Last Email Funny. I Promise.

Okay - I promise not to make it a habit, but this has got to be the FUNNIEST thing I ever got in my email. If anybody knows who wrote it, please let me know so I can give credit. (After I laughed my butt off the first time I read this, I KEPT laughing all day every single time I thought about it. I was walking around Costco, getting tickled at inappropriate moments & had other customers about to report me to security. The story/joke reminds me of one about Alaska.)

(This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.)

Dear Diary: For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root canal or a vasectomy.

tags: Jokes Humor Laugh

Rude & Crude (but funny as heck!)

I got this in an email this morning. I don't usually read these types of mails - the first few lines make me want to tap the Delete key. For some reason, I read this one & I'm sorry, but all the "lady" went right out of me & I laughed my butt off. (I have no idea where it came from, so I hope I'm not stepping on toes here.)

Sometimes...
when you cry...
NO ONE sees your TEARS.

Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
NO ONE sees your HURT.

Sometimes...
when you are worried...
NO ONE sees your STRESS.

Sometimes...when you are happy...
NO ONE sees your SMILE.

*
*
*
*
*
But FART!!
just ONE time...

Don't front. You know you're laughing with me.

Jokes Humor

Sexiest Man List

I have to do this list, people. My niece and I have a big argument about once every six months about Brad Pitt. She thinks he is THE sexiest man alive. I don't get it. Never have. Maybe he's one of those people with a vibe you pick up on if you meet him in person. My niece had never met this man. She wears glasses, so maybe she's just needing a new pair (for the last 5 years!).

Anyway, she (my niece) and I have decided that the reason I don't find Brad Pitt sexy is because of a generational thing. I'm older, so I'm not feeling the whole Usher, Jay-Z, and most anybody with all that grill/gold crap in their mouths. Maybe.

So, back at my niece, here's my list of Sexiest Men (in no particular order):

1. Denzel. Of course. He's got that natural & easy kind of charisma. I hope I never meet him because I would probably embarass myself badly. Let that man flash that smile at me & watch the knees buckle... Down she goes. And I like the family-man thing he's got going (with a wife who is like a "real" person & not some plastic, Barbie-doll imitation of womanhood. Lucky, lucky her.)
2. Keanu Reeves. I don't know. Just something about a man who doesn't seem to pretend about anything. I like the look: handsome & flawed-not-airbrushed. He's got those wonderful eyes and a great smile. He doesn't seem fake & he doesn't seem to be trying to live up to or fit into all that celebrity b.s.
   
3. Will Smith. I don't know. He's got the silly, sexy, playful mix going on. And another family man (although I heard a disturbing rumor about a belief in "open" marriage...? That would ruin some of the fantasy for me, but...)
4. Puffy. Or Diddy. Or Daddy. What is he calling himself these days? ANYway. I like that combination of bad boy/smart. Let this man get a little bit older and settle down some - that's going to be hot.
5. Maurice White. Y'all know how I feel about Earth, Wind & Fire. I have loved Brother White since I was 14 or 15 years old. Broke my heart that I never got to see E,W & F in concert. Maurice has the wiseman vibe about him. He's so calm and proud of his Blackness. It's probably a good thing I never made it to a concert when I was so young. I might have done something undignified, like throw my draws up on the stage! But now that I'm older and calmer - I could love Maurice right. Black love, y'all. I'm on a roll.
6. Tyler Perry. Who doesn't love a writer? Plus, he's tall. That's just interesting to me.
7. Prince. Why? Have you heard this man sing "Adore?" Good mercy. Anybody that comes up with lyrics like that... I always did like his music, but he got even sexier to me when I heard him do Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me."
   
8. Steve Harvey. I LOVE this man. First of all, he cracks me up. Second, he kind of "country," like me. I just know he's a good time.
   
9. Babyface. He's really sexy, but he's too manicured for me to want to hang out with. I don't mind dolling up for a night out, but day-to-day, I'm a blue jeans, sandals, t-shirt gal. I don't do makeup and hair gel, so I probably would always feel way under-dressed around 'Face.
10. My former brother-in-law. Yeah, I was the kid sister, trailing around like a love-sick puppy whenever my sister's boyfriend came around. I was just a kid, but I just knew I was in love. It cracked my sister up to see me swooning whenever David came around. My sister is 10 years older than me (so is David), and by the time I was 12, I just knew that she'd stolen the man who was meant for me. When they got married, I was the flower girl. David kissed me on the cheek at the reception & I was in a mental time warp for the rest of the day. To this day, David is like family. Last time I talked to him, he called me "sweet pea." Ladies - there's nothing sexier than a man with a southern drawl calling you "sweet pea." Trust me.
    

So that's my list. I'm dying to hear back from the rest of you. Who's your "Sexiest?" (Supa, you KNOW I want your list! But you can't include the D.A. from your court days...) Maybe next time I'll have to do my "Un-sexiest" list. You know Brad Pitt's going to be at the top of that one.

--Free

Word & Music - all together tonight:
"I will love you anyway/even if you cannot stay..."
(Rufus - "Sweet Thing")

Tags:

Relationships
Sexiest
Men
Top 10

Jitters

Now that most of the stuff is gone out of my house, I'm beginning to get an attack of the last-minute nerves... It looks so empty in here.

11 days til closing.

Instead of focusing on all the stuff I need to be getting done, I spend a lot of time having flashbacks on the times I've had in this house...

I remember the Christmas mornings (when Mom was here) where ALL the brothers, sister, nieces, nephews, adopted family - everybody, sometimes over 30 of us - were here to open gifts, cook, laugh, argue, and just have a blast. Thanksgivings, Easters, birthdays, graduations, new baby home-comings were all pretty much the same way. Those were the only times none of us minded cleaning up a kitchen after feeding 2 armies of people. (You know your life is blessed when you can have fun scrubbing pots with your folks!)

I remember laughing til I almost peed myself when a friend of ours slid under the car in the winter. Me and my sister & a couple of friends were heading out to lunch somewhere. This one friend, who is short anyway, went around to the driver's side, the rest us turned our heads for a second, and -BLOOP!- Hazel was gone. Just like that. We were all thinking of "Twilight Zone" excuses until we heard her laughing. She had slipped and slid right underneath the car - girl was like a mechanic on one of those roll-under things!

Good times.

And sad times, too.

The last time I saw my mother before she went into the hospital for the final time, she was sitting in her chair over by the fireplace. I worked a night-shift then. My sister was staying home with mom. I came in from work at about 7:30 that morning & when I came up the stairs, Mom was sitting in her chair, watching CNN or something. She looked over and said, "Hi, baby. You look really tired this morning." I was tired. I went straight to bed without giving her a kiss. When I got up later, she had gone to bed to rest because she was feeling "a little bad." When I got to work that night, I remember how thrilled I was that my class had been cancelled. I planned to spend the time catching up on desk work. A co-worker came by to chat & we were sitting there, griping about the long hours we worked when my phone rang. It was my niece. I needed to get to the hospital now. My friend locked up the building for me & I RACED to the hospital. I remember how kind other drivers were to move out the way when they heard my horn & saw my flashers. Mama never woke up.

Good time. Sad times. All in this house.

--Free

Words:
"My Father promised me salvation, not a life without troubles." (Free 3/2006)

Memories

For Marie

This is just something I wrote for a friend named Marie. She is suffering from senile dementia - which seems so much like Alzheimer's disease. I was thinking about how once I leave the state, I will probably never see Marie alive again. She is an Inupiat Eskimo & she taught me almost everything I know about Native Alaskans (which is a lot like being Black American).

Marie

She calls me

and leaves messages

on the phone

She calls to cry

saying she is all alone

I don't care

and I don't know

how she feels afraid

to let go

Her mind that once

thought up stories

and dreamed my life

it's now all gone

where the illness is rife

Some days she laughs

and seems okay

But then the smile fades

and the joy goes away

Where is she

I wonder

when she's not here

What is her mind

when it's not clear

How will she

ever be free

How do I let go

when she's already left me

Out for a minute

I'm taking a little minute off. I'm going to put some serious time in on my manuscript while I have a rush of ideas. Might be a short minute or a long one. But you know me, tho - I might be back with another post tonight.

Right now, I'm trying to figure out how to leave the survey I took a minute ago! (Thanks Soulfull)

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	"Free," "Penny," "Hey you!"
Birthday:	June
Birthplace:	Texas
Current Location:	Winter Wonderland
Eye Color:	Dark brown
Hair Color:	Brown w/hi-lites from sun
Height:	5'5"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
The Shoes You Wore Today:	house-slippers and boots
Your Weakness:	Bedroom eyes
Your Fears:	That I have too many fears!
Your Perfect Pizza:	Greek-style chicken and garlic
Your Most Overused Phrase On an IM:	"Hugs"
Thoughts First Waking Up:	"Was it just a dream?"
Your Best Physical Feature:	Eyes
Your Bedtime:	Really late or really early
Your Most Missed Memory:	My dad singing "My Girl" to me
Pepsi or Coke:	Neither - I'ma Pepper, baby!
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Fries from McD's/Burger from the King
Single or Group Dates:	Either. As long as the company is good.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Lipton Green
Chocolate or Vanilla:	What's vanilla?
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Coffee
Do you Smoke:	Yep... tsk, tsk, tsk...
Do you Swear:	Like a hussy, sometimes
Do you Sing:	Badly & loudly
Do you Shower Daily:	Nope - I like a bath every now & then
Have you Been in Love:	Always
Do you want to go to College:	No
Do you want to get Married:	Depends on the guy
Do you belive in yourself:	Absolutely
Do you get Motion Sickness:	No
Do you think you are Attractive:	Certainly do
Are you a Health Freak:	Surprisingly, yes (smoking aside)
Do you get along with your Parents:	Yes
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Yes
Do you play an Instrument:	Air guitar, keyboard, drums...
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Yep
In the past month have you Smoked:	Yep
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	Never
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Yep
Have you ever eaten a box of Oreos:	When I was a kid
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	Bleccch!
In the past month have you been on Stage:	In my mind (while playing air keyboards!)
In the past month have you been Dumped:	Nope
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	In Alaska? I'm loopy, but not completely nuts!
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	My friend's lighter, my sister's scarf... Wow!
Ever been Drunk:	I could say somthing else, but I'll behave. Yep
Ever been called a Tease:	Yep
Ever been Beaten up:	Are you kidding? I have HUGE brothers
Ever Shoplifted:	Yes. Mama made me take the candy back!
How do you want to Die:	Painlessly, after prayers & in my sleep
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	Oh. I have to grow up?
What country would you most like to Visit:	Germany, France, Belgium... all of them
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	Any
Favourite Hair Color:	Any
Short or Long Hair:	Any
Height:	Taller than me
Weight:	Depends on what looks good on him
Best Clothing Style:	ditto
Number of Drugs I have taken:	I'm forgiving, but no flashbacks, please
Number of CDs I own:	Tons
Number of Piercings:	Ears and nose - ok. Others... well...
Number of Tattoos:	Depends. I don't want a sideshow star
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	At least 4.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Okay - that was easy! LOL
(Hey - I'm going to check them later, but if I messed up links to anybody, shoot me an email & cuss me out!)

Peace,
--Free

No Words, Music or Web today - trying to focus on the writing.

A Memory Storm

Hey y'all. Your girl here is having what I like to call a memory storm. You know, when you have so much going on in your head that things collide & your brain rescues itself from possible system failure by taking a walk in the rain of pleasant memories. Only the memories aren't nice & organized - they just bounce all over the place, like hail or those hard little raindrops that hurt when they hit you.

Memory storm.

Memories about my mama.

Asofetida - I don't know if that's how it's spelled, but I remember Mama saying it's what her mother used to put on her (Mama's) chest when she had a cold or something. Said it stunk to high heaven & probably only worked because the odor scared the germs away.

Urine Shampoo - Mama told me once how, when they were young, her cousin "Bunky" was the only one in the family with short hair(do y'all remember "In Living Color" where one of the characters talked about folk & one of her lines was about a woman with short hair: "hair so shawt you can read her thoughts!"?) and someone told her that it would grow if she washed it in her urine. This fool saved her pee in a big old jar & once a week, she'd pour the urine on it. I don't know what that old pee must've smelled like, but Mama says Bunky grew enough hair in a few weeks to snatch up into a rubber band. She might've grown more hair if "Aunt Jack" hadn't made her stop with the pee shampoos.

Bacon Grease Lotion - Mama says that if they ran out of Jergens or Vaseline, she and her cousins would use bacon grease (and you know she meant that big jar of "drippings" that sat on the stove in an old Folgers can) instead. One time, one of her cousins oiled up and headed off to work. She was running late, so she short-cut it through someone's back yard. "Someone" had some dogs. Dogs smelled the bacon grease. Cousin had to pull the Wilma Rudolph out of her soul and book like the wind. I guess she was leaping fences like somebody had bet money on her. (I suppose she made it away from the dogs. Mama never said. We were both laughing too hard for her to finish that story.)

Sooty Beauty - Back in the day (Mama's day), there weren't a lot of readily available cosmetics for "women of color." Most of my mother's family has LOTS of color & they go from black as midnight (some of them with grey eyes that gave me serious nightmares & this is before colored contacts!) to Light as Vanessa Williams. Most fall in the middlin' to dark category. The lighter-complexioned folk could get away with over the counter lipsticks & blushes and all that. My mother and the rest had to work something else out. So what did they do? Mama says that they'd find the darkest lipstick (usually some kind of slut-red shade) and they could find, then mix in some soot. Yep. Soot from the bottom of pots or burnt wood... The soot would darken up the lipstick enough to compliment a sister with deep roots. (Another time, Mama told me that there were some cosmetics for black women. These were sold door-to-door or could be ordered from ads in the back of romance magazines. A long time ago, someone sent me an old copy of a black romance mag & I saw an ad for "Lucky Heart Cosmetics." Somehow, I picture this as one of the places Mama would have found her makeup when she was young.)

"Busting" a part - My mother was extremely honest. If she didn't know you well, but didn't like something about you, she'd be polite about telling you. If she knew you well - or "owned" you as she did her children - she'd skip politeness & just get to the damn point. (Mama's bossiness with a person went up with her level of approval of them. I could always tell a friend of mine was "in" with my mama the minute she went from inviting them to "come on in and have a seat" to telling them "bring your ass on in here and sit down, boy. That couch ain't gone bite your ass." Most guys who made it past being like by Mama were keepers as far as I was concerned.) One time, I thought it would be cute to wear my hair with a part down the very center. Mama didn't think it was cute. When I came out to rescue a date from being scared into incontinency by Mama, she took one look at my head and asked, "Why you got your hair busted down the middle with that part, looking like Sista Tutta?" (I have no idea who "Sista Tutta" is & I didn't ask. I was too busy sliding back into the bathroom to get that part out of my hair. And, no, I didn't "keep" the guy I had the date with. He laughed a little too damned hard at Mama's comments.)

TPV Perfume - (This crossed my mind when I did my "favorite perfume" on the ABC's yesterday.) When I was younger, I wasn't allowed to wear make-up (don't forget my "holiness" background), and perfume was too extravagant. BUT - I knew I had hit a milestone of "getting grown" when Mama let me wear TPV to a school "dance" (aka: a bunch of kids standing against the wall in the gym and pretending not to notice each other while music played). Talcum powder and vanilla extract. Yep. I didn't get to buy "Heaven Sent" (or whatever it was called), but I sure thought I was some hot stuff when I wiped that cotton ball of vanilla across my shoulders and then puffed on some powder. Shoot. Too bad the only boy who got close enough to smell it was the boy handing out the plastic cups at the punchbowl.

Chewing tar - This falls into that category of "country health" stuff. I can't even lay this on my mama's generation & end it there because she passed it down to us. Until I was about fourteen (right around the time I was leaving my small town life), I - and all my cousins, play & real - chewed tar. I don't remember where it came from. My mama and aunt would have it to hand out to us. It was clean little pieces & shiny where it had been broken or cut into bite sizes. We'd gnaw on that tar like dogs on rawhide. Mama always said it was good for the teeth. And I have to say, I always had great teeth - until the Air Force let their dentists practice on all of us.

Wow. Memory storm. Mama on the mind.

Believe it or not, I owe almost all of my current manuscripts (the ideas, the characters, the settings - everything) to these memories. Of course, I guess most writers will say the same thing.

Speaking of writers - be sure to check out the new link on the left. John Baker, out of the UK, writes mysteries & we've exchanged links. (John - I'm SO coveting the cover design on your books - just beautiful! - & I can't wait to read these.)

--Free

WORDS:
"Love is either calm or storm/Sometimes you rain gently into my heart/Sometimes you are a blizzard in my soul"
(Free 3/2006)

LISTENING TO:
Yahoo Listing of the artist Kem (nice)

WEBSITE:
A CSS Tutorial that I seriously need. Gotta fix this dang template problem!

Arrrrgh!!!

That's it.

I've had it.

I'm changing this dang template. It's been nothing but a major pain in my HIND QUARTERS since I changed to it.

Loved the colors & layout, but I'll be back when I find something USEABLE.

New Look for the Blog!

That damn Cookies. Went and pissed all over my blog! LOLAnyway, when I was taking Cookies off the blog (she's at a long Vet visit), I got antsy and decided to play around with the look of the whole page. I get bored easily & I never liked the way the old colors looked.Actually, I don't think it was Cookies; I think it was me. Maybe I didn't learn enough about messing with my template to try housetraining her to the page. Don't worry - she'll be back.
(I think this is Supa messing with me because of Firefox!)

I tend to mess with things when I get either real (fill in the emotion here: Happy/Sad/Tired/Mad) - usually rearranging all my furniture or doing strange and elaborate things with the clothes in my drawer (arranging everything by color or type). One time I got upset over something at work and I went to the store and bought about 10 of those cute colored plastic storage containers that slide under the bed. I organized all my belts and shoes and scarves they stayed that way for exactly four days. The work situation cooled down and I calmed down. I immediately started just tossing the belts and scarves in my bottom dresser drawer & the shoes got all mixed up in the plastic containers. About a week later, I was picking out shoes in the semi-dark of my room and didn't realize I had on a mismatched pair until I was ten minutes late and just warming up my car. I don't care how dark brown a shoe is, it still doesn't work with a deep blue one - especially when the brown one has a gold buckle on the back and the blue one had a patch of across the toe. Not a good look.

Today, I had double emotions going on. I'm happy about the house selling (of course), but sad that my friends are starting to miss me already. Living in Alaska isn't like living anywhere else in the USA (except maybe Hawaii) when it comes to traveling outside. You can't just hop in your hooptie and take off to visit your folks in Texas or Georgia. Let me back up & make the situation a little clearer: YOU CAN HARDLY HOP IN YOUR CAR & HEAD TO THE AIRPORT. Not unless you have nice, deep pockets, connections in the airline industry, or a Federal Marshall escort with two government paid tickets. You might be able to leave once or twice a year IF: one of the trips is to Seattle, and you made reservations 6 months ahead for the other one. Otherwise, you better like you some long winters or very short - beautiful, but short - summers. (There are no other seasons here. Alaskans joke that we have snow, no snow & Spring.)

I guess the point I was making when I went off on that little diatribe was that my friends won't be able to just "come on down" and see me any old time. So, yeah, I was happy/sad today. Double emotion, double need to mess around with something.

At least this time, I was just playing around with the blog template (and I did remember to save a copy in a file before I started) and not trying out some new program that would make me crazy (HEY SUPA!).

Now that everything seems to be working, I'm going to call it a night & get to bed. I have a lot of chores to get through tomorrow & I have to be done in time to watch "Flavor of Love." I can't believe the season is almost over...But I did hear there's going to be another season filmed. (Wonder if that means Flav didn't end up with either one of the girls???)

Oh well - til next time!

--Free

(Sorry, guys, too tired for Words, Listening & Web tonight.. Maybe I can double-dose it next time.)