Monday, August 24, 2009

Yearnings

Man.

Life is so tough sometimes. I think some tough things are easier when they are crappy for you and everyone can tell things are crappy for you, but when tough things are just crappy and people can't understand it... Well, that's the toughest thing of all.

I mean, if you become widowed or get divorced, people can understand that kind of hurt. They understand that, until you've healed, it doesn't seem to matter to you that you have a your health, your home, your job. They understand that those things don't ease the pain of your loss. No one with a decent heart would dream of coming up to you after a funeral or divorce hearing and say that you should just buck up and enjoy your blessings. They'd give you time to deal with your loss and pain, and they'd even acknowledge that part of the loss and pain is now forever a part of you - in spite of your other blessings.

But when you have a unfulfilled yearning for something that many folks take for granted, people don't seem to understand that kind of pain. They not only dream of telling you to buck up and get on with your life, they make it a point to tell you.

Okay, maybe I'm being a little bit unfair. I know that most people (at least the ones I know) are more sensitive that that. But, still, I myself and guilty of sometimes minimizing the hurt caused by things not as big as death, divorce, etc. But then, sometimes, I see someone's hurt rise to the surface so strongly that it can't be ignored.

Here's the thing:

A really special person in my life has always - and I mean, ALWAYS - wanted a baby. She's smart, funny, sweet, amazing, married, settled in home and career and has been ready for the longest to be pregnant. So, after over 7 years, still no baby. And all around her, less smart, funny, amazing, married and settled-in people are having a baby every time you turn around. (Not that some of these folks aren't fit or ready to be parents, but, dang - some of them have NO business getting pregnant at this time in their lives...)

So, of course, when you yearn for something that you just can't seem to have, you see others all around you getting that very thing. And because the rest of your life is so blessed, people can't understand how crappy you feel about that one missing thing.

I myself don't know what it is to yearn to be a mother. I have worried some about that missing desire. Part of the reason I don't have it (or at least this is what I tell myself) is that I helped to raise two of my nieces. Loved them, loved the experience and have been shaped and changed by it for the better, but I feel like: been there, done that. When the girls were young and I tried explaining our home situation to friends and co-workers, I'd joke that I'd been every part of a Mom except for the pregnant part. Don't get me wrong - I have had those temporary flashes of "Awwww...." when watching a new mother and father, or when I'd see an infant dozing or smiling... But the flashes passed. I seriously don't know what it feels like to just ache for the full motherhood experience.

What I do know is what it feels like to yearn for something while it remains just out of reach.

So all I can do is pray for this special person I know and hope that she will be blessed with a child. And I really hope that all those people out there who ARE blessed with children will appreciate their blessing to the fullest. And I am training myself hard NOT to say certain things to her ever again, like: "Maybe it's not meant," or "Just give it time." God knows, I don't want to hear any of that when it comes to what I want. I can tell her to keep praying and seeking God about it. I can let her cry and I can remind her often of what an amazing person she already is.

Peace
--Free

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