Spine-free Moments

• When a comedian makes a really funny joke about something and you realize it sort of describes you, but you laugh along as if they must be talking about someone else. Outwardly, you're laughing harder than anyone else. Inside, you're reminding yourself to find a treatment center for whatever goofy thing it is you're laughing about. I mean, if a comedian is making jokes about it, that shit must be serious. Dude.

• When someone does something extremely rude or ignorant to someone else and you slink off as if nothing happened. The thing is, you just know that you appreciate being stood up for when you're being bullied and you'd find new names to describe any coward who left you to the mercy of such rudeness.

• When a "friend" blurts out in front of others a confidence you shared privately and you just shrug it off. In your head you come up with a whole speech about the vow you'll be taking to never tell such a blabbermouth anything ever again. You even make mental lists on the spot about what you won't share with them again. Ever. (Those lists are so detailed that you need colons and semi-colons to sort them.)

• When someone is talking, talking, talking to you and you damn near bust a gut instead of interrupting them to go to the bathroom. Notice that these chatterboxes are usually the same people who will rudely interrupt your part of a serious conversation to point out some minor distraction that means nothing to either of you.

• When you let someone monopolize valuable time because you don't want to interrupt their meaningless rant about that rash on their ass. Or whatever. (Though I usually want to know if I'm in the presence of someone with a rash on their ass, just in case that shit is airborne and contagious.)

• When caught in a lie, instead of being mature enough to admit and apologize, you go into elaborate details with other lies to cover up or excuse the first one. (It's even worse when your cover lies are so creative that you want to go home and write short stories about them.)

• When you really like someone but they get a big head about it so you pretend you can't stand the very stink of their presence. What's worse is when you figure out that they liked you too but they are just as shy and insecure as you are. Too bad. Two silly dumbasses would probably make a great couple. Or... not? Never mind. (Did I really type 'the very stink of their presence'???)

• When you take an unpopular stance about something, but only in your head, and don't speak up when the issue is being discussed. Maybe you're afraid of the beating your belief will take. Take the hits and speak up. If you don't your soul will take the beating for you.

• When your friend is in the wrong, but you stand silent while he/she sits on their pity-pot about it. It's even worse when they sit on their throne and beat everyone else over the head with their scepter.

Damn. My spine is in a snit just from me writing that list. I don't know why making good choices is easier in our heads. My goal is to live making better choices instead of:

• Money over Matter. 
• Feelings over Sense. 
• Lust over Love. 
• Around over Through.
• Winning over Fair.
• Payback over Forgiveness.
• Right over Compassion.
• Looks over Beauty.
• Easy over Struggle.
• Cheating over Learning.
• Wrong over Right.
• Cookies over Salad.

Okay, that last one was just... Well, actually, that one's true too!

Peace

--Free

My Writer's Wishlist

• Fingers that type as fast as thoughts come into my head.
• To have my thoughts print right out onto the page.
• To think my story right into the heads of readers.
• Not wasting time thinking thoughts like those last three.
• The ability to read through my work without adding, deleting and re-writing parts.
• To not have to stop and laugh, cry or meditate on something I've written.
• For writers to get the same kind of attention that someone does for doing something idiotic or pointless that went "viral" online.
• Someone to clean my house when I get into a writing mania and just cannot be bothered with  doing earthly things like chores.
• Money enough to write without worrying about work or whether the bills in my mailbox are white, blue or pink this month.
• A sponsor.
• A sponsor with a big bank account and a bigger heart for artists.
• A sponsor who doesn't think that sleeping with him is part of the deal.
• A drink.
• A drink and a cigarette, if I could still smoke.
• Being able to smoke only when I am in writing mode and being able to not smoke when I'm out of writing mode.
• A magic mug that refills itself with hot coffee, cream and sugar as I need it.
• A safe, non-addictive drug like cocaine that would let me write for hours on end without becoming fatigued but that wouldn't cause wars or any other type of crime.
• God to let me live long enough to finish writing out all the stories I have in stored in my heart and soul.
• Some way to make all these wishes come true.
• And, if I can't have these wishes, then I'd settle for all the stuff on my Amazon list.

The Writer's Kitchen

(It's early, I'm unsettled. I have to write something, anything. Good morning, life.)

As a writer, I feel like something of a chef. And I like that idea.
My stories come from recipes of thoughts.
My thoughts come from my past, present and future ingredients of my experiences.
I test them, taste them, add a little seasoning, and taste them again.
I've thrown out entire meals that took months to prepare.
I will not serve up what did not become precisely what I meant it to be.
There are pieces of recipes jotted on the backs of receipts and books, even in eyeliner on the gum wrappers.
Aperitifs to set the mood and stir the appetite. They are either the easiest or most difficult to create.
Perhaps and appetizer to prepare the palate for what's to come.
And then, the main dish. Spicy or smooth; forbidden, maybe even wild and gamey.
Everything else has mattered, but here is where I've put in what had to be ripped out of me.
Then dessert. Like the best cigarette you've ever had after the best release of the most intense passion.
And some digestif. A reward for joining me at my table. Something to let the guest sigh with contentment.
The readers - my guests, they will be back for more. If I have earned it, there will be a clamor for seats at my future tables.
When one story is finished, its stains and scraps still with the reader, I go and prepare to write again.
I will browse the aisles of my memories to search out new seasonings to pair with the staples stashed at the ready: desire, perseverance, suffering and madness.
Writing feeds hungry souls and satisfies the cravings of the mind.
What I do matters.
What I do is real.

Peace
--Free

Being the Writer I Am

• Knowing that a great blog post today means a reader might be disappointed tomorrow.
• Being okay with that because I know they might still come back to see what else I have to say.
• Writing about a character's problems and hoping that people don't think I'm that character.
• Sometimes wishing people could know I am some of my characters.
• Not being able to read anything but what I'm working on because I don't want to mimic another writer's voice.
• Feeling like no one else understands what I'm going through while working on a story.
• Realizing that I sort of like that no one else understands what I'm going through while working on a story.
• Picking up pieces of characters from people I meet and using them in a story.
• Thinking of all the stories that will die with me if I don't get them written down.
• Letting that last thought motivate me to write those stories down.
• Worrying that, since I am so broke, I should be doing something other than writing.
• Knowing that, no matter what, writing means so much to me that I'd rather die of being broke than I would to die of not writing.
• Knowing that there are a some people who will understand that.
• Knowing that not many people will ever understand that.
• Usually not really giving a damn whether or not people will ever understand that.
• Wanting to smoke when I am writing, even though I no longer smoke.
• Falling so in love with my own characters that it's hard to let them be who they need to be.
• Knowing that, since I never had kids, my stories will be what tells the future I was here, and mattered.
• Writing about people I want to fall in love with, be friends with, go out for drinks with, and tell my secrets to in the dark.
• Wishing my mother could be here when I finally have my name printed on a hardback book.
• Knowing that my mother *is* here, in some way, whenever I am writing all these stories.
• Getting into such a writing mania that nothing else matters: not typos or grammar or language. 
• Knowing that there will be time enough for all of that to matter once I've freed the story from my heart.
• Having known people that become inspiration for my stories.
• Knowing that I might one day meet someone I thought only existed in my stories.
• Being able to say "my stories".
• Having worlds I've created to escape to when the world around me isn't everything I want it to be.
• Knowing that I might not be accepted and celebrated as writer until I've been dead and gone for hundreds of years.
• Being mostly okay with that because being known and celebrated doesn't matter as much as the writing does.
• Not wanting to be like any of my favorite authors, but wanting to be someone they'd want to be.
• Dreaming dreams that I can put down in words for other people to read about.
• Knowing that, for all my weaknesses, I have something so good in me that writing is the only way to express it.
• Sometimes, editing out of my stories things that I think reveal too much of who I am.
• Putting those things back in the story because I realize it's okay to reveal who I am because it's okay to be who I am.
• Being so lonely when I am writing that I have to enter the company of my characters.
• Turning depression, frustration, fear and anxiety to my advantage by writing.
• Knowing that, because I write, I am part of a group of very special people.
• Knowing that, just as I have fallen in love with creative people I've only met through their work, someone is going to fall in love with me.
• Knowing that that's a perfecty good thing.
• Feeling like I've been unplugged from the Heavens when I come out of the dream state that is writing.
• Being thankful to God that he gave me this urge to express myself and a way to do it.
• Knowing that there are people reading all this who understand everything I am saying.

And that's what it means to me to be the #writer I am. That's what it means to be me.

Peace

--Free

Don't Like and Do Love. A List.

The Don't Likes:

• Automatic doors that hesitate so long that I almost run into them.
• When I'm too stupid to realize the automatic door is 'slower' than I am.
• Well-dressed people who ruin the look with a bad attitude. 
• The mean thoughts I have about those people, like hoping they trip and fall while I'm watching. 
• Parents who let their bad-assed kids loose on the public, and then act as if you were the one who advised them not to teach the little monsters how to behave.
• Other shoppers who hog the aisles with their carts, then get pissed if you bump into it while trying to pass.
• Shoppers who pretend to be deaf and blind when you are trying to pass them in an aisle.
• Adults who never use the words/phrases "Thank you", "Excuse me", "Please", "Hello', "Sir" and "Ma'am".
• Children who aren't being taught the above words/phrases.
• Men who don't hold doors for women. 
• People who find the above statement sexist or anti-feminist.
• Drive-through coffee service when I can't just request cream to add for myself.
• Weak coffee.
• Coffee so strong that an entire bottle of creamer won't mellow it out.
• Men who wait for a woman to make the first move.
• Women who scared men out of making the first move.
• People who think a man holding a door for a woman is a 'statement' of some kind.
• Sloppy kisses. Unless it's from a dog.
• Kissing a dog. Of any kind.
• Not being able to cancel obligations at the last minute without appearing rude.
• Cancelling obligations at the last minute.
• Fake apologies.
• Making fake apologies.
• Morning breath so bad that hazard lights ought to start flashing with your first words.
• Mistaking someone's long, thoughtful stare for flirting.
• Flirting with someone you only thought was flirting with you.
• Getting halfway through a manuscript before you decide to change a character's name.
• Seeing descriptions on social media that could mean anything.
• Not understanding exactly what it means to be a "brand specialist" or "life optimizer".
• Having someone who lives in the shadows and stalks your online profile.
• Wondering if that person is masturbating to your profile pic.
• Trying to take a cute-but-not-whorish-looking profile pic.
• Trying to look attractive, serious, intelligent, fun and un-posed in a profile pic.
• Trying not to capture glass-cleaner streaks or runs when you take that bathroom mirror selfie.
• Getting stuck in a check-out line behind a person who bought everything that needs a price-check or that they have a coupon for.
• Not having one of the coupons for the same thing you have in your own basket.
• Having hair that only behaves the way you want when you aren't going to be seen by one damn person you care about.
• Not feeling well and not being able to explain why.
• Drinking coffee on the patio and swallowing something that could have been a lump of powder cream or the baby spider you saw earlier.
• Not being able to find that baby spider anywhere near where he was before.
• Not being able to make yourself throw up the coffee.
• Thinking about that nasty, unidentified lump every time you drink something for the next week.
• When I visit my toddler nephew and he's so busy playing that he pays me no attention at all.
• Having nothing to write with or on when you have an idea for a story.
• Damn near hurting yourself to get to pen and paper and forgetting the idea you had.
• When the idea you had really sucks snot once you get it written down.
• Writing what is possibly the most eloquent thing ever to leak from your brain only to read it over and think, "Meh."
• When you're so broke you can't pay attention.
• Finding a great sale on a product you've been wanting at the time you're brokest.
• Being broke. Period.
• When you've re-arranged all your bills so that you have lights, food and gas, and then reading news about someone who bought diamond-encrusted nail polish.
• Knowing that, if you could, you might also splurge on diamond-encrusted nail polish.
• Spending forty bucks on something frivolous to cheer yourself out of the blues, then realizing you forgot a bill that's due.
• Returning that frivolous thing so you can pay your bill.
• Realizing that you don't really miss the frivolous thing you returned.
• Buying a lipstick that looks so good  in the store only to realize, once you get home, that it makes you look a little scary.
• Doing the same thing with an outfit, only the outfit makes you look scarier. Or desperate, or cheap, or, maybe, just sad.
• Realizing you can't wear the same cute clothes at fifty-something that you did at twenty-something - or even at forty-something.
• Realizing that maybe you should never have worn some of the clothes you did.
• Wishing you had a "significant other" only because you want someone to have sex with, and you're too good for one-night stands.
• Wanting to have sex and having no one to have it with.
• Wondering if that last item was grammatically... what?
• The term "significant other". 
• Wondering if that term makes you the insignificant one.
• Kissing with no sex.

The Loves:

• Kissing with no sex.
• Having really pleasant conversations with someone you'll probably never ever see again.
• A whole day to do whatever you want.
• Knowing what it is I want to do for a whole day.
• Watching a comedian that makes me laugh so hard my stomach hurts.
• When I visit family and my toddler nephew runs screaming for the door the minute he hears my voice.
• That big, nasty chocolate-and-slobber kiss I get on my ear from my nephew.
• Having a really cute stranger flirt with me, even if I'm never going to see him again and there was no chance that, if I did, anything would come of the flirting.
• Waking up too fast because I think it's a Monday when, really, it's Sunday and I can go right back to sleep.
• Making a CD of that one really good song so I can play it on loop and dance like a maniac if I want to.
• Dancing like a maniac to that one really good song.
• That first perfect cup of coffee first thing in the morning.
• Any cup of coffee first thing in the morning.
• When I wake up with breath so fresh that I wish I had someone to roll over and kiss without throwing their body into shock.
• That one special guy friend I can talk to about any and every thing.
• That one special guy friend who makes me feel beautiful and isn't going to ever (say he wants to) sleep with me.
• Reading a book so good that I adopt the characters as imaginary friends for the rest of my life.
• Writers who write so well that I swear I can hear them telling the story inside my own head.
• Falling in love with the characters I write about.
• Remembering something about a loved one that makes me break into a big smile.
• Knowing that there is a person out there who is going to meet me and make me fall as in love with them as they will be with me.
• Hope.
• Dreams.
• Goals.
• Beating the odds.
• Being here.
• Being me.
• Having so many more "Loves" that I will have to continue this at another time.

Peace

--Free