Dating Advice

I was talking to one of my younger nieces the other day about her problems with meeting decent men. She is in her mid-twenties and living in a large city in the Lower 48. Should be easy to at least connect with one or two nice young men.

As we talked, I could hear her frustration, but then I remembered something about her (and about myself when I was around the same age): the types of men she was looking to date had nothing to do with the type she might actually be happy with. Going from there, I gave her advice that came from my own personal experience. (Too damn bad I had to learn all this after going through hell.) Anyway, my niece thought that my advice was good enough to share with others. I felt so good about that, I'm going to give it a shot...

First, try thinking of what you like about a guy- any guy, not just the ones you'd want to date. I have always had close male friends in my life. These are guys that I wouldn't dream of dating. They are just great friends. For whatever reason, we are only attracted to each other as friends.

Think of the men you know and really like. What is it that you like about them? For me, it's personality or sense of humor or smarts. Those are just the things I happen to find attractive about men. However, when I was younger and dating, I always looked for other things. I was all into whether they guy was "nice-looking" (and sometimes not even by my own standards). I was looking for the guy that I thought would make me look good or better just because I was with him. I was an idiot then. I'm a little wiser now.

So, my advice is this:

1- Look for what you like in a man. Is it a sense of humor, the way he smiles, a sweet personality or maybe just the way he makes you feel special? When you are out and about - shopping, at the movies or gym, in church or wherever you generally expect to meet a man - don't limit yourself. Out of any number of guys you might meet, only so many of them are going to be some kind of Adonis, but more of them are likely to have other qualities you want. Understand this: there is a reason some guys are called "bad boys" and others are called "nice guys."

2- Look for a friend who can end up being more. (I myself only used to believe in love at first sight. I have actually experienced deep liking at first sight.) It makes no sense to try being with someone you can't have a whole relationship with. A guy might be loaded with money, droolingly gorgeous or have a reputation as a great lover, but what happens outside of all that? Try to find someone you can talk to, listen to and just vibe with. Wouldn't it be better to look for someone you can count on to be there for you no matter what? If you get the right guy with the right qualities, money and physical attractiveness won't be the best thing in your relationship. I don't care how great a lover a man is supposed to be, for most women good sex comes from how we are made to feel before we get near a bedroom.

3- Don't worry about what other people think of a man  you choose to be with. He might not be what they call handsome or desirable or whatever, but if he makes you happy, then be happy.

And, probably most important

4- Look for the man that respects you, truly likes and cares for you and wants to be happy with you. You don't want a guy - no matter what he looks like or how much money he has - to beat you down, break you down or take you down.

I hope this helps. Like I said, it took me a long time to learn this. I've had heartache like you wouldn't believe. I've had the man who wanted to break me down - and he did, for a while. I don't want any of my friends or family to go through that kind of hurt.

I want to end by sharing a sweet little story with you.

 When I was traveling back home from Texas a few years ago, I overheard a couple sitting near me in the DFW terminal having a minor argument. The argument seemed to be over something petty and finally, the wife wouldn't even discuss  it. She folded her arms and turned her back on the her husband. Poor guy, he sat there for a minute looking like he was praying to understand the female mind. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when, after a few quiet moments, I heard him pitifully tell his wife, "All I want is for you to be happy."

Wow. That's the way I want a man to feel about me because that the way I want to feel about a man.

Peace
--Free

First Moves

It's 4:30 in the morning. I'm wide awake.

My best friend and I were up really late talking. About men.

Men. They really are hard to figure out.

My friend and I are both in situations where we have what we are calling our "Grown folk crushes." And neither one of us can figure out what the objects of our crushes are thinking.

This is some hilarious stuff. To be grown and still not able to "get" what a man has going on in his head...

What do men think? Do they worry that if they are attracted to you, they have to wait to make sure you are attracted to them? Why are their signals so subtle?

Yeah. So. J and I have decided (because we are women and always logical) that both our crushes are just as nervous as we are about approaching someone they like. Makes sense. No one wants to risk being deflected. No one wants to make the first move.

So. What to do? What to do?

J has made up her mind to make the first move. Easy for her. If she gets cut off at the pass (get it?) she doesn't have to see her crush again. Embarrassing but survivable. She can lick her wounds, come tell mama-pal all about it, have some ice-cream and move on. Eventually.

Me. Hah. I'd have to feel like crawling under a rock in shame every time I saw my crush. Or move away. Or just will myself numb and blind and completely undisturbed every time I saw him.

Wow. You think that as you get older, you get wiser, right? Well, that ain't happening over here.

Before we hung up, J asked me the world's stupidest question: "What's the worst that could happen?"

What is she? New to the planet? The worst that could happen is that I end up mortified and frozen on the spot. Just end up standing there, rooted to the spot, mouth hanging open while I try to think of a way to act like I wasn't telling someone that I am attracted to them. I mean, how do you play that off? Say something like, "Oh, okay, so... heh heh. Yeah.... All right. Um..."? See, I'm good at most social situations, but I really don't think I could pull that off without looking like I need rehab for the critically stupid.

Bottom line is, I haven't decided what to do yet. I am the queen of proud. There is almost no way I would set myself up for that kind of humiliation. Almost no way. I might get a burst of crazy and just blurt everything out the next time I get the chance. Tell you what though, J better have ice-cream and sugar cones ready. And not just the regular old sugar cones, but those really nice waffle-y kind - the ones coated on the inside with chocolate. And maybe some Snickers bars. I can't survive crushing (really, did I say crushing) disappointment without caloric comfort.

Whatever happens, I will let you know. Because if I'm going to go down in flames, I might as well write about it.

Peace
--Free

A G+ friend posted this song I had not listened to in a while. It's really the kind of song you hum to yourself when you are crushing on someone. (Etta James' "At Last" doesn't come til your are out of crush stage and into the getting-to-know-ya stage.)



(And, by the way, that whole "women always logical" thing? You know that was just a joke, right? Of course you did.)

Mammy-made Rant (Pt II)

He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words.(Elbert Hubbard)

You guys know by now that I like quotes & that one is one of my favorites. It's also a perfect start for the continuation of my previous post.
After our little falling-out, G (GWA - Girlfriend W/Attitude) and I fell back in - just like we always do. We pitch our little fits because our personalities make us almost complete opposites. BUT G & I will probably always be friends.
That's what I was thinking about when she called me up on Valentine's Day. She was at work. I was at home (and attempting to pack since I'm supposed to be headed to another state in a few weeks). I was busy, frustrated, and surrounded by my life separated into piles of "To Be Sold," "To Be Stored," "To Be Shipped," and "To Be Trashed." I snatched up the ringing phone without checking Caller ID, just ready to take out some of my stress on a telemarketer. The minute I heard G's voice, I forgot everything else. My G was having a crisis.
Like I said, she was at work & she was surrounded by other females who were all cooing over their delivered flowers, candy, and other Valentine's Day loot. Meanwhile, no deliveries had come for her. Not even one of those sweetheart phone calls that can have you floating through the rest of your day. G said that she'd even tried calling her boyfriend to see if he'd gotten the gift she'd sent (a cologne set), but he was either not at work or the receptionist was lying for him. He wasn't answering his home or cell phone either.
Talk about a crisis.
It's bad enough to be single & have to deal with Valentine's Fever at work, but when you're part of a couple... Wow.
Anyway, G and I (always at our best in a crisis) handled the situation. I ordered a delivery of what had to be the last flowers in the state, and when they arrived at G's office, she called me up and talked in such a way that everyone within earshot thought she was thanking someone named "Baby" and "Honey." After work, she came by with wine and cheesecake & we had a great time applauding our combined genius. Her heart & pride was pretty beat up, but I was able to make her smile.
And that's how female friendships survive. Most women don't bond easily with other females, but when we do bond, it's almost unbreakable. This is what I was thinking about as G and I finished the second bottle of wine. And I started thinking that if women had the same criteria for the men we let into our lives as we do for our girlfriends, we'd probably save ourselves a lot of heartache.
I explained this theory to G in that mellow and deeply philosophical way of a person not used to drinking so much wine. G - just as drunk as I - understood me perfectly. We discussed it for a while and I came up with a list of "Relationship Declarations":
I am what I am. I cannot & will not fake being some fantasy woman out of your unrealistic dreams. That's not consistent, healthy, or sane.
You is what you is. Relax and be yourself. I might not like everything about the "real" you, but at least I'll know what I'm getting. I can work with that.
Life is what it is. Life is not going to be one long, perfect, moonlit date with a Grammy-winning soundtrack playing in the background of our relationship. We have to be able to get through the good days and bad.
I finished ticking off these points, then looked over to see if there was anything G wanted to add. I guess not. She was sprawled across my sofa, dead to the world & probably dreaming about killer cheesecakes going after her now ex-boyfriend.
I pulled a blanket out of the "To Be Shipped" pile and draped it over her. When I stumbled to bed, I remained conscious long enough to thank God for the girlfriends in my life. Girlfriends who understand my silence and my words - even when I get on one of my mammy-made rants.

My words for today:

"If man & woman could switch places for a day, woman would explore the mind & man would explore the body." (Free 2/2006)

Listening to:

"You" (Earth, Wind & Fire - from the album "Love Songs")