Teeth, Eyes or Limb?

Yes, it's time once again to play the game of If-you-had-to-lose-one-thing... (I don't know why I do this over and over. Well, I do know: it's because my answer always changes!)


Let's see - if you had to lose one thing today (other than your life, of course), what would it be? And I'm not talking about things like the love of God. I don't play around with that! I'm talking some ability or function.


My first thought is that I would not mind losing my ability to taste things. Maybe my big behind would lose some weight! I'd only want to lose taste if I could also lose any sense of smell. I know that the two go together, but I think it would be absolute torture to be able to smell a wondeful meal AT ALL and not be able to savor the taste. Then again, if I could not smell, what about things like fire?


Sooo... No. Taste and smell are out.


Hearing woud be my next choice. Except I am so nosy that nosy is a required daily vitamin in my life! But we'll hold that one aside. I might could deal with lack of hearing.


Sight is definitely out. I can't even stand my situation of being... whatever it is when big things are blurred at a distance and small things are blurred up close. Yeah, I've had a taste blurring sight. I don't think I would want to be blind. Again - too nosy and too visual. I love being able to see the beauty in things.


This is getting kind of tough.


Losing the sense of touch might not be the worst thing. How bad would it be to not be able to feel something? (And I mean this for those of us past our youthful hormonal existence and primary reason for living.) 


I think I am on to something with the touch thing. I really can't imagine any cons. Think of the benefits...


Doing the worst of your dishes without being bothered by the residue of leftovers and the slime of old soapy water. Doing laundry without feeling those crusty-toed socks that men seem to create just by wearing them.


Okay, that's not exactly a plethora of benefits, but the lists of cons is pretty bare.


Wow. I think I finally have the answer to this quandary!


Peace
--Free

Where I sit

So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spake a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great. (Job 2:13)


I have been listening some to the contending politicians. Some are doing a lot of talk about people in need. What they are saying is not very thoughtful or insightful  By that I mean that they are not thinking deeply about what they say and they are speaking on things into which they have little personal insight. How do I know this? Because I have said some of the same things in the same way.

Little did I know - back when I was pontificating on it - that poverty and need is not a stereotype. There is no stereotype for those conditions. There are stereotypes for actions and consequences, but not for conditions and circumstances.

I am black and female, on food stamps and medicaid. Sounds like a what some would call a stereotypical situation until you think more about how I got here and have some insight into how it affects me.

I was previously of a different "stereotype." A woman in a solid family, working in skilled fields of employment -  as a corporate trainer for a customs broker, then as a real estate clerk, then as a specialist in a state unemployment office. Yes, the irony. I owned an average home (nothing fancy, but not shabby, and in a very decent neighborhood), drove an average car, had the average "working stiff" lifestyle. I never considered myself as being financially poor, but realized that I was not upper middle-class or above and was content with that. I have no criminal history - in fact, I had a Homeland Security/FBI clearance for my brokerage employment - and my neighbors felt safe living near me. I was liked and respected.

That was about six years ago.

Understand, please, that living does not always go as we plan. Things happen that you don't expect to. Economies stumble, families lose members, hasty decisions turn out badly, people lie to each other. One thing leads to another - another same sort of thing, another good or better thing, or another bad or worse thing.

In my case, I have been led to where I lost a house, finances crashed badly, emotional health suffered, then physical health followed.

Here I am. Black. Female. On food stamps. On medical aid.

I am not a statistic or a stereotype. I am a person trying to heal and get back to a better place in life.

Please don't talk about me as if I have a color-coded, bar-scanned tag plastered across my forehead. Don't try to popularize your opinions - to win votes or friends or an argument around the office - by labeling my situation. You might be right here where I am someday. If not you then maybe your son, daughter or other loved one.

In the meantime, don't wait to be where I am to gain compassion.

I am taking action to get better and to get out of this situation. That's really all anyone else needs to care about.

Peace
--Free

Edrick

In thinking about and talking about people I know, I can list the good, the bad and the ugly. I know a lot of beautiful people. I know people who I believe should have halos and wings. Then there are those people who should have horns and a spiky tail! lol... One of those people I will call Edrick. Good as name as any:

Edrick is the person who is very intelligent, charming and sure of himself. We all know an Edrick. He is the one who is fazed by nothing. The one who never sees things as a worry but as a challenge. We all secretly (or even not so secretly) want to be a bit like Edrick.

Edrick is an accomplisher, a meeter of goals, a riser to challenges, a winner, a success. Edrick is driven to taste all the finer things the world has to offer. Edrick is never content, never still, never at ease. Edrick lives for more, bigger, faster, latest, better and best.

But Edrick has his own errors of personality.

Edrick - for all that he is and all that he has - is lacking something. There is a meanness about Edrick, a need to belittle people. Edrick needs, just every now and then, to make someone the butt of a joke or a taunt. He needs to be just a touch cruel. It's as though Edrick's own decency is held together with a very fine and fragile network of emotional wires that sometime snap.

Edrick is the one who will, in the midst of laughter, warmth and camaraderie, suddenly toss out a nasty jibe at the unsuspecting. What he says will have the illusion of being in jest while having the ability to cut deep into the soul of his victim. But because of his charm, Edrick will get away with it. His victims are chosen carefully - they are the ones who love him, look up to him and want to please him. They are timid and eager not to be hurt. And when they are hurt, they hold it inside with all the other gifts of pain and disappointment that Edrick has doled out over time.

The Edricks of the world feel tallest when standing above someone and feel most powerful when a light is shining their way. That is the error of the Edricks of the world. There is a missing piece to all that they are, all that they have accomplished, all that they gather.

I believe there are too many Edricks because the world admires Edricks. The world does not stand up to them. No one speaks for the victims of Edricks. The only way to survive an Edrick is to be steeped in God's love and favor and strength or to be as wicked and lacking as an Edrick.

So, of the people I have known in this life, the Edricks are the most damaging and exhaustive. Fortunately, there are anti-Edricks. I will save those for other posts.

Peace
--Free

Afflicted

Definitions of "depression"

Psychiatry . a condition of general emotional dejection andwithdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than thatwarranted by any objective reason. 

A depressed  or sunken place or part; an area lower than thesurrounding surface.

Both work when talking about the state of our minds and lives.

There are so many amazing people using Google Plus. Someone there was brave enough to announce his personal battles with depression. Another person remarked that "Silence is deadly." So I am speaking following example and speaking out here about my own battle. (Not that regular readers probably haven't guessed at it before!)

I don't really know how to address the issue except to point out some things I have noticed:

• My depression is mine and no one else's. I don't understand it fully and I can't expect others to understand it with or for me.
• I don't need people to understand it. I just need them to accept me with my depression and it's weight.
• Some people feel that depression is just a bad mood that a person can "snap out of." 
• Being depressed is not the worst part of this battle. Trying to pretend I am not depressed is the worst part. Trying to appear "normal" and "happy" when I am not.
• Depression for me is sometimes a force of  sudden "Un-ness."  Un-expected, un-controllable, un-explainable, un-definable tears and grief and ground-opening-up-beneath emotional terror. There is a sense of being un-tethered from life, un-loved, un-lovable, un-needed, un-able, un-salvageable. 
• Depression for me is a sense of complete alone-ness. For long moments (minutes, hours, days...), I will feel as if I am locked in glass walls of sadness while I can see other people moving on around me, living their lives so normally while normal is not something I can comprehend at the time.
• When depressed, I am not only sad but disappointed that others cannot see my pain. The things they do and say that have such profound impact on me - it means nothing to them because the can't understand my depression.

Maybe that explains it all somewhat. Maybe not.

Part of my depression is due to my Sarcoidosis. I was in a period of depression for months before I was diagnosed. It seems to have gotten worse with the raging of the Sarc. I think that some of my depression is due to the disease itself and some is due to my dealing with the disease. I don't know if that makes sense, but having the disease is one thing in a physical way and another thing is a daily living way.

Since I have been diagnosed, some people treat me as though I am less than I was before. Less smart, less capable, less human, less real, less worthy. God forbid I have a mood swing and get grumpy. This disease gives some people an excuse to be cruel and superior. But in a very nice and loving kind of way, mind you.

Depression is tough, but so is life. Depression is part of my life so I treat it as such. I am lucky to have an understanding and truly compassionate doctor and a best friend who deserves wings and a halo. They keep me steady (for the most part) and constantly repair me when I break myself into mental pieces and the rest of the world steps on those pieces. 

If you know someone who you think might be depressed, pray for them. Try to approach the subject of their getting help. Make it easy for them to open up. It's okay for you not to understand the depression; you can still love the person. And don't let their smiles fool you. No one can appear happier than a person who is about to drown in depression. 

Peace

--Free

Mami

I was just now commenting on my G+ to someone about the sweet people I meet when I visit my sister during her dialysis treatments. One of them I think of as "Mami."

Mami is so easy to fall in love with. She is a tiny lady always wrapped in layers of shawls and scarves. Under all those wrappings, I can tell that she has lovely hair, thick and smoothed back in waves. When the technicians seat her in her dialysis chair and finish attaching her to the machine, they wrap her legs in blankets. Mami speaks very little English and I speak zero Filipino. We communicate with smiles, hand-to-hand touch and the feel of what we say to each other. It works.

Three times a week Mami and my sister receive their treatments, sitting for four hours while a machine cleanses their system of toxins. My sister watches DVDs or plays games on the tv that is provided. Mami watches tv for about ten minutes before she dozes off, sleeping like a child until time to go home. If the people around her talk too loudly or too much, she will wake and tell the techs that "They are too noisy. Too noisy for me to rest." And everyone will quiet down a little so that Mami can sleep.

Mami's son and daughter-in-law transport her to and from the treatments. She and I typically get to spend five or ten minutes together while she is waiting for her ride and I am waiting to take my sister home. We talk to each other in words and pantomine ("I was in the hospital this weekend. Chest pains." "Are you feeling okay right now?" "Yes, yes, I think so.") We manage to exchange bits of news ("How is your sister?" "She's doing well." "My husband will be coming here." "To dialysis?" "To Alaska. Here." "Where is he now?" "In the Philippines still, but he is coming here.") I learned that her husband is deceased. It doesn't matter, she still loves him so I always ask about him and she always tells me that he will be coming here soon.

When Mami's children arrive to take her home, she will touch her lips to my cheek and tell me she loves me. (When I first cut off most of my hair and felt de-Trudied, Mami told me "You are beautiful.") I tell her I love her. We will  expect to see one another "day after tomorrow." Always day after tomorrow, every other day of the week, as long as dialysis works for Mami and my sister.

So that's what I can tell you about Mami.

Peace
--Free

I Didn't Break the Internet, But...

... I did something to my Google Plus! LOL

I was over checking out the latest of "What's Hot" on G+ and... not sure what happened. I was trying to comment on a post I had just read and, um, it disappeared.

I'm not kidding. I am a little bit scared right now. I hope no one over there notices.

Anyway, here is another site showing the article, which is very, very cool. I get sick of young folks throwing the whole "green" thing in my face. This is the perfect response. Enjoy.

Peace
--Free

(P.S.: I'm going back over to G+ to see what the heck I did!!!)

It's Here: 2012

Wow. When I was about 15 or 16, I could not  have conceived of life in 2012. 2000 and 12... Whoa.

So, I made it. Sort of surreal to think of being alive in this year when I was born in 1963. Born into a world of no computers, no cable tv, no cell phones... And living in a world where all of that is almost passe! Wild.

I made resolutions, not many, but a few. I will keep them to myself, but can let you know that I decided it is an easier and less painful life if you only care much for the right people and things.

I wanted to take a picture that symbolized the new year, but can't find even one that begins to cover it. I will have to ask my niece Gabby to draw something for me.

Anyway - here's wishing you all a happy, blessed, healthy, peaceful and joyful 2012. May God keep you under His love.


Here is the best I can do for a pic for now. (Isn't this kid just adorable?) This is going to be a funky-happy new year! lol

Peace
--Free

Tactics for Difficult People?

First, there was the great and much needed  resource of Isaiah 43:1-3 which helped me and several other people I have since talked with. Then there was the information on the Living Wills/Advanced Directives. Now, there is even more information on a subject I had been dealing with over the last few weeks: dealing with difficult people. Surprisingly, this is a little more humorous than you might think.

As you know, I had been having problems with someone who was working a real manipulation on me: breaking me down by ignoring me, diminishing my past achievements and efforts on their behalf while building up someone else in front of me. It almost worked, but I broke through the situation's effect on me with prayer.  Thankfully, it did not damage my very important relationship with the other person they were using.Now that both of us are aware of the situation and dealing with it together. (Might want to go do some warfare with those verses from Isaiah if you are having the same problem! lol)

Anyway, lo and behold, the same person who had been working their subtle little evil on me, recently had the mean-ness turned on them by someone else. Now, I don't think it's right to break people down - no matter who the person is or what they have done. It's just not holy, it's not of any kind of good, and it's pointless mind games. This is one of those hurtful situations you wouldn't wish on even an enemy.

 Here's the deal: Sometimes you can kid someone about something and it won't bother them, where at other times it will bother them. A lot. Just because of their circumstances. For instance, if I tease someone about putting on a few pounds and it was because of the holidays, that's not so bad. Especially if the person is doing well emotionally or okay in the other areas of their life. But if I tease that same person in the same way after, say, they have had a medical problem... Eh, that's not so good. In the first example, you are dealing with someone who is most likely not going to be thinking about your comment five minutes after you say it, It's gonna roll right off of them as they focus on all the other positive stuff they have going on. On the other hand, the person in the second example is likely to take the comment deeper to heart. They might be thinking about the comment and how awful it makes them feel for the next week. How freaking depressing, right? (I have been there and had to pray my way out of the very dark places I was taken.)

Anyway, I say ALL that to set up this: I have a certain family member who obviously has either a loose moral screw, attention deficit disorder (as in he doesn't get enough attention and needs more), or is just plain ignorant. Whatever the case, he has a talent for saying exactly the wrong thing at exactly the worst possible time. This is not just a talent; he has a skill for this. If they handed out Masters degrees for being a jerk, he would have a wall full of them. No kidding. He is a prime-A, foot-in-mouth jerk-a-verbal-looza.

*shaking out the stress & taking a calming breath*

ANYway, what happened was, the Jerk's victim was sharing some really wonderful family news with relatives out of state via Skype. Everyone was suitably happy, congratulatory and family-like. We were all having one of those warm, Walton family moments.

Then the Jerk made his appearance.

After congratulations to the victim, his next comment was a put-down regarding her weight.

Seriously.

He was so quick-draw with it (like he always is) that no one, not even his wife had time to try to sweeten it up. As usual, she suffered her own embarrassment in silence. She might as well, because he would surely turn on her. And there is nothing like a jerk who is smart and verbally quick on his feet.

Anyway, also as usual when the Jerk lets his Dr. Jerk side out, everyone just does the phony "haha" laugh and hopes for the moment to pass quickly. It usually does, but like I said, it lingers for the victim.

Now, I have never been sure why the Jerk is this way, I think his emotional cogs don't mesh right and I have serious questions about his Christianity at times. I think he is aware of his problem and I think he struggles with it (at times), but, like other weaknesses, it is his ongoing battle,

Whatever.

The victim in this case, now gets a taste of their own medicine (though I hate that it came about like it did and when it did. I understand the lingering emotional fallout it can cause). What I want to point out is that there are resources, of sorts, for dealing with these kinds of situations.

There's this site on dealing with difficult people.

Here's another site offering examples and responses.

Personally, I use the ignore and mirror tactic because it's the most honest. You basically ignore most of the person's actions that are too silly for your energy. When they are bothersome, you mirror them - treat them the way they treat you. If you know anything about people, it's that bullies are really cowards and they can rarely take what they can dish out. My tactic is not the most Christian way to handle things, but I am human, after all. I have a LOT of things I can pull from this person's past to bring up. There are incidents with the law that she tries to forget about, incidents where she wasn't on her most moral behavior... Like they say, bullies better guard their secrets very well... And, then, there is the granddaddy of them all: "One day when your kids grow up..." What goes around comes around sooner or later.

At any rate, I hope that you find a successful way to deal with the difficult people in your life. If you remember that they do hurtful things to make them feel better about their own weaknesses, you can work it out. And understand that the negative causes of the whole situation is about them, not you. They are the ones trying to ease some kind of pain with passive-aggressive actions. As my sister pointed out to me when we had a good laugh over our situation, "You have to kind of feel sorry for her and just try to be nice about it." So I do. Most of the time! LOL

Last of all, some humor. If you just need a witty retort sometimes, try these:

• The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
  ~ George Bernard Shaw
• I don't take it personally. Everytime you open your mouth you offend someone.
• Well, you probably said it without thinking, the way you do most things.
• It's not what you say, it's the thought behind it that counts and I know there's never much thought behind anything you say.
• Ignoring enemies is the best way to fight.

Mostly, though, when you really just get tired to the hilt of someone's b.s., call them on it. Save that for when you are really, really done with it. Just tell them right to their face what you think they are trying to prove by saying the things they say. Nothing stops b.s. like honest confrontation.

And, seriously - try your hardest to just pray for them. There has to be something wrong with a person who is insensitive. I talk hard about it myself, but as a Christian, I am supposed to continue taking the high road so that maybe they will want to see what the whole "love one another" thing is about.

Peace
--Free

Family Addition

We have, as of yesterday, a new addition to the family. Isn't he gorgeous...

Yes, yes he is! 

For you created my inmost being; 

   you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 

   your works are wonderful, 

   I know that full well. 

 My frame was not hidden from you 

   when I was made in the secret place, 

   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 

 Your eyes saw my unformed body; 

   all the days ordained for me were written in your book 

   before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:16

Peace

--Free

Powerful

Just saw this over on Google Plus in my stream. This is so powerful and says so much that I just had to share it here.

Peace
--Free

Good Grief, Good Gifts!

I am over here having a fit of the giggles. My nephew-in-law did a great job this year getting gifts for my niece. My sister says she is SO proud of him. Thought I won't say what he got her this year, I do remember the early years of their marriage when he would get the most hilarious gifts. He's come such a long, long way!

One Christmas, he got her this outrageously ugly coat. There isn't a word for the kind of hideousness that was this particular coat. And it had the nerve to come with matching gloves! ROFL. On top of it being what I think the British would call ghastly, it didn't fit quite right. My niece looked uncomfortable, embarrassed and sheepish all at the same time. The way she tried to think of something grateful to say was just priceless. It was my sister and me who just came out and told my nephew that the coat was not really the best gift. They replaced it with something. Too funny.

I don't remember if it was for Christmas or for her birthday that my nephew got the vacuum cleaner. It might even have been for Valentine's Day. He was just so new at getting a female the appropriate gifts.

Well, he has certainly gotten better after 9 years of marriage. My niece will be more than happy this year. This actually gives me something to look forward to on Christmas morning.

I wonder what some of the worst gifts people have gotten for each other? I don't think anything can beat that freaking coat...

Peace
--Free

Mama Wasn't Always Nice

I am over here just cracking up laughing because I heard someone use a saying my mother used to use. I don't know if you've ever heard this, and please pardon the language, but when someone got on my mother's nerves by pestering her, she'd tell them that they could worry the stink out of sh*t.

I have no idea how that is done, but I always died laughing when I heard Mama say it. Variations on the saying included: "The hot out of Hell," "Wet out of water" and others that I can't remember right now.

Another of her sayings is one most people might have heard: "I'll slap the taste out of your mouth!" (I had a smart-alecky cousin who would mutter, "How? You didn't put it there." But she would only mutter it! lol) Another warning was one I heard someone else use: "Knock you out til you wake up smart." I think it was a friend's parent or auntie who said that.

Of course, now I am over hear thinking of some of the things Mama would say that would have us laughing - whether we let her hear us laughing or not!

"Drunker than Cooter Brown" was one of the sayings. To this day, we have no idea who Cooter Brown was or even if he was a real person.

"Musty as a goat" was for someone with body odor.

"Looking like Sista Tuttah" was for when you were dressed slouchy or wearing your hair in a way Mama thought was unattractive. We have no idea who Sister Tuttah is.

"Sitting there with your jaws tight" was for when you called yourself mad or upset about something.

"Knock a knot on your behind" was the threat of a whipping. (And, no, it wasn't child abuse when Mama whipped us. We got it with her hand or a switch, and most kids back then got the same & we turned out just fine, thank you.)

"People in Hell want ice water" was for when you were not going to be getting something you asked for.

"Hello walls" was for rude people who walked into a room without speaking. So was, "I didn't sleep with you last night."

"Losing your manners" meant breaking wind. Maybe because you were showing a lack of manners by doing it around people.

When someone was rude enough to stare at you hard, the saying was "Trying to look the clothes off of me."

We kids had one we used for the adults because they could always seem to hear us no matter how quiet we tried to be: "Mama can hear a rat p*ss on cotton."

My mother had trouble with certain words also. She never said "Lion" but "Louns." Her and my father were a good match because he couldn't say the words "Neither" or "Either." He said "Neezer" and "Eezer." Don't ask. I have no idea why. This gene runs in the family because my sister doesn't say "Stickler" for a picky person. She has what I think is a better word: "Stick-u-lar." (Now doesn't that just make more sense for some reason? LOL)

Wow. I am so glad that this is a good day for my thinking and being able to communicate okay. I will have this post to look back on when I am having trouble with my thought processes. I hope you enjoyed it!

Peace
--Free

My Best Friend

I just wanted to give a shout out to my friend, Jone. This is for her!

I hope everyone has a best friend like I do. My best gal friend comes with a "break in case of emergency" feature! She is always there to laugh with me, cry with me, be silly with me and just be with me. She doesn't give up on me when I get moody & being a total pain in the rear. She is always happy for my successes and never jealous. She is always "real" and never phony. She tells me like it is - whether I like it or not, but only when she knows I can handle it. She lets me tell her like it is & appreciates it. She is funny and sweet and smart and kind. She wears whatever she wants, no matter what anyone else thinks. When we go out to eat, she gives the waiter silly names for us ("Her majesty, queen of Anchorage" or "Betherina"). She drives like a maniac, but will slow down when I start looking faint. She says things like "cool beans" and "groovy." She stands up for herself (and for me) but always treats people with compassion. She doesn't get mad easily and she is SO quick to forgive and pray for someone when they are being ridiculous. She reminds me to be the same way (even when I want to tell them they are ridiculous). She laughs at my jokes. She focuses on my good points and not the negative. She keeps my secrets and WILL judge me, but with love and guidance. When I got fat, she made me laugh about it, then gave me a bunch of clothes that fit. When I am worried about money, she offers what she has. When I am worried about tomorrow, she reminds me to be thankful for today. When I am wanting to be mean about something, she reminds me to play nice. When I get in a mood and don't want to be bothered, I can trust she will be there when I am feeling better. She prays with me and for me ALL THE TIME. Her life has not been easy, but she remains trusting and faithful in the Lord. (If she has ONE fault, it's that she is a complete no-nothing about all things internet! She does use email, though.)

When we first met, she told me it was a "God thing." She's got that right because God made her to order as a friend for me.


So, yeah, I hope everyone has a best friend like mine. 


If you have a friend like this, call them up just to say "Hi, I love ya!" When you can, buy them some candy or a book or do something that will make them smile. Make sure to cherish them because not everyone has a good friend like this.

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity (Prov17:17)

Peace
--Free

She Speaks!

I don't often plug things, but...

She Speaks is a great place for the ladies to check out product reviews, interact with other members and try products (often for free). If you have a blog, you can also join their blogger community.

I belong to the site and really like the interaction and being able to try new stuff (for free! lol).

(Notice my nifty new badge here on the page)

Maybe I will see you all over there...

Peace
--Free

Honoring Mom

Thinking about my mother and how I believe that we, as a family, children she raised, have let her down in so many ways.

Mom was the strength that held us together, made us want to love each other, mended rifts between us, kept us brothers and sisters, made us better parents, aunts and uncles. Now that she is gone, it's as though we have forgotten all that she taught us about being a family, love and respect and compassion.

\With all that she taught us, Mom should have been able to leave us knowing that we wouldn't forget or  put aside all those lessons, but we have. With her gone, there is nothing holding  us together, nothing keeping  us respectful of the elder ones and watchful over the younger ones. The older ones aren't passing along the basic manners and principles of respect, and the younger ones are not willing to remember or learn.

It makes me sad to think how disappointed Mom would be.

All I can do is keep honoring her by being the way she was and by dealing with things the way she would have. It's hard, but I'd rather keep honoring her than to forget, even though that would make things easier sometimes.

If your parents are still with you, listen to their lessons now. Start teaching the young people why those lessons are important and not to be discarded as they begin to think of themselves as "grown." Etch the wisdom of your parents in your heart now so that you will be saved a lot of grief later.

Remember that some things don't go out of fashion: manners, respect for elders, compassion for youth, family bonds and parental wisdom, If you forget this, one day you will  have children and learn what heartaches can be caused by the lack of these things.

Peace
--Free

Early Resolutions

Most folks wait until January to list their New Year resolutions, but, as you all can tell, I have been slowly working on mine for the last several months. I guess I can't call what I've come up with "resolutions" since those are usually things people intend or hope to do. I've come up with changes I've already made or am definitely making. (Matter of fact, I added one to the list after a wasted evening out: In other words, I won't be doing the family dinners out anymore.There was nothing in it for me to enjoy, so I would  have done better to go out with a friend. With a friend, I would  have had mutual conversation and something to look back on later as being pleasant. Tonight cost me money that could have been better spent and was a complete waste of time for me. If my mother were here, I think even she would tell me the same thing.)

So, other than that, here is the main list. *drum roll please* I resolve to:

• Know that God made me for and intends good things for me no matter what the present is like.
• Grow my faith more.
• Stop doing anything that doesn't make me feel right. No more "go along to get along" or "grin and bear it." 
• Start respecting myself no matter whether other people have the decency to do so or not.
• Spend more time and attention on those in my life who add joy and love. Less time and thought on those who don't. (I'm thinking of 3 dear friends who I've neglected a little)
• Find a way to express my creativity again. If this disease killed my writing ability, there is still something I can do. I need to find that and do it.
• Make plans to live more happily independent from family. I've been too close to them and need to concentrate on me and my happiness. That will let me enjoy the time I do spend with them more.
• Pray more every day. Spend real time on my spiritual life. Reading the Bible and going to church.
• Join a support group for this disease.
• Learn something new this year - an art or a technology.
• Return to keeping a paper and pen journal.
• Start a collection of stones. I might even make a hobby of collecting and polishing them. It's something I've wanted to do for years and never did.

And there are some that I know are typical: stop smoking, lose weight, etc. LOL.

I wonder what kinds of resolutions other people make. Not the ones they tell everyone about, but the ones that really mean something special to them. Hmmm.

Anyway, I am planning to be a stronger person in the coming year. I'm am already making inroads.

Here's to 2012 and the next however many years God grants me of life.

Peace
--Free

Finding My Happy Place

Okay, this is kind of funny, but it's also serious.

I always talk about my friend on here. Well, she is so much more than a friend. I should be paying her for therapy!

Lately, I had been going through some things, questioning my place in the world and thinking a lot about loyalty and recognition. Basically, I felt that I was not being recognized, or that I was purposely being "put" in a lower place in people's lives than I thought I deserved. I felt like the kid on the playground, trying to fit in with the cool kids and just wearing myself out.

Now, I'm sure my friend, who has all the patience and compassion in the world, got tired of me sitting on that pity pot. This morning, she put her foot down and just told me how it is.

She says that when people play games of manipulation and playing other people against one another, that's their problem and not mine. All they are doing is losing out, unless I keep playing along.

Wow. I didn't realize I had been playing along until I really thought about it.

So, now I have to learn to let it go, and that's not as hard as I thought it might be. I've started already. I have stopped trying to fit myself in where I am not invited. I use my energy on other things. My girlfriend said to think about what I am losing out on: Nothing. Not one thing. I now spend my energy on reciprocating attention on those who give it. As for the others,  I don't love them any less, but they will only get from me what they give. Matter of fact, I think I love them more this way.

How simple is this? And why didn't I see it?

I have to tell you, when my friend explained things this way, I felt like I was breathing new air. I felt sort of set free. When I think about the mental anguish and energy I've always put into these "games," I just can't believe it. Instead of trying to hang with the cool kids, I have to be my own kid. Other people can take it or leave it. Their loss, not mine.

The thing now is, trying to adjust to this new way of thinking. It's surprisingly pleasant, but it is different. I'm shedding years of my own neediness. I wasn't even aware of how pathetic I had to seem. I had given people power over me, whether they realized it or not... I feel like I have been given a gift of emotional peace.

I am reminded of something another friend told me years ago: "Where you are is where you are supposed to be."

My place in this world, in my family, in life, is not someone else's place. I am in my own place in life. Everyone is in their own place. The trick to being happy is learning to accept your spot and work from there.

One day I am going to ask my friend how she got to be so smart, but for now, I'm just happy that she is.

Peace
--Free

Wishes For Some

I was talking with my friend tonight after we'd both had a rough couple of days. I cried on her shoulder and she cried on mine. When she finished telling me about some of what she's been dealing with and how heartless her co-workers seem to be, I wanted to be angry. But, true to her good heart, she wanted to pray for them instead. She reminded me that while we are currently going through our trials, there are those who have their tough times yet to come. She said that we need to pray that they have the strength that God has given us.

She is right, I guess. I have heard of so many people just giving up, committing suicide or just losing themselves to insanity. God has been a rock and a refuge for us.

So, here is what my friend and I talked about wishing for some people:

We pray you never have heartache like we have had. That you don't have nights where you cry yourself to sleep, while trying to pray. We hope that you always have your health, your finances and your basic dignity. We pray that if you ever do need someone's help, that they do it without making you feel like a beggar. We pray that you don't ever have to wonder what on earth you will do tomorrow. We pray that your loved ones are healthy and your children are well. We pray that you don't ever cry tears that you just can't hold back. We pray that you never feel some of the things that people with trials and tribulation do. We pray that if you do have troubles, your faith remains intact. We pray that, no matter how bad things get, you have friends like we do and that you find something to smile about at least every day.

My mother used to say that if you live long enough you will have heartache. She said that sometimes when you think you've been through the worst, you will go through something more. Mom believed that people took their good times for granted. She taught us never to say "never" or "not me" or to talk about what you are going to do. She would tell us to say, "If the Lord is willing..." She'd tell us not to be arrogant about what you have or are able to do. I didn't really understand the lessons at the time, but I'm glad I paid attention. The way I treated people and talked back then has created blessings for me during these times of trouble. (Thank you, Mama.)

My friend and I pray together often. When we talked tonight and prayed, we decided that there are two types of people in the world: those who know they are not in control and those who think they are. We know that we are not in control - God is. No matter what I suffer, I am glad for that.

Peace
--Free

Photographic Evidence (Ch-ch-changes!)

As you all know, I was diagnosed with this disease from the sick mind of some evil genius gene or something. Anyway, I've talked here about the physical changes the medicines have caused - Predinisone = weight gain; the other meds = hair loss, etc... Well, once again, there's nothing like pictures.

This was me right back in August or so of 2010, trying on clothes for a job interview

I ended up not getting the skirt. I thought it was too form-fitting for an interview. The point I'm vain about is that I am at my average weight of around 145lbs...

Here are other photos where I am a normal (for me) weight & with all my hair...

June 2010 my birthday lunch

Also 2010 on back deck with nephew Dre (and I had put on about 15lbs here!)

 Dec 2009 Houston @ a friend's house, trying on the Christmas present from my big sister in Anchorage. (It's the same outfit I am wearing above)

 

And...THIS is late July 2011. I'd been on prednisone since the 4th. This was just the beginning!

My niece, who is very pregnant right now, isn't much bigger than I have become. Every time I go to the doctors' now, I've gained. I go once a month & I've gone from 160 to 173 to 185 to 192 this last visit... My doctor and I try to joke about it, but it does cause problems. My body was not built to carry this kind of weight. I am small-boned. We all change as we age, of course, but as an example of my normal body type: at 21 when I got married, my wedding dress was a size 0 - and it still had to be taken in. To this day, no one in the family - including the younger children - can get into that dress. Do you know what my back feels like right now, lugging around this prednisone belly??? LOL SMH

The wedding pic. Man, I wish I had been smarter back then. If so, I'd still be married today to a pretty decent guy...

Was I ever really this young?...

Sigh...

This was fun. Think I will have to do another one when I go through the family pictures.

Peace

--Free

Photographic Evidence (Weather)

Seeing beats hearing any day. Here's the weather I was complaining about a week or so ago:

The above is what the driveway looked like when I went out to shovel last week. HUGE amounts of snow.

This was the yard one morning after ANOTHER dumping of snow. (Mama would have LOVED this!)

This was a gorgeous morning treat. Too bad I only have my camera on the phone... :-(

And...drum roll, please.... THIS is looking out the upstairs window a few minutes ago...

My nephew took advantage of the first day of the warm weather and cleaned the drive down to the pavement. If only we'd known what we were in for, he could have just waited for it to melt down...

(Hey - I haven't done pics for a long time. I might have to do another quick post... right now! LOL)

Peace
--Free