Thursday, February 25, 2010

Rain, Writing, Sunshine, Moods

Writing is putting me in such a melancholy mood. Probably because this trilogy is really based on my relationship with Tim. Not the relationship we have, but the one I'd hoped for all my life. Sad. I'd probably do better not to listen to my thoughts while I write - if that makes any damn sense!

The practical side of me (which is dominant in most areas of my life) knows that I should be gearing up for moving on with my life, shattered as it is. Like most, I am a practical person when it comes to a lot of things. When you stand outside love, outside someone's relationship, it's easy and comfortable to be practical. If this situation I am in belonged to someone else, I would stand outside their heart and say, He's no good for you. Ain't shit and ain't never gonna be shit.

Yeah, okay. But.

Here inside my heart - even after everything we've gone through, everything he's put me through - I just love him.

I have loved this man since I was fifteen years old. I don't even think I want to love anyone else (even if I could). All I ever wanted was to spend my life with him. Me and Tim. Tim and me.

He's my family. He's my heart. He's my everything.Outside my blood family - of which I will always be a unit - he is my family-family. We did the whole standing before God thing and made it that way. Even if love is not a choice, it has consequences. For me, it would have no matter which turn in life I'd taken.

It's not a choice, really. It's not right, wrong, smart or dumb. It's just love.

I only wish he knew and understood.

So. Back to the manuscript. I can control that.