A Sneaky Peeky

Okay you guys. I never do this, but a really dear friend encouraged me to.

I am going to post a snippet of an excerpt from the rough draft of my current work. According to my friend, this will force me to tighten up my writing. He also thinks that I need to feel "exposed" as a writer so that I can really create. This friend of mine says that I am both wild and repressed. (Some friend, huh?)

Anyway, I am always so paranoid that someone is going to take my story and run away to Printland with it! I can't even talk about it anymore, so I'm just going to do it.

Untitled Work

(by T.M.Conway)

Of course, I felt stupid. I was sixteen but felt five. Being here in this new/old place where I’d been born but never lived, it made me feel out of sync with my soul.

My cousin let me feel lost for a second then said, “I started smoking when I was fourteen. Quit for a while, then I met Boogie and started back. It was smoke or get pregnant.”

Now I felt even more stupid. Who was Boogie and why did smoking keep Sugar from getting pregnant. And why was my cousin doing things at just a few months older than me that could get her pregnant? Then I learned that Sugar had her own way of carrying on conversations. She answered me without prodding.

“I was trying hard to keep from smoking,” she said. “Mother Henry dying the way she did just about scared shit out of me about cigarettes.”

(Mother Henry? Someone from the church then. I was keeping up.)

“She had so much trouble breathing right before she died that they said Brother Henry had to prop her up so high in bed, looked like she was ‘bout to take off running.”

Overhead, the Collinsford sun was bright. I liked the way the heat made my legs feel longer and prettier. The heat did things to me, I’d been noticing. Texas heat was different from the heat in Anchorage or Seattle. Texas heat made me think things and want things and even (if it was nighttime and the air still enough) feel things I didn’t know how to resist feeling.

Sugar’s voice came at me from like a dream I was having about being back here in my mother’s hometown – my birthplace.

“Said she’d only smoked for six or seven years when she was real young. Got saved and joined church and never lit another stick. Wouldn’t even let Brother Henry have his pipe anywhere but outside on the porch. All that and then died without being able to take a good deep breath.”

Somewhere an insect made a strange noise. A car or truck coughed to life a few streets away.

“I had to go over there one time and sit with the old lady. Just long enough for Brother Henry to get some rest while everybody else was at the church for a big prayer meet. I sat there for about an hour and almost lost my mind, listening to that woman trying to breathe. Poor old woman sounded so bad, I started talking to God about whether or not it would be a sin to put a pillow over her face and just let her rest for real.”

My heart seemed to be beating really slow, like through syrup or history or… something. I propped my elbows the scarred wood of my Aunt Sadie’s porch, lifted my face to the sun  and closed my eyes. (Dreaming awake.)

“So you quit smoking?” My voice didn’t sound as if it came from me.

“For a while. It was too hard though. It was like when you try to make your mind empty. All you can do is fill it up, right? And I stayed cranky cos all the time I was either hung-over or sore. Pretty sure Boogie was starting to hate me.”

I turned my head, squinted against sunrays to look at Sugar.

She shrugged. “Cos I was always drunk or fucking. Was the only way I could keep my mind off smoking.”

My heart punched into my ribs. I’d never heard the word “fuck” spoken. Images flashed through my mind. Images of the time I’d seen a magazine hidden behind the toilet tank in a school friend’s house.

Sugar snorted a little laugh my way.

Was she laughing at me?

“Yeah. So. I don’t wanna end up with a baby hanging off my tit. Not yet. Not til at least after I finish school.” She yawned and leaned back, elbows against the top step, legs stretched down the other three.

I turned my head to look at her once more. Her eyes were closed against the world.

“And maybe not even then,” she said.

(© T.M. Conway)

Peace
--Free

Don't Be Fickle, My Readers...

Really, people? Anytime I go away for a few minutes - from either the blog or from G+, you guys just stop visiting my posts.

SMH

Shame on you!

Seriously, though. I am away on very important life business. For one thing, I have to determine what I am going to (be able to) be doing with the rest of my life; for another thing, I have to really get something done on this book I am writing. I need to finish this thing.

I will be hit and miss on G+ and here on the blog, but I do check in & I sure hope you guys keep supporting my blog by stopping by. I mean, it's not like you can't go back and (re-) read some of the older posts! LOL

Miss you guys & be back with you regularly soon.

Peace
--Free

Unlikely Crushes

Since we are all talking about crushes on both G+ and my new social hangout, Glipho, let me talk about crushes that might surprise you. Why not? I've talked to death about obvious crushes I have. (And, yes, this is something of a filler post. I haven't been keeping up the blog like I should, so...)

Number One: Katt Williams.

This was tough for me to admit. Not less than a year ago, I was trash-talking this man like I knew him and he owed me money. All I'd ever heard about him was so negative. I actually believed he was a pimp, so that was a big strike out. When I did see bits and pieces of his comedy shows, I heard three things that turned me off: weed, "ni**ers" and impolite names for female anatomy. I didn't even hear the jokes.

I'm not sure at which point it was that I listened to Katt Williams tell a joke all the way through to the punchline. I do remember when I heard about his love for children. That was a few months back when I started hearing about all the supposed troubles he was (is) going through. Out of that, I remember hearing more of his concern for his children. What made me fall head over heels into my crush on him was when I found out that he has eight children - seven of them adopted. Wow. Now that's man that makes my heart flutter. Y'all know how I am about smart being the new sexy, well manning up is the new swagger.

I have to admit that even when I am (now) listening to his comedy routines, I cringe a little at the language, but I am cringing and laughing. I laughed so hard one time that I literally almost fell over off the stool I was sitting on.

So, Katt Williams tops the list, for being smart, kind, a family man and funny. I sure hope he can hold up through all the trouble he's said to be dealing with. As my mother used to say: Satan gets busy sometimes.

Number Two: Michael Croslin

Yes, I know, I know. You probably have not heard of him. I only know because I looked him up when I learned that it was he who invented computerized devices for monitoring pulse and blood pressure. I have a gratitude (and hotness) for the science-minded who have made life better for the rest of us. It's the whole "smart/sexy" thing again. Even if Croslin (born before my mother) is that much older, I have to crush a bit.

(By the way, if anyone has more info, I'd appreciate some links. I found very little online. Surprise, surprise. I guess if I wanted a category with a million references, I should have been looking up killers or rapists instead of scientists and inventors. ~shrug~)

Number Three: Tito Puente

What can I say? He had rhythm and style and an what I call "elder suave." Look at him. Still had it.



Just love any man who can move and/or make others want to move.

Peace
--Free

Do I Really Want to be This Alone With My Thoughts?

Ever since I saw a post on G+ about relaxation tanks and deprivation chambers, I've been fascinated with the idea.

It seems therapeutic to take a little time to clear your head and just think without all the distractions of life. I started thinking how nice it would be to experience this kind of restful solitude and I wondered if there were any local places that offered the chance to try it out.

You know that anytime you start a search for one thing, you have to wade through twenty-million other things, right? I always start my searches way too general and never do get around to specifics.

A check for deprivation chambers brought up the expected tidal wave of results. I ended up checking out a link to how the chambers work.

Oh boy.

I got exactly 14 seconds in with this video and damn near had to call 9-1-1. Did you see her nose going under water? I couldn't stand to watch any longer. I almost drowned by proxy.

This video is not as exciting and artistic-looking, but at least I got the point without needed follow-up therapy.

Hmmm. Sounds nice, right? Except I didn't hear anything about cost or time limits. Pretty sure these aren't the kind of setups that you can have in an apartment as small as mine, even if you could afford one. Still, I did like the idea of getting enough relaxation and stress-relief to replace hours of sleep.

I sincerely liked the idea until I realized that I would be locked into a tank with nothing but some quiet relaxation. And my thoughts.

Speaking of therapy.

I have trouble with too much relaxation. Seriously.

The other day, I started using the background sound videos on YouTube. I've been playing 4 to 8 hours of rainfall, ocean waves, wind-chimes... It was starting to sound like some sort of temple in my bedroom, but the soothing noises do help me stay focused on writing tasks. I liked the effect so much that I decided to use a video of sounds to help me sleep.

Okay. Once again I need to bring up my strange personality - phobia, weirdities and all.

Night One: I drifted off to sleep to the sound of crickets and wind and something that gently ticked. I woke up having a screaming nightmare about insects crawling over my body while I stood naked in a dark windy field looking at a scarecrow that was dressed like the priest in The Exorcist.

Night Two: I tried dozing off to some meditation chants and that seemed to work. I slept longer, but still woke up at around 3 in the morning with memories of having performed strange sex acts with someone who (in my dreams) reminded me of my ex. I doused my room with holy water, said some prayers and told Satan to get thee behind me.

If I react like that in my sleep when I get too relaxed, I can't imagine the counseling I'd need after an hour or two in a deprivation chamber. I write to get thoughts out of  my head; nothing sane can come of spending too much time with them.

Peace
--Free

Reading, Writing & Will I Flip?

No, I won't flip out, but I was driving myself a little batty the other day while trying to focus on writing.  I've had so much trouble concentrating since my bout with Sarc that I'm thinking of talking to my doctor about it. I mean, what's happened? Have I developed some sort of attention deficit problem?

Anyway, I did manage to concentrate long enough to figure out a way to battle my problem with keeping focus. I resorted to something my father once taught me about: background noise. I should say that my father taught me to choose my own background noise to rid myself of the distractions caused by random noises.

Can I stop here and say that there are wonderful benefits to living in this day and age? Back in the day when I needed some background noise, I had to plug my ears and listen to my heart beat. These days? Well, let's just give YouTube a standing ovation, shall we? This is one of several videos I found to provide some nerve-calming sounds to your situation:

Um, it was at least something like this one. There are a TON!

Of course, you know how I am - easily-distracted and attracted. I spent thirty minutes checking out my options. There were videos with rain, rain and thunder; rain, birds and thunder... I'm pretty sure that if I'd kept looking, I would have found something even more specific, like maybe rain from the summer or '69 at two in the afternoon. Seriously. Go take a look. 

Once I chose a video and got down to work on my writing, I couldn't believe how much more focused I was. I was so focused that I felt more creative than I had for a long time.

But you know me. Or maybe you don't.

After a couple of hours, I started to feel like there was something missing. Something that would complete my writing experience.

I found it in this little application: Qwertick.

Oh, boy. Once I had my laptop keys sounding like a real typewriter, Hemingway couldn't have told me Nah-thin!

Isn't it funny how the mind works? Or maybe it's just my mind. Something like a change in background noise or the sounds a keyboard makes can change up the whole writing situation.

At any rate, I thought that I'd tell you all about my experience. Especially my buddies over at G+, where I haven't been in so long that I'm offended no one has sent out a search party. 

Speaking of social networks, and since I am blogging, I need to mention just one more thing I ran across in the last couple of days. There is this blogging network called Glipho. It's described as a "social publishing engine." You will  have to check it out. I am on there now, but just feeling my way around. If you do join up, come by and say Hello to me.

Now I need to turn off my distractions, turn on my background sounds and get back to work. (Maybe after I run by G+ and say Hi to the folks over there!)

Peace

--Free

Bookshelf Dreams

That time of year is coming around again. It's a day that brings out the best and worst in me. My "inner child" comes out to play once a year. Sometimes she is a good girl, but sometimes, she is a pure and perfect nightmare of selfishness.

Yes, my birthday is coming.

Meh.

Yep. That's about  the way I look at it.

Even though I refuse to "grow up," my inner child is getting a bit wiser. The older I get, the more curious I am about things. I wish I'd had such a hunger for learning and discovering when I was younger.

I know am in tune with the saying about youth being wasted on the young.

When you are young, you do everything with gusto and no experience. It's the conundrum of life, I suppose. I mean, I couldn't appreciate a good heartache until I had blundered through a couple. Sex was only sex until I learned what real love was about. Smoking, eating, drinking - what a child I was about it all! How nice it would be to go back and enjoy the "first time" of some experiences, huh? But with the wisdom and palate of maturity.

But I ramble (because that's what older folk do).

This post is supposed to be about my dream bookshelf. Not a bookshelf of dreams, but what I dream of having on my bookshelf.

In all the moving around I've done over the past several years, I slowly let go of things that weighed me down. Getting rid of my books is a big regret. I did pass them on to friends and family, but, still. Thankfully, we live in an age when books are weightless, only taking up room on the microchip in our phones or tablets. What a world!

Having books on a microchip is pretty handy, but, as with photographs and letters, some things are better when we can touch them and hold them. Until I can collect hard copies of them, here are the books on my dream bookshelf *:

• The Conjure Woman
• Till We Have Faces
• The Marriage of Heaven and Hell
• The Souls of Black Folk
• The Art of War (though I probably won't read it)
• Everything by Zora Neale Hurston
• The Alchemist

There are so many more. There are the Christian fiction series by people like D. Brian Shafer and Frank Peretti. I also want to read more of the lesser known literary works of early African-American writers. 

Anyway, this is what I wish to see on my bookshelf. From now on, when I meet people, I'm going to ask what they would wish to have on their bookshelves.

(Note to my family: this post is not a hint, but do what you must!)

Peace
--Free

* I use Wikipedia in most links because it will provide an overview for those not familiar with a title and author.

When Apps Go Right

I am a horrible person. Not horrible in a mean-gal way, but horrible at learning new languages, and horrible about mimicking other people's accents!

While my sister is the champion of mimics, I am the ruling monarch of sucking at languages. When I'd meet someone who spoke something other than English, I used to at least try to learn how to say "hello," "please" and "thank you" in their tongue. Oh, that and a couple of naughty words or phrases!

A long time ago, in a place far away, I met a young Welsh woman, so I asked her to teach me how to say something impolite. For almost 25 years now, I've been telling folks I know how to tell someone in Welsh how to kiss my a**. I just used Google Translate. I don't know what I've been saying for all these years, but it doesn't seem to be anything like what Translate brought up.

For all the time that I have been in love with some of my celebrity crushes, I've planned that, upon them seeing me and falling instantly and deeply in love with me, I would say something charming in Spanish or French. At the rate I am learning, I won't be able to say "Hey handsome, what's up?" in English.

I bring up my horrible language skills because I found an app that just fascinates and amazes me. It's called the Rosetta Course series from, of course, Rosetta Stone.

Now, I have heard people complain that the Rosetta method is too expensive. Let me say this: the app that I checked out is just a taste of the Rosetta course and I managed to learn a Japanese word in about 20 seconds. Ask me, the Rosetta folks aren't charging enough!

With the app I am toying with, I attempted the Japanese before I almost sprang my tongue. I switched to Spanish. Nice.

This is surely an app to check out.

Raha*
--Free

(*Swahili. According to Google Translate: Raha = rest, joy, comfort, bliss, contentment, enjoyment.)

Look at Me, Doc!

Okay, so it's not me, but I have goals now!

You just wait. Once I have enough of my balance back to walk without hanging on to a rail.... it's gonna be on!

I dig this chick. You do your thang, Nicole! (And a Texas gal, too...)

And, now there is a dude doing it. Wow.

Tell you what, this'd be the only way I could Moonwalk!

Peace
--Free

Ain't This About A Blip?

I said I wasn't going to complain.

I'm not complaining.

My mouth is just hanging open in disbelief.

Pretty sure I'm not the only one who woke up to this view and said, "This is some bulls**t!"

Hopefully, the sun will be shining on my birthday - at the end of June!

SMH...


Peace
--Free

Still Here

It does so break my heart every time I hear this song.

I mean, I've heard that she had a lot of heartache and troubles, but she was still here to sing about it. Now she is gone and she will always be one of the many reminders to me that life is life and death is death. I don't want to be punked into giving up  - not by disappointment or shame or hurt or loss or fear. I want to go out fighting a little bit harder than that.

People say that suicide is a coward's way out. I don't think so anymore; I think that suicide is a brave act -stupid but brave. After all, you are rolling dice on eternity.  By giving up in a moment of overwhelming pain, you are forfeiting a chance at any more joy. It's stupid because you don't know how much of your love you are robbing other people of. You are giving up ever finding what could have been your saving hope - a person or pursuit. There could be someone you don't even know who will need you, and you won't be there. 

I bring up all this because there are many ways to commit suicide (and I'm not talking about intentional styles or methods). What I mean is that there are people all around us who are committing suicide by lifestyle and mindset.

A close friend of mine is dying a little every day by sitting and letting life pass her by. She is letting depression kill her without a weapon in sight. (And I am not downplaying the very real problems of depression.) 

Like I said, there are people dying of suicide all around us. When you are depressed and won't let anyone help you, that's suicide by default. When you are in a dangerous relationship and won't get help, that's suicide by shame. If you feel overwhelmed by life and can't lay down your fear or pride or shame to reach out in any way, that is suicide. It's slow suicide. 

Just like we should do for anyone with suicidal tendencies, we have to keep trying to reach people who are lost in their pain. Maybe because I am a Christian (imperfect as I am), I truly do believe that I am my brother's keeper.

I've been the one who needed "keeping." Thank God I had friends who were there for me. I was the one committing suicide by shame and pride and misguided wishing. I didn't want anyone to know I was in a dangerously abusive relationship. Shame and pride. I didn't want to give up on someone I once loved and wanted to love again - no matter how many times he put me in fear of my life. Misguided wishing. 

Anyway, believe it or not, a lot of my thoughts for this post came together out of a simple conversation about the weather. Yeah, I am both complex and simple! (Or just simple.)

It's been an unusual summer here so far. Anchorage is home to some great summertime weather. (Fairbanks has better summer weather, but they also have winters that will freeze your ovaries.) The weather here at this point sucks. It's so gloomy today that I had to have three hits of caffeine just to fall out of the right side of my bed. This is the way things have been since we expected summer starting in late April.

Am I complaining like a champion whiner? Yes, you bet. But I have a new philosophy about everything:

As long as I am here to complain, I'm doing better than I could be. I am still here. Some people left us way too early. I wonder if they can know that we miss them and think about them; crave their presence and need them?

Peace

--Free

I'm a Sixties, Seventies and Eighties Girl!

I'm not too crazy about much music from the Nineties and the Aughts, but, boy, I had a little flashback fun tonight...

I didn't make it to the gym, but I had a good workout dancing to some old faves and their remixes...

Here's an M.J. video that made me remember why he should have called himself the King of Dance...







Peace
--Free

Ginger, Oranges & Me

Spent my morning multi-tasking myself to distraction. I do my laundry every Saturday morning, but I seem to have so much more of it now that I'm stinking up all my gym clothes. (I don't know why I felt the need to share that thought!)

What I came to post about has nothing to do with laundry. I wanted to share my recipes for a couple of little concoctions I came up with. (And lemme stop lying; I didn't come up with a dang thing. What I did was add my own twist to something I saw online.)

This is a recipe for candied oranges.

I'm not as into candied oranges as I thought.

This is a recipe for candied ginger.

What I meant to search for was crystallized ginger, which seems to be candied ginger with a coating of sugar. ~shrug~

Okay. In the madness of all my screw-ups in finding recipes for candied and crystallized oranges and ginger, I went all ADHD in the kitchen and decided it would be nice to have some kind of sweet, sticky stuff to add to my sparkling waters and teas.

Since I already had made quite a mess of the counters, I went ahead, put on some music, and did my own thing.

This is what I came up with for orange-flavored syrup:

Ingredients

• Orange peels (can include mandarin, navel, etc.) 

• Sugar (I use raw sugar or honey and raw, but white table sugar is fine)

• vanilla (opt. If you can get hold of the bean, perfect!)

• vinegar (opt)

• water 

Instructions

• Preferable, but not necessary, to soak the peels for a several hours or overnight in cold water and vinegar to soften and leech any chemicals out.

• Use a knife to cut away all the white from the inside of peels. Cut the peels into strips

• Boil peels in plain water, draining and boiling at least 3 times. This is supposed to get rid of any bitterness.

• When finished with initial boilings, add equal amounts water and sugar (make sure water covers peels), and let simmer. For thicker syrup, more sugar and longer simmering time.

• You are going to keep the peels and syrup together.

I also like to add some vanilla extract (or natural vanilla bean) to the cooling syrup. Store in a tightly-lidded glass container in fridge.

This is my recipe for ginger-flavored syrup:

Ingredients

• Ginger (fresh, peeled)

• Sugar (I use raw sugar or honey and raw, but white table sugar is fine)

• Water

Instructions

• Slice the ginger in slivers

• Cover with water in pan and add equal amount of sugar

• Simmer until syrup begins to form

• After about an hour & a half, even with a thin syrup, the ginger will have flavored the water enough

• Keep ginger and syrup together & store in tight-lidded container in fridge

I like to add the ginger syrup to my drinking water after my workouts. My older brother just likes the syrup in any type of fizzy water.

Adding a couple drops of either syrup to sparkling water or tea (whether hot or cold), makes me feel like I've done something my mother and grandmother would be proud of. Besides, I know for a fact that ginger is good for upset tummies. Oranges are, well, just tasty.

Peace
--Free

P.S.:

Having a Fit, Living Fit

Your girl here has been trying hard to stay on the path of healthy living. Summer is here - even though no one has told the weather that - and there are no more excuses for me not to work out more. There are no more great piles of snow in the parking lot or slick side roads. And I'm back driving, so... As I proclaimed on G+ the other day, "I got a belly roll, belly roll, so off to the gym I go, to the gym I go." I do amuse my simple self at times.

I have been dared - no, double dog dared - to put up before and after pics. Ha! If I still looked like the blueberry gal from Willy Wonka, I'd be able to show an impressive "after" photo. But I look way better than that, so... Pics coming soon, so keep your eye on this space.

Some folks I know have asked what I am doing to get my skin and body back into shape. You do know that gaining and then losing a lot of weight puts your skin through its paces, right? You know now.

As I've done since I've been dressing myself, I've been using any and every moisturizer I can afford. I am in love with the Gene's Creme I told you about before and I still use it on my feet at bedtime. Now I am into coconut oil (organic, un-refined) because it's so versatile. I use it top to bottom - literally. I use it under any makeup and then to take off the makeup. It goes on my hair, my face, body and feet. It doesn't leave a greasy feel so I can use it without staining my clothes. (Ladies, it can even be used in the bedroom, and  I'm not talking about getting dressed.) I even have been substituting it at times for butter on my hot cereals. I really don't want you to lose your mind when I tell you I have been adding a touch of it to my morning coffee. I got started with it because of this chick here. After using it for a couple of weeks, I noticed that it works. Now, after about a month, I walk around soft as a baby's hind parts and smelling like something sweet and tropical.

Of course, I am still NOT smoking! (Yay, me.) I am keeping up with the gym visits. I don't go and stay for hours, but I get in there and do my circuit of 15 minutes on treadmill, elliptical and/or bike and the damn ab machines. I'm starting to hate this one ab machine, but she's the piece of metal trickery that's going to help me get into my skinny jeans! My big goal is to do last 30 minutes on an elliptical. There's one lady at the gym who looks to be about 70 years old. She does nothing but the elliptical the whole time I'm there. I was dripping a river of sweat after 5 minutes and she was watching the news while doing a couple minutes forward, a couple backwards. Switching it up like a boxer skipping rope. True story.

In addition to the outer body care, I've been paying attention to my insides. I'm giving the Activia thing a try. It's only been about 4 days, so I will report back later if I remember to. I'm drinking tons of water. I think the biggest positive (meaning fun and healthy) new thing I'm doing is using yogurt in more of my cooking. And trying new things in the kitchen. With food, people. Get my mind out of your gutter!

BzzAgent sent me coupons to try Fage yogurt for free. I did. I love it. I'm not crazy about plain yogurt, but I wanted to skip the fruit-flavored for something I could incorporate into actual meals. I have tried substituting the Fage for sour cream on food (yum-yum) and I added it to a cake I made. The cake was amazingly moist - and I'm sorry for sounding like a bad commercial, but it's the truth. After I tasted my "sample" cake, I decided to add some Fage to the store-bought chocolate frosting. Oh, good mercy! That was the best idea ever. I hate how sickly-sweet canned frosting sometimes are. The yogurt added a really creamy texture and such a nice tang to the frosting. The best of all: I doubled my frosting. I've refrigerated it and have been dipping fruit and cookies into it. I have to pat myself on the back for that idea! The Activia is fine for my snack, but I don't think I will be using any other yogurt from now on for my kitchen other than Fage.

Now, the best advice I can give for anyone going through the whole it's-a-life-change-not-a-diet thing is to put a really good friend to full use. In my case, it's a guy I bonded with online right after I first got sick. P.D. lives about as far away from me as you can get, but he's become a sort of long-distance platonic lover. I adore him because he is so freaking honest. Brutal, at times. He's lucky he lives on another continent, else I'd get to him and kill him in his sleep two or three times a month. My point, though, is: get someone like P.D. in your life. P.D. encourages me to do a little better every day. He calls to see if I made it to the gym or if I am eating right. That kind of a friend would be known as a nag if it weren't for the fact that he's so happy for the most minor positive thing I manage to do. Having a guy-friend is better when you are dieting; they aren't competing with you like your gal-friends.

Yeah, so, get a P.D. in your life or at least get a mindset of "I can do this,"and you will be on your way. Be your own cheerleader and coach. Right now, I have a pair of my pre-sick favorite jeans hanging on the wall next to my closet. About every other week, I can get those bitches pulled up a little farther. I can't wait for the day I can get them on without removing a rib.

I hope that you manage to find your motivation.

Meantime, here are a couple of sites I like for the information:

• Rodale
• Fitnea
• Care 2 (under health & wellness and green-living)

Welp! I am off to the gym.

Peace

--Free

Clean Mental Closets

I've had a little break from on-line life. My head was too crowded and full and unorganized to be healthy. I felt a little like this

*

and I couldn't breathe right. I had too many things swimming around in my head: worries, tensions, anxieties, fears, unrealistic wishes and impossible dreams. Actually, that's pretty much the way I live seventy percent of my life. Chaotic joy. Lately, it's been too much chaos.

I'm still not all the way fine, but compared to the way it was, my head feels better and all like

It's not perfect, but it's better. I still have to go through the vital things left after I trashed all the worthless crap.

I think I have come to grips with certain probabilities. Probably I am never

• going to have the great jobs I've always landed
• going to be as skinny as I used to be
• going to laugh as loud and fearlessly as I once was able to 
• going to look at anyone with my heart wide open
• going to live a life as weary-free as I did at 25

Probably. But I still have a twinge of hope.

Now that summer seems to be - really, finally, no-joking-around here - I've been getting ready to re-enter the world. My cocoon of disability is loosening its grip. First thing is getting the transportation taken care of - insurance, title, tune-up... Next, a job. I have a friend who likes to call employment a J.O.B. (Journey of the Broke), but she's never been forced out of that journey, bless her.

All in all, things are going okay. I still need to get my butt off the computer and make some call, take care of some business. This here was just a catch-up post. How the heck are you guys? Hope you are smiling.

Peace
-Free

*credit to whomever concerned for those brilliant images used