Monday, March 27, 2006

Jitters

Now that most of the stuff is gone out of my house, I'm beginning to get an attack of the last-minute nerves... It looks so empty in here.

11 days til closing.

Instead of focusing on all the stuff I need to be getting done, I spend a lot of time having flashbacks on the times I've had in this house...

I remember the Christmas mornings (when Mom was here) where ALL the brothers, sister, nieces, nephews, adopted family - everybody, sometimes over 30 of us - were here to open gifts, cook, laugh, argue, and just have a blast. Thanksgivings, Easters, birthdays, graduations, new baby home-comings were all pretty much the same way. Those were the only times none of us minded cleaning up a kitchen after feeding 2 armies of people. (You know your life is blessed when you can have fun scrubbing pots with your folks!)

I remember laughing til I almost peed myself when a friend of ours slid under the car in the winter. Me and my sister & a couple of friends were heading out to lunch somewhere. This one friend, who is short anyway, went around to the driver's side, the rest us turned our heads for a second, and -BLOOP!- Hazel was gone. Just like that. We were all thinking of "Twilight Zone" excuses until we heard her laughing. She had slipped and slid right underneath the car - girl was like a mechanic on one of those roll-under things!

Good times.

And sad times, too.

The last time I saw my mother before she went into the hospital for the final time, she was sitting in her chair over by the fireplace. I worked a night-shift then. My sister was staying home with mom. I came in from work at about 7:30 that morning & when I came up the stairs, Mom was sitting in her chair, watching CNN or something. She looked over and said, "Hi, baby. You look really tired this morning." I was tired. I went straight to bed without giving her a kiss. When I got up later, she had gone to bed to rest because she was feeling "a little bad." When I got to work that night, I remember how thrilled I was that my class had been cancelled. I planned to spend the time catching up on desk work. A co-worker came by to chat & we were sitting there, griping about the long hours we worked when my phone rang. It was my niece. I needed to get to the hospital now. My friend locked up the building for me & I RACED to the hospital. I remember how kind other drivers were to move out the way when they heard my horn & saw my flashers. Mama never woke up.

Good time. Sad times. All in this house.

--Free

Words:
"My Father promised me salvation, not a life without troubles." (Free 3/2006)

13 comments:

  1. That can be so hard to let go. I had the same feelings about my Grandmother's house after she had passed it will never be the same. So many memories.

    Good luck on your new beginnings there will be many more great memories to come.

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  2. shenehneh: The new place is smaller, so we'll have to have the gatherings at somebody else's. I'm excited, girl. (Cept for the dating thing!)

    Thanks for the good wishes.

    peace

    ReplyDelete
  3. "Life can only move forwards, even if it only makes sense looking back"

    Moving on is what we do. It's how we learn, evolve and live. It's how we love too.

    Good luck with the move.

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  4. Gah! that was the wrong ID (an older one)..!! With no blogs on it. Now I have two!

    The quote is from "The First Four Minutes (circa, 1954) by Sir Roger Bannister. I read it on returning to running after I finished chemotherapy. I think it's a reasonably good philosophy. Looking back isn't so bad... but we can indeed only look forwards.

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  5. It's like leaving a whole lifetime behind you.The good thing is you can take memories and look forward to making many happy ones in your new house.

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  6. c a d-Adding to my reading list! (You'll be seeing the quote on this blog, bet ya that! - peace

    Abeni- You & c a d have given me the encouragement I need today. The jitters are fading & I'm getting excited again about the move. (Still - this place is empty. My writing chair is still here tho!!)

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  7. Oh FREE, this post is so filled with emotion. First I was LMAO (for real) at ya girl sliding under the car, then my heart skipped when I read about your mom. I'm so sorry. Sometimes the memories (good and bad) keep us grounded and give us strength to move on when change is necessary. Good luck ma!

    BTW, I must have missed it in your previous posts, but why are you selling?

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  8. girl, i don't know why this is, but that post made think, "black folks have never been the subject of a lifetime movie." let's try to flesh that out, just a good old family, love, life story but with brown people...

    ReplyDelete
  9. singlema:You missed the saga of my life??? lol

    Girl, I need to make a change so I'm headed to AZ.

    indigosoul: Lifetime movie... That's kinda fly.

    The whole reason I wanted to tell this story is because I don't want people to forget how strong the Black family & Black love used to be. (besides - this started with part of my own personal love story... sob!)

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  10. No, but I'll go back and read through your archives.

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  11. singlema Don't trust ALL my archives - I am a writer after all. That mess is 1/2 fact - 1/2 fiction. Even I can't keep track!! LOL

    Basically: I've been here in Alaska (off & on, more on than off) since the early 70's. Worked for FedEx & UPS for years, got tired, have had so many changes in my life that I'm dizzy. Got an offer from a family member that I could refuse (no, he's not a "Don") & figure a change'll do me good. (If I don't like it, oh well. I give it a couple of years. I can do anything for 2 years.) Now that most of my family is "stateside," I'm tired of being waaa-aay up here without all that luv around me. Time to be back with the tribe.

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  12. Girl! I'm trying to catch up on reading post and you are about to make me cry over here. Don't ever forget the good time and the bad times. They make you who you are today.

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  13. awe Free... nostalgia is something else. good and bad memories help shape our character. i believe good things for you in the AZ!

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