Monday, July 25, 2011

Defined the Problem

 (Just found this blog, which I want to point out has great links. Thanks to Sarcoidosis Experience)

While I was texting a friend, I hit on what the problem is with the medication I am on for this sarcoidosis. All this time that I have been trying to desparately make everyone understand, I couldn't grasp the right word. I've got it: Apathy. (And because this blog is really my only journal of this nightmare I am going through, I wanted to get this down here before I lose any sense of needing to write it.)

This friend of mine - who has been so good to me while I've been sick - texted to invite me to get out of the house this weekend. When I finally got the energy to answer her back, all I could do was be honest and say that I can't do anything until I get over this medically induced apathy.

What a relief to be able to find the word. I've been struggling to put meaning to the way I've been feeling from the moment I started on the prednisone. When I look up references to side effects, I'm not surprised to see that apathy, depression, mood changes - all of that comes up.

This is sheer hell, you guys. When you know what your natural personality is but you can't reach it... I don't know what it is to feel like laughing, talking, being or doing. And I know it's the medicine - which I know I have to keep taking for at least another few weeks.

When I do finish with this stuff, I am going to be so thankful for every emotion, good or bad. Right now, all I can do is be awake or be asleep. My one sort of joy is to sit in the sun and listen to the sounds of the neighborhood. I can't work or really function. I am just in a state of healing limbo.

If you want to even try to know what I feel like, take just one minute and try to make yourself feel numb and empty. Like your whole being is on novacaine. That's what I feel like. I can't find anything to distract myself from the nothingness. I can't write (which is a whole other kind of hell for me) or even lose myself in my imagination.

So, yeah - apathy has got to be the right word. Complete and total.