Last night, I told my girlfriend that being single is confusing to me. For a while now I have been alone, but it's only lately that I feel lonely. I want to not be single, but I just cannot handle any drama. She says that if I am thinking about relationships, then I am probably ready to be in one. (Like that helps me out, right?) She suggested that I try looking at the pros and cons to being coupled up. (Not that I am legally un-coupled from my last mistake yet. And I'm not calling any future loves "mistakes." Let me just shut up and get on with the post...)
- It's nice to have an "other" in your life. Other than a friend, other than just a friend, other than someone you really only like.
- Being part of a couple is nice. I think that, deep inside, we all want to feel "claimed." (And don't give me that crap about how that sounds. Keep your opinions on that to yourselves; this is the blog where I get to spout mine.)
- Right now, I have the affection and friendship, but a deeper relationship brings in deeper and more meaningful things. You can only go deeper with the right person.
- I need a partner because I'm not freewheeling. Maybe because I have old-fashioned values, I like commitment. I like sharing trust and hope.
- I could just be all woman in my world - taking care of the female stuff on my life - and have him be the man. I am damn tired of worrying about shit like the crazy sounds the car is making, trying to get all my groceries from the car to the house, breaking something that I have no idea how to fix, arguing with asshole male salespeople... There are just some things that men handle better. (Again, swallow your opinions or rebut on your blog.)
- I'm not yet legally untangled. I don't know why I am procrastinating on that. There is a theory floating around that I am using my "marriage" as a barrier. Don't know.
- I don't like being a possession. For some reason, I have always gotten with men who end up wanting to smother me. Claiming me as your loved one does not mean chaining me as your property.
- There's that whole thing about families and friends. That is probably the worst part of getting into a relationship - you don't just get each other, nooo... You get drunk Uncle Earl and a cousin who has horrible table manners. And, trust me, you cannot hide the family forever. Those freaks come out at night and the daytime.
- There's that whole thing about the first time you burp in front of each other. It's rude and should be avoided, but it is eventually going to happen. You can't always hold off on some things. (Actually, there is an upside to this one: Once you get the first embarrassing "Oops, 'scuse me" over with, you're either seriously okay with each other or not.**)
- I have many flaws and one of them is that I am critical of other people's flaws. I'm such a short-sighted, selfish bitch sometimes. The things is, I always get past a lover's flaws, but it's a process. (Remember the old Ellen DeGeneres joke about getting irritated with a lover after an argument and thinking of his flaws? "So annoying. That breathing he does, in and out...")
- My feelings are tissue-paper thin. I want a partner who is honest and speaks his mind, but I hate getting used that.
- I don't know if there is a decent man who can put up with the total mess that I am. Like any woman, I can get a male, but it's tough to get a man. I've had the worst kind of male already, which is why he was able to put up with me; next to him, I was a super prize. Nope. I need a guy who can deal with my whole Seven Dwarves kind of personality: bitchy, witchy, touchy, fussy, moody, cranky and snide. Hell, now that I think about it, I'll be lucky to find a man who won't sit up at night trying to think of ways to kill me in my sleep.
You know what? Maybe I need to just hold off on a relationship for now. Looking over this list, I see that I need to just work on myself for a minute. Maybe I will use the solitude of the coming ice age that we call winter to do just that. (You think I am exaggerating, but, it feels like winter starts in October of one year and ends in June three years later.)
** Funny story about this kind of situation. A female friend of mine seems to get gas from just breathing. She spent the first year or so of her marriage blaming her "toots" on her old, sick dog. When the dog passed away, my friend would almost get ill trying to hold things in until her husband wasn't around. I don't know if she finally got honest about this - or maybe she's blaming the cat now. I don't know why we women are so repressed; my ex-husband used to fart in bed and hold my head under the sheets.