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Saturday, May 02, 2009

By a Thread

I don't know how many other married people go through this (a lot, I am sure), but right now my marriage is hanging on by a thread. A very slim and frayed thread.

Divorce is so ugly. The separation has been rough enough, but divorce (even thinking about it) sounds brutally painful.

How do you deal with maybe having to walk away from a person you so wanted to spend all the rest of your life with? How do you grieve that kind of loss? And, even if you survive, how do you ever think about trusting someone new?

I'm almost to the point of wanting to live my life alone. I mean, I have family and friends, so why do I need heartache? Why do I need to place my love in the hands of someone who takes it for granted? Why not just live, laugh and enjoy each moment as it comes and don't expect anything special from one specific person?

Marriage. Separation. Divorce. Failure.

I feel a little bitter right now, and flawed. Other people make it work. What am I doing wrong? How can someone claim to love me and need me & yet keep letting me down time and time again. You can't be weak and love someone fully. Love takes strength - or love gives you the strength you need... I don't know anymore. I really just don't know. Maybe all the other married people aren't any happier than I am. Maybe they all just settle for "it is what it is." I don't know. I wish someone could tell me.

1 comment:

  1. For to us a child is born [...] and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.Isaiah 9:6In those times of uncertainty and solitude (yes, a failing marriage can make you feel alone no matter how many friends you have or how big you family is) Jesus is the best marital therapist/counsellor that you can find. Beware of the advice givers (specially female friends -- no kidding here).

    Off topic (1): You look so cute in that picture.

    Off topic (2): I relate myself to your "black flamily in a white neighborhood" story. I'm a blue eyed blonde guy living in a black country (black->white racism is very strong down here).

    Off topic (3): By the way, my wife is a gorgeous black girl.

    Peace to your little heart.
    Strength to your mind.
    And kick those demons out of your life.

    Free II