Thursday, April 11, 2019

Stranger in a Strange Land

I'm not literate enough to discuss the book of this title. When I think of being a stranger in a strange land, I think of what it means to be a Christian. Right now I'm just thinking of being a woman who feels a little bit lost.

Yes, I am going to do some whining. This is the one place that I can vent out loud to the world and not get interrupted with a lot of "thoughts and prayers". I don't need thoughts and while prayers are always welcome, for now, I just need to vent.

My deep depression of the past few weeks has mellowed into this purgatory between super-blue and lightly-blue. I'm not even sad, really. I'm mostly feeling "apart" - apart from everything and everyone. I suppose everybody sometimes feels like this but I have always felt like this. When I was very young, I felt too old in my soul and too young in my heart. Now that I'm older, I feel too young in my soul and very, very old in my heart. I feel weighted and heavy with expectation - of what? I don't know.

I've only ever read one of Zora Neale Hurston's books but I am a great fan of her quotes. My first favorite is "There are years that ask questions and years that answer." I feel as if I should be living in my "answer" years but I'm still so full of questions. My other favorite Z.N.H. quote is  ""Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place." That one has been on repeat in my head for the past several months.

Is it normal to feel different and absolutely unique? No, and it's not egotistical either. God has said that we are all "fearfully and wonderfully" made. It's just that we live in a world that expects conformity in the way we look, speak, think, and behave. Like everything, conformity is good. To a point. But like the love of food turning to gluttony, sexual pleasure turning to perversion, and the enjoyment of wine turning to drunkenness, conforming to respect social norms can turn to - what? A follow-the-leader world of people who glut, pervert, and live drunken lives of constant hedonism?

Let me stop here and say that I'm glad about one thing today. My brain is actually working well enough to string decent thoughts together. I will quit while I am ahead though. I need to still myself and think all this through a little deeper.