Family Addition

We have, as of yesterday, a new addition to the family. Isn't he gorgeous...

Yes, yes he is! 

For you created my inmost being; 

   you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 

   your works are wonderful, 

   I know that full well. 

 My frame was not hidden from you 

   when I was made in the secret place, 

   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 

 Your eyes saw my unformed body; 

   all the days ordained for me were written in your book 

   before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:16

Peace

--Free

Powerful

Just saw this over on Google Plus in my stream. This is so powerful and says so much that I just had to share it here.

Peace
--Free

Good Grief, Good Gifts!

I am over here having a fit of the giggles. My nephew-in-law did a great job this year getting gifts for my niece. My sister says she is SO proud of him. Thought I won't say what he got her this year, I do remember the early years of their marriage when he would get the most hilarious gifts. He's come such a long, long way!

One Christmas, he got her this outrageously ugly coat. There isn't a word for the kind of hideousness that was this particular coat. And it had the nerve to come with matching gloves! ROFL. On top of it being what I think the British would call ghastly, it didn't fit quite right. My niece looked uncomfortable, embarrassed and sheepish all at the same time. The way she tried to think of something grateful to say was just priceless. It was my sister and me who just came out and told my nephew that the coat was not really the best gift. They replaced it with something. Too funny.

I don't remember if it was for Christmas or for her birthday that my nephew got the vacuum cleaner. It might even have been for Valentine's Day. He was just so new at getting a female the appropriate gifts.

Well, he has certainly gotten better after 9 years of marriage. My niece will be more than happy this year. This actually gives me something to look forward to on Christmas morning.

I wonder what some of the worst gifts people have gotten for each other? I don't think anything can beat that freaking coat...

Peace
--Free

Mama Wasn't Always Nice

I am over here just cracking up laughing because I heard someone use a saying my mother used to use. I don't know if you've ever heard this, and please pardon the language, but when someone got on my mother's nerves by pestering her, she'd tell them that they could worry the stink out of sh*t.

I have no idea how that is done, but I always died laughing when I heard Mama say it. Variations on the saying included: "The hot out of Hell," "Wet out of water" and others that I can't remember right now.

Another of her sayings is one most people might have heard: "I'll slap the taste out of your mouth!" (I had a smart-alecky cousin who would mutter, "How? You didn't put it there." But she would only mutter it! lol) Another warning was one I heard someone else use: "Knock you out til you wake up smart." I think it was a friend's parent or auntie who said that.

Of course, now I am over hear thinking of some of the things Mama would say that would have us laughing - whether we let her hear us laughing or not!

"Drunker than Cooter Brown" was one of the sayings. To this day, we have no idea who Cooter Brown was or even if he was a real person.

"Musty as a goat" was for someone with body odor.

"Looking like Sista Tuttah" was for when you were dressed slouchy or wearing your hair in a way Mama thought was unattractive. We have no idea who Sister Tuttah is.

"Sitting there with your jaws tight" was for when you called yourself mad or upset about something.

"Knock a knot on your behind" was the threat of a whipping. (And, no, it wasn't child abuse when Mama whipped us. We got it with her hand or a switch, and most kids back then got the same & we turned out just fine, thank you.)

"People in Hell want ice water" was for when you were not going to be getting something you asked for.

"Hello walls" was for rude people who walked into a room without speaking. So was, "I didn't sleep with you last night."

"Losing your manners" meant breaking wind. Maybe because you were showing a lack of manners by doing it around people.

When someone was rude enough to stare at you hard, the saying was "Trying to look the clothes off of me."

We kids had one we used for the adults because they could always seem to hear us no matter how quiet we tried to be: "Mama can hear a rat p*ss on cotton."

My mother had trouble with certain words also. She never said "Lion" but "Louns." Her and my father were a good match because he couldn't say the words "Neither" or "Either." He said "Neezer" and "Eezer." Don't ask. I have no idea why. This gene runs in the family because my sister doesn't say "Stickler" for a picky person. She has what I think is a better word: "Stick-u-lar." (Now doesn't that just make more sense for some reason? LOL)

Wow. I am so glad that this is a good day for my thinking and being able to communicate okay. I will have this post to look back on when I am having trouble with my thought processes. I hope you enjoyed it!

Peace
--Free

My Best Friend

I just wanted to give a shout out to my friend, Jone. This is for her!

I hope everyone has a best friend like I do. My best gal friend comes with a "break in case of emergency" feature! She is always there to laugh with me, cry with me, be silly with me and just be with me. She doesn't give up on me when I get moody & being a total pain in the rear. She is always happy for my successes and never jealous. She is always "real" and never phony. She tells me like it is - whether I like it or not, but only when she knows I can handle it. She lets me tell her like it is & appreciates it. She is funny and sweet and smart and kind. She wears whatever she wants, no matter what anyone else thinks. When we go out to eat, she gives the waiter silly names for us ("Her majesty, queen of Anchorage" or "Betherina"). She drives like a maniac, but will slow down when I start looking faint. She says things like "cool beans" and "groovy." She stands up for herself (and for me) but always treats people with compassion. She doesn't get mad easily and she is SO quick to forgive and pray for someone when they are being ridiculous. She reminds me to be the same way (even when I want to tell them they are ridiculous). She laughs at my jokes. She focuses on my good points and not the negative. She keeps my secrets and WILL judge me, but with love and guidance. When I got fat, she made me laugh about it, then gave me a bunch of clothes that fit. When I am worried about money, she offers what she has. When I am worried about tomorrow, she reminds me to be thankful for today. When I am wanting to be mean about something, she reminds me to play nice. When I get in a mood and don't want to be bothered, I can trust she will be there when I am feeling better. She prays with me and for me ALL THE TIME. Her life has not been easy, but she remains trusting and faithful in the Lord. (If she has ONE fault, it's that she is a complete no-nothing about all things internet! She does use email, though.)

When we first met, she told me it was a "God thing." She's got that right because God made her to order as a friend for me.


So, yeah, I hope everyone has a best friend like mine. 


If you have a friend like this, call them up just to say "Hi, I love ya!" When you can, buy them some candy or a book or do something that will make them smile. Make sure to cherish them because not everyone has a good friend like this.

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity (Prov17:17)

Peace
--Free

She Speaks!

I don't often plug things, but...

She Speaks is a great place for the ladies to check out product reviews, interact with other members and try products (often for free). If you have a blog, you can also join their blogger community.

I belong to the site and really like the interaction and being able to try new stuff (for free! lol).

(Notice my nifty new badge here on the page)

Maybe I will see you all over there...

Peace
--Free

Honoring Mom

Thinking about my mother and how I believe that we, as a family, children she raised, have let her down in so many ways.

Mom was the strength that held us together, made us want to love each other, mended rifts between us, kept us brothers and sisters, made us better parents, aunts and uncles. Now that she is gone, it's as though we have forgotten all that she taught us about being a family, love and respect and compassion.

\With all that she taught us, Mom should have been able to leave us knowing that we wouldn't forget or  put aside all those lessons, but we have. With her gone, there is nothing holding  us together, nothing keeping  us respectful of the elder ones and watchful over the younger ones. The older ones aren't passing along the basic manners and principles of respect, and the younger ones are not willing to remember or learn.

It makes me sad to think how disappointed Mom would be.

All I can do is keep honoring her by being the way she was and by dealing with things the way she would have. It's hard, but I'd rather keep honoring her than to forget, even though that would make things easier sometimes.

If your parents are still with you, listen to their lessons now. Start teaching the young people why those lessons are important and not to be discarded as they begin to think of themselves as "grown." Etch the wisdom of your parents in your heart now so that you will be saved a lot of grief later.

Remember that some things don't go out of fashion: manners, respect for elders, compassion for youth, family bonds and parental wisdom, If you forget this, one day you will  have children and learn what heartaches can be caused by the lack of these things.

Peace
--Free

Early Resolutions

Most folks wait until January to list their New Year resolutions, but, as you all can tell, I have been slowly working on mine for the last several months. I guess I can't call what I've come up with "resolutions" since those are usually things people intend or hope to do. I've come up with changes I've already made or am definitely making. (Matter of fact, I added one to the list after a wasted evening out: In other words, I won't be doing the family dinners out anymore.There was nothing in it for me to enjoy, so I would  have done better to go out with a friend. With a friend, I would  have had mutual conversation and something to look back on later as being pleasant. Tonight cost me money that could have been better spent and was a complete waste of time for me. If my mother were here, I think even she would tell me the same thing.)

So, other than that, here is the main list. *drum roll please* I resolve to:

• Know that God made me for and intends good things for me no matter what the present is like.
• Grow my faith more.
• Stop doing anything that doesn't make me feel right. No more "go along to get along" or "grin and bear it." 
• Start respecting myself no matter whether other people have the decency to do so or not.
• Spend more time and attention on those in my life who add joy and love. Less time and thought on those who don't. (I'm thinking of 3 dear friends who I've neglected a little)
• Find a way to express my creativity again. If this disease killed my writing ability, there is still something I can do. I need to find that and do it.
• Make plans to live more happily independent from family. I've been too close to them and need to concentrate on me and my happiness. That will let me enjoy the time I do spend with them more.
• Pray more every day. Spend real time on my spiritual life. Reading the Bible and going to church.
• Join a support group for this disease.
• Learn something new this year - an art or a technology.
• Return to keeping a paper and pen journal.
• Start a collection of stones. I might even make a hobby of collecting and polishing them. It's something I've wanted to do for years and never did.

And there are some that I know are typical: stop smoking, lose weight, etc. LOL.

I wonder what kinds of resolutions other people make. Not the ones they tell everyone about, but the ones that really mean something special to them. Hmmm.

Anyway, I am planning to be a stronger person in the coming year. I'm am already making inroads.

Here's to 2012 and the next however many years God grants me of life.

Peace
--Free

Finding My Happy Place

Okay, this is kind of funny, but it's also serious.

I always talk about my friend on here. Well, she is so much more than a friend. I should be paying her for therapy!

Lately, I had been going through some things, questioning my place in the world and thinking a lot about loyalty and recognition. Basically, I felt that I was not being recognized, or that I was purposely being "put" in a lower place in people's lives than I thought I deserved. I felt like the kid on the playground, trying to fit in with the cool kids and just wearing myself out.

Now, I'm sure my friend, who has all the patience and compassion in the world, got tired of me sitting on that pity pot. This morning, she put her foot down and just told me how it is.

She says that when people play games of manipulation and playing other people against one another, that's their problem and not mine. All they are doing is losing out, unless I keep playing along.

Wow. I didn't realize I had been playing along until I really thought about it.

So, now I have to learn to let it go, and that's not as hard as I thought it might be. I've started already. I have stopped trying to fit myself in where I am not invited. I use my energy on other things. My girlfriend said to think about what I am losing out on: Nothing. Not one thing. I now spend my energy on reciprocating attention on those who give it. As for the others,  I don't love them any less, but they will only get from me what they give. Matter of fact, I think I love them more this way.

How simple is this? And why didn't I see it?

I have to tell you, when my friend explained things this way, I felt like I was breathing new air. I felt sort of set free. When I think about the mental anguish and energy I've always put into these "games," I just can't believe it. Instead of trying to hang with the cool kids, I have to be my own kid. Other people can take it or leave it. Their loss, not mine.

The thing now is, trying to adjust to this new way of thinking. It's surprisingly pleasant, but it is different. I'm shedding years of my own neediness. I wasn't even aware of how pathetic I had to seem. I had given people power over me, whether they realized it or not... I feel like I have been given a gift of emotional peace.

I am reminded of something another friend told me years ago: "Where you are is where you are supposed to be."

My place in this world, in my family, in life, is not someone else's place. I am in my own place in life. Everyone is in their own place. The trick to being happy is learning to accept your spot and work from there.

One day I am going to ask my friend how she got to be so smart, but for now, I'm just happy that she is.

Peace
--Free

Wishes For Some

I was talking with my friend tonight after we'd both had a rough couple of days. I cried on her shoulder and she cried on mine. When she finished telling me about some of what she's been dealing with and how heartless her co-workers seem to be, I wanted to be angry. But, true to her good heart, she wanted to pray for them instead. She reminded me that while we are currently going through our trials, there are those who have their tough times yet to come. She said that we need to pray that they have the strength that God has given us.

She is right, I guess. I have heard of so many people just giving up, committing suicide or just losing themselves to insanity. God has been a rock and a refuge for us.

So, here is what my friend and I talked about wishing for some people:

We pray you never have heartache like we have had. That you don't have nights where you cry yourself to sleep, while trying to pray. We hope that you always have your health, your finances and your basic dignity. We pray that if you ever do need someone's help, that they do it without making you feel like a beggar. We pray that you don't ever have to wonder what on earth you will do tomorrow. We pray that your loved ones are healthy and your children are well. We pray that you don't ever cry tears that you just can't hold back. We pray that you never feel some of the things that people with trials and tribulation do. We pray that if you do have troubles, your faith remains intact. We pray that, no matter how bad things get, you have friends like we do and that you find something to smile about at least every day.

My mother used to say that if you live long enough you will have heartache. She said that sometimes when you think you've been through the worst, you will go through something more. Mom believed that people took their good times for granted. She taught us never to say "never" or "not me" or to talk about what you are going to do. She would tell us to say, "If the Lord is willing..." She'd tell us not to be arrogant about what you have or are able to do. I didn't really understand the lessons at the time, but I'm glad I paid attention. The way I treated people and talked back then has created blessings for me during these times of trouble. (Thank you, Mama.)

My friend and I pray together often. When we talked tonight and prayed, we decided that there are two types of people in the world: those who know they are not in control and those who think they are. We know that we are not in control - God is. No matter what I suffer, I am glad for that.

Peace
--Free

Photographic Evidence (Ch-ch-changes!)

As you all know, I was diagnosed with this disease from the sick mind of some evil genius gene or something. Anyway, I've talked here about the physical changes the medicines have caused - Predinisone = weight gain; the other meds = hair loss, etc... Well, once again, there's nothing like pictures.

This was me right back in August or so of 2010, trying on clothes for a job interview

I ended up not getting the skirt. I thought it was too form-fitting for an interview. The point I'm vain about is that I am at my average weight of around 145lbs...

Here are other photos where I am a normal (for me) weight & with all my hair...

June 2010 my birthday lunch

Also 2010 on back deck with nephew Dre (and I had put on about 15lbs here!)

 Dec 2009 Houston @ a friend's house, trying on the Christmas present from my big sister in Anchorage. (It's the same outfit I am wearing above)

 

And...THIS is late July 2011. I'd been on prednisone since the 4th. This was just the beginning!

My niece, who is very pregnant right now, isn't much bigger than I have become. Every time I go to the doctors' now, I've gained. I go once a month & I've gone from 160 to 173 to 185 to 192 this last visit... My doctor and I try to joke about it, but it does cause problems. My body was not built to carry this kind of weight. I am small-boned. We all change as we age, of course, but as an example of my normal body type: at 21 when I got married, my wedding dress was a size 0 - and it still had to be taken in. To this day, no one in the family - including the younger children - can get into that dress. Do you know what my back feels like right now, lugging around this prednisone belly??? LOL SMH

The wedding pic. Man, I wish I had been smarter back then. If so, I'd still be married today to a pretty decent guy...

Was I ever really this young?...

Sigh...

This was fun. Think I will have to do another one when I go through the family pictures.

Peace

--Free

Photographic Evidence (Weather)

Seeing beats hearing any day. Here's the weather I was complaining about a week or so ago:

The above is what the driveway looked like when I went out to shovel last week. HUGE amounts of snow.

This was the yard one morning after ANOTHER dumping of snow. (Mama would have LOVED this!)

This was a gorgeous morning treat. Too bad I only have my camera on the phone... :-(

And...drum roll, please.... THIS is looking out the upstairs window a few minutes ago...

My nephew took advantage of the first day of the warm weather and cleaned the drive down to the pavement. If only we'd known what we were in for, he could have just waited for it to melt down...

(Hey - I haven't done pics for a long time. I might have to do another quick post... right now! LOL)

Peace
--Free

You Have to Wonder

I'm sitting here feeling stunned by what's going on with our weather. (I know, I know - I have been harping about the weather lately!)

This is crazy. The wind has gotten up to 118 miles per hour in some areas here in Southcentral Alaska. Here in Anchorage, I can feel it shaking and battering the house. The strangest thing is that it's gotten to 40+ degrees. In November. In Anchorage.

Now, it's not unheard of (in my 40+ years here) for it to get to 30 degrees at times, but this kind of warmth is just unreal. I might be wrong, but I can't remember this kind of anomaly happening in years.

If my mother were here, she'd be telling us about the End Times. My mom was hilarious. She grew up in a culture where people respected the weather and related it to things they were taught in church. For instance, I remember hearing her talk about the angels rejoicing or the Devil beating his wife - depending on whether it was raining while the sun shined or thundering and lightening.

I think I already told you how we kids had to get somewhere and sit down when the weather got bad. At my grandmother's house, you weren't going to move, talk or think in color if there was a thunder storm. "Big Mama," as we called her, wasn't going to have anything electric running during a storm. She'd make us go around unplugging stuff. We'd all gather in the front room with Big Mama keeping watch. She had a switch handy so she could switch one of us if we moved or acted up.

It sounds funny now, but I liked the idea of that kind of respect for the weather. My parents and grandparents knew that the weather is the work of the Lord, so the respect was really for Him. It's a good thing no one watched a lot of tv back then, because in Texas, there was a storm every other minute. Probably that why we kids didn't watch a lot of tv. No electricity around our house! lol

It would be interesting to know what Mom would think about this weather. She loved wintertime so she'd probably be upset that all the snow is melting so close to Christmas. She loved Christmas and she didn't enjoy snow-less ones. (The one Christmas we spent in Arizona was such a disappointment to her that she was a little depressed.)

Since I'm mentioning Mom and the weather, I will remind you of something I've posted about before:

As I've said, Christmas was Mom's favorite holiday. She loved having the house decorated with lights outside and all the trimmings inside. Decorating our tree was not a family project. Mom did that and you'd have thought she was DaVinci the way she worked on it. When she was done, it was beautiful. She could tell if anyone moved even one tiny ornament. Anyway, one year, as a gift to her, we had someone come and hang lights on the outside of the house so they would not have to come down at the end of the season.  There was an inside switch for us to turn them off til next time. We had the lights for quite a few years and when Mom passed away - in April - we all came from the hospital to find that the lights were turned on. We thought that maybe our neighbor had done it in honor of Mom, but she came over to ask if we had had someone turn them on. We never figured out what happened, but we all like to think that the Lord had something to do with it. A way for Mom to say goodbye.

So... didn't mean to wander so off point.

I hope that wherever you guys are, the weather is behaving. Stay safe and try to enjoy.

Peace
--Free

Momentary Thoughts

I really hope that this is just a mood I'm in today, but I am seriously considering getting back with my husband.

Whew! Never thought I'd hear myself say that. Never thought I would even THINK it.

My husband and I are separated because of his verbal abuse and his tendency to lie every time his lips moved. He is an alcoholic, whether he is still drinking or not (I don't know).

But.

He was mine.

After everything we have been through, at least he has not just forgotten me. He still calls almost every day - not that I answer. He sincerely cares, he just doesn't know how to be a good husband. Maybe God can fix that.

Everybody, I think, needs to know they have someone. No one is meant to be completely alone in this world. It's why God gave Adam an Eve. I believe it's why God promised He would not leave us as orphans.

I don't know. We'll see. Maybe if money is not such a huge problem for us, things will be better. I think I have to decide which is the worst feeling: being alone or being with someone who is not always at his best.

This is a prayer situation. Or maybe it's just a momentary thought.

Peace
--Free

Random-ness

This is what I get for complaining about the snow and cold... The temp jumped to over 35 degrees & there is just a MESS out there on the roads. Some of us over on G+ were sharing weather complaints the other day, but that's when I was just complaining in general! LOL

Speaking of G+, oh how I dig it. Had a couple of little glitches at first, but now I have the hang of (most) of it. Best of all, there is so much interaction. I know that I had said I wasn't going to have a bunch of random people on my stream like I did with Facebook, but G+ is different - SOOO different. People don't have to know each other to touch bases. If someone posts an interesting news article and I "share" it, we'll both get discussions going on from both our "circles." It's an cool way to keep up on stuff and learn about things. (Nicest of all, I have circled & been circled by someone with a disease similar to my own. Good support for both of us.)

Health wise, I'm having a rough week. This cold is a fierce little annoyance. I can't tell when I'm having a Sarc cough or just a cold cough... I slept most of yesterday. I could not have gotten up if someone was giving away free diamonds... Little better today, still feeling draggy, but, hey, I'm alive.

Well, not much to post about today. I'm going to wander over and check out the blogs I'm following. Make it a good day, all!

Peace
--Free

Tag, You're "It"

Can I just be a big old whiny brat for a minute here?

I don't have an available shoulder to cry on right now, so... Tag, you guys are "It."

This has been the worst couple of days I've had in a while. And I have had some baaad days!

Yesterday, I fell while shoveling the driveway. Nothing hurt but the left side of my pride. Today, I wrenched my shoulder while chopping ice. While I was in the bathroom later on, I noticed some new spots on my face. I'm wondering if these are the skin granules that come with Sarcoidosis. Hopefully not. Might just be from dry skin. (I mean, did I not already complain that God has taken everything I used to be vain about: my hair, my figure, my thought processes. Now my skin is going to be all crazy looking?)

Anyway, back to this horrendous day.

My sister had a little day surgery planned for today. Nothing major (thank God), but poor thing, she had to do the medical fast from last night to - well, let's see, it's 8:00pm now and we got home about 30 minutes ago. I felt so bad for her because this was truly a nightmare of a day.

The surgery was scheduled for 2pm and we had to be at the hospital by noon. We are on time and ready to go. I'm promising my sister all kinds of coffee and food the minute she can roll out of recovery and work her lips.

Yeah, well...

Apparently this was the day for every emergency or mishap or whatever could back up things in the operating rooms. The poor doctor was just going into another surgery at the time that he was supposed to be getting ready for my sister. Our 2pm surgery didn't get started until about 4:20pm. And of course, we can't just cruise on home because that would mean this day wasn't the absolute crappiest. No, we have to go by the pharmacy - not that my sister really needed the pain meds at the moment; the pain will probably kick in later - because I have meds that I can't be without and my sister has meds she can't be without... (Oh, when we all get to Heaven where there will be no illness!)

So, I get to Walmart and go to pick up all the meds. Well, there's 3 of them that are so expensive that they're just going to have to wait a few days. The ones that are ready and - ahem - reasonably priced still come up to over $50 with insurance and every discount program known to man... I just about felt sick to my stomach - until I realized that might require more meds...

I am just done in. I'm so tired that I forgot I was hungry. My legs hurt from lugging all this 190 pounds around when they were built to carry a max of 140. My eyes are irritated and starting to itch. My shoulder is achy. If I could, I'd curl up in a ball and just wait for the Rapture.

Good news is, now that I got all that off my chest, I feel slightly better. Once again, I am reminded of God's command and promise: "Be still and know that I am God."

He knows what kind of day I've had and He knows how I feel right now. He knows and I am thankful. Praise God.

Peace
--Free

Acceptance & Stllness

It's never too late to learn and never too late to fix things within yourself. Part of giving your life to Christ is learning that you put away old things and take on the new. We are new in Christ.

It's difficult to go against so much of what you learned from a child up. It seems almost wrong to go against the grain that way. All my life I was taught that family is everything. Blood is thicker than water and all that. If what was good for the family was different than what was good for me, I was taught to defer to the family situation. And I did. I never questioned it.

For my most productive years - my mid-twenties to my forties - my sister, my mother and I kept what I will call the "base camp" of the family. Our house was the hub. It's where "Grammy" was, so it's where the rest of the family came for comfort, safety, wisdom and love. Mom was Grammy, of course. My sister was the "lap," and I was the worker bee and sometime disciplinarian. It was a good life. I never thought it should be any other way.


Sacrifices are not seen as costing anything. They are treasures built up for memories.


For a long time - in fact until recently - I was blindly assuming of what my place is in memories. I thought that all those little treasures would mean something. My little brother and I have discussed this before. His theory is that people don't cherish what they took for granted. I'm still undecided.

Outside my family, I've had a few very dear friends. The kind that stay in your life forever. I've since made one of those friends. So, I had family and I had friends. I thought I had built up a treasury of bonds and ties and memories.

After I got sick, I had tons of emotional support from a girlfriend here in town, another friend in Holland and another friend in Texas. It was nothing big or flashy, but they called, they sent random text messages and jokes and emails. In their own ways, they were letting me know that I truly mattered to them, that I would be missed. One of them just the other day sent me a joke about being fat and beautiful. (I had sent her a pic of my with all this weight!)

I appreciated that love so much that I didn't notice the absence of anything else. For most of July and August, I think I was in shock from everything that had happened (I had nightmares for a few weeks about death and dying) and just didn't pay attention. But when I did, I noticed the phone calls that didn't come. Amazingly enough, some of these were people that I would have died for, and that I had sacrificed time and years and life desires for... I had to decide how to deal with the disappointment.

There was a time when this would have just undone me. I mean, it would have devastated me down to my soul. If it had happened before I re-committed my life to the Lord, I don't think I could have handled it. I've noticed that most of the worst has happened when I have the strength of Christ to lean on.

What happened in this case is that I was forced to take a look at life as it really is and not the way I've always wanted it to be. I can't be bitter or mad or resentful.You can't change who you are - not to yourself and not the other people. You can accept it.

How simple is that? When the thought of acceptance came to me, I thought of Psalm 46:10 - "Be still and know that I am God."

That is one of the most beautiful verses in the Bible to me because it is an answer to everything.

So I have learned to be accepting. I don't push myself into the center of things anymore, hungry for acknowledgment. I don't sit and wonder why or why not. I don't regret anything I have done for anyone else. I don't feel the depression from the sense of not being on someone's radar. I just accept. 

I have learned to be still and know that God is God.

So, if you are out there, feeling rejection or being passed by in this world, please don't. Try to accept and be strong enough to hold on to God's promises. This life is temporary. It's not eternity.

Revelation 21:4 tells us of one of those promises:
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Trust on that.

Peace
--Free

Free of Facebook

Finally broke free of that demon Facebook! lol.

They don't make it easy to leave. I was forced to give a reason (just selecting "Other" would not do), so I type gibberish in the box. I feel like I shouldn't have to explain or give a reason. It's a website not a relative or spouse...Then I had to reload the captcha (or whatever those security letters are called) twice before I could even read the letters. I think that's their  THEN I had to notice the little tiny sentence about opting out of receiving mails from Facebook. Really? I have to tell you to leave me alone? Didn't I just break up with you???

What tedium. I'm pretty sure I will have nightmares about being pursued by the ghost of Facebook.

Still loving Google+ Even though my circles are small, I like that I can check out people's art, photos, musings and ideas without a lot of hassle. I'm waiting for Google to develop a better way to search + by interests. Right now, I have to use the basic bar search which brings up too many results. Other than that though, I'm fine with it.

I guess I'm cleaning out my internet closet. As of now, I have Google+, Twitter, Blogger and Bloggers, and a couple of smaller and random networks I participate in. I want to start integrating all my blogs that I have scattered all over the web.

I need to find out how UrbanPerspective and MrsCooper have their web stuff organized....

For now, as always

Peace
--Free

Thinking About Mom

I don't believe in ghosts or anything like that so I have never wished I could see dead relatives or friends, but last night something really nice happened to me.

I went to bed feeling sick with this stupid cold, feeling alone just from the world and wishing so much that I could just spend a few minutes with my mother.

When I was about 21 or 22, after I had left my first husband and come home, I went through a kind of identity crisis. I felt like I was just wandering through life. I didn't know what I wanted or what I wanted to do with myself. I think I went around for about a month feeling like this - just going to work, coming home, going to sleep, waking up and doing it all over again.

My mother (like most mothers, I guess) could tell that I was dealing with something deep. We are not a kissy-huggy type of family. My mother was not the type to ask you what you were feeling. It just was not her way.

What she did was, she was sitting on the couch (I think she was shelling peas or something) and when I came into the room, she patted the seat next to her. I went over and sat down and she just put her arm around me and pulled me  onto her shoulder. And I just bawled.

Mama didn't say anything, but I told her something like I felt lost. I can't remember what I said exactly, but it was something like, "I don't know who I am."

My mother told me that I was her baby girl. She said that's all I needed to be.

I never told anyone about this at the time. I think I was embarrassed. Not long before, I had had a little bit of an emotional meltdown with my sister and I'm sure she told Mama about it.

I forgot all about this happening. I don't know why because I think about my mother almost every single day.

Anyway, last night I dreamed about that very thing. The details aren't clear, but it was basically a dream about that moment with my mom.

I woke up this morning feeling better than I have for a long time. I think that God knew I needed to have that memory of my mother. It's going to help me get through a lot of stuff, and I know I have a hard road ahead of me, so I'm glad.

When my mother passed away and family came home for the funeral, we shared memories of my mom. My aunt Lizzie told us how much she loved Mama. I remember something she said to us: "Your mother had a hard life early on, so I'm glad she had a good life later."

I am my mother's baby girl. I am my mother's daughter. I am having a hard time right now, but I will have a good life later.

Peace

--Free

Thanks Given

Thanksgiving this year was good for me. I am learning to accept things and be okay with them. Life is what it is and it's futile to try to make it something else. Learning that lesson has been painful, but it's one I am thankful for.

I am thankful for coming closer to the Lord. Of course, the closer I get, the brighter His light shines on my life - exposing the best and the worst!

Believe it or not, I was even a little thankful for the snow yesterday. One of my web buddies was complaining that 70 degree weather is not nice this time of year. I get it. Don't think that I would want that kind of temp at Thanksgiving or Christmas - but I could sure use it most of the rest of the year! LOL

I am also thankful for memories of my mother. Whenever feel alone and lost, which has been a lot these days, I can think of Mom and her strength and know that I am her child. If she could deal with bad things in life, and she had to, so can I.

I am thankful for my friend Jone. She has been a true, true blessing. (She reminds me that when we first met, we really kinda didn't click for a couple of days!) I don't know how I would have survived the last few months without her friendship. Even now she is such a rock of encouragement and validation that I appreciate.

I am thankful for my doctor. What a kind, compassionate person he is. I'm sure that there are many doctors who are as good, but I lucked out in getting him.

I am thankful for the team of people working with me to get through this treatment and the aftermath to come. Julie and Ranae and Jaime and all the others. So glad for their patience and empathy.

I am glad for my sister. My rock. She gets it. She gets me.

I am glad that my little brother lived through his crisis and is here to see another year.

I am glad for this blog and the friends I have made through it. Some blessings come to us in different ways. It still surprises me that I have met people through this blog that I am in touch with almost 6 years later. (And I miss some folks, like Supasister, who are dealing with their own deep, deep feelings. I know she is out there though, and I know she will be back.)

Most of all, I am thankful for something my aunt taught me: everyday should be thanksgiving and we should love and care everyday like we do on the one day.

So, lots to be thankful for. Lots to be hopeful and grateful for. Praise God for his gifts to us.

Peace
--Free