Saturday, November 24, 2012

Fashion To Die For

I went shopping a few weeks ago for shoes and boots. I have two pairs of boots that I can wear right now. Keep in mind that this is Alaska, it is winter, and I have Sarc. I have balance issues. Walking, I'm like that sad old chick leaving the club after that one drink too many. Yeah.

There was a time when I could walk downhill on an icy sidewalk in 4-inch heels and never even quit swinging my ass. I fucked around the other day and damn near broke my neck getting out of my nephew's truck. In flat-soled boots. Times, they have-a changed on me.

Anyway, like I was saying, I've been scouting some new footwear. It hasn't been going well. They don't just design shoes anymore - footwear these days is like art conceived by Satan's minions.

This is the standard heel type I saw in one store:


Cute shoe, but that's not a heel, it's a potential weapon - with me as the victim. Do you understand how many ways I could hurt myself just trying to stand still in that bitch?

This heel is more my speed.

Journee Collection Women's 'Robin-08' Round Toe Platform Pump

If I wanted to look like a schoolmarm with a side job doing the hoe-stroll.

Are you starting to see why I still only have two pairs of trotters?

On to the boots...

I really like this pair that I found online. Cute and I could walk my tail off in them.

BCBGeneration Women's Secret Black Boots

My injury was caused when I saw the $100+ tag. Unless they are going to be doing the laundry and dishes, these have no place in my home.


And that's just footwear. Obviously, the fashion revolution wasn't televised (or I forgot to set the DVR). When the hell did clothing become so complicated?

I guess finding cute rags was easier when I was rocking those sizes 4 through 8. I really like this grey sleeve dress, but if I wore this out in public now, I'd get arrested or blind somebody. There isn't a pair of Spanx made to help me out with this one.

I might have hit on something with this one:

Great colors; loose enough to disguise things that need to be. I just can't justify the $60. I can get something similar at Burlington's for $19.99. The only problem is, finding a decent boot.

You know? Screw it. I'm going to just go with something my big brother taught me a long time ago: bring the focus back to the best. That used to be my legs, but I think now I better go find some really good lipstick and figure out how to line my eyes without jabbing myself.

Oh snap. I just saw that dashikis have made a little comeback.

$14.99? It's about to get real up in my closet.