used to you being one way, you go and change. If you could ever just give me some kind of warning. Because I don't mind change, really I don't. You know what we've already been through. And I've stuck with you, right? It's just that, well, when you want to change something, do something different, maybe spice things up, it would be nice if you'd let me know.

Anyway, that's what I wanted to tell you. I don't know if it will make a difference. After all, I'm just one person out of millions who adore you. You won't miss me if I leave, probably won't even notice. Maybe someday you and I will make a better team, but for now... Well, this is difficult, but I haven't been completely fair to you either. You see, I've started another relationship elsewhere. At first, I just wanted some comfort I wasn't getting from you. I didn't expect to be swept off my feet. It all happened so fast. I had only planned to introduce myself, you know, break the ice and maybe just have a little harmless fun. Before I knew it, I was meeting new friends and having all sorts of interesting encounters... Oh, it was just glorious! Just everything I could want in a relationship.

I'm sorry that things have turned out this way. Even if you care enough to change, I can't give up this new relationship. It just meets my needs in a way that you haven't been able to. Besides, I feel like I've grown so much and learned to choose my friends more wisely. It's like starting over and getting to keep only the best while leaving the worst behind.

I'm not completely out of your life. I will stop by every now and then, when I have time, just to see how everything is going.

Well, I can't stay. I have to get back to... Well, no matter.

Take care! Smooches!

I can be reached here on G+ if you want.

Peace
--Free

Remember When

2011-11-16T17:31:00.001-07:00

I've been in a reminiscing mood all day. With Sarc, one of the things I have trouble with is remembering. Mostly, I can remember things that happened a long time ago, but have trouble with the here and now. Since I have the precious gift of so many older memories I'm posting on the #Remember hashtag over on Twitter and figured I might as well share here:

Remember when Mom baked & you got to like the spoon?

Remember when Moms made "sample" cakes before they baked the real one? I always got to eat the sample!

Remember when kids played hopscotch, jump rope, jacks and marbles? Do they still do that?

Remember when you got your first "press & curl" & no more pigtails? (OK this is for black women, ppl! lol)
Remember when ANY adult could smack your behind when you misbehaved?

Remember when you had to say "ma'am" & "sir" to adults?

Remember when you couldn't call adults just by their 1st name?

Remember when you could get pieces of tar to chew on? I'm sure that's why my teeth were so healthy back then.

Remember when curfew was whatever time the streetlights came on?

Remember when you could go to the corner store & get a lemon & peppermint stick? Put the ppmnt stick in the lemon.

Remember when church went on for HOURS? And it was always too hot or too cold. And you had the MLK paper fans.

Remember when getting chocolate milk w/school lunch just made the whole day better?

Remember when a bully called you out for a fight after school & you just dreaded 3 o'clock?

Remember when kids made mud pies? & somebody came out w/SuzyBake ovens. I got 1 & U couldn't tell me NOTHIN! I was Julia-Betty Cro-Childs

Remember playing dress-up in Mom's clothes? I dang near broke my ankle wearing her heels.

Remember the smell of freshly mimeographed papers the teacher handed out?

I Remember when my mom could make a feast for the family out of a potato, onion & a piece of hamburger meat.

I Remember my first "perfume" was vanilla extract & baby powder.

I Remember being taught that no matter how old I am, I'm still to respect those who are older

I Remember being taught that being "grown" and being mature are 2 different things. There's too many immature "grown" folks these days.

I Remember when our phone was on a party line.

I Remember riding w/mama in this old light blue truck. Seats were all cracked, smelled like oil rags & gear shift was on steering wheel.

I Remember that during lightening storms, grandma wld unplug EVERYTHING & we kids had 2B very still & quiet.

I Remember my aunt's sweet tea. It was real strong w/about 2 inches of sugar sitting in the bottom. Haven't had such delicious tea since.

I Remember catching lightening bugs & using the glow part for jewelry.

I Remember eating hoecake w/onions & gravy, pinto beans & hot water cornbead. Daddy liked hot skillet cornbread w/cold buttermilk.

God's blessed me to have so many wonderful memories. I hope you enjoyed the stroll as much as I did.

Peace

--Free

Almost Over Facebook

2011-11-16T08:56:00.001-07:00

Why?
Truly, I really am just about over Facebook. There's really only two reasons that I can blame of Facebook itself:

1- Too many changes, no stability.
2 - The whole privacy issue thing

Everything else that bothers me about Facebook is my own fault. For one thing, I have let my "friend" list get way out of control. One of the reasons I participate in social networks is to, well, network. I'm not talking anything fancy, but I like the exchange of ideas and information. I get that from Twitter, but there's that whole 140-character limit thing...

Twitter
The best thing about Twitter is the constant interaction. You can always find someone who shares your interests. There's very little dead weight and if there is, you can easily pare down your list. I currently "follow" 1431 people (or groups) on Twitter and I have 1737 following me. Here's how that breaks down:

Tweeters I interact with on regular basis (such as group meets, Bible study, She Speaks, Vocal Point, etc) 100-200 (sometimes more, depending on attendance or a Twitter "party").

Interact with 1-on-1 on regular basis (Twitter stream and DMs) 100 - 150
Interact with via DM and email on constant basis 20-25
Interact with on semi-regular basis (outside Twitter stream) 10-15
No interaction or rarely on Twitter stream 30-45

Another big Twitter plus: I can put out a prayer request and immediately have at least 20 to 30 folks respond.

Facebook
I know I'm not the only one having fits over all the changes on Facebook. The privacy and issues of instability is Facebook's fault. It's my own fault that I don't enjoy the interaction (or lack of). For one thing, I let my "friends" list get out of control. On Twitter, I pick people based on interests and ideas and common intellect. On Facebook, I picked family, friends, acquaintances, fellow gamers... I pretty much approved anyone who sent a request. As of today, I have 202 "friends" and here's how that list breaks down:

People I know personally, am related to 81
People I know, but haven't seen for years (but we interact) 7
Ditto (but we don't interact) 41
People who are rarely or never even ON facebook 72
People I only know online, but communicate with regularly 5
People who actually talk about something other than what they ate or where they checked in at 9
People I have no idea who they are at all 11
People I only have on my list because of the games 12

There's a lot of dead weight. Out of 202 "friends," I get very little or no interaction. Unlike Twitter, I'm networking with people who are not in my life area: I don't party, curse or talk about a lot of the things I dis before I committed to Christ. Most of my posts or "shares" are news stories (because that's a big interest) or of Christian and social interests. Don't get me wrong - I love my friends and family, but most of them are not the most conservative of folks...

The Switchover
I have been looking around for something more expansive than Twitter and more substantial than Facebook. I've signed up for an invite to Diaspora (which might be a little over my head) and I very recently set up my Google+ profile. My dream is to somehow have the best of Twitter, Facebook and my blog communities. It's going to be hard to leave Facebook, though. Problems and all, it's still the first place where I was able to have all the family "together."

Google+
The thing I like about Google+ (so far) is that I can set up "circles" of friends. It seems much easier than the lists on Facebook. One of the first things I've done is designate circles to keep everyone in their own little realm. Now I have to figure out how to add the FB, Twitter and Blog folk I want to keep. Other than family, there are only about 7 people I'm taking from Facebook. Twitter is going to be more complicated.

The one downside I can think of is that I'm not sure how many people use Google services. I've used Google for around 5 or 6 years - for my blogs, mail and the many other services they've had - but I don't know a whole lot of people with even Gmail. Hmm... Gonna have to think on that.

So... I will hopefully be able to shut down my FB account sometime in the very near future. Pretty sure I will go through withdrawals. In that case, I'll just open another FB account and keep the friends' list on the quality-not-quantity side.

Peace
--Free

You Don't Have to Like It...

2011-11-14T09:14:00.000-07:00

(This was originally posted at my Friend or Faux blog. That blog is newer than this one and, probably because of the religious nature, does not get as many visitors as this one. SO... I am sharing this particular post here.)

This is not for non-believers. This is strictly for Christians - and notthose who just call themselves Christian, but for the ones who truly desire to live what they claim. (Non-believers won't like it, but they don't really care, right? And "pick-and-choose" Christians will probably choose to ignore it.) By the way, this post is a result of talking to people I care about who choose to ignore some of the things I am discussing.

You don't have to like it, but you might want to pray about it:

Practicing Yoga is not for the Christian. I have family members who practice it and I want to say they do it out of ignorance or being fashionable. Some have been led to believe it is okay because of bad teaching. I was stunned to realize that there is something out there called "Christian Yoga." Whatever the reason, I have warned them about it. Not sure if they appreciated my warning, but they might want to pray about it. For everyone else, here is one reference to examine and here is another. Now, go talk to God about it.
What you listen to, watch and do does affect your life. I had a real hard struggle in giving up listening to music and comedy that had foul language and shady references to Christianity. When I started weeding out things for the language, that was almost all of it. As a Spirit-filled Christian, why would I want to be bombarded with crude references to women, sex and life? Or listen to someone brag on and glorify their material pursuits or criminal activities? Then, when I looked at the lifestyles of the people producing this "entertainment" or diversion, I had to ask why I would support or encourage them. What exactly are they diverting my attention to? My own current battle: I have a nasty tobacco smoking habit that I am struggling to quit. Not only is it bad for my physical health, but it's a weapon the Enemy can use against me when I am trying to witness to others. My doctor has started me on a new medication to help me in my quest to quit.
Prayer is central to the Christian life. Reading and studying the Bible is central to the Christian life. I know many Christians who are first in the line going into the church on Sundays but they war against the very gospel because they don't pray or read the Bible. They believe what they want to believe or what the world tells them to believe, but when a fellow Christian tells them something, they react from their feelings. What they should do is learn to listen, then go to the Bible prayerfully to see what the Lord wants. In other words, get prayerful and seek Christ on something before you get mad. This was a hard thing for me to learn. When I had things pointed out to me - like my cursing and smoking and entertainment choices - my reaction was either to get defensive or point a finger back at the person telling me I was falling into a trap. When I learned to pray about things and really take a look at what they were telling me, most times I had to agree that they were right. Doesn't mean I changed what I was doing right away, but I was convicted by truth.
Sin will either feel good or it will feel bad. Either way, its effects and consequences are always bad.

Finally, before you get on a huff and start telling me it isn't my business what you do, I am doing this out of love and out of what the Bible teaches:

But instead warn (admonish, urge, and encourage) one another every day, as long as it is called Today, that none of you may be hardened [into settled rebellion] by the deceitfulness of sin [by the fraudulence, the stratagem, the trickery which the delusive glamor of his sin may play on him]. (Heb 3:13, Amplified)

You don't have to like it and I don't either. I just feel like I needed to warn you. The Bible tells us in Proverbs 9:8 that a "scorner" will hate you for it, but a wise man will love you. (And, yes, there is a difference between "judging" and rebuking, warning or correcting.)

Happy-Happy, Joy-Joy

2011-11-13T18:41:00.001-07:00

This is going to be happy post. A buddy of mine has demanded that it be. (If you make it to the end, there is a reward of sorts!)

The other day I was in a really snotty mood (part Sarc & part human button-pushers) and after my pal let me vent, she suggested that I fight the blues with some joy.

"You know what?" she said, "Sometimes people aren't out to ruin your day. They just do and say normal things that seem irritating because of the mood you're in."

Good logic.

"So why don't you - when someone says or does something that makes you feel mad or hurt or whatever - why don't you just think of a blessing?"

For some reason her advice sounded familiar.

"I happen to know that it works," she continued. "A really good friend of mine taught me the trick."

Oh. Yeah. I remembered telling her the same thing once.

So, I've been taking my boomeranged advice and it does work. Sometimes, if the Sarc has my mind fuzzy, I just say, "Thank You, Jesus." It's something I usually say when I'm feeling good, but it's even better to remember giving thanks when I feel not so good.

When I reported back to my friend how this was working out, she suggested that when I just feel frustrated with life in general, I should think humorous thoughts. Now, even though I have a blog dedicated to humor, I thought I'd share some short & funny pieces here. We all deserve to smile sometimes. Enjoy!

*****

*Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
*Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
*The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
(credit to these folks)

*I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
*Alcohol never solved any problems, for anyone... but then again, neither has milk.
*I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here
*Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
(credit to these folks)

*I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don’t like to interrupt her.

*I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order, LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE.

*A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

(credit to these folks)

Peace

--Free

Me + My Hair = ?

2011-11-13T09:00:00.001-07:00

I am thinking it might be time to cut my hair off. I've been hanging into the parts that the medicine hasn't taken out yet, but I'm finding more and more thinning patches.

This is another blow to my already flagging mood. I know that it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's just hair, right? And someday it will (probably) grow back. And, even if it doesn't, I shouldn't be that vain. I should just be thankful for all my serious blessings - not sitting here grousing about hair.

But, in the meantime, it's the last physical thing that seems normal about me. With all the rest of my life in a mess, I have my body morphing into a perpetually pregnant shape, my face all chipmunk-y. Add the back aches, leg aches and red-itchy-swollen eyes... All I have left is what's left of my hair. (If I comb it just right, it's hard to tell that parts are missing.)

It doesn't really matter though. Tell the truth, most of the time I don't have the energy to deal with it. Takes too much time to fix it so that it looks normal. I have so little left on the sides that it looks shaved.

It's just hair though. I should be ashamed for even thinking about it. My blessings are too numerous and the sufferings of others are too deep for me to be worried about my hair.

It's just hair.

Peace
--Free

One Hand and the Other

2011-11-10T10:06:00.001-07:00

I've posted here or on another of my blogs about how a friend of mine is battling cancer. One of the things that came up in a conversation she and I had was how everyone wants to see Jesus but nobody wants to die. We were talking about eternity, but the same thing applies to our daily lives.

We Christians want to see Heaven, but don't want to die to the things we enjoy here on earth. I see so many family and friends hanging on to sin with one hand and reaching out to Jesus with the other. The Bible tells us to resist the devil and he will flee. Oftentimes, we'd rather resist the gospel to hang on to some things of the world.

For a long time I did the same thing. I held on to some things because I didn't no better, but even when I learned better, I didn't want to really let go. I wanted to find some kind of biblical "loophole" that would allow me to ease my conscience. I had to learn to listen to more mature Christian brothers and sisters who would lead me to Scriptures about specific things. It was hard. I was resisting the gospel. Who knows what else I am doing in ignorance?

I hadmore than one person rebuke me about astrology and following horoscopes. A ministry about the music industry opened my eyes to tactics used in entertainment. I had a heavy interest in the paranormal and the occult and was hooked on shows that featured hauntings and occult experiences. I had never really looked at or understood what the Bible had to say about this (Deuteronomy and Isaiah). Thank the Holy Spirit for opening my eyes to some of these things.

What are some of the things you are hanging on to? Are they material things, attitudes, a way of life, expectations...? When we call ourselves "Christians" and still practice certain things, we are not being a good representative of Christ or the gospel. We may even be misleading other Christians into thinking that something is okay.

When I struggle with choosing the Lord over worldly things, I often think about the rich young ruler in the Bible. If he had not been rich and had nothing worldly to give up, choosing to follow Jesus would have been easier. I think that this is obviously true for all of us.

I was in communication recently with a young woman I know. She questioned my opinion that Yoga is not for Christians. I don't know if she is a Christian or not, but one thing she said stuck with me. She mentioned that she has been practicing Yoga for fifteen years. When we put a lot of time or effort into something, we don't want to give it up. If this lady is a Christian, this will be a struggle for her.

Another friend of mine used to be a heavy partier and recreational drug user before she came to Christ. Though she had not been an alcoholic, she won't touch alcohol at all now because it reminds her of her past. She had to give up everything that tied her to that old life.

For some people, their struggle is with money or material possessions. Maybe they made their money illegally or gained their possessions immorally. How difficult would it be for, say, a drug dealer to give up the cars and homes they gained through criminal activity? What if doing that meant being dirt poor and having to start all over?

For some people, the struggle may be with giving up a lifestyle. How does someone who has gained all their esteem from being beautiful or exploiting their physical attributes give up the vanity? (I now think of the lady named Gretchen on Real Housewives of Orange Country. In opening credits, she says "God is my savior, my husband is my king, and my body, it's sinful." At one point she did a "sexy" modeling shoot for her line of seductive clothing. Like so many people today, her sexy image is a huge part of her identity.

The point is that we all have weaknesses that the Enemy can use to keep us from being the most effective witnesses to the gospel. We need to learn where we are vulnerable and then work at giving those things up. We need to start resisting Satan and not the gospel.

Let me end by adding this: I think that the Enemy loves to use us against each other. Most often, when someone tries to warn me of some spiritual danger, I don't immediately react with gratitude. Usually, I am a little resentful and I either challenge them to show me where Scripture agrees with them (and we do need to always consult the Bible), or I disbelieve them completely. Sometimes, I try to point out that what I am doing is harmless since I don't take it seriously. I am learning to just listen, check Scripture and pray on everything. If the Enemy had his way, every discussion would turn into bullying, resentment and just a general falling-out among believers.

Counting It All Joy

2011-11-08T10:25:00.000-07:00

Committing to Christ is, of course, life-changing, but there are many changes you don't expect. I think one of the ways you know for yourself the depth of your love for Him is how you handle those unexpected changes.

I called myself a Christian for so long without actually being committed to the life. That was easy. There were no personal sacrifices, no taking a stand on anything. I just considered myself a Christian. I didn't put a lot of thought into everything I did or said. There were no internal struggles over how to handle certain situations. There wasn't the pull to share the gospel or defend the faith. I could just be an inactive and silent "Christian."

This being and living as a Christian is different. I'm having to be humble and forgiving. That's tough for a gal who's been emotionally selfish most of her life! Most of all, I am having to see people differently. I can't answer anger with anger, jibe with jibe. I have to look at people as if I was standing in their shoes and not as if I'm seeing them from my experiences. I have to remember that all who will eventually come to Him are works in progress. I have to remember where I was before I got to where I am. I'm learning to say "Your will be done, Lord, not mine." I'm learning to pray a lot.

The hardest thing is controlling my human impulses. The impulse to feel and respond like I did before I made this commitment. I have a friend who truly walks the daily walk. I know now that God put her in my life for a reason. I am amazed at how, no matter what life hits her with, she just grits her teeth and keeps walking in faith. I've seen her go through things that would break a lot of people, but she just prays and pushes on. I've seen people treat her horribly, but she prays for them and pushes on. Just when it seems like she might be about to give up, she prays and shakes everything off. I think God put her in my life as an example.

I'm still having a hard time with the little daily things, but I am keeping James 1:2-3 in mind:

²Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations.
³Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.

As the old folks used to say, "Count it all joy." I'm just now learning what that really means. It's not easy, but I'm trying to put it into action. I'm learning hard things about what being humble and loving means: not always having to have the last word, not caring what people say or how they treat you, smiling and enjoying even the smallest blessings, doing what you need to do even when it seems overwhelming, standing on your faith no matter what anyone thinks. Just have to count it all joy.

Peace
--Free

5 Things A Married Woman Should Consider

2011-11-02T11:46:00.001-07:00

When I did a post a couple years back on 6 Things Women (I) Want, I didn't follow up with a post for the ladies. Here it is now. In it I am speaking to Christians who went or are going into marriage as the Bible teaches. I realize that many couples are like I was and entered marriages that were broken before they were made. These things I mention are what I would have considered had my situation been better. If not for the abuse in my marriage, I would have considered these things before separating. I hope this post is a blessing to others.

Pride - Not worldly pride, but loving pride, if you can call it that. Whatever you call it, it's what will make you present your best to the world as a man's woman. It's what will make you want to represent yourself well as a Christian and married woman. Comb your hair, clean your clothes, keep your home clean. Keep your words clean. No Christian woman needs to be known for her ability to curse well, talk loud or cut someone down.

Hardworking - Don't be that woman who thinks being pampered is a ticket to laziness. If you both work outside the home, you both still have a home to care for. Take the time to prepare his meals, do his laundry and make the home nice. His job is to the the "man stuff" (and don't let the world trip you up with talk of sexism), your job is to do the "lady stuff." What's wrong with having feminine and masculine roles? If you want to start buying into what the world says about sexism gender roles, just look at where it's gotten us. If you are the sole breadwinner and there is no reason why he shouldn't be helping out, then something is wrong already.

Respect - For your husband as your husband, a man, and a father. The world might not respect him, but he's not married to the world. Don't emasculate him. Don't parent him. Don't manipulate him. Don't try to rule over and be the "head" in the marriage.

Be his wife- You are not his "old lady" or "current thing," you are his wife. You are joined as one flesh. Don't live your marriage as if it is a temporary situation. You are married to him and not to anyone else. Your goal should not be to attract other men because you have the only man you need to be concerned with. I heard one minister remark that many woman make church leaders their "daddy" or "father." He is so right when he points out that this is disrespectful to a woman's husband and that it's not biblical. You are not married to your pastor, bishop, reverend or whoever. Your husband is your head in your home and family.

Be Feminine - Again, don't listen to what the world says about gender roles. Assuming the man married you because you are a woman, be a woman and let him be a man. Don't try to take on his duties in the home. If he can't do something well at first, he can learn. He can't learn if you are always taking over and doing them for him. Be womanly and desirable to him. If his heart is right with the Lord, he won't take advantage or abuse that situation.

2Wives, be subject (be submissive and adapt yourselves) to your own husbands as [a service] to the Lord.    ²³For the husband is head of the wife as Christ is the Head of the church, Himself the Savior of [His] body. ²⁴As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands.
    ²⁵Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, ²⁶So that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word, ²⁷That He might present the church to Himself in glorious splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such things [that she might be holy and faultless]. ²⁸Even so husbands should love their wives as [being in a sense] their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. ²⁹For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and carefully protects and cherishes it, as Christ does the church, ³⁰Because we are members (parts) of His body.
    31For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32This mystery is very great, but I speak concerning [the relation of] Christ and the church. 33However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [[a]that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and [b]that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly]. Eph 5:22-33

Peace
--Free

FLASHBACK: 6 Things Women (I) Want In A Man

2011-11-02T10:51:00.000-07:00

Looking back on posts I did prior to renewing my commitment to Christ, I see so much that I would like to amend. I will be doing that in a series of "Flashback" post.

I did one post a couple years ago called "6 Things Women (I) Want In A Man." I really don't want to change much about it except to advice readers to look at Ephesians5 and add a couple of points:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, (Eph 5:22-33 ESV)

Be someone she can submit to and feel safe in doing so.

Be the head without being big-headed.

Love her as Christ loves us.

When I wrote the original post, I don't think I followed up on my promise to do a post for the ladies. That's coming up!

In My Sarc Shoes

2011-11-02T10:17:00.002-07:00

You know that old saying about walking a mile in someone's shoes, right? Well, I'm learning what it is to walk a mile in the shoes of someone with a chronic illness.

I wasn't going to post about it because I've been trying to be all "keep your head up" about it. When a Twitter friend asked me about how I was doing, I almost gave the usual polite response until it dawned on me that speaking up might help others. I have run across other blogs and forums where people have spoken up about their experience with Sarc and that's helped me. So, my turn.

When I was first diagnosed I was told how rare Sarcoidosis is supposed to be, but within weeks of telling people I had it, I found out about 3 people in my area who also have it. One person is a guy I used to work with, another is an acquaintance of his and still another is a member of a family I am fairly close to. Later I learned that possibly tens of thousands of people in the U.S. alone may suffer from it.

There's no relief in knowing that I am not alone or part of some minority. It would be easier, I think, to have some disease that's more well-known - both for the treatment and the understanding. What's most frustrating about dealing with the effects of Sarc is that no one seems to really understand what it feels like. If I had, say, diabetes or had suffered a stroke, at least people could empathize when I described a symptom. In the case of Sarc even I don't know all the symptoms so I'm constantly worried.

The other day I just went into the bathroom and cried for half an hour. Why? Well, let's see, my back aches and I don't know why. My eyes feel swollen and itchy and sometimes are red for hours. And I don't know why. When I walk for any amount of time, my legs get tired and heavy and I'm worn out like I've run a marathon. And I don't know why. I break out into sweats at any given moment. And I don't know why. Worst of all, my brain seems to go on hiatus at various times, making me feel completely stupid and incompetent. And I don't know why. I feel so cranky all the time. And I don't know why. I feel great for a time and then fatigue slams into me like a wall. And I don't know why. Parts of my face, arms and legs go numb for whatever reason... Don't even get me started on what the medication does to me. The prednisone has me swollen to 40-plus pounds over my usual weight. The methrotrexate has my hair dry and falling out. My cuticles are dry, cracky and they hurt to touch anything.

I'm only 50 years old. I feel some days as if I am going on 80.

My best comfort has been in talking with the guy I used to work with. I find myself calling him up or texting him to ask ridiculous things like "Do you get the really horrible back ache for no reason?" Or, "This sounds crazy, but do you lose your train of thought right in the middle of doing something?" And I can't tell you how relieved I feel when he can say that the same thing happens to him. With other people, I don't think they take serious how scared it makes me feel. They care but they don't understand. How can they when I don't understand it either.

So, I am walking that mile. And it's so hard. It's hard not to feel sorry for myself. It's hard not to be upset at people who just seem to be clueless about how I feel.

That's all the bad stuff. Now, the blessings:

I know that God has a plan. He's never let me go through anything without a lesson. So, what have I learned or gotten out of this nightmare of Sarc?

I have been humbled, which is never a bad thing! I have gained compassion for anyone dealing with an illness or some other situation out of their control. I have been forced to do more praying and thinking and sitting still. I have received kindness and support from unlikely sources. I have learned to appreciate the things I can still do.

Most of all, I appreciate being humbled. One of my sins was my ego. It was easy for me to look at a person who didn't have what I had or wasn't able to do what I could do and dismiss them. I'd shrug them off as not worthy. I didn't consider what might have brought them to the place they were at and was holding them there. Now I understand that, for all I knew, God might have been working on them the way He is working on me. I've learned not to try to be all-knowing about people and their situation. I've learned that I am not as wise as I might like to think! lol

God has had to break me to make me.

Whew! I think I feel better getting all that off my chest. In the meantime, I hope that my Christian brothers and sister will pray for me. Pray that God's will be done.

Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance.
And endurance (fortitude) develops maturity of character (approved faith and tried integrity). And character [of this sort] produces [the habit of] joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation.
Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us. (Romans 5:3-5)

Peace
--Free

Getting Back In Shape

2011-10-21T11:30:00.000-07:00

Sooo... I am on this "diet." LOL

After going from 145 pounds in July up to 185 now, my doctors have lowered the dose of steroids they have me taking. Maybe now I can start losing some of this weight I've put on. Not for vanity sake, but just so that I can get around better, feel more comfortable and, hopefully, get rid of the awful backaches I've been having. My little old frame just was not built to carry this much flesh!

I'm not really doing a specific diet, just keeping things to moderate levels. My main intake consists of cereals, oatmeal and yogurt. Oh, and coffee!

The yogurt has been the easiest to adjust to. I just take some plain Greek yogurt and mix in a little bit of some flavored yogurt. I can eat that several times a day, no problem. Oatmeal I also love, but it gets a little boring.

I'm really hoping that the pounds will come off now that the steroids are lowered. Man - I cannot even remember the days when I struggled to keep 120 pounds on myself! The days of sizes 0, 2 and 4 are LONG gone. I had to break down and get a pair of jeans the other day and I ended up with a size 14... The only thing loose are the legs of them.

But I am thankful. I am still here, not felled by this disease or some worse one. I am still able to voice my prayers to God, still able to see His holy Word, and still able to jump and shout in joy.

When I get past a lot of the physical stuff, I guess I will update the picture I use for my online presence. That one I have up is almost 8 years old, I think!

Keep me in your prayers, all.

Peace
--Free

Monday, February 06, 2006

2011-10-18T19:45:00.000-07:00

February 6, 2006.

That was when I first started this blog. My FIRST blog. My very first post was "Introducing Free Being Free." I was about to leave Alaska and move to Arizona. My life was a scrambled puzzle and I was using the blog for comfort, advice, attention... Whatever.

I was such a different person then. Calling myself a Christian but not living like one. Lonely but not wanting to seek the right things in my life. I could have been settled, but I wasn't content.

If I could go back and do things differently, I would still have sold the house my sister and I owned, but I would not have gone to Arizona. I would not have ended up mixing family with business. I would not have gotten married again.

Woulda, shoulda, coulda...

But who knows - my life might have been better as far as material things, but I might not have come this far in my walk with Christ. I think I needed the bad times and the heartache to get here. I needed to fall to my knees to call out to God. If that's it, then it's all been worth it.

I have to tell you, I thought about deleting some of the more revealing posts. I didn't like looking back at some parts of what I've gone through. Wanted to cover up a lot of the "old" me so that it wouldn't reflect badly on the reborn me. But, no. It's out there and maybe it needs to be. Maybe someone who is going through their own changes will be able to relate to it and use it to see what Christ can do to transform a life. Forgive me for the foul language and the worldly attitude of that "old" me.

So, still here. I am truly Free and I thank God for that.

Peace
--Free

Update on Newest Blog

2011-10-18T13:25:00.003-07:00

Have finally come up with a name I like for the newest blog: Friend or Faux.

Feel free to check it out, but only if you really want to think about your Christian walk.

What Is Your Joy Based On?

2011-10-15T11:08:00.001-07:00

(Wrote this on my phone the other day in the middle of waiting for a doctors' appointment. It was on my mind because of how I see so many people feign joy.)

Don't use what makes you happy to make someone else sad.

I know people who can never be happy unless they compare their joy with a negative in someone else's situation. If they get a new toy, it's not just a good toy, it's better than so-and-so's. If they accompliish something positive it's because they were smarter than someone else...

You know the type, maybe. They are ecstatic about some good fortune of theirs until they can't beat someone else over the head with it. You can almost see them deflate, their joy seeping out of them...

And it's not that their toy isn't better or that they weren't smarter - it's that their joy probably wouldn't exist without someone else's lack of joy. What kind of pleasure is that?

Joy should be, I think, a completely positive thing. If your joy is based on comparisms to what someone else is or has, then REAL joy will forever be out of your reach.

Only someone who is, at their inner self, unhappy needs this - call it Competition Joy or Showoff Joy. What will happen to them when others have more than them? Will they be able to find joy in their lives when they have no one else's situation to look down over?

No, joy should be what it is: just joy for itself. Joy in your best times and in your worst times. God-given and pure.

We should never focus on someone else's misfortune in order to see our own joy. My being able to fill my home with roses is nice, but not if I use it to point out the stink in someone else's home.

Just saying.

Peace

--Free

Man Worship?

2011-10-09T10:10:00.000-07:00

When Steve Jobs died the other day, I wasn't too surprised at all the news and comments. He was kind of a big deal.

I was surprised when the news and comments kept going and going.

People on social networking sites were admitting to being depressed and "devastated" by the loss of this man. Someone on my twitter line spoke of going out "right now" to buy a black turtleneck. In spite of someone having died, I almost had to laugh at the silliness of it.

We saw this same thing with Michael Jackson. I'm sure we'll see it again when another "star" of the world passes. Just like with Michael Jackson, I was disturbed by the way so many people were reacting about the death of someone they don't personally know - other than his products. I hope that since so many people admired him, the Christians in that crowd had prayed for him all along to be saved.

What really got me was how many Christian people seemed to be in deep grieving. I see where pastors and other church leaders had to chime in and talk about his innovation and genius and contributions to society. Of the Christians, I didn't see where many brought up the fact that they hoped he died in salvation. (The man was a Buddhist, not a Christian.) I didn't hear a cry of hope that he had, at the last minute, accepted Christ. But I heard plenty about his "genius" and ability to anticipate tech needs...

Okay.

But just a thought: if a man like Steve Jobs - who, as it seems to be, was a very smart man but maybe not the nicest - could be worshiped like this, what would it take for us to worship anyone?

Maybe it's just me, but I have to wonder if the Antichrist came along, would we be so easily impressed? I mean, let him invent something better than the i-products and we'd probably fall down in a stupor of gratitude.

Yeah, I know, I'm being a little simplistic, but...

Watch yourselves, people. Don't be so quick to be blinded by the outer of a person that you don't pay attention to the inner.

By the way, out of all the accolades heaped upon Steve Jobs, I found this one article (so far) that takes a closer look at the man and the company. (And, yes, I can tell that the author is peeved that Jobs products provided a lockout on a lot of lascivious material - which I applaud!)

Peace
--Free

I Don't Like Change!

2011-10-08T11:28:00.002-07:00

I've said it before and I'll probably say again the next time something happens:

I DON'T LIKE CHANGE!

I have someone in my family who just got a great opportunity to grow and spread her wings, so to speak. The only problem is: she has to leave the state to pursue this.

Booooo!

As you can tell, I am being so very mature about the whole thing. I can't help it. I don't like being apart from family - not even when they tap dance on my very last good nerve. I like having them around and close by.

I think I got this trait from my mother. She liked having her brood all around her. We always had big, full homes and holidays. When a crisis hit, we were mostly close by to all pull together. Good time and bad times, I remember lots of food, lots of family and just lots of love (or something like it).

*sigh*

I just had to get that off my chest. Matter of fact, I am procrastinating. I'm supposed to be over at this relative's house right now to help her get packed up for the move. Um, yeah. I'll get over there in a minute... LOL

So, change.

I'll go along with it (I have no choice), but I won't like it.

Peace
--Free

Not Here, Over There

2011-10-02T21:29:00.000-07:00

LOL

I am trying to direct more attention to my other blog right now. It is still very new, but has lots of posts already. It's links to news stories with my commentary (and yours, if you want). I know that it would get more attention if it was about sex, drugs or rock and roll, but it's not. The blog is focused on the daily life of Christians living in and impacted by the world.

Check it out and spread the word. (I will continue posting here on Being Free also.)

Iranian Pastor Is Willing (Are You?)

2011-09-29T11:36:00.003-07:00

I posted about this over at Sadly Sinful (which, sadly - haha - still has not caught on after a couple of weeks), but I want to get the word out, so...

This Iranian pastor is facing death because of his Christianity. Pray for him. Pray for ourselves. This should remind us that we who face such small challenges as Christians here in the USA that there are those facing life-or-death for their faith in the Lord. God will surely bless this man.

This reminded me of a story that went around on email a while back:

In a place where Christianity was forbidden, a group of worshipers was meeting in secret one night. As they huddled in a small room for the service, the door was suddenly kicked in. Soldiers in masks stormed into the room and seemed about to kill all the congregants until their commander spoke up: "If you want to live," he offered them, "you can leave now. If you stay, you will die!" Most of the congregants scurried out of the building and never looked back. When they were gone, the commander of the soldiers gazed around at the few Christians left. He took off his mask and smiled, saying, "Now that only the truly faithful are left, we can have real worship." He and the other soldiers then joined in the service knowing that they were in the presence of faithful Christians.

Which group would you and I be in? Would we be the truly faithful or the mostly fearful? It's probably only something that we could answer when a crisis happens. I would like to think that I would be truly faithful.

This pastor in the news is in that position and he has boldly made his choice for Christ.

For now, most of us aren't put to life-or-death tests with our faith. We only have to face the criticism of friends and family. Are we even strong enough for that? Are we strong enough to speak aloud about our faith and witness to others? Will it take a real crisis to stir us to our feet? I hope not.

For more news and links, please do check out my other blog. It's fairly new and I'm still working on format. I cover different stories and news pieces from around the web as relates to matters of faith and the fight we are up against as Christians. Strictly my personal take on things.

I Am Convicted

2011-09-26T13:55:00.001-07:00

Note: I know that God loves me. He has certainly been patient and kind in watching over my foolish self. And I have not stood for Him as I should have been doing. I have been a lazy, welfare Christian, just taking, taking, taking His love and giving nothing of myself back to Him.

Let me say right off that I believe salvation is free. I don't feel that I "owe" anything back to God because nothing I have or can do could earn anything from him. I came to Him broken and with nothing at all to offer. Nothing. But I do want to love Him and honor Him and I have not even done that.

Here's the thing I wonder: are we bold enough as Christians to do the right things that take conviction? I mean, can we please start doing what we always should have been doing in the first place, no matter the consequences?

As Christians, could we start having the nerve to:

Act our age with the way we dress and present ourselves? If you are 50 or 60 and happen to naturally look 10 years younger, fine, but what about just being who we are?

Start witnessing to others about the salvation we have. If we are saved and thankful for it, don't we want others to be?

When others do things that offend us, can we please speak up? I don't mean that we need to go around protesting to every shopper around us in Walmart about the way they talk or act, but what about the friends and family members we are with every day? Can we ask them to not use certain language in our presence? (I have personally started doing this because I am trying to clean up my own language. Now I can see how ugly it sounds when other people use foul words. I once sounded like that? Wow!)

When someone includes us in a conversation and says something that warrants a response, can we be honest and say what we really thing, no matter how it sounds? For instance, when someone is talking about some kind of sin, can we use this to witness to them that we don't find it "funny" or acceptable? Can we just quit with the grin-and-nod reaction?

When talking with people we know who are LGBT, can we please take the chance to remind (or tell them) that we are Christian and offer to witness to them? If they feel comfortable enough around us to be open about their lifestyle choices, we should feel comfortable enough to be open about ours.

And the above should go for our friends who are living sinfully in other ways: living together or being promiscuous. I can't tell you how many people I know who practice some kind of open sin and it's so common that it's easy to forget it is a sin. It's such an everyday thing to hear people talk about their "baby daddy" or "baby mama" or "side piece." It's really sad that people really don't even think of what they are doing as sin...

Can we try being openly known as Christians? I am guilty of this myself. Lots of my friends know that I call myself a "Christian," but I don't think that they know my desire to live as a Christian. Like many of them, I am a Christian but have been such a timid, lukewarm, passive one that it doesn't faze anyone. That's gotta change. I want to follow 2Tim 3:10 that says, "You, however, have followed my teaching, my conduct, my aim in life, my faith, my patience, my love, my steadfastness"

Basically, we have been warned that we would be persecuted for our beliefs. I feel like I've been too comfortable and "un-persecuted" to have been living right. If I were doing even one thing in my life as a Christian, I should be getting a little more heat from the world.

I am convicted by the Word of God.

1John 3:13 says "Do not be surprised, brothers, that the world hates you." The world hasn't hated me, at least not to any great extent, because I don't stand bold enough for my faith.

2Tim 3:12 says "Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted"

1Peter 4:4 "With respect to this they are surprised when you do not join them in the same flood of debauchery, and they malign you" I have, many times, joined in with the world just to avoid being hated or outcast. How sad is this?

John 15:19 "If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you."

Does the world love me as its own? A lot of the people do. People who openly sin and live their lives without one thought to the God I am supposed to be serving. My goal now is not to seek the hate of the world, but to stand for my love of God and my salvation through Jesus and then let the world do what it may.

What about you? Are you feeling convicted? If you are, I hope you will join me in starting right now to repent and ask God's forgiveness, then pray and start your stand this day.

Memories & Vision

2011-09-22T15:20:00.000-07:00

I remember having a conversation with my sister and one of my brothers about which ability we would lose if we had to choose one. My sister has already lost her legs and my brother is losing his voice. I think I said I just didn't want to lose my sight. At the time I didn't know about my impending sarcoidosis. How things change!

The sarcoidosis has really impacted my eyesight and my memory. I have to see an ophthalmologist soon to get a prognosis on my vision, but in the meantime, I am really having struggles with my memory.

I can't tell you how frustrating it is to have memory problems. I have one of those weekly pill sorters with slots for morning, noon, evening and bedtime. Believe me, I couldn't manage my meds without it. Yesterday, I had to call in some refills and, so, I left a couple of days worth of meds unsorted. Just a minute ago, I was taking my noon meds and could not remember if I'd taken my morning meds or not. I'm pretty sure I did sort the ones for today. I'm pretty sure that the reason I got confused is because I thought today was Friday and not Thursday... At any rate, this is just another one of those memory flubs.

Whenever I park in a lot, I hope the rows are numbered so I can remember where I left the car. Unless I take mental note of the row number and then forget! (I'm starting to write it down these days.)

There are so many times when I can't remember the smallest thing. I've been doing some sewing projects. If I stop to go to the bathroom, when I come back, I find myself looking to see where I sat the needle and thread.

Some days (or moments) are better than others. Sometimes I have no trouble remembering my phone number or zip code or year of the car I drive. Some days I do.

The most inconvenient thing is when I am driving to a familiar place and forget how to get there.

Going to the clinic where I have my appointments or to the kidney center where my sister gets treatment - these should be imprinted on my brain. I have had several instances when I start driving and get lost in my mind. I usually just keep driving until the memory of directions kicks in. I think the only reason I don't forget how to get to Walmart is that it's a straight shot! Unless I have to go the other location in a different part of town.

My eyesight is still decent. I have my glasses and they still work. I worry about the feeling of pressure behind my eyes though. If you've ever had your eyes dilated, you might be familiar with what I'm talking about: a tightness and a sense of muscle fatigue just around the area. I'm not sure I want to know what the eye doc is going to have to tell me.

*sigh*

So, eyesight or memory? Looks like I might be losing both.

Peace
--Free

Just Interesting (Links)

2011-09-21T16:32:00.001-07:00

Wanted to share some links with you. I've been doing the new blog over at Sadly Sinful (yes, I know, I am trying to think of another name!) and have found some interesting sites:

When you wonder what the Bible has to say about something, you can check here.

This is an all around good site for Bible study, but I mostly use to look up passages.

From the above site is how I got to the Interlinear Bible, which I like as a study tool.

The late Walter Martin was one of the clearest Bible teachers IMO. Here is a site where you can check out his archived work.

Olive Tree Ministries has an interesting radio show. You can listen here if you don't catch the show in progress.

I will mention now that one of the things I am on the watch-out for is anything to do with cults inside and outside the Church - especially Seventh Day Adventists, who tend to be very sneaky! I really like the EX Ministries sites, especially the weekly broadcast, but I can feel there is a strong sympathy with the Adventists. So, whatever you do, always rely on the Word of God and be discerning.

Peace
--Free

Unseen Blessings

2011-09-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking about the many blessings God grants us throughout our day that we don't even notice:

The sickness we didn't get.
The step we took and didn't fall.
The car wreck we almost had.
The money that didn't get delayed or lost in the mail when we really needed to have it.
The job we didn't lose.
The breath we did take!

See?

So many things that we missed and that could have just ruined our day or that could've changed our life. Things that did or didn't have to happen.

Whenever I have to take care of business and get a really helpful and courteous customer service rep, I make sure to let them know that I appreciate them. Sometimes, I report their good service to a higher up. I usually tease them that no one minds reporting bad service very few take time to report the good. That's they way it is with our blessings.

So often, we get rushed by everyday life and forget to stop and thank God for the times when he saved us from doing something stupid or dangerous or careless. Many times, we don't think about what He has saved us from going through.

The other day, I was checking my meager and dwindling funds and worrying about how broke I am. I am really living a little on the edge - what with doctors' bills, hospital bills, upcoming necessary medical tests, prescriptions... I don't know how I did it, but I kept going and going until I had really worked myself into a state of anxiety and despair! I was in the car, idling at a red light, with tears about to fall, and I looked over and saw a homeless -looking alcoholic. How much worse off are so many people, I thought. That poor man probably was estranged from friends and family, lost in his disease and maybe not even caring that he is in that awful situation. Yet, he was smiling.

Wow. The Devil is smart.

I shook myself and remembered all the blessings I do have. I had to remind myself that I was going to be sleeping in a bed that night, loved and surrounded by family. The bills aren't keeping me from getting at least some medical help. My disease doesn't have me living on the streets. Somehow, with the help of family and friends, I am able to get my prescriptions. I am not (for the most part, yet) out of my mind. I even had to remember that I was driving a car and not having to walk to where I needed to go.

Blessings too many to count!

But, see, one of the tricks of Satan is to keep us focused on what we think God isn't doing for us. What we need to remember is that, because we are His children, God knows us and our needs. He has seen the beginning and the end of our story. He has His reasons for what he does. (Now, we make trouble for ourselves at times, just by trying to go our own way! And, still, God forgives and loves us.)

So, the next time I feel sorry for myself, I hope I can remember how much I have to be thankful for. One day, this race will be over and we will be Home. For now, let's remember to count those unseen blessings.

Peace
--Free

Living Ourselves To Death

2011-09-13T16:38:00.002-07:00

Life could be so much simpler than it is. Mankind seems to thrive on complicating things and creating chaos.

That's the thought that came to me while I was having to scurry to take care of some crucial business this morning. In a better world, I would have gotten up feeling rested and read my morning Bible verse with a prayer before getting on with my day. Instead, I woke up feeling overwhelmed and rushed.

We live in a world where everything is truly a race to be won. I think of it as "living ourselves to death."

You take something as simple as clothing. Clothing is there to cover our nakedness. Simple, except we don't see it that way. We've made an industry of it. You can't just cover yourself, you have to wear certain colors and textures to suit the occasion. Instead of all clothing being decent and acceptable overall, we've made it almost socially mandatory to wear certain things for certain occasions.

We can't just have transportation. We have to have a certain type of car or truck, in a certain color (which changes from year to year like some kind of "fashion statement.") Even if you have a certain model, you might have the less desirable style... Really? Isn't the whole point of transportation is safely getting from one place to another? Why should it matter so much what kind of status or fashion statement we are making? It's so silly.

We humans are such strange creatures. We can't have anything without trying to up the ante. We can't just have soap to be clean, healthy and less offensive. Couldn't stop there. Nope. We have to add other smells and additives. We don't want bodies that are simply clean. We have to have skin that feels one way or another. And in the end it's still just skin. With all the smells that add to lotions and soaps these days, I don't remember what a real piece of fruit or spice actually smells like if I haven't had it for a while. My nose is confused! LOL

Hair is just hair if you have it. It covers the head. I don't know how we got to the point where we will sew it into our scalps, weave it onto what we already have, spend thousands of dollars and so much time into beating it into our will.

We have to make an industry out of everything.

I know that we need some of the things we have made. We want to be comfortable and clean and healthy, but we just have to take everything from the simple to the extreme to the silly.

We take everything & put man-made standards on it to complicate it, put out of reach of some or make it into a status symbol. We don't know how to be content and comfortable for long before we start dreaming up ways to give ourselves something else to worry about.

And the result of all of it? We create stress for ourselves. We create self-esteem issues. If you are too poor to keep up with certain "standards," or born with the odd color of skin or hair or body type, you end up in counseling and therapy.

The saddest thing is that we have forgotten how to put the brakes on. We get so caught up and carried away by the stream of social movement that we don't stop and wonder why. All the time and money and effort we waste on the silliest things would be better used in our being courteous to fellow human beings and good stewards of what we have.

We have forgotten to use our hearts as much as we have learned to use our heads.

We could just be simply living, but we invent ways to keep busy with being complicated. It's such a cycle of "enough is not enough."

A big effect of all this is that we adjust ourselves to the messes we make. For instance, instead of having people who are brutal, jerks, rude or dangerous meet a more decent standard, we just accept it and try to learn to protect ourselves from them. (And if you think people can't learn to be decent, just think of how easily they have learned to be the way they are. It's all in what is accepted and tolerated.)

We reward the wrong things. We reward the greedy and ruthless by calling them "ambitious" and "go-getters." We've stopped rewarding honest hard work because we'd rather reward anything that makes the most money.

We think of ourselves as being "modern," "progressive," and "forward thinking." We talk of looking to the future and "the next big thing." What we have forgotten is the simple pleasures in personal joy and contentment. I'm pretty sure that "contentment" is not a word that we want to think about if we have to give up "ambition."

Peace
--Free

Unanswered Prayers

2011-09-04T18:20:00.000-07:00

Now that I am older, I tend to do a lot of reflecting on my life. I think back on things I've done or not done and can see now the results I live with. There are good things and bad things, but what I notice most are the results of unanswered prayers.

When I was young, I, like so many, hoped for shallow things: more money, better looks and popularity. I wanted to "grow up" to be well known and well liked. I had dreams of being a famous author. Of course, I had the fantasies about the very handsome husband, the large and amazing home, fabulous clothes and cars... Those were things that almost everyone I knew wanted.

These days, even though my finances and health are both in a fragile state, I have to just thank God that He didn't answer my greedy prayers! I don't know where I would be spiritually if I'd gotten all that I wanted. I don't think I would have grown in my faith and I'm pretty sure I would not be as thankful for what I do have.

When I look at people who did get what they wished for, I imagine that that's only a good life for the young who will live to make it out. But not all the young ones who do live that life make it out.

Had my prayers been answered, I might have had the material things while missing out on the grace of the Lord. So, when I reflect on what could have been, I have to think of Psalms 139, especially verses 13 through16. He has known me and is with me through it all.

Those things I longed for and didn't get are just reminders of eternity. I would not trade my salvation for any of the comforts or luxury this world has to offer, though that's tempting sometimes. I have to remind myself that this world is not my home. I don't want to get too comfortable because my time here isn't promised from breath to breath. While I am here, I am praying for my family and friends - for everyone - to accept the Lord and hold out until we do get Home.

Peace
--Free

Calling Out Seventh Day Adventists

2011-09-03T14:12:00.001-07:00

I just want to do a quick post on this because it came up for me recently:

If Seventh Day Adventists have nothing to hide, why don't they openly disclose themselves?

Here is some information that may be helpful. Even if you encounter Adventists who don't adhere to all these ideas, you need to be discerning and prayerful.

I recently posted some videos for friends and family. I wanted to share a message with them about New Age messages hidden in media and directed at the public. The videos are excellent and I have no problem with the doctrine therein. However, it dawned on me that people might follow up by checking out other messages by the same person. I had noticed some problems with this person's teachings and discovered that he is a Seventh Day Adventist. I don't want to go into it here but will on a later post, but Adventists have a history of false prophets and false teachings. They are VERY well-versed in the Bible and extremely subtle in their deception.

I don't know whether they intend to be deceptive or not, but my feeling is: if you are not hiding something, then why not be OPEN about it. The very fact that many Adventists don't acknowledge their religious affiliation makes them as guilty as those who hide a secular or new age agenda.

Peace
--Free

I Dare You

2011-09-03T10:06:00.001-07:00

(Warning: while I have reviewed these videos & made sure that there are no hidden doctrinal messages, be aware that the maker of them IS a Seventh Day Adventist. If you check out his other videos, just make sure that you pray for discernment and watch for the agenda of that particular sect.)

This is a video playlist that I think is very important. I've tried in many ways to get across to friends and family how important it is to look at our spiritual life and re-assess what we open ourselves up to. This video covers a lot of what is sneaking into our hearts and minds every day. People, we are not really paying attention to what is going on around us. Even if we acknowledge some of the things happening, we aren't taking it seriously.

If you believe in the Bible, if you think of yourself as Christian and "saved," then don't you want to be aware of the ways that the Satan of the Bible (and not the cartoon guy with little horns and a tail) is trying to divert you from your salvation?

At any rate, I am making a dare. I dare you to watch these videos and come away unchanged. I dare you to take the time to open up your Bibles and examine the Scriptures mentioned. I dare you to not shake your head and wave away the message here as "preachy." I dare you to listen and pay attention. Most of all, when you get to the end of the last video in the series, I dare you to make a choice.

Peace
--Free

SMH

2011-09-02T14:36:00.000-07:00

What is wrong with this world? With people?

I am just so stunned every day that I read the news. Stunned by how silly, willful and just plain evil people can be. On the one hand, I'm not really surprised by what people will do, but on the other hand, I am surprised that they don't know or care why they do it.

I once wrote a post about not blaming the Devil for our actions. I still believe that so much of what we do is because we do stupid things, but, as a Christian, I know that so much of the influence on people comes from Satan. (Yeah, go ahead and shake your head and laugh.)

Those of us who believe the Bible know that Satan is real and does have influence. (Those who don't believe, well, I can't help you there.) We are told that Satan doesn't want us to believe in God. I sometimes think that Satan doesn't want people to believe in him because believing in him gives an alternative of believing in God. Go ahead and take a minute to think about that.

When I think about people I know who are following after the ways of the world, I can just imagine how Satan and his demons are working on them, numbing their minds and hearts to their worldly ways. I have friends who don't see anything wrong with living together and/or having children outside marriage, idolizing other people and just finding so much enjoyment in what the world has to offer. And some of these people consider themselves to be Christian.

Saying that you're a Christian or praising God with your mouth is not hard to do. Living a Christian life is hard to do. I know because I talked the talk for many years before I tried walking it. I remember when I would spout the Christian talk while I was living the worldly life. I'm still struggling to live holy, but at least I am trying. There was a time when I would praise God with my words while I was living under Satan's influence.

Like I said, it hard to live as a true Christian - and by "true" I mean actually trying to practice living by the Word, in a way pleasing to our Savior. It's hard because we aren't discerning about sin. When we don't understand how sin affects and influences us, we don't think about the sin. For instance, I used to love all things supernatural. I was fascinated by ghost stories and paranormal shows. I wasn't thinking about how that fascination was affecting me. When you wallow in something like that, I believe your spirit gets muddied by it. And this sounds funny, but while I would watch show after show about hauntings and such, I would have fears of things happening to me. I'd have nightmares and have to put on a light to sleep. If I was alone in the house, I'd jump at noises and imagine scary things happening.

Another thing - and something I hadn't thought about much until I heard one pastor's message - I was very much into music. I've posted before about my love of music. If you go back and look over some old posts, you will see that I not only loved music, but I was aware of its affect on me and my actions. One way that the music I was listening to affected me is by making me focus on my feelings and emotions. I made serious decisions based on feeling and emotion instead of being prayerful and discerning. I now have to live with the consequences of those decisions. I made decisions about who to follow, where to move to, who to marry, where to work... All very serious things.

What really amazes me now that I look back on my faithless walk is how ignorant I was. These days I try hard to look at everything from a biblical perspective. I try to remember to pray about everyday things - what I open my eyes, ears and heart to.

We live in a time when information and entertainment is within very easy reach. I remember downloading and recording all kinds of music. I loved having an MP3 player and I would have those earphones on at home and at work. In the car, I had music going all the time. It was as if I couldn't function without having music around me. One of my favorite groups was Earth, Wind and Fire. I never thought about what their beliefs were. I didn't think about what the symbology on their album covers represented or what the meaning was behind their lyrics. In my mind, they just sounded good. When I was encouraged to pay attention and realize that what they represented things in direct opposition to Christianity, I was shocked. I couldn't believe how I had been blind to what I had been feeding into my mind and the effect it had on my spirit. The worst thing is, it was hard to break away from the music habit. I tried to rationalize the argument. I would think to myself that "it's just music" and tell myself that it was harmless. I decided to give it up for a while just to see if I could. It was hard, but I did it because I wanted to prove I could. Once I did break the habit, I didn't miss the feelings and emotions it had always aroused in me. I was able to step back and see that it hadn't been spiritually beneficial to me. Now when I hear music, I can hear it with a discerning ear and, in most cases, the message it sends is not fit for anyone trying to live a holy life.

In almost every form of media, there is nothing useful to someone trying to live a holy life or praying to be delivered from their sinful behavior. To scan the news is to see people being conformed to the ways of the world. Almost every message out there is out of line with what the Bible teaches. There are people praising sinful ways. You can see celebrities whose fame started with their so-called "sex tapes," or putting their shameful life on a reality show. There are parents not only turning a blind eye to good parenting but actually pimping out their kids for money or fame. I saw one article where one mother was bragging that she looked as good or better than her daughter in a bikini. And, for some reason, my biggest pet peeve in pop culture is the way people even talk about things. The language and slang used these days is getting disgusting. You hear people refer to a woman being pregnant as having a "gut full" of someone's child, their buttocks being "cakes," and even referring to someone's gender has almost become profane.

The really sad thing is that you will get laughed at or be thought of as "preachy" when you point out any of this to most people. Many Christians - or those who just have a vague belief in God because their mother or grandmother did - will even shy away from you when you speak up about these things. Just the other day one of my Facebook associates talked about what a good message they had heard in church. They were praising God for His goodness. In the same week I saw a post where they were praising a certain celebrity singer for being the "baddest chick in the game." This particular singer is so into the world that she wears clothing and performs songs that are in praise of Satan. The singer was raised in church and talks about "religion" but her actions are in direct contrast to all things holy. And so many people literally worship her. (On the same subject, a female in my own family once said about this singer after seeing her in person that she's so alluring that "I'm hetero, but I was attracted to her!")

This is a time when mentioning prayer or saying that you are a Bible believing Christian will offend people, but saying that you are "gay," "bi" or whatever makes you courageous. You will just about get death threats if you criticize someone's immoral lifestyle, but a comedian who poses on a magazine cover mocking Jesus's crucifiction is pretty much ignored.

So I'm just over hear stunned by the world. But we were told in the Bible (the same one that so many people say is "fiction") that these days would come. Now they are truly here.

Bottom line, we as Christians need to choose who we are going to serve and quit trying to play hopscotch with the world. We can't jump into one square and be Christian in a part of our lives, then jump into another square to satisfy the world in other parts of our lives. We need to read Matthew 6:24.

Finally, if you are interested, check out my other blog where I do check the news and link to different items: World In Review.

Peace
--Free

Marriage (wish I had known!)

2011-08-31T10:48:00.000-07:00

I just threatened to write this post when I was doing the last one, so I might as well get it over with. It's not going to be a long post, but I wish I had seen something like it before I made the decision to get married.

I heard an awesome sermon on the subject recently. Basically, it was about what a wife should expect from a husband. (There is also one for what husbands should expect, but I'm a woman, so...!)

In a nutshell, a woman should expect a man to be a man. In the relationship, he should be the 3 P's: Provider, Protector and Priest. He should be her "covering" and he should take that seriously.

Pretty simple, right? Like I said, if I had ever thought of a husband in that way, I would have been so much more careful in my choices (and I would have gotten it right ONE time, not having to do it twice).

Part of my problem is that while I was a "believer" at a young age, I was not a "follower." That sounds weird, but, like a lot of people, I was a believer in words only. I was brought up "in church" so I just went along. I don't think that I was a sincere Christian until the last maybe 3 years. Unfortunately, I married inside that time. I was not praying over things in my life. I was still operating on feelings and moods.

If I had looked at my husband through the eyes of Scripture - or even looked at myself that way - there is no way I would have gotten married to him. But, again, I was making decisions based on my feelings and moods and wants.

So, for anyone out there looking to get married, you might want to remember to take it to the Lord in prayer before you make that lifetime commitment.

{NOTE: I can't remember exactly which of the sermons spoke of the husband and wife roles. I think it was this one, but, if not, feel free to listen to the others on this page until you run across it. All the sermons are excellent for Bible study and prayer.}

Peace
--Free

Passing Storms

2011-08-31T10:33:00.000-07:00

Ah, how interesting life has been these past months (years?)

I've been on rough roads. Beaten down, in despair, depressed, ill, hurt... But through it all, God has been good.

I went to the doctor yesterday for my first major check up after getting this nasty sarcoidosis. That went very well: good tentative prognosis (yay!) and the clearance to go back to non-strenuous work. (And, trust me, I need to be able to work after all these medical bills!) Most of all, the medicines seem to be doing their job and I should only have to be on the 20mg of prednisone for another month or two. That the bill for that appointment nearly put me into heart failure is minor since I was able to pay it - again, thanks be to God. The fact that I can go back to work is another blessing, and the fact that I might possible actually have a job to go back to is even more of a blessing! (I've already contacted my former employer, don't ya know? LOL)

All of this is like having been in the middle of a really bad storm. Right now I feel like it's still raining, but I can see a clearing up ahead. I don't know when it's going to be clear again and maybe I'm living in storm territory, but I know that God will be with me. And I have learned things from what I've been through:

I've learned to be good to people who are going through their own storms. Not just being good to them in the way I'm comfortable being good to others, or in the way that I want to be good to them, but good in ways they need. It's easy to give to people what you don't want yourself, but to give where it might hurt just a little bit is a real deed.

I've learned to be more sensitive to people when they are down. To watch what I say and how I say it. To understand that no matter how down a person is or why they are down is not as important as it is to either say something useful or shut up. LOL. I haven't always realized (until I was so much on the receiving end) how easy it is to poor even just a little bit of salt into a person's wounds. You want to really hurt someone who is already down? Go ahead and talk a lot about what you have or what you are able to do. I've done that in my life, but now that I have sometimes been on the receiving end... Oh, but we do learn the hard way, don't we? And, no, I don't think that it's done on purpose. I think it's done out of either thoughtlessness or out of fear (as in, "Wow, hope I never end up like that!"). For whatever reason it's done, it still hurts.

I've learned to be as thankful in the bad times as in the good. It's like all the sayings: "Hard times builds character," and "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

I've learned that God didn't do this to me. The Devil didn't do this to me. My actions, decisions I made in life, and genetics did this to me. Maybe if I had considered God when I was doing things and making decisions, I would have done things differently (please see a future post on marriage!) and not had as much hardship. Because I didn't always pray first over major decisions and actions, I ended up having to pray to get through the consequences.

I've learned that life can turn on a dime. You can be well, fat and content one moment and have it all crash down on you the next moment. It only takes a heartbeat.

I've learned that God does love me. When I was at my lowest, I felt like I deserved to be unloved. I felt like I was worthless. Something in me, though, would always remind me that God loves me. That's what kept me sane.

So, there may be another storm coming. There may be storms for the rest of my life, but God always sends me a reminder of sunshine. One day, we believers will bask in His light. Any storm is worth going through for that.

Peace
--Free

Worrier or Warrior?

2011-08-23T08:05:00.000-07:00

One thing that plagues me - especially of late - is worry. I do know that, as a Christian, I shouldn't let things gnaw at me. I grew up with a mother who taught me (or tried) that worry and stress will kill a person. "Give it to God," she'd say. And I do try, but I have always been a worrier.

I worry about health and finances and family and weather. If I could, I'd probably create things to worry about! It's such a bad habit and I am really praying against it lately.

Here's the thing: worrying about something doesn't help it. I know this. I know that I should do what I can, then just leave it. But. I worry about all the different things that could happen when doing what I can is not enough.

Right now, my finances are a mess, my health is a mess. My health issues are making the finances worse and my worrying is making my health worse! It's such a hot, hateful mess. So I am trying to pray more. When I feel the stress getting to me, I try to start praying before I start worrying. In other words, I am trying to become a warrior vs a worrier. Not easy. Not easy at all.

So, my friends, if you can, I am asking that you pray for me. I need peace and strength to get through these trials I'm going through. I need the love of my brothers and sisters in Christ. Until I find a home church, I can use all the prayer you have to give!

Peace
--Free

Have I Misunderstood the Rapture Theory?

2011-08-19T19:07:00.000-07:00

I am a little bit stunned and unnerved right now. I was listening to a podcast of a sermon by G. Craige Lewis and he said some things about the rapture and tribulation that threw me SO far off what I have always thought.

I'm one of those folks who enjoyed the Left Behind series of books and I thought that what they taught was in line with the Bible. According to Lewis, this is a deception and false teaching. Thankfully, he provides study guides so I can go and do my own reading and prayer to get some understanding, but... Wow. Just. Wow.

Here are links to the first couple of podcasts in the series on the True Church Perspectives site, in case you are interested in listening for yourself:

Dreamworld

Dreamworld (cont)

It was Dreamworld 11 (Man of Sin), 12 (Papal Beast) and 13 (1260 Days - which talked about the Left Behind series) that contained the information so shocking to me. You can see the links for the study guides directly underneath the links for the podcasts on their site.

The series goes up to number 20. You should check back for updates to see if he continues the series. I skipped around some and went back, so I am on number 15 - Authors of Confusion.

One point Lewis makes that hit home is that so many of us Christians don't do our own study. We grow up just hearing what our parents and grandparents tell us when they learned from a pastor. We don't pick up the Bible for ourselves to do prayer and study. Maybe the pastor was wrong (or even just teaching what HE'D heard)... Maybe whoever we learned from was operating under a delusion themselves. So - we have to go to the Bible and see for ourselves instead of just hearing and accepting.

Now. Off to do some study of Scripture!

Peace
--Free

Crisis of Faith

2011-08-14T09:10:00.003-07:00

Since I got sick, I have suffered such a crisis of faith. The feeling of being abandoned by God. The feeling of spiritual emptiness. Oddly enough, I know that some of it was caused by the medicine I had to take, and since being on a lower dosage has helped, I have proof of the side effects.

At any rate, I was really struggling to cling to my faith the past several weeks. This morning I had the energy to search the internet for examples of others going through the same thing. If you google "crisis of faith," and scan the articles and blogs, you would be amazed at what you find. Apparently, even Mother Theresa struggled (for FIFTY years!) with this. Personally, not being Catholic, I can't relate to what Mother Theresa felt, but being Christian, with my whole belief being in salvation through the blood of Jesus alone, I can relate to a sermon I found.

I can truly say that this sermon blessed me this morning: Lenten Series - The Seven Last Words My God, My God, Why Have You Forsaken Me? I feel it was just the thing I needed. Bless the author! Even if you are not having a crisis of faith, I suggest you go over and check it out because it's such a reminder of what faith is.

The first thing that struck me is that I am not alone. I'm not the only Christian to be tested. Christ himself was tested! Somehow, I had forgotten all about how the Lord cried out from the cross about being forsaken. Being fully human, Jesus was able to feel what we feel and, at that time, he felt given up on. So who am I to feel different?

The second thing that struck me is that all this time, I have been focused on the darkness of my situation - or the Good Friday - when I was ignoring the hope and glory of the light - or Easter. (The author's words are so powerful: "Those were not his last words from the cross." Amen! Jesus' last words were that it was finished.

So, here and now, I may have to go through this human pain and suffering (and it won't be easy; in fact, it may get worse), but one day, when I leave this world, I get to go Home and be with Jesus. Maybe even while I am still here, I will be happy again, but I'm not supposed to be living for this "life." It is for my life in Heaven that I am waiting for.

While I was feeling sorry for myself, I had forgotten about all the other suffering people who have it as bad or worse than me. Think of the little starving babies you see who live in famine, people born into a living hell of war or disease; people who have never eaten like I have or lived in decent shelter. I had not thought of the absolute luxuries I once enjoyed while so many millions of people suffered every day of their lives.

So, this day, I am thankful for this crisis. This struggle I am going through is going to keep me praying and holding on with both hands to my faith and hope for what eternity has in store for me.

Peace
--Free

Attitude & Change

2011-08-09T09:38:00.000-07:00

Attitude has a lot to do with life. The meds I am on have affected my attitude, which is why I am being dragged down by this apathy and low-lying depression. So... I am trying to fight back.

First off, I am taking advantage of any moment when I'm not feeling dragged down. When I have a moment like that, I grab it to get something done: clean, plan, exercise - whatever I can. Next, I am going to be talking to the doctor about alternatives to the meds I am on. If he can't adjust them or wean me off yet, then maybe he can give me something to counteract the effects. It's either that or I am going to have to look at being disabled and that's something I will fight hard.

So, this is my life. Funny how fast this all hit me. I still can't believe that just a couple of months ago, I was in a completely different place. I hope anyone who has been following the story is taking it as a warning. A warning to enjoy what comfort and peace you have before it all changes or veers off on a different path. Here are some lessons I have learned:

1. Don't get too comfortable with anything you have - not material things or the people in your life. Appreciate what you have, but be ready to lose it all.

2. Things change. Don't think that because you woke up this morning one way that you will be able to count on that every day.

3. Be prepared for the worst. Your finances, your health, anything that counts as "security" can all go up in smoke.

Actually, I guess all those are really about the same thing: not counting on things not to change. That's what I have learned, but I learned it the hard way.

Peace
--Free

Things We Don't Talk About

2011-08-01T14:57:00.001-07:00

Still in this mood of mine. Thinking too much about too many things.

Reading the local news this morning and I hear about a small plane crash that happened yesterday. A family of four - young mom and dad with young daughters - killed. They were just one of those lucky families where everything in life seems to be going so right for them. The careers, the house, all the things a young family could want. The father liked flying so they had one of those little Cessna-like planes. I guess a thing to do was visit a family-owned cabin somewhere out in the woods. They apparently decided to take a quick trip up to the cabin for the day.

Let me stop here to say that I can picture this family. I can imagine having seen them around town, riding in the car next to me or shopping in the same aisle at Walmart or Fred Meyer or Costco. I can imagine watching them and thinking how lucky they are. Lucky to have such a together life. Thinking that they did all the right things - finished school, completed goals, met and married and started a sweet little family. I can imagine feeling a little bit jealous.

Now I am sitting here wondering if that mom and dad ever thought about, ever talked about, dying. Did it ever cross their minds that they could end up gone in an instant? Or, were they like most of us and just never dreamed of dying?

These are the kinds of things I think about now. And I think about how, as much as I was taught growing up, I was never taught much about death. Not what it means and not to really respect it. I was taught that it comes, of course. Being raised by a mother who was brought up in the Church, I was taught that death is. But death is so real and so close all the time. Maybe I was taught that and maybe I just didn't pay attention.

Here is what I'm thinking now: we should teach our kids about death. We should be more aware of it. I don't mean that we should go around ONLY thinking of death and dying, but we should be more conscious of it on a daily basis. I've always repeated a phrase of my mother's about not knowing if the next breath we take is our last, but, until I got so sick, I never thought about what that means.

A couple nights ago, I put off taking my meds. I just wanted a little bit of time to not be swallowing that dang prednisone. I think I waited a couple hours. Let me tell you something: my throat swole up and I felt like I wasn't able to get enough air. I was literally pulling for breath. All I could think was that I could suffocate to death. Scary.

Anyway, I just wanted to point out that either I'm going to have to stop reading the news (and learning about people dying) or I'm going to have to get more used to the idea of dying. Like my friend said the other day, "Everyone wants to be with Jesus, but no one wants to die." No one does want to die. Or, as I have said before, "It's not the being dead, but the getting dead that bothers me."

So, I am thinking of that sweet, young family - especially the little girls - and praying that they didn't know what was happening. Or that it happened so quick none of them had time to think about it. Please, God, don't let them have suffered much.

Peace
--Free

Defined the Problem

2011-07-25T09:49:00.002-07:00

(Just found this blog, which I want to point out has great links. Thanks to Sarcoidosis Experience)

While I was texting a friend, I hit on what the problem is with the medication I am on for this sarcoidosis. All this time that I have been trying to desparately make everyone understand, I couldn't grasp the right word. I've got it: Apathy. (And because this blog is really my only journal of this nightmare I am going through, I wanted to get this down here before I lose any sense of needing to write it.)

This friend of mine - who has been so good to me while I've been sick - texted to invite me to get out of the house this weekend. When I finally got the energy to answer her back, all I could do was be honest and say that I can't do anything until I get over this medically induced apathy.

What a relief to be able to find the word. I've been struggling to put meaning to the way I've been feeling from the moment I started on the prednisone. When I look up references to side effects, I'm not surprised to see that apathy, depression, mood changes - all of that comes up.

This is sheer hell, you guys. When you know what your natural personality is but you can't reach it... I don't know what it is to feel like laughing, talking, being or doing. And I know it's the medicine - which I know I have to keep taking for at least another few weeks.

When I do finish with this stuff, I am going to be so thankful for every emotion, good or bad. Right now, all I can do is be awake or be asleep. My one sort of joy is to sit in the sun and listen to the sounds of the neighborhood. I can't work or really function. I am just in a state of healing limbo.

If you want to even try to know what I feel like, take just one minute and try to make yourself feel numb and empty. Like your whole being is on novacaine. That's what I feel like. I can't find anything to distract myself from the nothingness. I can't write (which is a whole other kind of hell for me) or even lose myself in my imagination.

So, yeah - apathy has got to be the right word. Complete and total.

Peace
--Free

State of Mind

2011-07-23T06:52:00.000-07:00

Being hit with this illness has definitely changed my life. I think of not one thing the way I did before. It's as if this whole experience has been life-altering for me.

One of the things I think about a lot is death. I think about what it means to be alive and then to not be alive. One minute, you are just chugging along, doing your thing - working, eating, planning - and then, the next, you could just not be there. I also think about what we mean to each other as people. When I look at the people I love now, I try to imagine life without them. I can't help but think "What if?" - as in: what it they were taken away from me in the next breath, or what if I just don't see them again.

Another thing is that I appreciate things more. Ever since I got home from the hospital, I have been so glad for the good weather. All I want to do is sit in the sun and think about what a beautiful world God has given us. (I told my sister how glad I am that this happened to me in the summer and not during the winter. I think the darkness of winter along with the effects of the prednisone would have driven me past the edge of my mind.) I am hoping desparately that my medicine therapy is over before the sun goes away. I think that if I have the sunshine and warmth, I will be able to survive this.

Like I said, I don't think I will ever be the same after this. Maybe this was a lesson God wanted to teach me: to think more about the NOW of life. It's not like we don't all know that one day we will have to die, but I don't think we respect that fact.

Here is something that a friend of mine said to me recently about faith and death- after my sickness, her getting cancer, and her sister passing from cancer. We were talking about how strong her sister had been in her faith and how she died in her faith. My friend said this: "We all want to be with Jesus, but we don't want to die."

For me, that was so deep. It's true. I live my life loving Jesus and wanting to be with Him. I think about my mother and the people who have already died and how I one day want to see them again. We all want to go to Heaven, but we have to die to get there.

For right now, I want to appreciate life and living. I want to get through this illness and get back to being my old self. I want to be the person who could laugh myself sick at the silliest things, think up funny stories, be interesting and fun and happy. The medicine has stolen some of that - and I know it is the medicine - and I can't wait to get it back. I just want to be fully me again. I want to be inspired to write and talk and be someone that people enjoy being around.

Until I get through all this, I ask that you all keep me in your prayers. Try to be uplifting to each other. No one knows what another person is going through, so we all need to be encouraging.

Peace
--Free

Learning to Breathe

2011-07-15T14:07:00.000-07:00

Three days out of the hospital and I am feeling a little more back on my feet. Feel a little more like I can think a little bit more clearly. Still not liking the steroids and the effects I can feel they are having on me.

When I think of what happened to me - all out of nowhere - I am so thankful to God. I could have been lying dead somewhere. What if I'd been driving and run someone over? What if I'd just been somewhere without my family and something had happened?

So many what it if's.

Instead, I ended up with this cruddy disease that I still don't understand, but I am alive and fighting.

I know that people automatically think the same things when they've had a close call with death or disease, but I have got to say it anyway: it makes you think.

The day I was released from the hospital, a friend's sister died of cancer. I didn't know this until I called to check in with my friend. Her sister had fought all the way to Stage Four cancer, and I had just spoken to her myself a few weeks ago. I had told her how wonderful it was that she was still fighting and that she sounded so good and strong while we were talking. She told me that she had put all her faith in the Lord and that He had healed her so far. She wasn't afraid to die. Her sister - my friend - is fighting the same type cancer right now.

When I was being diagnosed, one of the things the doctors had to do was a biopsy on tissue from my lung. That was to determine whether I had sarcoidosis or cancer. It was a horrible procedure that I had to be partly conscious for and I don't know what was worse: that or waiting for the result. Before I knew the result, I remember thinking about dying. I wasn't so much afraid as I was sad. I was sad that I'd be leaving family and friends, sad about things I had or had not done. I was curious about what it would be like to not be alive. I even wondered about how my dying would affect the doctors, nurses and staff I'd met while in the hospital. Mainly, I wondered if my dying would change anything for anyone in a deep way.

Now that I am home and just dealing with the fallout of the Sarc - the bills, what to do with my life and how to cope - I am going to try to enjoy as much of life as I can, worry about as little of it as possible, and be thankful to God for every breath. It took all of this for the Lord to teach me that happiness is an inside job.

Peace
--Free

Family Catchup

2011-07-13T10:52:00.000-07:00

For the friends and family who heard I was sick and in hospital and no one really knew what was going on, here's the deal.

I got sick right after my birthday and landed myself in the hospital. Thank God for my family because I would not have gone without them bugging me. I thought I was just just tired and stressed.

Long story short, I was walking around here, slurring words, tripping over my own two feet, being cranky and tired, etc, etc, etc... without knowing why. This went on for weeks and weeks and was getting worse until recently. I have been diagnosed with some crazy disease called Sarcoidosis. (Leave it to me to get something I can't pronounce. I call it Sarc.) That's what landed me in the hospital from July 4th through yesterday when I was was released. On top of that, the doctors (all of them amazing, by the way!) were getting my ridiculously high blood pressure under control.

Like about everything, there is both too much and not enough information out there about Sarc. I gave up trying to research it and am just paying attention to my doctors - who also admit being a little puzzled by Sarc. The one thing I want to get across to all of you is this: I had Sarc symptoms for a long time and I ignored them. I certainly had High Blood Pressure symptoms that I didn't manage. So, for all of you who are not taking care of yourself - please do. If nothing else, I could have been a lot of healthier these past several months!

I am home now and trying to get a grasp on what this disease and the symptoms mean for me. There is not a lot known about Sarc, but for me, everything just feels weird. I am having some trouble thinking and moving and my body feels a little alien. My eyesight, my movements - even my words and thoughts - everything feels out of whack. Some of it, I'm sure, is just that I am overwhelmed. The medicines alone baffle me. (It took me 20 minutes to sort out which ones I was taking and when and why.) Right now, I am trying to figure out how this is going to affect the rest of my life. This is my first day out of hospital and facing it all.

Everyone pray for me. Pray that God touches on this disease and the symptoms to heal them. Pray that my blood pressure stays under control and that no more damage is done to this body.

Love,
Free

Laughing In The Rain

2011-05-21T17:54:00.001-07:00

The secret to laughing in the rain is to be thankful for your umbrellas. Yeah, that sounds kind of Zen-corny, I know, but it's really true.

I used to let many things get me down, but in the past year or so, I've found that it's better to look at my blessings instead of my worries. For instance, I could be sad because I am nowhere near where I need to be at my age - not in finance, romance or in the normal cycle of life. Talk about being caught in the middle of a life storm... But I choose to be light and joyful because I look at all the umbrellas God has given me: good family, good friends, my physical senses. And I think of the fact that God KNEW to give me the specific family and friends He gave, because He knows they are what I need. (It's only passing-by funny that He could have given me riches, but I wouldn't have gotten the people I have.)

Anyway, my point here is that if I were sad, I'd be spreading that sadness, but God has given me joy that usually manages to shine outwards to others. Who knows what a smile and a sense of peace does for others just by being in the atmosphere? I think it matters.

So please pull out your umbrellas so that you can enjoy whatever the forecast is. Let your joy be good for someone else. Smile at each other, care enough for it to show and let your own attitude teach others how to laugh in their own storms.

(In a sidenote: Last night I thought I was dying. No kidding. Those who know me know that I have severe high blood pressure - it's one of the reasons that I am changing jobs until I get it under control - and I worry all the time about what it's doing to my body. Anyway, I happened to get a massive headache yesterday. This was no ordinary head pain; it got so bad that I couldn't walk for making it worse. I took painkillers and aspirin; I lay down, perfectly still, because any movement aggravated the pain. At about 2am, I started to think that I should wake up the fam or call 911. Finally, I thought that maybe I was just going to stroke out and die. Of course, I didn't die, but realized that I had forgotten to take a medication - which is a whole other story. So I took the med and within half an hour, headache went bye-bye. I have to tell you, though, that the thought of dying was not scary; the only sad thought I had was that I was leaving behind my fam. I've never been so close to dying - that I was aware of - and I am so thankful to God that because of Jesus, I now know that when the time comes for me to go Home, I won't be afraid.)

Peace
--Free

The Mind Is a Strange Place

2011-05-06T19:23:00.000-07:00

I have the oddest thing happening to me & I wonder if anyone else has had it happen.

Two or three nights ago, I woke up out of deep, deep sleep. I think I had been dreaming, but I can't remember what about. I woke up as if something was heavy on my mind, but I couldn't focus on what that was. When I'd sat there long enough to really wake up, I had this image in my head of a man. Seeing him in my mind gave me a feeling of being puzzled and confused. I would feel that he was there to give me information or a message.

I had no idea who this man is. Just can't imagine where I ever saw him before. I didn't know who he was, but - and this is also weird - I told my sister that (for some reason), I know his first name, but guessed at his last.

Now. I have solved the puzzle - just today - and this makes me wonder how the mind works.

Turns out that this man is not important to me personally and I never have met him. I have SEEN him in a normal passing.

What bothers me so much about this is that now that I know who the man is, there is no reason at all that he should have crossed my mind or interrupted my thoughts.

I'm going to right it off to stress and repression of some kind of memory. I just wonder about the human brain - my brain.

Peace
--Free

Branches of Christ

2011-05-01T10:47:00.000-07:00

It's been such a long time since I posted... I have a lot of catching up to do!
A lot of things have happened in and with the fam. I barely know where to start. One of "the girls" got married. My sister and nieces went down for the wedding and got to see the Arizona part of the fam. When my sister got back, she wanted to go and get a family Bible for the latest couple. And THAT gives me something to talk about...

For a long time, we would go to the best Christian bookstore ever - Last Frontier Christian Book Fair. It's where I bought Bibles for all the nieces and nephews, my Christian fiction and movies. I don't know what happened, but when I got back from Arizona, I found out the store had closed. So... I'd been filling the void by ordering online.

Anyway, come time to get a Bible for the kids, we headed out to another Christian bookstore. First of all, this store is a little out of the way for us - out of Huffman Road. Second of all, the people running the store (with the exception of the check-out clerk) were very cold and almost rude. There is no other way to put it. The lady who did the engraving was... um, a little brisk with us. At one point, when I asked about a video on display, she gave me a disinterested shrug and turned her back on me.

Okay. I figure she might have been having a bad day. I left her alone. After browsing through the store (waiting for this engraving), it dawned on me that even the other customers were rude. They all seemed to have a look that asked, "What are YOU doing in here?"

I really hate to say this, but the Huffman area is not exactly the most diverse part of Anchorage. But that doesn't bother me at all. What did make me sad was that this was a Christian bookstore. You would think that in a Christian store, there would be a sense of Christian love and brotherhood. Nah. Being there made me feel very uncomfortable as if everyone wished we would just get our stuff and leave.

Fine with me. I won't be going back. I heard there is another store in Eagle River. Or maybe I will just stick to the web.

As a little message to the owners and customers of Vine and Branches Bookstore:

I linked to you because I love you anyway. We are brothers and sisters in Christ. In this world where there is so much ugliness and lack of kindness, I would hope that we are sharing love with each other. Remember that Christ is the vine and we are the branches.

Peace
--Free

A Choice About Christ

2011-02-05T14:35:00.000-07:00

(When I go on hiatus from blogging, I go on a loooong one, but when I come back, I really come back!)

This is an interesting site I used to check often, just to keep an eye on the news from a Christian perspective. I hadn't been over in a while, but here's the link.

Like Christians have done from the time Christ ascended to Heaven, I have been watching and waiting for His return. And like a lot of Christians these days, I am watching the news and events that seem to signal the "End Times." People, I am worried. Not that Christ will return - because He promised He would - but that He will come when so many of us are not prepared.

I was talking to one of my nephews the other day - about Christianity and people and things I think are not of Christ. Like a lot of young people, he's not trying to hear it. I don't mean to say that he's anti-Christian, but he is all caught up in what Christianity means. And I approached it all wrong. I attacked symbols of the world: music and celebrities and such. Of course, instead of talking about God's love and salvation, we ended up having a useless and frustrating conversation where I was defending Christianity and he was defending the world.

Bottom line is - salvation through Christ is not about what those in the world are doing, whether they are living right or wrong and what they are or are not about. Salvation is about Christ, your soul and where you are going to spend eternity.

Like I said, I veered off course with the convo and my nephew still may be undecided about his soul and who it belongs to.

So - let's make it clear: Either you believe and trust in Christ for your eternal salvation or you don't. Doesn't matter why you don't. Here are the choices:

You can give your heart to the Lord and work out all your confusion about what's right and wrong through Bible study and prayer. Or
You can hold off making a decision while you figure out all the questions about what it means or doesn't mean to follow Christ.

You don't have to be perfect to make the first choice. When you give your soul to the Lord, if you're still working your confusion out when He comes back, you are His - faults and all.

If you hold off making a decision when He comes back, you will still have all your questions and confusion - and have missed out on eternity.

Here's the thing though: for anyone undecided - in the end, it's not going to be about how someone tried to witness to you and went about it all wrong. It's going to be about whether you listened. The Gospel has been spoken around the world. Most people today cannot say they haven't been told. They might be able to say that they were not convinced, but not that they didn't know.

If Christ returns today, we have heard and had a choice.

Finally, here are links to more information for those of you who:

Peace
--Free

Spoken and Remembered

2011-02-05T14:08:00.000-07:00

A person close to me (by blood) made a joke at my expense. A few years ago, I would have taken it to heart, but lately I've come to realize that people are one thing and do another. This particular person probably didn't mean to hurt me. I truly believe that the true motive wasn't hurting me, but making himself feel better. (And because I am such a sinner, I thought, "Okay, that's my gift to you. Once!" LOL)

Seriously though, the idea of ragging on someone to make yourself feel better stuck in my head. As I thought about it, I also thought about something else (sort of related, maybe not):

When we remember people - say at a funeral - we often don't really say out loud what we really remember about the person. We remember one thing, but say another - something more acceptable.

For instance, at funerals, we often tell only the best things about a person - how generous they were, how kind and caring, etc. We will talk about the good times and the good things, but the whole time, what we are really thinking about are the hurts they caused, their pettiness, the way they cheated or lied or manipulated others. Of course, it would be wrong and disrespectful to the person's loved ones to do anything other than be kind when speaking of them. I guess that goes to the whole don't-speak-ill-of-the-dead and all that...

Here's the thing that came to my mind: I want to remembered as kindly as I will be spoken of. I don't want anyone to have to sugarcoat their words at my passing. If they are going to say that I was generous, then I don't want them - or anyone listening - to be remembering that my generosity had a motive. I don't want anyone speaking or listening to have subtitles going on about me. (In my case, if someone says that I was moody and cranky, I won't mind. That's true. I would like to think I have been "lovably cranky," but... hahaha) I guess I want to try to live so that I will be remembered for being true to my ways - the good and the bad. I don't want to be remembered as someone who tried killing someone's spirit or morale.

We all have faults, but too often, we try to show the world one personality while we are acting out as another. We want praise for things we haven't truly been. We want to be remembered for things we didn't do with our hearts. We should care more about whether or not we were truly faithful or generous or God-fearing than we should about whether people just thought we were.

And the thing is: often we aren't fooling anybody. If we were, all the good things spoken of about us would be true. God will know the truth.

This all makes me think of people who seem tall only because they are using someone else's misery as a stool. People who seem wealthy only in comparison to another person's lack. People who aren't happy with what they've got unless they can show that they have it. These are people who wouldn't be happy in Heaven where joy might be equal. Also, we need to pray for these folks because life here on earth must be - in their hearts - miserable. When I think of people, I wonder about the un-shed tears and the troubling restlessness no one knows about. I think about where I would be without God to touch my own faults and worries. How miserable I would be without His forgiveness, love and comfort. What is it that the Bible says about misery? People with these faults have got to be sadly miserable because of what they lust after for this world and for trying to impress people who cannot save their own souls.

Don't get me wrong - I am not excluding myself. I've craved temporary happiness with the purchase of a purse or piece of clothing. I've lusted after cars and houses and jewelry. Not always because I have wanted the item just because I liked it, but because I wanted what someone else had or didn't have. I wanted - even temporarily - people to look at me and feel a little envy. I think that's a very human weakness and sin. But I am going to ask the Lord to free me from it.

As always, whenever I hold up a mirror to someone's faults, mine become so much clearer. Maybe that's the way God intended it to be. I see a fault in someone else and realize I'm guilty too - and I don't want to be that way anymore.

Just a couple of thoughts I've had. I'm done now. LOL

Peace
--Free

I Just Wanna Be Free-eee!

2011-02-05T12:11:00.000-07:00

Thank the Lord! The days are getting brighter, some of this nasty snow is melting, and it's not as freezing cold as it has been in past weeks. Maybe I shouldn't speak too soon, but I'm already checking out cute sandals and summer clothes!

The way I am feeling (most of the time) after the hell I have been through, I was going to add a vid of the Deniece Williams song "Free," but I remembered that it was all about some man. Hah! So...

Even though I'm not that into the whole secular music thing these days, I like the lyrics in this song:

Yep, I am going to be just fine. (Now if that sun would just come on out and warm things up around here! LOL)

Peace
--Free

Reflections

2011-01-02T11:38:00.000-07:00

So... Life under maintenance, a new year started... It all got me to thinking back. I went through a bunch of my photos & thought I'd share the memories... (They are in no particular order. Blogger got goofy about what would upload and what would be rejected by server..???)

(above) Interesting that I was taking a pic of myself, but don't look happy about it... BUT, notice I have hair! lol

My birthday in June 2010. La Mex. Went with the fam

So dang vain! LOL. At my "sis" Barb's last year, trying on clothes my big sis sent. I need to lose about 15lbs to get back to that size!

This is my niece & nephew a couple yrs ago when he was home from Iraq. I was in TX, but my AK fam made sure I got the pic

There's my niece Gabby! And I'll be danged if she ain't laughing. (Good, Gabby. Not so serious all the time!)

My sweet, sweet Rags-a-poo. I still miss my lil baby every single day

I guess I think I thought I was cute or something. This is in TX with my cousins around April/May I think. L ast year.We took Lil Man out to try & fish. (All I can think about is that I had more hair on my head then!)

Ahh, my serious and beautiful niece Gabs. Around summer '09 I believe

Horrible pic, but, hey - you know how those bad-lit, self-shot bathroom photos are! LOL BUT check out the SHORT hair cut... Can't believe I did it. Looks a lot better in person & the stylist (Tanya @ Ebony & Ivory) was amazing!

Me & my nephew Dre. Summer of 2010. Man it was a gorgeous day!


La Mex on the birthday. (We look drunk but we aren't really) Cherie had had knee surgery & I was just a little bit blue...

(from left to right) Niece Gabby (being shy), my big sis & bestest friend, my beautiful Mommy and niece Cherie. Fam love, right there in a group!


Wow! This is me, like about 20 yrs ago. Loved that house of ours. Makes me cry to think we are living there anymore...

Ok, that was fun. Maybe I will do another post of pics soon.

Peace
--Free

Warning: Life Under Maintenance

2010-12-31T11:09:00.000-07:00

So.

I had thought of doing New Year resolutions, then I thought, why set myself up for failure? You don't have to wait for the beginning of a year to set goals, make resolutions, right?

No.

So, instead of reaching for the impossible, I have decided to go for the do-able:

Gonna try a new look for the physical me.
Gonna get my body looked after - check out the flesh & blood machine with a physical
Gonna get the mind taken care of. Been having anxiety attacks and bouts of the "the blues."
Getting the spiritual me shaped up. Having a lot more talks with the Lord, putting my trust in Him to get me through all the time He's giving me here on this crazy planet.
Going to appreciate life moment-to-moment.

I think all of that is within reach. I am, after all, turning 50 this coming year. I want to enjoy more of life rather than just get through it.

Since the haircut is the first step, I will try to promise to post pics as soon as it's done. (Unless it turns out a hot mess - then I will post pics of the remedy: a wig, weave or really cute hats! LOL)

To the memories of those who are not here with us this year: I hope you are at rest and at peace for all eternity. (Mom, Dad & the Grands - I still miss you all so much!)

For the rest of you, I wish for peace in your hearts, minds and souls; love that you can use; pursuits you can thrive in; and mostly spiritual calm and fulfillment. God bless all His little children.

Raise your hearts and hopes to a great Year 2011

Peace
--Free

Auld Lang Syne

2010-12-26T12:04:00.000-07:00

Question: How many of you know the words to that traditional New Year song?
I bet not too many!

I looked up the lyrics and other information and was a little bit surprised that it's not only sung at the New Year but at funerals and other occasions. Now that I do know the words, I can see it being appropriate for other occasions. I can also see it's not as "deep" as I always thought. Matter of fact, the melody makes me feel more emotional that the lyrics do.

Anyway, here are the lyrics. You can find out more on Wikipedia (of course!)

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old lang syne ?

CHORUS:

For auld lang syne, my dear,for auld lang syne,we'll take a cup of kindness yet,for auld lang syne.

And surely you’ll buy your pint cup !
and surely I’ll buy mine !
And we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have run about the slopes,
and picked the daisies fine ;
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have paddled in the stream,
from morning sun till dine^† ;
But seas between us broad have roared
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

And there’s a hand my trusty friend !
And give us a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

Watching the Asphalt Grow

2010-12-11T01:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't been over here for a good minute or two. That's because it's winter and as I've said over & over, I don't do well in winter. I go to work, come home and sleep. On weekends, I hit Walmart or Target just to get out of the house & spend time with the fam. Other than that, I just hibernate and pray for Spring and Summer.

I guess I am only posting today to do a catch-up of the very little that's been happening in the life of Free. So, let's do a quickie rundown...

Got the job - thank You, God - and it's going all right. Still lots to learn and get ingrained into my habits.
Made a new buddy at the job. Cool lady, lots of lunchtime laughs and girl-talk.
Collecting up stuff for when I get a place of my own - which I am having to save up for. Hit the after-Thanksgiving sales and really cleaned up on kitchen stuff and even got a little flat-screen television. Yay.
Haven't written a thing lately, creative-wise. Starting to feel (for the first time) that I am through with writing anything major. That's kind of okay with me, but kind of not... *shrug*
Thinking a lot about my mother and father lately. Makes me a little blue. Makes me think a lot of Heaven.

That's pretty much it, except: did I mention how I cannot WAIT for this snow and cold to be g.o.n.e.? LOL

Wishing everyone to have a wonderful Christmas. Here's hoping for a really bright and amazing New Year. Maybe I will be posting again before all that, but who knows?

Peace
--Free

So, you DO have to tell me twice

2010-11-24T08:39:00.001-07:00

At almost 50, i've had a huge wakeup call & learned things in my heart that my head always knew:

1- things are not always what they seem to be
2 - most folks have no "self mirror." They understand every hurt they feel but not the hurt they cause.
3- we all need to feel that we matter

For so many years, I felt validated by my family. Felt that by doing the right thing was its own reward. Well, that sounds good, but it doesn't always feel right.

My resolution is: acknowlede & validate those who acknowledge & validate me. If I don't mean anything to you, you won't mean anything to me.

I am going to let go of begging for love. I am going to start being my own top priority. I am going to start acknowledging myself. I can't count on anyone else to be thankful for what I sacrificed for them.

Life will teach you many things. I learned late, but I learned well.

Peace
--Free

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Just Rambling

2010-10-27T21:09:00.000-07:00

Oh, my poor, neglected blog(s)!!!

I haven't been posting regularly, I've barely touched bases with my Twitter pals & the Cafe and Farm over on Facebook are just... well, they're looking pretty sad! lol And, speaking of sad, my beautiful little plant must be getting ready to hibernate for winter. Almost all her blooms are dried up... :-(

Maybe now that the season is changing (and there is FROST/ICE on the car in the morning), I will get more into my web world... You know how I tend to hunker down in the darker months of the year.

This is the first time in about 3 years that I have been around for one of our Alaskan winters. I really don't like it much. I think I got spoiled by the nice Texas winters. You know, being able to sit out on the patio for coffee, taking walks, having potted plants out... All that nice-weather kinda stuff.

What am I gonna do to get through the winter? I am going to indulge all my guilty television pleasures (Real Housewives, Paranormal State and any kind of classic show), try to spend more time praying and reading the Bible. I need to get back to church too. Pretty sure they have forgotten me over at Foursquare. And maybe I will start back crocheting. I know I want to do blankets for whatever new place I get, and I have a whole other bunch of nieces/nephews to do blankets for. And, oh, not to mention needing to post here more often!

Other than the darkness, another thing I dislike about winters here: it was Mama's favorite season & I always think about her with a little bit of sadness around Thanksgiving and Christmas. She LOVED her Christmas decorations and having the grandkids crowded into the house... I can't forget how, when she passed away (in April), we all came home from the hospital to find that Mom's Christmas lights had been turned on and were just lighting up the whole outside of the house. Never did figure that one out. We eventually came to think of it as God letting Mom say "goodbye" in her own way.

So...

Anyway, if I were to have an early holiday wishlist, I guess it would be to have another happy home, continued health, peace and family to wallow in. Basically, I pretty much HAVE all that I want (ok, I'm still working on the house part!). AND this year I have a job. So, I am already as blessed as I can wish to be.

I do have a few more things I want to do, though. I want to actually do a Christmas card list (with actual PAPER cards and postage stamps!), I want to go ahead and cut my hair (be a little adventurous for a bit), and I want to find a unique gift for everyone on my list. I am so tired of giving gifts that only mean something for a minute. I want to think of something very personal and fitting for everyone. (I have some ideas, but can't breathe a word on the blog because my NOSEY neice reads this pretty regularly - lol)

Finally (as if I haven't just been rambling on here!) I want to give a big thanks to the Lord for my new friend Jone. She has been a real blessing and encouragement. Maybe next time I post, I will tell the story of how I accidentally re-named a local eatery. (I have no problem at all laughing at myself! lol)

Meantime, you guys all be safe as the weather changes. Count your blessings with joy & endure your trials peace.

Peace
--Free

"I Know What You've Gone Through"

2010-10-17T19:27:00.000-07:00

One of the worse things to hear when you are dealing with a crisis is: "I know what you're going through." (Or: "I know just how you feel.")

When you hear someone say that, don't you just want to say, "No. You don't!"

I've been on the giving and receiving end of that kind of useless empathy. I struggled for a long time trying to figure out how to let a friend know that I meant better. Finally, I think I've found two of the best ways to respond when someone confides their problems:

1 - Silence. Just say nothing. Maybe the friend only wanted someone to listen. Or (since I am not in anyway the "silent type") I think I've found a better way to empathize verbally...

2 - Instead of saying "I know how you feel," maybe it's better to say, "I don't know how you feel, but I do know what's it like to go through some things."

See, everyone has problems. Your problems may not be the same as mine (and vice versa), but any problem is important to the person involved. What I need to work on is not making my problems seem more important than anyone else's. Our problems are always bigger to us - because they are happening to us. I just don't want to be selfish with my empathy.

Now I have something else to pray about! LOL.

Peace

--Free

New Prayer Schedule

2010-10-14T23:12:00.000-07:00

I've always been bad about forgetting to pray.

My mother prayed when she woke up and when she went to sleep. She prayed throughout the day. (I'm pretty sure that a lot of the time, she was praying not to have to knock sense into one of us six kids!) I remember my mother praying about us kids. She didn't do any fancy, long-winded prayers, she just prayed things like: "Lord, that silly child of mine is getting married. Please keep her/him under Your wings!" or, when any of us was learning to drive, "Lord Jesus, put your hand on that car and keep my child safe." She even sometimes prayed for us to go through something difficult: "Lord, I know my child don't believe fat meat is greasy. Let her/him go on and fall down. Just keep them safe when they do." And a lot of time, she was praying not to kill one of us, as in: "Oooh, Lord, please don't make me have to beat that child to death."

(And let me say right now, I don't want to hear from anyone talking about child abuse. There IS child abuse in this world, I know. Some child abuse is a parent disciplining in the wrong way or with too much force. Some child abuse is a parent not disciplining their child at all. My mama didn't abuse us, but she did discipline us - with love, patience and restraint. This is why I'm not out acting a fool or in jail.)

Anyway...

I was one of those people who always meant to pray more. I've recently learned how to pray all the time:

Whenever I am tempted, I pray. When I am worried, I pray. When I have been mean, I pray.

The thing is, I am so often tempted or acting in some way I shouldn't that I end up praying almost ALL the time! LOL

I know that it sounds like I'm such an awful person that my prayers aren't doing me any good. But the thing is, all I am conversing with the Father about is my thankfulness (for His loving such a a sometimes unlovable me), His forgiveness (for my many daily sins - in deed and in thought), and His protections (against everything, but especially against my own foolishness).

I guess everyone has certain weaknesses, fears and temptations to struggle with. May I suggest praying any time you feel under attack from these things? It's worked for me. Matter of fact, I didn't realize how broken I was until I found myself praying just about every ten minutes! LOL! I pray aLOT about the class I am taking for this job I've gotten. (Do you know what it's like to be 49 years old & trying to learn something new, complicated and fraught with statutes and codes and a whole new terminology? It's a challenge for this tired brain of mine! LOL)

Just thought I would share that thought. Prayer is so essential to the Christian life. I think of it as talking to my Father, asking for His guidance and advice and thanking Him for providing for me. All the things He does for me that are both priceless and yet free of charge... Think about that for a minute or two.

Peace

--Free

My Daddy Owns the World!

2010-10-14T22:49:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to share a quick smile with you guys.

I was listening to a Christian radio station (will try to find the name & call letters to post!) and heard part of a story an announcer was sharing. Of course, as with all the really good stuff I hear on the drive to work, I only caught the "punchline." I assume the story was about kids bragging about their daddies. One little Christian girl responded to the others that her "Daddy" owned everything.

Though I missed the joke, the idea was worth remembering. When I feel jealously over worldly things, I now have to think about what that child said. It's true - my "Daddy" really does own everything. I should not be jealous of worldly things that other people have. Why should I be concerned about fancy cars, big houses and designer clothes? My Daddy owns priceless things. One day I will sit with Him in Heaven - free of tears, sickness, and stress. I won't have to worry about silly things like whether it is too cold or too hot or raggedy. I won't have to worry about insurance, locks on the doors, repossession, credit ratings...

My Daddy owns everything!

That's something that only a child would remind us older people of.

Peace

--Free

Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled!

2010-10-10T13:24:00.001-07:00

I was thinking of John 14:27 and I woke up with tears in my eyes this morning.

Not sad tears or depressed & distressed tears.

The tears on my face this morning were tears of gratitude. I have been so blessed. God, all along, knew what I've gone through. I'm still not out of the valley yet, but I am not in the darkest part like I had been for so long. I have learned that no matter what happens, I have been instructed to:

"Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid!"

I have even come to understand a little bit of WHY I had to go through tough times: I think I got a little too complacent and ungrateful. When things were good, I forgot Who was blessing me. I was haughty and proud and selfish.

My mother used to say something along the lines of, "You get too full of yourself, life will bring you to your knees."

Well, life certainly did bring me to my knees. (Notice it's not God that brought me down, but me, myself and my pride...) I guess it's what you do and Who you turn to when you get knocked to your knees! I turned to God.

So, while I am still going through some strife and worry, I know that God is with me. I know that, while today is good - I finally have a job, Thank Him! - the next moment can bring some new stress. I could lose the job, get sick, be deserted by friends or family. Anything can happen. BUT - I have God with me. And if God is for me, who can be against me?

Now I am going to keep on singing and praising and depending on God. I am going to continue to pray and try to be steadfast no matter what people may do or say. And, if I should die right now, I can rest in the peace that I'll just be going on Home.

If any of you are going through some things (and I am thinking of Drew and Jone and Sharon and others), just close your eyes for a moment and thank God for the blessings. The devil can try all he wants to keep us focused on the troubles, but we know better.

And, finally - I want to thank my new friend Jone for reminding me of 1John 3:18---

"My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth."

I have been so guilty of saying how I love someone, but not letting my actions be guided by that love. And I have to remind myself that this love is supposed to be for everyone, not just family and friends, but for the people I meet all through daily life. (Thanks, Jone!)

Peace
--Free

Precious Things We Have Lost

2010-09-18T11:55:00.001-07:00

It has occurred to me that every generation loses something. I am having the thought that with every generation removed from the beginning of the Gospel, people have moved closer to becoming exactly the way we are described in the Bible in 2 Timothy 3:1-9

But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money,boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these. For among them are those who enter into households and captivate weak women weighed down with sins, led on by various impulses, always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so these men also oppose the truth, men of depraved mind, rejected in regard to the faith. But they will not make further progress; for their folly will be obvious to all, just as Jannes's and Jambres's folly was also. (NOTE: boldface mine)

Is that not what we have become already? And, of course, this is not new to THIS day, but what I am thinking is that we get to be more and more like this.

For example, when I was young, there were certain things I (and ANY young person who was considered to have been raised in a "good" home) would NEVER do. Yet, young people today have lost so much of what I was raised with:

Compassion - People are so cold-blooded these days. They don't consider it as BEING "cold," but they just think of it as being "normal." They think of being compassionate as being "weak." They are quick to tell others to "toughen up."

Manners - People don't have the sense of even BASIC social courtesies. When I was young, I was taught by my mother that when I walked into a room, I was supposed to acknowledge anyone already there. Either say "Hello," "Good morning/afternoon/evening" - SOMEthing. I would NEVER walk into a room and act as if it was empty. I didn't snatch things out of anyone's hand. I didn't slam doors. I didn't leave without saying goodbye. I didn't walk into other people's homes or rooms without knocking. I didn't go into other people's refrigerators or cabinets without permission. If I did eat at someone's home, I offered to help clear tables or help with dishes. I said, "Please" and "Thank you." ... Just basic stuff!

Elder respect - People do not accord any respect to age anymore. They don't hold doors for elders. They don't tone down their language for strangers or elders in public. They have no problem raising their voice or having "an attitude" with elders. (And when I was coming up, an "elder" person wasn't necessarily and "old" person. Back when I was a kid, anyone a few years older was "elder" to me. I can remember having to call my choir directer - who was about 7 years older - "Sister Gail." In my house, if someone was older, they were addressed as "auntie," "Miss," "Brother" or "Mister." If I didn't know their name, they were "Sir" or "Ma'am.") And let me tell you something real: I would have chewed my tongue off before I would EVER have raised my voice or used a "tone" with my mother about anything. She didn't have to be right, she was just "Mama." I had no pride at all when it came to my mother because I knew that no matter what or how she said something to me, it was out of love and wanting to teach me something. You say the wrong thing to a young person today and if it bothers their nerves, you'll just about get cussed out!

General Respect & Self-Respect - I don't know why I am surprised at the lack of respect toward elders since most people don't respect their peers or themselves... People today will say the most amazingly crazy and revealing stuff on PUBLIC social network sites. It's as if they don't think that a boss or a parent or someone they SHOULD respect will ever see or hear about what they post.

But.

The basic truth about the times we live in is that while we may not be able to change what others do or how they act, we can encourage them. AND we CAN change our own behavior. Personally, I am committed to work on MY own behavior. I will treat others as they deserve to be treated & pray that God help me to treat them BETTER than that! (LOL) And I am trying to live my life in a posture of thankfulness and prayer for forgiveness and protection.

We truly are living in the last days. I know people have been saying that for years, but the thing is: If these are not "the last days" for the world, they could be OUR last days as individuals. So when we are thinking of pleasing or displeasing the Lord God, we don't need to be thinking so much about the endtimes and judgement of THE WORLD, but of the coming end and judgement for OURSELVES.

I know that everyone in my family has had their warning. I just hope that they take it seriously and not get caught taking their last breath, living in unconcern the way people were as described in Matthew 24:37-38

"For the coming of the Son of Man will be just like the days of Noah. For as in those days before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noah entered the ark"

... And then what?

Anyway, that's my little rant for the morning. I do have hope that those who God calls His, will hear His voice and heed it. I am going to continue this thought in the next immediate post...

Peace

--Free

Betrayals & Cowardice

2010-09-06T10:01:00.000-07:00

Here's a question for you:

Have you ever been lied to or betrayed by someone you really, truly believed you could trust? You know, like in one of those horror films where, at the end of the movie, the killer turned out to be the sweet & smiling best friend or lover?

Hmmm... Why do I bring this up? Not because I have that experience, but because I have known people who have had it. And because I am wondering if I am going to have the experience. Time will tell & when it does, I will surely open up and post about it here.

Here's the thing: No one wants to believe that they have misjudged someone so badly. You don't want to believe that someone close to you could be so conniving, but... when you start seeing signs...

Oh well, I will keep you up on this little situation that I am watching. Everything that is done in the dark will come out in the light.

Peace
--Free

Let Me Tell You How Good God Is

2010-09-04T10:44:00.001-07:00

I feel like I need to testify!

Just a week ago, I was feeling as if my whole world was closing in on me. I was in SUCH despair. If it were not for my faith in God, I would have committed suicide. (Satan was whispering it to me a lot!)

Finally, I just threw up my hands and cried out to God.

Without going into details here (yet), I can tell you that God answered my prayers and moved a big old mountain out of my way. He not only moved the mountain, He picked me up and carried me past where it had been. One day soon, I will go into detail. For now, I am just thanking and praising the Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

You can laugh, scoff, call me gullible - I don't care. I can tell you this:

I serve an awesome, mighty, loving Father God!!!

Peace
--Free

Communi-fusion!

2010-08-26T12:38:00.001-07:00

I need to know that I am not the only one who has this problem:

There is someone very close to me (the closest of anyone in the world), but we have the hardest time communicating.

When we talk and I say one thing, it's as though this person hears something completely different. I'm not sure if they really are NOT understanding me, or if they CHOOSE not to understand me.

I can say on Monday, "The sun is shining." On Tuesday, when it's raining, I can say, "It's raining today." On Thursday, another sunny day, when we are having an argument about the weather, and I say, "The sun is shining again," this person will say, "See, you lie. You said it was raining."

Huh?

Then we get into a worse argument because I find myself frustrated, trying to explain that I'm NOT lying when I say it's nice TODAY, but that it was raining on Tuesday. This person will go on and on about the time I did say it was raining. In the end, I start to feel like, well, damn, I MUST be lying because the person is right - I DID say at some point that it was raining and now here I am saying that the sun is shining...

Yeah.

I'm in Hell.

How do you fix such broken communication? How do you even START to fix it when those are the kinds of conversations that happen? (OK, the conversations are not really about the weather, but you know what I mean.)

It wasn't always like this. It just seems that when this person gets under the least bit of stress, wires get crossed and this is how we end up discussing anything.

I really, really need to figure out a solution to this. I've prayed about it, read books about it, and searched every way I can think of to communicate differently. Nothing has worked.

Anybody else ever deal with this kind of situation? Got any advice? And don't tell me to just walk away from this person. I can't. I love them too much. I just need to know how to deal with this or correct it so that I don't end up going nuts!

**SIGH**

Peace
--Free

Why the Health Chart...

2010-08-20T16:38:00.001-07:00

I just posted a health chart that my aunt sent to me. One of the reasons I truly believe in the benefits of foods and herbal/vitamin supplements is because I have been my own "test rat!" LOL. Here is something that happened to me recently:

I woke up one morning at the end of last month with my right ankle slightly swollen and feeling sore. I joked on Facebook that I had managed to sprain my ankle in my sleep. That day and for the next day, my ankle remained sore and puffy. After a couple of days, the LEFT ankle started up.

Both ankles got more and more swollen over the next few days. One of my nieces teased that I now had "cankles." That was funny for about 10 minutes, but gradually, my ankles hurt bad enough that I had trouble walking normally. My feet started to swell also. The skin felt feverish and was uncomfortable to the extent that I kept the covers off them at night.

Of course, I was starting to get worried.

Now, not having health insurance at the moment (and never having needed it before except for checkups, etc), I had to do my own research. Thank God for the Internet...

First, I searched on "swollen ankles," then I tried searching for information on "swollen ankles and feet," throwing in filters such as "causes of," "as symptom of," etc.

I came up with different common possible causes: congestive heart failure, sprains, gout...

I can't remember right now just how I got to a page that put me on the right track, but: my chronic anemia (which I was aware of) was a possible cause.

Apparently, my low iron level was the culprit.

I was diagnosed as anemic when I was very young. Of course, when I was younger, I had my mother around to make sure I got the right foods to solve the problem: spinach, lima beans (yuck!), beef liver, beets and broccoli... All the foods kids just love, right? LOL... Mama even let me have sips of red wine (she'd heard about that being good for anemics) and she made sure that I was limited on "soda pop" and other sugary foods (I think the doctors gave her some reason to do that).

When I got older and more in control of my own diet (read that as "teenager"), I upped the bad foods (Mama didn't know about all the gallons of Dr. Pepper I was slurping!) and gradually got away from the "good" foods. When I really thought I was grown - yeah, you know! - I developed HORRIBLE eating habits. I was one of those "skinny heffas" who could eat three loaves of bread, deep-fried in butter and covered with a warm Snickers bar and lose more calories chewing that I did by eating the food.

And my problems began.

I was constantly fatigued (and had fatiguing jobs!) and had miserable menstrual problems. I had trouble concentrating and my moods could be whoozy...

So. When I was around 35 or so, I started getting every cold and virus that went around. I was so tired that I felt like I was struggling just to get through the day. I went to the doctor who did blood work. When he got the results back, he was shook! He was scared to let me drive home. (Understand that I have a high fear of being hospitalized.) In lieu of going to the hospital, I promised the doctor that I would go home and get off my feet and IMMEDIATELY start the regimen of iron he put me on. He gave me some kind of shot and written instructions for taking the iron: something like 3 tablets three times a day for X amount of days, then 2 a day for X amount of days.... On and on until I was down to 1 tablet 3 times a day. ForEVER!!! He made me promise to come back for follow-up lab work in a few weeks and to call him if I felt anything out of whack.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

I did take the iron pills. Well, okay - I took at least ONE of the at least ONCE a day. Mostly I just forgot. I think I lost the paper with the dosing instructions. LOL.

Fast forward to me being 49 and dealing with too much else in life to remember to take an aspirin if I had a headache, and... I let the anemia creep back in.

ANYway,

Because I do keep vitamins and herbal supplements on hand, and because I do actually take some of them, I did have iron pills around. Within ONE day of taking just TWO iron pills three times a day, the swelling in my ankles and feet started to abate. The pain was completely gone by the beginning of the third day. Now - it's been about a week and a half that I started the iron. All the pain is gone, most of the swelling is gone. All because I took my iron pills...

Here's the scary part (other than the fact that there are people with more serious health problems who can't go to a doctor...): Had I NOT figured out the problem. Had I just let this thing run its course, this is what could have progressed (according to the faq on womenshealth.gov):

What will happen if my anemia goes untreated?

Some types of anemia may be life threatening if not diagnosed and treated. Too little oxygen in the body can damage organs. With anemia, the heart must work harder to make up for the lack of red blood cells or hemoglobin. This extra work can harm the heart and even lead to heart failure.

Yeah. So I am a firm believer in doing what you can to look after yourself. Please talk to your doctor (if you have one), do your own research, ask questions and - most important of all - don't let things go to far when you even just THINK something might be wrong...

Here is the link to the post with the food chart.

Peace (and good health)

--Free