Sunday, February 15, 2009

Alone-ness

I thought that marriage was going to mean never feeling alone. You know - even at the worst of times, financial, emotional, worry, joy, tears, laughter - all that would be shared. I thought that being married meant having someone who understood you better than anyone had since you were a child & your mother could tell your mood just by glancing at you. I thought that I would feel somehow more complete.

I don't think I have ever felt more alone than since I got married.

When I was single, I never really felt alone. I guess because I realized I was single & didn't have the expectations of a married woman. I had friends and family and my writing - and that was all I counted on. But to count on another person only to be disappointed... I guess that's what the saying "You don't miss what you never had" means - except in my case it would be, "You don't miss what you never hoped for."

Now, these days, I often contemplate leaving my marriage so that I can be more fulfilled. Or at least have a reason for feeling lonely.

Wow.

But I am trying to hold on just a little bit longer. Mostly because I take my marriage vows so seriously, but partly because I am afraid of leaving just when things might actually get good & marriage might just become what I had hoped.

Isn't the mind a funny thing?

Peace
--Free

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