Soothing My Emotions

 Nobody warned me about my feelings and emotions catching menopausal moments. Plenty of women warned me about hot flashes and night sweats. I was well-informed about mood swings. But mood swings are different from emotional bruising. Trust me, I am learning that now.

I am well past menopause. Mostly. I've gotten past the hot flashes and night sweats and I haven't just suddenly felt like committing the murder of innocent bystanders because of hormonal fluctuation. 

However...

My emotional swings in the past few years have been directed more inward. I can wake up feeling normal (you know, cranky without my coffee and ready for my days of the general craziness that is my life) and then, suddenly, without warning, I can feel so unloved and life-failing and bleak. For no reason. That is not a mood swing. That is a soul burp or an emotional crisis.

These random bruisings don't happen often. If they did, I might be used to them and better prepared to swim through. Nope. These nasty things creep up behind me and slap the back of my heart about once every maybe 6 to 8 months. Weird, right?

I swear, I sometimes feel like all life after 50 is one eternal crisis of self-examination. And I never pass when I get in a certain mindset.

So it was about 3 days ago that I had the latest attack of... whatever this weird sadness and soul-pain is called. I wasn't sick because I skipped my weekly injection. (It's rainy and cold and gray and I don't want to be med sick in this weather.) Because I was feeling fairly decent and my brain was in a good mood, I was cleaning and putting out laundry to do and making a grocery list for a rare actual trip to the store (instead of delivery). The rain broke for a moment and I was able to take out the garbage and scrub the kitchen floor. It was a great day. Glorious if you ignored the weather. And then, I just... I suddenly started thinking too much about the wrong things.

When I get in these - let's call them mental conniption fits - I immediately lose all energy and joy.

This sad state of - whatever - stayed with me for a full day and a half. I was tired but didn't want to sleep. I thought I might be hungry but didn't want to eat anything. I tried to read the Bible but just didn't have the strength. And then I even started having a moment of wondering why God doesn't love me. (Maybe I should have spent the past several days reading the Book of Job as part of my yearly reading plan?)

This morning, the fit finally broke. It left as fast as it came on. I woke up and make coffee and stripped the bed (because I never got around to all my laundry before) and was thinking about when I would do my morning Bible reading session and... I realized that I was not feeling like I had been during the downpour of sadness. Yeah. It was just like that.

I tell you what, I am so glad that I finished reading Job. I don't know if that had anything to do with it but maybe? Reading about Job's trials and sadness (no one expresses sadness like Job does!) made me think so much of my late sister and all she went through.

Anyway, I am better today. I am taking a break from housework and getting ready to eat something because I am really hungry now. Tonight, I will do more Bible reading (thank goodness Job is finished and I hope it's not wrong to say that) and then I will sit in the living room for a while with my fake fireplace.

Let me tell you about my "fireplace"!

Laugh if you want, you snobs, but I love this. I can turn off all the lights and turn up the sound to hear the crackling of the "fire" and almost feel warmer. I'm not for watching TV but I am so into this.

If you want a YouTube fire, the one I use is 10 hours long and is found here. I get my comfort where I can find it.

Peace

--Free