Saturday, May 04, 2019

RANT: Keeping It Real

Let me start by saying that this post might "trigger" some folk. I'm sorry but I have to do this. I just finished trying to shop online for some makeup and hair products and I somehow ended up water-sliding down a rabbit hole of madness.

Ladies, when did we get so extreme about trying to be beautiful? Is it because of the selfie mentality brought on by Facebook and Instagram? I think that must be it. I can do a whole pre-rant rant on how sick I am of seeing people pooching up their lips and squinching their eyes to look "sexy" in their photos. I admit that I am jealous of photogenic people but that has nothing to do with how much I hate the way we have perverted the simple act of posing for photos. In my opinion 'posing' for a photo means making sure you don't have food in your teeth, your nose is not shining to light a room. and you are sucking in the belly pooch. I don't know when it because such a thing to make "duck lips" (how f**king stupid does that even sound?) and squinch-eyes. Only Marilyn Monroe could get away with that and she's gone now so stop it. Just stand there and try to look like you are glad to be alive and smile. That's it. Simple. And even if you want to cute it up by pretending to be a lingerie model, that's cutest when it's an every-now-and-then thing. I don't even know some people anymore when I see them in person because they are so impossibly glamorous in every single photo. (I can swear that I am not lying when I say there are people I met online through the family that I did not recognize the first time I saw them in person. I'm dead serious.)

And I get it. We all want to look our best - in photos and in person. Why the hell do you think I was shopping for makeup and hair products? I want to look my nicest. Usually. Most of the time though, I am a what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of gal. If I'm not being stubborn, I will put on some foundation and lipstick and reacquaint my body with something other than jeans and a t-shirt. At my finest, I will even try to wear hose and heels. (The heels part is a little tricky with my balance these days, but...)

I once watched a makeup tutorial video that reminded me of something my mother used to say about people just running out of sh*it to do. What I wanted was to understand what "contouring" is since I had heard so much about it. Have you seen this kind of thing before? It's like trick makeup. If you are skilled enough at this contouring stuff, you can abracadabra a person into a whole other entity.

When I was writing this I got so tickled because I remembered something from an old movie. The best part starts at the 3:40 mark.

That clip reminded me of one from the Fresh Prince:

I no longer find Will Smith, sexy or charming these last few years but this clip still cracks me up.

Some women are going to hate me for saying this but... I think it's a little unfair when ladies paint themselves into another face, Spanx up a whole other body, and go all weave-a-go-go. A guy has no idea what a woman really looks like. Sooner or later, all the special effects are going to have to be washed off. And I totally get wanting to look good your best for your man, but reality is still the name of the game. If you are jazzing yourself up in online pics to maybe meet a mate, remember one thing: you eventually have to show up in person. I just think honesty is too important in a relationship (said the woman who, when younger, got up before her husband, apply full makeup, get back in bed and "wake up" again looking lovely) and going too far with the makeup and everything is basically a lie. There's a reason my first marriage failed.

 Another reason I don't understand the obsession with makeup is how messy it can be. I wear a little bit of foundation and am lucky when I make it through the day without it transferring onto everything. When I clean my face at night - and this is just for a tiny bit of foundation mixed into some sunscreen - that baby wipe comes away looking like I used it to stain furniture. That's not sexy.

Maybe I'm just being so critical because I no longer wear much makeup. Even when I was younger, I was no good at using anything beyond the basics. I'm always kind of amazed at the talent some people have at changing their whole look with makeup.

I was talking to a guy in line at the store not long ago. He complimented me on my eyes, saying they were pretty. Before I could even thank him, he asked if my contacts were colored. They are not. I have a strange genetic thing going on that gives my eyes a blue tinge. But I can't blame the guy for asking (but I kind of can) since, these days, you never know what's real or purchased. ~shrug~

I don't know. I'm bitching and criticizing but I am probably a little bit of a hypocrite. I have been known to wear braided extensions and I am not above slathering on makeup for formal photos. One time, I tried wearing some Spanx-like undergarment to work. Two hours into my day, I had to go into the bathroom and completely disrobe to peel myself out of that contraption. I was so constricted I felt like I was about to stroke out...

So, okay then. I guess we all can be a bit vain at times. I just wish we could be more accepting of each other straight, no chaser, no coverup.

One reason I try to never doctor online photos of myself is that I'd rather you be pleasantly surprised when you meet me instead of thinking of me as a photo-shopping genius of a cheat. Oh, wait - was that vain of me?