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Warning: This is a complaint-filled rant to be followed with a statement of gratitude.
2022 has possibly been the worst year out of the last seven. I'm trying to be thankful for every blessing but I am a bit stuck on the horrible things that happened. Even the beginning of the COVID pandemic wasn't as bad as the past 13 or 14 months.
2020 - minus the COVID part - was an introvert's dream. I did a lot of thinking and worked on being more self-aware. I didn't lose as many close friends and loved ones to the virus. And I survived. Not so bad, right? 2022 on the other hand has been a horror. I lost a best friend, a young niece, an aunt, a cousin, and four or five neighbor acquaintances.
Life can be very cyclical and surprising.
My health has waited for the last weeks of this year to act like a fool. I have recently had a couple of episodes where I felt as if part of my memory had been wiped by a cartoon villain. Seriously.
First episode:
The mailman often leaves our parcels sitting out on a bench in the lobby. While picking up my mail one day, I noticed there was a small package for a neighbor who recently had knee surgery and already uses a walker. The next day on my way to the laundry room, I saw that neighbor hobbling into the building. I waved and she hollered a thank you to me. For a moment, I thought she was being sarcastic - like "Gee thanks for getting the door for me" - and I was staring at her trying to figure out what she did mean. She said, "Thanks. You know - for bringing my package to my door."
That made sense because I will sometimes bring packages from the lobby to leave on the table outside her door, knock and leave. She lives just a door down from me and she has trouble getting around with that walker so she's used to me doing that. Sometimes, she is home, and sometimes she isn't. The problem is, I didn't remember having brought a package to her for a while. When she saw me still just looking at her, she reminded me that I'd brought a package to her the day before.
Oh. Okay.
I had zero memory of that. I do remember that I saw a package for her but not that I'd delivered it. I figured someone else had done the good deed until she kind of laughed and said, I saw you through the peephole but you were gone before I got the door open.
Let me tell you how weird it feels to have no memory of doing something. That's not the first time I've forgotten having done something but it's the first time that I still don't recall when reminded. I couldn't help but wonder if this is what a drunk blackout is like. Scary.
That was just one thing. The second episode isn't as bad but it's still freaking me out.
I don't socialize a lot with my neighbors but I might stop to chat if I see one in the lobby. One day, when I went up to ask our building manager something, she wasn't in her office. The blinds were closed, the doors were locked and the office was dark. One of my neighbors saw me standing there and asked if I didn't get the recent memo that the manager could only be reached by phone until further notice. (We get any memos from management taped to our apartment doors.) I said I hadn't seen a memo. The neighbor and I spent several minutes gossip-discussing why the manager might be off the premises for a while.
Later that day I was doing some light cleaning and found the memo on the counter with some mail and newspapers. The memo is printed on an 8.5 x 11 piece of RED paper. Apparently, since it was with my mail and papers from the past couple of days, it had been on my door before I'd brought it into the apartment. I just have no memory of ever seeing the red memo before then.
So, yeah. Scary. It really is like there are blank moments - wiped or deleted moments - in my memory.
This sarcoidosis has always caused some bouts of confusion and problems with my memory, but this is totally new - at least as far as I'm aware. The next time something like this happens, I'm going to have to call my rheumatologist. But - oh wait - I don't currently have a rheumatologist... The latest one I saw is a traveler and he has gone on his merry way. My next appointment is with a rheumatologist I don't even know and who is 2 hours away. Hopefully, if something else happens before that appointment, my GP will be able to help me figure out what is going on with my brain.
I tell you guys, 2022 is the freaking gift that just keeps on crapping on life. I'm hoping that 2023 will be better. Better for all of us. Better in every way. In the meantime, no matter how often I tend to fuss, I truly am thankful for a lot.
I'm thankful for the friends and family I have left. I'm thankful that I am fed and clothed and housed. I will be going to sleep tonight in a warm and safe place to get up - God willing - to have coffee and breakfast. That's a lot. There are so many people who don't have love and support and food and medicine. There are people with worst illnesses than my own. There are people who go to sleep in fear for their life or are worried about their children or other loved ones. There are people who feel lost and alone - who are lost and alone.
I might be losing what's left of my mind but I have people who will be there for me if I ever do. For now, I was able to write out this post and get through it without too many errors and goofs.
Peace
--Free
