Friday, December 12, 2008

Going Through It

Lord, Jesus, help me.

What a month I've had. Who am I kidding - what a year I've had!

I hate to get on my pity pot, but your girl here has been through more crap than the Lord should put on someone.

The latest: after 6 months of marriage, I'm just about ready for a d-i-v-o-r-c-e. For real. And, trust me, I've given it my all. I have put up with stuff that I never thought I would. I have stuck with this man through nothing but thin. At what point do you say to yourself "Enough" and make up your mind to move on? After he's lied over and over? After he's promised not to lie and still lied? After disappointment's too many to count???

One of the reasons I've hung in so long is that I want to believe in real love. I really want to believe that if you love a person enough and stand by them through bad times that they will grow stronger. Well, that has not been the case in my situation.

I fell in love with a man who doesn't have anything in terms of material wealth. He's not the most handsome man. He's not any of the things that most women would look for. But I love him. Why? Because I think he really does have a good heart. The problem: he's weak. Too weak to face anything negative and make it better. Too weak to stand up to life and get through.

I still love him, but I can't depend on him for the emotional support that people in a relationship should share. I have to always be the "strong" one. I have to be the one to handle the problems and hardships because he will just fall apart under any kind of pressure. Well, guess what? I'm tired of being the strong one. I want to be able to lean on someone sometimes. I want to be able to know that I've got a partner who can take some of the pressure off us. I want to be the "traditional" woman.

Whew! Okay, I got that off my chest. I feel a little bit guilty about ranting so publicly, but, hey, this is MY forum to do what I want.

Who knows - maybe he will buckle down and get his act together in a few days and we will have a chance, but my patience is running soooooo thin right now. If things don't get better soon, you all are going to be seeing another post soon where I talk about what it's like to get on with life after major let-down...