This Joy I Have

It's going to get a little bit preachy...

It has dawned on me that my personal posts tend to be more about the lowlights of my life - sadness, depression, or despair. Of course, we all suffer at least occasionally from those things. You've heard quite a bit about my struggles but what you don't hear as much about is my joy.

When I was young, I loved when the church would break out singing these words:

"This joy I have, the world didn't give it to me. The world didn't give to me and the world can't take it away."

That's so powerful. Back then, my mother understood the joy she had, but I was just singing along because I liked the song. Once I hit some of life's speed bumps, I was able to totally relate to the song. The song speaks not only of the joy but of the peace and the love that the world can't take away.

In spite of any troubles life throws at me - and the ones I sometimes cause for myself - I have never lost my joy. There have been times when it was dimmed a little under the weight of depression or health problems. Dimmed but never ever extinguished.

I can remember a time when I was in Texas, away from my friends and family. I spent a few hours just laying on the floor in the dark and feeling like I just didn't deserve to live. I kept remembering all the wrong choices I had made to get me to that point and I felt so stupid and ashamed and unworthy. To be honest, I can't remember now how I got past that moment. I have many blank spots of that period in my life. But I did, obviously, get past it.

Today, I still have lots and lots of things to worry and stress about. I am going to be seeing another doctor this week and I am hoping he doesn't tell me anything bad. I have a countertop full of bills that I am struggling to catch up on. But I also have my joy.

There are times when I realize just how blessed I am that I have to stop whatever I am doing and just thank the Lord. That's a joy that can't be measured or studied or dissected or shrugged away.

For anyone out there who might be scoffing at my belief in Christ, let me remind you of something I think people forget or ignore. Even if you don't serve God, you serve a god of something. Maybe yours is a god of self-sufficiency or of money or hate. Maybe you serve a god of self. Some people serve a god of disbelieving or willful ignorance. Maybe you serve a god of nothing. You do have a belief and you do make choices about that belief. My belief gives me eternal hope and joy. What does yours give you?

When you hit rock bottom, where do you turn? What brings you back up? I truly am curious about what holds people together when they don't believe that there is a Creator who loves them.

My joy is so beautiful because it doesn't rely on my health, wealth, well-being, safety, or life. As a matter of fact, part of my joy is based on the fact that the loss or all those things are so minor in the end. There are a couple of more verses I remind myself of when I get tired of this fight"

And fear not them that kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul; but rather fear Him that is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. (Matthew 10:28)

And

Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. (Matthew 6:19-21

I have a sister in law who, when super-stressed, once joked that her treasures better be in heaven because they sure weren't here on earth! I love that. We don't always look like it, but the joy is there, underneath everything else.

So I just wanted to share that with you. If you are tired in your soul and heart, if you just need rest and comfort, try the Lord.

Peace
--Free

I know the Master of the wind.

I know the Maker of the rain.

This joy I have.

(Just picture churches all over the world

with different races, singing this)

All Up In My Head

I've run through most of my stashed posts so I figured it was time to slide back into real-time mode. It's been a minute since I've felt clear enough (well, mostly) to write about anything real. For the past couple of weeks, I've been living all up in my own head. 

I just realized that I used "I" 4 times up there. Yeah, so that's the mood I am in lately so if you are still reading, you're going to have to deal with it. Also, I might ramble in this post and slide all over the place. It's that kind of day.

Some more warnings: this is going to get weird, it's going to get religious, and it's going to get sad. You might want to leave now.

So.

The world around me is not as bright and beautiful as I wish. People, politics, the whole tide of society - it just feels very weird right now. We've got a vigilante president who I hate to discuss because the mention of his name either makes people way too defensive or way too angry.

America should just be such a much better place. Those of us here, in the better and more blessed part of society, should be working harder to lift up those who are not as blessed. But we're not. We are like pigs gorging ourselves with food and sex and luxuries while the starving and oppressed watch and wait for us to notice that they are there. And we are still having to spend too much time talking about race and equality and humane treatment of others, especially the children. I can't even think too hard about the way we are treating (or mistreating) the babies right now because it makes me dizzy with grief.

Yeah, folks, this is what I mean about being in my head right now. It's like wandering around in some kind of enchanted land of What the Hell?

Things don't change enough

When I was laid up last week for my regular session of being laid the hell up, I tried watching some of the TV shows I've heard so much about. I watched a few episodes of "The Musketeers", then spent way too much time on "Spartacus". Way too much. Have you seen this show? I don't know what fascinated me more - the soft-core porn or the way-too-graphic violence. In one of the fight scenes, a guy lost an eyeball. An EYEBALL, people. It popped right out in extreme detail. I was making sure to look away or fast-forward through most of the gorier scenes but was too late to miss that one. What I don't understand is, why so much attention to the gore? It was as if, since they couldn't get more graphic with the sex - which got pretty graphic - they went all out on the blood and guts. Just nasty. Extremely nasty.

I learned nothing from that bout of TV intoxication but I was reminded that we keep living in a cycle of sex, power, and suffering. Society always consists of Insiders and Outsiders, Elite and Underdog, First World and Third World, 'Master' and 'Slave'.

What's that saying about those not learning history being doomed to repeat it? Apparently, we never learn - or we just ignore the lessons. Look around at the repeat of madness we live in right now. The Bible says:

The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun. (Ecclesiastes 1:9)

The critical commentary (Holden) on that verse just highlights the misery we create for ourselves:

Rather, "no new thing at all"; as in Numbers 11:6 . This is not meant in a general sense; but there is no new source of happiness (the subject in question) which can be devised; the same round of petty pleasures, cares, business, study, wars, &c., being repeated over and over again [HOLDEN].

How depressing is that?

Anyway, (speaking of depressing) I have a birthday looming and zooming toward me like a bullet train!  I was thinking that if making birthday wishes worked, I have a list. I wouldn't wish for world peace and all the usual jazz; I'd wish that we could learn from history. I'd wish that we all wanted something better for everyone. I'd wish that we could, just for a day, look around and really see where we are going wrong. But would that be best?

One of my sisters-in-law said something interesting not long ago. We were talking about all the misery and struggle so many people live in. We groused about the state of turmoil in politics and religion and so on and so forth. I said something about wishing it could all just be better. My SIL said that she didn't. That stopped me cold until she explained.

To paraphrase my SIL, this world isn't going to get better. For those of us who believe the Bible (and we both do), we are taught that things get progressively worse. Ultimately, there will be an end game battle. And since, as Christians, we know the outcome, we should be looking forward to it.

That makes sense to me because we are too far removed from Eden to remember what Paradise was like. I don't want to get used to the world we now live in. I want to get acquainted with the better life we've been promised.

Sorry. I didn't mean to go dark so fast there. That's what happens when I'm blogging and let my coffee cup get empty! Time for a refill.

Okay, I'm back and re-caffed.

All the travels through my mind haven't been so dreary. Once I stopped getting drunk on "Spartacus" and "The Musketeers" I went in a more uplifting direction.  As a matter of fact, I went in a direction I usually avoid: toward math. Ugh. Yeah.

We all used so much math back when I worked in import brokerage that it amazes former co-workers that I now can't even deal with the basics. Just looking at too many numbers at once makes my brain hurt. Thanks, sarc. But, I made it through the first few minutes of this video to get to the beautiful part about fractals.

Dr. Lisle is one of my favorite "teachers"  along with Dr. Ross - though the two Christian physicists don't always agree in their viewpoints. I don't always agree with these guys, but I am grateful for their intelligence and ability to share it with laymen. Although I provided links to the book pages of Lisle and Ross, that wasn't to plug their work. I just like linking to scientists who happen to share my faith. What I do want to plug is the Bible Tools page (also the Tecarta Bible app) that I use all the time.

And since I am still on the topic of my faith, I have to add this short video that deals with the question of where God came from. Ken Ham is not a favorite personality of mine for a few reasons, but his answer here lifts my heart every time I hear it. And, believe it or not, we Christians sometimes need to be reminded. (I need to be reminded of lots of things. Which is why I deeply regret writing this post.) I read something that clarified the negative impact of using bad language - even in humor. I am working on that area of my life.

Well. now wasn't this a fun post? I did warn you.

Anyway. I have detoxed from the blood and gore of TV shows and feel that I'm back on solid mental footing. I have spent enough time in my head for now. This week I am deep-cleaning the apartment. That's not because I enjoy deep-cleaning. What happened is I have misplaced my Echo pen and once I started looking for it, I dumped drawers and emptied closets that I have to now clean up. What better reason to really clean?

Now I have to get back to my cleaning because I need to get out of my head for a while. Here's hoping everyone has a good upcoming week. (And, yep, I probably will have to come back and do some editing...)

Peace
--Free

I have always loved this song for so many reasons. RIP Donny.

I love the version done by H.E.R. but it's part of a longer video that I.may have already posted.

Let me tell you, baby girl sang the hell out of this song. 

That Illuminati Thing

I haven't posted on many social topics lately, but because of my love for music, I wanted to talk about this subject.

I'm always hearing about how the Illuminati is controlling the music business. Some of the talk makes sense and comes from people who spread their message with a loving heart. In some cases, the messenger's own hate makes it hard to hear any truth they might be speaking. (And I do believe there is some truth in there.) Sometimes, I run across things that I find interesting but confusing. I save those to look at later...

I do believe that for every good thing God gave us, Satan (the Devil, Lucifer, whatever you call him) has found a way to pervert it. And, honestly, I do know that many people will do anything for money, recognition, fame (infamy), etc. 

Sometimes, we find it hard to believe other people are capable of doing the things that we aren't capable of. Just read the news and you will lose your doubts on that one. (I read a story the other day about a man murdering a mother first, then killing her toddler. The report said that, at the time, the child was crying and clinging onto the killer's leg out of fear and confusion.) 

While some prefer to laugh off ideas of God (and Satan), that may be the biggest part of the battle. Charles Baudelaire said that "the finest trick of the devil is to persuade you that he does not exist". (It sounded cooler when Verbal Kint said it in "The Usual Suspects".)

Right this moment, there are a lot of you thinking that I sound like a big bag of crazy (thank you, Dr. Cox) just for believing in God and believing that Satan exists. I don't really care. Being "crazy" is safer than succumbing to bullies or peer-pressure. #believethat

Maybe too much is being read into it when we see images like this:

Why? Just...why? (source)

It does sound a little crazy to think that people are taking oaths to something (or someone) dark and evil in exchange for material wealth. It sounds crazy, but I've got to wonder when I see people who supposedly did (or did not) admit to this deal. I've seen the videos of  Katy Perry, in and out of sync; Bob Dylan, either joking or not, though I can't imagine joking about such a thing; and I've heard about Robert Johnson (the "father" of rock and roll). 

In the comments section of one of those videos, someone mentions that the artist might be speaking metaphorically. Maybe so. I myself won't even joke or speak in any way about selling my soul. One commenter wondered why anyone would care about someone else and their soul. I don't know about them, but I care the same way I wouldn't want to stand and just watch someone throw themselves off a tall building. But that's just me.

Sometimes, I think that people are just afraid to believe in anyone (or One) other than themselves. Does it matter that you'd rather not believe that fire is hot and water is wet?

Peace

--Free

If There Is No God

There were a couple of posts on G+ earlier today about God. About whether He is or is not "real," and what people think about Him. I was very general in my own declaration of faith. This post is my more specific statement.

For the record, I believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

A friend (who does not believe in God, by the way) once asked me if I'd live my life differently if I knew there was no God. At the time, I hemmed and hawed and ended up giving the non-answer of, "But there is a God so your question makes no sense." This is what I wished I'd said:

Because I know there is a God, I try to live my life with kindness and compassion. I try to forgive and love and see past people's faults. I won't commit adultery with someone else's spouse or be unfaithful in any way to a spouse of mine. I won't kill or set out to hurt anyone. I try hard not to lie or steal or cheat or be deceitful in any way. I try to treat other people the way I want to be treated. I try, I try and I try. As flawed as I am, I try to be better.

I try to live in the best way I know how because I know there is a God. If there were no God and I died today, I wouldn't regret living my life the way I have. But, because there is a God, I'm forgiven for everything I've tried and failed at.

(For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwells no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not Romans 7:18)

I wish I had asked my friend if he would live his life differently if he believed in God.

I would have posed to him this: If there is no God, there is no "good." If there is no good, there is no "evil." If there is no good and evil, there is no right and wrong. If there is no right and wrong, what is the point?

I'm no Bible scholar so I don't get into deep arguments about my Christianity, but my faith is not based  on feelings. My faith is based on logic and on proof of what God has done in my life. I was raised in the Pentecostal church, but I was not always a Christian. I am now a non-denominational Christian - reading the Bible for myself. When I attend church, it is for the fellowship and prayer, but I don't "follow" any minister or religious teacher.

That is all I have to say about my belief in God. If you don't believe in God, that is your choice, but I still love and respect you as a fellow human being.

Peace
--Free

Hibernatintg and Healing

Some sweet folks over at G+ made me smile hard with a video the other day. (Thank you, Mr & Mrs H.) I guess I have dropped out of site in a way.

Every now and then, I need to stop, drop and roll. Roll into myself, that is.

I tend to be a bit manic. My thoughts run at warp speed and my emotions cycle even faster. When I was in my early twenties, my mother would worry about me. At the end of a bad day at work, she'd ask, "Does you body hum when you lay it down at night?"

Yes, sometimes it does. For the past couple of weeks, it has. When I get like this, I live up to my birth sign and go all crab-like. In the past, I've totally withdrawn from people and situations. That strategy has caused me a lot of heartache, so I had to learn to be wiser with it.

In my maturity, I withdraw, but I do it with a lot of thought and a purpose - and, most important, I don't succumb to it. I think of it as hibernating to heal. When I need healing, I turn to either family or God. Family is all right for surface wounds, but for the hurting that goes all through me, I need God.

This time I need God.

I am listening to * and reading one of my favorite Psalms. I'm staying very still and quiet, trying not to break into a useless mess of tears and despair. God is the only One who is going to hold me together.

Thanks to +J.D. Hughes +Marla Hughes and +Sandy Sandmeyer  +Julia Hawkins for their love.

Peace
--Free

* I don't know if the Christian Post knows what a blessing that entire resource is.