Rain, Writing, Sunshine, Moods

Writing is putting me in such a melancholy mood. Probably because this trilogy is really based on my relationship with Tim. Not the relationship we have, but the one I'd hoped for all my life. Sad. I'd probably do better not to listen to my thoughts while I write - if that makes any damn sense!

The practical side of me (which is dominant in most areas of my life) knows that I should be gearing up for moving on with my life, shattered as it is. Like most, I am a practical person when it comes to a lot of things. When you stand outside love, outside someone's relationship, it's easy and comfortable to be practical. If this situation I am in belonged to someone else, I would stand outside their heart and say, He's no good for you. Ain't shit and ain't never gonna be shit.

Yeah, okay. But.

Here inside my heart - even after everything we've gone through, everything he's put me through - I just love him.

I have loved this man since I was fifteen years old. I don't even think I want to love anyone else (even if I could). All I ever wanted was to spend my life with him. Me and Tim. Tim and me.


He's my family. He's my heart. He's my everything.Outside my blood family - of which I will always be a unit - he is my family-family. We did the whole standing before God thing and made it that way. Even if love is not a choice, it has consequences. For me, it would have no matter which turn in life I'd taken.

It's not a choice, really. It's not right, wrong, smart or dumb. It's just love.

I only wish he knew and understood.

So. Back to the manuscript. I can control that.

Peace
--Free

Happy Valentines Day

I really hate this holiday. And, no - not because I am (once again) single, but because it's what I call a "show" holiday. A business-sanctioned guilt trip to force people in this rough economy to express an emotion with their wallets.

*deep breath*

Now, I understand that we all like to show the people we love that we love them. I understand that it's really nice for a spouse or significant other to get that little public display every now and then. I mean, what woman doesn't love getting that flower delivery at work? What man doesn't love it when his lady dolls up or fixes a romantic dinner? I get it. I want it, too. 

The problem is (especially in this economy, but at any other time too), a lot of people try to equate the value of a gift with the value of the affection. I saw a commercial the other day that had two guys racing through stores aisles, trying to out-do each other with gifts for their mate. Crazy.

And, let's face it: we live in a society of shallow folks. People just love comparing and competing as consumers. You drive a SUV? I have a bigger and better one. You got a new house? Ours is bigger... And when it comes to relationships - from dating to marriage to parenthood - men have it tough when it comes to material things. The media does a great job of making a measuring stick out of everything from the type of car a man picks up a date in to carat size of an engagement ring. Get married and attention shifts to where the couple lives, what school their kid attend... On and on and on.

So, I'm not saying that flowers and candy and "pajama-grams" are nice. I'm just saying it shouldn't be such a contest. I wonder how many men and women would gladly give up the gifts of that one day if they could get love, respect and courtesy every other day of the year? That'll never happen. The card, candy, flower industry would never stand for it. They'd probably just go on the offense and make us all feel guilty for further damaging the economy.

Since it seems to be here to stay, I might as well go ahead and say it:

Happy Valentine's Day, y'all!

Peace

--Free

*smh* The Writing Life

I am back to working HARD on "Everything." Getting feedback from friends who have read excerpts, I feel so annoyed with myself.

As I was explaining to someone, my biggest problem with the trilogy ("Everything," "Enough," and "More") is that a lot of the story is my own. Of course, in the first draft of "Everything," the entire story was mine. Let me back up... The basis of the story was mine when I wrote the first draft. A youthful romance (partly fictional) and how it turned out (all fiction). After 3 years and a LOT of changes in my life, I've worked through at least 3 re-writes. The problem is, I let my real life color the story. I'm not sorry about that, but it just made the writing more difficult. 

Right now, I am trying to center myself back onto the story as a writer - and not as the young girl who lived parts of the story.

Looming over all the writing anxiety is the fear of rejection by agents. 

*SIGH*

Well. Time to stop whining about it and just... WRITE. That's what it's all about anyway, right? Just getting the story told. I'll worry about the agents when I have a finished manuscript for them to beat up! LOL

Peace
--Free      

P.S.: In case you are wondering, there was no point to this post. I'm just venting (and procrastinating)...

Ch-ch-changes!

I've been talking to different people lately about changes we've all been through. Something dawned on me: we are supposed to go through changes It's how we grow as individuals. Our life experiences force us to migrate from being, say, a person who has never had kids to a person who has. Or from being a person who has had a heartbreak.

Basically, we are ever go to be in a "Pre" and "Post" stage of something in life.

A few years ago, I had never been deeply in love. I'd never lived without having my mother alive. I'd never seriously questioned my faith. Now, things are different. I am now a person who has experienced, lived through, learned from and (mercifully) survived all those things.

God willing that I am still alive, in a few years, I will be past a lot of other experiences. That's just life as it is lived.

Sometimes the easiest way to see ourselves in through someone else's eyes. It's like when you see a friend's toddler child. If you don't see the child for several weeks, when you do, you can tell how much he's grown or changed. It's a little harder for the parent to see because they are looking at the changes as they happen. 

When I get back to Anchorage, I plan on seeing people I have not seen for 3, 4 or 5 years. I am sure they are going to notice changes in the way I look, act, speak, dress, etc. I don't notice the changes so much. People who have been around me don't notice the changes so much, but - just like with a toddler growing up - we all know that the changes were bound to happen.

So, I say all this like it's always made perfect sense to me, but it's something I haven't really thought about until recently. 

For a long time I questioned the changes in myself. I would read back over journal entries or even postings here on this and other blogs of mine. I'd see how I felt so very strongly in one way about something a year ago and then, reading a later entry or posting, I could see a difference. So I thought: "Wow... You're kind of all over the place, aren't ya?"  No. It's life that's all over the place. 

Anyway. That's what was on my mind today.

Peace

--Free

Shatterings

I woke up this morning & the world felt too big. It's just one of those days where I feel very, very fragile, as if I can't move too fast or think too hard lest I break & just shatter into a million little fragments of me. But I can't let that happen because then I wouldn't know how to put myself back together...

So, I am going to just take deep breaths today. Breathe in deep to inhale some hope and peace, and exhale out all the negativity. I might go outside and sit in the sun so that I can feel God's warmth on my skin, heating and healing my mind until all the sad thoughts rise away from me like steam.

Shattered, in tatters, but going to be okay.

Peace

--Free

The World We've Made

We often wonder why people are so cold, but at the same time we applaud and reward the very behavior we question.

Current television shows (which, like it or not, are a gauge of a society's "cultural" leanings) are more popular when they have the meanest, most ignorant, snarkiest people showcased. "American Idol" has Simon Cowell, right? (And I am not bashing him, but his "honest" and oftentimes hurtful critiques are a centerpiece of the show.) I was kind of stunned to see a show all about a "Bad Girls Club." I mean, really? Seriously? Yep. There are fan pages up for them all overr.

One show that I am guilty of watching on a pretty regular basis (mostly with the same horrified fascination that I watch strange things happen in grocery stores or at public events) is "The Real Housewives." All of them - New York, Atlanta and, my all-time favorite, Orange County. This is a show where members are replaced if they don't create enough crazy strife & drama. (The latest "Housewife" to exit on the O.C. version is Jeanna. She didn't want to play with the "mean girls" anymore. Hah! Good for her is what I say. But I will be watching to see if she pops up on another Bravo show - say, Jeanna of Beverly Hills...)

It's not just in the "entertainment" arena where negative behavior is rewarded. In the workplace, in order to succeed (not all the time, but mostly so), you have to be a little bit brutal to gain respect. People with any kind of sensitivity or a lack of experience in dealing with cut-throats are looked at as not having a "thick skin." And look out if you try to keep a positive attitude.  Do that and you might get confronted by a superior asking "Why are you so damn happy all the time?" (True story, by the way.) And the worst of it? If you insist on not being a jerk for the sake of appearances, a lot of people find your positive outlook suspect. *smh*

So, next time you wonder why this can be a mean, cold world, just remind yourself that we get what we ask for.

Peace
--Free

Memory Storm (for the 3rd time!)

(1/20/10) This is the third time I am re-posting this one. This time is for my girl Miss Carrie :-) 
Seems like a lot of us over on Facebook had our Mamas on our minds. So...


(2/19/09) I posted this the first time almost 3 years ago. At that time, my life was in a cycle of changes, but they were all good changes: moving to start somewhere fresh, new job, new relationships... This time the changes are more painful and harder to bear, but I realize that, God willing, I will live long enough for these hard times to be just a memory. Hopefully, this is just a valley I'm going through on my way to some peaks.) Anyway, like always, good times or bad, when things are at a extreme for me, I think of my mother. So this is, again, for Mama.



(3/14/06)
A Memory Storm
Hey y'all. Your girl here is having what I like to call a memory storm. You know, when you have so much going on in your head that things collide & your brain rescues itself from possible system failure by taking a walk in the rain of pleasant memories. Only the memories aren't nice & organized - they just bounce all over the place, like hail or those hard little raindrops that hurt when they hit you.

Memory storm.

Memories about my mama.

Asofetida - I don't know if that's how it's spelled, but I remember Mama saying it's what her mother used to put on her (Mama's) chest when she had a cold or something. Said it stunk to high heaven & probably only worked because the odor scared the germs away.

Urine Shampoo - Mama told me once how, when they were young, her cousin "Bunky" was the only one in the family with short hair (do y'all remember "In Living Color" where one of the characters talked about folk & one of her lines was about a woman with short hair: "hair so shawt you can read her thoughts!"?) and someone told her that it would grow if she washed it in her urine. This fool saved her pee in a big old jar & once a week, she'd pour the urine on it. I don't know what that old pee must've smelled like, but Mama says Bunky grew enough hair in a few weeks to snatch up into a rubber band. She might've grown more hair if "Aunt Jack" hadn't made her stop with the pee shampoos.

Bacon Grease Lotion - Mama says that if they ran out of Jergens or Vaseline, she and her cousins would use bacon grease (and you know she meant that big jar of "drippings" that sat on the stove in an old Folgers can) instead. One time, one of her cousins oiled up and headed off to work. She was running late, so she short-cut it through someone's back yard. "Someone" had some dogs. Dogs smelled the bacon grease. Cousin had to pull the Wilma Rudolph out of her soul and book like the wind. I guess she was leaping fences like somebody had bet money on her. (I suppose she made it away from the dogs. Mama never said. We were both laughing too hard for her to finish that story.)

Sooty Beauty - Back in the day (Mama's day), there weren't a lot of readily available cosmetics for "women of color." Most of my mother's family has LOTS of color & they go from black as midnight (some of them with grey eyes that gave me serious nightmares & this is before colored contacts!) to Light as Vanessa Williams. Most fall in the middlin' to dark category. The lighter-complexioned folk could get away with over the counter lipsticks & blushes and all that. My mother and the rest had to work something else out. So what did they do? Mama says that they'd find the darkest lipstick (usually some kind of slut-red shade) and they could find, then mix in some soot. Yep. Soot from the bottom of pots or burnt wood... The soot would darken up the lipstick enough to compliment a sister with deep roots. (Another time, Mama told me that there were some cosmetics for black women. These were sold door-to-door or could be ordered from ads in the back of romance magazines. A long time ago, someone sent me an old copy of a black romance mag & I saw an ad for "Lucky Heart Cosmetics." Somehow, I picture this as one of the places Mama would have found her makeup when she was young.)

"Busting" a part - My mother was extremely honest. If she didn't know you well, but didn't like something about you, she'd be polite about telling you. If she knew you well - or "owned" you as she did her children - she'd skip politeness & just get to the damn point. (Mama's bossiness with a person went up with her level of approval of them. I could always tell a friend of mine was "in" with my mama the minute she went from inviting them to "come on in and have a seat" to telling them "bring your ass on in here and sit down, boy. That couch ain't gone bite your ass." Most guys who made it past being like by Mama were keepers as far as I was concerned.) One time, I thought it would be cute to wear my hair with a part down the very center. Mama didn't think it was cute. When I came out to rescue a date from being scared into incontinency by Mama, she took one look at my head and asked, "Why you got your hair busted down the middle with that part, looking like Sista Tutta?" (I have no idea who "Sista Tutta" is & I didn't ask. I was too busy sliding back into the bathroom to get that part out of my hair. And, no, I didn't "keep" the guy I had the date with. He laughed a little too damned hard at Mama's comments.)

TPV Perfume - (This crossed my mind when I did my "favorite perfume" on the ABC's yesterday.) When I was younger, I wasn't allowed to wear make-up (don't forget my "holiness" background), and perfume was too extravagant. BUT - I knew I had hit a milestone of "getting grown" when Mama let me wear TPV to a school "dance" (aka: a bunch of kids standing against the wall in the gym and pretending not to notice each other while music played). Talcum powder and vanilla extract. Yep. I didn't get to buy "Heaven Sent" (or whatever it was called), but I sure thought I was some hot stuff when I wiped that cotton ball of vanilla across my shoulders and then puffed on some powder. Shoot. Too bad the only boy who got close enough to smell it was the boy handing out the plastic cups at the punchbowl.

Chewing tar - This falls into that category of "country health" stuff. I can't even lay this on my mama's generation & end it there because she passed it down to us. Until I was about fourteen (right around the time I was leaving my small town life), I - and all my cousins, play & real - chewed tar. I don't remember where it came from. My mama and aunt would have it to hand out to us. It was clean little pieces & shiny where it had been broken or cut into bite sizes. We'd gnaw on that tar like dogs on rawhide. Mama always said it was good for the teeth. And I have to say, I always had great teeth - until the Air Force let their dentists practice on all of us.

Wow. Memory storm. Mama on the mind.

Believe it or not, I owe almost all of my current manuscripts (the ideas, the characters, the settings - everything) to these memories. Of course, I guess most writers will say the same thing.

Speaking of writers - be sure to check out the new link on the left. John Baker, out of the UK, writes mysteries & we've exchanged links. (John - I'm SO coveting the cover design on your books - just beautiful! - & I can't wait to read these.)

(1/20/10) Can't believe I forgot this one in previous posts... 
Hot Toddy (?) Remedy - This was a concoction of really hot, really black tea with some liquor tossed in. Mama would give it to me for my, ahem, cramps. I joke with my friends now that I don't know if the cramps went away or if I was just too drunk to notice. (And, BTW, I never did become much of a drinker. Just ask any of the ladies who were with me on a particularly hot Mother's Day outing when I experienced something called "Saki Bombers" for the first time. I definitely got bombed...)

Peace
--Free 

OUT WITH THE OLD!!!

For a minute there, I almost forgot my New Year attitude.

I had a person I've always thought of as a friend (not a tight friend, but a friendly friend) surprise me by going ice-cold on me. So I spent a few days in tears and not sleeping or eating well. Until my memory came back.

"Hey!" (said my memory) "This is a new year. A new YOU. You're not going to let this kinda stuff steal any more of your joy and peace!"

Oh yeaaaah. That's right.

I dried my tears, got something to eat and took a nap. When I woke up, the sun hadn't forgotten how to shine, the stars still came out at night, Bill Gates was still rich, and - well, life had not come to a screeching halt.

How liberating.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not happy that I have lost a "friend" (or whatever) for some mysterious reason. I will always kinda wonder what I've done or said to bring this on, but the bottom line is: if a person is close enough to you to feel slighted by something you've done, then they should either a) have the guts to confront you, or b) shrug it off. But it is just so dang high-schoolish (no, make that kindergarten-ish) to stonewall someone without letting them know why. Apparently, I don't mean enough to the person for them to be up front with me, so...

It is what it is. (LOL - toldja I was gonna make that my new motto!)

So, people, if we have any kind of acquaintance or friendship, I hope you are as mature-minded as I like my friends and acquaintances to be. Mature enough to get in my face if you have to. Better to have you in my face than behind my back. *smh*

(And BTW, for those who wonder why I didn't try confronting the situation... The person in question made it pretty hard to get in touch after they "showed their behind.")
Peace
--Free

Badvertising...

Not only does it seem that there is no truth in advertising, but there are quite a few out-right lies.

After a couple of years of watching all my television online, I recently have been watching cable television courtesy my lovely angel/friend Barb. The commercials grate on my nerves but I pay attention to them. And I've noticed some of the fine-print and doublespeak advertisers employ. It's as if they use one tongue to make their product sound like a miracle while they use another tongue (usually in fine-print) to cover their tails. Here are a few of the examples:

• One currency trading company does everything to entice you to improve your financial circumstances by using their services, AND they just can't tell you enough how reasonable their rates are. I was so busy being brainwashed by the silky-voiced announcer that I almost missed those little words at the bottom of the screen telling me about the "high risk of loss." Hmmm... Well, of COURSE there is a risk. That's true of any type of financial investment, but still... I mean, they made it sound so safe in the actual ad.
  
• All the weight-loss ads include a statement that intrigues and confuses me. You know the statement I mean - that one about results being "not typical." Is is just me, or isn't the point of the actual ad to make you think the results shown ARE typical? I mean, why not just portray participates whose results are typical? *shrug*
• The ads for mascaras really crack me up. I mean, I get it that mascara can make your lashes look darker, and I get it that some mascaras don't smudge as much as others. Okay. But when they start claiming to add length... Riiiiight... C'mon now. Mascara only brushes onto the lashes you already have. Period. I can brush on a whole tube and I will never have lashes as gorgeous as Penelope Cruz's unless I buy some.
  
• Car ads are the worse. They ALWAYS show the bare model price ALONGSIDE a car loaded with all the options. The price for the "as shown" model is always down there in that fine print. For the price they show in big, huge and colorful print you're lucky to get a steering wheel and tires. Puh-lease.
• My favorite of these tricky ads is one for a face-lift procedure. They show these women with sagging skin on their faces and necks and then do all this touting of their inexpensive lifting procedure. The "After" pics show the ladies with firmer, more youthful faces and necks. Faces AND necks. Faces AND necks... Oh yeah? Um hm. That inexpensive procedure they talk about is so inexpensive because it's only for the FACE. Sorry, ladies, if you want the neck job, you better read that fine print and save up your extra change. (I think this one was really a low blow. You know that hopeful people show up for the consultation with their budget all worked out. Can you imagine the disappointment when they realize they have to come up with more money for the whole "After" look - that or invest in turtlenecks to play it off post-surgery...)

I know that we all know there's gonna be fine-print in everything, but it just seems shady when the advertisers get so sneaky about it. I guess that is the point.

Peace
--Free

A Good Life. A Good Year.

I ended 2009 in a haze of confusion, disappointment and anxiety, but God has really blessed me. I have such a feeling of hope. I am realizing that the way to deal with the good and not-so-good in life is to just be thankful for it all.

Last year, I let myself get overwhelmed with circumstances I had no real control over. I focused too much on negative things. I am learning now to truly "let it be." When people disappoint me (and I know some will), and when circumstances get crazy (and I know they will!), I will keep my eye on the blessings God has put in my life. And God has truly, truly blessed me greatly.

I have friends who have loved me and comforted me and helped me to laugh and cry and just be me. I have family who would do anything in the world for me. I have a Father in Heaven who keeps loving me when I can be so un-lovable.

So blessed. So very, very blessed.

2010 is - if nothing else - the year that I have learned to deal with the bad and enjoy the good. 2010 is the year I have learned to be thankful.

Peace
--Free

Music Therapy

From the chick (me) who threw out all that music... I need some Frankie Beverly & Maze. Enjoy this, everybody:



AND... For Drew, since FB is not playing the songs right now, here are the others:






Old school grooving! :-)

Peace
--Free

Things You Don't Wanna Buy From A Dollar Store

One thing I love about being Stateside: the variety of shopping venues. Here in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area, you can shop high-priced, mid-priced, low-priced or (and this is where my budget sits right now) dirt-cheap-priced.

In Anchorage we have so-called "Dollar Stores," but nothing is ever really a dollar. More like $2.50 and up (and not worth half that). Here in Ft. Worth, there are stores that sell things priced at a buck. My fave place? The .99 cent place.

If you know me, you know that I just about lose my mind when I go into this store. ZThis is where I get my shampoo, face wash, toothpaste, Crunch and Munch... All that vitally necessary stuff, right?

But.

There are just some things that you should not buy at a store hawking .99 cent prices, okay?

Last night, my cousin and I dropped by the store so I could pick up some various little items I needed. I mean, I am kind of in limbo right now - visiting here while I get ready to relocate.

So.

We go on and do our little aisle-cruising thing. I get my combs and lotion and what-not, then I hit the aisle with the toothpaste and toothbrushes so I can be done and outta there.

While I am trying to decide whether I want to get a single toothbrush, a two-pack, or a set with a dental pick and tongue brush, my cousin is scoping nearby products. She's checking out some cocoa butter cream and other stuff when I hear her blurt out, "Aw, h_ll no!!!"

Now, when my cousin says something like this, I usually go alert to see if she has spotted someone wearing something inappropriate or looking really broke down. (Don't forget, we did spot the 500-pound lady wearing "Daisy Dukes" in a store...) This time it wasn't somebody but something.

Condoms.

Lubricated condoms, non-lubricated condoms... Condoms in a variety of colors...

Condoms? In the .99 Cent Store? Really? No-freaking-way.

My cousin almost hurt herself getting out her phone and taking a video of this mess. (We figured, without evidence, who was going to believe us.)

Now - is it just us, or does that seem wrong somehow? Selling (or buying) condoms at the .99 Cent Store?

My cousin was like, "What do they do - give away free pregnancy test kits with a box of the condoms?"

That was funny to us until we went to check out and teased the clerk about it. He was dead serious when he told us that they also sell the pregnancy test kits. He also told us that people come in and buy the condoms four and five boxes at a time. (I guess so because who would trust wearing just ONE of them at a time?)

"That's it for me," my cousin said. "That's just it. I am DONE."

*smh*

Peace
--Free

Breathing Again

Six days since I left the hubby & I am learning to breathe deeply again.

When you see the worst side of someone you were in love with, it's such a shock that you block it out and go blind to the negatives. Then, when you do open your eyes and let yourself see... Well, all that ugliness just slams you. You see things so clear that it hurts to do so.

Some truths: The man I loved does not exist. That man was a facade. The real man came out when things didn't go his way. I can't have a relationship with a memory or a ghost & I want nothing to do with the real man. I fell in love with someone I remembered from 30 years ago. I don't even know if those memories were correct. I was blinded by past wishes and dreams.

Now I am learning to relax and see with clear eyes again.

Three years of something like sleepwalking through the days... It's a little overwhelming now that I am "free" and starting fresh.

In 2006, I posted about having found "new love" with an old boyfriend. These days I am writing (on paper) about all that has happened. It feels almost as if all this has happened to someone else, not me.

For now, I am in refuge with my fam. Just soaking up the love and comfort that only family can give when you've been battered by things going on in your life. Next month, it's all new beginnings: new town, new place to live, new people, new opportunities... Come January, it truly will be a "New Year" for me!

In the meantime, I am reconnecting with old friends on Facebook. People I had not heard from all the time I was in my dreamworld relationship. Now that I can talk to people without worrying about his jealousy and insecurity. Now that I can remember who I was before and why I enjoyed life so much.

Yesterday, I looked in the mirror as I was smiling about something and found myself looking at someone I hadn't seen for a while: an unguardged and truly happy me. (A little shaky and nervous about what's to come, but happy!) Last night I went to sleep without worrying about someone else's unresolved issues. I went to sleep looking forward to the future.

It's been a while.

But I am back.

I thank God for being with me on every road I've taken. I thank God for His promise to be with me on the roads ahead. I just thank Jesus for letting me have lived to see another day.

Peace
--Free

Family

I come from a very close and warm family. The friends we (the family) have are close to us also. So I'm used to being surrounded by people who are more than just related to me or acquainted to me. The people I'm used to are those who would do almost anything for me. Not that we always get along, but... they are just warm and there.

This has really come home to me every time I am away from my family and friends. You know, you move and then you are suddenly surrounded by people who aren't yours. It makes a difference.

My family (and friends) are like this: if they accept you, you are now part of this group of people who belong to us. If you are hungry, we'll feed you. If you need money, we'll get it for you. If we are having a gathering, we are going to make sure you feel included and comfortable. It's just the way we are.

Last year, when I had moved to Texas, I wasn't around my family. And, yeah, the folks were friendly enough, but... they didn't really seem to be as close and inclusive as my people are. Matter of fact, I got the feeling that they thought my family was weird.

Here's the thing though: the reason we are the way we are is because of my mom. SHE was warm and inviting. She treated people the way she believed you were supposed to. I remember being young when my older siblings started getting engaged and married. I wasn't always so welcoming to the newcomers. My mom would catch me being a little stand-offish and she'd pull me aside and explain why my behavior bothered her. "This girl (usually one of my about-to-be sisters-in-law) is here around all of us strangers," Mom would say. "How would you like to be a stranger somewhere and made to feel left out?"

I didn't get it then, but, boy did I get it when I was around a bunch of new people last year. Boy, did I understand it then!

So, please, remember to be nice to people. Don't ever let someone feel left out.

Peace
--Free

New 2 the Family

I have a new great-nephew. His name is Damien & his big sis is Tianna.

Now, get ready for this, people, cause you have never seen anything so stinking cute!!!

Lookit that smile!

Looking a lil bored with the picture-taking :-)

Tianna's already told Mom & Dad that Damien is HER baby!
Go ahead: say "Awwwww!!!"

Now look at that & tell me that God's not a good God!
Peace
--Free

Twitter Shout Out!

By now, you all know that I'm on Twitter, and you know I love my twitter friends. The only thing I'm kind of bad about is the Follow Friday mentions. Usually, I'm late doing my list, or I forget and leave someone wonderful off... (I even had been putting up some tweeters over on my Tracks blog, but decided this blog is a better outlet for showing tweet-appreciation.)

Well, this post is for my fave tweeters. These are folks that I'll be following as long as I'm on Twitter. If you're on Twitter or decide to sign up, I can tell you that these are some people who are the coolest. And what do I like about them? Well, either we seem to have a lot in common (faith or interests), or we manage to converse respectfully without having a lot in common. For instance, one of my new faves is @dead2god. Odd, huh, that I would have this one on my list? Not really, because, despite the fact that I am Christian and he obviously is not, we are able to discuss news and such without hate. (And, yeah, I AM trying to win him over to Christ, but whether I do or not, I respect that he respects our communications.) Of course, @bustabitch is my web-sister! She knows how much I appreciate her!

Anyway, here is the list - which I will update often. You just never finish meeting new tweeters! And, by the way, if you want, you can find me @FreeBeing

@twhtan (this man is such a warrior for Christ! He is tireless in his efforts to win souls for the Lord)
@biblestudies
@crjournal
@VictoryMinistry
@faithwalkr
@FaithGuuuurl
@AnointedArts (I almost got to meet her in person when she visited here. We just missed it!)
@goatfox
@mistygirlph
@vovh
@Cortnee4Christ
@carmorg
@crjournal
@biblicaltruths
@ItsJulieChapman
@JimQuillen (He's one of my first faves & always lifts my day!)
@LilianChisca (One of my very first faves & the reason I stuck with Twitter. *waving*)
@Ask4Me
@adndotcom (Anchorage news...)
@BreakingNews (IMO - the best news source on Twitter)
@CRInstitute
@heartcures
@itsmrscooper (We are so silly when we tweet each other. She's very cool)
@BrokePimpStyles (Such a sweetheart. Always kind & always remembers people)
@wordoffaith
@superkingdom
@AlaskaArtist
@ErinPatrick
@JuanitaBerguson
@urbanperspectiv
@ryanfellman (Mellow, wise & kind!)
@heartfulart
@kimshahan
@Jillmz

Like I said, these are not my only faves & I will have to update this list, but if this sample gets you over to Twitter, then I'm happy :-)

Peace
--Free

Yearnings

Man.

Life is so tough sometimes. I think some tough things are easier when they are crappy for you and everyone can tell things are crappy for you, but when tough things are just crappy and people can't understand it... Well, that's the toughest thing of all.

I mean, if you become widowed or get divorced, people can understand that kind of hurt. They understand that, until you've healed, it doesn't seem to matter to you that you have a your health, your home, your job. They understand that those things don't ease the pain of your loss. No one with a decent heart would dream of coming up to you after a funeral or divorce hearing and say that you should just buck up and enjoy your blessings. They'd give you time to deal with your loss and pain, and they'd even acknowledge that part of the loss and pain is now forever a part of you - in spite of your other blessings.

But when you have a unfulfilled yearning for something that many folks take for granted, people don't seem to understand that kind of pain. They not only dream of telling you to buck up and get on with your life, they make it a point to tell you.

Okay, maybe I'm being a little bit unfair. I know that most people (at least the ones I know) are more sensitive that that. But, still, I myself and guilty of sometimes minimizing the hurt caused by things not as big as death, divorce, etc. But then, sometimes, I see someone's hurt rise to the surface so strongly that it can't be ignored.

Here's the thing:

A really special person in my life has always - and I mean, ALWAYS - wanted a baby. She's smart, funny, sweet, amazing, married, settled in home and career and has been ready for the longest to be pregnant. So, after over 7 years, still no baby. And all around her, less smart, funny, amazing, married and settled-in people are having a baby every time you turn around. (Not that some of these folks aren't fit or ready to be parents, but, dang - some of them have NO business getting pregnant at this time in their lives...)

So, of course, when you yearn for something that you just can't seem to have, you see others all around you getting that very thing. And because the rest of your life is so blessed, people can't understand how crappy you feel about that one missing thing.

I myself don't know what it is to yearn to be a mother. I have worried some about that missing desire. Part of the reason I don't have it (or at least this is what I tell myself) is that I helped to raise two of my nieces. Loved them, loved the experience and have been shaped and changed by it for the better, but I feel like: been there, done that. When the girls were young and I tried explaining our home situation to friends and co-workers, I'd joke that I'd been every part of a Mom except for the pregnant part. Don't get me wrong - I have had those temporary flashes of "Awwww...." when watching a new mother and father, or when I'd see an infant dozing or smiling... But the flashes passed. I seriously don't know what it feels like to just ache for the full motherhood experience.

What I do know is what it feels like to yearn for something while it remains just out of reach.

So all I can do is pray for this special person I know and hope that she will be blessed with a child. And I really hope that all those people out there who ARE blessed with children will appreciate their blessing to the fullest. And I am training myself hard NOT to say certain things to her ever again, like: "Maybe it's not meant," or "Just give it time." God knows, I don't want to hear any of that when it comes to what I want. I can tell her to keep praying and seeking God about it. I can let her cry and I can remind her often of what an amazing person she already is.

Peace
--Free

Bust the Busy-ness

I was taking my sis around a few days ago to run errands. We hit up the Target, Walmart, a hair shop, etc. It was a nice day and we just wanted to be out. We had a great time, but it struck me that so many people I saw looked unhappy. I mean, just miserable. It's as if they had no joy or contentment.

Since then, I have been paying more attention to this. I just study people while I'm out and about. I watch to see how many of them are ready to share a smile, and how many of them are looking beaten down. Let me tell you: if you can go by their expressions and body language, there are some really pitiful people out there. Just makes me want to stop and find out what's wrong and if there is anything I can do or say to make them feel a little better.

Anyway, I was talking to my sister about this. I told her I just didn't understand why people seem so determined to be joyless. She doesn't agree with me. She doesn't think it's that people want to be joyless, she thinks it's that they are just too weighted down to remember to be joyful.

The more I think about it, the more I believe my sis may be right. I mean, for one thing, we have been taught to be too busy. You know what I mean, right? It's like we aren't allowed to feel content anymore. We are supposed to be multi-taskers, on-the-go, go-getters... People don't look "important" enough unless they are moving fast and carrying a satchel full of work. It's very status-boosting to talk about the frequent-flyer miles you rack up because of your business travel. It's classy to talk about how you have to squeeze in your vacation time and time for family and time for friends. If you aren't rushing around like a successful maniac, you look... like you aren't successful.

I don't know many people anymore who just go to work, come home and hang out with the family. And when I say "hang out," I don't mean they're cramming in as much homework and extracurricular activities as they can into the off-hours of their lives.

When I was in school, I had two major responsibilities: homework and chores. The rest of the time, I spent with family and friends. Not every moment of my existence was planned and mapped out. A lot of the time, my friends and I just played outside or hung out in each other's bedrooms. We daydreamed, talked, listened to music, walked the neighborhood and hung out with our families. Any sports we played weren't exactly organized. Mostly, we scraggled together for an impromptu game of softball or soccer.

During the daytime hours of the workweek, my parents did their jobs (Dad at the base, Mom at home) and then we were a family in the evening. My parents watched television together, but the television was not constantly on. They sat and talked and had friends over at least a few nights a week. One of my favorite memories is Mom and Dad sitting around the living room, laughing and talking with the Delaneys or the Powells. They'd talk until it was getting dark, then Mom and Dad would follow their guests out into the front yard where they'd all talk a little while longer.

Now I think about how life is and how busy people are expected to be. There's no more peace and quiet in the day. We have to be busy or at least look busy so that we fit in with the rest of the people who are busy being busy.

When I worked for a large family-owned company some years back, I had a boss who understood what time meant. Once, after our department had busted our tails for over a month on a big project, the boss told the group of us to go home early. After I went home to grab some lunch, I went back to the office to clean up some of the things I'd had to neglect while working on the project.

Around 4 or 5 o'clock, my boss saw me in my little cubicle. He wanted to know why I was there. When I explained, he shook his head.

"There is a reason some jobs are 9 to 5," he told me. "You and I work here. We don't own the company. Don't let the company own you."

I thought that was a little de-motivational and I guess my expression showed what I thought. My boss kind of laughed and he asked me to remember something very simple about life-work balance:

"Work to live, don't live to work."

I never forgot that. Wherever I work, whatever I do, I give a hundred percent, but I don't give so much that it damages other parts of my life.

Now there are some people who get so caught up in being busy that they lose their personal joy - and they resent people who haven't lost their joy. For instance, I had a manager once who just did not like me at all. It was purely personal. She was mostly fair with me as far as the job went, but it was obvious that something about me rubbed her the wrong way. Finally, at a company party, when she'd had a few drinks, the truth came out. "You know what bugs me about you?" she blurted out. "You're just too damn happy."

That was it. She was a miserable, discontented woman, even though she was very successful in her career. I bugged her because I was not a miserable and discontented woman. (I have to tell you that some co-workers and I did a little experiment and realized that she favored her workers who groused about their personal problems to her. The sadder they looked, the more she mentored them!)

Ah well.

I guess this was kind of a rambling post, when the only point I really wanted to get across was: How happy are you? Are you to busy to be happy?

Now, there are some people who just are unhappy. They have made it a habit to be unhappy and they don't even realize it. They have forgotten how to smile just to be smiling. It's easier or more comfortable for them to be a grouse. It gives them a kind of power to express their misery. Some people are just too caught up in life to really live it. They will just stay busy until time runs out. Then what? *shrug*

If being busy is a joy to you, then great. But if you haven't ever really slowed down enough to look at whether you are happy or not, this might be a good time to do that.

Peace
--Free

Just Happening

Been getting out more lately. I figure, might as well be out in the sunshine. Usually get out with my sis and a niece. We don't do too much, just get out and ride and people-watch - which is better entertainment than TV will ever be.

Yesterday, sis and I went to Carrs/Safeway for a few things she needed to make spaghetti. Our pal, Bonita, was there. Bonita is a bag carrier at the store. I have never met anyone as instantly sweet and kind as this woman is. Every time we see her, she has a hug for us and she wants to talk about how good God is. I can be in the worst mood, but once I see Bonita, I am just filled with knowledge that God IS and that He has put people like Bonita in my life.

In other news, the weather is starting to turn. It's more likely for the day to be cool and overcast than sunny and warm. You can feel a deeper chill in the night air. Just a few weeks ago, the nights were warm enough to leave a window wide open while you prayed for a breeze. I can't believe how fast the weeks of summer have gone by.

Went with sis today over to Red Apple, which is only THE best grocery store if you're looking for "ethnic" foods. Sis has been craving those canned tamales she loves so much & RA is about the only place they can be found here. I almost always pick up a bag of garlic cloves there. I can get a baggie of about 6 cloves for $2 or I can pay 89 cents EACH for cloves at Carrs/Safeway. I told my sis that if I was of a criminal mind, I'd buy a few bags at RA and return them at Carrs/Safeway...

While we were at RA, a guy came up to sis as we waited to check out and asked what happened that she was missing her legs. This guy looked to be about 30 or so. He had fumes of alcohol coming off him, but he was sweet and kind enough as sis explained that she lost her legs to diabetes and high blood pressure. He told her that his mother had both those diseases and that he had a paraplegic sister. When it was our turn at the register, I offered to let him go first since we had more items. He looked around vaguely and said he couldn't remember what he had come in to buy. I checked our stuff out and the guy was still just kind of hanging around us, looking a little lonely and lost. The clerk told him that if he was going to buy something to buy it, or else quit hanging around bothering people. Sis and I were getting ready to roll out of the store and he was still lingering around us. He looked so hurt as he turned to my sister and asked, "Am I bothering you?" She smiled and shook her head. He then held out his hand to show the clerk that he had three quarters to spend, but couldn't remember what he wanted to buy. When we left, he was still just kind of hanging around.

At the car, I loaded up the stuff we bought and my sister just shook her head. "Poor guy," she said. "He's just lonely and kind of lost."

Now that I'm back home, I can't get that guy's face out of my head. He's somebody's child, maybe somebody's brother, uncle... He is somebody. And he could be any one of us. He's just wandering and lost and not sure what to do with himself. He could be any one of us.

Yesterday, sis and I were talking and I asked again about one of the ladies I haven't been seeing at the dialysis clinic lately. Earlier this week, sis had guessed that the woman was one of the patients who moved to the newer clinic we have here. Yesterday she found out that this woman hadn't moved to the new clinic but had suddenly passed away a week or so ago. Sis said the technician she learned this from wasn't sure what the cause of death was... This woman was maybe in her 40's, but she was very large-sized and she smoked like crazy. Matter of fact, I only ever saw her sitting outside the clinic, smoking cigarette after cigarette and hacking so hard it seemed painful. To me, she's just someone I was used to seeing and won't see again, but to someone else she was a wife or girlfriend or sister or mother... Another life.

Oh well.

Now I'm going to go and try to catch up on some of the other blogs. I've been neglecting my own lately, but I might as well read up on everyone else's.

Peace
--Free

Womanhood, Oh Womanhood (Girls Only!)

One reason I was so happy to turn 48 this year - other than the obvious fact that I'm thankful to be alive! - is that, hopefully, it puts me real close to being done with these monthly periods. (Apologies to the male readers, but I did warn you!...)

I have had trouble with my periods from the first one. When I was younger, up until I was about 20, I had such painful periods that I could not function normally for 2 to 4 days a month. I would literally miss school or work, or go in almost doubled over in agony. My stomach cramps (really, I guess it was uterine contractions) were bad enough that they caused me to vomit and sweat. Some days I had to just lie in bed with my mother bringing me hot tea spiked with whiskey. Later, I had to take muscle relaxants.

It wasn't until I was about to be married that I went on the Pill. What a difference. No cramps. Wow. And periods that didn't last for 7, 9 or 10 days... Double wow. The only problem: the Pill caused extreme nausea for the first several hours after I took a dose. I could literally smell the Pill - a sort of heavy metallic odor - and felt as if I could taste the hormones in the back of my throat. I tried wrapping the tablet in bread or taking it only with something strong-tasting, like O.J. or coffee or cranberry juice. No matter. But it was better to suffer a couple hours of nausea over days of agony.

For the first time in my life I could actually plan my life and events of life without worrying if my irregular and heavy period would just pop up. Of course, I went off the Pill when my marriage ended. At that time I was a smoker and a lot of things like high blood pressure and heart disease run in my family.

Actually, after having been on the Pill for a while, the effects on my period lasted even when I went off. For about a year, I was regular and had a manageable flow. Even when my heavy flow returned, my cramps weren't as debilitating. I could at least manage working and shopping and having family time without too many problems. Whenever I had a medical checkup, I would discuss my menstrual problems with the doctor (usually male) and beg for something to relieve my heavy flow. They had nothing. One doctor (male) did come to sympathize with me when I started my period right before my appointment for a vaginal checkup. Instead of canceling it, he decided this would be a good time to see what might be going on with me. During the checkup, he was amazed at how badly I flowed, and I think he really felt bad when I told him that I wasn't going "heavy" yet. He sent me for some lab work because he worried about the anemia I had mentioned in my medical history. When the results came back, the poor man was shocked at the severity of my anemia. "I don't understand how you function," he muttered as he scribbled out prescriptions for iron pills. "I've had a lifetime of figuring out how to," I told him.

That poor doctor has no idea. I have tried everything for relief. Doctors prescribed painkillers (they didn't take away the pain; I was just groggy & in pain) and muscle relaxants (these worked best, but with no insurance...). Friends recommended remedies such as Mom's tea and whiskey (works great if I want to be drunk) which tends to make my flow heavier. I was told to exercise, especially my pelvic muscles (didn't work & sometime brought on a period). I was advised to drink soy products (tastes great but made no difference). I've heard of herbal remedies and old wives' remedies... Nothing really works that doesn't agitate or cause another problem.

Like I said, the periods are not as severe. Mostly I just have to deal with not having any idea when they will pop up. When my period comes, I might have 2 days or 2 weeks to deal with it. The longest was 17 or 18 days this past year. I was scared to death that time, but with no health insurance, I couldn't go in to verify that anything more unusual was going on.

Today I had to leave church about 10 minutes before it was let out. Between uncomfortable cramps and worrying that I might have an "accident," I couldn't fully concentrate on the last part of the service. (I did think a lot about Eve. I can't wait to get to Heaven and discuss this all with her! LOL)

Anyway, I am relaxing here now, hoping that if I don't move around a lot, I'll feel better. I have dishes and laundry to do, return phone calls to make, dinner to get ready... But for now, I don't have the energy. Typing this just about wiped me right out. I'm too tired even to Twitter!

To all the other ladies out there who struggle with this monthly ordeal: I do understand. And now you understand why this chick is waiting for menopause!

Peace
--Free