Unanswered Prayers

Lately, I've been wandering over quite a bit to sit on my pity pot. I resist that impulse because that's not where I want to spend my time. If my mother were still here, she'd remind me that I need Jesus! It's been a few years since I've attended church on a regular basis, however I still give thanks to God every day.

Since today is Sunday, I've been trying to focus on the good things in my life, of which there are many. Here's the thing: sometimes, all the good stuff gets hidden behind the big old pile of bad things. When I do take the time to look, I realize that I have a lot of blessings and most of them have come from unanswered prayers.

There have been times when I've wondered why I've been disappointed by people, relationships, or even my own failures. A lot of the time when something "bad" happens, I will feel like God isn't paying attention to my prayers. That's why I like to think about this story someone emailed to me years ago. It's called "Two Traveling Angels":

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room. Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement. As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it.  

When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem."  

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. 

When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.
The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel, "How could you have let this happen? The first man had everything, yet you helped him. The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die."  

"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it." 

"Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem." 

It's easy to wonder why we don't get a specific job we wanted or a relationship with a certain person. When we have these disappointments, we ask why without having the capacity to even understand the answer. (Think of the people who were late for work at the Twin Towers on 9/11.)

Right now, one of my worries is about my sister. She has been diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer. She is very strong in her faith and her diagnosis seems only to be making her stronger. I, on the other hand, have been selfishly struggling with the news. After I had a little meltdown the other day, I was prompted to remember something a friend once told me: We are all dying, but what counts is how we live in the meantime. (This same friend, also a cancer patient, is the one who told me that everyone wants to meet Jesus, but nobody wants to die.)

For anyone else who may be sick, sad, worried, or disappointed by things happening in their life, I want to share one of my favorite passages from the Bible:

The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit. Psalm 34:18

 Peace
--Free

Stress Can Make You Crazy

My mother used to warn me about getting "stressed out". Stress, she'd say, will either kill you or make you crazy. I don't know if my stress will kill me, but it sure is making me crazy.

When I get stressed, I do goofy things.

A few days ago, I was on my way to have coffee with a close friend I hadn't seen for a while. We have a favorite meeting spot called The House of Bread. (If you live near one, go there. It's great - unless you're on a diet. You can gain weight just from inhaling the delicious smells.) It's a straight shot from where I live to The House of Bread. I can get there in three minutes, if I hit the one stoplight just right. Or if I actually get to the stoplight. I didn't make it that day because my brain went on autopilot and I ended up sitting in the parking lot at Walmart, trying to figure out what I needed from the store. I was actually sitting in my car, trying to remember whether or not I'd made a list and forgotten it at the apartment.

That was funny, but scary. I sat there at Walmart for about five minutes before my friend called to check on me. When I told her what happened, she drove to Walmart and we ended up getting coffee at the McDonald's inside. Happy ending to that weirdness:  I was able to pick up some groceries while we were there. Downer to that weirdness: my friend has been calling me every few hours to make sure I'm not sitting somewhere in a parking lot when I'm supposed to be somewhere else.

It's just stress, right?

My friend advised me that the best way to deal with stress is to acknowledge it. Until she reminded me, I had not thought of the reasons I'm struggling to cope right now:

The months of April, May, June and July don't hold a lot of great memories for me. My mother passed in April (2001); my father was born in the month of May and died in July (of 1991); June is the month when I walked away from the best man I have ever loved; my oldest brother died in July of last year; July of 2011 is when I was hit was sarcoidosis. This April, my sister was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer.

So, I am trying to acknowledge my stressors, but even doing that is adding stress. The goofy, crazy weirdness continues.

While I'm normally an easily distracted person, this emotional chaos is not helping. Writing is usually an escape for me, but I can't concentrate long enough to get any writing done. After last night, I'm considering taking a break from doing anything that requires my full attention.

When I write, I don't like to wander far from my laptop in my bedroom because I'll get sidetracked. Normally, "getting sidetracked" means I will end up chatting on the phone with someone or taking a walk to clear my head. Little things like that only take me off course for about half and hour. Last night, in the middle of a writing session, I took a quick bathroom break. I ended up rearranging the towels and soaps, then I realized I needed to clean out the makeup drawer. I don't like throwing things away so I put the makeup in a bag to giveaway to friends. And why stop at makeup? I have plenty of clothes and accessories I don't wear or use anymore....

When I finished, I had a gallon-sized freezer bags of cosmetics and medium-sized packing box of clothing to tote to my car. Apparently, that was thirsty work because, before I knew it, I was in the kitchen and blending up a some lemon, ginger and mango smoothies.

Life doesn't play fair and, every now and then, I need a reminder that I am no match for what it's going to throw at me. Okay, I am reminded, but I am also reassured:

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. (John 14:27)

--Free

Psalm 23

Mood Music and Poetry

No matter what I'm feeling, I can usually find something something breathed out by another creative soul to catch my mood. Sometimes, that's a comforting thought - like when I realize that almost everything I feel (from physical desire to blind utter despair) is covered in the poetry of the Bible. Sometimes, it's absolutely chilling to know that my deepest fears and worst thoughts are represented by some artistic person in this world.

As a wanna-be novelist myself, anyone else's creative expression makes me feel that I am in unique company. I can't sing, but I hear songs and think, "Yes! That's just what it feels like." ("It" might be pain or worry or joy or madness.)

Though I love music, I often unintentionally re-write song lyrics as I sing them loudly (and badly, badly, badly) while dancing around my apartment. I try not to sing as loudly while I'm driving, or anywhere around the very young or very elderly for fear of causing internal organ trauma.

Before I get too far off subject, here are some songs and poems that fit certain moods. I hope you like them:

If you are sad

• x..... A Little Sadness (Auphy Zophy) love this!
• "Mmm" (Laura Izibor) not really a sad song, but comforting.
• "Sad Violin" (Thao Nguyen Xanh) beautiful, not depressing.
• "The Wolves" (Bon Iver) 
• "Sitting On the Dock of the Bay" (Otis Redding)
• "In the Upper Room" (Mahalia Jackson) comforting & hopeful
• Words from Psalm 56:8 always move me: Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?

If you are in love, out of love or just confused

• Almost anything by D'Angelo, Melody Gardot, Ella Fitzgerald
• The Staple Singers and Marvin, of course. Just stay out of trouble.
• "To Be in Love" (Gwendolyn Brooks) my very favorite
• The Bible's Song of Solomon has a verse so beautiful, it might make you weep.
• This poem by Langston Hughes is reported as his first. It's another favorite poem.

Just because I loves you-

That's de reason why

My soul is full of color

Like de wings of a butterfly

Just because I loves you

That's de reason why

My heart's a fluttering aspen leaf

When you pass by (Hughes 28)

If you need to dance or do anything else to work off stress

• Beth Hart just kills it. She's so badass & I love her work. Get her if you need to move, pretend you can move or if you feel love.
• Go oldies with The Temps, Lionel, or LTD
• Go new with whoever you want to. I almost gave myself whiplash trying, so I'll stop here.

Getting back to mishearing lyrics, here's a fun fact: There is a name for mishearing/misquoting lyrics - "Mondegreen". Interesting...

More Interesting: The origin of the word.

Most Interesting: The one mondegreen I'm not guilty of is the funniest one ever. ("Desperado, you've been outright offensive, for so long now" (Real lyric: "You've been out riding fences," The Eagles.)

"In Da Club" (by 50 'Fitty' Cent) is one of my favorite songs to have a dancing fit to. My family will never, ever let me forget that I always heard the words as "We gonna slip a tardy" instead of, "We're gonna sip Bacardi." Think that's bad? This next line puts me in a league of my own: I hear "toes down, be's up" instead of "hoes down, G's up." (I just thought he was doing the country grammar thing!) That's what happens when someone my age listens to music way out of generation. (I still like my 'version' best.)

Peace
--Free