Those Dang Housewives

I must hurry up and get out of town. If I don't get back to living my normal life (hold on a sec while I stop laughing hysterically), I'm going to be brain-drained from watching too much TV. I'm Dateline-d, Forensic File-d and Cupcake-Wars-ed out! TV is becoming a cancer on what's left of my intelligence.

Now, I know you guys are probably getting bored with my rants about television, but I have nothing much else to post about until I can get hold of some more products to review. In the meantime, let's talk about the "Real Housewives" again. Atlanta, O.C., New York - the location doesn't matter. All those gals are really just the same bunch. The only way you can tell them apart is by their kids, husbands and dialects.

And. sometimes, fake house and fake man

 you have got to follow

Tom Falco's "Tomversation"

If you watch any 3 of the shows (and I just mentioned the only ones I watch), you'll notice that there are only 6 or 7 basic types of characters cast:

• Ringleader Bi*ch The gal who is the queen of bi*ches and is proud of it. In her mind, she is not a b-word, she is just a strong, take-no-prisoners kind of woman. Only, in her dictionary, 'strong' means cruel, selfish and backstabbing. The best thing about her is that she usually makes the show work. I mean, even a crew of circus clowns needs a leader.
• Main Sidekick This is the best 'fr-enemy' of the Ringleader. The start out as besties but, as the show progresses and the Sidekick gets a little taste of attention, she starts staging a coup. Sometimes, this takes a while. The Sidekick will play the part of schoolyard flunky for the longest time until she accidentally shows some guts and pisses off the Ringleader. When this happens, Sidekick either gets booted off the show (after being set up by Ringleader), or she forms her own clique and we start hearing a lot about #TeamSidekick vs #TeamRingleader.
• Nice(r) Girl This is usually the first one to exit the show. She thought she could bring a little class and normalcy to the craziness. She's always wrong. For one thing, 'normal' doesn't get ratings. For another thing, 'normal' people are what the rest of the cast use the same way a boxer uses his mouth guard: spits it right out when it gets all bloody and used up. (By the way, if Nice Girl learns to be ruthless, she can extend her stay or even get a spin-off. Sometimes. Usually, Nice Girl tries but just can't stomach the game. Good for her!)
• Troubled Trouble She has real life issues for which she needs to get real life help. This lady has no business being involved in anything except for rehab or serious therapy. She might be one of the reasons a lagging "Housewives" show picks up more viewers but, in the reality that matters, she just needs help. Once her problems start spinning out of scripted control, everyone should feel ashamed for feeding the demise of her soul by televising (or watching) her instead of wishing for her well-being. Thankfully, this character generally gets booted. It's only fun to watch this kind of tragedy until it truly becomes tragic.
• Queen Freak The one who is down for anything, with anyone, at any time. She is coyly proud of how trashy she is. You can't take her to any of the nice trips, restaurants or shopping venues without her sucking the class factor down to zero. She will talk about all the sex she is or is not having, no matter who is present to overhear. This character will, after a season or two on the show, come out as having a traumatic childhood or other past damage. She will either grow into a better behaving cast member, or she will make the viewers become weary of her. If she gets booed off the show, she will join the other Housewives of the Past. Speaking of...
• Past Housewives These ladies (and whatever man is connected with them), usually go on to be more (or less) successful with their own spinoff show. Successful ones become even more irritating (because what is more irritating than a no-talent talent?). Less successful (or forgotten) ones do a lot of tweeting, Facebook-ing and Instagram-ing so that current 'Wives will badmouth them (thus keeping them peripherally relevant to an extent).
• New Girl Ah... This poor woman here. She comes on either fully loaded for bi*ch or believing that you can sell your soul for fame and still remain above the mess. If she's armed to the teeth and can fight her way through the rites of initiation, she can move into the spot of whoever has been recently kicked off. Personally, I love when the New Girl goes in for the Ringleader. The whole trying to stay clean while rolling in the mud with the meangirls... Well, that never works out, does it? The best New Girl can hope for is that she survives and gets her own "team" of fans.

Yeah. There's a formula to these shows. And we all love it (shame on us!). What I don't understand is how people who (I guess) believe in gender and racial respect will sell it off for some comped vacations and a shot at people knowing just how dysfunctional your personal life is.

I'm trying to be soooo ashamed right now

Last time I watched a "Housewife" show, the trending battle was over spilled secrets. Apparently one wife confided in another wife about marital problems. The confidante blabbed to a third wife. Third wife blabbed to, I don't know, other wives. ~sigh~ (Flashbacks of school days, anyone?) I was almost caught up in choosing sides with the betrayed wife until I realized - wait a minute! You told your marital "secret" on TV. How freaking confidential did you expect that to be? What's really sad is, the logistics of the situation didn't matter. The ensuing drama was great, um, entertainment.

Funny thing. "Housewives" shows don't really seem to promote the idea of a healthy marriage. I'm just saying.

So I (and other criticizing viewers) are just as bad as these TV 'ladies'. We're not bulls in the fight, but we are out here, cheering on the bloodshed. 

Sadly true...

Shame on us all! 

Peace

--Free

The Un-reality of Reality Shows

On G+, Food Network recently asked for fans to describe the segment they'd like to see on one of the FN shows. I submitted that they should have a "real" non-chef person trying to create chef recipes with a normal budget. That got me thinking about TV in general.

Let's be honest. There's very little reality in the reality shows on TV.

When the Real Housewives first came on, the women didn't represent the average housewife - unless "average" meant married to someone very wealthy (or temporarily kind-of-sort-of wealthy) and living under/caving in to a lot of peer-pressure.  The current housewives are a little more established in their own rights as businesswomen, but are still extremely shallow and self-absorbed.

A true reality show about housewives would show more of the juggling and struggling that women in the home have to cope with nanny-free. There'd be no personal assistants, mansions with indoor basketball courts or trips to places that are on the average woman's "Dream Vacation" or bucket list instead of as a notation on the next film schedule. We'd see more women not wearing full-makeup and Spanx at 7 in the morning. We'd also see more of the kids and husbands. Oh - and those kids and husbands wouldn't be so interchangeable that no one would notice if the families did an overnight swap.

Real people, real kids, real life. It happens.

While I am on my rant about the Housewives, let me  just say that I have seen some of those wives when the camera catches them in full-on sunlight and at the wrong angle. They have bulges, sags and wrinkles just like other women past thirty (and all those heffas are waaaay past thirty, no matter what their lying mouths say), and if they don't it's because they: never eat carbs, ever; don't smile with any abandon; don't go anywhere without a hair-and-makeup person on standby; or they are constantly in pain from sucking it in.

What reality TV would have you think

(Maybe this post will be just about the Housewives. I've gotten on a roll here.)

Have you ever noticed that the kitchens and dining rooms in the Housewives homes are always perfectly clean? I mean, spotless. Even if they are making a batch of Rice Krispy Treats with the (clean and name-brand-attired) kids? There are never crumbs on the floor, goo on the counters, or mysterious stains on the sink back wall. I mean, I know they all have maids and such, but I just don't trust the nutrition or love of a meal made without wrecking the orderliness of the kitchen. When I feed kids, I want to see some evidence that they enjoyed the meal. They don't have to leave the mess of untrained animals being fed at the table, but it would be nice to know that a five-year old doesn't have the social manners of an 80-year old dowager.

Now let's talk about the Housewives' attire.

I would like to think that any woman who has ever been married and had - or has even been within 5 feet of a child - owns a raggedy pair of jeans. Or an ugly, stretched out sweater, or a sweatsuit without "Juicy" or "Victoria's Secret" stitched on it. All the Housewives on TV have perfectly fitting clothes (well, usually) with matching accessories for any occasion. Their sandals never have those little loose threads that show wear and tear from more than one use. Their toenails are always perfectly painted and the heels of their feet are never ashy. Ever. It's as if their skin oozes lotion.

I don't trust a woman who doesn't have to occasionally check her feet or elbows for ash. I have to keep a bottle of lotion on my person at all times and I have had to apologize about the state of my feet before whipping out my dogs for the doctor to do an examination.

What do I know? I'm not a housewife. Even if I one day marry the man of my dreams, I hope to God I never turn into a Housewife. I don't have the willpower. I'm just a single woman with no kids and there are days when I have to do a wheat grass shot before I have the energy to put on makeup. So enough about those women. Let's talk about the food shows.

I have a couple of food show favorites. Guy Fieri is my hero. I love "Diner, Drive-ins and Dives". Lots of real folks cooking and eating real food. That's cool stuff. Except it makes me hungry. I once wanted to move across the coast because of an episode on the best hamburgers made from scratch. Plus Guy looks like a big, tall cute Teddy Bear with cool shades.

My least favorite food shows are the ones where supposedly "real people" do everyday meals.

An "everyday meal" for me doesn't involve fresh-caught lobster or farm-grown ingredients that come from a market in some famous New York district to be cooked up in my cozy kitchen with two ovens and a built-in prep station. I shop at Walmart. I want to see some shows about how to jazz up my tuna casserole without using ingredients that are trending on Twitter among highbrow foodies.

A bit much?

Rachel Ray is annoying, but she's kind of down-to-earth with her meals. Of course, if I wanted to use her branded kitchen items, I'd have to hock my mama's jewelry to make a down-payment on one pan. Bonus points: Walmart carries the Rachel Ray line. They also carry a Paula Dean set that rubs way above the budget of a regular Walmart shopper. I'd need to give up a PFD to accessorize a kitchen with Ray and Dean.

I enjoy watching Giada sometimes just to marvel at how perfectly even and white her teeth are. I do get a little depressed watching her chow down like a truck driver while wearing size-two clothing. Bonus points: she actually seems to enjoy eating.

One day someone is going to do a cooking show for the person who has an oven with a faulty temp gauge and that one burner that always leans a little to the right. Most of the ingredients will be variable. No arugula or Tibetan pepper? No problem. Just use the Mrs Dash that's been sitting in the back of the pantry so long that you have to pound the can against the sink to loosen the flakes. Tell us how to make a decent meal from the fatty ground beef that's always on sale - because not everyone can afford the low-fat, choice ground that they keep behind glass at the butcher's counter. Not all of us shop at a butcher's counter.

So, yeah, I'm kind of over the b.s. of most of these shows.

Reality shows are going to be a joke until they are about "real" people living real lives. Most of us don't have sex tapes for sale, clothing lines in the works, or famous exes. Most of us are just seriously real people trying to survive in a seriously real world.

My "real world" makes me want one of these!

Peace
--Free

Entertainment vs Real Life

Until more movies start reflecting people and situations as I know them, I'm going to rant. There are two versions of life, apparently: the movie version and the real thing. How do they compare?

Scary movie vs Real life

• Movie: When night comes, everyone goes to their separate rooms. Reality: I'm not going anywhere by myself. If you are going to your room for the night, I am going with you. Matter of fact, I'll get there with you before your skin does.
• Movie: People do things quickly. The first idiot goes off to get killed within the first couple of minutes. Lead Guy and Lead Girl fall in love so fast it's insane. And when Lead Guy is in love, he's pretty quick to get chivalrous. "Stay here," he'll command when something happens - like a strange noise or something. Lead Girl is so in love, she usually obeys. Reality: Not me. I'll never be that in love. Stay here, my ass. Baby, if you so much as move one inch, I'll be so up on you, I'll become your proctologist.
• Movie: It's not just Lead Guy who wants to play the hero. There's always that one ballsy (or crazy) person who runs  off to investigate "that noise." Reality: I'm so nosy that I once fell through my boss's door trying to listen in, but I don't care so much for things that go bump or "screee..." Nah. I'm good. Unless not going means I'll be left alone. In that case, once again - me and your doctor...
• Movie: It takes a lot to happen before everyone is on board that there is a ghost or demon or something. It's usually not until after a lot of inanimate objects move on their own that folks seem to know something bad's going down. Got to be all hardheaded. Reality: When it comes to scary stuff, I'm Lionel Richie. All easy like Sunday morning. You let one door slam even one time. I'm leaving footprints across someone's back getting the hell out of there.
• Movie: Folks will play with a Ouija board or draw pentagrams, or whatever it takes, to "call up" things they have no damn business calling up. The idea is that they can control things. Reality: Not me, boo boo. The way I see it, if it died and came back, or it never lived but is trying to come around here, I want not a damn thing to do with it. I have a six word rule of thumb: "Leave it alone. Let it be." You can set that to music and sing away your troubles.

You let me even imagine I'm seeing something that looks like it came from "beyond" or whatever...

GIFSoup

Romance/RomComs vs RealRoms

• Movie: Guy meets Girl, there's a little bit of conflict, then there's a miraculous resolution. Guy and Girl either live happily ever after or, at the least, end up as really good friends. Reality: Guy and Girl meet. If he's not really crazy, stupid or walking around with the emotional maturity of a fetus, she is. There's rarely a resolution, but often a compromise, in which case they end up miserably connected for life or going through every trouble in the world to avoid seeing each other. (Okay - I went a little overboard on that one, but it's been a rough few years.)
• Movie: The sex is always phenomenal - for both parties - and the morning-after cuteness is never marred with breath that could light forest fires.  Reality: We all know that sex is often good and sometimes phenomenal but, I swear, good sex must create bad breathe. I have never in my life been able to roll over in the morning and say "Hello" in anything but sign language to someone who doesn't love me a whole lot. For anything else to happen, I'd first have go on a water-only fast and refuse to burp.
• Movie: The women always look great - no matter what the situation. The starring actress in, say, a romantic comedy, can survive a horrific physical mishap, a family tragedy, the loss of her job and every decent thing in her closet and she will still look: miserable-and-sexy, smudged-up-and-sexy, forlorn-and-sexy, sexy-and-sexy - or, at the very least, really cute and adorable in a goofy or quirky or "It Factor" kind of way.  Reality: The average and decent-looking woman living in this real world of ours can pull off sexy. I think we all have a sexy-ness inside. Some of us just require the right lighting, some really good foundation and the talents of the makeup girl at Nordstrom to pull it off right. I mean, I can be hella sexy, don't get it twisted. I just can't pull of my sexiest without a good night's sleep and at least one cup of morning coffee. Then I will sexy my ass off - and yours too.
• Movie: Men are always hot in some kind of way. If they aren't built like an Adonis, they are hot because they are so smart or have a drawl or an accent or they have perfected the kind of bad-boy sizzle that can make a gal's toes curl just by giving her a glance. There are men on some magazine's "Hottest" list who some of us would run screaming away from if their names hadn't been top-billed at a theater.  Reality: The guy trying to hit on you in the check-out line at Safeway can have all the drawl or accent they want or bad-boy sizzle there is. If we see them loading their bags onto a bicycle, they won't be feeling anything from us but an arctic chill. We woman can be such bitches in real life - not all cuddly and cute like a Meg Ryan at all. (Because she'd ride that bike with him and find out he has a Porsche parked at his summer home.)
• Movie: The mean mother or nosy sister or awkward friend always adds a little "flavor" to a couple's relationship. Not like in  Reality: where the lovers damn near end up on a TV court show because of the fist fight that broke out at the engagement party or something. I actually have a friend whose parents didn't know she was living with her boyfriend (for FIVE years) before the couple married. The woman's parents (especially her mother) were that awful. 

Cable TV Shows vs Real Life

• Series: Ugly Betty, Nip/Tuck, Desperate Housewives, Weeds Reality: First of all, how many "regular" folk have that much money, that much sex, raise kids that badly and live life with such carelessness? I mean, the world is pretty messed up, but not (yet) that freaking apocalyptic... 

And, don't bring up the so-called "Reality" TV shows. Most of the Real Housewives aren't (or never stay) married. I'd rant more, but the only reality shows I watch are about women in Atlanta and Orange County who are supposed to be classy, fabulous and rich. Most of them dress like poorly paid hookers, trade friendships like Pokemon cards and rent their homes. Yeah, fabulous. But at least they are entertaining. So far.

Peace

--Free