Complicated Complications

Ever since I tripped and almost fell the other day, I've been self-reflecting and trying to think of ways I can be a better person. There's nothing like a little red-faced shame to make you self-evaluate...

Some people make resolutions at the start of a new year. I make all my lofty promises to myself with every twentieth beat of my heart. I really fight against believing in astrology, but I am the poster child for the Cancerian. Still, I never give up making these little self-improvement promises.

One of my continuous goals is to be more social. Ugh. That one is tough.

Yesterday one of my nieces Facebooked me about an app called Sweatcoin. Apparently, this app lets you accumulate some form of currency based on your step count. Sounds pretty good, right? I mean, most of us are already being tracked by the apps on our phones, so...

When I heard about the app, I asked my niece if it was something that also worked with a stationary bike. Answer: Nope. You have to go outside. My niece knows my personality and got my half-joking response which was basically to cringe at going out and being around people. Half-joking because I really do sometimes feel allergic to society.

I live just a short walk away from one of the most beautiful lakes ever. The air here is clean and fresh and, on most summer days, the weather is almost cinematically gorgeous. I love strolling down to the waterside and sitting in the park, but I have to almost meditate myself into the mood for doing so. The good summer weather brings a lot of people to our tiny town. I don't really have a problem with the people (most are really friendly and laid back), but I do have a problem with feeling surrounded. I know, I know. Some of you might think of me as weird. I prefer to think of myself as batshit complicated.

As much as I loathe crowds, I love my circle of friends. It's teeny-tiny and it's gotten so much teeny-tinier in the past 10 years. Thank you Death. Thank you very much.

My other goal is to really pay attention to all my phobias and figure out why they exist. I have a list of crap that scares me or makes me cringe. Like with most things in my life, I've discussed my phobias here again and again and again and many other agains.

The phobia I have to deal with most often is my fear of flying. Now that I live here in the Lower 48 where friends and family live much closer I'm getting better about plane rides. When I was up in Alaska, the only place I felt sorta-kinds-maybe not as nutty about getting on a plane was for trips to Seattle. And, to be clear, it's not really flying that bothers me. Once we get up and gong, I'm a pretty decent seat neighbor. The part that puts my heart in my throat is the taking-off and landing deal. Someone once explained that taking off and landing is when a plane is more likely to crash. I don't even care if that is true or not. The thought has been planted and it has grown a seed of panic that blooms every time I am on an airplane.

Some of my other "weirdities" don't count as phobias, but they still clutter the craziness of my life. There's my whole thing of not being able to sleep in a closed room while I also don't like having the door open. Okay. This one really is a nutty thing. I always sleep with the bedroom door closed, but I need to either have a window at least partially opened or fans going. Doesn't matter how cold it is. And I almost always have a fan going while I sleep. I swear, I damn near froze to death one winter night when I passed out drunk and naked half on and half off the bed. One of the reasons I don't drink often is because I don't drink well.

Most times, the open-door-fan-on thing is not dangerous to my health. That's because I also like to sleep under a heavy blanket. In the summer warmth, I run both a ceiling fan and a floor fan that is right next to my bed so that it can blow into my face.

I do realize that my phobias make my life more difficult than it needs to be but that doesn't change anything for me. This is who I am. I really am trying to be better but... Here's the thing: if I change, then I'm not my wacky, silly, lovable self? So I have to decide to be better without being too much of anything but me.

Peace
--Free

A Word in this New Year

I had invitations from at least 3 of my neighbors and (of course) my family to "do" New Year's with them. I turned down all invites to spend time cleaning my place and taking care of some minor writing/reviewing obligations. I'm sure no one "gets" why I ignore these special dates. I will try to explain my reasons.

1. New Year's, Valentine's, Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc - they are all seen as holidays by most social groups. I think they should be special and I think they should be observed. I just don't like how we tend to observe the dates. For some reason, we feel we ought to get together and be noisy and eat lots of food and go into excess in spending and gift-giving. The more emotionally mature and introspective I become, the more I see these dates as opportunities to get still and quiet and meditative.
2. I don't want some things limited to certain dates or times of the year. I think that we ought to spend more than one day a year focusing on being thankful; giving special attention to our significant others; getting together as friends and families for meals; taking time to send someone a note or card telling them we love them; re-evaluating and re-setting goals and resolutions and other ways we plan to improve our lives; and going to church or wherever it is that we worship.
3. Instead of buying candy and flowers for our spouses and significant others, maybe we should set some sort of financial goal with them and work together to achieve it. For Christmas, we could focus more on coming together as family and friends to do something for someone - another family or a friend or a stranger in need. I vote to stop buying and giving gifts on a schedule and start being more spontaneous and "real" with our tokens of affection and appreciation. Instead of herding into the grocery stores to make that huge meal a couple times a year, maybe we can buy ourselves some new pots and pans to make meals all year long.
4. I'm even over birthdays. Why treat someone special on that one day of the year and treat them as mediocre or non-existent the rest of the time? 
5. I'm afraid that holidays have become about gratifying inward instead of giving outward. When you celebrate these special times, is about how you made yourself feel rather than how much better you made someone else feel?

I could go on and on (some of you know I can!), but I think you get it. Let's just stop with all the organized, pre-planned, scheduled, rat-on-a-wheel behavior of doing for the sake of doing. Let's maybe start doing things with a real purpose and giving with real love and affection.

If anyone wants to do something for me, I'd love to get a phone call out of the blue or check my mail and find a letter or card. I'd give up every Christmas and birthday gift just to have more genuine, spontaneous love and attention from the people in my life.

Now that I've finished griping outward, I'm going to work on taking my own advice. From here forward, I want to do what the kids like to say and "keep it real".

Peace

--Free

The Spirit of Christmas and Christians

My aunt and I were talking the other day and she mentioned that she does not give out Christmas gifts. In her opinion, Christmas is just one day, meant to mark the birth of Christ - not to shop and indulge each other with presents.

I have a friend with that same opinion. All through the year, she gives money and presents to her loved ones when she thinks they need something or when she just wants to convey her affection for them.

I am a Christmas shopper. I'm also on a super tight budget so this year I started my shopping way back in October. I stockpiled Christmas gifts by hunting down sales and other deals. I managed to stay within budget, plus I already have everything wrapped and ready for Christmas morning. And I've already got the bills paid down. (Okay, there is one exception to the ready gifts, but that's all on Ulta and their slow processing!)

Ever since the conversation with my aunt, I've been questioning my motivation in gift-giving. Why do I wait until Christmas (or birthdays) to do something special for people I care about? Why wait? Am I trying to fit in with consumer tradition?

I've decided that for the future, I'm giving up this kind of silly consumerism. From now on, I'm going to go with my heart. I think my friend has the right idea about giving to and blessing others. Christmas, birthdays, Valentine's Day, etc. are not the only days that people need to feel thought of. There are many times when I have gotten a nice card from my best friend, or some little gift, just because she knew I was in need of the extra attention. I want to be more like her. I want to be more alert to the moods and feelings of the people in my life.

So, I thought about all of this and then I thought of how it ties in with my motivations as a Christian.

I'm that Christian that doesn't attend church every time the doors are opened. I'm the Christian who sometimes isn't always very nice or patient or forgiving or... perfect. I'm a Christian who is truly saved by mercy and not by my works. And it's not that I don't want to be a better Christian. It's just that I am trying to be a more authentic person.

                              

I know Christians who appear more Christ-like than I do. They are always in church, or they carry their Bibles everywhere. I know a couple of Christians who talked their faith all over their day jobs, but when it came time for them to be decent people in real-life situations, they were no better than the worst person on the street.

I guess I am making an early resolution. From now on, I am going to carry the spirit of Christmas and Christ with me in my daily life. I won't wait for a special occasion to give gifts or to be Christlike in my actions.

If I hadn't talked with my aunt, I might never have gone down this path of self-examination. Thank goodness that I have friends and loved ones who set such great examples for the rest of us.

Peace
--Free

Real Resolve

I didn't make any New Year resolutions, but I sure as hell hope some of you will. I'm so tired of just a few people wrecking chances for the rest of us to be happier and more content with this beautiful life we've been given. So, if I can be honest, let me suggest a few goals for some folks out there.

• Will you "yummy mummys" please go away with your rubber-band bodies? The media have overloaded the rest of us with your useless wonderfulness.You have a baby and, two weeks later, we see your naked ass all over Instagram and Twitter. I am speaking for the rest of us who are a little fatigued of seeing your 110-pound bodies (where the tits account for 10 of those pounds) all over the news. With the exception of a few ladies (who just happen to have stolen the metabolism I had in my twenties), you gals forget to mention the staff of "Personals" you have helping you make the rest of us hate you: personal trainers, personal chefs, and those folks you hire to keep you away from fattening food the way you hire other folks to keep you away from drugs. Get out of my face.
• You celebrities who like comparing yourself to soldiers and policemen and even (~sigh~) Jesus... Will you stop already? When you can honestly say that you personally rescued someone or laid down your very life for them (without calling the paparazzi to record the event), then I won't hurt myself doing an extreme eye-roll the next time I hear you bragging about making it rain in a strip club. 
• This one is a little random, but touches closer on us "regular" people. Let me ask all the international vacationers to be a little more courteous to the citizens of the land you're guests in. I am so embarrassed when I hear about the way we Americans act away from home. Keep it up and the next time I go somewhere out of the country, I'm not going to correct people who assume Alaska is part of Canada. And for the folks visiting us here in the U.S., please treat us the way you'd want us to treat you. I'm not going to call out any specific people here, but I will just say that being rude does not make you look classy, educated or above the rest of us actual mortals.
• (To the ladies) For those of you who like to whine about the poor quality of men in the world, why not try being a better person yourself. I believe that we attract what we signal for. I'm not saying that there aren't some bad apples out there, but, if you don't talk but scream like a banshee, dress like you just don't give a damn, and act like a skank, well... Don't be surprised when you attract guys who wouldn't be ashamed to have you as their woman. And please stop judging a man by his wallet. If he's got a job, he might only need a good woman to work his way to the "de-lux apartment in the sky-y-y". If you do get a jerk, hope that your friends wonder why you are with him. By the way, there are lots of jerks with great jobs or lots of money. Who the hell wants a jerk? Oh yeah, a skank gold-digger.
• (To the guys) Please start wearing your big boy pants again. If you like a woman, don't wait for her to break the ice. When you break the ice, try to be a gentleman about it. Wolf-whistling and making a comment about a woman's ass is not the way to go. (Well, not most of the time.) And please stop rating women only by the way they look. Haven't you ever been attracted to someone for their smarts, their quirks or sense of humor? Well, you don't "see" all that until you get past the makeup, hairstyle and Victoria's Secret magic. One more thing: before you start looking for Miss Universe, take a good look in the mirror. (That also go for the Plain Janes looking for a Channing Tatum.)
• (To the kids) I'm talking to those of you in your teens - thirteen to nineteen. You are young. Be young. Enjoy it because you're going to miss it when it's gone. Stop trying to be as stupid as some adults who think that being "gangsta" or "hard" is a good thing. Being stupid is not a good thing - for the young or old. Try being smarter and kinder. Shoot for setting trends that will make a positive difference in this world. Get your education. Enjoy the paid-for roof over your head. Talk to - no, listen to, all those "old" people in your life. They are part of your history and you, someday, are going to need to share that with your kids.

Yeah, so...

Maybe the only resolution any of us should make is one that is easy to accomplish: to just be better today than we were yesterday. I can handle that. Can you?

Peace

--Free

Smoke and Snow

Winding up my first day on Chantix. Done with my first month of it really being winter. Hopefully, come spring, I will be smokefree, extra-pounds free and, please, oerish please, my Lord in Heaven, sweater-and-coat free!

I am making my New Year's wishes (not resolutions) early:

• To be back to work before the end of 2013
• To have mended any broken relationships
• To cherish each moment that I am healthy & Sarc-free
• To build on all the new friendships I am being blessed with everyday
• To live every moment as if it is my last: taking chances, risking ego for joy

Those are the things I am working on. For today & quite a few tomorrows (God willing), I am going to finish whipping this apartment into shape.

Peace
--Free

Fearless. Peerless. Free.

Since I am now 45 years old -- Grown & Sexy, as Supa would say -- I resolve to live life a little fuller from the here on out. Not by making major life changes (I'm not good at major or changes), but by taking tastier bite-sized pieces of being me.

I know y'all noticed my new motto: Fearless. Peerless. Free. So, I resolve to:

Smile more.
Life is so very beautiful in all the happy & sad, good & bad colors it comes in. Smiling will be my constant and consistent Thank You to God for it all.

Flirt more.
Well, okay -- I'm already a huge flirt, but going to try to keep that up.

Dance more.
Not so long ago, I was my own private dancer. I danced around the house, bopped my head while I drove, and choreographed moves for every daily chore and tribulation. I'm not sure when I stopped feeling the music so deeply, but I'm convinced it was around the time I first started trying to be more "adult."

Buy more upper-body lingerie.
It's official folks: Thanks to my Victoria's Secret gift certificate, your girl Free now owns a bra. Last time I owned anything with cups and straps was when I was getting married and Mama just didn't believe I should be bra-less until after the wedding. Now, I have to tell you, it was a little embarrassing getting fitted to find out that I'm a 36B. After she finished snickering, my well-endowed niece taught me the ABC's of chesticles: A= Attempt, B=Bless your heart, C= Complete, and D=Damnnnnn!

That's cool, tho. My little shit looks good propped up here. Hell -- I damn near have cleavage. Plus, I have my VS wings now (They came with a credit card) LOL.

Practice my autograph.
I'ma need a cool Hancock for when my stuff hits Bestseller status. (Yeah, all right, I know, I know -- it's got to hit published status first!)

Quit cussing so fucking much.

Write erotica.
(Under a pen name, tho.) I had to cut a good fourteen pages out of "Enough" because it's supposed to be romance and not porn. That mess was good, y'all -- too good to shred. Plus, I need the money to support my new Bath & Body/Victoria's Secret habit... (Did you guys know the companies are related? Yep.)

Smoke at least one joint.
Never have & never regretted it, but I want to see what it does for my creative processes.

Quit threatening to take time off from blogging.
First of all, I never follow through. Matter of fact, I usually get freaking prolific two seconds after I make the vow. Second of all, my blogs are like steam vents on a tea kettle. I need to let off some of my thoughts here so that the good ones don't boil over before I get them onto paper.

Write poetry.
I love poetry and I have tried my hand at it, but I really suck. Too damn bad, tho. I'ma torture the hell out y'all when I start posting verse on this blog!

So. Sound good? I think so. Of course, I have the attention span of an embryo & I'll probably forget half these resolutions before I sign off.

Peace,
--Free

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Taking a moment to breathe

No matter what it looks like I haven't gone completely lazy on this blog. I'm just taking a little time to breathe. But I thought I should check in to see how my blog-buddies are doing. I don't want y'all to think I melted off the face of the earth (although that's entirely possible to do!)

It's been so hot the past few days that I've been staying inside as much as possible. I hear that when it hits the 120's, it's not even "cool" to go out in the afternoons. Even a houseful of scorpions won't be able to run me out of the house then, so I guess that will make for a good time to write! In the meantime, I've been making lists of things I want to do - you know, all those things you put off because of lack of time, laziness, or just letting the world get in the way. Here's my list so far (and I don't want to hear no mess about all the food-related items...):

1. Go back to Olive Garden with my family and spend at least 3 hours there (just like you see in the commercials). I want everyone to order something different so I can try a taste of EVERYthing. I want to sit there and relax so long that all the people still waiting for a table will really hate us.

2. Hit this new spot my sis-in-law told me about: early on, nice live jazz, with plenty of table-seating and good appetizers; later on, a DJ and more crowded, but we won't care because we'll have our table already. I can't remember the name of the place right now, but I want to say it sounds like "Nodu," Nibo"... Something like that. At any rate, I'm excited because, supposedly, it's for the grown and sexy. Get to dress up and see people wearing something other than shorts, tanks and flip-flops.

3. Go to a non-Vegas casino. I'm not big on the gambling thing, but I want to see what the big deal is about all the different places on the reservations. (I've been to Vegas a few times & pretty much stroll the slots with my cup of nickels and free drinks... More on that later.) I'm pretty sure the reservations will be a scaled back version of the Vegas houses, and I'm curious to see what the food will be like. And then...

4. ...Go to Vegas. And this time, catch some of the shows. I swear, I never have made it past the buffets or the cheap-o slots -- not that I don't plan to eat, but maybe I'll actually go into a place that doesn't have big steel warming trays lined up against the wall! Once before, I spent one evening people-watching, just absolutely fascinated by the assortment of weirdos who hang out in such beautiful hotels. (Also, while I'm there, I want to go to the one casino that features the rollercoaster... Or maybe that's at more than one place???)

5. Drive over to Texas and Arkansas to see some of the extended fam. It will be nice to take a road trip that doesn't take forever or involve crossing the border of Canada. Of course, this means I have to hurry and sell this truck AND wait for gas prices to come down to a little cheaper than the price of gold.

6. Get me some nice stationary and write some real paper-and-ink letters. I almost didn't know how to address the envelope when I wrote my grandma "Aunt Ollie." That whole envelope and fold 'n stamp thing just taxed my brain! It's so much easier to hit a SEND button.

7. Get back to work on the family tree. It's taking me longer to do that thing than it took to create the family. There's just not enough time in my life for both the family tree and the writing. As it is, you see I'm struggling to break out of hermit-writer mode.

8. Do more reading on writing. I took time out the other day to catch up on John Baker's blog. I tell you what, that man has so many encouraging and useful words for the writer. I read through his various "lessons" & felt like a really hungry person pulling up a seat at a table set for kings. (And wouldn't you know that some of his advise was to not forget to do things other than write.)

9. Cut my hair. Yep. I'm tired of this mop. Arizona's climate is not exactly friendly to ethnic hair. Like I said, I don't have oodles of time these days & the whole hair-care thing is working a tired nerve. I'm trying to work up to going ultra-short because that would be the easiest. Just wash & oil the crown and go. Of course, not everyone can pull off the short look. And I don't want to end up with one of those styles that takes more time than longer hair does - you know, having to gel it, slick it, tie it... At least with longer hair, I can always snatch this stuff back into a tail or bun. I'm not a fan of sleeping in curlers, doo-rags, wraps, etc. Shoot, I tried to sleep in some sponge curlers the other night & almost gave myself a heart attack while I was still on scorpion watch. Sponge curlers are cruel. I slept right out of one of them bad boys, woke up and felt something next to my face... Hey. I rolled and hit the floor like a SWAT trainer. So, uh...yeah. I need a low-maintenance shortie style. I might need to go try on some wigs before I make a commitment.

10. Go with my girlfriends to my new favorite place to eat at least once a month. First of all, I think it's very important for women to make time for each other. We get all caught up with work, life drama, and waiting to exhale that we forget to come together every now and then to just breathe. Breathe in some shared chick wisdom, empathy, encouragement, tears - both the laughing and crying kind. Just to be women together.

Second of all, Famous Dave's has bread pudding that makes my mouth go "Yippee!" I ain't lying, I have never had such a combination of light/fluffy/cool/sweet heaven on my tastebuds. It's just a joy. Truly. (And it comes with enough spoons to share, so you don't feel like a blimp when you leave.) Then, when and if I get tired of Famous Dave's , I guess the girls and I can rotate to one of the other 3 million places they have to eat around here. (There's a little bar and grill that I noticed a week ago... I might need to cruise back by there and see what the menu looks like.)

11. Spend some time not writing, not working on the Tree, and not doing anything that restricts my mind to moment, time or place. I guess I just want to spend some time to let my mind breathe. (What is it with me and this Breathe theme???)

12. Take more pictures. Of the family, of the scenery, of life as it's happening. AND actually get the pics developed (or printed) and labelled. New photo album time. Years from now, when people look at the photos, they'll know who's who & exactly why they're laughing with their mouth hanging all open - because I will not only label the pics, but make little notations. So there.

13. Donate to a couple of those funds for kids. I'd like to pick two charities: one for local kids and another for a child anywhere in the world. (I'm too fickle, selfish and moody to say that I could be a Big Sister volunteer. I could just see myself breaking dates with the child whenever I had a mood swing.)

14. Keep adding to this list. I don't ever want to get to a point where I don't crave breathing new air. (Damn! There's that breathe thing again. I need to set some time aside to explore this with my inner psychologist.)

So there you have it: the Do List. Let's just all pray for October to get here. For now I'm not trying to do anything that requires walking more than 20 feet from my ride until this heat shuts down a little.

Peace
--Free