I had an interesting email conversation the other day with someone who was sweet enough to give me advice. He gave me great advice, and the best part of it will probably stay with me all the rest of my life. More on that in a sec.
My running for advice was like a hormonal scream of frustration. I will be 50 + 2 this June.
50-anything is a milestone but not devastating, really. I feel smarter, more beautiful (in the fullness of the word) and sexier than ever. But there are regrets that keep me wake some nights.
There is the almost-perfect relationship that I think I must have just imagined into being. There is the devastation of losing someone I really did love. And then there are the kids I didn't have and never will.
Age is a little bit harder on women. We get past the age of child-bearing. Men don't. We get past 40 and society starts telling us how great we look "for our age." If men get a little depressed at growing older, they should understand why we women feel damn near suicidal.
I was feeling really low a few weeks back. I was feeling like all my hopes and desires suddenly had expiration dates. Falling for someone I can grow old(er) with, having my life validated by the blessings I've secured... I told myself that if all this didn't happen pretty quick, it was going to be too late.
For about a month, I walked around trying to avoid being a witness to anyone else's joy. I don't like to covet or curse what someone else is blessed with, but it's so hard not to feel weary when you see anyone else with what you don't yet have. That's another symptom of aging: when you are young, you feel you have time to get yours; when you get older, every thing you don't yet have feels elusive.
The person I went to for advice is Christian. They are wise and direct and too full of love to lie to a brother or sister. The advice they gave me was perfect, but the part of what stuck with me was this: You aren't looking for love, you are looking to be rescued.
I should be looking for happiness as I am, then I might or might not find someone to share love with. The point is to understand my blessings as things stand.
So I am standing - right here where I am, with my life as it is - and praying and being thankful. If there is someone in this world meant for me, I ask God to bless them. If there is no one, that has to be okay with me too.
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