Faith & Storms

Since I had my meltdown the other day, I am feeling better. I did a lot of praying after I finished that crazed, angry, and ranting post. My body started to feel better several hours after my infusion. I thought about deleting that post but decided to leave it up because of this one. Maybe it will help someone else to see the pair of them so they know that even severe "storms" pass over if we just give it time.

The first thought that came into my mind once I started feeling better was a self-rebuking "How dare you?" Seriously, who am I to feel sorry for myself? There are people in the world who would give everything to be at my lowest. I am a spoiled, first-world, insufferable jerk sometimes.

While at infusion, I see people who are dealing with diseases that make mine look like a bad cold. I'm not exaggerating. There was a 20-ish-looking guy in the ward who is fighting something that requires an infusion of meds so powerful that his chair is damn near sealed off from the rest of us - and there are chemo patients there. He was with a sweet-faced child-woman who looked younger than he did. She was wearing a wedding band and that just about broke my heart. Can you even imagine their struggle? Back in Anchorage, one of my doctors was treating children.  Those babies probably have never known a normal childhood but... here's me, drowning in tears for myself instead of praying for those people. Instead of being thankful.

Now that I am thinking more clearly, I don't know where I get the nerve to sit on my pity pot for even five minutes. Yes, I have to deal with a very inconvenient illness and I do wish I could turn back the clock to a time before all this, but I can't. This is called life. Life is not scripted to have something wonderful happen every 30 minutes. Life can be sad and disappointing and a struggle. And this is where my faith comes in.

For people who don't understand why I believe in a real and definite and specific God, I have to tell you that I don't understand your disbelief - or your ambivalence. And if you aren't in the mood to think about your position on the subject, just stop reading right now because I feel another rant coming on.

What does this mean?

I can understand how someone could want to not believe in God. I can understand how someone believes but has decided to rebel against God. What I cannot understand is how someone questions that there is God.

I've had people tell me that my faith is blind and ignorant and born out of fear and tradition. They are wrong. I would have to be willfully ignorant to believe that there is no God.

Some people like to say that they don't believe in what they can't experience with the 5 senses. I always want to remind them of the miracle that we are beings with those senses. Where did it come from that we exist as intricately made as we are?

And, by the way, I do experience God with my senses. If you can't understand how awesome I find the sight and sound of the natural world, then just stop and think about it for a moment. Just the fact that we have those senses - along with the ability to taste and touch and smell - that alone is pretty miraculous.

Dr. Hugh Ross - an astronomer and astrophysicist - explained in the simplest way what is so frightening to a lot of people (especially other scientists) to consider: "If there was a beginning, there is a Beginner."

Dr. Ross is obviously an intelligent man who has studied and theorized about things that I can't even pronounce. But all I need to do is open my eyes and look around to see "that the Heavens testify to the existence of a Creator". I can't even consider the beauty and complexity of life without considering God. There are resources for anyone wondering about the argument for God from different stances.

As advanced as man has become, he cannot create from nothing. He himself is a created being. All his greatness of mind comes from the DNA that he is. All that he discovers is from what already is. Man did not create himself or speak everything else into existence. God did.

When I think of where the first breath of man came from, I think of beginnings. When I think of time and dimensions - seen and unseen - I think of God. I cannot imagine the unfathomable intricacies of all that is woven together to create everything that is without considering God. How can you?

And, of course, there is suffering and grief and pain that we put up as arguments against there being a "just and good" God. What we don't think about is we're not just told: "There is God" period. We are actually given more information. An intelligent person will consider all the information. There's a guy named Lee Strobel who started out as an atheist but used his skills as an investigative journalist to consider the information. His goal was to disprove the existence of God. He came to believe. C.S. Lewis was reared as a Christian (that traditional thing), became an atheist, and came to believe - this time not blindly.

So, I don't need to have as much faith to believe in God as someone does to disbelieve. My faith is to help me understand and/or trust in God through my human condition. As I suffer depression and physical illness, I have to trust that God has not forsaken me.

Belief is easy; faith is hard but they go hand in hand.

Here is a quote (from an unlikely source for a Christian) that I thought about as I was writing this post:

“If you are depressed you are living in the past. 

If you are anxious you are living in the future. 

If you are at peace you are living in the present.” (Lao Tzu)

The Bible puts it this way:

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. (Matthew 6:34)

Faith is about living in the present because you know what the endgame is about.

Peace
--Free

The Opposite of Love?

For some reason, my sister has been on my mind more than usual these past few days. Ordinarily, I think of her most often on the anniversaries of her birth and passing. Sometimes, I get in a mood and will start looking at old photos, then memories of her flood my heart. But these past three or four days, she has been popping up in my mind. Her smile, her laugh, or the way she would suck her teeth right before she was going to say something funny.

While thinking of my sister, I always remember how loving she was. Along with my mother, she was the comfort of the family. Her children, her nieces and her nephews, her friends' kids - they all experienced the healing power of my sister's hugs. She gave the best hugs.

Something dawned on me while my sister was on my mind this week. It was about the meaning of family love and friendship love. I realized that there is no power in the word 'love' - people have tossed that word around so much that it's beginning to lose impact. The power of the word is in the person offering it up. Scripture tells us that "Death and life are in the power of the tongue". I knew that passage but I have only just now been thinking deeply about it.

When my sister gave you love, she did it with compassion and a pure heart. She patiently listened to your problems or waited out your anger or just soothed you through your fears. And she never seemed to want anything in return. She did get love reciprocated but that was never her goal. What I realized too late in her life was that sometimes we were all too busy depending on her to let her lean on us. I hope she did know how much we all loved her back. She taught us all so much about standing strong. She taught us all so much about everything. Because of her, I have finally realized something important about life and love. So she is still teaching me! It's as though I got to have a little Bible study with her again.

What I have come to fully understand is that love means nothing without truth and sacrifice. The opposite of love is pride. Love - true and real love - is giving, honest, open and willing. Love shines outward and pride radiates inward.

Peace
--Free

Back to Church

I can't remember (and don't have the patience to check) whether or not I have ever posted here about why I left the Pentecostal church. Basically, it was all about that church being a legalistic man-based religion instead of being Bible-based and God-led. The church I grew up in worried more about a person's outer appearance than they did the inner heart. And they really loved to pick and choose which parts of Jesus' teachings to follow.

Anyway.

One thing I did always love about the church services of my youth was the music. There is no Broadway production that can beat a Sunday service at the right church. When the preacher finishes performing, then comes the choir with its musicians.

I have always had a hard time explaining to people what the music was like in the church I grew up in. Then I found this video. It took me back 45 years and sat me down in a pew in Big Spring, Texas just like I never left.

This is why some church services lasted well into the night. Just when you thought you were going to be dismissed and get to go home, someone on the keyboard or drums would get inspired to hit one more note and then someone else would start to get "happy" and we'd be back into another round of singing and shouting. I got used to being in church and banging a tambourine until as late as ten o'clock on a school night.

Say what you want about all the stuff that's just wrong about the "Holiness" church, you can't badmouth the musical talent.

My ex and his cousins were the musicians in our church and their talent was just astounding. My ex is the best musician I know. He grew up in church and around all that great music. Too bad that growing up around all the preaching didn't rub off on his behavior as a human being.

I want to mention that not all people associated with the church were bad. There were a lot of good, well-meaning and true-hearted Christians who attended. Just like in the rest of the world though, it's easier to focus on and criticize the worst of the bunch.

Peace
--Free

All That We Are

So, I was in one of my moods the other night after taking my injection. Since the most I can do on those days in lay down and try not to be nauseous and achy (think of the mild flu), I tend to do a lot of thinking. For some reason on this day, I went way deeper than I usually do when I don't feel well.

What I started out thinking was that we as humans don't often realize just how much more we are than flesh and blood. (And I have no idea how that sentence sounds because I'm foggy today so bear with me.) We tend to our flesh - with food and drink and sex and drugs and all the emotions we can muster up - but do we pay enough attention to the rest of what we are?

By the way, when I was looking for an image to post here, this perfectly suitable one popped up on Pinterest:

I personally think of my body as being only maybe ten percent of who and what I am. The body is what you see, but my mind and soul and thoughts and inner mystery is the most significant part. The body is just a vessel - convenient but overrated. The body is really the part of us that causes our sorrows - or most of them. It's the keeper of our health and our sins and our weapon of negative actions.

A quote that I always loved - though I misunderstood and wrongly attributed to C.S. Lewis - goes something like this:

You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.

While I get that the theology of the statement is a little crooked, I still like the core of what it means to me. I realize that I am a body imbued with a soul and, thankfully also the Spirit indwelling. What the quotation means to my train of thought though is that we don't think as much as we should about our souls. Our neglect of the soul is the root of so many troubles.

I think that when people say that they can "sense" something good or bad about a person, what they are feeling is the character of that person's soul. Often, when I meet someone, I will feel something really positive or really negative vibing between us. They can be a completely decent person who I just get a bad feeling about or a seemingly horrible person who I feel safe with. I've been wrong at times of course, but a lot of the time, I'm proved right. Also, I can meet someone and just know that I want them in my life. That's how I met my best friend.

The world - or rather, society and its norms - have trained us to be more aware of and to react more to people based on having (or lacking) so-called good looks, success, charisma, or the 'It' factor. I believe this is how we made bad choices in friends, relationships, and safety. There are murderers who have charm and looks. There are great-looking people who will ruin your life if they get a chance. Some psycho- and/or sociopathic people thrive because of the shallow nature of the rest of us.

People who look deeper and feel deeper and think deeper are so often thought of as 'strange' or odd. I had a hard time when I was younger because I just didn't care as much about the same things as most of my peers did. I was never the person who felt comfortable at parties or other common social situations. I would find myself trying to have a good time but getting distracted or lost in my thoughts about what was going on around me. Thank God I had wonderful parents. They let me know that it was okay not to fit in everywhere. They would tell me not to worry about have a lot of friends and just to try having good friends. Plus, I come from a large extended family so I had cousins and such. Being a military kid was a blessing and a curse since I was never going to be around the same crowd of kids for long.

Once again, because of brain fog, I've kind of forgotten where the hell I was traveling on this train of thought! Mainly though, I just wanted to talk about how we don't get to know other people - or even ourselves - as well as we should because we never look deep enough.

I will give up trying to pull my thoughts back together and just update this post if I can on another day. Of course, I'm pretty sure my brain will wake up all ready to cooperate just when I get good and sleep tonight...

Peace
--Free

Colin Kaepernick, Color, and Other Distractions

Warning: Near the end of this post, things get "religious". You can skip that if you want, but I hope you don't. 

Some time ago, I was involved in a heated Facebook discussion. Tell you the truth, I can't even remember what the subject was. Race or sex or one of the other divisive issues that are trending recently.

There's a lot of heat and temper happening on every social media platform. Trump vs Clinton; black lives, white lives, all lives; straights vs gays; one religion or another; pro-choice, pro-life... On and on and on it goes. People are fussing and fretting and un-friending.

You know what the central theme in all of this is? Divisiveness.

What we all should be discussing is the one thing most of us are not discussing which is, who benefits from all this fussing?

My opinion? Whoever controls mainstream media, is happy to see that we are behaving like lemmings and following the latest "hot topic". Because, as long as we are snapping at each other over race and politics and sex, we aren't watching anything else going on around us.

Here are some things that I think we should be paying attention to (or wondering about):

• Scientists Explain Why Greenwich Prime Meridian Moved
• What this bit (from an article about the founder of Pokemon Go) means & why it doesn't bother people.

The technology and inner workings of the game also remain mysterious even to experts like Frank Lantz, the director of the New York University Game Center and one of the leading academics in the field. (my emphasis) [Source]

• Why no one I personally know seems to even know about CERN and it's LHC when even Stephen Hawking is said to be not generally pleased with it all. There's lots of information online about the LHC (but not on most Facebook timelines, hah!) and some of biased. Some is put out there by nervous, so-called 'conspiracy theorists' or 'nutcases', some is reported news about the project, and some of put out there by those who pooh-pooh the former. I just keep my eyes open, Trash-talk me if you want, but the CERN logo does creep the Christian in me out:

          Not to mention that odd "dance opera"


SYMMETRY - CERN dance-opera film (official trailer) from TRUTH.IO on Vimeo.
       

          (By the way, some more mainstream sources have reported on concerns about the LHC)

• Why the only people I know talking about the Mandela Effect only talk about the pop culture references. I'm more concerned with the references to the Scriptures. As far as I can tell, there are 4 groups of thought on the ME and Scripture: Some people think that the ME idea is being used to deceive believers by making them believe the Bible has been altered. Some people believe that there is definitely something to the idea that the ME has effected the Bible - or not. Some people are undecided. Most have not even paid any attention one way or the other because, well, you know, the Bible is not a big Facebook timeline feature. (I will explain what I think and why in a postscript.)
• Finally, I am wondering just why it is that we are being encouraged to focus on what divides us. 

News is news is news is news, I get that. Negative stuff happens that needs to be reported on. I get that. What I don't get is why there seem to be cycles of reporting that will focus so heavily on one negative or divisive issue until citizens are ready to attack each other. Think about stuff that dominated the news for a period of time, then dropped off the radar: Teacher-student sex, global warming; animal abuse; mothers killing their babies; parents leaving their kids in hot cars; celebrity sex tapes/photos, meltdowns, breakdowns, overall bad public behavior; Ebola; bullying and suicide because of bullying; workplace harassment; etcetera. Recently, we've had the zika virus and police-on-black crime. The last few days, all I've been hearing about is Chris Brown and the beauty queens - and that's just from opening my news app, not from reading People or US.

I have a big bone to pick with people that can't shut off their phones long enough to have a conversation with another person in their orbit. Some years back, my sister and I would shake our heads at two of our then tween-aged nieces because of their phone obsession. They could be sitting in the backseat of a small car together and you wouldn't hear a peep out of them because they texted everything. And it wasn't just a case of "the 'rents" being present; they just were hooked. These days, I see the same obsession among grown people. I think that some of them would need alcohol or a prescription to go four hours without a phone in their hands.

So, while we are busy posting photos and memes and jokes and useless crap - that means ZERO to our daily lives and actual relationships - other people (smart? devious? conniving?) are running the world. They are running the world and running us.

Here's my solution: how about the next time you get ticked off about something someone posted on a divisive issue, you change the subject to something we haven't talked to death?

People, people, my people -all my people - take your eyes off your phone, shut off your televisions, pause the gossip and smack talk for a minute and start your brains back up. 

Peace
--Free


P.S.:

I believe that some words have been changed in the KJV Bible. I have read my Bible cover to cover twice in my lifetime and I'm still unfamiliar with a lot of passages. I admit that my memory probably has failed me on some of the so-called Mandela Effected words. However, there are some things that I do not remember reading in my KJV (the one that I read cover to cover). Here are some of the ones that I will be asking others about:

1. I want to say (and did previously say) that I NEVER heard the phrase "the wolf shall dwell with the lamb: {Isaiah 11:6} or "the wolf and the lamb shall feed together" {Isaiah 65:25}, but my memory might be faulty on those. I do agree with others that it seems I only heard "lion" - not the wolf. Also, someone mentioned that it's common to hear of "lion and lamb" ministries and not anything to do with wolves. This is one that I really want to say that I know has changed, but I can't do so with a 100% certainty.
2. Luke 17:31 (I know that I know that I know I never saw the word "stuff" when I read this.)
3. Mark 13:10 (my Bible always read "preached" not "published")
4. Luke 19:23 is another I want to say I am sure of but I cannot. This is where "To the exchangers" now reads "into the bank". 
5. I'll just sit this one right here and let you know that I do believe I would have remembered reading this in 2Kings 18:27:

But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you? (my emphasis)

Because of who I am and how I think, I'm pretty sure I would have noticed that one.

There are 2 reasons that I believe changes could have been made and both come from Scripture. The first is Revelation 22:19

And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.

The other is Matthew 5:18 (think about meaning, not just the reading).

And since the Matthew 5:18 reference might make someone smirk (after all, the ME is about changing the Scripture, right?), I go on to Deuteronomy 11:18 and Proverbs 6:21 telling us to have God's Word written "on our hearts". Could it be we were told this because one day someone would try changing the words written on paper in our published Bibles?

Finally, I know that a lot of people will laugh and say that, boy some of those nutty Christians are at it with their conspiracy theories again. I don't mind getting laughed at for that because there always has been a conspiracy going on. From the minute Satan tempted Adam and Eve out of the garden, he's been trying to tempt all the rest of us out of reach of Heaven.

Do I think that man is able to change what has been printed in people's Bibles for all these years? No. Here is what I do think:

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. (Eph 6:12)

See, I can go back to the Word of God for the answers I need, even when I don't get the answers I want. That's why my hope will always be in Him. The words printed on the paper in the book that is my Bible can change. The word of God that is written on my heart won't. I don't need to memorize every single Scripture because I have believed for a long time in the one that's most important to me:

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God.

Notice it doesn't say "whosoever is perfect" or (fill in the blank - sinless, or straight, or white, or rich, or pretty, or thin, or smart, etc.) whatever else.

Peace
--Free

If There Is No God

There were a couple of posts on G+ earlier today about God. About whether He is or is not "real," and what people think about Him. I was very general in my own declaration of faith. This post is my more specific statement.

For the record, I believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

A friend (who does not believe in God, by the way) once asked me if I'd live my life differently if I knew there was no God. At the time, I hemmed and hawed and ended up giving the non-answer of, "But there is a God so your question makes no sense." This is what I wished I'd said:

Because I know there is a God, I try to live my life with kindness and compassion. I try to forgive and love and see past people's faults. I won't commit adultery with someone else's spouse or be unfaithful in any way to a spouse of mine. I won't kill or set out to hurt anyone. I try hard not to lie or steal or cheat or be deceitful in any way. I try to treat other people the way I want to be treated. I try, I try and I try. As flawed as I am, I try to be better.

I try to live in the best way I know how because I know there is a God. If there were no God and I died today, I wouldn't regret living my life the way I have. But, because there is a God, I'm forgiven for everything I've tried and failed at.

(For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwells no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not Romans 7:18)

I wish I had asked my friend if he would live his life differently if he believed in God.

I would have posed to him this: If there is no God, there is no "good." If there is no good, there is no "evil." If there is no good and evil, there is no right and wrong. If there is no right and wrong, what is the point?

I'm no Bible scholar so I don't get into deep arguments about my Christianity, but my faith is not based  on feelings. My faith is based on logic and on proof of what God has done in my life. I was raised in the Pentecostal church, but I was not always a Christian. I am now a non-denominational Christian - reading the Bible for myself. When I attend church, it is for the fellowship and prayer, but I don't "follow" any minister or religious teacher.

That is all I have to say about my belief in God. If you don't believe in God, that is your choice, but I still love and respect you as a fellow human being.

Peace
--Free

Crisis of Faith

Since I got sick, I have suffered such a crisis of faith. The feeling of being abandoned by God. The feeling of spiritual emptiness. Oddly enough, I know that some of it was caused by the medicine I had to take, and since being on a lower dosage has helped, I have proof of the side effects.

At any rate, I was really struggling to cling to my faith the past several weeks. This morning I had the energy to search the internet for examples of others going through the same thing. If you google "crisis of faith," and scan the articles and blogs, you would be amazed at what you find. Apparently, even Mother Theresa struggled (for FIFTY years!) with this. Personally, not being Catholic, I can't relate to what Mother Theresa felt, but being Christian, with my whole belief being in salvation through the blood of Jesus alone, I can relate to a sermon I found.

I can truly say that this sermon blessed me this morning:  Lenten Series - The Seven Last Words My God, My God, Why Have You Forsaken Me?  I feel it was just the thing I needed. Bless the author! Even if you are not having a crisis of faith, I suggest you go over and check it out because it's such a reminder of what faith is.

The first thing that struck me is that I am not alone. I'm not the only Christian to be tested. Christ himself was tested! Somehow, I had forgotten all about how the Lord cried out from the cross about being forsaken. Being fully human, Jesus was able to feel what we feel and, at that time, he felt given up on. So who am I to feel different?

The second thing that struck me is that all this time, I have been focused on the darkness of my situation - or the Good Friday - when I was ignoring the hope and glory of the light - or Easter. (The author's words are so powerful: "Those were not his last words from the cross." Amen! Jesus' last words were that it was finished.

So, here and now, I may have to go through this human pain and suffering (and it won't be easy; in fact, it may get worse), but one day, when I leave this world, I get to go Home and be with Jesus. Maybe even while I am still here, I will be happy again, but I'm not supposed to be living for this "life." It is for my life in Heaven that I am waiting for.

While I was feeling sorry for myself, I had forgotten about all the other suffering people who have it as bad or worse than me. Think of the little starving babies you see who live in famine, people born into a living hell of war or disease; people who have never eaten like I have or lived in decent shelter. I had not thought of the absolute luxuries I once enjoyed while so many millions of people suffered every day of their lives.

So, this day, I am thankful for this crisis. This struggle I am going through is going to keep me praying and holding on with both hands to my faith and hope for what eternity has in store for me.


Peace
--Free

Showmanship vs Salvation

I saw this over at C&D and I thought it was going to be a little bit humorous. Shame on me.

I'm not sure how I feel about this "sermon." I mean, there is a message and their seems to be a lot of sincerity, but... Does it really take all that? I grew up going to the Holiness church, so I'm used to the style of preaching, but when they rolled that casket out... and then when he made his "re-entrance," all I could wonder was, was he preaching to reach people for Christ, or was he just showing out? (Imagine the conversations later when people are talking about how he "Sure did preach today!")

Lately, I've been through some major stuggles and changes in my life. I have been crying out to God and literally putting my face to the floor in prayer. When I see this over-the-top kind of theatrical preaching, I'm thinking that's not what people need in these tough times. People need a pastor who is touching them in a way that matters to their situation. If I'd been sitting in that congregation, I'd probably have wanted him to stop all that carrying on and just put his hand on my head in prayer. Or preach about getting through trials. All that acting out that he did would have probably sent my nerves right over the last edge. We have to start getting real here, folks, times are really rough and souls are in pain - even Christian souls - and if I want a show, I can go to a movie. Church is for faith and strength and encouragement to hold out in this race we are in.

I know that some of you are going to think I'm being too critical, and maybe I am. I just don't know how this one makes me feel. Take a look for yourself.