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Life could be so much simpler than it is. Mankind seems to thrive on complicating things and creating chaos.
That's the thought that came to me while I was having to scurry to take care of some crucial business this morning. In a better world, I would have gotten up feeling rested and read my morning Bible verse with a prayer before getting on with my day. Instead, I woke up feeling overwhelmed and rushed.
We live in a world where everything is truly a race to be won. I think of it as "living ourselves to death."
You take something as simple as clothing. Clothing is there to cover our nakedness. Simple, except we don't see it that way. We've made an industry of it. You can't just cover yourself, you have to wear certain colors and textures to suit the occasion. Instead of all clothing being decent and acceptable overall, we've made it almost socially mandatory to wear certain things for certain occasions.
We can't just have transportation. We have to have a certain type of car or truck, in a certain color (which changes from year to year like some kind of "fashion statement.") Even if you have a certain model, you might have the less desirable style... Really? Isn't the whole point of transportation is safely getting from one place to another? Why should it matter so much what kind of status or fashion statement we are making? It's so silly.
We humans are such strange creatures. We can't have anything without trying to up the ante. We can't just have soap to be clean, healthy and less offensive. Couldn't stop there. Nope. We have to add other smells and additives. We don't want bodies that are simply clean. We have to have skin that feels one way or another. And in the end it's still just skin. With all the smells that add to lotions and soaps these days, I don't remember what a real piece of fruit or spice actually smells like if I haven't had it for a while. My nose is confused! LOL
Hair is just hair if you have it. It covers the head. I don't know how we got to the point where we will sew it into our scalps, weave it onto what we already have, spend thousands of dollars and so much time into beating it into our will.
We have to make an industry out of everything.
I know that we need some of the things we have made. We want to be comfortable and clean and healthy, but we just have to take everything from the simple to the extreme to the silly.
We take everything & put man-made standards on it to complicate it, put out of reach of some or make it into a status symbol. We don't know how to be content and comfortable for long before we start dreaming up ways to give ourselves something else to worry about.
And the result of all of it? We create stress for ourselves. We create self-esteem issues. If you are too poor to keep up with certain "standards," or born with the odd color of skin or hair or body type, you end up in counseling and therapy.
The saddest thing is that we have forgotten how to put the brakes on. We get so caught up and carried away by the stream of social movement that we don't stop and wonder why. All the time and money and effort we waste on the silliest things would be better used in our being courteous to fellow human beings and good stewards of what we have.
We have forgotten to use our hearts as much as we have learned to use our heads.
We could just be simply living, but we invent ways to keep busy with being complicated. It's such a cycle of "enough is not enough."
A big effect of all this is that we adjust ourselves to the messes we make. For instance, instead of having people who are brutal, jerks, rude or dangerous meet a more decent standard, we just accept it and try to learn to protect ourselves from them. (And if you think people can't learn to be decent, just think of how easily they have learned to be the way they are. It's all in what is accepted and tolerated.)
We reward the wrong things. We reward the greedy and ruthless by calling them "ambitious" and "go-getters." We've stopped rewarding honest hard work because we'd rather reward anything that makes the most money.
We think of ourselves as being "modern," "progressive," and "forward thinking." We talk of looking to the future and "the next big thing." What we have forgotten is the simple pleasures in personal joy and contentment. I'm pretty sure that "contentment" is not a word that we want to think about if we have to give up "ambition."
Peace
--Free
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Sunday, September 04, 2011
Unanswered Prayers
Now that I am older, I tend to do a lot of reflecting on my life. I think back on things I've done or not done and can see now the results I live with. There are good things and bad things, but what I notice most are the results of unanswered prayers.
When I was young, I, like so many, hoped for shallow things: more money, better looks and popularity. I wanted to "grow up" to be well known and well liked. I had dreams of being a famous author. Of course, I had the fantasies about the very handsome husband, the large and amazing home, fabulous clothes and cars... Those were things that almost everyone I knew wanted.
These days, even though my finances and health are both in a fragile state, I have to just thank God that He didn't answer my greedy prayers! I don't know where I would be spiritually if I'd gotten all that I wanted. I don't think I would have grown in my faith and I'm pretty sure I would not be as thankful for what I do have.
When I look at people who did get what they wished for, I imagine that that's only a good life for the young who will live to make it out. But not all the young ones who do live that life make it out.
Had my prayers been answered, I might have had the material things while missing out on the grace of the Lord. So, when I reflect on what could have been, I have to think of Psalms 139, especially verses 13 through16. He has known me and is with me through it all.
Those things I longed for and didn't get are just reminders of eternity. I would not trade my salvation for any of the comforts or luxury this world has to offer, though that's tempting sometimes. I have to remind myself that this world is not my home. I don't want to get too comfortable because my time here isn't promised from breath to breath. While I am here, I am praying for my family and friends - for everyone - to accept the Lord and hold out until we do get Home.
Peace
--Free
When I was young, I, like so many, hoped for shallow things: more money, better looks and popularity. I wanted to "grow up" to be well known and well liked. I had dreams of being a famous author. Of course, I had the fantasies about the very handsome husband, the large and amazing home, fabulous clothes and cars... Those were things that almost everyone I knew wanted.
These days, even though my finances and health are both in a fragile state, I have to just thank God that He didn't answer my greedy prayers! I don't know where I would be spiritually if I'd gotten all that I wanted. I don't think I would have grown in my faith and I'm pretty sure I would not be as thankful for what I do have.
When I look at people who did get what they wished for, I imagine that that's only a good life for the young who will live to make it out. But not all the young ones who do live that life make it out.
Had my prayers been answered, I might have had the material things while missing out on the grace of the Lord. So, when I reflect on what could have been, I have to think of Psalms 139, especially verses 13 through16. He has known me and is with me through it all.
Those things I longed for and didn't get are just reminders of eternity. I would not trade my salvation for any of the comforts or luxury this world has to offer, though that's tempting sometimes. I have to remind myself that this world is not my home. I don't want to get too comfortable because my time here isn't promised from breath to breath. While I am here, I am praying for my family and friends - for everyone - to accept the Lord and hold out until we do get Home.
Peace
--Free
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Marriage (wish I had known!)
I just threatened to write this post when I was doing the last one, so I might as well get it over with. It's not going to be a long post, but I wish I had seen something like it before I made the decision to get married.
I heard an awesome sermon on the subject recently. Basically, it was about what a wife should expect from a husband. (There is also one for what husbands should expect, but I'm a woman, so...!)
In a nutshell, a woman should expect a man to be a man. In the relationship, he should be the 3 P's: Provider, Protector and Priest. He should be her "covering" and he should take that seriously.
Pretty simple, right? Like I said, if I had ever thought of a husband in that way, I would have been so much more careful in my choices (and I would have gotten it right ONE time, not having to do it twice).
Part of my problem is that while I was a "believer" at a young age, I was not a "follower." That sounds weird, but, like a lot of people, I was a believer in words only. I was brought up "in church" so I just went along. I don't think that I was a sincere Christian until the last maybe 3 years. Unfortunately, I married inside that time. I was not praying over things in my life. I was still operating on feelings and moods.
If I had looked at my husband through the eyes of Scripture - or even looked at myself that way - there is no way I would have gotten married to him. But, again, I was making decisions based on my feelings and moods and wants.
So, for anyone out there looking to get married, you might want to remember to take it to the Lord in prayer before you make that lifetime commitment.
{NOTE: I can't remember exactly which of the sermons spoke of the husband and wife roles. I think it was this one, but, if not, feel free to listen to the others on this page until you run across it. All the sermons are excellent for Bible study and prayer.}
Peace
--Free
I heard an awesome sermon on the subject recently. Basically, it was about what a wife should expect from a husband. (There is also one for what husbands should expect, but I'm a woman, so...!)
In a nutshell, a woman should expect a man to be a man. In the relationship, he should be the 3 P's: Provider, Protector and Priest. He should be her "covering" and he should take that seriously.
Pretty simple, right? Like I said, if I had ever thought of a husband in that way, I would have been so much more careful in my choices (and I would have gotten it right ONE time, not having to do it twice).
Part of my problem is that while I was a "believer" at a young age, I was not a "follower." That sounds weird, but, like a lot of people, I was a believer in words only. I was brought up "in church" so I just went along. I don't think that I was a sincere Christian until the last maybe 3 years. Unfortunately, I married inside that time. I was not praying over things in my life. I was still operating on feelings and moods.
If I had looked at my husband through the eyes of Scripture - or even looked at myself that way - there is no way I would have gotten married to him. But, again, I was making decisions based on my feelings and moods and wants.
So, for anyone out there looking to get married, you might want to remember to take it to the Lord in prayer before you make that lifetime commitment.
{NOTE: I can't remember exactly which of the sermons spoke of the husband and wife roles. I think it was this one, but, if not, feel free to listen to the others on this page until you run across it. All the sermons are excellent for Bible study and prayer.}
Peace
--Free
Passing Storms
Ah, how interesting life has been these past months (years?)
I've been on rough roads. Beaten down, in despair, depressed, ill, hurt... But through it all, God has been good.
I went to the doctor yesterday for my first major check up after getting this nasty sarcoidosis. That went very well: good tentative prognosis (yay!) and the clearance to go back to non-strenuous work. (And, trust me, I need to be able to work after all these medical bills!) Most of all, the medicines seem to be doing their job and I should only have to be on the 20mg of prednisone for another month or two. That the bill for that appointment nearly put me into heart failure is minor since I was able to pay it - again, thanks be to God. The fact that I can go back to work is another blessing, and the fact that I might possible actually have a job to go back to is even more of a blessing! (I've already contacted my former employer, don't ya know? LOL)
All of this is like having been in the middle of a really bad storm. Right now I feel like it's still raining, but I can see a clearing up ahead. I don't know when it's going to be clear again and maybe I'm living in storm territory, but I know that God will be with me. And I have learned things from what I've been through:
I've learned to be good to people who are going through their own storms. Not just being good to them in the way I'm comfortable being good to others, or in the way that I want to be good to them, but good in ways they need. It's easy to give to people what you don't want yourself, but to give where it might hurt just a little bit is a real deed.
I've learned to be more sensitive to people when they are down. To watch what I say and how I say it. To understand that no matter how down a person is or why they are down is not as important as it is to either say something useful or shut up. LOL. I haven't always realized (until I was so much on the receiving end) how easy it is to poor even just a little bit of salt into a person's wounds. You want to really hurt someone who is already down? Go ahead and talk a lot about what you have or what you are able to do. I've done that in my life, but now that I have sometimes been on the receiving end... Oh, but we do learn the hard way, don't we? And, no, I don't think that it's done on purpose. I think it's done out of either thoughtlessness or out of fear (as in, "Wow, hope I never end up like that!"). For whatever reason it's done, it still hurts.
I've learned to be as thankful in the bad times as in the good. It's like all the sayings: "Hard times builds character," and "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
I've learned that God didn't do this to me. The Devil didn't do this to me. My actions, decisions I made in life, and genetics did this to me. Maybe if I had considered God when I was doing things and making decisions, I would have done things differently (please see a future post on marriage!) and not had as much hardship. Because I didn't always pray first over major decisions and actions, I ended up having to pray to get through the consequences.
I've learned that life can turn on a dime. You can be well, fat and content one moment and have it all crash down on you the next moment. It only takes a heartbeat.
I've learned that God does love me. When I was at my lowest, I felt like I deserved to be unloved. I felt like I was worthless. Something in me, though, would always remind me that God loves me. That's what kept me sane.
So, there may be another storm coming. There may be storms for the rest of my life, but God always sends me a reminder of sunshine. One day, we believers will bask in His light. Any storm is worth going through for that.
Peace
--Free
I've been on rough roads. Beaten down, in despair, depressed, ill, hurt... But through it all, God has been good.
I went to the doctor yesterday for my first major check up after getting this nasty sarcoidosis. That went very well: good tentative prognosis (yay!) and the clearance to go back to non-strenuous work. (And, trust me, I need to be able to work after all these medical bills!) Most of all, the medicines seem to be doing their job and I should only have to be on the 20mg of prednisone for another month or two. That the bill for that appointment nearly put me into heart failure is minor since I was able to pay it - again, thanks be to God. The fact that I can go back to work is another blessing, and the fact that I might possible actually have a job to go back to is even more of a blessing! (I've already contacted my former employer, don't ya know? LOL)
All of this is like having been in the middle of a really bad storm. Right now I feel like it's still raining, but I can see a clearing up ahead. I don't know when it's going to be clear again and maybe I'm living in storm territory, but I know that God will be with me. And I have learned things from what I've been through:
I've learned to be good to people who are going through their own storms. Not just being good to them in the way I'm comfortable being good to others, or in the way that I want to be good to them, but good in ways they need. It's easy to give to people what you don't want yourself, but to give where it might hurt just a little bit is a real deed.
I've learned to be more sensitive to people when they are down. To watch what I say and how I say it. To understand that no matter how down a person is or why they are down is not as important as it is to either say something useful or shut up. LOL. I haven't always realized (until I was so much on the receiving end) how easy it is to poor even just a little bit of salt into a person's wounds. You want to really hurt someone who is already down? Go ahead and talk a lot about what you have or what you are able to do. I've done that in my life, but now that I have sometimes been on the receiving end... Oh, but we do learn the hard way, don't we? And, no, I don't think that it's done on purpose. I think it's done out of either thoughtlessness or out of fear (as in, "Wow, hope I never end up like that!"). For whatever reason it's done, it still hurts.
I've learned to be as thankful in the bad times as in the good. It's like all the sayings: "Hard times builds character," and "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
I've learned that God didn't do this to me. The Devil didn't do this to me. My actions, decisions I made in life, and genetics did this to me. Maybe if I had considered God when I was doing things and making decisions, I would have done things differently (please see a future post on marriage!) and not had as much hardship. Because I didn't always pray first over major decisions and actions, I ended up having to pray to get through the consequences.
I've learned that life can turn on a dime. You can be well, fat and content one moment and have it all crash down on you the next moment. It only takes a heartbeat.
I've learned that God does love me. When I was at my lowest, I felt like I deserved to be unloved. I felt like I was worthless. Something in me, though, would always remind me that God loves me. That's what kept me sane.
So, there may be another storm coming. There may be storms for the rest of my life, but God always sends me a reminder of sunshine. One day, we believers will bask in His light. Any storm is worth going through for that.
Peace
--Free
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Crisis of Faith
Since I got sick, I have suffered such a crisis of faith. The feeling of being abandoned by God. The feeling of spiritual emptiness. Oddly enough, I know that some of it was caused by the medicine I had to take, and since being on a lower dosage has helped, I have proof of the side effects.
At any rate, I was really struggling to cling to my faith the past several weeks. This morning I had the energy to search the internet for examples of others going through the same thing. If you google "crisis of faith," and scan the articles and blogs, you would be amazed at what you find. Apparently, even Mother Theresa struggled (for FIFTY years!) with this. Personally, not being Catholic, I can't relate to what Mother Theresa felt, but being Christian, with my whole belief being in salvation through the blood of Jesus alone, I can relate to a sermon I found.
I can truly say that this sermon blessed me this morning: Lenten Series - The Seven Last Words My God, My God, Why Have You Forsaken Me? I feel it was just the thing I needed. Bless the author! Even if you are not having a crisis of faith, I suggest you go over and check it out because it's such a reminder of what faith is.
The first thing that struck me is that I am not alone. I'm not the only Christian to be tested. Christ himself was tested! Somehow, I had forgotten all about how the Lord cried out from the cross about being forsaken. Being fully human, Jesus was able to feel what we feel and, at that time, he felt given up on. So who am I to feel different?
The second thing that struck me is that all this time, I have been focused on the darkness of my situation - or the Good Friday - when I was ignoring the hope and glory of the light - or Easter. (The author's words are so powerful: "Those were not his last words from the cross." Amen! Jesus' last words were that it was finished.
So, here and now, I may have to go through this human pain and suffering (and it won't be easy; in fact, it may get worse), but one day, when I leave this world, I get to go Home and be with Jesus. Maybe even while I am still here, I will be happy again, but I'm not supposed to be living for this "life." It is for my life in Heaven that I am waiting for.
While I was feeling sorry for myself, I had forgotten about all the other suffering people who have it as bad or worse than me. Think of the little starving babies you see who live in famine, people born into a living hell of war or disease; people who have never eaten like I have or lived in decent shelter. I had not thought of the absolute luxuries I once enjoyed while so many millions of people suffered every day of their lives.
So, this day, I am thankful for this crisis. This struggle I am going through is going to keep me praying and holding on with both hands to my faith and hope for what eternity has in store for me.
Peace
--Free
At any rate, I was really struggling to cling to my faith the past several weeks. This morning I had the energy to search the internet for examples of others going through the same thing. If you google "crisis of faith," and scan the articles and blogs, you would be amazed at what you find. Apparently, even Mother Theresa struggled (for FIFTY years!) with this. Personally, not being Catholic, I can't relate to what Mother Theresa felt, but being Christian, with my whole belief being in salvation through the blood of Jesus alone, I can relate to a sermon I found.
I can truly say that this sermon blessed me this morning: Lenten Series - The Seven Last Words My God, My God, Why Have You Forsaken Me? I feel it was just the thing I needed. Bless the author! Even if you are not having a crisis of faith, I suggest you go over and check it out because it's such a reminder of what faith is.
The first thing that struck me is that I am not alone. I'm not the only Christian to be tested. Christ himself was tested! Somehow, I had forgotten all about how the Lord cried out from the cross about being forsaken. Being fully human, Jesus was able to feel what we feel and, at that time, he felt given up on. So who am I to feel different?
The second thing that struck me is that all this time, I have been focused on the darkness of my situation - or the Good Friday - when I was ignoring the hope and glory of the light - or Easter. (The author's words are so powerful: "Those were not his last words from the cross." Amen! Jesus' last words were that it was finished.
So, here and now, I may have to go through this human pain and suffering (and it won't be easy; in fact, it may get worse), but one day, when I leave this world, I get to go Home and be with Jesus. Maybe even while I am still here, I will be happy again, but I'm not supposed to be living for this "life." It is for my life in Heaven that I am waiting for.
While I was feeling sorry for myself, I had forgotten about all the other suffering people who have it as bad or worse than me. Think of the little starving babies you see who live in famine, people born into a living hell of war or disease; people who have never eaten like I have or lived in decent shelter. I had not thought of the absolute luxuries I once enjoyed while so many millions of people suffered every day of their lives.
So, this day, I am thankful for this crisis. This struggle I am going through is going to keep me praying and holding on with both hands to my faith and hope for what eternity has in store for me.
Peace
--Free
Tuesday, August 09, 2011
Attitude & Change
Attitude has a lot to do with life. The meds I am on have affected my attitude, which is why I am being dragged down by this apathy and low-lying depression. So... I am trying to fight back.
First off, I am taking advantage of any moment when I'm not feeling dragged down. When I have a moment like that, I grab it to get something done: clean, plan, exercise - whatever I can. Next, I am going to be talking to the doctor about alternatives to the meds I am on. If he can't adjust them or wean me off yet, then maybe he can give me something to counteract the effects. It's either that or I am going to have to look at being disabled and that's something I will fight hard.
So, this is my life. Funny how fast this all hit me. I still can't believe that just a couple of months ago, I was in a completely different place. I hope anyone who has been following the story is taking it as a warning. A warning to enjoy what comfort and peace you have before it all changes or veers off on a different path. Here are some lessons I have learned:
1. Don't get too comfortable with anything you have - not material things or the people in your life. Appreciate what you have, but be ready to lose it all.
2. Things change. Don't think that because you woke up this morning one way that you will be able to count on that every day.
3. Be prepared for the worst. Your finances, your health, anything that counts as "security" can all go up in smoke.
Actually, I guess all those are really about the same thing: not counting on things not to change. That's what I have learned, but I learned it the hard way.
Peace
--Free
First off, I am taking advantage of any moment when I'm not feeling dragged down. When I have a moment like that, I grab it to get something done: clean, plan, exercise - whatever I can. Next, I am going to be talking to the doctor about alternatives to the meds I am on. If he can't adjust them or wean me off yet, then maybe he can give me something to counteract the effects. It's either that or I am going to have to look at being disabled and that's something I will fight hard.
So, this is my life. Funny how fast this all hit me. I still can't believe that just a couple of months ago, I was in a completely different place. I hope anyone who has been following the story is taking it as a warning. A warning to enjoy what comfort and peace you have before it all changes or veers off on a different path. Here are some lessons I have learned:
1. Don't get too comfortable with anything you have - not material things or the people in your life. Appreciate what you have, but be ready to lose it all.
2. Things change. Don't think that because you woke up this morning one way that you will be able to count on that every day.
3. Be prepared for the worst. Your finances, your health, anything that counts as "security" can all go up in smoke.
Actually, I guess all those are really about the same thing: not counting on things not to change. That's what I have learned, but I learned it the hard way.
Peace
--Free
Monday, July 25, 2011
Defined the Problem
(Just found this blog, which I want to point out has great links. Thanks to Sarcoidosis Experience)
While I was texting a friend, I hit on what the problem is with the medication I am on for this sarcoidosis. All this time that I have been trying to desparately make everyone understand, I couldn't grasp the right word. I've got it: Apathy. (And because this blog is really my only journal of this nightmare I am going through, I wanted to get this down here before I lose any sense of needing to write it.)
This friend of mine - who has been so good to me while I've been sick - texted to invite me to get out of the house this weekend. When I finally got the energy to answer her back, all I could do was be honest and say that I can't do anything until I get over this medically induced apathy.
What a relief to be able to find the word. I've been struggling to put meaning to the way I've been feeling from the moment I started on the prednisone. When I look up references to side effects, I'm not surprised to see that apathy, depression, mood changes - all of that comes up.
This is sheer hell, you guys. When you know what your natural personality is but you can't reach it... I don't know what it is to feel like laughing, talking, being or doing. And I know it's the medicine - which I know I have to keep taking for at least another few weeks.
When I do finish with this stuff, I am going to be so thankful for every emotion, good or bad. Right now, all I can do is be awake or be asleep. My one sort of joy is to sit in the sun and listen to the sounds of the neighborhood. I can't work or really function. I am just in a state of healing limbo.
If you want to even try to know what I feel like, take just one minute and try to make yourself feel numb and empty. Like your whole being is on novacaine. That's what I feel like. I can't find anything to distract myself from the nothingness. I can't write (which is a whole other kind of hell for me) or even lose myself in my imagination.
So, yeah - apathy has got to be the right word. Complete and total.
Peace
--Free
While I was texting a friend, I hit on what the problem is with the medication I am on for this sarcoidosis. All this time that I have been trying to desparately make everyone understand, I couldn't grasp the right word. I've got it: Apathy. (And because this blog is really my only journal of this nightmare I am going through, I wanted to get this down here before I lose any sense of needing to write it.)
This friend of mine - who has been so good to me while I've been sick - texted to invite me to get out of the house this weekend. When I finally got the energy to answer her back, all I could do was be honest and say that I can't do anything until I get over this medically induced apathy.
What a relief to be able to find the word. I've been struggling to put meaning to the way I've been feeling from the moment I started on the prednisone. When I look up references to side effects, I'm not surprised to see that apathy, depression, mood changes - all of that comes up.
This is sheer hell, you guys. When you know what your natural personality is but you can't reach it... I don't know what it is to feel like laughing, talking, being or doing. And I know it's the medicine - which I know I have to keep taking for at least another few weeks.
When I do finish with this stuff, I am going to be so thankful for every emotion, good or bad. Right now, all I can do is be awake or be asleep. My one sort of joy is to sit in the sun and listen to the sounds of the neighborhood. I can't work or really function. I am just in a state of healing limbo.
If you want to even try to know what I feel like, take just one minute and try to make yourself feel numb and empty. Like your whole being is on novacaine. That's what I feel like. I can't find anything to distract myself from the nothingness. I can't write (which is a whole other kind of hell for me) or even lose myself in my imagination.
So, yeah - apathy has got to be the right word. Complete and total.
Peace
--Free
Saturday, July 23, 2011
State of Mind
Being hit with this illness has definitely changed my life. I think of not one thing the way I did before. It's as if this whole experience has been life-altering for me.
One of the things I think about a lot is death. I think about what it means to be alive and then to not be alive. One minute, you are just chugging along, doing your thing - working, eating, planning - and then, the next, you could just not be there. I also think about what we mean to each other as people. When I look at the people I love now, I try to imagine life without them. I can't help but think "What if?" - as in: what it they were taken away from me in the next breath, or what if I just don't see them again.
Another thing is that I appreciate things more. Ever since I got home from the hospital, I have been so glad for the good weather. All I want to do is sit in the sun and think about what a beautiful world God has given us. (I told my sister how glad I am that this happened to me in the summer and not during the winter. I think the darkness of winter along with the effects of the prednisone would have driven me past the edge of my mind.) I am hoping desparately that my medicine therapy is over before the sun goes away. I think that if I have the sunshine and warmth, I will be able to survive this.
Like I said, I don't think I will ever be the same after this. Maybe this was a lesson God wanted to teach me: to think more about the NOW of life. It's not like we don't all know that one day we will have to die, but I don't think we respect that fact.
Here is something that a friend of mine said to me recently about faith and death- after my sickness, her getting cancer, and her sister passing from cancer. We were talking about how strong her sister had been in her faith and how she died in her faith. My friend said this: "We all want to be with Jesus, but we don't want to die."
For me, that was so deep. It's true. I live my life loving Jesus and wanting to be with Him. I think about my mother and the people who have already died and how I one day want to see them again. We all want to go to Heaven, but we have to die to get there.
For right now, I want to appreciate life and living. I want to get through this illness and get back to being my old self. I want to be the person who could laugh myself sick at the silliest things, think up funny stories, be interesting and fun and happy. The medicine has stolen some of that - and I know it is the medicine - and I can't wait to get it back. I just want to be fully me again. I want to be inspired to write and talk and be someone that people enjoy being around.
Until I get through all this, I ask that you all keep me in your prayers. Try to be uplifting to each other. No one knows what another person is going through, so we all need to be encouraging.
Peace
--Free
One of the things I think about a lot is death. I think about what it means to be alive and then to not be alive. One minute, you are just chugging along, doing your thing - working, eating, planning - and then, the next, you could just not be there. I also think about what we mean to each other as people. When I look at the people I love now, I try to imagine life without them. I can't help but think "What if?" - as in: what it they were taken away from me in the next breath, or what if I just don't see them again.
Another thing is that I appreciate things more. Ever since I got home from the hospital, I have been so glad for the good weather. All I want to do is sit in the sun and think about what a beautiful world God has given us. (I told my sister how glad I am that this happened to me in the summer and not during the winter. I think the darkness of winter along with the effects of the prednisone would have driven me past the edge of my mind.) I am hoping desparately that my medicine therapy is over before the sun goes away. I think that if I have the sunshine and warmth, I will be able to survive this.
Like I said, I don't think I will ever be the same after this. Maybe this was a lesson God wanted to teach me: to think more about the NOW of life. It's not like we don't all know that one day we will have to die, but I don't think we respect that fact.
Here is something that a friend of mine said to me recently about faith and death- after my sickness, her getting cancer, and her sister passing from cancer. We were talking about how strong her sister had been in her faith and how she died in her faith. My friend said this: "We all want to be with Jesus, but we don't want to die."
For me, that was so deep. It's true. I live my life loving Jesus and wanting to be with Him. I think about my mother and the people who have already died and how I one day want to see them again. We all want to go to Heaven, but we have to die to get there.
For right now, I want to appreciate life and living. I want to get through this illness and get back to being my old self. I want to be the person who could laugh myself sick at the silliest things, think up funny stories, be interesting and fun and happy. The medicine has stolen some of that - and I know it is the medicine - and I can't wait to get it back. I just want to be fully me again. I want to be inspired to write and talk and be someone that people enjoy being around.
Until I get through all this, I ask that you all keep me in your prayers. Try to be uplifting to each other. No one knows what another person is going through, so we all need to be encouraging.
Peace
--Free
Friday, July 15, 2011
Learning to Breathe
Three days out of the hospital and I am feeling a little more back on my feet. Feel a little more like I can think a little bit more clearly. Still not liking the steroids and the effects I can feel they are having on me.
When I think of what happened to me - all out of nowhere - I am so thankful to God. I could have been lying dead somewhere. What if I'd been driving and run someone over? What if I'd just been somewhere without my family and something had happened?
So many what it if's.
Instead, I ended up with this cruddy disease that I still don't understand, but I am alive and fighting.
I know that people automatically think the same things when they've had a close call with death or disease, but I have got to say it anyway: it makes you think.
The day I was released from the hospital, a friend's sister died of cancer. I didn't know this until I called to check in with my friend. Her sister had fought all the way to Stage Four cancer, and I had just spoken to her myself a few weeks ago. I had told her how wonderful it was that she was still fighting and that she sounded so good and strong while we were talking. She told me that she had put all her faith in the Lord and that He had healed her so far. She wasn't afraid to die. Her sister - my friend - is fighting the same type cancer right now.
When I was being diagnosed, one of the things the doctors had to do was a biopsy on tissue from my lung. That was to determine whether I had sarcoidosis or cancer. It was a horrible procedure that I had to be partly conscious for and I don't know what was worse: that or waiting for the result. Before I knew the result, I remember thinking about dying. I wasn't so much afraid as I was sad. I was sad that I'd be leaving family and friends, sad about things I had or had not done. I was curious about what it would be like to not be alive. I even wondered about how my dying would affect the doctors, nurses and staff I'd met while in the hospital. Mainly, I wondered if my dying would change anything for anyone in a deep way.
Now that I am home and just dealing with the fallout of the Sarc - the bills, what to do with my life and how to cope - I am going to try to enjoy as much of life as I can, worry about as little of it as possible, and be thankful to God for every breath. It took all of this for the Lord to teach me that happiness is an inside job.
Peace
--Free
When I think of what happened to me - all out of nowhere - I am so thankful to God. I could have been lying dead somewhere. What if I'd been driving and run someone over? What if I'd just been somewhere without my family and something had happened?
So many what it if's.
Instead, I ended up with this cruddy disease that I still don't understand, but I am alive and fighting.
I know that people automatically think the same things when they've had a close call with death or disease, but I have got to say it anyway: it makes you think.
The day I was released from the hospital, a friend's sister died of cancer. I didn't know this until I called to check in with my friend. Her sister had fought all the way to Stage Four cancer, and I had just spoken to her myself a few weeks ago. I had told her how wonderful it was that she was still fighting and that she sounded so good and strong while we were talking. She told me that she had put all her faith in the Lord and that He had healed her so far. She wasn't afraid to die. Her sister - my friend - is fighting the same type cancer right now.
When I was being diagnosed, one of the things the doctors had to do was a biopsy on tissue from my lung. That was to determine whether I had sarcoidosis or cancer. It was a horrible procedure that I had to be partly conscious for and I don't know what was worse: that or waiting for the result. Before I knew the result, I remember thinking about dying. I wasn't so much afraid as I was sad. I was sad that I'd be leaving family and friends, sad about things I had or had not done. I was curious about what it would be like to not be alive. I even wondered about how my dying would affect the doctors, nurses and staff I'd met while in the hospital. Mainly, I wondered if my dying would change anything for anyone in a deep way.
Now that I am home and just dealing with the fallout of the Sarc - the bills, what to do with my life and how to cope - I am going to try to enjoy as much of life as I can, worry about as little of it as possible, and be thankful to God for every breath. It took all of this for the Lord to teach me that happiness is an inside job.
Peace
--Free
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Family Catchup
For the friends and family who heard I was sick and in hospital and no one really knew what was going on, here's the deal.
I got sick right after my birthday and landed myself in the hospital. Thank God for my family because I would not have gone without them bugging me. I thought I was just just tired and stressed.
Long story short, I was walking around here, slurring words, tripping over my own two feet, being cranky and tired, etc, etc, etc... without knowing why. This went on for weeks and weeks and was getting worse until recently. I have been diagnosed with some crazy disease called Sarcoidosis. (Leave it to me to get something I can't pronounce. I call it Sarc.) That's what landed me in the hospital from July 4th through yesterday when I was was released. On top of that, the doctors (all of them amazing, by the way!) were getting my ridiculously high blood pressure under control.
Like about everything, there is both too much and not enough information out there about Sarc. I gave up trying to research it and am just paying attention to my doctors - who also admit being a little puzzled by Sarc. The one thing I want to get across to all of you is this: I had Sarc symptoms for a long time and I ignored them. I certainly had High Blood Pressure symptoms that I didn't manage. So, for all of you who are not taking care of yourself - please do. If nothing else, I could have been a lot of healthier these past several months!
I am home now and trying to get a grasp on what this disease and the symptoms mean for me. There is not a lot known about Sarc, but for me, everything just feels weird. I am having some trouble thinking and moving and my body feels a little alien. My eyesight, my movements - even my words and thoughts - everything feels out of whack. Some of it, I'm sure, is just that I am overwhelmed. The medicines alone baffle me. (It took me 20 minutes to sort out which ones I was taking and when and why.) Right now, I am trying to figure out how this is going to affect the rest of my life. This is my first day out of hospital and facing it all.
Everyone pray for me. Pray that God touches on this disease and the symptoms to heal them. Pray that my blood pressure stays under control and that no more damage is done to this body.
Love,
Free
I got sick right after my birthday and landed myself in the hospital. Thank God for my family because I would not have gone without them bugging me. I thought I was just just tired and stressed.
Long story short, I was walking around here, slurring words, tripping over my own two feet, being cranky and tired, etc, etc, etc... without knowing why. This went on for weeks and weeks and was getting worse until recently. I have been diagnosed with some crazy disease called Sarcoidosis. (Leave it to me to get something I can't pronounce. I call it Sarc.) That's what landed me in the hospital from July 4th through yesterday when I was was released. On top of that, the doctors (all of them amazing, by the way!) were getting my ridiculously high blood pressure under control.
Like about everything, there is both too much and not enough information out there about Sarc. I gave up trying to research it and am just paying attention to my doctors - who also admit being a little puzzled by Sarc. The one thing I want to get across to all of you is this: I had Sarc symptoms for a long time and I ignored them. I certainly had High Blood Pressure symptoms that I didn't manage. So, for all of you who are not taking care of yourself - please do. If nothing else, I could have been a lot of healthier these past several months!
I am home now and trying to get a grasp on what this disease and the symptoms mean for me. There is not a lot known about Sarc, but for me, everything just feels weird. I am having some trouble thinking and moving and my body feels a little alien. My eyesight, my movements - even my words and thoughts - everything feels out of whack. Some of it, I'm sure, is just that I am overwhelmed. The medicines alone baffle me. (It took me 20 minutes to sort out which ones I was taking and when and why.) Right now, I am trying to figure out how this is going to affect the rest of my life. This is my first day out of hospital and facing it all.
Everyone pray for me. Pray that God touches on this disease and the symptoms to heal them. Pray that my blood pressure stays under control and that no more damage is done to this body.
Love,
Free
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Laughing In The Rain
The secret to laughing in the rain is to be thankful for your umbrellas. Yeah, that sounds kind of Zen-corny, I know, but it's really true.
I used to let many things get me down, but in the past year or so, I've found that it's better to look at my blessings instead of my worries. For instance, I could be sad because I am nowhere near where I need to be at my age - not in finance, romance or in the normal cycle of life. Talk about being caught in the middle of a life storm... But I choose to be light and joyful because I look at all the umbrellas God has given me: good family, good friends, my physical senses. And I think of the fact that God KNEW to give me the specific family and friends He gave, because He knows they are what I need. (It's only passing-by funny that He could have given me riches, but I wouldn't have gotten the people I have.)
Anyway, my point here is that if I were sad, I'd be spreading that sadness, but God has given me joy that usually manages to shine outwards to others. Who knows what a smile and a sense of peace does for others just by being in the atmosphere? I think it matters.
So please pull out your umbrellas so that you can enjoy whatever the forecast is. Let your joy be good for someone else. Smile at each other, care enough for it to show and let your own attitude teach others how to laugh in their own storms.
(In a sidenote: Last night I thought I was dying. No kidding. Those who know me know that I have severe high blood pressure - it's one of the reasons that I am changing jobs until I get it under control - and I worry all the time about what it's doing to my body. Anyway, I happened to get a massive headache yesterday. This was no ordinary head pain; it got so bad that I couldn't walk for making it worse. I took painkillers and aspirin; I lay down, perfectly still, because any movement aggravated the pain. At about 2am, I started to think that I should wake up the fam or call 911. Finally, I thought that maybe I was just going to stroke out and die. Of course, I didn't die, but realized that I had forgotten to take a medication - which is a whole other story. So I took the med and within half an hour, headache went bye-bye. I have to tell you, though, that the thought of dying was not scary; the only sad thought I had was that I was leaving behind my fam. I've never been so close to dying - that I was aware of - and I am so thankful to God that because of Jesus, I now know that when the time comes for me to go Home, I won't be afraid.)
Peace
--Free
I used to let many things get me down, but in the past year or so, I've found that it's better to look at my blessings instead of my worries. For instance, I could be sad because I am nowhere near where I need to be at my age - not in finance, romance or in the normal cycle of life. Talk about being caught in the middle of a life storm... But I choose to be light and joyful because I look at all the umbrellas God has given me: good family, good friends, my physical senses. And I think of the fact that God KNEW to give me the specific family and friends He gave, because He knows they are what I need. (It's only passing-by funny that He could have given me riches, but I wouldn't have gotten the people I have.)
Anyway, my point here is that if I were sad, I'd be spreading that sadness, but God has given me joy that usually manages to shine outwards to others. Who knows what a smile and a sense of peace does for others just by being in the atmosphere? I think it matters.
So please pull out your umbrellas so that you can enjoy whatever the forecast is. Let your joy be good for someone else. Smile at each other, care enough for it to show and let your own attitude teach others how to laugh in their own storms.
(In a sidenote: Last night I thought I was dying. No kidding. Those who know me know that I have severe high blood pressure - it's one of the reasons that I am changing jobs until I get it under control - and I worry all the time about what it's doing to my body. Anyway, I happened to get a massive headache yesterday. This was no ordinary head pain; it got so bad that I couldn't walk for making it worse. I took painkillers and aspirin; I lay down, perfectly still, because any movement aggravated the pain. At about 2am, I started to think that I should wake up the fam or call 911. Finally, I thought that maybe I was just going to stroke out and die. Of course, I didn't die, but realized that I had forgotten to take a medication - which is a whole other story. So I took the med and within half an hour, headache went bye-bye. I have to tell you, though, that the thought of dying was not scary; the only sad thought I had was that I was leaving behind my fam. I've never been so close to dying - that I was aware of - and I am so thankful to God that because of Jesus, I now know that when the time comes for me to go Home, I won't be afraid.)
Peace
--Free
Friday, May 06, 2011
The Mind Is a Strange Place
I have the oddest thing happening to me & I wonder if anyone else has had it happen.
Two or three nights ago, I woke up out of deep, deep sleep. I think I had been dreaming, but I can't remember what about. I woke up as if something was heavy on my mind, but I couldn't focus on what that was. When I'd sat there long enough to really wake up, I had this image in my head of a man. Seeing him in my mind gave me a feeling of being puzzled and confused. I would feel that he was there to give me information or a message.
I had no idea who this man is. Just can't imagine where I ever saw him before. I didn't know who he was, but - and this is also weird - I told my sister that (for some reason), I know his first name, but guessed at his last.
Now. I have solved the puzzle - just today - and this makes me wonder how the mind works.
Turns out that this man is not important to me personally and I never have met him. I have SEEN him in a normal passing.
What bothers me so much about this is that now that I know who the man is, there is no reason at all that he should have crossed my mind or interrupted my thoughts.
I'm going to right it off to stress and repression of some kind of memory. I just wonder about the human brain - my brain.
Peace
--Free
Two or three nights ago, I woke up out of deep, deep sleep. I think I had been dreaming, but I can't remember what about. I woke up as if something was heavy on my mind, but I couldn't focus on what that was. When I'd sat there long enough to really wake up, I had this image in my head of a man. Seeing him in my mind gave me a feeling of being puzzled and confused. I would feel that he was there to give me information or a message.
I had no idea who this man is. Just can't imagine where I ever saw him before. I didn't know who he was, but - and this is also weird - I told my sister that (for some reason), I know his first name, but guessed at his last.
Now. I have solved the puzzle - just today - and this makes me wonder how the mind works.
Turns out that this man is not important to me personally and I never have met him. I have SEEN him in a normal passing.
What bothers me so much about this is that now that I know who the man is, there is no reason at all that he should have crossed my mind or interrupted my thoughts.
I'm going to right it off to stress and repression of some kind of memory. I just wonder about the human brain - my brain.
Peace
--Free
Saturday, February 05, 2011
Spoken and Remembered
A person close to me (by blood) made a joke at my expense. A few years ago, I would have taken it to heart, but lately I've come to realize that people are one thing and do another. This particular person probably didn't mean to hurt me. I truly believe that the true motive wasn't hurting me, but making himself feel better. (And because I am such a sinner, I thought, "Okay, that's my gift to you. Once!" LOL)
Seriously though, the idea of ragging on someone to make yourself feel better stuck in my head. As I thought about it, I also thought about something else (sort of related, maybe not):
When we remember people - say at a funeral - we often don't really say out loud what we really remember about the person. We remember one thing, but say another - something more acceptable.
For instance, at funerals, we often tell only the best things about a person - how generous they were, how kind and caring, etc. We will talk about the good times and the good things, but the whole time, what we are really thinking about are the hurts they caused, their pettiness, the way they cheated or lied or manipulated others. Of course, it would be wrong and disrespectful to the person's loved ones to do anything other than be kind when speaking of them. I guess that goes to the whole don't-speak-ill-of-the-dead and all that...
Here's the thing that came to my mind: I want to remembered as kindly as I will be spoken of. I don't want anyone to have to sugarcoat their words at my passing. If they are going to say that I was generous, then I don't want them - or anyone listening - to be remembering that my generosity had a motive. I don't want anyone speaking or listening to have subtitles going on about me. (In my case, if someone says that I was moody and cranky, I won't mind. That's true. I would like to think I have been "lovably cranky," but... hahaha) I guess I want to try to live so that I will be remembered for being true to my ways - the good and the bad. I don't want to be remembered as someone who tried killing someone's spirit or morale.
We all have faults, but too often, we try to show the world one personality while we are acting out as another. We want praise for things we haven't truly been. We want to be remembered for things we didn't do with our hearts. We should care more about whether or not we were truly faithful or generous or God-fearing than we should about whether people just thought we were.
And the thing is: often we aren't fooling anybody. If we were, all the good things spoken of about us would be true. God will know the truth.
This all makes me think of people who seem tall only because they are using someone else's misery as a stool. People who seem wealthy only in comparison to another person's lack. People who aren't happy with what they've got unless they can show that they have it. These are people who wouldn't be happy in Heaven where joy might be equal. Also, we need to pray for these folks because life here on earth must be - in their hearts - miserable. When I think of people, I wonder about the un-shed tears and the troubling restlessness no one knows about. I think about where I would be without God to touch my own faults and worries. How miserable I would be without His forgiveness, love and comfort. What is it that the Bible says about misery? People with these faults have got to be sadly miserable because of what they lust after for this world and for trying to impress people who cannot save their own souls.
Don't get me wrong - I am not excluding myself. I've craved temporary happiness with the purchase of a purse or piece of clothing. I've lusted after cars and houses and jewelry. Not always because I have wanted the item just because I liked it, but because I wanted what someone else had or didn't have. I wanted - even temporarily - people to look at me and feel a little envy. I think that's a very human weakness and sin. But I am going to ask the Lord to free me from it.
As always, whenever I hold up a mirror to someone's faults, mine become so much clearer. Maybe that's the way God intended it to be. I see a fault in someone else and realize I'm guilty too - and I don't want to be that way anymore.
Just a couple of thoughts I've had. I'm done now. LOL
Peace
--Free
Seriously though, the idea of ragging on someone to make yourself feel better stuck in my head. As I thought about it, I also thought about something else (sort of related, maybe not):
When we remember people - say at a funeral - we often don't really say out loud what we really remember about the person. We remember one thing, but say another - something more acceptable.
For instance, at funerals, we often tell only the best things about a person - how generous they were, how kind and caring, etc. We will talk about the good times and the good things, but the whole time, what we are really thinking about are the hurts they caused, their pettiness, the way they cheated or lied or manipulated others. Of course, it would be wrong and disrespectful to the person's loved ones to do anything other than be kind when speaking of them. I guess that goes to the whole don't-speak-ill-of-the-dead and all that...
Here's the thing that came to my mind: I want to remembered as kindly as I will be spoken of. I don't want anyone to have to sugarcoat their words at my passing. If they are going to say that I was generous, then I don't want them - or anyone listening - to be remembering that my generosity had a motive. I don't want anyone speaking or listening to have subtitles going on about me. (In my case, if someone says that I was moody and cranky, I won't mind. That's true. I would like to think I have been "lovably cranky," but... hahaha) I guess I want to try to live so that I will be remembered for being true to my ways - the good and the bad. I don't want to be remembered as someone who tried killing someone's spirit or morale.
We all have faults, but too often, we try to show the world one personality while we are acting out as another. We want praise for things we haven't truly been. We want to be remembered for things we didn't do with our hearts. We should care more about whether or not we were truly faithful or generous or God-fearing than we should about whether people just thought we were.
And the thing is: often we aren't fooling anybody. If we were, all the good things spoken of about us would be true. God will know the truth.
This all makes me think of people who seem tall only because they are using someone else's misery as a stool. People who seem wealthy only in comparison to another person's lack. People who aren't happy with what they've got unless they can show that they have it. These are people who wouldn't be happy in Heaven where joy might be equal. Also, we need to pray for these folks because life here on earth must be - in their hearts - miserable. When I think of people, I wonder about the un-shed tears and the troubling restlessness no one knows about. I think about where I would be without God to touch my own faults and worries. How miserable I would be without His forgiveness, love and comfort. What is it that the Bible says about misery? People with these faults have got to be sadly miserable because of what they lust after for this world and for trying to impress people who cannot save their own souls.
Don't get me wrong - I am not excluding myself. I've craved temporary happiness with the purchase of a purse or piece of clothing. I've lusted after cars and houses and jewelry. Not always because I have wanted the item just because I liked it, but because I wanted what someone else had or didn't have. I wanted - even temporarily - people to look at me and feel a little envy. I think that's a very human weakness and sin. But I am going to ask the Lord to free me from it.
As always, whenever I hold up a mirror to someone's faults, mine become so much clearer. Maybe that's the way God intended it to be. I see a fault in someone else and realize I'm guilty too - and I don't want to be that way anymore.
Just a couple of thoughts I've had. I'm done now. LOL
Peace
--Free
I Just Wanna Be Free-eee!
Thank the Lord! The days are getting brighter, some of this nasty snow is melting, and it's not as freezing cold as it has been in past weeks. Maybe I shouldn't speak too soon, but I'm already checking out cute sandals and summer clothes!
The way I am feeling (most of the time) after the hell I have been through, I was going to add a vid of the Deniece Williams song "Free," but I remembered that it was all about some man. Hah! So...
Even though I'm not that into the whole secular music thing these days, I like the lyrics in this song:
Yep, I am going to be just fine. (Now if that sun would just come on out and warm things up around here! LOL)
Peace
--Free
The way I am feeling (most of the time) after the hell I have been through, I was going to add a vid of the Deniece Williams song "Free," but I remembered that it was all about some man. Hah! So...
Even though I'm not that into the whole secular music thing these days, I like the lyrics in this song:
Yep, I am going to be just fine. (Now if that sun would just come on out and warm things up around here! LOL)
Peace
--Free
Sunday, January 02, 2011
Reflections
So... Life under maintenance, a new year started... It all got me to thinking back. I went through a bunch of my photos & thought I'd share the memories... (They are in no particular order. Blogger got goofy about what would upload and what would be rejected by server..???)
Ok, that was fun. Maybe I will do another post of pics soon.
Peace
--Free
(above) Interesting that I was taking a pic of myself, but don't look happy about it... BUT, notice I have hair! lol
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| My birthday in June 2010. La Mex. Went with the fam |
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| So dang vain! LOL. At my "sis" Barb's last year, trying on clothes my big sis sent. I need to lose about 15lbs to get back to that size! |
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| This is my niece & nephew a couple yrs ago when he was home from Iraq. I was in TX, but my AK fam made sure I got the pic |
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| There's my niece Gabby! And I'll be danged if she ain't laughing. (Good, Gabby. Not so serious all the time!) |
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| My sweet, sweet Rags-a-poo. I still miss my lil baby every single day |
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| I guess I think I thought I was cute or something. This is in TX with my cousins around April/May I think. L ast year.We took Lil Man out to try & fish. (All I can think about is that I had more hair on my head then!) |
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| Ahh, my serious and beautiful niece Gabs. Around summer '09 I believe |
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| Horrible pic, but, hey - you know how those bad-lit, self-shot bathroom photos are! LOL BUT check out the SHORT hair cut... Can't believe I did it. Looks a lot better in person & the stylist (Tanya @ Ebony & Ivory) was amazing! |
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| Me & my nephew Dre. Summer of 2010. Man it was a gorgeous day! |
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| La Mex on the birthday. (We look drunk but we aren't really) Cherie had had knee surgery & I was just a little bit blue... |
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| (from left to right) Niece Gabby (being shy), my big sis & bestest friend, my beautiful Mommy and niece Cherie. Fam love, right there in a group! |
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| Wow! This is me, like about 20 yrs ago. Loved that house of ours. Makes me cry to think we are living there anymore... |
Peace
--Free
Friday, December 31, 2010
Warning: Life Under Maintenance
So.
I had thought of doing New Year resolutions, then I thought, why set myself up for failure? You don't have to wait for the beginning of a year to set goals, make resolutions, right?
No.
So, instead of reaching for the impossible, I have decided to go for the do-able:
Since the haircut is the first step, I will try to promise to post pics as soon as it's done. (Unless it turns out a hot mess - then I will post pics of the remedy: a wig, weave or really cute hats! LOL)
To the memories of those who are not here with us this year: I hope you are at rest and at peace for all eternity. (Mom, Dad & the Grands - I still miss you all so much!)
For the rest of you, I wish for peace in your hearts, minds and souls; love that you can use; pursuits you can thrive in; and mostly spiritual calm and fulfillment. God bless all His little children.
Raise your hearts and hopes to a great Year 2011
Peace
--Free
I had thought of doing New Year resolutions, then I thought, why set myself up for failure? You don't have to wait for the beginning of a year to set goals, make resolutions, right?
No.
So, instead of reaching for the impossible, I have decided to go for the do-able:
- Gonna try a new look for the physical me.
- Gonna get my body looked after - check out the flesh & blood machine with a physical
- Gonna get the mind taken care of. Been having anxiety attacks and bouts of the "the blues."
- Getting the spiritual me shaped up. Having a lot more talks with the Lord, putting my trust in Him to get me through all the time He's giving me here on this crazy planet.
- Going to appreciate life moment-to-moment.
Since the haircut is the first step, I will try to promise to post pics as soon as it's done. (Unless it turns out a hot mess - then I will post pics of the remedy: a wig, weave or really cute hats! LOL)
To the memories of those who are not here with us this year: I hope you are at rest and at peace for all eternity. (Mom, Dad & the Grands - I still miss you all so much!)
For the rest of you, I wish for peace in your hearts, minds and souls; love that you can use; pursuits you can thrive in; and mostly spiritual calm and fulfillment. God bless all His little children.
Raise your hearts and hopes to a great Year 2011
Peace
--Free
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Auld Lang Syne
Question: How many of you know the words to that traditional New Year song?
I bet not too many!
I looked up the lyrics and other information and was a little bit surprised that it's not only sung at the New Year but at funerals and other occasions. Now that I do know the words, I can see it being appropriate for other occasions. I can also see it's not as "deep" as I always thought. Matter of fact, the melody makes me feel more emotional that the lyrics do.
Anyway, here are the lyrics. You can find out more on Wikipedia (of course!)
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old lang syne ?
and surely I’ll buy mine !
And we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
and picked the daisies fine ;
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,
since auld lang syne.
from morning sun till dine† ;
But seas between us broad have roared
since auld lang syne.
And give us a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.
I bet not too many!
I looked up the lyrics and other information and was a little bit surprised that it's not only sung at the New Year but at funerals and other occasions. Now that I do know the words, I can see it being appropriate for other occasions. I can also see it's not as "deep" as I always thought. Matter of fact, the melody makes me feel more emotional that the lyrics do.
Anyway, here are the lyrics. You can find out more on Wikipedia (of course!)
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old lang syne ?
- CHORUS:
- For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne, we'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne.
and surely I’ll buy mine !
And we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
- CHORUS
and picked the daisies fine ;
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,
since auld lang syne.
- CHORUS
from morning sun till dine† ;
But seas between us broad have roared
since auld lang syne.
- CHORUS
And give us a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.
- CHORUS
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Watching the Asphalt Grow
I haven't been over here for a good minute or two. That's because it's winter and as I've said over & over, I don't do well in winter. I go to work, come home and sleep. On weekends, I hit Walmart or Target just to get out of the house & spend time with the fam. Other than that, I just hibernate and pray for Spring and Summer.
I guess I am only posting today to do a catch-up of the very little that's been happening in the life of Free. So, let's do a quickie rundown...
Wishing everyone to have a wonderful Christmas. Here's hoping for a really bright and amazing New Year. Maybe I will be posting again before all that, but who knows?
Peace
--Free
I guess I am only posting today to do a catch-up of the very little that's been happening in the life of Free. So, let's do a quickie rundown...
- Got the job - thank You, God - and it's going all right. Still lots to learn and get ingrained into my habits.
- Made a new buddy at the job. Cool lady, lots of lunchtime laughs and girl-talk.
- Collecting up stuff for when I get a place of my own - which I am having to save up for. Hit the after-Thanksgiving sales and really cleaned up on kitchen stuff and even got a little flat-screen television. Yay.
- Haven't written a thing lately, creative-wise. Starting to feel (for the first time) that I am through with writing anything major. That's kind of okay with me, but kind of not... *shrug*
- Thinking a lot about my mother and father lately. Makes me a little blue. Makes me think a lot of Heaven.
Wishing everyone to have a wonderful Christmas. Here's hoping for a really bright and amazing New Year. Maybe I will be posting again before all that, but who knows?
Peace
--Free
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
So, you DO have to tell me twice
At almost 50, i've had a huge wakeup call & learned things in my heart that my head always knew:
1- things are not always what they seem to be
2 - most folks have no "self mirror." They understand every hurt they feel but not the hurt they cause.
3- we all need to feel that we matter
For so many years, I felt validated by my family. Felt that by doing the right thing was its own reward. Well, that sounds good, but it doesn't always feel right.
My resolution is: acknowlede & validate those who acknowledge & validate me. If I don't mean anything to you, you won't mean anything to me.
I am going to let go of begging for love. I am going to start being my own top priority. I am going to start acknowledging myself. I can't count on anyone else to be thankful for what I sacrificed for them.
Life will teach you many things. I learned late, but I learned well.
Peace
--Free
1- things are not always what they seem to be
2 - most folks have no "self mirror." They understand every hurt they feel but not the hurt they cause.
3- we all need to feel that we matter
For so many years, I felt validated by my family. Felt that by doing the right thing was its own reward. Well, that sounds good, but it doesn't always feel right.
My resolution is: acknowlede & validate those who acknowledge & validate me. If I don't mean anything to you, you won't mean anything to me.
I am going to let go of begging for love. I am going to start being my own top priority. I am going to start acknowledging myself. I can't count on anyone else to be thankful for what I sacrificed for them.
Life will teach you many things. I learned late, but I learned well.
Peace
--Free
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Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Just Rambling
Oh, my poor, neglected blog(s)!!!
I haven't been posting regularly, I've barely touched bases with my Twitter pals & the Cafe and Farm over on Facebook are just... well, they're looking pretty sad! lol And, speaking of sad, my beautiful little plant must be getting ready to hibernate for winter. Almost all her blooms are dried up... :-(
Maybe now that the season is changing (and there is FROST/ICE on the car in the morning), I will get more into my web world... You know how I tend to hunker down in the darker months of the year.
This is the first time in about 3 years that I have been around for one of our Alaskan winters. I really don't like it much. I think I got spoiled by the nice Texas winters. You know, being able to sit out on the patio for coffee, taking walks, having potted plants out... All that nice-weather kinda stuff.
What am I gonna do to get through the winter? I am going to indulge all my guilty television pleasures (Real Housewives, Paranormal State and any kind of classic show), try to spend more time praying and reading the Bible. I need to get back to church too. Pretty sure they have forgotten me over at Foursquare. And maybe I will start back crocheting. I know I want to do blankets for whatever new place I get, and I have a whole other bunch of nieces/nephews to do blankets for. And, oh, not to mention needing to post here more often!
Other than the darkness, another thing I dislike about winters here: it was Mama's favorite season & I always think about her with a little bit of sadness around Thanksgiving and Christmas. She LOVED her Christmas decorations and having the grandkids crowded into the house... I can't forget how, when she passed away (in April), we all came home from the hospital to find that Mom's Christmas lights had been turned on and were just lighting up the whole outside of the house. Never did figure that one out. We eventually came to think of it as God letting Mom say "goodbye" in her own way.
So...
Anyway, if I were to have an early holiday wishlist, I guess it would be to have another happy home, continued health, peace and family to wallow in. Basically, I pretty much HAVE all that I want (ok, I'm still working on the house part!). AND this year I have a job. So, I am already as blessed as I can wish to be.
I do have a few more things I want to do, though. I want to actually do a Christmas card list (with actual PAPER cards and postage stamps!), I want to go ahead and cut my hair (be a little adventurous for a bit), and I want to find a unique gift for everyone on my list. I am so tired of giving gifts that only mean something for a minute. I want to think of something very personal and fitting for everyone. (I have some ideas, but can't breathe a word on the blog because my NOSEY neice reads this pretty regularly - lol)
Finally (as if I haven't just been rambling on here!) I want to give a big thanks to the Lord for my new friend Jone. She has been a real blessing and encouragement. Maybe next time I post, I will tell the story of how I accidentally re-named a local eatery. (I have no problem at all laughing at myself! lol)
Meantime, you guys all be safe as the weather changes. Count your blessings with joy & endure your trials peace.
Peace
--Free
I haven't been posting regularly, I've barely touched bases with my Twitter pals & the Cafe and Farm over on Facebook are just... well, they're looking pretty sad! lol And, speaking of sad, my beautiful little plant must be getting ready to hibernate for winter. Almost all her blooms are dried up... :-(
Maybe now that the season is changing (and there is FROST/ICE on the car in the morning), I will get more into my web world... You know how I tend to hunker down in the darker months of the year.
This is the first time in about 3 years that I have been around for one of our Alaskan winters. I really don't like it much. I think I got spoiled by the nice Texas winters. You know, being able to sit out on the patio for coffee, taking walks, having potted plants out... All that nice-weather kinda stuff.
What am I gonna do to get through the winter? I am going to indulge all my guilty television pleasures (Real Housewives, Paranormal State and any kind of classic show), try to spend more time praying and reading the Bible. I need to get back to church too. Pretty sure they have forgotten me over at Foursquare. And maybe I will start back crocheting. I know I want to do blankets for whatever new place I get, and I have a whole other bunch of nieces/nephews to do blankets for. And, oh, not to mention needing to post here more often!
Other than the darkness, another thing I dislike about winters here: it was Mama's favorite season & I always think about her with a little bit of sadness around Thanksgiving and Christmas. She LOVED her Christmas decorations and having the grandkids crowded into the house... I can't forget how, when she passed away (in April), we all came home from the hospital to find that Mom's Christmas lights had been turned on and were just lighting up the whole outside of the house. Never did figure that one out. We eventually came to think of it as God letting Mom say "goodbye" in her own way.
So...
Anyway, if I were to have an early holiday wishlist, I guess it would be to have another happy home, continued health, peace and family to wallow in. Basically, I pretty much HAVE all that I want (ok, I'm still working on the house part!). AND this year I have a job. So, I am already as blessed as I can wish to be.
I do have a few more things I want to do, though. I want to actually do a Christmas card list (with actual PAPER cards and postage stamps!), I want to go ahead and cut my hair (be a little adventurous for a bit), and I want to find a unique gift for everyone on my list. I am so tired of giving gifts that only mean something for a minute. I want to think of something very personal and fitting for everyone. (I have some ideas, but can't breathe a word on the blog because my NOSEY neice reads this pretty regularly - lol)
Finally (as if I haven't just been rambling on here!) I want to give a big thanks to the Lord for my new friend Jone. She has been a real blessing and encouragement. Maybe next time I post, I will tell the story of how I accidentally re-named a local eatery. (I have no problem at all laughing at myself! lol)
Meantime, you guys all be safe as the weather changes. Count your blessings with joy & endure your trials peace.
Peace
--Free
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