Saturday, November 26, 2011

Thinking About Mom

I don't believe in ghosts or anything like that so I have never wished I could see dead relatives or friends, but last night something really nice happened to me.

I went to bed feeling sick with this stupid cold, feeling alone just from the world and wishing so much that I could just spend a few minutes with my mother.

When I was about 21 or 22, after I had left my first husband and come home, I went through a kind of identity crisis. I felt like I was just wandering through life. I didn't know what I wanted or what I wanted to do with myself. I think I went around for about a month feeling like this - just going to work, coming home, going to sleep, waking up and doing it all over again.

My mother (like most mothers, I guess) could tell that I was dealing with something deep. We are not a kissy-huggy type of family. My mother was not the type to ask you what you were feeling. It just was not her way.

What she did was, she was sitting on the couch (I think she was shelling peas or something) and when I came into the room, she patted the seat next to her. I went over and sat down and she just put her arm around me and pulled me  onto her shoulder. And I just bawled.

Mama didn't say anything, but I told her something like I felt lost. I can't remember what I said exactly, but it was something like, "I don't know who I am."

My mother told me that I was her baby girl. She said that's all I needed to be.

I never told anyone about this at the time. I think I was embarrassed. Not long before, I had had a little bit of an emotional meltdown with my sister and I'm sure she told Mama about it.

I forgot all about this happening. I don't know why because I think about my mother almost every single day.

Anyway, last night I dreamed about that very thing. The details aren't clear, but it was basically a dream about that moment with my mom.

I woke up this morning feeling better than I have for a long time. I think that God knew I needed to have that memory of my mother. It's going to help me get through a lot of stuff, and I know I have a hard road ahead of me, so I'm glad.

When my mother passed away and family came home for the funeral, we shared memories of my mom. My aunt Lizzie told us how much she loved Mama. I remember something she said to us: "Your mother had a hard life early on, so I'm glad she had a good life later."

I am my mother's baby girl. I am my mother's daughter. I am having a hard time right now, but I will have a good life later.