Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Breathing Again

Six days since I left the hubby & I am learning to breathe deeply again.

When you see the worst side of someone you were in love with, it's such a shock that you block it out and go blind to the negatives. Then, when you do open your eyes and let yourself see... Well, all that ugliness just slams you. You see things so clear that it hurts to do so.

Some truths: The man I loved does not exist. That man was a facade. The real man came out when things didn't go his way. I can't have a relationship with a memory or a ghost & I want nothing to do with the real man. I fell in love with someone I remembered from 30 years ago. I don't even know if those memories were correct. I was blinded by past wishes and dreams.

Now I am learning to relax and see with clear eyes again.

Three years of something like sleepwalking through the days... It's a little overwhelming now that I am "free" and starting fresh.

In 2006, I posted about having found "new love" with an old boyfriend. These days I am writing (on paper) about all that has happened. It feels almost as if all this has happened to someone else, not me.

For now, I am in refuge with my fam. Just soaking up the love and comfort that only family can give when you've been battered by things going on in your life. Next month, it's all new beginnings: new town, new place to live, new people, new opportunities... Come January, it truly will be a "New Year" for me!

In the meantime, I am reconnecting with old friends on Facebook. People I had not heard from all the time I was in my dreamworld relationship. Now that I can talk to people without worrying about his jealousy and insecurity. Now that I can remember who I was before and why I enjoyed life so much.

Yesterday, I looked in the mirror as I was smiling about something and found myself looking at someone I hadn't seen for a while: an unguardged and truly happy me. (A little shaky and nervous about what's to come, but happy!) Last night I went to sleep without worrying about someone else's unresolved issues. I went to sleep looking forward to the future.

It's been a while.

But I am back.

I thank God for being with me on every road I've taken. I thank God for His promise to be with me on the roads ahead. I just thank Jesus for letting me have lived to see another day.