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Wednesday, November 02, 2011

5 Things A Married Woman Should Consider

When I did a post a couple years back on 6 Things Women (I) Want, I didn't follow up with a post for the ladies. Here it is now. In it I am speaking to Christians who went or are going into marriage as the Bible teaches. I realize that many couples are like I was and entered marriages that were broken before they were made. These things I mention are what I would have considered had my situation been better. If not for the abuse in my marriage, I would have considered these things before separating. I hope this post is a blessing to others.

Pride - Not worldly pride, but loving pride, if you can call it that. Whatever you call it, it's what will make you present your best to the world as a man's woman. It's what will make you want to represent yourself well as a Christian and married woman. Comb your hair, clean your clothes, keep your home clean. Keep your words clean. No Christian woman needs to be known for her ability to curse well, talk loud or cut someone down.

Hardworking - Don't be that woman who thinks being pampered is a ticket to laziness. If you both work outside the home, you both still have a home to care for. Take the time to prepare his meals, do his laundry and make the home nice. His job is to the the "man stuff" (and don't let the world trip you up with talk of sexism), your job is to do the "lady stuff." What's wrong with having feminine and masculine roles? If you want to start buying into what the world says about sexism gender roles, just look at where it's gotten us. If you are the sole breadwinner and there is no reason why he shouldn't be helping out, then something is wrong already.

Respect -  For your husband as your husband, a man, and a father. The world might not respect him, but he's not married to the world. Don't emasculate him. Don't parent him. Don't manipulate him. Don't try to rule over and be the "head" in the marriage.

Be his wife- You are not his "old lady" or "current thing," you are his wife. You are joined as one flesh. Don't live your marriage as if it is a temporary situation. You are married to him and not to anyone else. Your goal should not be to attract other men because you have the only man you need to be concerned with. I heard one minister remark that many woman make church leaders their "daddy" or "father." He is so right when he points out that this is disrespectful to a woman's husband and that it's not biblical. You are not married to your pastor, bishop, reverend or whoever. Your husband is your head in your home and family.

Be Feminine -  Again, don't listen to what the world says about gender roles. Assuming the man married you because you are a woman, be a woman and let him be a man. Don't try to take on his duties in the home. If he can't do something well at first, he can learn. He can't learn if you are always taking over and doing them for him. Be womanly and desirable to him. If his heart is right with the Lord, he won't take advantage or abuse that situation.

2Wives, be subject (be submissive and adapt yourselves) to your own husbands as [a service] to the Lord.    23For the husband is head of the wife as Christ is the Head of the church, Himself the Savior of [His] body. 24As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands.
    25Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26So that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word, 27That He might present the church to Himself in glorious splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such things [that she might be holy and faultless]. 28Even so husbands should love their wives as [being in a sense] their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. 29For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and carefully protects and cherishes it, as Christ does the church, 30Because we are members (parts) of His body.
    31For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32This mystery is very great, but I speak concerning [the relation of] Christ and the church. 33However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [[a]that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and [b]that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly]. Eph 5:22-33

Peace
--Free

FLASHBACK: 6 Things Women (I) Want In A Man

Looking back on posts I did prior to renewing my commitment to Christ, I see so much that I would like to amend. I will be doing that in a series of "Flashback" post.

I did one post a couple years ago called "6 Things Women (I) Want In A Man." I really don't want to change much about it except to advice readers to look at Ephesians5 and add a couple of points:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, (Eph 5:22-33 ESV)

 Be someone she can submit to and feel safe in doing so.

Be the head without being big-headed.

Love her as Christ loves us.

When I wrote the original post, I don't think I followed up on my promise to do a post for the ladies. That's coming up!

In My Sarc Shoes

You know that old saying about walking a mile in someone's shoes, right? Well, I'm learning what it is to walk a mile in the shoes of someone with a chronic illness.

I wasn't going to post about it because I've been trying to be all "keep your head up" about it. When a Twitter friend asked me about how I was doing, I almost gave the usual polite response until it dawned on me that speaking up might help others. I have run across other blogs and forums where people have spoken up about their experience with Sarc and that's helped me. So, my turn.

When I was first diagnosed I was told how rare Sarcoidosis is supposed to be, but within weeks of telling people I had it, I found out about 3 people in my area who also have it. One person is a guy I used to work with, another is an acquaintance of his and still another is a member of a family I am fairly close to. Later I learned that possibly tens of thousands of people in the U.S. alone may suffer from it.

There's no relief in knowing that I am not alone or part of some minority. It would be easier, I think, to have some disease that's more well-known - both for the treatment and the understanding. What's most frustrating about dealing with the effects of Sarc is that no one seems to really understand what it feels like. If I had, say, diabetes or had suffered a stroke, at least people could empathize when I described a symptom. In the case of Sarc even I don't know all the symptoms so I'm constantly worried.

The other day I just went into the bathroom and cried for half an hour. Why? Well, let's see, my back aches and I don't know why. My eyes feel swollen and itchy and sometimes are red for hours. And I don't know why. When I walk for any amount of time, my legs get tired and heavy and I'm worn out like I've run a marathon. And I don't know why. I break out into sweats at any given moment. And I don't know why. Worst of all, my brain seems to go on hiatus at various times, making me feel completely stupid and incompetent. And I don't know why. I feel so cranky all the time. And I don't know why. I feel great for a time and then fatigue slams into me like a wall. And I don't know why. Parts of my face, arms and legs go numb for whatever reason... Don't even get me started on what the medication does to me. The prednisone has me swollen to 40-plus pounds over my usual weight. The methrotrexate has my hair dry and falling out. My cuticles are dry, cracky and they hurt to touch anything.

I'm only 50 years old. I feel some days as if I am going on 80.

My best comfort has been in talking with the guy I used to work with. I find myself calling him up or texting him to ask ridiculous things like "Do you get the really horrible back ache for no reason?" Or, "This sounds crazy, but do you lose your train of thought right in the middle of doing something?" And I can't tell you how relieved I feel when he can say that the same thing happens to him. With other people, I don't think they take serious how scared it makes me feel. They care but they don't understand. How can they when I don't understand it either.

So, I am walking that mile. And it's so hard. It's hard not to feel sorry for myself. It's hard not to be upset at people who just seem to be clueless about how I feel.

That's all the bad stuff. Now, the blessings:

I know that God has a plan. He's never let me go through anything without a lesson. So, what have I learned or gotten out of this nightmare of Sarc?

I have been humbled, which is never a bad thing! I have gained compassion for anyone dealing with an illness or some other situation out of their control. I have been forced to do more praying and thinking and sitting still. I have received kindness and support from unlikely sources. I have learned to appreciate the things I can still do.

Most of all, I appreciate being humbled. One of my sins was my ego. It was easy for me to look at a person who didn't have what I had or wasn't able to do what I could do and dismiss them. I'd shrug them off as not worthy. I didn't consider what might have brought them to the place they were at and was holding them there. Now I understand that, for all I knew, God might have been working on them the way He is working on me. I've learned not to try to be all-knowing about people and their situation. I've learned that I am not as wise as I might like to think! lol

God has had to break me to make me.

Whew! I think I feel better getting all that off my chest. In the meantime, I hope that my Christian brothers and sister will pray for me. Pray that God's will be done.

Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance.
    And endurance (fortitude) develops maturity of character (approved faith and tried integrity). And character [of this sort] produces [the habit of] joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation.
    Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us. (Romans 5:3-5)


Peace
--Free

Friday, October 21, 2011

Getting Back In Shape

Sooo... I am on this "diet." LOL

After going from 145 pounds in July up to 185 now, my doctors have lowered the dose of steroids they have me taking. Maybe now I can start losing some of this weight I've put on. Not for vanity sake, but just so that I can get around better, feel more comfortable and, hopefully, get rid of the awful backaches I've been having. My little old frame just was not built to carry this much flesh!

I'm not really doing a specific diet, just keeping things to moderate levels. My main intake consists of cereals, oatmeal and yogurt. Oh, and coffee!

The yogurt has been the easiest to adjust to. I just take some plain Greek yogurt and mix in a little bit of some flavored yogurt. I can eat that several times a day, no problem. Oatmeal I also love, but it gets a little boring.

I'm really hoping that the pounds will come off now that the steroids are lowered. Man - I cannot even remember the days when I struggled to keep 120 pounds on myself! The days of sizes 0, 2 and 4 are LONG gone. I had to break down and get a pair of jeans the other day and I ended up with a size 14... The only thing loose are the legs of them.

But I am thankful. I am still here, not felled by this disease or some worse one. I am still able to voice my prayers to God, still able to see His holy Word, and still able to jump and shout in joy.

When I get past a lot of the physical stuff, I guess I will update the picture I use for my online presence. That one I have up is almost 8 years old, I think!

Keep me in your prayers, all.

Peace
--Free

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Monday, February 06, 2006

February 6, 2006.

That was when I first started this blog. My FIRST blog. My very first post was "Introducing Free Being Free." I was about to leave Alaska and move to Arizona. My life was a scrambled puzzle and I was using the blog for comfort, advice, attention... Whatever.

I was such a different person then. Calling myself a Christian but not living like one. Lonely but not wanting to seek the right things in my life. I could have been settled, but I wasn't content.

If I could go back and do things differently, I would still have sold the house my sister and I owned, but I would not have gone to Arizona. I would not have ended up mixing family with business.  I would not have gotten married again.

Woulda, shoulda, coulda...

But who knows - my life might have been better as far as material things, but I might not have come this far in my walk with Christ. I think I needed the bad times and the heartache to get here. I needed to fall to my knees to call out to God. If that's it, then it's all been worth it.

I have to tell you, I thought about deleting some of the more revealing posts. I didn't like looking back at some parts of what I've gone through. Wanted to cover up a lot of the "old" me so that it wouldn't reflect badly on the reborn me. But, no. It's out there and maybe it needs to be. Maybe someone who is going through their own changes will be able to relate to it and use it to see what Christ can do to transform a life. Forgive me for the foul language and the worldly attitude of that "old" me.

So, still here. I am truly Free and I thank God for that.

Peace
--Free

Update on Newest Blog

Have finally come up with a name I like for the newest blog: Friend or Faux.

Feel free to check it out, but only if you really want to think about your Christian walk.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

What Is Your Joy Based On?

(Wrote this on my phone the other day in the middle of waiting for a doctors' appointment. It was on my mind because of how I see so many people feign joy.)

Don't use what makes you happy to make someone else sad.

I know people who can never be happy unless they compare their joy with a negative in someone else's situation. If they get a new toy, it's not just a good toy, it's better than so-and-so's. If they accompliish something positive it's because they were smarter than someone else...

You know the type, maybe. They are ecstatic about some good fortune of theirs until they can't beat someone else over the head with it. You can almost see them deflate, their joy seeping out of them...

And it's not that their toy isn't better or that they weren't smarter - it's that their joy probably wouldn't exist without someone else's lack of joy. What kind of pleasure is that?

Joy should be, I think, a completely positive thing. If your joy is based on comparisms to what someone else is or has, then REAL joy will forever be out of your reach.

Only someone who is, at their inner self, unhappy needs this - call it Competition Joy or Showoff Joy. What will happen to them when others have more than them? Will they be able to find joy in their lives when they have no one else's situation to look down over?

No, joy should be what it is: just joy for itself. Joy in your best times and in your worst times. God-given and pure.

We should never focus on someone else's misfortune in order to see our own joy. My being able to fill my home with roses is nice, but not if I use it to point out the stink in someone else's home.

Just saying.

Peace
--Free

Sunday, October 09, 2011

Man Worship?

When Steve Jobs died the other day, I wasn't too surprised at all the news and comments. He was kind of a big deal.

I was surprised when the news and comments kept going and going.

People on social networking sites were admitting to being depressed and "devastated" by the loss of this man. Someone on my twitter line spoke of going out "right now" to buy a black turtleneck. In spite of someone having died, I almost had to laugh at the silliness of it.

We saw this same thing with Michael Jackson. I'm sure we'll see it again when another "star" of the world passes. Just like with Michael Jackson, I was disturbed by the way so many people were reacting about the death of someone they don't personally know - other than his products. I hope that since so many people admired him, the Christians in that crowd had prayed for him all along to be saved.

What really got me was how many Christian people seemed to be in deep grieving. I see where pastors and other church leaders had to chime in and talk about his innovation and genius and contributions to society. Of the Christians, I didn't see where many brought up the fact that they hoped he died in salvation. (The man was a Buddhist, not a Christian.) I didn't hear a cry of hope that he had, at the last minute, accepted Christ. But I heard plenty about his "genius" and ability to anticipate tech needs...

Okay.

But just a thought: if a man like Steve Jobs - who, as it seems to be, was a very smart man but maybe not the nicest - could be worshiped like this, what would it take for us to worship anyone?

Maybe it's just me, but I have to wonder if the Antichrist came along, would we be so easily impressed? I mean, let him invent something better than the i-products and we'd probably fall down in a stupor of gratitude.

Yeah, I know, I'm being a little simplistic, but...

Watch yourselves, people. Don't be so quick to be blinded by the outer of a person that you don't pay attention to the inner.

By the way, out of all the accolades heaped upon Steve Jobs, I found this one article (so far) that takes a closer look at the man and the company. (And, yes, I can tell that the author is peeved that Jobs products provided a lockout on a lot of lascivious material - which I applaud!)

Peace
--Free

Saturday, October 08, 2011

I Don't Like Change!

I've said it before and I'll probably say again the next time something happens:

I DON'T LIKE CHANGE!

I have someone in my family who just got a great opportunity to grow and spread her wings, so to speak. The only problem is: she has to leave the state to pursue this.

Booooo!

As you can tell, I am being so very mature about the whole thing. I can't help it. I don't like being apart from family - not even when they tap dance on my very last good nerve. I like having them around and close by.

I think I got this trait from my mother. She liked having her brood all around her. We always had big, full homes and holidays. When a crisis hit, we were mostly close by to all pull together. Good time and bad times, I remember lots of food, lots of family and just lots of love (or something like it).

*sigh*

I just had to get that off my chest. Matter of fact, I am procrastinating. I'm supposed to be over at this relative's house right now to help her get packed up for the move. Um, yeah. I'll get over there in a minute... LOL

So, change.

I'll go along with it (I have no choice), but I won't like it.

Peace
--Free

Sunday, October 02, 2011

Not Here, Over There

LOL


I am trying to direct more attention to my other blog right now. It is still very new, but has lots of posts already. It's links to news stories with my commentary (and yours, if you want). I know that it would get more attention if it was about sex, drugs or rock and roll, but it's not. The blog is focused on the daily life of Christians living in and impacted by the world.


Check it out and spread the word. (I will continue posting here on Being Free also.)

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Memories & Vision

I remember having a conversation with my sister and one of my brothers about which ability we would lose if we had to choose one.  My sister has already lost her legs and my brother is losing his voice. I think I said I just didn't want to lose my sight. At the time I didn't know about my impending sarcoidosis. How things change!

The sarcoidosis has really impacted my eyesight and my memory. I have to see an ophthalmologist soon to get a prognosis on my vision, but in the meantime, I am really having struggles with my memory.

I can't tell you how frustrating it is to have memory problems. I have one of those weekly pill sorters with slots for morning, noon, evening and bedtime. Believe me, I couldn't manage my meds without it. Yesterday, I had to call in some refills and, so, I left a couple of days worth of meds unsorted. Just a minute ago, I was taking my noon meds and could not remember if I'd taken my morning meds or not. I'm pretty sure I did sort the ones for today. I'm pretty sure that the reason I got confused is because I thought today was Friday and not Thursday... At any rate, this is just another one of those memory flubs.

Whenever I park in a lot, I hope the rows are numbered so I can remember where I left the car. Unless I take mental note of the row number and then forget! (I'm starting to write it down these days.)

There are so many times when I can't remember the smallest thing. I've been doing some sewing projects. If I stop to go to the bathroom, when I come back, I find myself looking to see where I sat the needle and thread.

Some days (or moments) are better than others. Sometimes I have no trouble remembering my phone number or zip code or year of the car I drive. Some days I do.

The most inconvenient thing is when I am driving to a familiar place and forget how to get there.

Going to the clinic where I have my appointments or to the kidney center where my sister gets treatment - these should be imprinted on my brain. I have had several instances when I start driving and get lost in my mind. I usually just keep driving until the memory of directions kicks in. I think the only reason I don't forget how to get to Walmart is that it's a straight shot! Unless I have to go the other location in a different part of town.

My eyesight is still decent. I have my glasses and they still work. I worry about the feeling of pressure behind my eyes though. If you've ever had your eyes dilated, you might be familiar with what I'm talking about: a tightness and a sense of muscle fatigue just around the area. I'm not sure I want to know what the eye doc is going to have to tell me.

*sigh*

So, eyesight or memory? Looks like I might be losing both.

Peace
--Free

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Unseen Blessings

I was just thinking about the many blessings God grants us throughout our day that we don't even notice:

  • The sickness we didn't get.
  • The step we took and didn't fall.
  • The car wreck we almost had.
  • The money that didn't get delayed or lost in the mail when we really needed to have it.
  • The job we didn't lose.
  • The breath we did take!
See?

So many things that we missed and that could have just ruined our day or that could've changed our life. Things that did or didn't have to happen.

Whenever I have to take care of business and get a really helpful and courteous customer service rep, I make sure to let them know that I appreciate them. Sometimes, I report their good service to a higher up. I usually tease them that no one minds reporting bad service very few take time to report the good. That's they way it is with our blessings.


So often, we get rushed by everyday life and forget to stop and thank God for the times when he saved us from doing something stupid or dangerous or careless. Many times, we don't think about what He has saved us from going through.

The other day, I was checking my meager and dwindling funds and worrying about how broke I am. I am really living a little on the edge - what with doctors' bills, hospital bills, upcoming necessary medical tests, prescriptions... I don't know how I did it, but I kept going and going until I had really worked myself into a state of anxiety and despair! I was in the car, idling at a red light, with tears about to fall, and I looked over and saw a homeless -looking alcoholic. How much worse off are so many people, I thought. That poor man probably was estranged from friends and family, lost in his disease and maybe not even caring that he is in that awful situation. Yet, he was smiling.

Wow. The Devil is smart.

I shook myself and remembered all the blessings I do have. I had to remind myself that I was going to be sleeping in a bed that night, loved and surrounded by family. The bills aren't keeping me from getting at least some medical help. My disease doesn't have me living on the streets. Somehow, with the help of family and friends, I am able to get my prescriptions. I am not (for the most part, yet) out of my mind. I even had to remember that I was driving a car and not having to walk to where I needed to go.

Blessings too many to count!

But, see, one of the tricks of Satan is to keep us focused on what we think God isn't doing for us. What we need to remember is that, because we are His children, God knows us and our needs. He has seen the beginning and the end of our story. He has His reasons for what he does. (Now, we make trouble for ourselves at times, just by trying to go our own way! And, still, God forgives and loves us.)

So, the next time I feel sorry for myself, I hope I can remember how much I have to be thankful for. One day, this race will be over and we will be Home. For now, let's remember to count those unseen blessings.

Peace
--Free

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Living Ourselves To Death

Life could be so much simpler than it is. Mankind seems to thrive on complicating things and creating chaos.

That's the thought that came to me while I was having to scurry to take care of some crucial business this morning. In a better world, I would have gotten up feeling rested and read my morning Bible verse with a prayer before getting on with my day. Instead, I woke up feeling overwhelmed and rushed.

We live in a world where everything is truly a race to be won. I think of it as "living ourselves to death."

You take something as simple as clothing. Clothing is there to cover our nakedness. Simple, except we don't see it that way. We've made an industry of it. You can't just cover yourself, you have to wear certain colors and textures to suit the occasion. Instead of all clothing being decent and acceptable overall, we've made it almost socially mandatory to wear certain things for certain occasions.

We can't just have transportation. We have to have a certain type of car or truck, in  a certain color (which changes from year to year like some kind of "fashion statement.") Even if you have a certain model, you might have the less desirable style... Really? Isn't the whole point of transportation is safely getting from one place to another? Why should it matter so much what kind of status or fashion statement we are making? It's so silly.

We humans are such strange creatures. We can't have anything without trying to up the ante.  We can't just have soap to be clean, healthy and less offensive. Couldn't stop there. Nope. We have to add other smells and additives. We don't want bodies that are simply clean. We have to have skin that feels one way or another. And in the end it's still just skin. With all the smells that add to lotions and soaps these days, I don't remember what a real piece of fruit or spice actually smells like if I haven't had it for a while. My nose is confused! LOL

Hair is just hair if you have it.  It covers the head. I don't know how we got to the point where we will sew it into our scalps, weave it onto what we already have, spend thousands of dollars and so much time into beating it into our will.

We have to make an industry out of everything.

I know that we need some of the things we have made. We want to be comfortable and clean and healthy, but we just have to take everything from the simple to the extreme to the silly.

We take everything & put man-made standards on it to complicate it, put out of reach of some or make it into a status symbol. We don't know how to be content and comfortable for long before we start dreaming up ways to give ourselves something else to worry about.

And the result of all of it? We create stress for ourselves. We create self-esteem issues. If you are too poor to keep up with certain "standards," or born with the odd color of skin or hair or body type, you end up in counseling and therapy.

The saddest thing is that we have forgotten how to put the brakes on. We get so caught up and carried away by the stream of social movement that we don't stop and wonder why. All the time and money and effort we waste on the silliest things would be better used in our being courteous to fellow human beings and good stewards of what we have.

We have forgotten to use our hearts as much as we have learned to use our heads.


We could just be simply living, but we invent ways to keep busy with being complicated. It's such a cycle of "enough is not enough."

A big effect of all this is that we adjust ourselves to the messes we make. For instance, instead of having people who are brutal, jerks, rude or dangerous meet a more decent standard, we just accept it and try to learn to protect ourselves from them. (And if you think people can't learn to be decent, just think of how easily they have learned to be the way they are. It's all in what is accepted and tolerated.)

We reward the wrong things. We reward the greedy and ruthless by calling them "ambitious" and "go-getters." We've stopped rewarding honest hard work because we'd rather reward anything that makes the most money.

We think of ourselves as being "modern," "progressive," and "forward thinking." We talk of looking to the future and "the next big thing." What we have forgotten is the simple pleasures in personal joy and contentment. I'm pretty sure that "contentment" is not a word that we want to think about if we have to give up "ambition."

Peace
--Free

Sunday, September 04, 2011

Unanswered Prayers

Now that I am older, I tend to do a lot of reflecting on my life. I think back on things I've done or not done and can see now the results I live with. There are good things and bad things, but what I notice most are the results of unanswered prayers.

When I was young, I, like so many, hoped for shallow things: more money, better looks and popularity. I wanted to "grow up" to be well known and well liked. I had dreams of being a famous author. Of course, I had the fantasies about the very handsome husband, the large and amazing home, fabulous clothes and cars... Those were things that almost everyone I knew wanted.

These days, even though my finances and health are both in a fragile state, I have to just thank God that He didn't answer my greedy prayers! I don't know where I would be spiritually if I'd gotten all that I wanted. I don't think I would have grown in my faith and I'm pretty sure I would not be as thankful for what I do have.

When I look at people who did get what they wished for, I imagine that that's only a good life for the young who will live to make it out. But not all the young ones who do live that life make it out.

Had my prayers been answered, I might have had the material things while missing out on the grace of the Lord. So, when I reflect on what could have been, I have to think of Psalms 139, especially verses 13 through16.  He has known me and is with me through it all.

Those things I longed for and didn't get are just reminders of eternity. I would not trade my salvation for any of the comforts or luxury this world has to offer, though that's tempting sometimes. I have to remind myself that this world is not my home. I don't want to get too comfortable because my time here isn't promised from breath to breath. While I am here, I am praying for my family and friends - for everyone - to accept the Lord and hold out until we do get Home.

Peace
--Free

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Marriage (wish I had known!)

I just threatened to write this post when I was doing the last one, so I might as well get it over with. It's not going to be a long post, but I wish I had seen something like it before I made the decision to get married.

I heard an awesome sermon on the subject recently. Basically, it was about what a wife should expect from a husband. (There is also one for what husbands should expect, but I'm a woman, so...!)

In a nutshell, a woman should expect a man to be a man. In the relationship, he should be the 3 P's: Provider, Protector and Priest. He should be her "covering" and he should take that seriously.

Pretty simple, right? Like I said, if I had ever thought of a husband in that way, I would have been so much more careful in my choices (and I would have gotten it right ONE time, not having to do it twice).

Part of my problem is that while I was a "believer" at a young age, I was not a "follower." That sounds weird, but, like a lot of people, I was a believer in words only. I was brought up "in church" so I just went along. I don't think that I was a sincere Christian until the last maybe 3 years. Unfortunately, I married inside that time. I was not praying over things in my life. I was still operating on feelings and moods.

If I had looked at my husband through the eyes of Scripture - or even looked at myself that way - there is no way I would have gotten married to him. But, again, I was making decisions based on my feelings and moods and wants.

So, for anyone out there looking to get married, you might want to remember to take it to the Lord in prayer before you make that lifetime commitment.


{NOTE: I can't remember exactly which of the sermons spoke of the husband and wife roles. I think it was this one, but, if not, feel free to listen to the others on this page until you run across it. All the sermons are excellent for Bible study and prayer.}

Peace
--Free

Passing Storms

Ah, how interesting life has been these past months (years?)

I've been on rough roads. Beaten down, in despair, depressed, ill, hurt... But through it all, God has been good.

I went to the doctor yesterday for my first major check up after getting this nasty sarcoidosis. That went very well: good tentative prognosis (yay!) and the clearance to go back to non-strenuous work. (And, trust me, I need to be able to work after all these medical bills!) Most of all, the medicines seem to be doing their job and I should only have to be on the 20mg of prednisone for another month or two. That the bill for that appointment nearly put me into heart failure is minor since I was able to pay it - again, thanks be to God. The fact that I can go back to work is another blessing, and the fact that I might possible actually have a job to go back to is even more of a blessing! (I've already contacted my former employer, don't ya know? LOL)

All of this is like having been in the middle of a really bad storm. Right now I feel like it's still raining, but I can see a clearing up ahead. I don't know when it's going to be clear again and maybe I'm living in storm territory, but I know that God will be with me. And I have learned things from what I've been through:

I've learned to be good to people who are going through their own storms. Not just being good to them in the way I'm comfortable being good to others, or in the way that I want to be good to them, but good in ways they need. It's easy to give to people what you don't want yourself, but to give where it might hurt just a little bit is a real deed.

I've learned to be more sensitive to people when they are down. To watch what I say and how I say it. To understand that no matter how down a person is or why they are down is not as important as it is to either say something useful or shut up. LOL. I haven't always realized (until I was so much on the receiving end) how easy it is to poor even just a little bit of salt into a person's wounds. You want to really hurt someone who is already down? Go ahead and talk a lot about what you have or what you are able to do. I've done that in my life, but now that I have sometimes been on the receiving end... Oh, but we do learn the hard way, don't we? And, no, I don't think that it's done on purpose. I think it's done out of either thoughtlessness or out of fear (as in, "Wow, hope I never end up like that!"). For whatever reason it's done, it still hurts.

I've learned to be as thankful in the bad times as in the good. It's like all the sayings: "Hard times builds character," and "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

I've learned that God didn't do this to me. The Devil didn't do this to me. My actions, decisions I made in life, and genetics did this to me. Maybe if I had considered God when I was doing things and making decisions, I would have done things differently (please see a future post on marriage!) and not had as much hardship. Because I didn't always pray first over major decisions and actions, I ended up having to pray to get through the consequences.

I've learned that life can turn on a dime. You can be well, fat and content one moment and have it all crash down on you the next moment. It only takes a heartbeat.

I've learned that God does love me. When I was at my lowest, I felt like I deserved to be unloved. I felt like I was worthless. Something in me, though, would always remind me that God loves me. That's what kept me sane.

So, there may be another storm coming. There may be storms for the rest of my life, but God always sends me a reminder of sunshine. One day, we believers will bask in His light. Any storm is worth going through for that.

Peace
--Free

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Crisis of Faith

Since I got sick, I have suffered such a crisis of faith. The feeling of being abandoned by God. The feeling of spiritual emptiness. Oddly enough, I know that some of it was caused by the medicine I had to take, and since being on a lower dosage has helped, I have proof of the side effects.

At any rate, I was really struggling to cling to my faith the past several weeks. This morning I had the energy to search the internet for examples of others going through the same thing. If you google "crisis of faith," and scan the articles and blogs, you would be amazed at what you find. Apparently, even Mother Theresa struggled (for FIFTY years!) with this. Personally, not being Catholic, I can't relate to what Mother Theresa felt, but being Christian, with my whole belief being in salvation through the blood of Jesus alone, I can relate to a sermon I found.

I can truly say that this sermon blessed me this morning:  Lenten Series - The Seven Last Words My God, My God, Why Have You Forsaken Me?  I feel it was just the thing I needed. Bless the author! Even if you are not having a crisis of faith, I suggest you go over and check it out because it's such a reminder of what faith is.

The first thing that struck me is that I am not alone. I'm not the only Christian to be tested. Christ himself was tested! Somehow, I had forgotten all about how the Lord cried out from the cross about being forsaken. Being fully human, Jesus was able to feel what we feel and, at that time, he felt given up on. So who am I to feel different?

The second thing that struck me is that all this time, I have been focused on the darkness of my situation - or the Good Friday - when I was ignoring the hope and glory of the light - or Easter. (The author's words are so powerful: "Those were not his last words from the cross." Amen! Jesus' last words were that it was finished.

So, here and now, I may have to go through this human pain and suffering (and it won't be easy; in fact, it may get worse), but one day, when I leave this world, I get to go Home and be with Jesus. Maybe even while I am still here, I will be happy again, but I'm not supposed to be living for this "life." It is for my life in Heaven that I am waiting for.

While I was feeling sorry for myself, I had forgotten about all the other suffering people who have it as bad or worse than me. Think of the little starving babies you see who live in famine, people born into a living hell of war or disease; people who have never eaten like I have or lived in decent shelter. I had not thought of the absolute luxuries I once enjoyed while so many millions of people suffered every day of their lives.

So, this day, I am thankful for this crisis. This struggle I am going through is going to keep me praying and holding on with both hands to my faith and hope for what eternity has in store for me.


Peace
--Free

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Attitude & Change

Attitude has a lot to do with life. The meds I am on have affected my attitude, which is why I am being dragged down by this apathy and low-lying depression. So... I am trying to fight back.

First off, I am taking advantage of any moment when I'm not feeling dragged down. When I have a moment like that, I grab it to get something done: clean, plan, exercise - whatever I can. Next, I am going to be talking to the doctor about alternatives to the meds I am on. If he can't adjust them or wean me off yet, then maybe he can give me something to counteract the effects. It's either that or I am going to have to look at being disabled and that's something I will fight hard.

So, this is my life. Funny how fast this all hit me. I still can't believe that just a couple of months ago, I was in a completely different place. I hope anyone who has been following the story is taking it as a warning. A warning to enjoy what comfort and peace you have before it all changes or veers off on a different path. Here are some lessons I have learned:

1. Don't get too comfortable with anything you have - not material things or the people in your life. Appreciate what you have, but be ready to lose it all.

2. Things change. Don't think that because you woke up this morning one way that you will be able to count on that every day.

3. Be prepared for the worst. Your finances, your health, anything that counts as "security" can all go up in smoke.

Actually, I guess all those are really about the same thing: not counting on things not to change. That's what I have learned, but I learned it the hard way.

Peace
--Free

Monday, July 25, 2011

Defined the Problem

 (Just found this blog, which I want to point out has great links. Thanks to Sarcoidosis Experience)


While I was texting a friend, I hit on what the problem is with the medication I am on for this sarcoidosis. All this time that I have been trying to desparately make everyone understand, I couldn't grasp the right word. I've got it: Apathy. (And because this blog is really my only journal of this nightmare I am going through, I wanted to get this down here before I lose any sense of needing to write it.)

This friend of mine - who has been so good to me while I've been sick - texted to invite me to get out of the house this weekend. When I finally got the energy to answer her back, all I could do was be honest and say that I can't do anything until I get over this medically induced apathy.

What a relief to be able to find the word. I've been struggling to put meaning to the way I've been feeling from the moment I started on the prednisone. When I look up references to side effects, I'm not surprised to see that apathy, depression, mood changes - all of that comes up.

This is sheer hell, you guys. When you know what your natural personality is but you can't reach it... I don't know what it is to feel like laughing, talking, being or doing. And I know it's the medicine - which I know I have to keep taking for at least another few weeks.

When I do finish with this stuff, I am going to be so thankful for every emotion, good or bad. Right now, all I can do is be awake or be asleep. My one sort of joy is to sit in the sun and listen to the sounds of the neighborhood. I can't work or really function. I am just in a state of healing limbo.

If you want to even try to know what I feel like, take just one minute and try to make yourself feel numb and empty. Like your whole being is on novacaine. That's what I feel like. I can't find anything to distract myself from the nothingness. I can't write (which is a whole other kind of hell for me) or even lose myself in my imagination.

So, yeah - apathy has got to be the right word. Complete and total.

Peace
--Free

Saturday, July 23, 2011

State of Mind

Being hit with this illness has definitely changed my life. I think of not one thing the way I did before. It's as if this whole experience has been life-altering for me.

One of the things I think about a lot is death. I think about what it means to be alive and then to not be alive. One minute, you are just chugging along, doing your thing - working, eating, planning - and then, the next, you could just not be there. I also think about what we mean to each other as people. When I look at the people I love now, I try to imagine life without them. I can't help but think "What if?" - as in: what it they were taken away from me in the next breath, or what if I just don't see them again.

Another thing is that I appreciate things more. Ever since I got home from the hospital, I have been so glad for the good weather. All I want to do is sit in the sun and think about what a beautiful world God has given us. (I told my sister how glad I am that this happened to me in the summer and not during the winter. I think the darkness of winter along with the effects of the prednisone would have driven me past the edge of my mind.) I am hoping desparately that my medicine therapy is over before the sun goes away. I think that if I have the sunshine and warmth, I will be able to survive this.

Like I said, I don't think I will ever be the same after this. Maybe this was a lesson God wanted to teach me: to think more about the NOW of life. It's not like we don't all know that one day we will have to die, but I don't think we respect that fact.

Here is something that a friend of mine said to me recently about faith and death- after my sickness, her getting cancer, and her sister passing from cancer. We were talking about how strong her sister had been in her faith and how she died in her faith. My friend said this: "We all want to be with Jesus, but we don't want to die."

For me, that was so deep. It's true. I live my life loving Jesus and wanting to be with Him. I think about my mother and the people who have already died and how I one day want to see them again. We all want to go to Heaven, but we have to die to get there.

For right now, I want to appreciate life and living. I want to get through this illness and get back to being my old self. I want to be the person who could laugh myself sick at the silliest things, think up funny stories, be interesting and fun and happy. The medicine has stolen some of that - and I know it is the medicine - and I can't wait to get it back. I just want to be fully me again. I want to be inspired to write and talk and be someone that people enjoy being around.

Until I get through all this, I ask that you all keep me in your prayers. Try to be uplifting to each other. No one knows what another person is going through, so we all need to be encouraging.

Peace
--Free

Friday, July 15, 2011

Learning to Breathe

Three days out of the hospital and I am feeling a little more back on my feet. Feel a little more like I can think a little bit more clearly. Still not liking the steroids and the effects I can feel they are having on me.

When I think of what happened to me - all out of nowhere - I am so thankful to God. I could have been lying dead somewhere. What if I'd been driving and run someone over? What if I'd just been somewhere without my family and something had happened?

So many what it if's.

Instead, I ended up with this cruddy disease that I still don't understand, but I am alive and fighting.

I know that people automatically think the same things when they've had a close call with death or disease, but I have got to say it anyway: it makes you think.

The day I was released from the hospital, a friend's sister died of cancer. I didn't know this until I called to check in with my friend. Her sister had fought all the way to Stage Four cancer, and I had just spoken to her myself a few weeks ago. I had told her how wonderful it was that she was still fighting and that she sounded so good and strong while we were talking. She told me that she had put all her faith in the Lord and that He had healed her so far. She wasn't afraid to die. Her sister - my friend - is fighting the same type cancer right now.

When I was being diagnosed, one of the things the doctors had to do was a biopsy on tissue from my lung. That was to determine whether I had sarcoidosis or cancer. It was a horrible procedure that I had to be partly conscious for and I don't know what was worse: that or waiting for the result. Before I knew the result, I remember thinking about dying. I wasn't so much afraid as I was sad. I was sad that I'd be leaving family and friends, sad about things I had or had not done. I was curious about what it would be like to not be alive. I even wondered about how my dying would affect the doctors, nurses and staff I'd met while in the hospital. Mainly, I wondered if my dying would change anything for anyone in a deep way.

Now that I am home and just dealing with the fallout of the Sarc - the bills, what to do with my life and how to cope - I am going to try to enjoy as much of life as I can, worry about as little of it as possible, and be thankful to God for every breath. It took all of this for the Lord to teach me that happiness is an inside job.

Peace
--Free

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Family Catchup

For the friends and family who heard I was sick and in hospital and no one really knew what was going on, here's the deal.

I got sick right after my birthday and landed myself in the hospital. Thank God for my family because I would not have gone without them bugging me.  I thought I was just just tired and stressed.

Long story short, I was walking around here, slurring words, tripping over my own two feet, being cranky and tired, etc, etc, etc... without knowing why. This went on for weeks and weeks and was getting worse until recently. I have been diagnosed with some crazy disease called Sarcoidosis. (Leave it to me to get something I can't pronounce. I call it Sarc.) That's what landed me in the hospital from July 4th through yesterday when I was was released. On top of that, the doctors (all of them amazing, by the way!) were getting my ridiculously high blood pressure under control.

Like about everything, there is both too much and not enough information out there about Sarc. I gave up trying to research it and am just paying attention to my doctors - who also admit being a little puzzled by Sarc. The one thing I want to get across to all of you is this: I had Sarc symptoms for a long time and I ignored them. I certainly had High Blood Pressure symptoms that I didn't manage. So, for all of you who are not taking care of yourself - please do. If nothing else, I could have been a lot of healthier these past several months!

I am home now and trying to get a grasp on what this disease and the symptoms mean for me. There is not a lot known about Sarc, but for me, everything just feels weird. I am having some trouble thinking and moving and my body feels a little alien. My eyesight, my movements - even my words and thoughts -  everything feels out of whack. Some of it, I'm sure, is just that I am overwhelmed. The medicines alone baffle me. (It took me 20 minutes to sort out which ones I was taking and when and why.) Right now, I am trying to figure out how this is going to affect the rest of my life. This is my first day out of hospital and facing it all.

Everyone pray for me. Pray that God touches on this disease and the symptoms to heal them. Pray that my blood pressure stays under control and that no more damage is done to this body.

Love,
Free

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Laughing In The Rain

The secret to laughing in the rain is to be thankful for your umbrellas. Yeah, that sounds kind of Zen-corny, I know, but it's really true.

I used to let many things get me down, but in the past year or so, I've found that it's better to look at my blessings instead of my worries. For instance, I could be sad because I am nowhere near where I need to be at my age - not in finance, romance or in the normal cycle of life. Talk about being caught in the middle of a life storm... But I choose to be light and joyful because I look at all the umbrellas God has given me: good family, good friends, my physical senses. And I think of the fact that God KNEW to give me the specific family and friends He gave, because He knows they are what I need. (It's only passing-by funny that He could have given me riches, but I wouldn't have gotten the people I have.)

Anyway, my point here is that if I were sad, I'd be spreading that sadness, but God has given me joy that usually manages to shine outwards to others. Who knows what a smile and a sense of peace does for others just by being in the atmosphere? I think it matters.

So please pull out your umbrellas so that you can enjoy whatever the forecast is. Let your joy be good for someone else. Smile at each other, care enough for it to show and let your own attitude teach others how to laugh in their own storms.

(In a sidenote: Last night I thought I was dying. No kidding. Those who know me know that I have severe high blood pressure - it's one of the reasons that I am changing jobs until I get it under control - and I worry all the time about what it's doing to my body. Anyway, I happened to get a massive headache yesterday. This was no ordinary head pain; it got so bad that I couldn't walk for making it worse. I took painkillers and aspirin; I lay down, perfectly still, because any movement aggravated the pain. At about 2am, I started to think that I should wake up the fam or call 911. Finally, I thought that maybe I was just going to stroke out and die. Of course, I didn't die, but realized that I had forgotten to take a medication - which is a whole other story. So I took the med and within half an hour, headache went bye-bye. I have to tell you, though, that the thought of dying was not scary; the only sad thought I had was that I was leaving behind my fam. I've never been so close to dying - that I was aware of - and I am so thankful to God that because of Jesus, I now know that when the time comes for me to go Home, I won't be afraid.)

Peace
--Free

Friday, May 06, 2011

The Mind Is a Strange Place

I have the oddest thing happening to me & I wonder if anyone else has had it happen.

Two or three nights ago, I woke up out of  deep, deep sleep. I think I had been dreaming, but I can't remember what about. I woke up as if something was heavy on my mind, but I couldn't focus on what that was. When I'd sat there long enough to really wake up, I had this image in my head of a man. Seeing him in my mind gave me a feeling  of being puzzled and confused. I would feel that he was there to give me information or a message.

I had no idea who this man is. Just can't imagine where I ever saw him before. I didn't  know who he was, but - and this is also weird - I told my sister that (for some reason), I know his first name, but guessed at his last.

Now. I have solved the puzzle - just today - and this makes me wonder how the mind works.

Turns out that this man is not important to me personally and I never have met him. I have SEEN him in a normal passing.

What bothers me so much about this is that now that I know who the man is, there is no reason at all that he should have crossed my mind or interrupted my thoughts.

I'm going to right it off to stress and repression of some kind of memory. I just wonder about the human brain - my brain.

Peace
--Free

Saturday, February 05, 2011

Spoken and Remembered

A person close to me (by blood) made a joke at my expense. A few years ago, I would have taken it to heart, but lately I've come to realize that people are one thing and do another. This particular person probably didn't mean to hurt me. I truly believe that the true motive wasn't hurting me, but making himself feel better. (And because I am such a sinner, I thought, "Okay, that's my gift to you. Once!" LOL)

Seriously though, the idea of ragging on someone to make yourself feel better stuck in my head. As I thought about it, I also thought about something else (sort of related, maybe not):

When we remember people - say at a funeral - we often don't really say out loud what we really remember about the person. We remember one thing, but say another - something more acceptable.

For instance, at funerals, we often tell only the best things about a person - how generous they were, how kind and caring, etc.  We will talk about the good times and the good things, but the whole time, what we are really thinking about are the hurts they caused, their pettiness, the way they cheated or lied or manipulated others. Of course, it would be wrong and disrespectful to the person's loved ones to do anything other than be kind when speaking of them. I guess that goes to the whole don't-speak-ill-of-the-dead and all that...

Here's the thing that came to my mind: I want to remembered as kindly as I will be spoken of. I don't want anyone to have to sugarcoat their words at my passing. If they are going to say that I was generous, then I don't want them - or anyone listening - to be remembering that my generosity had a motive. I don't want anyone speaking or listening to have subtitles going on about me. (In my case, if someone says that I was moody and cranky, I won't mind. That's true. I would like to think I have been "lovably cranky," but... hahaha) I guess I want to try to live so that I will be remembered for being true to my ways - the good and the bad. I don't want to be remembered as someone who tried killing someone's spirit or morale.

We all have faults, but too often, we try to show the world one personality while we are acting out as another. We want praise for things we haven't truly been. We want to be remembered for things we didn't do with our hearts. We should care more about whether or not we were truly faithful or generous or God-fearing than we should about whether people just thought we were.

And the thing is: often we aren't fooling anybody. If we were, all the good things spoken of about us would be true. God will know the truth.

This all makes me think of people who seem tall only because they are using someone else's misery as a stool. People who seem wealthy only  in comparison to another person's lack.  People who aren't happy with what they've got unless they can show that they have it. These are people who wouldn't be happy in Heaven where joy might be equal. Also, we need to pray for these folks because life here on earth must be - in their hearts - miserable. When I think of people, I wonder about the un-shed tears and the troubling restlessness no one knows about. I think about where I would be without God to touch my own faults and worries. How miserable I would be without His forgiveness, love and comfort. What is it that the Bible says about misery? People with these faults have got to be sadly miserable because of what they lust after for this world and for trying to impress people who cannot save their own souls.

Don't get me wrong - I am not excluding myself. I've craved temporary happiness with the purchase of a purse or piece of clothing. I've lusted after cars and houses and jewelry. Not always because I have wanted the item just because I liked it, but because I wanted what someone else had or didn't have. I wanted - even temporarily - people to look at me and feel a little envy. I think that's a very human weakness and sin. But I am going to ask the Lord to free me from it.

As always, whenever I hold up a mirror to someone's faults, mine become so much clearer. Maybe that's the way God intended it to be. I see a fault in someone else and realize I'm guilty too - and I don't want to be that way anymore.

Just a couple of thoughts I've had. I'm done now. LOL

Peace
--Free

I Just Wanna Be Free-eee!

Thank the Lord! The days are getting brighter, some of this nasty snow is melting, and it's not as freezing cold as it has been in past weeks. Maybe I shouldn't speak too soon, but I'm already checking out cute sandals and summer clothes!

The way I am feeling (most of the time) after the hell I have been through, I was going to add a vid of the Deniece Williams song "Free," but I remembered that it was all about some man. Hah! So...

Even though I'm not that into the whole secular music thing these days, I like the lyrics in this song:


Yep, I am going to be just fine. (Now if that sun would just come on out and warm things up around here! LOL)

Peace
--Free

Sunday, January 02, 2011

Reflections

So... Life under maintenance, a new year started... It all got me to thinking back. I went through a bunch of my photos & thought I'd share the memories... (They are in no particular order. Blogger got goofy about what would upload and what would be rejected by server..???)

 (above) Interesting that I was taking a pic of myself, but don't look happy about it... BUT, notice I have hair! lol
My birthday in June 2010. La Mex. Went with the fam
So dang vain! LOL. At my "sis" Barb's last year, trying on clothes my big sis sent. I need to lose about 15lbs to get back to that size!

This is my niece & nephew a couple yrs ago when he was home from Iraq. I was in TX, but my AK fam made sure I got the pic

There's my niece Gabby! And I'll be danged if she ain't laughing. (Good, Gabby. Not so serious all the time!)

My sweet, sweet Rags-a-poo. I still miss my lil baby every single day

I guess I think I thought I was cute or something. This is in TX with my cousins around April/May I think.  L ast year.We took Lil Man out to try & fish. (All I can think about is that I had more hair on my head then!)


Ahh, my serious and beautiful niece Gabs. Around summer '09 I believe

Horrible pic, but, hey - you know how those bad-lit, self-shot bathroom photos are! LOL BUT check out the SHORT hair cut... Can't believe I did it. Looks a lot better in person & the stylist (Tanya @ Ebony & Ivory) was amazing!

Me & my nephew Dre. Summer of 2010. Man it was a gorgeous day!

La Mex on the birthday. (We look drunk but we aren't really) Cherie had had knee surgery & I was just a little bit blue...


(from left to right) Niece Gabby (being shy), my big sis & bestest friend, my beautiful Mommy and niece Cherie. Fam love, right there in a group!

Wow! This is me, like about 20 yrs ago. Loved that house of ours. Makes me cry to think we are living there anymore...

Ok, that was fun. Maybe I will do another post of pics soon.

Peace
--Free

Friday, December 31, 2010

Warning: Life Under Maintenance

So.

I had thought of doing New Year resolutions, then I thought, why set myself up for failure? You don't have to wait for the beginning of a year to set goals, make resolutions, right?

No.

So, instead of reaching for the impossible, I have decided to go for the do-able:

  • Gonna try a new look for the physical me.
  • Gonna get my body looked after - check out the flesh & blood machine with a physical
  • Gonna get the mind taken care of. Been having anxiety attacks and bouts of the "the blues."
  • Getting the spiritual me shaped up. Having a lot more talks with the Lord, putting my trust in Him to get me through all the time He's giving me here on this crazy planet.
  • Going to appreciate life moment-to-moment.
I think all of that is within reach. I am, after all, turning 50 this coming year. I want to enjoy more of life rather than just get through it.

Since the haircut is the first step, I will try to promise to post pics as soon as it's done. (Unless it turns out a hot mess - then I will post pics of the remedy: a wig, weave or really cute hats! LOL)

To the memories of those who are not here with us this year: I hope you are at rest and at peace for all eternity. (Mom, Dad & the Grands - I still miss you all so much!)

For the rest of you, I wish for peace in your hearts, minds and souls; love that you can use; pursuits you can thrive in; and mostly spiritual calm and fulfillment. God bless all His little children.

Raise your hearts and hopes to a great Year  2011

Peace
--Free

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Auld Lang Syne

Question: How many of you know the words to that traditional New Year song?
I bet not too many!

I looked up the lyrics and other information and was a little bit surprised that it's not only sung at the New Year but at funerals and other occasions. Now that I do know the words, I can see it being appropriate for other occasions. I can also see it's not as "deep" as I always thought. Matter of fact, the melody makes me feel more emotional that the lyrics do.

Anyway, here are the lyrics. You can find out more on Wikipedia (of course!)

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old lang syne ?
CHORUS:
For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne, we'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne.
And surely you’ll buy your pint cup !
and surely I’ll buy mine !
And we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
CHORUS
We two have run about the slopes,
and picked the daisies fine ;
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,
since auld lang syne.
CHORUS
We two have paddled in the stream,
from morning sun till dine ;
But seas between us broad have roared
since auld lang syne.
CHORUS
And there’s a hand my trusty friend !
And give us a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.
CHORUS

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Watching the Asphalt Grow

I haven't been over here for a good minute or two. That's because it's winter and as I've said over & over, I don't do well in winter. I go to work, come home and sleep. On weekends, I hit Walmart or Target just to get out of the house & spend time with the fam. Other than that, I just hibernate and pray for Spring and Summer.

I guess I am only posting today to do a catch-up of the very little that's been happening in the life of Free. So, let's do a quickie rundown...
  • Got the job - thank You, God - and it's going all right. Still lots to learn and get ingrained into my habits.
  • Made a new buddy at the job. Cool lady, lots of lunchtime laughs and girl-talk.
  • Collecting up stuff for when I get a place of my own - which I am having to save up for. Hit the after-Thanksgiving sales and really cleaned up on kitchen stuff and even got a little flat-screen television. Yay.
  • Haven't written a thing lately, creative-wise. Starting to feel (for the first time) that I am through with writing anything major. That's kind of okay with me, but kind of not... *shrug*
  • Thinking a lot about my mother and father lately. Makes me a little blue. Makes me think a lot of Heaven.
That's pretty much it, except: did I mention how I cannot WAIT for this snow and cold to be g.o.n.e.? LOL

Wishing everyone to have a wonderful Christmas. Here's hoping for a really bright and amazing New Year. Maybe I will be posting again before all that, but who knows?




Peace
--Free

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

So, you DO have to tell me twice

At almost 50, i've had a huge wakeup call & learned things in my heart that my head always knew:

1- things are not always what they seem to be
2 - most folks have no "self mirror." They understand every hurt they feel but not the hurt they cause.
3- we all need to feel that we matter

For so many years, I felt validated by my family. Felt that by doing the right thing was its own reward. Well, that sounds good, but it doesn't always feel right.

My resolution is: acknowlede & validate those who acknowledge & validate me. If I don't mean anything to you, you won't mean anything to me.

I am going to let go of begging for love. I am going to start being my own top priority. I am going to start acknowledging myself. I can't count on anyone else to be thankful for what I sacrificed for them.

Life will teach you many things. I learned late, but I learned well.

Peace
--Free
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Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Just Rambling

Oh, my poor, neglected blog(s)!!!

I haven't been posting regularly, I've barely touched bases with my Twitter pals & the Cafe and Farm over on Facebook are just... well, they're looking pretty sad! lol And, speaking of sad, my beautiful little plant must be getting ready to hibernate for winter. Almost all her blooms are dried up... :-(


Maybe now that the season is changing (and there is FROST/ICE on the car in the morning), I will get more into my web world... You know how I tend to hunker down in the darker months of the year.


This is the first time in about 3 years that I have been around for one of our Alaskan winters. I really don't like it much. I think I got spoiled by the nice Texas winters. You know, being able to sit out on the patio for coffee, taking walks, having potted plants out... All that nice-weather kinda stuff.


What am I gonna do to get through the winter? I am going to indulge all my guilty television pleasures (Real Housewives, Paranormal State and any kind of classic show), try to spend more time praying and reading the Bible. I need to get back to church too. Pretty sure they have forgotten me over at Foursquare. And maybe I will start back crocheting. I know I want to do blankets for whatever new place I get, and I have a whole other bunch of nieces/nephews to do blankets for. And, oh, not to mention needing to post here more often!


Other than the darkness, another thing I dislike about winters here: it was Mama's favorite season & I always think about her with a little bit of sadness around Thanksgiving and Christmas. She LOVED her Christmas decorations and having the grandkids crowded into the house... I can't forget how, when she passed away (in April), we all came home from the hospital to find that Mom's Christmas lights had been turned on and were just lighting up the whole outside of the house. Never did figure that one out. We eventually came to think of it as God letting Mom say "goodbye" in her own way.


So...


Anyway, if I were to have an early holiday wishlist, I guess it would be to have another happy home, continued health, peace and family to wallow in. Basically, I pretty much HAVE all that I want (ok, I'm still working on the house part!). AND this year I have a job. So, I am already as blessed as I can wish to be.


I do have a few more things I want to do, though. I want to actually do a Christmas card list (with actual PAPER cards and postage stamps!), I want to go ahead and cut my hair (be a little adventurous for a bit), and I want to find a unique gift for everyone on my list. I am so tired of giving gifts that only mean something for a minute. I want to think of something very personal and fitting for everyone. (I have some ideas, but can't breathe a word on the blog because my NOSEY neice reads this pretty regularly - lol)


Finally (as if I haven't just been rambling on here!) I want to give a big thanks to the Lord for my new friend Jone. She has been a real blessing and encouragement. Maybe next time I post, I will tell the story of how I accidentally re-named a local eatery. (I have no problem at all laughing at myself! lol)


Meantime, you guys all be safe as the weather changes. Count your blessings with joy & endure your trials peace. 


Peace
--Free

Sunday, October 17, 2010

"I Know What You've Gone Through"

One of the worse things to hear when you are dealing with a crisis is: "I know what you're going through." (Or: "I know just how you feel.")

When you hear someone say that, don't you just want to say, "No. You don't!"

I've been on the giving and receiving end of that kind of useless empathy. I struggled for a long time trying to figure out how to let a friend know that I meant better. Finally, I think I've found two of the best ways to respond when someone confides their problems:

1 - Silence. Just say nothing. Maybe the friend only wanted someone to listen. Or (since I am not in anyway the "silent type") I think I've found a better way to empathize verbally...

2 - Instead of saying "I know how you feel," maybe it's better to say, "I don't know how you feel, but I do know what's it like to go through some things." 
See, everyone has problems. Your problems may not be the same as mine (and vice versa), but any problem is important to the person involved. What I need to work on is not making my problems seem more important than anyone else's. Our problems are always bigger to us - because they are happening to us. I just don't want to be selfish with my empathy.

Now I have something else to pray about! LOL.

Peace
--Free

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled!

I was thinking of John 14:27 and I woke up with tears in my eyes this morning.

Not sad tears or depressed & distressed tears.

The tears on my face this morning were tears of gratitude. I have been so blessed. God, all along, knew what I've gone through. I'm still not out of the valley yet, but I am not in the darkest part like I had been for so long. I have learned that no matter what happens, I have been instructed to:

"Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid!"

I have even come to understand a little bit of WHY I had to go through tough times: I think I got a little too complacent and ungrateful. When things were good, I forgot Who was blessing me. I was haughty and proud and selfish.

My mother used to say something along the lines of, "You get too full of yourself, life will bring you to your knees."

Well, life certainly did bring me to my knees. (Notice it's not God that brought me down, but me, myself and my pride...) I guess it's what you do and Who you turn to when you get knocked to your knees! I turned to God.

So, while I am still going through some strife and worry, I know that God is with me. I know that, while today is good - I finally have a job, Thank Him! - the next moment can bring some new stress. I could lose the job, get sick, be deserted by friends or family. Anything can happen. BUT - I have God with me. And if God is for me, who can be against me?

Now I am going to keep on singing and praising and depending on God. I am going to continue to pray and try to be steadfast no matter what people may do or say. And, if I should die right now, I can rest in the peace that I'll just be going on Home.

If any of you are going through some things (and I am thinking of Drew and Jone and Sharon and others), just close your eyes for a moment and thank God for the blessings. The devil can try all he wants to keep us focused on the troubles, but we know better.

And, finally - I want to thank my new friend Jone for reminding me of 1John 3:18---

"My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth."

I have been so guilty of saying how I love someone, but not letting my actions be guided by that love. And I have to remind myself that this love is supposed to be for everyone, not just family and friends, but for the people I meet all through daily life. (Thanks, Jone!)

Peace
--Free

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Precious Things We Have Lost

It has occurred to me that every generation loses something. I am having the thought that with every generation removed from the beginning of the Gospel, people have moved closer to becoming exactly the way we are described in the Bible in 2 Timothy 3:1-9 

But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these. For among them are those who enter into households and captivate weak women weighed down with sins, led on by various impulses, always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so these men also oppose the truth, men of depraved mind, rejected in regard to the faith. But they will not make further progress; for their folly will be obvious to all, just as Jannes's and Jambres's folly was also. (NOTE: boldface mine)

Is that not what we have become already? And, of course, this is not new to THIS day, but what I am thinking is that we get to be more and more like this.

For example, when I was young, there were certain things I (and ANY young person who was considered to have been raised in a "good" home) would NEVER do. Yet, young people today have lost so much of what I was raised with:

Compassion - People are so cold-blooded these days. They don't consider it as BEING "cold," but they just think of it as being "normal." They think of being compassionate as being "weak." They are quick to tell others to "toughen up."
Manners - People don't have the sense of even BASIC social courtesies. When I was young, I was taught by my mother that when I walked into a room, I was supposed to acknowledge anyone already there. Either say "Hello," "Good morning/afternoon/evening" - SOMEthing. I would NEVER walk into a room and act as if it was empty. I didn't snatch things out of anyone's hand. I didn't slam doors. I didn't leave without saying goodbye. I didn't walk into other people's homes or rooms without knocking. I didn't go into other people's refrigerators or cabinets without permission. If I did eat at someone's home, I offered to help clear tables or help with dishes. I said, "Please" and "Thank you." ... Just basic stuff!

Elder respect - People do not accord any respect to age anymore. They don't hold doors for elders. They don't tone down their language for strangers or elders in public. They have no problem raising their voice or having "an attitude" with elders. (And when I was coming up, an "elder" person wasn't necessarily and "old" person. Back when I was a kid, anyone a few years older was "elder" to me. I can remember having to call my choir directer - who was about 7 years older - "Sister Gail." In my house, if someone was older, they were addressed as "auntie," "Miss," "Brother" or "Mister."  If I didn't know their name, they were "Sir" or "Ma'am.") And let me tell you something real: I would have chewed my tongue off before I would EVER have raised my voice or used a "tone" with my mother about anything. She didn't have to be right, she was just "Mama." I had no pride at all when it came to my mother because I knew that no matter what or how she said something to me, it was out of love and wanting to teach me something. You say the wrong thing to a young person today and if it bothers their nerves, you'll just about get cussed out!

General Respect & Self-Respect - I don't know why I am surprised at the lack of respect toward elders since most people don't respect their peers or themselves... People today will say the most amazingly crazy and revealing stuff on PUBLIC social network sites. It's as if they don't think that a boss or a parent or someone they SHOULD respect will ever see or hear about what they post.


But.

The basic truth about the times we live in is that  while we may not be able to change what others do or how they act, we can encourage them. AND we CAN change our own behavior. Personally, I am committed to work on MY own behavior. I will treat others as they deserve to be treated & pray that God help me to treat them BETTER than that! (LOL) And I am trying to live my life in a posture of thankfulness and prayer for forgiveness and protection.

We truly are living in the last days. I know people have been saying that for years, but the thing is: If these are not "the last days" for the world, they could be OUR last days as individuals. So when we are thinking of pleasing or displeasing the Lord God, we don't need to be thinking so much about the endtimes and judgement of THE WORLD, but of the coming end and judgement for OURSELVES. 

I know that everyone in my family has had their warning. I just hope that they take it seriously and not get caught taking their last breath, living in unconcern the way people were as described in Matthew 24:37-38 

"For the coming of the Son of Man will be just like the days of Noah. For as in those days before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noah entered the ark"

... And then what?

Anyway, that's my little rant for the morning. I do have hope that those who God calls His, will hear His voice and heed it. I am going to continue this thought in the next immediate post...

Peace
--Free

Monday, September 06, 2010

Betrayals & Cowardice

Here's a question for you:

Have you ever been lied to or betrayed by someone you really, truly believed you could trust? You know, like in one of those horror films where, at the end of the movie, the killer turned out to be the sweet & smiling best friend or lover?

Hmmm... Why do I bring this up? Not because I have that experience, but because I have known people who have had it. And because I am wondering if I am going to have the experience. Time will tell & when it does, I will surely open up and post about it here.

Here's the thing: No one wants to believe that they have misjudged someone so badly. You don't want to believe that someone close to you could be so conniving, but... when you start seeing signs...

Oh well, I will keep you up on this little situation that I am watching. Everything that is done in the dark will come out in the light.

Peace
--Free