Oh, Whoa, Woe

My mother taught me many things and one of them was to never boast about what you won't do. I didn't quite get it back when she was teaching me this, but I do now.

I'm against the wall here. Looks like I have to make some super-tough financial decisions and one that is bugging the piss out of me is bankruptcy.

How the hell did I get myself to this place?

Right now, I am mentally kicking the shit out of my can't-be-ex-soon-enough. Not that this is all his fault, but... I should learn to listen more to my head than to my freaking heart.

All morning, this has been pattering on my mind like rain hitting a tin roof. I did laundry thinking about this, vacuumed, paced the porch, talked to two of the BFFs and Kita Kat - all with this hovering on the edge of every thought. I am pretty sure that this is how people go crazy a little tiny bit at a time.

What I hate most about the idea of bankruptcy is that, to me, it seems a whole lot like stealing. I mean, I did get goods or services for a price that I now cannot finish paying. Bankruptcy vs Stealing. Difference? Not much except intent.

 Dilemma, dilemma, dilemma. By not filing, I am only sinking deeper and deeper into a pit that, short of winning a lottery or a lost-lost rich relative finding and taking pity on me, is only getting an inch deeper every moment. The bad thing is, even my wealthy relatives are scrimping these days. (Is there humor in that?) By filing, I am signing off on a lot of self-esteem and throwing the towel right the hell in wherever thrown towels go.

I have a headache now. Think I am going to mull this some more - see if any bright ideas pop into my head. Meantime, I'm going to make some calls for advice and do some G+ therapy looking at shit like this:

Okay. That helped a little. Not much, but Number 7 gave me ideas...

Peace
--Free

My Mama Was Right...

... About a LOT of things. That dawns on me more and more as each day of my life unfolds.


 For instance, Mom always said that people need to learn the difference between friends and acquaintances. It took me a while, but that one sunk in when I was in high school. I had a habit of claiming almost anyone I met as a friend. Whenever some random person ended up disappointing me, Mom would repeat herself about friends vs acquaintances. I'm glad because the friends I have happen to be very few but very true.

Another of Mom's lessons was to be kind to everyone because you don't know what anyone is going through. This is proved out by a really deep friendship I have now. The friend and I are so opposite on the surface that I wasn't sure about her at first. Now that we are friends, I've learned that, around the time we first met, she was going through one of the darkest times in her life and was almost to the point of giving up. I was feeling pretty worthless myself, thanks to the abusive relationship I was in. The funny thing is, what brought my friend and I together was sharing laughter and not misery. I didn't even realize she was unhappy until later on.

Even the broken relationship of my marriage is helped by Mom's advice. I will never be able to be with that man again, but I don't hate him.  He's not a bad person, he just has things to deal with that make him the way he is.

Mom also told me that doing wrong does not go unpaid. I'd get this talk from her when I was sure that someone had treated me wrong. Mom wouldn't agree or disagree, she'd just tell me that I was learning from my own experience how NOT to treat people. She'd say that no one gets away with hurting others - not in the long run. At the time, I thought she was talking about how bad people would be judged by God in the end of it all. What I learned later on in life is that evil, cruel or just "bad" people are re-paid in life - by the life they live. Think about it: people who are truly "bad" cannot be truly happy. Happiness does not breed anything bad.

One of the strangest things my mother said to me a long time ago (and I have to paraphrase and piece this together the best my bad memory will allow me!) happened after she went on a little day cruise during a vacation. At the time, I was making pretty good money, but Mom, my sister and I were also raising the four kids. During this vacation that Mom and I were on, I was stressing the whole money thing. Our vacation budget was so tight that I was scared to do anything not planned. Well, mom wanted to go on a day cruise. No, let me stop fronting and say this: Mom WENT on a day cruise because that's what she wanted to do. Later on, when I was being all passive-aggressive, letting her know how she had strained the wallet, she gave me a talking to. (Remember now, I am a grown-ass woman at the time!) She told me that it's important to be careful with money but not to the point of being miserly. No matter how broke you are, you have to enjoy life. The important thing, in her opinion: not to get attached to either poverty or wealth.

I am glad that I listened to my mother. Because of the things she taught me, I have lived well, made great friends, survived really horrible things, and been able to (mostly) smile through it all.

I miss my mother every day.

Peace
--Free

Mama Wasn't Always Nice

I am over here just cracking up laughing because I heard someone use a saying my mother used to use. I don't know if you've ever heard this, and please pardon the language, but when someone got on my mother's nerves by pestering her, she'd tell them that they could worry the stink out of sh*t.

I have no idea how that is done, but I always died laughing when I heard Mama say it. Variations on the saying included: "The hot out of Hell," "Wet out of water" and others that I can't remember right now.

Another of her sayings is one most people might have heard: "I'll slap the taste out of your mouth!" (I had a smart-alecky cousin who would mutter, "How? You didn't put it there." But she would only mutter it! lol) Another warning was one I heard someone else use: "Knock you out til you wake up smart." I think it was a friend's parent or auntie who said that.

Of course, now I am over hear thinking of some of the things Mama would say that would have us laughing - whether we let her hear us laughing or not!

"Drunker than Cooter Brown" was one of the sayings. To this day, we have no idea who Cooter Brown was or even if he was a real person.

"Musty as a goat" was for someone with body odor.

"Looking like Sista Tuttah" was for when you were dressed slouchy or wearing your hair in a way Mama thought was unattractive. We have no idea who Sister Tuttah is.

"Sitting there with your jaws tight" was for when you called yourself mad or upset about something.

"Knock a knot on your behind" was the threat of a whipping. (And, no, it wasn't child abuse when Mama whipped us. We got it with her hand or a switch, and most kids back then got the same & we turned out just fine, thank you.)

"People in Hell want ice water" was for when you were not going to be getting something you asked for.

"Hello walls" was for rude people who walked into a room without speaking. So was, "I didn't sleep with you last night."

"Losing your manners" meant breaking wind. Maybe because you were showing a lack of manners by doing it around people.

When someone was rude enough to stare at you hard, the saying was "Trying to look the clothes off of me."

We kids had one we used for the adults because they could always seem to hear us no matter how quiet we tried to be: "Mama can hear a rat p*ss on cotton."

My mother had trouble with certain words also. She never said "Lion" but "Louns." Her and my father were a good match because he couldn't say the words "Neither" or "Either." He said "Neezer" and "Eezer." Don't ask. I have no idea why. This gene runs in the family because my sister doesn't say "Stickler" for a picky person. She has what I think is a better word: "Stick-u-lar." (Now doesn't that just make more sense for some reason? LOL)

Wow. I am so glad that this is a good day for my thinking and being able to communicate okay. I will have this post to look back on when I am having trouble with my thought processes. I hope you enjoyed it!

Peace
--Free

Wishes For Some

I was talking with my friend tonight after we'd both had a rough couple of days. I cried on her shoulder and she cried on mine. When she finished telling me about some of what she's been dealing with and how heartless her co-workers seem to be, I wanted to be angry. But, true to her good heart, she wanted to pray for them instead. She reminded me that while we are currently going through our trials, there are those who have their tough times yet to come. She said that we need to pray that they have the strength that God has given us.

She is right, I guess. I have heard of so many people just giving up, committing suicide or just losing themselves to insanity. God has been a rock and a refuge for us.

So, here is what my friend and I talked about wishing for some people:

We pray you never have heartache like we have had. That you don't have nights where you cry yourself to sleep, while trying to pray. We hope that you always have your health, your finances and your basic dignity. We pray that if you ever do need someone's help, that they do it without making you feel like a beggar. We pray that you don't ever have to wonder what on earth you will do tomorrow. We pray that your loved ones are healthy and your children are well. We pray that you don't ever cry tears that you just can't hold back. We pray that you never feel some of the things that people with trials and tribulation do. We pray that if you do have troubles, your faith remains intact. We pray that, no matter how bad things get, you have friends like we do and that you find something to smile about at least every day.

My mother used to say that if you live long enough you will have heartache. She said that sometimes when you think you've been through the worst, you will go through something more. Mom believed that people took their good times for granted. She taught us never to say "never" or "not me" or to talk about what you are going to do. She would tell us to say, "If the Lord is willing..." She'd tell us not to be arrogant about what you have or are able to do. I didn't really understand the lessons at the time, but I'm glad I paid attention. The way I treated people and talked back then has created blessings for me during these times of trouble. (Thank you, Mama.)

My friend and I pray together often. When we talked tonight and prayed, we decided that there are two types of people in the world: those who know they are not in control and those who think they are. We know that we are not in control - God is. No matter what I suffer, I am glad for that.

Peace
--Free