For My Lady Blogger Buddies

Okay - and the guys too. Anyone who wants to laugh. No post today, so enjoy this. It was given to me yesterday when I went to lunch with my office family. I'm surprised we weren't kicked out of the place. I'm not sure who wrote it, but YOU WILL LAUGH. (It's a little long...)

CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my "honey pot" and stretching down to the inside of my ass cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. OH NO! What have I done???!!! Another deep breath and RRIIP! P!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. WHAT?! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, my "man magnet". Which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. My

LIFE FLASHES BEFORE ME!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Kooter? Sealed shut! Ass?? Sealed shut! Both sealed tighter than

Fort Knox!!!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to Shit! My head may, quite frankly, just pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your ass and nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter -

"So girlfriend, my ass and "kitty" are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking your ass and crotch?" She must be reveling in humor and wantsme to repeat it for her enjoyment.

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your "man hole" girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on my cooch, and

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

"IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!! Looking like an Osama Bin Laden gotee!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.....

Now that's funny ........ Notttttttttt.

Send this on to other ladies who need a good laugh!

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and I could say, "I used everything that you gave me"~Erma Bombeck

Taking a moment to breathe

No matter what it looks like I haven't gone completely lazy on this blog. I'm just taking a little time to breathe. But I thought I should check in to see how my blog-buddies are doing. I don't want y'all to think I melted off the face of the earth (although that's entirely possible to do!)

It's been so hot the past few days that I've been staying inside as much as possible. I hear that when it hits the 120's, it's not even "cool" to go out in the afternoons. Even a houseful of scorpions won't be able to run me out of the house then, so I guess that will make for a good time to write! In the meantime, I've been making lists of things I want to do - you know, all those things you put off because of lack of time, laziness, or just letting the world get in the way. Here's my list so far (and I don't want to hear no mess about all the food-related items...):

1. Go back to Olive Garden with my family and spend at least 3 hours there (just like you see in the commercials). I want everyone to order something different so I can try a taste of EVERYthing. I want to sit there and relax so long that all the people still waiting for a table will really hate us.

2. Hit this new spot my sis-in-law told me about: early on, nice live jazz, with plenty of table-seating and good appetizers; later on, a DJ and more crowded, but we won't care because we'll have our table already. I can't remember the name of the place right now, but I want to say it sounds like "Nodu," Nibo"... Something like that. At any rate, I'm excited because, supposedly, it's for the grown and sexy. Get to dress up and see people wearing something other than shorts, tanks and flip-flops.

3. Go to a non-Vegas casino. I'm not big on the gambling thing, but I want to see what the big deal is about all the different places on the reservations. (I've been to Vegas a few times & pretty much stroll the slots with my cup of nickels and free drinks... More on that later.) I'm pretty sure the reservations will be a scaled back version of the Vegas houses, and I'm curious to see what the food will be like. And then...

4. ...Go to Vegas. And this time, catch some of the shows. I swear, I never have made it past the buffets or the cheap-o slots -- not that I don't plan to eat, but maybe I'll actually go into a place that doesn't have big steel warming trays lined up against the wall! Once before, I spent one evening people-watching, just absolutely fascinated by the assortment of weirdos who hang out in such beautiful hotels. (Also, while I'm there, I want to go to the one casino that features the rollercoaster... Or maybe that's at more than one place???)

5. Drive over to Texas and Arkansas to see some of the extended fam. It will be nice to take a road trip that doesn't take forever or involve crossing the border of Canada. Of course, this means I have to hurry and sell this truck AND wait for gas prices to come down to a little cheaper than the price of gold.

6. Get me some nice stationary and write some real paper-and-ink letters. I almost didn't know how to address the envelope when I wrote my grandma "Aunt Ollie." That whole envelope and fold 'n stamp thing just taxed my brain! It's so much easier to hit a SEND button.

7. Get back to work on the family tree. It's taking me longer to do that thing than it took to create the family. There's just not enough time in my life for both the family tree and the writing. As it is, you see I'm struggling to break out of hermit-writer mode.

8. Do more reading on writing. I took time out the other day to catch up on John Baker's blog. I tell you what, that man has so many encouraging and useful words for the writer. I read through his various "lessons" & felt like a really hungry person pulling up a seat at a table set for kings. (And wouldn't you know that some of his advise was to not forget to do things other than write.)

9. Cut my hair. Yep. I'm tired of this mop. Arizona's climate is not exactly friendly to ethnic hair. Like I said, I don't have oodles of time these days & the whole hair-care thing is working a tired nerve. I'm trying to work up to going ultra-short because that would be the easiest. Just wash & oil the crown and go. Of course, not everyone can pull off the short look. And I don't want to end up with one of those styles that takes more time than longer hair does - you know, having to gel it, slick it, tie it... At least with longer hair, I can always snatch this stuff back into a tail or bun. I'm not a fan of sleeping in curlers, doo-rags, wraps, etc. Shoot, I tried to sleep in some sponge curlers the other night & almost gave myself a heart attack while I was still on scorpion watch. Sponge curlers are cruel. I slept right out of one of them bad boys, woke up and felt something next to my face... Hey. I rolled and hit the floor like a SWAT trainer. So, uh...yeah. I need a low-maintenance shortie style. I might need to go try on some wigs before I make a commitment.

10. Go with my girlfriends to my new favorite place to eat at least once a month. First of all, I think it's very important for women to make time for each other. We get all caught up with work, life drama, and waiting to exhale that we forget to come together every now and then to just breathe. Breathe in some shared chick wisdom, empathy, encouragement, tears - both the laughing and crying kind. Just to be women together.

Second of all, Famous Dave's has bread pudding that makes my mouth go "Yippee!" I ain't lying, I have never had such a combination of light/fluffy/cool/sweet heaven on my tastebuds. It's just a joy. Truly. (And it comes with enough spoons to share, so you don't feel like a blimp when you leave.) Then, when and if I get tired of Famous Dave's , I guess the girls and I can rotate to one of the other 3 million places they have to eat around here. (There's a little bar and grill that I noticed a week ago... I might need to cruise back by there and see what the menu looks like.)

11. Spend some time not writing, not working on the Tree, and not doing anything that restricts my mind to moment, time or place. I guess I just want to spend some time to let my mind breathe. (What is it with me and this Breathe theme???)

12. Take more pictures. Of the family, of the scenery, of life as it's happening. AND actually get the pics developed (or printed) and labelled. New photo album time. Years from now, when people look at the photos, they'll know who's who & exactly why they're laughing with their mouth hanging all open - because I will not only label the pics, but make little notations. So there.

13. Donate to a couple of those funds for kids. I'd like to pick two charities: one for local kids and another for a child anywhere in the world. (I'm too fickle, selfish and moody to say that I could be a Big Sister volunteer. I could just see myself breaking dates with the child whenever I had a mood swing.)

14. Keep adding to this list. I don't ever want to get to a point where I don't crave breathing new air. (Damn! There's that breathe thing again. I need to set some time aside to explore this with my inner psychologist.)

So there you have it: the Do List. Let's just all pray for October to get here. For now I'm not trying to do anything that requires walking more than 20 feet from my ride until this heat shuts down a little.

Peace
--Free

Arizona's About to Piss Me OFF

Still being lazy. This time, I have a good excuse: I'm so tired I could drop and sleep for YEARS - except I can't. The following letter that I sent with a photo to family and friends a minute ago will explain.

To: ----various friends & fam back home & around the States----

I meant to send this when we got it. This is the pic us Conway brothers & sisters took when we were all together for Christmas /New Years 2005.


I have to tell you guys: I really do like it here. Really. Mike doesn't like it as much, but that's cause it's still summer.

Anyway - I have survived the heat (112 the highest so far & headed to be 121 before it's over). I have survived the 14-mile commute. That doesn't sound like much to some of you, but my Anchorage folk know that that's a lo--oong ass drive unless you're traveling with luggage.

I have survived going to a mall so huge that they had a parking lot bigger than all of South Anchorage - we used valet parking. Now, you know a parking lot is too damned big if they have to have valet parking... And, yes, I paid the five bucks so that Mike wouldn't have to walk so far.

Folks, I have even survived a run-in with a spider that looked like it wanted to box me like Ali. It would have won, so I just clocked its nasty self with a Payless shoe.

So, I can call myself a trouper, a surviver, a chick who can handle some stress and changes in life.


But.


Last night, I saw my first ever scorpion. And I didn't just see it from across the room. I damn near slowed danced with it. Nasty little thang was clinging to the side of the wall when I took my stupid Alaskan we-only-have-beetles behind into the dark walk-in closet to grab my nightgown off the hook. It was just waiting, like it hoped I hadn't seen it. I thought it was a splinter until my gown brushed it and made it twitch.

Thank God my niece was there in the house. Gabby cupped it, tossed some bleach in on it and put it outside in the heat where it has since disentegrated (I hope). And Gabby also coaxed me down out of the middle of the kitchen table (holding my nightgown up around me like some chick off of "Little House On the Praire." She calmed me down by swearing that it's RARE to see 2 scorpions in the same night. Apparently, they don't get along with each other.


All righty then.


I came down off the table, my pulse slowed to a mild gallop, and I quit twitching like a crack fiend.


Until we saw the second one.


Aw, shit, people. We had the Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston duo if scorpions.


Thank God that Mike was in the hospital (that's another story & she's out now), Chubby and Tasha were at the hospital visiting - with cell phones turned OFF... Joe was in Nevada on business. Wow. Just me and Gabby and the Scorpion King and Queen.


I called Joe on his cell and asked him to call his pest control guy. This fool LAUGHS at me. "Trudy, baby, I don't carry those kinds of numbers around with me. Plus, they're closed at night." (Closed at NIGHT??? At night. Closed... Okay - hold that thought 'cause I'm gonna get back to it in a minute.)


Now, Joe's wife & kids are in Mexico, so I could've gone on over to his house. But that's a drive in the dark, in my pajamas - which are hiked all up around my butt. Besides, leaving our house means I have to come down off the table again.



Somehow, we make it through the night (house lit up like Uncle Hotshot on some MD 20/20). In the morning, Gabby's gone to work already. I'm not trying to get in a shower where Scorpio and his pals might want to run my ass out into the street naked and wet. The solution: Ho-bath. Or "Hooker Wash-Off," if you want to be nicer. (Yep, you heard me & don't play like you don't know.) And pull out whatever clothes I can that aren't DEEP off in the closet. Took my toothbrush, hairbrush & deodorant to the office with me & got there so early, I got to park in some shade.


Joe had called and left numbers with somebody at the office & they had a pest guy meet me at work. He's coming tomorrow. (Don't ask me about tonight unless you want lessons on how to sleep while propped up on a dining table.)


Now, back to that whole deal about the pest control place being CLOSED AT NIGHT.


Jesse (the nice pest control rep) signs me up for a regular service. We chit-chat about my little run-in with the stinging little thugs of the insect world - or whatever sect of creatures scorpions belong to. Jesse tells me that they tend to REALLY come out when it gets hot. (What the hell does he call the 112-degree weather we've been having the past couple of weeks???) I'm telling Jesse what a rough night I had & tell him that it's too bad he can't get someone out to the house today so they could be there while I take a nap. Jesse says...

(.... Hang on. Wait for it...)

"Oh, go on home and take a nap if you want. The scorps" (yeah, he calls them that) "won't bother you now. They're nocturnal."


nocturnal adj 1: (biology) belonging to or active during the night; "nocturnal animals are active at night"; "nocturnal plants have flowers that open at night and close by day" [ant: diurnal] 2: of or relating to or occurring in the night; "nocturnal darkness" 3: of or during or relating to the night; "a nocturnal journey"; "nocturnal stillness"; "nocturnal predators" Source: WordNet (r) 1.7


"Nocturnal predators." Don't nobody here need to whip out Websters for "predators."


Was that mess supposed to make me feel better? "They're nocturnal." Like I don't know big words (or at least how to use a dictionary)...


Right now it's about 7:40pm. Getting a little dusky outside. I'm tired as hell, but I ain't going to be trying to cop no deep doze tonight. Them little "nocturnal" bastards are just waiting. I know it.


So. Y'all take a good look at me in that picture I attached. I'll probably look 40 years older the next time you see me.

Friendship

I think I've said it before, but I really hate those annoying mails you get with the sappy sayings, etc. Recently, I got the best email ever. All about friendship & so cute (and true) that my lazy ass is going to post it instead of using my own brain to come up with something tonight. Show you just how lazy I am, I'm going to post the SAME thing on my new My Space blog! And, by the way - feel free to drop by there to see my "space" or my blog there... As if an "analog" sister like myself can keep up with another spot in the WWW. (Stop laughing, Supa and Abeni!)

Sister girl is tired tonight, so 'scuse the slow down for a minute or two. I will be back!

Peace
--Free

TRUE FRIENDS

True Friendship

Are you tired of those sissy-ass "friendship" poems that always sound

good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series
of promises that actually speak of true friendship:

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. (I dedicate this one to my non-friends - like the klutzy parking lot blonde!)

9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you
can only think of 4.

Remember......A good friend will help you move.....a REALLY good friend
will help you move a body.......let me know if you ever need me to bring
a shovel.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you
can feel the true warmth.

Alaskan Eagle

This is just a cool pic I wanted to share. As I sit around in the 100+ heat, I like to glance at this photo every now and then. How nice and cool the air looks! LOL. And check out those beautiful mountains... I do miss the natural beauty of my former state. I'm falling in love with AZ, but Alaska is just so unique. It's not like you have to ride out anywhere to see the scenery (o.k. - well, maybe to see the eagles) - you could just get anywhere without a building in the way & look out on this kind of loveliness.

A friend of mine took pictures while riding along the Seward Highway in Alaska a few years ago & caught this one of an eagle. (I have another she took of the eagle having "lunch," but it's a little graphic & I didn't want to upset anyone.

P.S.: ANOTHER Alaska friend popped into town & I might be able to hook up with him this coming weekend. I'm SO happy to hear a voice from my old home town... (And, BTW - I uploaded this pic earlier this weekend & am just now posting it now - Sunday ... Blogger can be so weird...)

Bad Girl Karma

God is gonna get me, 'cause everybody know: He don't like ugly, and this afternoon, I was SUCH a bad girl. (A HAPPY bad girl, but still...)

Here's what happened:

I was out in the parking lot taking a personal phone call - one of those you don't want people in the office listening in on. Rates right up there with making an appointment with your GYN or a private psychic (and I'm kidding - I don't mess with that kind of stuff - the psychic, I mean). So, there's a doctor's office right next to ours & there's this one chick who's always coming and going. I think she's the wife or girlfriend to the doc. Drives a smoking little BMW, wears hot pants that James Brown would dig, and works a walk to and from the car like she's on a fashion ramp in Milan. She is a pretty lady, I'll give her that. Blonde, tall, leggy, but extremely thin (I'm talking thin like Nicole Richie on a hunger strike), and sort of, um... preserved-looking - you know, like, she's had everything bonded, capped, plated, inflated - all that "Doctor 90210" kind of stuff. But, still, pretty - or maybe I should say she's striking. One of those people you will notice.

So, I'm out there in this hell-hot sun, trying to have my conversation and spray sunscreen on at the same time (yeah - I usually carry my sunscreen around with me) & Pretty Chick comes strutting out of the office next door. She does her walk (one that men probably visualize as happening in slow-mo & set to porno music) over to that hot-looking car of hers, opens the door, and - just when she's about to do the whole smooth duck-and-slide-into-the-seat move, the heel on her shoe must have twisted or something. I don't know. All I saw from where I stood (watching, of course) was that she was there one minute - all 5 foot maybe 9 inches tall - and the next... bloop. It's like she just disappeared.

(Maybe I told you all before about a friend of ours who slid under a car on some Alaska winter ice... Maybe not. Anyway, I had a flashback of that when Pretty Chick slid out of my sight the way she did. It was like a David Blaine moment.)

Of course, I paused talking on the phone to try to see what had happened. For a minute, nothing. Then, I see ol' girl pulling herself up on the side of the car. Hair all jacked up, one side of her outfit dusty... And she's red-faced embarrassed. I realized what had happened. She'd made that one too-cute move that sometimes goes all wrong on ya & busted her foxy ass right there in the parking lot.

Now.

Maybe because I just needed a good laugh, or maybe 'cause I really am kind of a bitch sometimes - I don't know what the reason is, but I just FELL OUT laughing. Like to broke something in my side I was so tickled. I'm talking head back, mouth open and LOUD, country-fied laughing. The kind of laughing you usually try to hold in reserve for when you're just around people you're real comfortable with. Whoo!

Then, maybe cause I just needed that laugh so bad, I couldn't stop. Every time I tried to get that mess under some kind of control, it hit me fresh again. I couldn't even catch my breath to talk long enough to explain to my conversation partner what the deal was. (The person on the other end of the phone doesn't know me REAL well, but by the time I got through, I had HER laughing. She didn't even know what was so funny. All I managed to tell her was, "I'll have to call you later.")

Now. Pretty Chick can hear me laughing. People TWO BLOCKS away could probably hear me laughing. But. I. Can't. Help. It.

When P.C. finishes dusting herself off, she shoots me a glare hotter than the AZ sun & then bops her butt on into her ride. That should've made me feel a little bit ashamed of myself, but it just set me off again. While she was giving me a look and trying to play like she hadn't just toasted her ass on that hot ground, I was thinking she might ought to just concentrate on not hurting herself again.

So, oh yeah - if there's such a thing as karma, or if Karma has a cousin called Payback - I'm in for some trouble. But it was worth it.

How sad is that? It took someone else's clumsy misfortune to lift my blues completely away. I'm telling you: I'm STILL laughing as I type this. Pretty Chick is going to hate me for a long time, but she's given me a gift. For at least the next ten years, every time I need a chuckle, all I'm going to have to do is remember her little moment in the sun. (Of course, I won't be trying to run into her in the parking lot. She's almost anorexic, but I bet she could step on me without lifting her leg too high.)

Y'all better pray for me 'cause I have a bill coming for this one. Either I'm going to fall, slide, or trip. Something. Life just does not give away the laugh I got today without a collection notice.

Peace
--Free

The Ulu

By the way - this is what an Ulu is. I decided that I am going to get a couple for the neighbors. Shoot - I'm going to get an extra one for me. I can't remember if I packed my old one...

Tags:

Ulu
Native Alaskan Tools

Neighbors & Cohorts

I talk to my old snoop-buddy neighbor back in Anchorage almost every weekend when my T-Mobile minutes are free. We talk about her new neighbors - the ones who have my old house (she hates them), the old neighbors (she never did like but one of them), and my new neighbors.

I've been so lucky. I have nice neighbors here. I think I told y'all about Doug and Linda, who live right next door to my left. They are an older-than-me (50/60-ish) couple. She is hilarious & reminds me of the women from the south. She can talk about someone under her breath while they are standing 3 feet away, cracking me up while she never makes a face. He is a Suns fan, but I dig him anyway. When some strange company van showed up the other day and two guys started digging up my yard "to lay cable," I went & got Doug to come and find out what the deal really was. Not because I am a helpless female or thought the guys were lying to me, but because I wanted them to know that I am close enough to my neighbors that should they try anything, someone would be watching. Doug was great. He ascertained that the guys were legit (he knew of the company they represented), and he made sure they planned to put my yard back right when they were finished with their work. They did. I think they even added a couple of plants!

This morning, I got a call from the moving company that's bringing my stuff in from Anchorage. So happens I'm home alone. Everyone else is at church. I stayed home in case the movers did show up today. When they called to say they were just several miles out, I realized I was going to be parading around the house alone directing them on where to place boxes. Normally, I'd feel safe enough, but Doug and Linda are out of town & I'm keeping an eye out on their empty house. Hmmm... Now might be a good time to meet my other neighbors. The lady across the street (who came and introduced herself one day & told my sister about the drama of her life as wife of a man with several outside-the-marriage children...) was not home. Maybe she and her hubby are on one of his parental visits? So... I went to the neighbor on the other side of Doug and Linda's. I've seen and waved to this man - older gentleman with Memorial Day flags flying everywhere. He walks around the yard, tanned and shirtless, so I admire his toughness already. I tiptoe through an immaculate yard with some of the most beautiful plants and shrubbery I've ever seen. More American flags on the door columns, and a doormat with a Marine's logo. The doorbell plays a few strains of the "National Anthem." Yeah. This guy is all right with me. I'm from a family of military men. Any soldier, sailor, airmen or marine is up one in my book from the get-go.

Russ answered the door & when I introduced myself, I got the story of his retirement from the Marines, how he and his wife spend their days, and a bio of at least five other neighbors. Cool dude. He assured me that he would wander down and keep an eye out for me with all those male movers going in and out of my house. He already knew I was from Anchorage because he'd met my brother when Joe was fixing up the house for me to move in. Russ is a man, remember, and Joe drives a really cool car. Men and cars. I'm talking to Russ in a tank top and shorts - half-naked by Alaska standards - but I bet he remembers more about the features on Joe's car than he does about the clothes I was wearing. Men. Cars.

Anyway. I have nice neighbors. I'm thinking I should have my niece send me a couple of Ulus - which are Native Alaskan knives, used for everything from skinning animal hides to food prep. I want to gift them to my neighbors because I realize I could've ended up with mean, spiteful people who never speak or acknowledge my presence. I could have ended up with neighbors who leave nasty notes in my mailbox.

Poor Liz, my old snoop-buddy... I bet she won't be sending any gift baskets across the road to the "Poops." This is what she nicknamed the neighbors after the Episode of the Nasty Note. I can't wait until she can visit me here. After we hit Olive Garden and Ulta Cosmetics to pick up some lotion and sunscreen, I'm going to take her over to meet Doug, Linda, and Russ. Maybe we can all have a little backyard bbq? Maybe I can talk her into moving here. There's a cute little house for sale just about eight doors down from me...

Peace
--Free

Words:
"Good neighbors share more than property lines!"

Web:
I don't know. I told y'all I been slacking off.

Music:

The State Farm song keeps running through my head and blocking any other coherent thoughts, but maybe that Gladys Knight/Elton John/Dionne Warwick song about friends???

Tags:

Neighbors
Moving
Memorial Day

The Happenings

I've really been slacking on the blog thing. Matter of fact, I've been slacking on a lot of things. I really must learned to be more disciplined.

I think it's the creative child in me that makes me keep a hundred different things going on at once. I start on too many things & get all frustrated when I can't keep up with it all. Why do I do this to myself?

I have a list of topics I want to cover in the blog over the next few weeks, but everytime I glance over the list, I can't pick any subject I want to tackle at the moment. So I end up rambling. Like now.

I promised myself I was going to make time EVERY DAY to work on the novel, but I'm so disappointed in not hearing back from the agent on the first book yet that I get blocked. At first, I'd set the goal of getting up at 5 a.m. to work on the book. That would give me a couple of hours to write & still have a minute to relax before getting ready to be to work by 10. (I got up right on time for the first 3 days, wrote absolutely nothing worth the ink I used, and was ragged out tired by the time I got to work.) My next plan was to devote a couple of hours to my writing after work... Yeah. Right. I'd come in & feel too brain dead from learning about contracts, buyers, sellers, commissions, etc... Not to mention that I'd be so hot that all I wanted was to get a shower (and think about how this salty assed water is drying out my skin) and vegetate on the back porch.

My latest plan for keeping up with my writing is to devote at least half the weekend to it. This being the first weekend, I've already blown that one. My nephew (the airman) has come for a visit, my younger nieces/nephews are all having end-of-the-year parties that I have to make appearances at, and my household goods from Alaska are scheduled to be delivered either this or tomorrow morning.

I guess I don't have to tell you that I haven't gotten very much done on the novel this weekend.

Then there's this blog. At least I'm getting something done here - if nothing else but to bitch about everything else!

Last of all, I think I must be a part-time idiot. Remember how I was feeling exhausted? I thought it was just stress, etc... Yeah. It's probably some of that, but it doesn't help that I haven't been taking my iron pills. The same iron pills that are sitting in the medicine cabinet right next to the face cream I use every morning. I should know better. I've been anemic all my life. All I have to do to build up at least some energy is take my pills a few times a day. (Maybe I was subconsciously sabotaging myself?...)

Anyway - I am trying to get disciplined & on top of a few things:

1 - get this book DONE
2 - get the synopsis for the book DONE
3 - get my blog back on track (and coherent)/get back up to date with the blogs I read (I have to see what the heck y'all been up to!)
4 - get Book III started
5 - finish putting up the pictures and knick-knacks still sitting around the house
6 - find some way to spend more time with the nieces/nephews
7 - start finding somewhere other than WalMart to spend my out-of-the-house time
8 - find TW in Midland
9 - go get fitted for that damn bra before the office ladies run me nuts. (I think they are maybe just a lit-tle bit jealous of my natural hoo-hahs...)

Maybe I should pare the list down a little? Or is that just another form of procrastination? We'll see. I've got my list & I'm going to work on forcing myself to deal with all this stuff. But first, I'm going to go take my iron pill.

Peace
--Free

Words:
"Every action requires action. Action requires motivation. Motivation is all in the attitude." (Free/2006)

Web:
Culture and history resources
(esp. see the links under "People" & "Arts&Entertainment"
which is where I found "Writers" and other notables of interest)

Music:
"You & I"
Earth, Wind & Fire

Tags:

self-discipline
love
procrastination
writing
writer's block

Life and Stuff

I celebrated Mother's Day in my own true fashion. Had a great limo ride to the mall with gift certificates for all 12 of us attending. We had a contest: whoever used their certificate to buy the best gift would win another certificate & we only had an hour & a half to shop. The winner would be voted on by us. Sounds all right. It was. I paired up with a fun chick named Michelle (looks like a really cute Britney Spears - if Brit were cute) and we put our certificates together came up with the theme of "Ebony & Ivory" for our gifts. We hit Bath & Body, Victoria's Secret, and Hallmark. We got candles with either black or white in the name or in color (White Pepper & Black Currant candles, white & black thongs, white gift bag with black tissue paper wrap... get it?). We coulda been contenders... We finished early, hit a bar for refreshments, and - that's where we got in trouble.

Michelle is a fun chick. Remember that I told you that, okay? She decides that the wine we had before we left my brother's house & the champagne we had in the ride to the mall were not good enough. Not fun-chick enough. So. Saki Bombers.

I'd never heard of a Saki Bomber & I think I'd only had saki once before in my life (with a LOT of rice and other healthy food already coating my stomach). Michelle - being a fun chick - and me -being stupid, decide to do the Bombers. You fill a tumbler half up with really cold beer, fill a saki cup with really warm saki, and Bombs away! Yeah.

I had four of those before the rest of the women caught up with us and it was time to get back to the rest of our ride. We went to a place called The Cheesecake Factory. I have no idea if they serve cheesecake or if there is indeed a factory around. I walked in feeling fine, joking with the driver (whose name was Jimmy Hendrix, I kid you not) and sneaking out once or twice with another girlfriend for a smoke. I made it for about twenty minutes and went from stone cold sober to completely drunk. I mean, the kind of drunk where I only remember the first few minutes of being drunk.

I woke up at 1:26 in the morning with no idea how I'd gotten home, out of my clothes and in bed. Went to the kitchen for some ginger ale (which sounded like a great idea after I'd almost made myself gag brushing my teeth), got one sip of the ale down & was drunk all over again. I mean, drunk as in having to crawl back to the bedroom.

I woke up at 3-something. Apparently, I'd made it to the foot of the bed & fell asleep propped against the footboard. Felt a little better (just a very little) and made it to the kitchen again. This time, I made some coffee (which sounded like a good idea at the moment), but as soon as I smelled it brewing, I knew it wasn't the best idea. Okay.

Ice chips. Always good, right? Don't they give this to hospital patients? I got me a cup of ice chips and headed to the back porch to sit and have a smoke.

Not good. Apparently (and I remembered this right after I'd had a few ice chips) water only brings a drunk back to drunk.

I crawled (and I do mean, I got on my hands and knees and CRAWLED) off the porch, through the sliding door and into the house. I think I walked some of the way to the bedroom. Made it to the bed this time, and lay there feeling sick as R. Kelly until I must have dozed off.

6 a.m. or so, my sister (who slept through my stumbling/crawling, coffee-making, ice-chip gathering escapades) comes in to sit on my bed.

"How're you feeling?"

I give her the run-down of my escapades. She tells me that my brother had gone to get me and bring me home. He apparently was having a great laugh at my drunkeness & saying how much fun he would have with me at work TUESDAY (since I wasn't looking like a Monday kind of gal at that point)...

"At least you had a good time."

(Was she not paying attention? Well, okay - I DID have a mostly good time.)

Then:

"I have bad news."

Fuck.

At this point, I figured I'd had about all the bad news I could take. A look back: My friend's son was killed in a motorcycle accident. My Uncle's wife passed. My cousin's boyfriend passed. And now...

"You Auntie Nita was killed by a drunk driver on her way to work."

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

I made phone calls to my Texas and Arkansas family find out about arrangements (for both Uncle's wife & my Auntie Nita). I took a shower, did laundry, laid out something for work for the week. I sat on the porch and smoked way too many cigarettes. I took phone calls from my fellow contestants & put up with the jokes and cracks about being a "lightweight." I filled the birdfeeder & freshened the birdbath. I watered my trees. Smoked some more. Managed to drink O.J. that my older brother brought over for me. I took a nap.

At around 4 o'clock or so, I managed to eat part of an Arby's Market Fresh Turkey sandwhich with some warm boullion. At around five, I called my brothers and told them that I decided I wasn't going to go to either funeral. They & my sister are all talking now about who will be going to represent us.

I almost feel like getting drunk again, but I'm the kind of person - I can't drink at will. That's probably why I'm not an alcoholic. If I were able to just drink to get drunk, I'd do it now while I try to figure out why the drunk driver who killed Nita was driving in the first place. Why couldn't he have called himself a taxi, a friend, or a brother to come and pick him up? I wonder why my uncle's wife was alone when she had her heart attack? Where were her kids? Her friends? My uncle?

I'm such a selfish bitch. This is one of those times when I can't be superchick & I wish I had TW or some man to rescue me from being overwhelmed by life and stuff.

But.

I'm out of excuses & time & putting it off anymore. I have to start my job & I'm kind of glad that I won't have time to think so much.

Peace everybody.

--Free

Mother

I miss my mother SO much right now. Tomorrow being Mother's Day & with all these changes happening in my life, I hear Mama's voice in my head all the time, telling me how to deal with everything:

- On handling the TW thing-

"Girl, gone on ahead and call that boy and get it over with. You 'bout to make me nervous with all this silliness!"

"If you don't call him, I will."

-On my housekeeping-

"Don't forget to put a little bleach in that dishwater."

"If you fold your sheets in half, it don't take as long to iron them."

-On work-

"When you're at work, leave your life at home. When you get home, leave your work at the office. Don't nobody at work want to hear about your man, and nobody at home wants to hear about your boss."

-On taking a chance-

"It's all right to be afraid to do something new. Do it it you want, don't if you don't. As long as you never have to say you WISH you hadda done it."

Wow. Mama's still right here with me.
Happy Mother's Day, Tootsie!

--Free


Tags: Memories, Mothers, Mother's Day

What You Can Tell

My mother had a thing about people's shoes. She'd say that you could tell a lot about a person by their shoes. It didn't matter whether the shoes were expensive or cheap, leather or plastic. Mama said that if a person cared about their appearance, they made sure their shoes were clean. I guess it didn't matter about scuff marks, etcetera - long as they weren't dusty or muddy. (Mama also said that if a person were careful to wipe their feet or take their shoes off when entering someone's home, that told what they thought about other people.)

I'm not just spitting in the wind with this one, you guys. I have a real point. I was thinking about what you can tell about people from different things & I got to thinking about our "Wish Lists." I started one a while back with Froogle & I was playing around with it a while ago and did some updating. When I looked back over my list, I wondered what someone looking at my list would think about me. Now, I'm curious about other people's lists. There are plenty of things that I would put on a REAL list, but here are some of my general grooves:

1. Anything by or about Huey Newton and the BPP. I've always had a curiosity about this.
2. Anything to do with something that smells good. My latest favorites are the scents of Tuberose and chocolate. (I have got to buy me some of that perfume that has the chocolate in it!!!)
3. Anything to do with soothing looks or sounds. I love those recordings of nature sounds - esp the ocean. Maybe we Cancerians are into that because of our crab natures...

Now - I'm dying to hear back from all of you guys on what would be on your wishlists. Keep in mind - money is no object & you don't have to be completely realistic. I just want to hear what you'd love to have. I know that somebody is going to have the name of a person on their list! (I have a couple of names in mind myself, but decided to stick to possibles!)

Peace
--Free

Thoughts:
Tomorrow I go to work, so this old bumper sticker came to mind --
"I owe, I owe, so off to work I go."
Pretty appropriate with the way I've been spending money!

Music:
Yesterday was my late father's birthday. I've got the Temptations "My Girl" on my mind since it's one of the songs Daddy used to sing to me.

Web:
Haven't gotten completely back into my net surf groove yet, but I plan to get back to and really work on my Frappr page...

Words:
"God invented birds to sing backup for nature." (Free 5/2006)

Family Photos

All right - finally kinda figured out this uploading of photos...
The top left is of me and my sibs at the family party(Christmas in AZ 2005) & that's me on the left end in the white top and (do NOT talk about me) the blue houseshoes. (Don't ask why I did that... but I WILL say that I had been drinking alcohol & I'm pretty sure I was sort of drunk!)

The bottom photo is of two of my bros - the handsome devils! We were in San Diego for New Year's & I LOVE the sign above their heads. (I have a secret: I love hanging with my big bros cause I feel so safe around them big dudes :-)

I'll have new pics up soon as I get them done.

Special note to my kid Abeni - how you digging your Arizona "Ma" :-)



peace
--Free


Words: A shout to my family: "You are everything & everything is you."

Song: "We Are Family" - Sister Sledge

Web: southern_aa_Genealogy-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Arizona, Chocolate and Heat

Just this minute got my internet up and running.

It's been such a crazy transition that I spent three hours this morning thinking over what my "new" life here feels like. Since I'm tired, I'll just give a little freestyle rundown & save my usual wordiness for another session. Please forgive the bad writing. I'm so tired that if I weren't so happy about being "connected" again, I wouldn't be writing at all.

Take these thoughts into your hearts and be happy for me.

The heat is both annoying and sensual. Makes me feel like being somewhere cooler, but also makes me feel sweet in my Blackness and makes my skin feel at home. I slink around in the whispers of the sun on my body and just know that my soul was born in a tropical place.

The men are amazing. The smile, stare, flirt and appreciate - not at the chick behind me with blonder hair, lighter skin or different colored eyes - but at me: Black, black, hot, sexy, got-my-hair pulled up, no make-up on, mouth sticky with dark chocolate that I've started "feening" for; skin feeling smoky and smelling like Tuberose oil...

My family is together. I can call them one moment & be with them ten minutes later. We can have lunch and parties and tease each other like when we were kids not separated by life-distance-issues.

My house is more home every moment. I've made friends with the backyard birds, the frontyard neighbors, and I wave to my mailman. I sit on the porch and have thoughts that only writers are able to have when they are in a place that is made for writers.

I am miles from the place that was so "home" to me for so long. I miss it, but I know that the time for being at home in the Land of the Midnight Sun has passed & I am feeling good-anxious-lost/found-renewed and glorious in this new land. The sun has a different attitude here. I have a different attitude. I want to learn how to swim.

peace

--Free

Intro to Hell

Got here on Sunday. I'm loving:

1. The sites
2. The people
3. Just being around my family

Trying to get used to:

1. The heat (was 95 the other day)
2. The streets (only been lost once)
3. Sales tax (didn't have those in Anchorage)

The first couple of days, my feeling about the heat was that if God ever decided to send me to Hell, He'd have to invent new heat. Being here when it hit 95 degrees made me feel like I was in Hell 101. After that, I actually stopped sweating like a roasted hog. (It was pretty funny the day that I was all cute in my new shorts, reached up to wipe my forehead & my hand came away white... Sunscreen!)
The new house is ADOR-A-BLE. Small, cozy and the neighbors are great. Met Doug and Linda and was immediately reprimanded for calling them "Mister and Missus." They are just plain Doug and Linda.
Have been busy, busy. Had to do quite a bit of quickie shopping (not including the shorts I bought at Wal-Mart and changed into in the front seat of the car because I couldn't take the jeans and t-shirt I was wearing).
My niece is planning a housewarming. I already picked out the colors for my room and bath: chocolate & camel with deep green accents for the bath; reds, oranges, browns and golds for the bedroom.
I will attempt to post some pics next time, so you can "meet" me and the family. In the meantime, I am back on line sporadically.
Peace.
--Free

On a jet plane

Finally.

**Cue angelic choir in chorus of "Hallelujah!"**

The house thing is over & I am not yet an alcoholic. I did overdose on some chocolate the other day!

I am leaving Anchorage Sat night/Sun morn. I would like to feel a little more sad, but at this point, the crazy weather in this beautiful place has helped me come down with a cold. We've gone from 17 degrees to 31 degrees. Day before yesterday, it actually snowed. Just a little bit, but still...

I have been keeping up with my writing. I have no idea how I've managed to do that, but, I have about 17 scenes to type up when I get back to my PC... And my PC (I call her "Della - cause she's a Dell!) was shipped out yesterday. The guy at the packaging store laughed (but just a little) when I brought her in all wrapped in a blanket. He quit laughing when I told him I'd be willing to seriously hurt anyone responsible for damage to my baby! I gave him my Ice Cube look from "Are We There Yet?"

Belle (my new doggie) has gotten sick & won't be able to travel with me. My niece is panicked about her little pooch being unwell & I'm just hoping that she will really send her own to me when Belle is better. (The last family dog died of cancer, so my niece is really concerned & anxious for the vet to tell her what's up.)

As far as the Young-Love-I-Left in Texas: I made a decision. Since I found out that he has a live-in-love, I'm going to get settled, call him, see what's what & then MAYBE go on there for a visit. I kept out the old pics that I found of him/us & I couldn't quit looking at them the other night. I wonder if I'm just itching to see him because of the stress and uncertainty that comes with this move I'm making? I don't know, folks. I don't know.

How are all of you guys doing? I'm not keeping up very well with my blog-reading, so I'm going to have a BUNCH of catching up to do when I get to AZ. Meantime, all of you please be well, be happy &

Peace

--Free

Watched "Roll Bounce" so my song is "Get Off" by Foxy

The Move Update #...I forget

Okay - everything has smoothed out a little with the move. Just to let those of you who may have to go through this at some time in your life, here's what happened to us:

The buyers were using money from their 401K. The check came from out of state. Their lender put a hold on the check - 7 days...

That's not bad enough.

When the 7 day hold was up, the buyers' lender told them that because they didn't close on the appointed date, they now had to RE-VERIFY all their previous info - paystubs and other financial info. When the buyers pointed out that this had been done already (and besides, it wasn't their fault the check was held for 7 days), the lender just insisted that it's the way things are done.

Meanwhile, WE are living with family, suitcase-diving and carrying things around (since our car is already shipped off). AND the buyers are living in a hotel because they gave notice on their apartment.

Things that make you go.... Damnit!

ANYway... Thanks to everyone for the encouraging words & the condolences on our friend Marie. Something that people outside of cold-weather states probably never think about: Marie can't be buried until summer when the ground has thawed enough. So her family will go back to Fairbanks for that ceremony. (My mother was cremated, so we didn't have to deal with that. I imagine it would be a little bit like mourning twice. Or maybe it's just final closure.)

Okay, my friends, I will check in with you later. I have to tell you all about whether or not I actually go to see the old first-love boyfriend... I've got a couple more days to decide.

--Free

Transition Update

Lord have mercy, I have a complicated life!

I'm packed, out of my house, living with family & ready to leave town and....


There's a slight hold-up. Stuck here for a few more days than I plannned.


Dang it.


BUT - there is good news: while I'm held up, I had a beautiful thing happen. My niece has two pit bulls. Belle & Beast. I've always been a little timid around dogs, and ever since a pit chewed through a door to try having me for a noon-time snack... Well, let's just say, I was terrified of pit bulls. Until. My niece once had a pit named Bonnie. Sweetest & most lovable animal I ever saw. For some reason, she was very protective of me, so I fell in love with her. Bonnie died a couple of years ago. My niece then got a brother and sister (Beast & Belle). I'm not crazy about Beast - I don't know why - but Belle reminds me of Bonnie. The dog has always been a sweetie pie.


I was feeling a little down when I found out I was going to be stuck here in limbo for a while longer & while I was commiserating with my niece & nephew, Belle came over and tried to comfort me. I mentioned to my niece that it would be nice to have such a sweet but protective dog when I get to Arizona. Because my niece is worried about me transitioning to a new environment, she said she'd feel better if I had a good guard dog. But I'm not good with most guard type dogs & I suck at training and bonding with animals. While we were talking, Belle was watching us and we all looked at each other and had a "aha" moment.


Belle is 2 years old, trained, and she loves me already, so..


Belle is going to Arizona with me & my sis. I have a guard dog, a friend, and a part of my Alaska memories all wrapped up in one. I'm SO happy. Belle and I have been bonding a lot the past few days. She's going to miss her brother & I know she's going to have to adjust to being away from my niece, but I think it's going to be good for all of us. (You have to understand how much my niece loves this dog to know how much she has to love me to give Belle to me.)


I think that God works not only in mysterious ways, but in wonderful ones too. I was all upset about having my move schedule thrown off & here I get the best gift in the world out of it. Happy, happy, happy!


At any rate, I have internet access most of the time, so maybe I'll get to tell about being attacked by a dog named Jake. Meanwhile, I have to go make some calls to the vet and pet store. I'm getting geared up to spoil my new dog!


Peace,
--Free


P.S.: No words or music for now. I have my recently deceased friend, Marie, on my mind. I've been watching her family deal with the process of funeral-planning & it's just complicated. Matter of fact, if I were to have any words today, it would be that death and funerals bring out the best and worst in people. I thank God that, with Marie's family, I'm seeing more of the best & just a little bit of the worst.

By the time I get to Phoenix

Okay - maybe not to Phoenix, but close enough.

I was going to try to keep posting from the road, but I've decided to use my temporary homelessness to get closer to finishing Book Two of my trilogy. However, I was so pleased that some of you enjoy the writing tips I sometimes toss out there that I've decided to have a post ready when I get back online. The subject is one that I promise my fellow writers will really appreciate.

That's all I'm going to say about it for now.

I hope to be back up within the next two weeks. Right now, my phone service is off & I'm using a cell phone for everything. I have my suitcases ready to move over to my niece's house & I feel so disconnected from everything.

I'll be thinking about all of you while I'm not able to check in.

Take care & peace.

--Free

And Now, Arizona

Since I did a tribute to Alaska, I thought it might be nice to take note of what I'm going to look forward to when I get to Arizona. Here's a little impromtu Top Ten that will show you just how much television I've been watching lately:

10 -- Shipping and handling will be as advertised when I want to order that useless crap they like to peddle on late-night infomercials. No more reading the fine print to discover that it costs and extra 5 or 10 bucks for us Alaskans.

9 -- When I see a commercial for Red Lobster or Olive Garden, I'll actually be able to satisy my ad-induced cravings. We dont have those eateries here so I'm not sure why the commercials play every 30 minutes on local stations...

8 --I'll be able to scrape together money for plane tickets to visit all my family living in the rest of the Lower 48.

7 -- When I get ready to buy that laptop I've been wanting, I can take advantage of the free (ground) shipping Dell brags about.

6 -- If so inclined, I might be able to get my hair braided for less than the 250 to 300 bucks people up here like to charge. And lord knows I'm gonna be happy to go to a store other than WalMart to find hair care and cosmetics in a more varied range.

5 -- My Oil of Olay Regnerist (what I like to call my Miracle of the Moisturizers) costs 15 bucks and change at Targets instead of the dang-near twenty bucks (for 1.7 oz) I have to pay here. And that's at WalMart, people! I know about the Target price because I checked when I visited this past holiday.

4 --The next time my 4-wheel drive decides to take a little winter-time nap, I won't be calling Road Reports just to see if it's safe to drive around certain parts of town without sliding into someone.

3 -- All those writer's conferences and concerts and other such events I'm always hearing about? I might actually be able to make it to some of them. Yay.

2 --When I finally get up the courage (and this is gonna be a whole other post one day), I'll be able to cruise on over to Texas to check up on an old crush.

And --- somebody take care of the drumroll, please...

1-- When I get ticked aboutt poor customer service & threaten to boycott a supermarket, department store or some other place vital to my consumer needs, I'll be able to follow through. (Kinda hard to pull that mess in a place where there are limited shopping alternatives. The customer service personnel know this & usually just snicker at the threat.)

So -- yeah, I'm coming to you, AZ.

Words:
"I prefer being paid to tell stories over being despised for lying."
(Free 4/2006)

Tags: Top 10, Alaska, Quotes, Culture

Last Email Funny. I Promise.

Okay - I promise not to make it a habit, but this has got to be the FUNNIEST thing I ever got in my email. If anybody knows who wrote it, please let me know so I can give credit. (After I laughed my butt off the first time I read this, I KEPT laughing all day every single time I thought about it. I was walking around Costco, getting tickled at inappropriate moments & had other customers about to report me to security. The story/joke reminds me of one about Alaska.)

(This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.)

Dear Diary: For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root canal or a vasectomy.

tags: Jokes Humor Laugh

Rude & Crude (but funny as heck!)

I got this in an email this morning. I don't usually read these types of mails - the first few lines make me want to tap the Delete key. For some reason, I read this one & I'm sorry, but all the "lady" went right out of me & I laughed my butt off. (I have no idea where it came from, so I hope I'm not stepping on toes here.)

Sometimes...
when you cry...
NO ONE sees your TEARS.

Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
NO ONE sees your HURT.

Sometimes...
when you are worried...
NO ONE sees your STRESS.

Sometimes...when you are happy...
NO ONE sees your SMILE.

*
*
*
*
*
But FART!!
just ONE time...

Don't front. You know you're laughing with me.

Jokes Humor

Sexiest Man List

I have to do this list, people. My niece and I have a big argument about once every six months about Brad Pitt. She thinks he is THE sexiest man alive. I don't get it. Never have. Maybe he's one of those people with a vibe you pick up on if you meet him in person. My niece had never met this man. She wears glasses, so maybe she's just needing a new pair (for the last 5 years!).

Anyway, she (my niece) and I have decided that the reason I don't find Brad Pitt sexy is because of a generational thing. I'm older, so I'm not feeling the whole Usher, Jay-Z, and most anybody with all that grill/gold crap in their mouths. Maybe.

So, back at my niece, here's my list of Sexiest Men (in no particular order):

1. Denzel. Of course. He's got that natural & easy kind of charisma. I hope I never meet him because I would probably embarass myself badly. Let that man flash that smile at me & watch the knees buckle... Down she goes. And I like the family-man thing he's got going (with a wife who is like a "real" person & not some plastic, Barbie-doll imitation of womanhood. Lucky, lucky her.)
2. Keanu Reeves. I don't know. Just something about a man who doesn't seem to pretend about anything. I like the look: handsome & flawed-not-airbrushed. He's got those wonderful eyes and a great smile. He doesn't seem fake & he doesn't seem to be trying to live up to or fit into all that celebrity b.s.
   
3. Will Smith. I don't know. He's got the silly, sexy, playful mix going on. And another family man (although I heard a disturbing rumor about a belief in "open" marriage...? That would ruin some of the fantasy for me, but...)
4. Puffy. Or Diddy. Or Daddy. What is he calling himself these days? ANYway. I like that combination of bad boy/smart. Let this man get a little bit older and settle down some - that's going to be hot.
5. Maurice White. Y'all know how I feel about Earth, Wind & Fire. I have loved Brother White since I was 14 or 15 years old. Broke my heart that I never got to see E,W & F in concert. Maurice has the wiseman vibe about him. He's so calm and proud of his Blackness. It's probably a good thing I never made it to a concert when I was so young. I might have done something undignified, like throw my draws up on the stage! But now that I'm older and calmer - I could love Maurice right. Black love, y'all. I'm on a roll.
6. Tyler Perry. Who doesn't love a writer? Plus, he's tall. That's just interesting to me.
7. Prince. Why? Have you heard this man sing "Adore?" Good mercy. Anybody that comes up with lyrics like that... I always did like his music, but he got even sexier to me when I heard him do Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me."
   
8. Steve Harvey. I LOVE this man. First of all, he cracks me up. Second, he kind of "country," like me. I just know he's a good time.
   
9. Babyface. He's really sexy, but he's too manicured for me to want to hang out with. I don't mind dolling up for a night out, but day-to-day, I'm a blue jeans, sandals, t-shirt gal. I don't do makeup and hair gel, so I probably would always feel way under-dressed around 'Face.
10. My former brother-in-law. Yeah, I was the kid sister, trailing around like a love-sick puppy whenever my sister's boyfriend came around. I was just a kid, but I just knew I was in love. It cracked my sister up to see me swooning whenever David came around. My sister is 10 years older than me (so is David), and by the time I was 12, I just knew that she'd stolen the man who was meant for me. When they got married, I was the flower girl. David kissed me on the cheek at the reception & I was in a mental time warp for the rest of the day. To this day, David is like family. Last time I talked to him, he called me "sweet pea." Ladies - there's nothing sexier than a man with a southern drawl calling you "sweet pea." Trust me.
    

So that's my list. I'm dying to hear back from the rest of you. Who's your "Sexiest?" (Supa, you KNOW I want your list! But you can't include the D.A. from your court days...) Maybe next time I'll have to do my "Un-sexiest" list. You know Brad Pitt's going to be at the top of that one.

--Free

Word & Music - all together tonight:
"I will love you anyway/even if you cannot stay..."
(Rufus - "Sweet Thing")

Tags:

Relationships
Sexiest
Men
Top 10

Jitters

Now that most of the stuff is gone out of my house, I'm beginning to get an attack of the last-minute nerves... It looks so empty in here.

11 days til closing.

Instead of focusing on all the stuff I need to be getting done, I spend a lot of time having flashbacks on the times I've had in this house...

I remember the Christmas mornings (when Mom was here) where ALL the brothers, sister, nieces, nephews, adopted family - everybody, sometimes over 30 of us - were here to open gifts, cook, laugh, argue, and just have a blast. Thanksgivings, Easters, birthdays, graduations, new baby home-comings were all pretty much the same way. Those were the only times none of us minded cleaning up a kitchen after feeding 2 armies of people. (You know your life is blessed when you can have fun scrubbing pots with your folks!)

I remember laughing til I almost peed myself when a friend of ours slid under the car in the winter. Me and my sister & a couple of friends were heading out to lunch somewhere. This one friend, who is short anyway, went around to the driver's side, the rest us turned our heads for a second, and -BLOOP!- Hazel was gone. Just like that. We were all thinking of "Twilight Zone" excuses until we heard her laughing. She had slipped and slid right underneath the car - girl was like a mechanic on one of those roll-under things!

Good times.

And sad times, too.

The last time I saw my mother before she went into the hospital for the final time, she was sitting in her chair over by the fireplace. I worked a night-shift then. My sister was staying home with mom. I came in from work at about 7:30 that morning & when I came up the stairs, Mom was sitting in her chair, watching CNN or something. She looked over and said, "Hi, baby. You look really tired this morning." I was tired. I went straight to bed without giving her a kiss. When I got up later, she had gone to bed to rest because she was feeling "a little bad." When I got to work that night, I remember how thrilled I was that my class had been cancelled. I planned to spend the time catching up on desk work. A co-worker came by to chat & we were sitting there, griping about the long hours we worked when my phone rang. It was my niece. I needed to get to the hospital now. My friend locked up the building for me & I RACED to the hospital. I remember how kind other drivers were to move out the way when they heard my horn & saw my flashers. Mama never woke up.

Good time. Sad times. All in this house.

--Free

Words:
"My Father promised me salvation, not a life without troubles." (Free 3/2006)

Memories