Thursday, August 22, 2013

I Don't Know What I'm Listening For

There has been a lot of stuff going on in my circle of family and friends lately. I lost my brother, one of my aunts lost a great-grandchild and another of my aunts passed away. On his birthday, my estranged husband lost a son of his in a car accident.

Last night, my sister and I were calling other family members with the news of the accident. When we finished, I looked at her with that "What next?" question in my eyes. "Don't ask," is what she told me. "Leave the future to the One who created it." She sounded so much like my mother.

Whenever any one of us went through tough times, Mom would tell us to listen for what God had to say. She didn't mean what elders meant when they'd say, "God is trying tell you something." Mom meant that we need to hold still all our own thoughts and just listen to God. Sometimes, I will tell myself that things aren't going to get better while God is telling me to stand strong. Whatever the message, I usually "hear" Him. Lately, I don't know what to listen for.

Maybe I should be listening for some way to get my discipline back. I started back smoking when my brother died. For two weeks of the hell that happens in a family during mourning, I smoked, drank and popped Valium and Xanax. When things calmed down a little, I didn't miss the alcohol or pills, but I renewed a friendship with the cigarettes. I came clean (ha. ha.) to my doctor and I am back on the Chantix. That will help with the smoking, but it won't do a damn thing for restlessness in my heart. So I'm going to keep listening for whatever God has to say.