Every Time I Need an Answer

Out of all my storms, I am beginning to see glimpses of sun.

In the past several days, I think I've lost a few pounds just from the stress. I haven't been able to eat or sleep or settle my thoughts. I did manage to pray.

Today, our family got a couple pieces of cautious good news. We're not flying banners yet, but we are feeling more hopeful. As for my personal situation, I got a big dose of hope too.

All the songs tell us that all we need is love. Love is nice and I try to never turn down the right kind, but it's hope that keeps me going from day to day.

I can't go into detail yet, but I am thinking of making some huge changes in my life. Huge. Major. Good and hopeful changes. Lord knows, I've made big changes before, but they were never just for me. I've made job changes, location changes and relationship changes - always for the benefit of others. This time, I'm only having to think of myself. It's scary as hell!

We'll see what the coming days bring. For now, I am just enjoying the weightlessness of peace.

If you've read even a fourth of my blog posts, you know that one of my favorite writers is Zora Neale Hurston. After I finished thanking God for this peace I am feeling, one of my best-loved Hurston quotes came to mind:

“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” ( from "Their Eyes Were Watching God")

Perfectly true. Every time my life asks questions, God provides an answer. This time He gave an answer I was happy to hear.

More later, when I have things firmed up.

Peace
--Free

In The Deep

Describes just the way I'm feeling today.
Thanks, Bird York for a beautiful, beautiful song.




Thought you had
All the answers
To rest your heart upon.
But something happens,
Don't see it coming, now
You can't stop yourself.
Now you're out there swimming...
In the deep.
In the deep.

Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles
Till you... Let go.
Till you she'd your pride, and you climb to heaven,
And you throw yourself off.
Now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep.

And now you're out there spinning...
And now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep.

And the silence,
All your secrets will
Raise their weary heads.
Well, you can pin yourself back together,
Well, who here thought you would?
Now you're out there livin'...
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep.

In the deep...

Now you're out there spinning...
Now you're out there swimming...
Now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep...

Sometimes, it's good to be in the deep; that's when you learn how to swim.

Two Traveling Angels Story

Two posts today - because I am singing because I'm happy! I finally found the angel story that I had referenced in this post. It's a nice lesson.

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room. Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement. As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it.

When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem."

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest.

When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.

The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel, "How could you have let this happen? The first man had everything, yet you helped him. The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die."

"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it."

"Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem."

Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you need to trust that the outcome has a purpose. You just might not know it until some time later...

Peace
--Free

We Are More Than Conquerors

 "I sing because I'm free!"

I've been on such a hard long road & I have such a long hard road ahead of me.

I am asking God to be with me as I start out on a long road of "starting again." I have worries and fears and plenty of anxiety about what life will bring, but I don't doubt God.

A while back, when I was angry about things that have happened in my life, I thought that there was no good in any of it. My mother used to say that God has a reason for everything that happens. I am just now realizing that. I'm not saying that I'm glad for the things I have been through, I'm just more aware that they have changed me for the better.

A few years ago, I was complacent and apathetic about a lot of things. I went to work, spent money, paid bills, ate more food than I needed, bought things I could have done without, and went to sleep not worrying about whether I would wake up.  I took so much for granted. I have since learned how precarious everything is: food, shelter, comfort, laying down to sleep with no known worries. I guess I'm back on the "This Too Shall Pass" thought!

When I get scared about tomorrow or even the next hour, I try to think about people who have been through the valleys and made it to the peaks to praise God from there: Maya Angelou and Tyler Perry come immediately to mind. Now I understand why Mr. Perry is so very thankful.

If you are out there, comfortable and feeling safe in your life, know this from someone who has been there: you should be ever so thankful for every single moment of peaceful rest and daily contentment that you have. Thank God every day for your blessings because it will make you stronger for anything that might come to test you.

I have been (am being) tested every moment right now, but the best way I can give glory to God is to not give up. He knows me, He knows my troubles, and I believe He is with me. I know that He won't let me get so low that I cannot get back up.

But [even] the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not be struck with fear or seized with alarm; you are of greater worth than many [flocks] of sparrows. (Luke 12:7)

My current test is to remember that His promise is for daily bread - not a week's supply or more, not a pantry full, but just daily bread.

So, the following is my favorite promise from the Bible:

Who shall ever separate us from Christ's love? Shall suffering and affliction and tribulation? Or calamity and distress? Or persecution or hunger or destitution or peril or sword? Even as it is written, For Thy sake we are put to death all the day long; we are regarded and counted as sheep for the slaughter.    Yet amid all these things we are more than conquerors and gain a surpassing victory through Him Who loved us.    For I am persuaded beyond doubt (am sure) that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers,   Nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:35-39)

Keep this blogger in your prayer.

Peace
--Free

Words By Maya, Lesson By Life

I do so love Maya Angelou - she and Countee Cullen are two of my favorite poets. I ran across a piece Maya's poem, "Alone" the other night:

Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty

Wow - "Where water is not thirsty." That made me think of Heaven and the promise of faith. (It's even better when recited by a skilled reader.)

And, in the mood I've been in lately, there is this one by Pablo Neruda, "Clenched Soul."

We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.

Indeed.

But I will go back to the main source of real comfort. 2 Peter 3:10-11, ¹⁰But the day of the Lord will come like a thief, and then the heavens will vanish (pass away) with a thunderous crash, and the [^[a]material] elements [of the universe] will be dissolved with fire, and the earth and the works that are upon it will be burned up.

I've heard it said that this was the inspiration for the following poem.

This, Too, Shall Pass Away
Author: Lanta Wilson Smith

When some great sorrow, like a mighty river, Flows through your life with peace-destroying power And dearest things are swept from sight forever, Say to your heart each trying hour: "This, too, shall pass away."

When ceaseless toil has hushed your song of gladness, And you have grown almost too tired to pray, Let this truth banish from your heat its sadness, And ease the burdens of each tring day: "This, too, shall pass away."

When fortune smiles, and, full of mirth and pleasure, The days are flitting by without a care, Lest you should rest with only earthly treasure, Let these few words their fullest import bear: "This, too, shall pass away."

When earnest labor brings you fame and glory, And all earth's noblest ones upon you smile, Remember that life's longest, grandest story Fills but a moment in earth's little while: "This, too, shall pass away."

Beautiful. This, too, truly shall pass. Thank You, Father.

Peace
--Free

Happy Birthday, Mom!

I can't believe it's been 8 years since you went Home. I still miss you so much everyday.

You've got new great-grandchildren - and another one on the way! Amanda got married and had the cutest kid ever (she's bad as year-old milk, but you would adore her) and has another one due in about 7 months.

Ant's little boy is a stone mess. Just like seeing Ant as a kid all over again. And his big sis is so shy and quiet that I just know you'd be telling her to "quit acting like somebody's going to bite!"

Tierra is about to graduate high school and will be going on to college (kid's got almost a 4.0 gpa!) - and, just think of the time we didn't think she would make it because of her shaky start at birth...

JP and Gab are doing well. They have careers and plans that you would be so proud of. Like all the kids here, they talk about their "Grammy" all the time. They remember the love and the "whippings" and the wisdom.

Gwennie is still so much YOUR Gwennie. Sassy, spunky thing. Because of you, Mom, your grandkids got such a good start in common sense that it will last them a lifetime.

Even the "babies" remember you. The infants you held on your lap... they all talk about their Grammy.

My friend was going through some problems the other day & as I talked to her, I could hear your words coming out of my mouth. She remembers and misses you too. We all do, Mom.

There have been days when I didn't think I was going to make it through & I had to hold on to all the things you taught me about going through trials and tribulations. I had to remember that you didn't have it easy, but that you always made the best out of any situation. I had to remember that you always found a reason to praise God and keep on keeping on.

So, we're all hanging in there. Maybe not all living the way you'd like, but we are still here. Somehow, no matter how often or how badly we mess up, things that you taught us bring us back. I am always so thankful to be a person who can say, "My Mama raised me right!" :-)

We just all miss you & love you so much. Happy birthday, Mom.

Peace
--Free

Blessings

The other day I was grousing about negative people in my life. Waste of time, waste of energy.

I want to talk about the people who have been a blessing in my life:

There is a really good girlfriend/sister (you know what I mean - more of a sister than just a friend) who has been there for me when I felt like my whole world was crashing down. When I was too embarrassed to go to family or didn't want to burden them during a bad period in their lives, this woman stepped up in the biggest way. She listened to me cry without faking her concern. She listened to me recount what a fool I had been without judging me. She told me what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it. She has sat up through the night with me when I thought I was going to lose my mind. If that doesn't tell you something, then this will (and only people who know cold weather will really get this!): The other day/night, I was having a bad time of it. I called up just to chat with my friend "S" because usually that makes me feel better. This time, tho, when she answered the phone, I fell apart. I mean, I couldn't form a coherent sentence. Now. On this particular evening, it was about -16 (that's some true cold weather - even for here), the roads were icy, party people were hitting the streets and clowning so that sane folks wouldn't want to be on the same roads with them. "S" heard my voice on the phone and said only 2 things: "Where are you?" and "I'm coming over right now." She came. She came and bundled me up and took me to her house (which is more isolated and quiet & we all know people about to lose it need a little quiet!). She didn't ask questions and we didn't even really talk about my problems right then. She watched television and fixed coffee and pulled out blankets for me. We just sat together. And I survived another bad episode of the my-life-is-falling-apart blues.

There is my niece and her husband. These guys know what they have been for me. They have offered open hearts, home and souls to me. They have literally rescued me from a really bad situation. Without a question, without a sideways look, without boundaries. All I can say is that I love them and I hope they know that. (To all the parents out there who complain about their kids: all we ever had to give ours was love and a good ass-whipping when they needed it. Apparently that was enough to raise them to be selfless and compassionate. Buying your kids cellphones and BMWs won't buy their love.)

There is my sister - who is just quiet and calm and way saner than I will ever be under worse circumstances than I will probably ever survive. She is the love-glue around here.

Then there is a friend that I have never even met in person. "D" will know I'm talking about him. He has been funny and kind and sweet in such a warm and non-pushy way. There are not many men who know how to be  woman's friend. Thanks, D. If I am EVER single, I pray God some woman has not snapped your behind up!

So, instead of focusing on negative people, I am just thanking God tonight for the few and the wonderful. May He give them peace and return to them for me their kindness in overflowing.

Peace
--Free

Getting Through

I've made no secret of the fact that I'm "going through it," emotionally. One of the ways I've been dealing with a lot of my emotional pain is finding ways to distract myself when I get to feeling down. One of the distractions: watching old movies and listening to old radio shows online.

I'm about to post some links over on my other blog that might interest others who are into "distractions."

Also, I discovered this web site for online counseling/therapy. Now we can say that the Web has everything...

Peace
--Free

Chasing Pavements

I don't even have words for how this singer and this song connected with what's going on in my life right
now. I wish I could meet her just to tell her that "Chasing Pavements" is going to be my personal song to help me get through the process of moving on with my life.

Take a listen - and go out and buy this lady's CD. I haven't heard original soulful sounds like this in a long time.