Defined the Problem

 (Just found this blog, which I want to point out has great links. Thanks to Sarcoidosis Experience)


While I was texting a friend, I hit on what the problem is with the medication I am on for this sarcoidosis. All this time that I have been trying to desparately make everyone understand, I couldn't grasp the right word. I've got it: Apathy. (And because this blog is really my only journal of this nightmare I am going through, I wanted to get this down here before I lose any sense of needing to write it.)

This friend of mine - who has been so good to me while I've been sick - texted to invite me to get out of the house this weekend. When I finally got the energy to answer her back, all I could do was be honest and say that I can't do anything until I get over this medically induced apathy.

What a relief to be able to find the word. I've been struggling to put meaning to the way I've been feeling from the moment I started on the prednisone. When I look up references to side effects, I'm not surprised to see that apathy, depression, mood changes - all of that comes up.

This is sheer hell, you guys. When you know what your natural personality is but you can't reach it... I don't know what it is to feel like laughing, talking, being or doing. And I know it's the medicine - which I know I have to keep taking for at least another few weeks.

When I do finish with this stuff, I am going to be so thankful for every emotion, good or bad. Right now, all I can do is be awake or be asleep. My one sort of joy is to sit in the sun and listen to the sounds of the neighborhood. I can't work or really function. I am just in a state of healing limbo.

If you want to even try to know what I feel like, take just one minute and try to make yourself feel numb and empty. Like your whole being is on novacaine. That's what I feel like. I can't find anything to distract myself from the nothingness. I can't write (which is a whole other kind of hell for me) or even lose myself in my imagination.

So, yeah - apathy has got to be the right word. Complete and total.

Peace
--Free

State of Mind

Being hit with this illness has definitely changed my life. I think of not one thing the way I did before. It's as if this whole experience has been life-altering for me.

One of the things I think about a lot is death. I think about what it means to be alive and then to not be alive. One minute, you are just chugging along, doing your thing - working, eating, planning - and then, the next, you could just not be there. I also think about what we mean to each other as people. When I look at the people I love now, I try to imagine life without them. I can't help but think "What if?" - as in: what it they were taken away from me in the next breath, or what if I just don't see them again.

Another thing is that I appreciate things more. Ever since I got home from the hospital, I have been so glad for the good weather. All I want to do is sit in the sun and think about what a beautiful world God has given us. (I told my sister how glad I am that this happened to me in the summer and not during the winter. I think the darkness of winter along with the effects of the prednisone would have driven me past the edge of my mind.) I am hoping desparately that my medicine therapy is over before the sun goes away. I think that if I have the sunshine and warmth, I will be able to survive this.

Like I said, I don't think I will ever be the same after this. Maybe this was a lesson God wanted to teach me: to think more about the NOW of life. It's not like we don't all know that one day we will have to die, but I don't think we respect that fact.

Here is something that a friend of mine said to me recently about faith and death- after my sickness, her getting cancer, and her sister passing from cancer. We were talking about how strong her sister had been in her faith and how she died in her faith. My friend said this: "We all want to be with Jesus, but we don't want to die."

For me, that was so deep. It's true. I live my life loving Jesus and wanting to be with Him. I think about my mother and the people who have already died and how I one day want to see them again. We all want to go to Heaven, but we have to die to get there.

For right now, I want to appreciate life and living. I want to get through this illness and get back to being my old self. I want to be the person who could laugh myself sick at the silliest things, think up funny stories, be interesting and fun and happy. The medicine has stolen some of that - and I know it is the medicine - and I can't wait to get it back. I just want to be fully me again. I want to be inspired to write and talk and be someone that people enjoy being around.

Until I get through all this, I ask that you all keep me in your prayers. Try to be uplifting to each other. No one knows what another person is going through, so we all need to be encouraging.

Peace
--Free

Learning to Breathe

Three days out of the hospital and I am feeling a little more back on my feet. Feel a little more like I can think a little bit more clearly. Still not liking the steroids and the effects I can feel they are having on me.

When I think of what happened to me - all out of nowhere - I am so thankful to God. I could have been lying dead somewhere. What if I'd been driving and run someone over? What if I'd just been somewhere without my family and something had happened?

So many what it if's.

Instead, I ended up with this cruddy disease that I still don't understand, but I am alive and fighting.

I know that people automatically think the same things when they've had a close call with death or disease, but I have got to say it anyway: it makes you think.

The day I was released from the hospital, a friend's sister died of cancer. I didn't know this until I called to check in with my friend. Her sister had fought all the way to Stage Four cancer, and I had just spoken to her myself a few weeks ago. I had told her how wonderful it was that she was still fighting and that she sounded so good and strong while we were talking. She told me that she had put all her faith in the Lord and that He had healed her so far. She wasn't afraid to die. Her sister - my friend - is fighting the same type cancer right now.

When I was being diagnosed, one of the things the doctors had to do was a biopsy on tissue from my lung. That was to determine whether I had sarcoidosis or cancer. It was a horrible procedure that I had to be partly conscious for and I don't know what was worse: that or waiting for the result. Before I knew the result, I remember thinking about dying. I wasn't so much afraid as I was sad. I was sad that I'd be leaving family and friends, sad about things I had or had not done. I was curious about what it would be like to not be alive. I even wondered about how my dying would affect the doctors, nurses and staff I'd met while in the hospital. Mainly, I wondered if my dying would change anything for anyone in a deep way.

Now that I am home and just dealing with the fallout of the Sarc - the bills, what to do with my life and how to cope - I am going to try to enjoy as much of life as I can, worry about as little of it as possible, and be thankful to God for every breath. It took all of this for the Lord to teach me that happiness is an inside job.

Peace
--Free

Family Catchup

For the friends and family who heard I was sick and in hospital and no one really knew what was going on, here's the deal.

I got sick right after my birthday and landed myself in the hospital. Thank God for my family because I would not have gone without them bugging me.  I thought I was just just tired and stressed.

Long story short, I was walking around here, slurring words, tripping over my own two feet, being cranky and tired, etc, etc, etc... without knowing why. This went on for weeks and weeks and was getting worse until recently. I have been diagnosed with some crazy disease called Sarcoidosis. (Leave it to me to get something I can't pronounce. I call it Sarc.) That's what landed me in the hospital from July 4th through yesterday when I was was released. On top of that, the doctors (all of them amazing, by the way!) were getting my ridiculously high blood pressure under control.

Like about everything, there is both too much and not enough information out there about Sarc. I gave up trying to research it and am just paying attention to my doctors - who also admit being a little puzzled by Sarc. The one thing I want to get across to all of you is this: I had Sarc symptoms for a long time and I ignored them. I certainly had High Blood Pressure symptoms that I didn't manage. So, for all of you who are not taking care of yourself - please do. If nothing else, I could have been a lot of healthier these past several months!

I am home now and trying to get a grasp on what this disease and the symptoms mean for me. There is not a lot known about Sarc, but for me, everything just feels weird. I am having some trouble thinking and moving and my body feels a little alien. My eyesight, my movements - even my words and thoughts -  everything feels out of whack. Some of it, I'm sure, is just that I am overwhelmed. The medicines alone baffle me. (It took me 20 minutes to sort out which ones I was taking and when and why.) Right now, I am trying to figure out how this is going to affect the rest of my life. This is my first day out of hospital and facing it all.

Everyone pray for me. Pray that God touches on this disease and the symptoms to heal them. Pray that my blood pressure stays under control and that no more damage is done to this body.

Love,
Free

Laughing In The Rain

The secret to laughing in the rain is to be thankful for your umbrellas. Yeah, that sounds kind of Zen-corny, I know, but it's really true.

I used to let many things get me down, but in the past year or so, I've found that it's better to look at my blessings instead of my worries. For instance, I could be sad because I am nowhere near where I need to be at my age - not in finance, romance or in the normal cycle of life. Talk about being caught in the middle of a life storm... But I choose to be light and joyful because I look at all the umbrellas God has given me: good family, good friends, my physical senses. And I think of the fact that God KNEW to give me the specific family and friends He gave, because He knows they are what I need. (It's only passing-by funny that He could have given me riches, but I wouldn't have gotten the people I have.)

Anyway, my point here is that if I were sad, I'd be spreading that sadness, but God has given me joy that usually manages to shine outwards to others. Who knows what a smile and a sense of peace does for others just by being in the atmosphere? I think it matters.

So please pull out your umbrellas so that you can enjoy whatever the forecast is. Let your joy be good for someone else. Smile at each other, care enough for it to show and let your own attitude teach others how to laugh in their own storms.

(In a sidenote: Last night I thought I was dying. No kidding. Those who know me know that I have severe high blood pressure - it's one of the reasons that I am changing jobs until I get it under control - and I worry all the time about what it's doing to my body. Anyway, I happened to get a massive headache yesterday. This was no ordinary head pain; it got so bad that I couldn't walk for making it worse. I took painkillers and aspirin; I lay down, perfectly still, because any movement aggravated the pain. At about 2am, I started to think that I should wake up the fam or call 911. Finally, I thought that maybe I was just going to stroke out and die. Of course, I didn't die, but realized that I had forgotten to take a medication - which is a whole other story. So I took the med and within half an hour, headache went bye-bye. I have to tell you, though, that the thought of dying was not scary; the only sad thought I had was that I was leaving behind my fam. I've never been so close to dying - that I was aware of - and I am so thankful to God that because of Jesus, I now know that when the time comes for me to go Home, I won't be afraid.)

Peace
--Free

The Mind Is a Strange Place

I have the oddest thing happening to me & I wonder if anyone else has had it happen.

Two or three nights ago, I woke up out of  deep, deep sleep. I think I had been dreaming, but I can't remember what about. I woke up as if something was heavy on my mind, but I couldn't focus on what that was. When I'd sat there long enough to really wake up, I had this image in my head of a man. Seeing him in my mind gave me a feeling  of being puzzled and confused. I would feel that he was there to give me information or a message.

I had no idea who this man is. Just can't imagine where I ever saw him before. I didn't  know who he was, but - and this is also weird - I told my sister that (for some reason), I know his first name, but guessed at his last.

Now. I have solved the puzzle - just today - and this makes me wonder how the mind works.

Turns out that this man is not important to me personally and I never have met him. I have SEEN him in a normal passing.

What bothers me so much about this is that now that I know who the man is, there is no reason at all that he should have crossed my mind or interrupted my thoughts.

I'm going to right it off to stress and repression of some kind of memory. I just wonder about the human brain - my brain.

Peace
--Free

Spoken and Remembered

A person close to me (by blood) made a joke at my expense. A few years ago, I would have taken it to heart, but lately I've come to realize that people are one thing and do another. This particular person probably didn't mean to hurt me. I truly believe that the true motive wasn't hurting me, but making himself feel better. (And because I am such a sinner, I thought, "Okay, that's my gift to you. Once!" LOL)

Seriously though, the idea of ragging on someone to make yourself feel better stuck in my head. As I thought about it, I also thought about something else (sort of related, maybe not):

When we remember people - say at a funeral - we often don't really say out loud what we really remember about the person. We remember one thing, but say another - something more acceptable.

For instance, at funerals, we often tell only the best things about a person - how generous they were, how kind and caring, etc.  We will talk about the good times and the good things, but the whole time, what we are really thinking about are the hurts they caused, their pettiness, the way they cheated or lied or manipulated others. Of course, it would be wrong and disrespectful to the person's loved ones to do anything other than be kind when speaking of them. I guess that goes to the whole don't-speak-ill-of-the-dead and all that...

Here's the thing that came to my mind: I want to remembered as kindly as I will be spoken of. I don't want anyone to have to sugarcoat their words at my passing. If they are going to say that I was generous, then I don't want them - or anyone listening - to be remembering that my generosity had a motive. I don't want anyone speaking or listening to have subtitles going on about me. (In my case, if someone says that I was moody and cranky, I won't mind. That's true. I would like to think I have been "lovably cranky," but... hahaha) I guess I want to try to live so that I will be remembered for being true to my ways - the good and the bad. I don't want to be remembered as someone who tried killing someone's spirit or morale.

We all have faults, but too often, we try to show the world one personality while we are acting out as another. We want praise for things we haven't truly been. We want to be remembered for things we didn't do with our hearts. We should care more about whether or not we were truly faithful or generous or God-fearing than we should about whether people just thought we were.

And the thing is: often we aren't fooling anybody. If we were, all the good things spoken of about us would be true. God will know the truth.

This all makes me think of people who seem tall only because they are using someone else's misery as a stool. People who seem wealthy only  in comparison to another person's lack.  People who aren't happy with what they've got unless they can show that they have it. These are people who wouldn't be happy in Heaven where joy might be equal. Also, we need to pray for these folks because life here on earth must be - in their hearts - miserable. When I think of people, I wonder about the un-shed tears and the troubling restlessness no one knows about. I think about where I would be without God to touch my own faults and worries. How miserable I would be without His forgiveness, love and comfort. What is it that the Bible says about misery? People with these faults have got to be sadly miserable because of what they lust after for this world and for trying to impress people who cannot save their own souls.

Don't get me wrong - I am not excluding myself. I've craved temporary happiness with the purchase of a purse or piece of clothing. I've lusted after cars and houses and jewelry. Not always because I have wanted the item just because I liked it, but because I wanted what someone else had or didn't have. I wanted - even temporarily - people to look at me and feel a little envy. I think that's a very human weakness and sin. But I am going to ask the Lord to free me from it.

As always, whenever I hold up a mirror to someone's faults, mine become so much clearer. Maybe that's the way God intended it to be. I see a fault in someone else and realize I'm guilty too - and I don't want to be that way anymore.

Just a couple of thoughts I've had. I'm done now. LOL

Peace
--Free

I Just Wanna Be Free-eee!

Thank the Lord! The days are getting brighter, some of this nasty snow is melting, and it's not as freezing cold as it has been in past weeks. Maybe I shouldn't speak too soon, but I'm already checking out cute sandals and summer clothes!

The way I am feeling (most of the time) after the hell I have been through, I was going to add a vid of the Deniece Williams song "Free," but I remembered that it was all about some man. Hah! So...

Even though I'm not that into the whole secular music thing these days, I like the lyrics in this song:

Yep, I am going to be just fine. (Now if that sun would just come on out and warm things up around here! LOL)

Peace
--Free

Reflections

So... Life under maintenance, a new year started... It all got me to thinking back. I went through a bunch of my photos & thought I'd share the memories... (They are in no particular order. Blogger got goofy about what would upload and what would be rejected by server..???)

 (above) Interesting that I was taking a pic of myself, but don't look happy about it... BUT, notice I have hair! lol

My birthday in June 2010. La Mex. Went with the fam

So dang vain! LOL. At my "sis" Barb's last year, trying on clothes my big sis sent. I need to lose about 15lbs to get back to that size!

This is my niece & nephew a couple yrs ago when he was home from Iraq. I was in TX, but my AK fam made sure I got the pic

There's my niece Gabby! And I'll be danged if she ain't laughing. (Good, Gabby. Not so serious all the time!)

My sweet, sweet Rags-a-poo. I still miss my lil baby every single day

I guess I think I thought I was cute or something. This is in TX with my cousins around April/May I think.  L ast year.We took Lil Man out to try & fish. (All I can think about is that I had more hair on my head then!)

Ahh, my serious and beautiful niece Gabs. Around summer '09 I believe

Horrible pic, but, hey - you know how those bad-lit, self-shot bathroom photos are! LOL BUT check out the SHORT hair cut... Can't believe I did it. Looks a lot better in person & the stylist (Tanya @ Ebony & Ivory) was amazing!

Me & my nephew Dre. Summer of 2010. Man it was a gorgeous day!

La Mex on the birthday. (We look drunk but we aren't really) Cherie had had knee surgery & I was just a little bit blue...

(from left to right) Niece Gabby (being shy), my big sis & bestest friend, my beautiful Mommy and niece Cherie. Fam love, right there in a group!

Wow! This is me, like about 20 yrs ago. Loved that house of ours. Makes me cry to think we are living there anymore...

Ok, that was fun. Maybe I will do another post of pics soon.

Peace
--Free

Warning: Life Under Maintenance

So.

I had thought of doing New Year resolutions, then I thought, why set myself up for failure? You don't have to wait for the beginning of a year to set goals, make resolutions, right?

No.

So, instead of reaching for the impossible, I have decided to go for the do-able:

• Gonna try a new look for the physical me.
• Gonna get my body looked after - check out the flesh & blood machine with a physical
• Gonna get the mind taken care of. Been having anxiety attacks and bouts of the "the blues."
• Getting the spiritual me shaped up. Having a lot more talks with the Lord, putting my trust in Him to get me through all the time He's giving me here on this crazy planet.
• Going to appreciate life moment-to-moment.

I think all of that is within reach. I am, after all, turning 50 this coming year. I want to enjoy more of life rather than just get through it.

Since the haircut is the first step, I will try to promise to post pics as soon as it's done. (Unless it turns out a hot mess - then I will post pics of the remedy: a wig, weave or really cute hats! LOL)

To the memories of those who are not here with us this year: I hope you are at rest and at peace for all eternity. (Mom, Dad & the Grands - I still miss you all so much!)

For the rest of you, I wish for peace in your hearts, minds and souls; love that you can use; pursuits you can thrive in; and mostly spiritual calm and fulfillment. God bless all His little children.

Raise your hearts and hopes to a great Year  2011

Peace
--Free

Auld Lang Syne

Question: How many of you know the words to that traditional New Year song?
I bet not too many!

I looked up the lyrics and other information and was a little bit surprised that it's not only sung at the New Year but at funerals and other occasions. Now that I do know the words, I can see it being appropriate for other occasions. I can also see it's not as "deep" as I always thought. Matter of fact, the melody makes me feel more emotional that the lyrics do.

Anyway, here are the lyrics. You can find out more on Wikipedia (of course!)

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old lang syne ?

CHORUS:

For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne, we'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne.

And surely you’ll buy your pint cup !
and surely I’ll buy mine !
And we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have run about the slopes,
and picked the daisies fine ;
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have paddled in the stream,
from morning sun till dine^† ;
But seas between us broad have roared
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

And there’s a hand my trusty friend !
And give us a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

Watching the Asphalt Grow

I haven't been over here for a good minute or two. That's because it's winter and as I've said over & over, I don't do well in winter. I go to work, come home and sleep. On weekends, I hit Walmart or Target just to get out of the house & spend time with the fam. Other than that, I just hibernate and pray for Spring and Summer.

I guess I am only posting today to do a catch-up of the very little that's been happening in the life of Free. So, let's do a quickie rundown...

• Got the job - thank You, God - and it's going all right. Still lots to learn and get ingrained into my habits.
• Made a new buddy at the job. Cool lady, lots of lunchtime laughs and girl-talk.
• Collecting up stuff for when I get a place of my own - which I am having to save up for. Hit the after-Thanksgiving sales and really cleaned up on kitchen stuff and even got a little flat-screen television. Yay.
• Haven't written a thing lately, creative-wise. Starting to feel (for the first time) that I am through with writing anything major. That's kind of okay with me, but kind of not... *shrug*
• Thinking a lot about my mother and father lately. Makes me a little blue. Makes me think a lot of Heaven.

That's pretty much it, except: did I mention how I cannot WAIT for this snow and cold to be g.o.n.e.? LOL

Wishing everyone to have a wonderful Christmas. Here's hoping for a really bright and amazing New Year. Maybe I will be posting again before all that, but who knows?




Peace
--Free

So, you DO have to tell me twice

At almost 50, i've had a huge wakeup call & learned things in my heart that my head always knew:

1- things are not always what they seem to be
2 - most folks have no "self mirror." They understand every hurt they feel but not the hurt they cause.
3- we all need to feel that we matter

For so many years, I felt validated by my family. Felt that by doing the right thing was its own reward. Well, that sounds good, but it doesn't always feel right.

My resolution is: acknowlede & validate those who acknowledge & validate me. If I don't mean anything to you, you won't mean anything to me.

I am going to let go of begging for love. I am going to start being my own top priority. I am going to start acknowledging myself. I can't count on anyone else to be thankful for what I sacrificed for them.

Life will teach you many things. I learned late, but I learned well.

Peace
--Free

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Just Rambling

Oh, my poor, neglected blog(s)!!!

I haven't been posting regularly, I've barely touched bases with my Twitter pals & the Cafe and Farm over on Facebook are just... well, they're looking pretty sad! lol And, speaking of sad, my beautiful little plant must be getting ready to hibernate for winter. Almost all her blooms are dried up... :-(


Maybe now that the season is changing (and there is FROST/ICE on the car in the morning), I will get more into my web world... You know how I tend to hunker down in the darker months of the year.


This is the first time in about 3 years that I have been around for one of our Alaskan winters. I really don't like it much. I think I got spoiled by the nice Texas winters. You know, being able to sit out on the patio for coffee, taking walks, having potted plants out... All that nice-weather kinda stuff.


What am I gonna do to get through the winter? I am going to indulge all my guilty television pleasures (Real Housewives, Paranormal State and any kind of classic show), try to spend more time praying and reading the Bible. I need to get back to church too. Pretty sure they have forgotten me over at Foursquare. And maybe I will start back crocheting. I know I want to do blankets for whatever new place I get, and I have a whole other bunch of nieces/nephews to do blankets for. And, oh, not to mention needing to post here more often!


Other than the darkness, another thing I dislike about winters here: it was Mama's favorite season & I always think about her with a little bit of sadness around Thanksgiving and Christmas. She LOVED her Christmas decorations and having the grandkids crowded into the house... I can't forget how, when she passed away (in April), we all came home from the hospital to find that Mom's Christmas lights had been turned on and were just lighting up the whole outside of the house. Never did figure that one out. We eventually came to think of it as God letting Mom say "goodbye" in her own way.


So...


Anyway, if I were to have an early holiday wishlist, I guess it would be to have another happy home, continued health, peace and family to wallow in. Basically, I pretty much HAVE all that I want (ok, I'm still working on the house part!). AND this year I have a job. So, I am already as blessed as I can wish to be.


I do have a few more things I want to do, though. I want to actually do a Christmas card list (with actual PAPER cards and postage stamps!), I want to go ahead and cut my hair (be a little adventurous for a bit), and I want to find a unique gift for everyone on my list. I am so tired of giving gifts that only mean something for a minute. I want to think of something very personal and fitting for everyone. (I have some ideas, but can't breathe a word on the blog because my NOSEY neice reads this pretty regularly - lol)


Finally (as if I haven't just been rambling on here!) I want to give a big thanks to the Lord for my new friend Jone. She has been a real blessing and encouragement. Maybe next time I post, I will tell the story of how I accidentally re-named a local eatery. (I have no problem at all laughing at myself! lol)


Meantime, you guys all be safe as the weather changes. Count your blessings with joy & endure your trials peace. 


Peace
--Free

"I Know What You've Gone Through"

One of the worse things to hear when you are dealing with a crisis is: "I know what you're going through." (Or: "I know just how you feel.")

When you hear someone say that, don't you just want to say, "No. You don't!"

I've been on the giving and receiving end of that kind of useless empathy. I struggled for a long time trying to figure out how to let a friend know that I meant better. Finally, I think I've found two of the best ways to respond when someone confides their problems:

1 - Silence. Just say nothing. Maybe the friend only wanted someone to listen. Or (since I am not in anyway the "silent type") I think I've found a better way to empathize verbally...

2 - Instead of saying "I know how you feel," maybe it's better to say, "I don't know how you feel, but I do know what's it like to go through some things." 

See, everyone has problems. Your problems may not be the same as mine (and vice versa), but any problem is important to the person involved. What I need to work on is not making my problems seem more important than anyone else's. Our problems are always bigger to us - because they are happening to us. I just don't want to be selfish with my empathy.

Now I have something else to pray about! LOL.

Peace

--Free

Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled!

I was thinking of John 14:27 and I woke up with tears in my eyes this morning.

Not sad tears or depressed & distressed tears.

The tears on my face this morning were tears of gratitude. I have been so blessed. God, all along, knew what I've gone through. I'm still not out of the valley yet, but I am not in the darkest part like I had been for so long. I have learned that no matter what happens, I have been instructed to:

"Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid!"

I have even come to understand a little bit of WHY I had to go through tough times: I think I got a little too complacent and ungrateful. When things were good, I forgot Who was blessing me. I was haughty and proud and selfish.

My mother used to say something along the lines of, "You get too full of yourself, life will bring you to your knees."

Well, life certainly did bring me to my knees. (Notice it's not God that brought me down, but me, myself and my pride...) I guess it's what you do and Who you turn to when you get knocked to your knees! I turned to God.

So, while I am still going through some strife and worry, I know that God is with me. I know that, while today is good - I finally have a job, Thank Him! - the next moment can bring some new stress. I could lose the job, get sick, be deserted by friends or family. Anything can happen. BUT - I have God with me. And if God is for me, who can be against me?

Now I am going to keep on singing and praising and depending on God. I am going to continue to pray and try to be steadfast no matter what people may do or say. And, if I should die right now, I can rest in the peace that I'll just be going on Home.

If any of you are going through some things (and I am thinking of Drew and Jone and Sharon and others), just close your eyes for a moment and thank God for the blessings. The devil can try all he wants to keep us focused on the troubles, but we know better.

And, finally - I want to thank my new friend Jone for reminding me of 1John 3:18---

"My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth."

I have been so guilty of saying how I love someone, but not letting my actions be guided by that love. And I have to remind myself that this love is supposed to be for everyone, not just family and friends, but for the people I meet all through daily life. (Thanks, Jone!)

Peace
--Free

Precious Things We Have Lost

It has occurred to me that every generation loses something. I am having the thought that with every generation removed from the beginning of the Gospel, people have moved closer to becoming exactly the way we are described in the Bible in 2 Timothy 3:1-9 

But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these. For among them are those who enter into households and captivate weak women weighed down with sins, led on by various impulses, always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so these men also oppose the truth, men of depraved mind, rejected in regard to the faith. But they will not make further progress; for their folly will be obvious to all, just as Jannes's and Jambres's folly was also. (NOTE: boldface mine)

Is that not what we have become already? And, of course, this is not new to THIS day, but what I am thinking is that we get to be more and more like this.

For example, when I was young, there were certain things I (and ANY young person who was considered to have been raised in a "good" home) would NEVER do. Yet, young people today have lost so much of what I was raised with:

Compassion - People are so cold-blooded these days. They don't consider it as BEING "cold," but they just think of it as being "normal." They think of being compassionate as being "weak." They are quick to tell others to "toughen up."

Manners - People don't have the sense of even BASIC social courtesies. When I was young, I was taught by my mother that when I walked into a room, I was supposed to acknowledge anyone already there. Either say "Hello," "Good morning/afternoon/evening" - SOMEthing. I would NEVER walk into a room and act as if it was empty. I didn't snatch things out of anyone's hand. I didn't slam doors. I didn't leave without saying goodbye. I didn't walk into other people's homes or rooms without knocking. I didn't go into other people's refrigerators or cabinets without permission. If I did eat at someone's home, I offered to help clear tables or help with dishes. I said, "Please" and "Thank you." ... Just basic stuff!

Elder respect - People do not accord any respect to age anymore. They don't hold doors for elders. They don't tone down their language for strangers or elders in public. They have no problem raising their voice or having "an attitude" with elders. (And when I was coming up, an "elder" person wasn't necessarily and "old" person. Back when I was a kid, anyone a few years older was "elder" to me. I can remember having to call my choir directer - who was about 7 years older - "Sister Gail." In my house, if someone was older, they were addressed as "auntie," "Miss," "Brother" or "Mister."  If I didn't know their name, they were "Sir" or "Ma'am.") And let me tell you something real: I would have chewed my tongue off before I would EVER have raised my voice or used a "tone" with my mother about anything. She didn't have to be right, she was just "Mama." I had no pride at all when it came to my mother because I knew that no matter what or how she said something to me, it was out of love and wanting to teach me something. You say the wrong thing to a young person today and if it bothers their nerves, you'll just about get cussed out!

General Respect & Self-Respect - I don't know why I am surprised at the lack of respect toward elders since most people don't respect their peers or themselves... People today will say the most amazingly crazy and revealing stuff on PUBLIC social network sites. It's as if they don't think that a boss or a parent or someone they SHOULD respect will ever see or hear about what they post.

But.

The basic truth about the times we live in is that  while we may not be able to change what others do or how they act, we can encourage them. AND we CAN change our own behavior. Personally, I am committed to work on MY own behavior. I will treat others as they deserve to be treated & pray that God help me to treat them BETTER than that! (LOL) And I am trying to live my life in a posture of thankfulness and prayer for forgiveness and protection.

We truly are living in the last days. I know people have been saying that for years, but the thing is: If these are not "the last days" for the world, they could be OUR last days as individuals. So when we are thinking of pleasing or displeasing the Lord God, we don't need to be thinking so much about the endtimes and judgement of THE WORLD, but of the coming end and judgement for OURSELVES. 

I know that everyone in my family has had their warning. I just hope that they take it seriously and not get caught taking their last breath, living in unconcern the way people were as described in Matthew 24:37-38 

"For the coming of the Son of Man will be just like the days of Noah. For as in those days before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noah entered the ark"

... And then what?

Anyway, that's my little rant for the morning. I do have hope that those who God calls His, will hear His voice and heed it. I am going to continue this thought in the next immediate post...

Peace

--Free

Betrayals & Cowardice

Here's a question for you:

Have you ever been lied to or betrayed by someone you really, truly believed you could trust? You know, like in one of those horror films where, at the end of the movie, the killer turned out to be the sweet & smiling best friend or lover?

Hmmm... Why do I bring this up? Not because I have that experience, but because I have known people who have had it. And because I am wondering if I am going to have the experience. Time will tell & when it does, I will surely open up and post about it here.

Here's the thing: No one wants to believe that they have misjudged someone so badly. You don't want to believe that someone close to you could be so conniving, but... when you start seeing signs...

Oh well, I will keep you up on this little situation that I am watching. Everything that is done in the dark will come out in the light.

Peace
--Free

Let Me Tell You How Good God Is

I feel like I need to testify!

Just a week ago, I was feeling as if my whole world was closing in on me. I was in SUCH despair. If it were not for my faith in God, I would have committed suicide. (Satan was whispering it to me a lot!)

Finally, I just threw up my hands and cried out to God.

Without going into details here (yet), I can tell you that God answered my prayers and moved a big old mountain out of my way. He not only moved the mountain, He picked me up and carried me past where it had been. One day soon, I will go into detail. For now, I am just thanking and praising the Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

You can laugh, scoff, call me gullible - I don't care. I can tell you this:

I serve an awesome, mighty, loving Father God!!!


Peace
--Free

Communi-fusion!

I need to know that I am not the only one who has this problem:

There is someone very close to me (the closest of anyone in the world), but we have the hardest time communicating.

When we talk and I say one thing, it's as though this person hears something completely different. I'm not sure if they really are NOT understanding me, or if they CHOOSE not to understand me.

I can say on Monday, "The sun is shining." On Tuesday, when it's raining, I can say, "It's raining today." On Thursday, another sunny day, when we are having an argument about the weather, and I say, "The sun is shining again," this person will say, "See, you lie. You said it was raining."

Huh?

Then we get into a worse argument because I find myself frustrated, trying to explain that I'm NOT lying when I say it's nice TODAY, but that it was raining on Tuesday. This person will go on and on about the time I did say it was raining. In the end, I start to feel like, well, damn, I MUST be lying because the person is right - I DID say at some point that it was raining and now here I am saying that the sun is shining...

Yeah.

I'm in Hell.

How do you fix such broken communication? How do you even START to fix it when those are the kinds of conversations that happen? (OK, the conversations are not really about the weather, but you know what I mean.)

It wasn't always like this. It just seems that when this person gets under the least bit of stress, wires get crossed and this is how we end up discussing anything.

I really, really need to figure out a solution to this. I've prayed about it, read books about it, and searched every way I can think of to communicate differently. Nothing has worked.

Anybody else ever deal with this kind of situation? Got any advice? And don't tell me to just walk away from this person. I can't. I love them too much. I just need to know how to deal with this or correct it so that I don't end up going nuts!

**SIGH**

Peace
--Free