Forgetting What Makes You Sad

Even though I struggle with depression, I pride myself on staying above the worst of it. Most of the time, that is. But I think that winter is starting to get to me because it's been a rough start to 2022.

Maybe what makes this latest struggle so troubling is that I don't have one of my main champions with me this time. And maybe that is what's causing this struggle?

My best friend is having a hard time with her memory and motor function. She can't even properly explain to me what her doctors have told her. I think it is dementia or a cousin to that horrible disease. I just hope that it helps her to forget to be sad.

These days, my buddy forgets to call me. It's hard for me to get in touch with her because she thinks all her callers are telemarketers. I get most of my news about her via one of her family members but I know that she would hate that. She would be really bothered to know that we are discussing her and her health issues. So I try to restrain myself. 

When you have a best friend, you develop what I call "friend reflexes". You hear some interesting news, you call your best friend. You get a weird feeling that something might be wrong with them, you call to check on them. You feel down, you call because you know they will understand. You feel especially happy, you call to share the joy.

My best friend and I were always laughing about something. We might start a phone call feeling grumpy, sad, or mad but we usually ended up laughing like silly 10-year-olds.  I swear that half the time when talking, we'd forget that we are supposed to be adults or "seniors". Once, we got to giggling about something and I ended up dropping my phone on the floor as I hightailed it to the bathroom before I wet myself. And my friend was laughing so hard when I got back to the phone that I thought she might hurt herself.

I've talked a lot about how my friend was there - as a friend, nurse, therapist - when I was going through the worst of my really bad marriage and separation. When I think back on the time she took me in and nursed me for 5 months (while I was unknowingly really sick and on the edge of losing my mind), I think of verses out of  Matthew 25

'..For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’ (Matt 25:35-36 NASB)

Years before, when my mother died, my friend was there for me and my sister. Later in my life, when my oldest brother died, my friend was there for us. When my sister died, she was there for me and even sent a book to help us talk to my 3-year old nephew about death. 

Now that I don't get to talk to her multiple times a week, I miss her so much. When we do talk, she might not even remember that we did. One day before she got started ignoring all phone calls, she called me three or four times in the space of an hour. She didn't remember each call so she would call back "just to talk to my sissy".

She was the one person alive who knew the "before sick" me. She could understand what I hate so much about my sarcoidosis and why. She knows what I was like before so she understands. Or understood. I never felt like I was fighting my illness alone because I had my sister and when I didn't have her anymore, I had my friend.

Since I don't get to talk to her unless someone else is around to tell her that it's not a telemarketer, I text her. I don't know if she reads them or if someone else just sees them. I text to tell her I love her. I'll text her a joke I've heard. I will text to just tell her how much I miss her.

And I am sure that she is sad. Once, when she still called, she had a very lucid moment when she told me how much she hated the feeling of being lost to herself. She knew that she was losing her ability to remember things. I hope that she has forgotten now what is happening to her. I hope that all she has are peaceful thoughts or the peace of not knowing what is happening to her.

Yesterday, I was feeling really med sick. I couldn't sleep so I sat up all night, just thinking about wanting to call my friend. I miss her. I miss my big sister. I miss my mother and my brother. 

Today, I was trying to remember the recipe for a soup that my friend always made. It had cabbage and sausage and tomatoes. I cannot for the life of me remember all the ingredients, ratios, and tips for making it so delicious. I didn't even bother trying to cook. I just sat in the living room and cried.

So, yeah, this weather isn't helping. It's been off-and-on crazy cold. Cold like the North Pole.  And there is so much misery in the world, it's all starting to get to me. But I am going to try to remember everything that my friend would say to me to make me laugh or to make the world a little better.

For now, I am sitting here, unable to sleep and just missing people.

Peace

--Free