Breakthrough and Breakdowns

Last night, I had a stunning breakthrough in understanding myself. Stunning, scary, wonderful, liberating, and all those things. I feel so relieved and so sad at the same time.

For years, I thought that the way I am is just part of my unique personality and I wondered why I never met anyone who seemed to ever feel the way I do. This is why the breakthrough I've had feels like such a relief.

I've made choices in dealing with serious things that have caused a lot of regret and confusion. Possibly knowing why is what makes me sad. Why did I never find this out before? How different all my life could have been had I known.


My "breakthrough" came from learning about something that's called Depersonalization and/or Derealization.

Because I spend so much time inside my head, trying to figure myself out, I finally decided to look up reasons for the way I think and feel. I ran across a forum where someone was asking the same question I was: "Why do I have such a constant feeling of surreality?" There are apparently a lot of people who wonder the same thing.

Now that I have some idea that this inner personality of mine is not unique to me, I have to figure out what to do about it. For the time being though, I just need to wrap my head around what it all means.

Once I learned about "DP/DR" (and I believe that Derealization is my main problem), the first thing I did was cry for about an hour. Then I spent most of the night having flashbacks of my life. So many things have been screwed up because of the way I have handled things. At the time I was making certain choices, I didn't even understand why but I'd sometimes look back and wonder what the hell was I thinking. There are major regrets from some of those choices.

most of my life feels like this - unclear or misdefined

I don't know when I started having these feelings, but I do know that without God, I would not have been able to deal with the constant regrets and consequences caused by them. Still, I can't help but think that it took me until middle age to know about this. So much wasted time! I was thinking last night that this is probably why I write stories to make myself seem more real to the world. I think that when I write I'm trying to live the life I can't grasp any other way. I'm still trying to deal with learning about the DP/DR so I'm probably not making much sense right now.

It's not easy for me to put myself out there (and I'm going to hurry and post this before I change my mind), but I don't want anyone else to not know about this. There may be someone out there, like me, who never heard of this and so have been wasting precious time from their life just wandering through thinking that they are alone.

I guess I will have to find the courage to talk with my doctors about this. Just knowing about it myself is almost too much to handle and, ironically, seem to be creating even more of a surreal feeling.

Here are some references I have found, in case you want to understand what I'm talking about:

• Where I first heard of this
• Apparently, it's not a rare thing
• Merck 
• Mayo

My (New) Life Adjustment

Living with a disability is challenging in ways other people understand and in ways they don't. Living with an invisible disability has its own special challenges. I like a challenge. Most times.

I have learned various "workarounds" to deal with my cognitive and physical problems. As a matter of fact, I don't even like calling my issues "problems" Let's just call them challenges.

My physical challenges are easier to deal with. I know what I can and can no longer do. The new twist to this is that I have recently relocated to another state and will, for the first time in almost 8 years, be living on my own. When I lived in a household with a roommate or family, I had a lot more support for daily living obstacles that I never really thought much about. Now that I am looking for an apartment here in my new town, I am forced to consider a variety of challenges from new angles.

Getting out and around is going to work differently. When I was living in Anchorage, I knew the streets and basic locations of my personal "landmarks". Because my brain seems to work strangely, there were times when even driving to the most familiar of places (think Walmart on the other side of town) required orienting myself before starting the trip. On a good day, this only required plotting out the route in my head (Get on Old Seward, head towards the church, turn left onto Lake Otis, head down Tudor., etc.) and along the way, I'd make sure to keep track of where I was so I didn't get off route (going past my doctor's office meant I'd missed my turn onto Tudor). On a great day, I didn't miss any turns and have to re-route myself.

Other people are able to use their Google Maps navigation. I can do that too except I might have to pull over to pay attention to the directions because it's hard for me to listen to the instructions while actually driving. Crazy, I know. It's also a little embarrassing. So I find it easier to "self-plot" routes.

Also, I could understand North from South and East from West. Of course. I'd lived in Anchorage for most of my adult life.

Now that I am here in my new town (thankfully a very small town!), I am staying with family while I wait for my application to go through on an apartment. My brother and sister and law have told me that I am more than welcome to use their vehicle anytime I want. I've told them they might want to reconsider that offer. If you think it's embarrassing losing my way in a town I spent over 50 years in, just imagine getting lost in a tiny spot where nothing is more than 5 minutes away from anything else.

Out of my price range for 3 lifetimes!

Yesterday while riding around with my nephew (who has a learner's permit and must be accompanied by a licensed driver), he realized that he had a band practice. He wanted to know if I could drop him off at his school and make my way home okay.

Uh... Probably not. Not only was I still recovering from a weekly medication, but I was just a little bit lost. I had a vague idea of which direction home was, but I wasn't completely sure. So we ended up going home and getting my other nephew (also in possession of only a learner's permit) to do the drop-off.

I can't describe how frustrating this all is. Pre-Slip, I would have been able to make my way around this town on the first day here. Knowing where I was wouldn't matter because I'd have been able to reason out the directions by following a grid or just finding my way back to the street my family lives on. I no longer have that ability or confidence. I've got memories of once getting lost and having a mild panic/anxiety attack while on my way to a doctors appointment. The same doctor in the same location I've been going to for years!

So.

This is where I want to live
Not exciting, but location is everything

I've decided that I probably will not own a car again until I get better. The apartment that I am applying to live in is income restricted and for seniors only. It's situated beautifully in the most convenient downtown location - close to shopping, banking, and leisure. Thank Jesus and please pray that I get in. Half my stress about living solo will be erased if I can get a spot in that building. I won't have to depend on having a car to do most of my necessary business and it will be hard to get lost if I leave my apartment.

Should I have to move into my second or third choice of an apartment, I will be out of walking distance to grocery stores and my bank. That means I will need to rely on family or the special transportation provided for people like myself. Or that I will have to get a car.

Managing daily living is going to also be easier should I get the apartment I prefer. Because shopping is closer, I will be able to get groceries and other necessities at my own pace. Being able to buy as I need things (versus stocking up) will be easier on my budget. The biggest plus is that I will be getting regular exercise in small, daily doses. Even when my balance is off, I can manage short distances. Back in Anchorage, there was no need even thinking about walking to the grocery store - too far away and the route isn't pedestrian-friendly - and the closest convenience store is too pricey. Here, there is a discount grocery literally around the corner from where the apartment is. The bank I joined is directly across the street, there is a Woolworth-type mercantile a block away, and I the streets are very pedestrian-friendly - even for the elderly and physically challenged. There's even a library and church within walking distance.

Praying, dealing with it all, and just living are my immediate goals. Yes, I am out of my routine of many years, but I want to focus on getting healthy and whole again. I want to enjoy this journey - no matter how rocky and precarious it can sometimes be. All that means is that I have to be life-adjustment ready. I am. With God's help, I truly am.

Peace
--Free

The Devil Is a Liar (Part 2)

Old folks used to be wise folks. These days, old folks are those silly young folk I grew up with. In today's world, we have too much political correctness and not enough wisdom. That makes it easier for the Devil to tell his lies. I'm about to tell the truth about some of those lies. Let's look at some of the serious lies:

• Not everyone who disagrees with you is a racist. They have their opinion and you have yours. The Devil would like to keep the two of you from having a civil conversation because you just might end up respecting one another.
• Being free and over 21 does not give you permission to be an idiot, despite what the Devil says. Being free and over 21 gives you the responsibility to act your age and be an example to your children.
• Black lives do matter. White lives matter and no one in their right mind ever said differently. Red lives matter, Yel- Wait. Maybe our biggest problem is that we have to talk about the color of the lives that matter. The Devil likes to keep some facts out of the conversation. For instance, why aren't we working toward a day when we only have to worry about life and not the color?
• Don't let the Devil tell you that you can dress like a punk and act like a punk, then be mad when you are treated like a punk. If someone sees you wearing a Klan hood,, they'll think you're part of the Klan. If you walk around trying hard to look "hard", then people will think you are trouble to be avoided. The Devil never makes you think about any of this. Trust me, though, if the Devil tells you to walk into a bank dressed like a robber, make sure he agrees to pay your bail when you get arrested.
• Being good-looking does not give you the right to be rude. Being rich doesn't give you that right. Being old or disabled doesn't give you that right. The only right you should care about is the right to be a decent human being. 
• Being a bully - online and in real life - doesn't hide your own problems. The Devil is the biggest bully there is. You might not want to take his advice about how to treat people who are weaker, kinder, different or just more civilized than you are. 

The Devil doesn't just get into our heads about the serious stuff. He loves to help us make asses of ourselves.

• Dear Walmart shoppers: Do not dress as if you have membership in the place. You are not the only ones out there when it comes to public displays of "I don't give a damn", but you are becoming the poster people of that syndrome. The Devil who told you not to be worried about what other people think of you? Well, he's got a point, but you should still care what you think of yourselves.
• Dear Broke people: You are impressing anyone with your Fucci purses and Folex watches. We see you in the layaway line just in front of us. The Devil is trying to make you think that you can fantasize your way out of poverty. You can't. You can work your way out, you can dream and motivate your way out. You can even save your way out of poverty, but not as long as you're spending money on designer bags that you keep in the closet of your rental home.
• Dear good looking guy (or gal): Yes, you were really hot-looking when I first saw you. Then I smelled your nasty ego. I got a second glance at your low self-esteem when you were looking down your nose at everyone around you. The Devil gave you good looks, but he didn't teach you that the world will see you through their own eyes, You're not looking good enough to cover up the ugly of your ways.
• Dear Selfie Nation: Posting photos of your loving relationships with friends and family is not a substitute for actually showing love to your friends and family. The Devil may have told you how cute you and your mate look in all those couple selfies. He may have told you that taking cute photos with your kids can substitute actually spending time with them. Or that posting hearts and flowers in honor of the dead substitutes honoring their memory with your actions. Don't know if he told you that you aren't fooling those of us who know you in real life. 

The Devil wants us to imagine him as a little red imp with horns and a pitchfork. He doesn't want us to see him reflected in our own behavior. The Devil is hidden in our own cruelty, arrogance, selfishness, and willingness to always put ourselves ahead of someone else.

I think one of the biggest lies the Devil tells good people is that we are not good people and that we are not of value to anyone else. To the people living in fear and ignorance of decency, the Devil probably tries to convince them that they are more valuable than others.

The bottom line is, the Devil doesn't want you to be happy unless it's at the expense of someone else's happiness. The Devil is a liar and we all have to be smart enough not to fall for his deceit. 

The Devil is a liar, but he sometimes to use our tongues to speak. Silence him every chance you get.

Peace

--Free

The Spirit of Christmas and Christians

My aunt and I were talking the other day and she mentioned that she does not give out Christmas gifts. In her opinion, Christmas is just one day, meant to mark the birth of Christ - not to shop and indulge each other with presents.

I have a friend with that same opinion. All through the year, she gives money and presents to her loved ones when she thinks they need something or when she just wants to convey her affection for them.

I am a Christmas shopper. I'm also on a super tight budget so this year I started my shopping way back in October. I stockpiled Christmas gifts by hunting down sales and other deals. I managed to stay within budget, plus I already have everything wrapped and ready for Christmas morning. And I've already got the bills paid down. (Okay, there is one exception to the ready gifts, but that's all on Ulta and their slow processing!)

Ever since the conversation with my aunt, I've been questioning my motivation in gift-giving. Why do I wait until Christmas (or birthdays) to do something special for people I care about? Why wait? Am I trying to fit in with consumer tradition?

I've decided that for the future, I'm giving up this kind of silly consumerism. From now on, I'm going to go with my heart. I think my friend has the right idea about giving to and blessing others. Christmas, birthdays, Valentine's Day, etc. are not the only days that people need to feel thought of. There are many times when I have gotten a nice card from my best friend, or some little gift, just because she knew I was in need of the extra attention. I want to be more like her. I want to be more alert to the moods and feelings of the people in my life.

So, I thought about all of this and then I thought of how it ties in with my motivations as a Christian.

I'm that Christian that doesn't attend church every time the doors are opened. I'm the Christian who sometimes isn't always very nice or patient or forgiving or... perfect. I'm a Christian who is truly saved by mercy and not by my works. And it's not that I don't want to be a better Christian. It's just that I am trying to be a more authentic person.

                              

I know Christians who appear more Christ-like than I do. They are always in church, or they carry their Bibles everywhere. I know a couple of Christians who talked their faith all over their day jobs, but when it came time for them to be decent people in real-life situations, they were no better than the worst person on the street.

I guess I am making an early resolution. From now on, I am going to carry the spirit of Christmas and Christ with me in my daily life. I won't wait for a special occasion to give gifts or to be Christlike in my actions.

If I hadn't talked with my aunt, I might never have gone down this path of self-examination. Thank goodness that I have friends and loved ones who set such great examples for the rest of us.

Peace
--Free

A Visual Journey *UPDATE*

I went through and found more old (and some hilarious) photos. These are mainly for my fam.

That's me & my Mama, Miss Tootsie.
Don't remember who the baby is.

That's me being so "fast" & grown. With my hand on my back, as
my mother would say. Some of the other kids are the Rouzans. Still friends today.

That's my big brother, Chuck, looking like a black member of  Duran Duran.
So handsome & still is.
Me in background. And I still tag around him when I can!

Me with my little brother, Darrell & his dog, Scott.
He loved that dog.

My daddy. I'm the female "George".

I was talking with a good friend the other day. We are both making a lot of life changes and shooting for big futures - yes, even at my 55 and her 57 years. She said something interesting about how different everyone's life journey can be. Ours have certainly not followed normal paths!

So, I'm looking back on my years that ask questions and years that answer. The only thing any of them have in common are their echoes.

I've been up, I've been down. I've flown First Class, Coach, and Standby. My world has been full to bursting with joy, then plunged into a darkness close to Hell. I've been healthy, fine, arrogant, beautiful, desired and too full of myself. I've been broken and abused and discarded and forsaken and forgotten and vilified and sick unto death. I've had friends and enemies and people who simply never noticed.

I am blessed because I've lived a life and, God willing, I will make the most of the years I have left.

Peace
--Free

Writing, Anxiety & Inspiration from Odd Sources

Just an update for +Marla Hughes , +Susan Lewis , +Ben Johnson and the others who have been so encouraging about my writing - and who are all getting free and signed copies if I ever publish. (Hey, Ben, I haven't started the story "The Girl in the Video" that I accidentally posted that day!)

The writing project is going well. I haven't posted any more stories on The Millenium Chronicles because I am adding all my new material to the short story collection that I'm working on.

Today I have been crazy with anxiety. The writing is going as well as I just said (or even better), but just thinking of all that it takes to self-publish is driving me batty.

That dang cover!!!

I'm really stressing over all how to and what-if parts of the situation.For some reason, I am fixating on what kind of cover I would like.

How to format for uploading, design a cover, etc. What if I chose the wrong publishing arena? What if everyone hates what I've written?

I've decided that I am bi-polar when it comes to my creative side. There are the amazing highs when I hit my groove with a character or plotline, then there is that stomach-churning drop when I think I only think I sound coherent in my work.


More than ever, I am learning why writing is so lonely. I suppose that writing is meant to be a lonely business (though I have plenty of company from the people and ideas in my head), and the solitude is so necessary for me. Still...

Here's one crazy thing about writers (or maybe just about me as a writer): Because feelings are fuel for my stories, I relish things that hurt and irritate me. On the one hand, it sucks when people annoy me or even go out of their way to otherwise chafe me. On the other hand... All that pain and irritiation and stuff is like old, dry wood on the fire. If the fire is my writing. LOL

At any rate, this post was just to let my 3 supporters (hahaha) know how things are going and why you aren't seeing any new stuff online. Yet.

For the people who feed my writing fires, I leave you this:


(You probably already have... But I will love you for being an inspiration.)

Peace
--Free

Blogging the Travel (Leaving ANC for DFW)

I want to blog this little getaway of mine for a couple of reasons. The main one is that I'm hoping to clear my head and jumpstart my plans for the future. I've been extremely frustrated with this because I think that my situation is so misunderstood. I'll talk more about that later.

One of the reasons I have had so much anxiety about traveling is my problems with memory. For days before leaving Anchorage, I had night (and day) mares about wandering around lost in some strange airport. I'm serious.

I have made it to Dallas safely and I even mangaged to enjoy some of the travel here. I met a few really nice people and all the crew and staff of Delta was more than pleasant.

Alaska was freezing on the morning I was leaving. Nothing like last year's "non-winter" winter! The day before I left, I had 2 appointments - one early morning and one later in the afternoon. I was totally stressed out by the 2 mile drive to the first appointment just because of the icy roads and maniac drivers... I had to cancel the afternoon appointment that was clear across town. My nerves just couldn't take that.

Since I was to travel from Anchorage to Dallas, I decided to layer clothing for the plane ride.

I started with jeans, boots and a sweater over a shirt.

Went out to my car to get a phone charger and almost passed out from the wind that blew up the back of my jacket, so I added a vest!

Then, because my shirt was kind of heavy, I changed to a lighter one. Much better.

When I took this photo of myself, I stood in the mirror for another few minutes, having a random panic attack. I seriously thought about postponing my trip for a few more days. It went through my mind that I could just crawl into bed and hibernate in the dark until I had more energy. Then I went and sat in the garage and had a good cry. This is what my moods have been like for several weeks.

Everyone in the house is sleeping while I am praying and trying to get my anxiety under control. Just before I have to go and wake my niece to drive me to the airport, I check the weather. This is what Anchorage looks like:

And this is what Dallas weather was doing:

 That was motivation.

Ever since my memory and confidence got so bad, I found workarounds to help make life easier. When I drive, even around my own town, I use Google Maps. Sometimes, I have no trouble, but there are times when I can get mixed up on the way to or from a familiar place. This gets worse, depending on my stress levels. Traveling alone is extremely stressful for me, so I do a couple of things that I will share in case someone else needs to know:

Always download the app for whichever airline you are using.

I've used Delta and either United or American. I like American's app better, but Delta's was bearable. You can "check in" and even pay for your baggage before you get to the airport.

When you do a mobile check-in, you also get to bypass some of the hassles of going through aiprot security. At least you don't have to remove your shoes. That's worth it right there.

Your boarding pass will be electronic/mobile. There's no extra piece of paper to keep track of. Best of all for the nervous type like me, I can refer constantly to my travel information: flight times, gate changes, layover times, etcetera. It just feels so good to have everything right there on the phone.

Limit what you carry around.

I keep only the very essential things on my person, and any carry-on is something I can attach to myself. I use a backpack and a very small messenger type purse. This way I'm less apt to leave something behind in an airport or on a plane. I have a good attachment clip on my phone so that it's always hooked onto my clothing or one of my carry-ons. On one of the flights, someone turned in a passport they found on the floor under the seat in front of them. A passport! 

Put snacks in your carry-on

I always do a Walmart run and grab some granola bars. Thank goodness I remembered this time. For one thing, I had such short layovers that there was no time to get decent food at the airport. For another thing, I couldn't afford the food that was available. (One snack bar offered a tuna sandwhich with lettuce and some condiment packages for a mere $8.00. I'm not kidding.) I did fork out about $7.00 for a muffin and some juice at one point. I could have bought pack of six bigger and better muffins at Costco for that price. #ripoff)

Use the bathroom at every layover.

Even if you don't have to go. You probably will anyway. It gives you the chance to freshen up and check your purse in privacy. I usually rinse out my mouth and puff some baby powder under my clothes. No need not to smell somewhat fresh while sitting next to strangers in the close quarters of an airplane, right?

This wasn't a bad trip. I was so tired anyway. And I had great seatmates all the way. One of them was super-sweet and I sure wish neither of us had been so shy. Makes me want to go to Denver and look for him!

I woke up long enough to get some photos of wherever we happened to be flying over. Can't sort them out now...



I'm SO glad that I layered my clothing. The planes were always chilly so I could keep on my jacket at least, and I used my vest for a pillow at one point. When I got into Dallas, it was muggy but my niece was there to get me so...

I've got to say how proud I am of +Gabrielle B . She navigates this city like nobody's business. I just admire her for her independent spirit. It also makes me feel a little weak and silly. There was a time when I traveled the States to writers' camps and conferences, and even went solo to England before I was out of my teens. I was always so confident and adventurous. Last night, as we left the airport, found a Whataburger for dinner, then headed for Gabby's place, I kept thinking how terrified I would be out there on my own.

When Marla made me smile with her compliments about my travel-ready looks, she hadn't seen these photos!


My evil niece took this when I just passed out sleep on her couch

Lovely, yes? LOL

Notice that her puppy, Kenai, has decided that we are new best friends! If you can see him at all. He's jet black and has the most beautiful coat of hair. I'd steal him if I could. He's such a cute little booger.

"I'm gonna just rest here in the crook of her knees!"

And... I'm not looking so hot here. Around 6-something this morning before Gabby heads out to work. I'm still tired and still wearing my twist-rows. I don't even fully remember twisting up my hair before I passed out last night!

Too early to care!

That last photo is to send to my little Boo-Boo (DJ). I miss him, but, boy, it was real nice to wake up and just enjoy my coffee in peace and quiet this morning!

Since I do have time to rest my nerves and pull my thoughts together, I'm going to do some short-story writing (and maybe post some?), and try to examine my life. Hopefully, when I get back home, I will be able to go to work and sort out some of my life tangles.

Peace
--Free