Almost Over Facebook

Why?
Truly, I really am just about over Facebook. There's really only two reasons that I can blame of Facebook itself:

1- Too many changes, no stability.
2 - The whole privacy issue thing

Everything else that bothers me about Facebook is my own fault. For one thing, I have let my "friend" list get way out of control. One of the reasons I participate in social networks is to, well, network. I'm not talking anything fancy, but I like the exchange of ideas and information. I get that from Twitter, but there's that whole 140-character limit thing...

Twitter
The best thing about Twitter is the constant interaction. You can always find someone who shares your interests. There's very little dead weight and if there is, you can easily pare down your list. I currently "follow" 1431 people (or groups) on Twitter and I have 1737 following me. Here's how that breaks down:

Tweeters I interact with on regular basis (such as group meets, Bible study, She Speaks,  Vocal Point, etc) 100-200 (sometimes more, depending on attendance or a Twitter "party").

Interact with 1-on-1 on regular basis (Twitter stream and  DMs) 100 - 150
Interact with via DM and email on constant basis 20-25
Interact with on semi-regular basis (outside Twitter stream) 10-15
No interaction or rarely on Twitter stream 30-45

Another big Twitter plus: I can put out a prayer request and immediately have at least 20 to 30 folks respond.

Facebook
I know I'm not the only one having fits over all the changes on Facebook. The privacy and issues of instability is Facebook's fault. It's my own fault that I don't enjoy the interaction (or lack of). For one thing, I let my "friends" list get out of control. On Twitter, I pick people based on interests and ideas and common intellect. On Facebook, I picked family, friends, acquaintances, fellow gamers... I pretty much approved anyone who sent a request. As of today, I have 202 "friends" and here's how that list breaks down:

People I know personally, am related to 81
People I know, but haven't seen for years (but we interact) 7
Ditto (but we don't interact) 41
People who are rarely or never even ON facebook 72
People I only know online, but communicate with regularly 5
People who actually talk about something other than what they ate or where they checked in at 9
People I have no idea who they are at all 11
People I only have on my list because of the games 12

There's a lot of dead weight. Out of 202 "friends," I get very little or no interaction. Unlike Twitter, I'm networking with people who are not in my life area: I don't party, curse or talk about a lot of the things I dis before I committed to Christ. Most of my posts or "shares" are news stories (because that's a big interest) or of Christian and social interests. Don't get me wrong - I love my friends and family, but most of them are not the most conservative of folks...

The Switchover
 I have been looking around for something more expansive than Twitter and more substantial than Facebook. I've signed up for an invite to Diaspora (which might be a little over my head) and I very recently set up my Google+ profile.  My dream is to somehow have the best of Twitter, Facebook and my blog communities. It's going to be hard to leave Facebook, though. Problems and all, it's still the first place where I was able to have all the family "together."

Google+
The thing I like about Google+ (so far) is that I can set up "circles" of  friends. It seems much easier than the lists on Facebook. One of the first things I've done is designate circles to keep everyone in their own little realm. Now I have to figure out how to add the FB, Twitter and Blog folk I want to keep. Other than family, there are only about 7 people I'm taking from Facebook. Twitter is going to be more complicated.

The one downside I can think of is that I'm not sure how many people use Google services. I've used Google for around 5 or 6 years - for my blogs, mail and the many other services they've had - but I don't know a whole lot of people with even Gmail. Hmm... Gonna have to think on that.

So... I will hopefully be able to shut down my FB account sometime in the very near future. Pretty sure I will go through withdrawals. In that case, I'll just open another FB account and keep the friends' list on the quality-not-quantity side.

Peace
--Free

You Don't Have to Like It...

(This was originally posted at my Friend or Faux blog. That blog is newer than this one and, probably because of the religious nature, does not get as many visitors as this one. SO... I am sharing this particular post here.)

This is not for non-believers. This is strictly for Christians - and not those who just call themselves Christian, but for the ones who truly desire to live what they claim. (Non-believers won't like it, but they don't really care, right? And "pick-and-choose" Christians will probably choose to ignore it.) By the way, this post is a result of talking to people I care about who choose to ignore some of the things I am discussing.

You don't have to like it, but you might want to pray about it:

• Practicing Yoga is not for the Christian. I have family members who practice it and I want to say they do it out of ignorance or being fashionable. Some have been led to believe it is okay because of bad teaching. I was stunned to realize that there is something out there called "Christian Yoga." Whatever the reason, I have warned them about it. Not sure if they appreciated my warning, but they might want to pray about it. For everyone else, here is one reference to examine and here is another. Now, go talk to God about it.
• What you listen to, watch  and do does affect your life. I had a real hard struggle in giving up listening to music and comedy that had foul language and shady references to Christianity. When I started weeding out things for the language, that was almost all of it. As a Spirit-filled Christian, why would I want to be bombarded with crude references to women, sex and life?  Or listen to someone brag on and glorify their material pursuits or criminal activities?  Then, when I looked at the lifestyles of the people producing this "entertainment" or diversion, I had to ask why I would support or encourage them. What exactly are they diverting my attention to?  My  own current battle: I have a nasty tobacco smoking habit that I am struggling to quit. Not only is it bad for my physical health, but it's a weapon the Enemy can use against me when I am trying to witness to others. My doctor has started me on a new medication to help me in my quest to quit.
• Prayer is central to the Christian life. Reading and studying the Bible is central to the Christian life. I know many Christians who are first in the line going into the church on Sundays but they war against the very gospel because they don't pray or read the Bible. They believe what they want to believe or what the world tells them to believe, but when a fellow Christian tells them something, they react from their feelings. What they should do is learn to listen, then go to the Bible prayerfully to see what the Lord wants. In other words, get prayerful and seek Christ on something before you get mad. This was a hard thing for me to learn. When I had things pointed out to me - like my cursing and smoking and entertainment choices - my reaction was either to get defensive or point a finger back at the person telling me I was falling into a trap. When I learned to pray about things and really take a look at what they were telling me, most times I had to agree that they were right. Doesn't mean I changed what I was doing right away, but I was convicted by truth. 
• Sin will either feel good or it will feel bad. Either way, its effects and consequences are always bad. 

Finally, before you get on a huff and start telling me it isn't my business what you do, I am doing this out of love and out of what the Bible teaches:

But instead warn (admonish, urge, and encourage) one another every day, as long as it is called Today, that none of you may be hardened [into settled rebellion] by the deceitfulness of sin [by the fraudulence, the stratagem, the trickery which the delusive glamor of his sin may play on him]. (Heb 3:13, Amplified)

You don't have to like it and I don't either. I just feel like I needed to warn you. The Bible tells us in Proverbs 9:8 that a "scorner" will hate you for it, but a wise man will love you. (And, yes, there is a difference between "judging" and rebuking, warning or correcting.)

Happy-Happy, Joy-Joy

This is going to be happy post. A buddy of mine has demanded that it be. (If you make it to the end, there is a reward of sorts!)

The other day I was in a really snotty mood (part Sarc & part human button-pushers) and after my pal let me vent, she suggested that I fight the blues with some joy.

"You know what?" she said, "Sometimes people aren't out to ruin your day. They just do and say normal things that seem irritating because of the mood you're in."

Good logic.

"So why don't you - when someone says or does something that makes you feel mad or hurt or whatever - why don't you just think of a blessing?"

For some reason her advice sounded familiar.

"I happen to know that it works," she continued. "A really good friend of mine taught me the trick."

Oh. Yeah. I remembered telling her the same thing once.

So, I've been taking my boomeranged advice and it does work. Sometimes, if the Sarc has my mind fuzzy, I just say, "Thank You, Jesus." It's something I usually say when I'm feeling good, but it's even better to remember giving thanks when I feel not so good.

When I reported back to my friend how this was working out, she suggested that when I just feel frustrated with life in general, I should think humorous thoughts. Now, even though I have a blog dedicated to humor, I thought I'd share some short & funny pieces here. We all deserve to smile sometimes. Enjoy!

*****

*Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
*Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
*The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
 (credit to these folks)


*I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
*Alcohol never solved any problems, for anyone... but then again, neither has milk.
*I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here
*Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
(credit to these folks) 

*I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don’t like to interrupt her.

*I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order, LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE.

*A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

(credit to these folks)

Peace

--Free

Me + My Hair = ?

I am thinking it might be time to cut my hair off. I've been hanging into the parts that the medicine hasn't taken out yet, but I'm finding more and more thinning patches.

This is another blow to my already flagging mood. I know that it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's just hair, right? And someday it will (probably) grow back. And, even if it doesn't, I shouldn't be that vain. I should just be thankful for all my serious blessings - not sitting here grousing about hair.

But, in the meantime, it's the last physical thing that seems normal about me. With all the rest of my life in a mess, I have my body morphing into a perpetually pregnant shape, my face all chipmunk-y. Add the back aches, leg aches and red-itchy-swollen eyes... All I have left is what's left of my hair. (If I comb it just right, it's hard to tell that parts are missing.)

It doesn't really matter though. Tell the truth, most of the time I don't have the energy to deal with it. Takes too much time to fix it so that it looks normal. I have so little left on the sides that it looks shaved.

It's just hair though. I should be ashamed for even thinking about it. My blessings are too numerous and the sufferings of others are too deep for me to be worried about my hair.

It's just hair.

Peace
--Free

One Hand and the Other

 I've posted here or on another of my blogs about how a friend of mine is battling cancer. One of the things that came up in a conversation she and I had was how everyone wants to see Jesus but nobody wants to die. We were talking about eternity, but the same thing applies to our daily lives.

We Christians want to see Heaven, but don't want to die to the things we enjoy  here on earth. I see so many family and friends hanging on to sin with one hand and reaching out to Jesus with the other. The Bible tells us to resist the devil and  he will flee. Oftentimes, we'd rather resist the gospel to hang on to some things of the world.

For a long time I did the same thing. I held on to some things because I didn't no better, but even when I learned better, I didn't want to really let go. I wanted to find some kind of biblical "loophole" that would allow me to ease my conscience. I had to learn to listen to more mature Christian brothers and sisters who would lead me to Scriptures about specific things. It was hard. I was resisting the gospel. Who knows what else I am doing in ignorance?

I had more than one person rebuke me about astrology and following horoscopes. A ministry about the music industry opened my eyes to tactics used in entertainment.  I had a heavy interest in the paranormal and the occult and was hooked on shows that featured hauntings and occult experiences. I had never really looked at or understood what the Bible had to say about this (Deuteronomy and Isaiah).  Thank the Holy Spirit for opening my eyes to some of these things.

What are some of the things you are hanging on to? Are they material things, attitudes, a way of life, expectations...? When we call ourselves "Christians" and still practice certain things, we are not being a good representative of Christ or the gospel. We may even be misleading other Christians into thinking that something is okay.

When I struggle with choosing the Lord over worldly things, I often think about the rich young ruler in the Bible. If he had not been rich and had nothing worldly to give up, choosing to follow Jesus would have been easier. I think that this is obviously true for all of us.

I was in communication recently with a young woman I know. She questioned my opinion that Yoga is not for Christians. I don't know if she is a Christian or not,  but one thing she said stuck with me. She mentioned that she has been practicing Yoga for fifteen years. When we put a lot of time or effort into something, we don't want to give it up. If this lady is a Christian, this will be a struggle for her.

Another friend of mine used to be a heavy partier and recreational drug user before she came to Christ. Though she had not been an alcoholic, she won't touch alcohol at all now because it reminds her of her past. She had to give up everything that tied her to that old life.

For some people, their struggle is with money or material possessions. Maybe they made their money illegally or gained their possessions immorally. How difficult would it be for, say, a drug dealer to give up the cars and homes they gained through criminal activity? What if doing that meant being dirt poor and having to start all over?

For some people, the struggle may be with giving up a lifestyle. How does someone who has gained all their esteem from being beautiful or exploiting their  physical attributes give up the vanity? (I now think of the lady named Gretchen on Real Housewives of Orange Country. In opening credits, she says "God is my savior, my husband is my king, and my body, it's sinful." At one point she did a "sexy" modeling shoot for her line of seductive clothing. Like so many people today, her sexy image is a huge part of her identity.

The point is that we all have weaknesses that the Enemy can use to keep us from being the most effective witnesses to the gospel. We need to learn where we are vulnerable and then work at giving those things up. We need to start resisting Satan and  not the gospel.

Let me end by adding this: I think that the Enemy loves to use us against each other. Most often, when someone tries to warn me of some spiritual danger, I don't immediately react with gratitude.  Usually, I am a little resentful and I either challenge them to show me where Scripture agrees with them (and we do need to always consult the Bible), or I disbelieve them completely. Sometimes, I try to point out that what I am doing is harmless since I don't take it seriously. I am learning to just  listen, check Scripture and pray on everything. If the Enemy had his way, every discussion would turn into bullying, resentment and just a general falling-out among believers.

5 Things A Married Woman Should Consider

When I did a post a couple years back on 6 Things Women (I) Want, I didn't follow up with a post for the ladies. Here it is now. In it I am speaking to Christians who went or are going into marriage as the Bible teaches. I realize that many couples are like I was and entered marriages that were broken before they were made. These things I mention are what I would have considered had my situation been better. If not for the abuse in my marriage, I would have considered these things before separating. I hope this post is a blessing to others.

Pride - Not worldly pride, but loving pride, if you can call it that. Whatever you call it, it's what will make you present your best to the world as a man's woman. It's what will make you want to represent yourself well as a Christian and married woman. Comb your hair, clean your clothes, keep your home clean. Keep your words clean. No Christian woman needs to be known for her ability to curse well, talk loud or cut someone down.

Hardworking - Don't be that woman who thinks being pampered is a ticket to laziness. If you both work outside the home, you both still have a home to care for. Take the time to prepare his meals, do his laundry and make the home nice. His job is to the the "man stuff" (and don't let the world trip you up with talk of sexism), your job is to do the "lady stuff." What's wrong with having feminine and masculine roles? If you want to start buying into what the world says about sexism gender roles, just look at where it's gotten us. If you are the sole breadwinner and there is no reason why he shouldn't be helping out, then something is wrong already.

Respect -  For your husband as your husband, a man, and a father. The world might not respect him, but he's not married to the world. Don't emasculate him. Don't parent him. Don't manipulate him. Don't try to rule over and be the "head" in the marriage.

Be his wife- You are not his "old lady" or "current thing," you are his wife. You are joined as one flesh. Don't live your marriage as if it is a temporary situation. You are married to him and not to anyone else. Your goal should not be to attract other men because you have the only man you need to be concerned with. I heard one minister remark that many woman make church leaders their "daddy" or "father." He is so right when he points out that this is disrespectful to a woman's husband and that it's not biblical. You are not married to your pastor, bishop, reverend or whoever. Your husband is your head in your home and family.

Be Feminine -  Again, don't listen to what the world says about gender roles. Assuming the man married you because you are a woman, be a woman and let him be a man. Don't try to take on his duties in the home. If he can't do something well at first, he can learn. He can't learn if you are always taking over and doing them for him. Be womanly and desirable to him. If his heart is right with the Lord, he won't take advantage or abuse that situation.

2Wives, be subject (be submissive and adapt yourselves) to your own husbands as [a service] to the Lord.    ²³For the husband is head of the wife as Christ is the Head of the church, Himself the Savior of [His] body. ²⁴As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands.
    ²⁵Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, ²⁶So that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word, ²⁷That He might present the church to Himself in glorious splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such things [that she might be holy and faultless]. ²⁸Even so husbands should love their wives as [being in a sense] their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. ²⁹For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and carefully protects and cherishes it, as Christ does the church, ³⁰Because we are members (parts) of His body.
    31For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32This mystery is very great, but I speak concerning [the relation of] Christ and the church. 33However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [[a]that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and [b]that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly]. Eph 5:22-33

Peace
--Free

FLASHBACK: 6 Things Women (I) Want In A Man

Looking back on posts I did prior to renewing my commitment to Christ, I see so much that I would like to amend. I will be doing that in a series of "Flashback" post.

I did one post a couple years ago called "6 Things Women (I) Want In A Man." I really don't want to change much about it except to advice readers to look at Ephesians5 and add a couple of points:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, (Eph 5:22-33 ESV)

 Be someone she can submit to and feel safe in doing so.

Be the head without being big-headed.

Love her as Christ loves us.

When I wrote the original post, I don't think I followed up on my promise to do a post for the ladies. That's coming up!

In My Sarc Shoes

You know that old saying about walking a mile in someone's shoes, right? Well, I'm learning what it is to walk a mile in the shoes of someone with a chronic illness.

I wasn't going to post about it because I've been trying to be all "keep your head up" about it. When a Twitter friend asked me about how I was doing, I almost gave the usual polite response until it dawned on me that speaking up might help others. I have run across other blogs and forums where people have spoken up about their experience with Sarc and that's helped me. So, my turn.

When I was first diagnosed I was told how rare Sarcoidosis is supposed to be, but within weeks of telling people I had it, I found out about 3 people in my area who also have it. One person is a guy I used to work with, another is an acquaintance of his and still another is a member of a family I am fairly close to. Later I learned that possibly tens of thousands of people in the U.S. alone may suffer from it.

There's no relief in knowing that I am not alone or part of some minority. It would be easier, I think, to have some disease that's more well-known - both for the treatment and the understanding. What's most frustrating about dealing with the effects of Sarc is that no one seems to really understand what it feels like. If I had, say, diabetes or had suffered a stroke, at least people could empathize when I described a symptom. In the case of Sarc even I don't know all the symptoms so I'm constantly worried.

The other day I just went into the bathroom and cried for half an hour. Why? Well, let's see, my back aches and I don't know why. My eyes feel swollen and itchy and sometimes are red for hours. And I don't know why. When I walk for any amount of time, my legs get tired and heavy and I'm worn out like I've run a marathon. And I don't know why. I break out into sweats at any given moment. And I don't know why. Worst of all, my brain seems to go on hiatus at various times, making me feel completely stupid and incompetent. And I don't know why. I feel so cranky all the time. And I don't know why. I feel great for a time and then fatigue slams into me like a wall. And I don't know why. Parts of my face, arms and legs go numb for whatever reason... Don't even get me started on what the medication does to me. The prednisone has me swollen to 40-plus pounds over my usual weight. The methrotrexate has my hair dry and falling out. My cuticles are dry, cracky and they hurt to touch anything.

I'm only 50 years old. I feel some days as if I am going on 80.

My best comfort has been in talking with the guy I used to work with. I find myself calling him up or texting him to ask ridiculous things like "Do you get the really horrible back ache for no reason?" Or, "This sounds crazy, but do you lose your train of thought right in the middle of doing something?" And I can't tell you how relieved I feel when he can say that the same thing happens to him. With other people, I don't think they take serious how scared it makes me feel. They care but they don't understand. How can they when I don't understand it either.

So, I am walking that mile. And it's so hard. It's hard not to feel sorry for myself. It's hard not to be upset at people who just seem to be clueless about how I feel.

That's all the bad stuff. Now, the blessings:

I know that God has a plan. He's never let me go through anything without a lesson. So, what have I learned or gotten out of this nightmare of Sarc?

I have been humbled, which is never a bad thing! I have gained compassion for anyone dealing with an illness or some other situation out of their control. I have been forced to do more praying and thinking and sitting still. I have received kindness and support from unlikely sources. I have learned to appreciate the things I can still do.

Most of all, I appreciate being humbled. One of my sins was my ego. It was easy for me to look at a person who didn't have what I had or wasn't able to do what I could do and dismiss them. I'd shrug them off as not worthy. I didn't consider what might have brought them to the place they were at and was holding them there. Now I understand that, for all I knew, God might have been working on them the way He is working on me. I've learned not to try to be all-knowing about people and their situation. I've learned that I am not as wise as I might like to think! lol

God has had to break me to make me.

Whew! I think I feel better getting all that off my chest. In the meantime, I hope that my Christian brothers and sister will pray for me. Pray that God's will be done.

Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance.
    And endurance (fortitude) develops maturity of character (approved faith and tried integrity). And character [of this sort] produces [the habit of] joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation.
    Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us. (Romans 5:3-5)


Peace
--Free

Getting Back In Shape

Sooo... I am on this "diet." LOL

After going from 145 pounds in July up to 185 now, my doctors have lowered the dose of steroids they have me taking. Maybe now I can start losing some of this weight I've put on. Not for vanity sake, but just so that I can get around better, feel more comfortable and, hopefully, get rid of the awful backaches I've been having. My little old frame just was not built to carry this much flesh!

I'm not really doing a specific diet, just keeping things to moderate levels. My main intake consists of cereals, oatmeal and yogurt. Oh, and coffee!

The yogurt has been the easiest to adjust to. I just take some plain Greek yogurt and mix in a little bit of some flavored yogurt. I can eat that several times a day, no problem. Oatmeal I also love, but it gets a little boring.

I'm really hoping that the pounds will come off now that the steroids are lowered. Man - I cannot even remember the days when I struggled to keep 120 pounds on myself! The days of sizes 0, 2 and 4 are LONG gone. I had to break down and get a pair of jeans the other day and I ended up with a size 14... The only thing loose are the legs of them.

But I am thankful. I am still here, not felled by this disease or some worse one. I am still able to voice my prayers to God, still able to see His holy Word, and still able to jump and shout in joy.

When I get past a lot of the physical stuff, I guess I will update the picture I use for my online presence. That one I have up is almost 8 years old, I think!

Keep me in your prayers, all.

Peace
--Free

Monday, February 06, 2006

February 6, 2006.

That was when I first started this blog. My FIRST blog. My very first post was "Introducing Free Being Free." I was about to leave Alaska and move to Arizona. My life was a scrambled puzzle and I was using the blog for comfort, advice, attention... Whatever.

I was such a different person then. Calling myself a Christian but not living like one. Lonely but not wanting to seek the right things in my life. I could have been settled, but I wasn't content.

If I could go back and do things differently, I would still have sold the house my sister and I owned, but I would not have gone to Arizona. I would not have ended up mixing family with business.  I would not have gotten married again.

Woulda, shoulda, coulda...

But who knows - my life might have been better as far as material things, but I might not have come this far in my walk with Christ. I think I needed the bad times and the heartache to get here. I needed to fall to my knees to call out to God. If that's it, then it's all been worth it.

I have to tell you, I thought about deleting some of the more revealing posts. I didn't like looking back at some parts of what I've gone through. Wanted to cover up a lot of the "old" me so that it wouldn't reflect badly on the reborn me. But, no. It's out there and maybe it needs to be. Maybe someone who is going through their own changes will be able to relate to it and use it to see what Christ can do to transform a life. Forgive me for the foul language and the worldly attitude of that "old" me.

So, still here. I am truly Free and I thank God for that.

Peace
--Free

Update on Newest Blog

Have finally come up with a name I like for the newest blog: Friend or Faux.

Feel free to check it out, but only if you really want to think about your Christian walk.

What Is Your Joy Based On?

(Wrote this on my phone the other day in the middle of waiting for a doctors' appointment. It was on my mind because of how I see so many people feign joy.)

Don't use what makes you happy to make someone else sad.

I know people who can never be happy unless they compare their joy with a negative in someone else's situation. If they get a new toy, it's not just a good toy, it's better than so-and-so's. If they accompliish something positive it's because they were smarter than someone else...

You know the type, maybe. They are ecstatic about some good fortune of theirs until they can't beat someone else over the head with it. You can almost see them deflate, their joy seeping out of them...

And it's not that their toy isn't better or that they weren't smarter - it's that their joy probably wouldn't exist without someone else's lack of joy. What kind of pleasure is that?

Joy should be, I think, a completely positive thing. If your joy is based on comparisms to what someone else is or has, then REAL joy will forever be out of your reach.

Only someone who is, at their inner self, unhappy needs this - call it Competition Joy or Showoff Joy. What will happen to them when others have more than them? Will they be able to find joy in their lives when they have no one else's situation to look down over?

No, joy should be what it is: just joy for itself. Joy in your best times and in your worst times. God-given and pure.

We should never focus on someone else's misfortune in order to see our own joy. My being able to fill my home with roses is nice, but not if I use it to point out the stink in someone else's home.

Just saying.

Peace

--Free

Man Worship?

When Steve Jobs died the other day, I wasn't too surprised at all the news and comments. He was kind of a big deal.

I was surprised when the news and comments kept going and going.

People on social networking sites were admitting to being depressed and "devastated" by the loss of this man. Someone on my twitter line spoke of going out "right now" to buy a black turtleneck. In spite of someone having died, I almost had to laugh at the silliness of it.

We saw this same thing with Michael Jackson. I'm sure we'll see it again when another "star" of the world passes. Just like with Michael Jackson, I was disturbed by the way so many people were reacting about the death of someone they don't personally know - other than his products. I hope that since so many people admired him, the Christians in that crowd had prayed for him all along to be saved.

What really got me was how many Christian people seemed to be in deep grieving. I see where pastors and other church leaders had to chime in and talk about his innovation and genius and contributions to society. Of the Christians, I didn't see where many brought up the fact that they hoped he died in salvation. (The man was a Buddhist, not a Christian.) I didn't hear a cry of hope that he had, at the last minute, accepted Christ. But I heard plenty about his "genius" and ability to anticipate tech needs...

Okay.

But just a thought: if a man like Steve Jobs - who, as it seems to be, was a very smart man but maybe not the nicest - could be worshiped like this, what would it take for us to worship anyone?

Maybe it's just me, but I have to wonder if the Antichrist came along, would we be so easily impressed? I mean, let him invent something better than the i-products and we'd probably fall down in a stupor of gratitude.

Yeah, I know, I'm being a little simplistic, but...

Watch yourselves, people. Don't be so quick to be blinded by the outer of a person that you don't pay attention to the inner.

By the way, out of all the accolades heaped upon Steve Jobs, I found this one article (so far) that takes a closer look at the man and the company. (And, yes, I can tell that the author is peeved that Jobs products provided a lockout on a lot of lascivious material - which I applaud!)

Peace
--Free

I Don't Like Change!

I've said it before and I'll probably say again the next time something happens:

I DON'T LIKE CHANGE!

I have someone in my family who just got a great opportunity to grow and spread her wings, so to speak. The only problem is: she has to leave the state to pursue this.

Booooo!

As you can tell, I am being so very mature about the whole thing. I can't help it. I don't like being apart from family - not even when they tap dance on my very last good nerve. I like having them around and close by.

I think I got this trait from my mother. She liked having her brood all around her. We always had big, full homes and holidays. When a crisis hit, we were mostly close by to all pull together. Good time and bad times, I remember lots of food, lots of family and just lots of love (or something like it).

*sigh*

I just had to get that off my chest. Matter of fact, I am procrastinating. I'm supposed to be over at this relative's house right now to help her get packed up for the move. Um, yeah. I'll get over there in a minute... LOL

So, change.

I'll go along with it (I have no choice), but I won't like it.

Peace
--Free

Not Here, Over There

LOL


I am trying to direct more attention to my other blog right now. It is still very new, but has lots of posts already. It's links to news stories with my commentary (and yours, if you want). I know that it would get more attention if it was about sex, drugs or rock and roll, but it's not. The blog is focused on the daily life of Christians living in and impacted by the world.


Check it out and spread the word. (I will continue posting here on Being Free also.)

Memories & Vision

I remember having a conversation with my sister and one of my brothers about which ability we would lose if we had to choose one.  My sister has already lost her legs and my brother is losing his voice. I think I said I just didn't want to lose my sight. At the time I didn't know about my impending sarcoidosis. How things change!

The sarcoidosis has really impacted my eyesight and my memory. I have to see an ophthalmologist soon to get a prognosis on my vision, but in the meantime, I am really having struggles with my memory.

I can't tell you how frustrating it is to have memory problems. I have one of those weekly pill sorters with slots for morning, noon, evening and bedtime. Believe me, I couldn't manage my meds without it. Yesterday, I had to call in some refills and, so, I left a couple of days worth of meds unsorted. Just a minute ago, I was taking my noon meds and could not remember if I'd taken my morning meds or not. I'm pretty sure I did sort the ones for today. I'm pretty sure that the reason I got confused is because I thought today was Friday and not Thursday... At any rate, this is just another one of those memory flubs.

Whenever I park in a lot, I hope the rows are numbered so I can remember where I left the car. Unless I take mental note of the row number and then forget! (I'm starting to write it down these days.)

There are so many times when I can't remember the smallest thing. I've been doing some sewing projects. If I stop to go to the bathroom, when I come back, I find myself looking to see where I sat the needle and thread.

Some days (or moments) are better than others. Sometimes I have no trouble remembering my phone number or zip code or year of the car I drive. Some days I do.

The most inconvenient thing is when I am driving to a familiar place and forget how to get there.

Going to the clinic where I have my appointments or to the kidney center where my sister gets treatment - these should be imprinted on my brain. I have had several instances when I start driving and get lost in my mind. I usually just keep driving until the memory of directions kicks in. I think the only reason I don't forget how to get to Walmart is that it's a straight shot! Unless I have to go the other location in a different part of town.

My eyesight is still decent. I have my glasses and they still work. I worry about the feeling of pressure behind my eyes though. If you've ever had your eyes dilated, you might be familiar with what I'm talking about: a tightness and a sense of muscle fatigue just around the area. I'm not sure I want to know what the eye doc is going to have to tell me.

*sigh*

So, eyesight or memory? Looks like I might be losing both.

Peace
--Free

Unseen Blessings

I was just thinking about the many blessings God grants us throughout our day that we don't even notice:

• The sickness we didn't get.
• The step we took and didn't fall.
• The car wreck we almost had.
• The money that didn't get delayed or lost in the mail when we really needed to have it.
• The job we didn't lose.
• The breath we did take!

See?

So many things that we missed and that could have just ruined our day or that could've changed our life. Things that did or didn't have to happen.

Whenever I have to take care of business and get a really helpful and courteous customer service rep, I make sure to let them know that I appreciate them. Sometimes, I report their good service to a higher up. I usually tease them that no one minds reporting bad service very few take time to report the good. That's they way it is with our blessings.


So often, we get rushed by everyday life and forget to stop and thank God for the times when he saved us from doing something stupid or dangerous or careless. Many times, we don't think about what He has saved us from going through.

The other day, I was checking my meager and dwindling funds and worrying about how broke I am. I am really living a little on the edge - what with doctors' bills, hospital bills, upcoming necessary medical tests, prescriptions... I don't know how I did it, but I kept going and going until I had really worked myself into a state of anxiety and despair! I was in the car, idling at a red light, with tears about to fall, and I looked over and saw a homeless -looking alcoholic. How much worse off are so many people, I thought. That poor man probably was estranged from friends and family, lost in his disease and maybe not even caring that he is in that awful situation. Yet, he was smiling.

Wow. The Devil is smart.

I shook myself and remembered all the blessings I do have. I had to remind myself that I was going to be sleeping in a bed that night, loved and surrounded by family. The bills aren't keeping me from getting at least some medical help. My disease doesn't have me living on the streets. Somehow, with the help of family and friends, I am able to get my prescriptions. I am not (for the most part, yet) out of my mind. I even had to remember that I was driving a car and not having to walk to where I needed to go.

Blessings too many to count!

But, see, one of the tricks of Satan is to keep us focused on what we think God isn't doing for us. What we need to remember is that, because we are His children, God knows us and our needs. He has seen the beginning and the end of our story. He has His reasons for what he does. (Now, we make trouble for ourselves at times, just by trying to go our own way! And, still, God forgives and loves us.)

So, the next time I feel sorry for myself, I hope I can remember how much I have to be thankful for. One day, this race will be over and we will be Home. For now, let's remember to count those unseen blessings.

Peace
--Free

Living Ourselves To Death

Life could be so much simpler than it is. Mankind seems to thrive on complicating things and creating chaos.

That's the thought that came to me while I was having to scurry to take care of some crucial business this morning. In a better world, I would have gotten up feeling rested and read my morning Bible verse with a prayer before getting on with my day. Instead, I woke up feeling overwhelmed and rushed.

We live in a world where everything is truly a race to be won. I think of it as "living ourselves to death."

You take something as simple as clothing. Clothing is there to cover our nakedness. Simple, except we don't see it that way. We've made an industry of it. You can't just cover yourself, you have to wear certain colors and textures to suit the occasion. Instead of all clothing being decent and acceptable overall, we've made it almost socially mandatory to wear certain things for certain occasions.

We can't just have transportation. We have to have a certain type of car or truck, in  a certain color (which changes from year to year like some kind of "fashion statement.") Even if you have a certain model, you might have the less desirable style... Really? Isn't the whole point of transportation is safely getting from one place to another? Why should it matter so much what kind of status or fashion statement we are making? It's so silly.

We humans are such strange creatures. We can't have anything without trying to up the ante.  We can't just have soap to be clean, healthy and less offensive. Couldn't stop there. Nope. We have to add other smells and additives. We don't want bodies that are simply clean. We have to have skin that feels one way or another. And in the end it's still just skin. With all the smells that add to lotions and soaps these days, I don't remember what a real piece of fruit or spice actually smells like if I haven't had it for a while. My nose is confused! LOL

Hair is just hair if you have it.  It covers the head. I don't know how we got to the point where we will sew it into our scalps, weave it onto what we already have, spend thousands of dollars and so much time into beating it into our will.

We have to make an industry out of everything.

I know that we need some of the things we have made. We want to be comfortable and clean and healthy, but we just have to take everything from the simple to the extreme to the silly.

We take everything & put man-made standards on it to complicate it, put out of reach of some or make it into a status symbol. We don't know how to be content and comfortable for long before we start dreaming up ways to give ourselves something else to worry about.

And the result of all of it? We create stress for ourselves. We create self-esteem issues. If you are too poor to keep up with certain "standards," or born with the odd color of skin or hair or body type, you end up in counseling and therapy.

The saddest thing is that we have forgotten how to put the brakes on. We get so caught up and carried away by the stream of social movement that we don't stop and wonder why. All the time and money and effort we waste on the silliest things would be better used in our being courteous to fellow human beings and good stewards of what we have.

We have forgotten to use our hearts as much as we have learned to use our heads.


We could just be simply living, but we invent ways to keep busy with being complicated. It's such a cycle of "enough is not enough."

A big effect of all this is that we adjust ourselves to the messes we make. For instance, instead of having people who are brutal, jerks, rude or dangerous meet a more decent standard, we just accept it and try to learn to protect ourselves from them. (And if you think people can't learn to be decent, just think of how easily they have learned to be the way they are. It's all in what is accepted and tolerated.)

We reward the wrong things. We reward the greedy and ruthless by calling them "ambitious" and "go-getters." We've stopped rewarding honest hard work because we'd rather reward anything that makes the most money.

We think of ourselves as being "modern," "progressive," and "forward thinking." We talk of looking to the future and "the next big thing." What we have forgotten is the simple pleasures in personal joy and contentment. I'm pretty sure that "contentment" is not a word that we want to think about if we have to give up "ambition."

Peace
--Free

Unanswered Prayers

Now that I am older, I tend to do a lot of reflecting on my life. I think back on things I've done or not done and can see now the results I live with. There are good things and bad things, but what I notice most are the results of unanswered prayers.

When I was young, I, like so many, hoped for shallow things: more money, better looks and popularity. I wanted to "grow up" to be well known and well liked. I had dreams of being a famous author. Of course, I had the fantasies about the very handsome husband, the large and amazing home, fabulous clothes and cars... Those were things that almost everyone I knew wanted.

These days, even though my finances and health are both in a fragile state, I have to just thank God that He didn't answer my greedy prayers! I don't know where I would be spiritually if I'd gotten all that I wanted. I don't think I would have grown in my faith and I'm pretty sure I would not be as thankful for what I do have.

When I look at people who did get what they wished for, I imagine that that's only a good life for the young who will live to make it out. But not all the young ones who do live that life make it out.

Had my prayers been answered, I might have had the material things while missing out on the grace of the Lord. So, when I reflect on what could have been, I have to think of Psalms 139, especially verses 13 through16.  He has known me and is with me through it all.

Those things I longed for and didn't get are just reminders of eternity. I would not trade my salvation for any of the comforts or luxury this world has to offer, though that's tempting sometimes. I have to remind myself that this world is not my home. I don't want to get too comfortable because my time here isn't promised from breath to breath. While I am here, I am praying for my family and friends - for everyone - to accept the Lord and hold out until we do get Home.

Peace
--Free

Marriage (wish I had known!)

I just threatened to write this post when I was doing the last one, so I might as well get it over with. It's not going to be a long post, but I wish I had seen something like it before I made the decision to get married.

I heard an awesome sermon on the subject recently. Basically, it was about what a wife should expect from a husband. (There is also one for what husbands should expect, but I'm a woman, so...!)

In a nutshell, a woman should expect a man to be a man. In the relationship, he should be the 3 P's: Provider, Protector and Priest. He should be her "covering" and he should take that seriously.

Pretty simple, right? Like I said, if I had ever thought of a husband in that way, I would have been so much more careful in my choices (and I would have gotten it right ONE time, not having to do it twice).

Part of my problem is that while I was a "believer" at a young age, I was not a "follower." That sounds weird, but, like a lot of people, I was a believer in words only. I was brought up "in church" so I just went along. I don't think that I was a sincere Christian until the last maybe 3 years. Unfortunately, I married inside that time. I was not praying over things in my life. I was still operating on feelings and moods.

If I had looked at my husband through the eyes of Scripture - or even looked at myself that way - there is no way I would have gotten married to him. But, again, I was making decisions based on my feelings and moods and wants.

So, for anyone out there looking to get married, you might want to remember to take it to the Lord in prayer before you make that lifetime commitment.


{NOTE: I can't remember exactly which of the sermons spoke of the husband and wife roles. I think it was this one, but, if not, feel free to listen to the others on this page until you run across it. All the sermons are excellent for Bible study and prayer.}

Peace
--Free

Passing Storms

Ah, how interesting life has been these past months (years?)

I've been on rough roads. Beaten down, in despair, depressed, ill, hurt... But through it all, God has been good.

I went to the doctor yesterday for my first major check up after getting this nasty sarcoidosis. That went very well: good tentative prognosis (yay!) and the clearance to go back to non-strenuous work. (And, trust me, I need to be able to work after all these medical bills!) Most of all, the medicines seem to be doing their job and I should only have to be on the 20mg of prednisone for another month or two. That the bill for that appointment nearly put me into heart failure is minor since I was able to pay it - again, thanks be to God. The fact that I can go back to work is another blessing, and the fact that I might possible actually have a job to go back to is even more of a blessing! (I've already contacted my former employer, don't ya know? LOL)

All of this is like having been in the middle of a really bad storm. Right now I feel like it's still raining, but I can see a clearing up ahead. I don't know when it's going to be clear again and maybe I'm living in storm territory, but I know that God will be with me. And I have learned things from what I've been through:

I've learned to be good to people who are going through their own storms. Not just being good to them in the way I'm comfortable being good to others, or in the way that I want to be good to them, but good in ways they need. It's easy to give to people what you don't want yourself, but to give where it might hurt just a little bit is a real deed.

I've learned to be more sensitive to people when they are down. To watch what I say and how I say it. To understand that no matter how down a person is or why they are down is not as important as it is to either say something useful or shut up. LOL. I haven't always realized (until I was so much on the receiving end) how easy it is to poor even just a little bit of salt into a person's wounds. You want to really hurt someone who is already down? Go ahead and talk a lot about what you have or what you are able to do. I've done that in my life, but now that I have sometimes been on the receiving end... Oh, but we do learn the hard way, don't we? And, no, I don't think that it's done on purpose. I think it's done out of either thoughtlessness or out of fear (as in, "Wow, hope I never end up like that!"). For whatever reason it's done, it still hurts.

I've learned to be as thankful in the bad times as in the good. It's like all the sayings: "Hard times builds character," and "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

I've learned that God didn't do this to me. The Devil didn't do this to me. My actions, decisions I made in life, and genetics did this to me. Maybe if I had considered God when I was doing things and making decisions, I would have done things differently (please see a future post on marriage!) and not had as much hardship. Because I didn't always pray first over major decisions and actions, I ended up having to pray to get through the consequences.

I've learned that life can turn on a dime. You can be well, fat and content one moment and have it all crash down on you the next moment. It only takes a heartbeat.

I've learned that God does love me. When I was at my lowest, I felt like I deserved to be unloved. I felt like I was worthless. Something in me, though, would always remind me that God loves me. That's what kept me sane.

So, there may be another storm coming. There may be storms for the rest of my life, but God always sends me a reminder of sunshine. One day, we believers will bask in His light. Any storm is worth going through for that.

Peace
--Free

Crisis of Faith

Since I got sick, I have suffered such a crisis of faith. The feeling of being abandoned by God. The feeling of spiritual emptiness. Oddly enough, I know that some of it was caused by the medicine I had to take, and since being on a lower dosage has helped, I have proof of the side effects.

At any rate, I was really struggling to cling to my faith the past several weeks. This morning I had the energy to search the internet for examples of others going through the same thing. If you google "crisis of faith," and scan the articles and blogs, you would be amazed at what you find. Apparently, even Mother Theresa struggled (for FIFTY years!) with this. Personally, not being Catholic, I can't relate to what Mother Theresa felt, but being Christian, with my whole belief being in salvation through the blood of Jesus alone, I can relate to a sermon I found.

I can truly say that this sermon blessed me this morning:  Lenten Series - The Seven Last Words My God, My God, Why Have You Forsaken Me?  I feel it was just the thing I needed. Bless the author! Even if you are not having a crisis of faith, I suggest you go over and check it out because it's such a reminder of what faith is.

The first thing that struck me is that I am not alone. I'm not the only Christian to be tested. Christ himself was tested! Somehow, I had forgotten all about how the Lord cried out from the cross about being forsaken. Being fully human, Jesus was able to feel what we feel and, at that time, he felt given up on. So who am I to feel different?

The second thing that struck me is that all this time, I have been focused on the darkness of my situation - or the Good Friday - when I was ignoring the hope and glory of the light - or Easter. (The author's words are so powerful: "Those were not his last words from the cross." Amen! Jesus' last words were that it was finished.

So, here and now, I may have to go through this human pain and suffering (and it won't be easy; in fact, it may get worse), but one day, when I leave this world, I get to go Home and be with Jesus. Maybe even while I am still here, I will be happy again, but I'm not supposed to be living for this "life." It is for my life in Heaven that I am waiting for.

While I was feeling sorry for myself, I had forgotten about all the other suffering people who have it as bad or worse than me. Think of the little starving babies you see who live in famine, people born into a living hell of war or disease; people who have never eaten like I have or lived in decent shelter. I had not thought of the absolute luxuries I once enjoyed while so many millions of people suffered every day of their lives.

So, this day, I am thankful for this crisis. This struggle I am going through is going to keep me praying and holding on with both hands to my faith and hope for what eternity has in store for me.


Peace
--Free

Attitude & Change

Attitude has a lot to do with life. The meds I am on have affected my attitude, which is why I am being dragged down by this apathy and low-lying depression. So... I am trying to fight back.

First off, I am taking advantage of any moment when I'm not feeling dragged down. When I have a moment like that, I grab it to get something done: clean, plan, exercise - whatever I can. Next, I am going to be talking to the doctor about alternatives to the meds I am on. If he can't adjust them or wean me off yet, then maybe he can give me something to counteract the effects. It's either that or I am going to have to look at being disabled and that's something I will fight hard.

So, this is my life. Funny how fast this all hit me. I still can't believe that just a couple of months ago, I was in a completely different place. I hope anyone who has been following the story is taking it as a warning. A warning to enjoy what comfort and peace you have before it all changes or veers off on a different path. Here are some lessons I have learned:

1. Don't get too comfortable with anything you have - not material things or the people in your life. Appreciate what you have, but be ready to lose it all.

2. Things change. Don't think that because you woke up this morning one way that you will be able to count on that every day.

3. Be prepared for the worst. Your finances, your health, anything that counts as "security" can all go up in smoke.

Actually, I guess all those are really about the same thing: not counting on things not to change. That's what I have learned, but I learned it the hard way.

Peace
--Free

Defined the Problem

 (Just found this blog, which I want to point out has great links. Thanks to Sarcoidosis Experience)


While I was texting a friend, I hit on what the problem is with the medication I am on for this sarcoidosis. All this time that I have been trying to desparately make everyone understand, I couldn't grasp the right word. I've got it: Apathy. (And because this blog is really my only journal of this nightmare I am going through, I wanted to get this down here before I lose any sense of needing to write it.)

This friend of mine - who has been so good to me while I've been sick - texted to invite me to get out of the house this weekend. When I finally got the energy to answer her back, all I could do was be honest and say that I can't do anything until I get over this medically induced apathy.

What a relief to be able to find the word. I've been struggling to put meaning to the way I've been feeling from the moment I started on the prednisone. When I look up references to side effects, I'm not surprised to see that apathy, depression, mood changes - all of that comes up.

This is sheer hell, you guys. When you know what your natural personality is but you can't reach it... I don't know what it is to feel like laughing, talking, being or doing. And I know it's the medicine - which I know I have to keep taking for at least another few weeks.

When I do finish with this stuff, I am going to be so thankful for every emotion, good or bad. Right now, all I can do is be awake or be asleep. My one sort of joy is to sit in the sun and listen to the sounds of the neighborhood. I can't work or really function. I am just in a state of healing limbo.

If you want to even try to know what I feel like, take just one minute and try to make yourself feel numb and empty. Like your whole being is on novacaine. That's what I feel like. I can't find anything to distract myself from the nothingness. I can't write (which is a whole other kind of hell for me) or even lose myself in my imagination.

So, yeah - apathy has got to be the right word. Complete and total.

Peace
--Free

State of Mind

Being hit with this illness has definitely changed my life. I think of not one thing the way I did before. It's as if this whole experience has been life-altering for me.

One of the things I think about a lot is death. I think about what it means to be alive and then to not be alive. One minute, you are just chugging along, doing your thing - working, eating, planning - and then, the next, you could just not be there. I also think about what we mean to each other as people. When I look at the people I love now, I try to imagine life without them. I can't help but think "What if?" - as in: what it they were taken away from me in the next breath, or what if I just don't see them again.

Another thing is that I appreciate things more. Ever since I got home from the hospital, I have been so glad for the good weather. All I want to do is sit in the sun and think about what a beautiful world God has given us. (I told my sister how glad I am that this happened to me in the summer and not during the winter. I think the darkness of winter along with the effects of the prednisone would have driven me past the edge of my mind.) I am hoping desparately that my medicine therapy is over before the sun goes away. I think that if I have the sunshine and warmth, I will be able to survive this.

Like I said, I don't think I will ever be the same after this. Maybe this was a lesson God wanted to teach me: to think more about the NOW of life. It's not like we don't all know that one day we will have to die, but I don't think we respect that fact.

Here is something that a friend of mine said to me recently about faith and death- after my sickness, her getting cancer, and her sister passing from cancer. We were talking about how strong her sister had been in her faith and how she died in her faith. My friend said this: "We all want to be with Jesus, but we don't want to die."

For me, that was so deep. It's true. I live my life loving Jesus and wanting to be with Him. I think about my mother and the people who have already died and how I one day want to see them again. We all want to go to Heaven, but we have to die to get there.

For right now, I want to appreciate life and living. I want to get through this illness and get back to being my old self. I want to be the person who could laugh myself sick at the silliest things, think up funny stories, be interesting and fun and happy. The medicine has stolen some of that - and I know it is the medicine - and I can't wait to get it back. I just want to be fully me again. I want to be inspired to write and talk and be someone that people enjoy being around.

Until I get through all this, I ask that you all keep me in your prayers. Try to be uplifting to each other. No one knows what another person is going through, so we all need to be encouraging.

Peace
--Free

Learning to Breathe

Three days out of the hospital and I am feeling a little more back on my feet. Feel a little more like I can think a little bit more clearly. Still not liking the steroids and the effects I can feel they are having on me.

When I think of what happened to me - all out of nowhere - I am so thankful to God. I could have been lying dead somewhere. What if I'd been driving and run someone over? What if I'd just been somewhere without my family and something had happened?

So many what it if's.

Instead, I ended up with this cruddy disease that I still don't understand, but I am alive and fighting.

I know that people automatically think the same things when they've had a close call with death or disease, but I have got to say it anyway: it makes you think.

The day I was released from the hospital, a friend's sister died of cancer. I didn't know this until I called to check in with my friend. Her sister had fought all the way to Stage Four cancer, and I had just spoken to her myself a few weeks ago. I had told her how wonderful it was that she was still fighting and that she sounded so good and strong while we were talking. She told me that she had put all her faith in the Lord and that He had healed her so far. She wasn't afraid to die. Her sister - my friend - is fighting the same type cancer right now.

When I was being diagnosed, one of the things the doctors had to do was a biopsy on tissue from my lung. That was to determine whether I had sarcoidosis or cancer. It was a horrible procedure that I had to be partly conscious for and I don't know what was worse: that or waiting for the result. Before I knew the result, I remember thinking about dying. I wasn't so much afraid as I was sad. I was sad that I'd be leaving family and friends, sad about things I had or had not done. I was curious about what it would be like to not be alive. I even wondered about how my dying would affect the doctors, nurses and staff I'd met while in the hospital. Mainly, I wondered if my dying would change anything for anyone in a deep way.

Now that I am home and just dealing with the fallout of the Sarc - the bills, what to do with my life and how to cope - I am going to try to enjoy as much of life as I can, worry about as little of it as possible, and be thankful to God for every breath. It took all of this for the Lord to teach me that happiness is an inside job.

Peace
--Free

Family Catchup

For the friends and family who heard I was sick and in hospital and no one really knew what was going on, here's the deal.

I got sick right after my birthday and landed myself in the hospital. Thank God for my family because I would not have gone without them bugging me.  I thought I was just just tired and stressed.

Long story short, I was walking around here, slurring words, tripping over my own two feet, being cranky and tired, etc, etc, etc... without knowing why. This went on for weeks and weeks and was getting worse until recently. I have been diagnosed with some crazy disease called Sarcoidosis. (Leave it to me to get something I can't pronounce. I call it Sarc.) That's what landed me in the hospital from July 4th through yesterday when I was was released. On top of that, the doctors (all of them amazing, by the way!) were getting my ridiculously high blood pressure under control.

Like about everything, there is both too much and not enough information out there about Sarc. I gave up trying to research it and am just paying attention to my doctors - who also admit being a little puzzled by Sarc. The one thing I want to get across to all of you is this: I had Sarc symptoms for a long time and I ignored them. I certainly had High Blood Pressure symptoms that I didn't manage. So, for all of you who are not taking care of yourself - please do. If nothing else, I could have been a lot of healthier these past several months!

I am home now and trying to get a grasp on what this disease and the symptoms mean for me. There is not a lot known about Sarc, but for me, everything just feels weird. I am having some trouble thinking and moving and my body feels a little alien. My eyesight, my movements - even my words and thoughts -  everything feels out of whack. Some of it, I'm sure, is just that I am overwhelmed. The medicines alone baffle me. (It took me 20 minutes to sort out which ones I was taking and when and why.) Right now, I am trying to figure out how this is going to affect the rest of my life. This is my first day out of hospital and facing it all.

Everyone pray for me. Pray that God touches on this disease and the symptoms to heal them. Pray that my blood pressure stays under control and that no more damage is done to this body.

Love,
Free

Laughing In The Rain

The secret to laughing in the rain is to be thankful for your umbrellas. Yeah, that sounds kind of Zen-corny, I know, but it's really true.

I used to let many things get me down, but in the past year or so, I've found that it's better to look at my blessings instead of my worries. For instance, I could be sad because I am nowhere near where I need to be at my age - not in finance, romance or in the normal cycle of life. Talk about being caught in the middle of a life storm... But I choose to be light and joyful because I look at all the umbrellas God has given me: good family, good friends, my physical senses. And I think of the fact that God KNEW to give me the specific family and friends He gave, because He knows they are what I need. (It's only passing-by funny that He could have given me riches, but I wouldn't have gotten the people I have.)

Anyway, my point here is that if I were sad, I'd be spreading that sadness, but God has given me joy that usually manages to shine outwards to others. Who knows what a smile and a sense of peace does for others just by being in the atmosphere? I think it matters.

So please pull out your umbrellas so that you can enjoy whatever the forecast is. Let your joy be good for someone else. Smile at each other, care enough for it to show and let your own attitude teach others how to laugh in their own storms.

(In a sidenote: Last night I thought I was dying. No kidding. Those who know me know that I have severe high blood pressure - it's one of the reasons that I am changing jobs until I get it under control - and I worry all the time about what it's doing to my body. Anyway, I happened to get a massive headache yesterday. This was no ordinary head pain; it got so bad that I couldn't walk for making it worse. I took painkillers and aspirin; I lay down, perfectly still, because any movement aggravated the pain. At about 2am, I started to think that I should wake up the fam or call 911. Finally, I thought that maybe I was just going to stroke out and die. Of course, I didn't die, but realized that I had forgotten to take a medication - which is a whole other story. So I took the med and within half an hour, headache went bye-bye. I have to tell you, though, that the thought of dying was not scary; the only sad thought I had was that I was leaving behind my fam. I've never been so close to dying - that I was aware of - and I am so thankful to God that because of Jesus, I now know that when the time comes for me to go Home, I won't be afraid.)

Peace
--Free

The Mind Is a Strange Place

I have the oddest thing happening to me & I wonder if anyone else has had it happen.

Two or three nights ago, I woke up out of  deep, deep sleep. I think I had been dreaming, but I can't remember what about. I woke up as if something was heavy on my mind, but I couldn't focus on what that was. When I'd sat there long enough to really wake up, I had this image in my head of a man. Seeing him in my mind gave me a feeling  of being puzzled and confused. I would feel that he was there to give me information or a message.

I had no idea who this man is. Just can't imagine where I ever saw him before. I didn't  know who he was, but - and this is also weird - I told my sister that (for some reason), I know his first name, but guessed at his last.

Now. I have solved the puzzle - just today - and this makes me wonder how the mind works.

Turns out that this man is not important to me personally and I never have met him. I have SEEN him in a normal passing.

What bothers me so much about this is that now that I know who the man is, there is no reason at all that he should have crossed my mind or interrupted my thoughts.

I'm going to right it off to stress and repression of some kind of memory. I just wonder about the human brain - my brain.

Peace
--Free

Spoken and Remembered

A person close to me (by blood) made a joke at my expense. A few years ago, I would have taken it to heart, but lately I've come to realize that people are one thing and do another. This particular person probably didn't mean to hurt me. I truly believe that the true motive wasn't hurting me, but making himself feel better. (And because I am such a sinner, I thought, "Okay, that's my gift to you. Once!" LOL)

Seriously though, the idea of ragging on someone to make yourself feel better stuck in my head. As I thought about it, I also thought about something else (sort of related, maybe not):

When we remember people - say at a funeral - we often don't really say out loud what we really remember about the person. We remember one thing, but say another - something more acceptable.

For instance, at funerals, we often tell only the best things about a person - how generous they were, how kind and caring, etc.  We will talk about the good times and the good things, but the whole time, what we are really thinking about are the hurts they caused, their pettiness, the way they cheated or lied or manipulated others. Of course, it would be wrong and disrespectful to the person's loved ones to do anything other than be kind when speaking of them. I guess that goes to the whole don't-speak-ill-of-the-dead and all that...

Here's the thing that came to my mind: I want to remembered as kindly as I will be spoken of. I don't want anyone to have to sugarcoat their words at my passing. If they are going to say that I was generous, then I don't want them - or anyone listening - to be remembering that my generosity had a motive. I don't want anyone speaking or listening to have subtitles going on about me. (In my case, if someone says that I was moody and cranky, I won't mind. That's true. I would like to think I have been "lovably cranky," but... hahaha) I guess I want to try to live so that I will be remembered for being true to my ways - the good and the bad. I don't want to be remembered as someone who tried killing someone's spirit or morale.

We all have faults, but too often, we try to show the world one personality while we are acting out as another. We want praise for things we haven't truly been. We want to be remembered for things we didn't do with our hearts. We should care more about whether or not we were truly faithful or generous or God-fearing than we should about whether people just thought we were.

And the thing is: often we aren't fooling anybody. If we were, all the good things spoken of about us would be true. God will know the truth.

This all makes me think of people who seem tall only because they are using someone else's misery as a stool. People who seem wealthy only  in comparison to another person's lack.  People who aren't happy with what they've got unless they can show that they have it. These are people who wouldn't be happy in Heaven where joy might be equal. Also, we need to pray for these folks because life here on earth must be - in their hearts - miserable. When I think of people, I wonder about the un-shed tears and the troubling restlessness no one knows about. I think about where I would be without God to touch my own faults and worries. How miserable I would be without His forgiveness, love and comfort. What is it that the Bible says about misery? People with these faults have got to be sadly miserable because of what they lust after for this world and for trying to impress people who cannot save their own souls.

Don't get me wrong - I am not excluding myself. I've craved temporary happiness with the purchase of a purse or piece of clothing. I've lusted after cars and houses and jewelry. Not always because I have wanted the item just because I liked it, but because I wanted what someone else had or didn't have. I wanted - even temporarily - people to look at me and feel a little envy. I think that's a very human weakness and sin. But I am going to ask the Lord to free me from it.

As always, whenever I hold up a mirror to someone's faults, mine become so much clearer. Maybe that's the way God intended it to be. I see a fault in someone else and realize I'm guilty too - and I don't want to be that way anymore.

Just a couple of thoughts I've had. I'm done now. LOL

Peace
--Free

I Just Wanna Be Free-eee!

Thank the Lord! The days are getting brighter, some of this nasty snow is melting, and it's not as freezing cold as it has been in past weeks. Maybe I shouldn't speak too soon, but I'm already checking out cute sandals and summer clothes!

The way I am feeling (most of the time) after the hell I have been through, I was going to add a vid of the Deniece Williams song "Free," but I remembered that it was all about some man. Hah! So...

Even though I'm not that into the whole secular music thing these days, I like the lyrics in this song:

Yep, I am going to be just fine. (Now if that sun would just come on out and warm things up around here! LOL)

Peace
--Free

Reflections

So... Life under maintenance, a new year started... It all got me to thinking back. I went through a bunch of my photos & thought I'd share the memories... (They are in no particular order. Blogger got goofy about what would upload and what would be rejected by server..???)

 (above) Interesting that I was taking a pic of myself, but don't look happy about it... BUT, notice I have hair! lol

My birthday in June 2010. La Mex. Went with the fam

So dang vain! LOL. At my "sis" Barb's last year, trying on clothes my big sis sent. I need to lose about 15lbs to get back to that size!

This is my niece & nephew a couple yrs ago when he was home from Iraq. I was in TX, but my AK fam made sure I got the pic

There's my niece Gabby! And I'll be danged if she ain't laughing. (Good, Gabby. Not so serious all the time!)

My sweet, sweet Rags-a-poo. I still miss my lil baby every single day

I guess I think I thought I was cute or something. This is in TX with my cousins around April/May I think.  L ast year.We took Lil Man out to try & fish. (All I can think about is that I had more hair on my head then!)

Ahh, my serious and beautiful niece Gabs. Around summer '09 I believe

Horrible pic, but, hey - you know how those bad-lit, self-shot bathroom photos are! LOL BUT check out the SHORT hair cut... Can't believe I did it. Looks a lot better in person & the stylist (Tanya @ Ebony & Ivory) was amazing!

Me & my nephew Dre. Summer of 2010. Man it was a gorgeous day!

La Mex on the birthday. (We look drunk but we aren't really) Cherie had had knee surgery & I was just a little bit blue...

(from left to right) Niece Gabby (being shy), my big sis & bestest friend, my beautiful Mommy and niece Cherie. Fam love, right there in a group!

Wow! This is me, like about 20 yrs ago. Loved that house of ours. Makes me cry to think we are living there anymore...

Ok, that was fun. Maybe I will do another post of pics soon.

Peace
--Free