**CROSSPOST** Thinking About the Lord's Prayer

This is a Crosspost from my other blog.

I am trying to pay more attention to things in life because I have tended, in the past, to rush through. I noticed this about myself when I thought about the Lord's Prayer.  I have been saying this prayer (both before and after I accepted Christ) since I was a child.

What I am trying to do now, each time I say the Lord's Prayer, is to be aware of what I am saying. I really want to better apply the words to my life and keep them close to my heart. Here is how I now think of the lines in the prayer:

"Our Father who is in heaven, (Because He is in heaven - not some imposter living here on earth)

Hallowed be Your name. (Do I reverence His name? Do I keep it holy?)

Your kingdom come. (Not "kingdom now" as some people want. I need to be sharing the gospel and spreading the Word so that more people will be ready.)

Your will be done, (Sometimes, I resist this and want what I want instead of wanting what God wills. I need to know that His will will be done - whether I want it or not.)

On earth as it is in heaven. (Again, His will is the final authority. I need to want this for my life.)

Give us this day our daily bread. (Not bread for today and tomorrow - which may not come for me - and not riches and wealth and health abundant. Just my daily needs. He has always been faithful in this. )

And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. (This is the big one for me! I have to remind myself over and over to forgive as I have been forgiven. And I think of the Parable of the Unforgiving Debtor in Matthew 18:21-35.) 

And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen."

I think the main thing for me is to realize that God really is in control - of my waking and breathing and the existence of all of us. We have free will but He is in control.

So, yes, I really do need to be more - what is the trendy word? "mindful"? I need to not take living for granted. 

Peace

--Free

** I am in no way a Bible scholar or expert. This post is just to show my experience as a Christian who is trying to be better today than I was yesterday. 

Resting In Peace?

 Here is a post I just did on one of my other blogs. I hope that you will all go over and take a look.

Peace

--Free

My (New) Life Adjustment

Living with a disability is challenging in ways other people understand and in ways they don't. Living with an invisible disability has its own special challenges. I like a challenge. Most times.

I have learned various "workarounds" to deal with my cognitive and physical problems. As a matter of fact, I don't even like calling my issues "problems" Let's just call them challenges.

My physical challenges are easier to deal with. I know what I can and can no longer do. The new twist to this is that I have recently relocated to another state and will, for the first time in almost 8 years, be living on my own. When I lived in a household with a roommate or family, I had a lot more support for daily living obstacles that I never really thought much about. Now that I am looking for an apartment here in my new town, I am forced to consider a variety of challenges from new angles.

Getting out and around is going to work differently. When I was living in Anchorage, I knew the streets and basic locations of my personal "landmarks". Because my brain seems to work strangely, there were times when even driving to the most familiar of places (think Walmart on the other side of town) required orienting myself before starting the trip. On a good day, this only required plotting out the route in my head (Get on Old Seward, head towards the church, turn left onto Lake Otis, head down Tudor., etc.) and along the way, I'd make sure to keep track of where I was so I didn't get off route (going past my doctor's office meant I'd missed my turn onto Tudor). On a great day, I didn't miss any turns and have to re-route myself.

Other people are able to use their Google Maps navigation. I can do that too except I might have to pull over to pay attention to the directions because it's hard for me to listen to the instructions while actually driving. Crazy, I know. It's also a little embarrassing. So I find it easier to "self-plot" routes.

Also, I could understand North from South and East from West. Of course. I'd lived in Anchorage for most of my adult life.

Now that I am here in my new town (thankfully a very small town!), I am staying with family while I wait for my application to go through on an apartment. My brother and sister and law have told me that I am more than welcome to use their vehicle anytime I want. I've told them they might want to reconsider that offer. If you think it's embarrassing losing my way in a town I spent over 50 years in, just imagine getting lost in a tiny spot where nothing is more than 5 minutes away from anything else.

Out of my price range for 3 lifetimes!

Yesterday while riding around with my nephew (who has a learner's permit and must be accompanied by a licensed driver), he realized that he had a band practice. He wanted to know if I could drop him off at his school and make my way home okay.

Uh... Probably not. Not only was I still recovering from a weekly medication, but I was just a little bit lost. I had a vague idea of which direction home was, but I wasn't completely sure. So we ended up going home and getting my other nephew (also in possession of only a learner's permit) to do the drop-off.

I can't describe how frustrating this all is. Pre-Slip, I would have been able to make my way around this town on the first day here. Knowing where I was wouldn't matter because I'd have been able to reason out the directions by following a grid or just finding my way back to the street my family lives on. I no longer have that ability or confidence. I've got memories of once getting lost and having a mild panic/anxiety attack while on my way to a doctors appointment. The same doctor in the same location I've been going to for years!

So.

This is where I want to live
Not exciting, but location is everything

I've decided that I probably will not own a car again until I get better. The apartment that I am applying to live in is income restricted and for seniors only. It's situated beautifully in the most convenient downtown location - close to shopping, banking, and leisure. Thank Jesus and please pray that I get in. Half my stress about living solo will be erased if I can get a spot in that building. I won't have to depend on having a car to do most of my necessary business and it will be hard to get lost if I leave my apartment.

Should I have to move into my second or third choice of an apartment, I will be out of walking distance to grocery stores and my bank. That means I will need to rely on family or the special transportation provided for people like myself. Or that I will have to get a car.

Managing daily living is going to also be easier should I get the apartment I prefer. Because shopping is closer, I will be able to get groceries and other necessities at my own pace. Being able to buy as I need things (versus stocking up) will be easier on my budget. The biggest plus is that I will be getting regular exercise in small, daily doses. Even when my balance is off, I can manage short distances. Back in Anchorage, there was no need even thinking about walking to the grocery store - too far away and the route isn't pedestrian-friendly - and the closest convenience store is too pricey. Here, there is a discount grocery literally around the corner from where the apartment is. The bank I joined is directly across the street, there is a Woolworth-type mercantile a block away, and I the streets are very pedestrian-friendly - even for the elderly and physically challenged. There's even a library and church within walking distance.

Praying, dealing with it all, and just living are my immediate goals. Yes, I am out of my routine of many years, but I want to focus on getting healthy and whole again. I want to enjoy this journey - no matter how rocky and precarious it can sometimes be. All that means is that I have to be life-adjustment ready. I am. With God's help, I truly am.

Peace
--Free

Pack and Go Life

I just had to stop what I was doing and write this post.

While apartment hunting, I began de-cluttering my life. I didn't realize how much useless "stuff" I've been packing around the past few years.

When I owned a home, I had closets and pantries and storage space to spare. And I did everything I could to keep them filled up to over-flowing. After selling the first house and moving to Arizona into another (smaller) home, I still had too much stuff. Stuff I didn't wear, use or eat. Just stuff to fill spaces.

When I left Arizona and moved into my first apartment ever, I didn't have much with me. It was nice. It would have been heavenly if the rest of my life had been as de-cluttered and orderly.

Finally, when I returned to Alaska and back into a family home, I began my accumulation of, yep, more Stuff. Clothes and knick-knacks and trinkets and decorations. I carried a lot of it with me into my current situation.

Now that I am looking at moving into smaller accommodations, I'm getting rid of all that is unnecessary. I expected to feel some sense of loss or emptiness but, I'm shocked at how renewed I feel. There is a feeling of freedom and lightness that I don't think I have ever known.

When everything that has led up to my current move began, I felt frustrated and angry. Lord knows, I don't need the stress of a move in the middle of the chaos that is my life at the moment. I had a week or so of just being pissed off and anxious.

Then, like at every other needful time in my life, God stepped in. In the middle of what I like to call "my personal storm," He sent a blessing of peace and calmness. People who don't believe in a personal Savior will be shaking their heads and tsk-tsking this, but I know what's true.

Today, while I was packing and sorting things, and making runs to drop things off at Salvation Army, my anxieties ebbed and faded. In my heart, I felt so much quiet and stillness that I had to just stop and say, "Thank You."

As for the future, I am planning to practice what I call a "pack and go life." It applies to objects, people and possessions - both spiritual and material:

• What I don't need, I won't have.
• What doesn't feed and nourish me, I don't need.
• What doesn't simplify or ease the way for me, I will avoid.
• What doesn't bless or inspire me can't take up space.

Growing up, I was taught that everything happens for its own reasons - even if we can't see or understand or agree with those reasons. In times of trouble, I always doubt that, but it's always proved true in the end for me.

I hope that anyone else who is dealing with their own struggles right now will find this kind of calmness and peacefulness. Those are the only things we should ever try owning in this life.

Peace

--Free

Hibernatintg and Healing

Some sweet folks over at G+ made me smile hard with a video the other day. (Thank you, Mr & Mrs H.) I guess I have dropped out of site in a way.

Every now and then, I need to stop, drop and roll. Roll into myself, that is.

I tend to be a bit manic. My thoughts run at warp speed and my emotions cycle even faster. When I was in my early twenties, my mother would worry about me. At the end of a bad day at work, she'd ask, "Does you body hum when you lay it down at night?"

Yes, sometimes it does. For the past couple of weeks, it has. When I get like this, I live up to my birth sign and go all crab-like. In the past, I've totally withdrawn from people and situations. That strategy has caused me a lot of heartache, so I had to learn to be wiser with it.

In my maturity, I withdraw, but I do it with a lot of thought and a purpose - and, most important, I don't succumb to it. I think of it as hibernating to heal. When I need healing, I turn to either family or God. Family is all right for surface wounds, but for the hurting that goes all through me, I need God.

This time I need God.

I am listening to * and reading one of my favorite Psalms. I'm staying very still and quiet, trying not to break into a useless mess of tears and despair. God is the only One who is going to hold me together.

Thanks to +J.D. Hughes +Marla Hughes and +Sandy Sandmeyer  +Julia Hawkins for their love.

Peace
--Free

* I don't know if the Christian Post knows what a blessing that entire resource is.

Listening for God's Voice

This may seem like a strange post, but it came to me tonight and I can't let it go.

I have been doing a lot of contemplation and prayer in the past couple of weeks. So many things sitting restless on my mind. Now that I can look forward to a more healthful future, I am in a constant state of anxious joy. Anxious and jittery, but joyful. And thoughtful. My mind just won't be still.

As a Christian, I have prayed so many selfish prayers that I'm used to God just silently shaking His head and waiting for me to get over myself. I usually do. I know which of my prayers are silly and not even fit to have been uttered in the first place. The tough thing is listening for God's voice when I have prayed out of a sincere desire.

In the past few days, I have prayed for something that is truly between me and God, and I am wondering now if God leaves even some of our most sincere prayers unanswered.

My prayer this time is so real for me. This time I am not praying only for myself and I'm not praying for anything material. I even think that I am being given an answer - slowly and in stages - but how do I know that it's God's voice and not my own hope?

I have been known to run off on the wind, working under my own will and making things happen while convincing myself that it was God leading my success. I have learned the hard way that just because God let me get away with something, it doesn't mean He approved.

Once a long time ago, God gave me a significant blessing. I didn't understand that it was a blessing and I didn't give it the reverence and care that I should have. At another time in my life, I took what I thought was a blessing and ran with it. That was a disaster of my own making. I hadn't taken the time to even try to discern that situation before it got out of control.

Now I am at a crossroads of a sort. I've been stubborn and willful for so long, ignoring His voice and listening only for what I have wanted to hear. I am now trying to remember what the Lord sounded like to my heart.

I was taught as a young woman that we know and hear God's voice because we belong to him (John 10:1-4 *), and that we are supposed to flee from the voices of strangers. My problem has not usually been the misleading voices of strangers; my problem has been listening to myself.

Taking the advice I remember from childhood, I am going to do a prayer and fasting because I need to block out my own voice. I need to hear God and I am listening for Him.

If you are a praying Christian, pray for me.

Peace
--Free


*“Most assuredly, I say to you, he who does not enter the sheepfold by the door, but climbs up some other way, the same is a thief and a robber.  But he who enters by the door is the shepherd of the sheep.  To him the doorkeeper opens, and the sheep hear his voice; and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.  And when he brings out his own sheep, he goes before them; and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice. (John 10:1-4)

Coming Off The Ledge

I had a few very bad days of being super-depressed. When I get like that and nothing else can bring me around, I go off the grid; close myself up away from everyone and everything so that I can do my praying and thinking in peace. I also try to find reasons to deal better with everything.

The other day - about Day 5 into my time in the abyss - I was re-reading a book about the band INXS. I just loved  this group back in the day. The singer, Michael Hutchence committed suicide (or at least, gave in to sadness) at such a young age, 37. Like a lot of people, I was surprised and had to ask the usual "Why?"

A good way to revive yourself out of a funk - or at least talk yourself off the ledge - is to think of someone who didn't make it out. You think of how much they must be missed by the people who loved them, and all the wonderful things they did not live to see. You think, or I did in the case of Hutchence, of  how the talent they shared with us is the only thing left. I still use the lyrics that Hutch and Andrew Farris put out there for us. And Hutch isn't the only sweet soul who didn't make it; he's just a famous face of so many people's pain. They just didn't make it out of a very bad, and probably very temporary, place. As Bono put it about Hutchence: he was just stuck in a moment.

Now, know one thing about me: I get stuck in moments, but I've always made it out. I have a secret weapon in the war on depression. I have a deep faith in Jesus. If I didn't, I'd have not made it through things that came years before this bad time. Trust that.

Jesus promised, "I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you." (John 14:18)

Some people don't have faith in anything. Some people just teeter alone into the bad places that depression can take any of us. If you are depressed, please find a positive way to deal with it. Call someone, hold on tight to someone, pray - just don't give in to it.

Anyway, my bad moment has passed. I celebrated last night by listening to some of  my favorite INXS songs. My "favorites" in anything change with my mood. Right now, this is my favorite:

R.I.P. Hutch

Peace

--Free

P.S.: If you don't understand faith, I don't either; I just have it. This is a story of a woman who seems to have & understand it.

U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

1-800-273-8255

Save.org

Suicide Awareness Voices of Education

**Wikipedia has list or resources for those of you who live outside the USA**

Wishes For Some

I was talking with my friend tonight after we'd both had a rough couple of days. I cried on her shoulder and she cried on mine. When she finished telling me about some of what she's been dealing with and how heartless her co-workers seem to be, I wanted to be angry. But, true to her good heart, she wanted to pray for them instead. She reminded me that while we are currently going through our trials, there are those who have their tough times yet to come. She said that we need to pray that they have the strength that God has given us.

She is right, I guess. I have heard of so many people just giving up, committing suicide or just losing themselves to insanity. God has been a rock and a refuge for us.

So, here is what my friend and I talked about wishing for some people:

We pray you never have heartache like we have had. That you don't have nights where you cry yourself to sleep, while trying to pray. We hope that you always have your health, your finances and your basic dignity. We pray that if you ever do need someone's help, that they do it without making you feel like a beggar. We pray that you don't ever have to wonder what on earth you will do tomorrow. We pray that your loved ones are healthy and your children are well. We pray that you don't ever cry tears that you just can't hold back. We pray that you never feel some of the things that people with trials and tribulation do. We pray that if you do have troubles, your faith remains intact. We pray that, no matter how bad things get, you have friends like we do and that you find something to smile about at least every day.

My mother used to say that if you live long enough you will have heartache. She said that sometimes when you think you've been through the worst, you will go through something more. Mom believed that people took their good times for granted. She taught us never to say "never" or "not me" or to talk about what you are going to do. She would tell us to say, "If the Lord is willing..." She'd tell us not to be arrogant about what you have or are able to do. I didn't really understand the lessons at the time, but I'm glad I paid attention. The way I treated people and talked back then has created blessings for me during these times of trouble. (Thank you, Mama.)

My friend and I pray together often. When we talked tonight and prayed, we decided that there are two types of people in the world: those who know they are not in control and those who think they are. We know that we are not in control - God is. No matter what I suffer, I am glad for that.

Peace
--Free