For My Lady Blogger Buddies

Okay - and the guys too. Anyone who wants to laugh. No post today, so enjoy this. It was given to me yesterday when I went to lunch with my office family. I'm surprised we weren't kicked out of the place. I'm not sure who wrote it, but YOU WILL LAUGH. (It's a little long...)

CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my "honey pot" and stretching down to the inside of my ass cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. OH NO! What have I done???!!! Another deep breath and RRIIP! P!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. WHAT?! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, my "man magnet". Which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. My

LIFE FLASHES BEFORE ME!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Kooter? Sealed shut! Ass?? Sealed shut! Both sealed tighter than

Fort Knox!!!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to Shit! My head may, quite frankly, just pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your ass and nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter -

"So girlfriend, my ass and "kitty" are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking your ass and crotch?" She must be reveling in humor and wantsme to repeat it for her enjoyment.

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your "man hole" girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on my cooch, and

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

"IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!! Looking like an Osama Bin Laden gotee!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.....

Now that's funny ........ Notttttttttt.

Send this on to other ladies who need a good laugh!

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and I could say, "I used everything that you gave me"~Erma Bombeck

Taking a moment to breathe

No matter what it looks like I haven't gone completely lazy on this blog. I'm just taking a little time to breathe. But I thought I should check in to see how my blog-buddies are doing. I don't want y'all to think I melted off the face of the earth (although that's entirely possible to do!)

It's been so hot the past few days that I've been staying inside as much as possible. I hear that when it hits the 120's, it's not even "cool" to go out in the afternoons. Even a houseful of scorpions won't be able to run me out of the house then, so I guess that will make for a good time to write! In the meantime, I've been making lists of things I want to do - you know, all those things you put off because of lack of time, laziness, or just letting the world get in the way. Here's my list so far (and I don't want to hear no mess about all the food-related items...):

1. Go back to Olive Garden with my family and spend at least 3 hours there (just like you see in the commercials). I want everyone to order something different so I can try a taste of EVERYthing. I want to sit there and relax so long that all the people still waiting for a table will really hate us.

2. Hit this new spot my sis-in-law told me about: early on, nice live jazz, with plenty of table-seating and good appetizers; later on, a DJ and more crowded, but we won't care because we'll have our table already. I can't remember the name of the place right now, but I want to say it sounds like "Nodu," Nibo"... Something like that. At any rate, I'm excited because, supposedly, it's for the grown and sexy. Get to dress up and see people wearing something other than shorts, tanks and flip-flops.

3. Go to a non-Vegas casino. I'm not big on the gambling thing, but I want to see what the big deal is about all the different places on the reservations. (I've been to Vegas a few times & pretty much stroll the slots with my cup of nickels and free drinks... More on that later.) I'm pretty sure the reservations will be a scaled back version of the Vegas houses, and I'm curious to see what the food will be like. And then...

4. ...Go to Vegas. And this time, catch some of the shows. I swear, I never have made it past the buffets or the cheap-o slots -- not that I don't plan to eat, but maybe I'll actually go into a place that doesn't have big steel warming trays lined up against the wall! Once before, I spent one evening people-watching, just absolutely fascinated by the assortment of weirdos who hang out in such beautiful hotels. (Also, while I'm there, I want to go to the one casino that features the rollercoaster... Or maybe that's at more than one place???)

5. Drive over to Texas and Arkansas to see some of the extended fam. It will be nice to take a road trip that doesn't take forever or involve crossing the border of Canada. Of course, this means I have to hurry and sell this truck AND wait for gas prices to come down to a little cheaper than the price of gold.

6. Get me some nice stationary and write some real paper-and-ink letters. I almost didn't know how to address the envelope when I wrote my grandma "Aunt Ollie." That whole envelope and fold 'n stamp thing just taxed my brain! It's so much easier to hit a SEND button.

7. Get back to work on the family tree. It's taking me longer to do that thing than it took to create the family. There's just not enough time in my life for both the family tree and the writing. As it is, you see I'm struggling to break out of hermit-writer mode.

8. Do more reading on writing. I took time out the other day to catch up on John Baker's blog. I tell you what, that man has so many encouraging and useful words for the writer. I read through his various "lessons" & felt like a really hungry person pulling up a seat at a table set for kings. (And wouldn't you know that some of his advise was to not forget to do things other than write.)

9. Cut my hair. Yep. I'm tired of this mop. Arizona's climate is not exactly friendly to ethnic hair. Like I said, I don't have oodles of time these days & the whole hair-care thing is working a tired nerve. I'm trying to work up to going ultra-short because that would be the easiest. Just wash & oil the crown and go. Of course, not everyone can pull off the short look. And I don't want to end up with one of those styles that takes more time than longer hair does - you know, having to gel it, slick it, tie it... At least with longer hair, I can always snatch this stuff back into a tail or bun. I'm not a fan of sleeping in curlers, doo-rags, wraps, etc. Shoot, I tried to sleep in some sponge curlers the other night & almost gave myself a heart attack while I was still on scorpion watch. Sponge curlers are cruel. I slept right out of one of them bad boys, woke up and felt something next to my face... Hey. I rolled and hit the floor like a SWAT trainer. So, uh...yeah. I need a low-maintenance shortie style. I might need to go try on some wigs before I make a commitment.

10. Go with my girlfriends to my new favorite place to eat at least once a month. First of all, I think it's very important for women to make time for each other. We get all caught up with work, life drama, and waiting to exhale that we forget to come together every now and then to just breathe. Breathe in some shared chick wisdom, empathy, encouragement, tears - both the laughing and crying kind. Just to be women together.

Second of all, Famous Dave's has bread pudding that makes my mouth go "Yippee!" I ain't lying, I have never had such a combination of light/fluffy/cool/sweet heaven on my tastebuds. It's just a joy. Truly. (And it comes with enough spoons to share, so you don't feel like a blimp when you leave.) Then, when and if I get tired of Famous Dave's , I guess the girls and I can rotate to one of the other 3 million places they have to eat around here. (There's a little bar and grill that I noticed a week ago... I might need to cruise back by there and see what the menu looks like.)

11. Spend some time not writing, not working on the Tree, and not doing anything that restricts my mind to moment, time or place. I guess I just want to spend some time to let my mind breathe. (What is it with me and this Breathe theme???)

12. Take more pictures. Of the family, of the scenery, of life as it's happening. AND actually get the pics developed (or printed) and labelled. New photo album time. Years from now, when people look at the photos, they'll know who's who & exactly why they're laughing with their mouth hanging all open - because I will not only label the pics, but make little notations. So there.

13. Donate to a couple of those funds for kids. I'd like to pick two charities: one for local kids and another for a child anywhere in the world. (I'm too fickle, selfish and moody to say that I could be a Big Sister volunteer. I could just see myself breaking dates with the child whenever I had a mood swing.)

14. Keep adding to this list. I don't ever want to get to a point where I don't crave breathing new air. (Damn! There's that breathe thing again. I need to set some time aside to explore this with my inner psychologist.)

So there you have it: the Do List. Let's just all pray for October to get here. For now I'm not trying to do anything that requires walking more than 20 feet from my ride until this heat shuts down a little.

Peace
--Free

Arizona's About to Piss Me OFF

Still being lazy. This time, I have a good excuse: I'm so tired I could drop and sleep for YEARS - except I can't. The following letter that I sent with a photo to family and friends a minute ago will explain.

To: ----various friends & fam back home & around the States----

I meant to send this when we got it. This is the pic us Conway brothers & sisters took when we were all together for Christmas /New Years 2005.


I have to tell you guys: I really do like it here. Really. Mike doesn't like it as much, but that's cause it's still summer.

Anyway - I have survived the heat (112 the highest so far & headed to be 121 before it's over). I have survived the 14-mile commute. That doesn't sound like much to some of you, but my Anchorage folk know that that's a lo--oong ass drive unless you're traveling with luggage.

I have survived going to a mall so huge that they had a parking lot bigger than all of South Anchorage - we used valet parking. Now, you know a parking lot is too damned big if they have to have valet parking... And, yes, I paid the five bucks so that Mike wouldn't have to walk so far.

Folks, I have even survived a run-in with a spider that looked like it wanted to box me like Ali. It would have won, so I just clocked its nasty self with a Payless shoe.

So, I can call myself a trouper, a surviver, a chick who can handle some stress and changes in life.


But.


Last night, I saw my first ever scorpion. And I didn't just see it from across the room. I damn near slowed danced with it. Nasty little thang was clinging to the side of the wall when I took my stupid Alaskan we-only-have-beetles behind into the dark walk-in closet to grab my nightgown off the hook. It was just waiting, like it hoped I hadn't seen it. I thought it was a splinter until my gown brushed it and made it twitch.

Thank God my niece was there in the house. Gabby cupped it, tossed some bleach in on it and put it outside in the heat where it has since disentegrated (I hope). And Gabby also coaxed me down out of the middle of the kitchen table (holding my nightgown up around me like some chick off of "Little House On the Praire." She calmed me down by swearing that it's RARE to see 2 scorpions in the same night. Apparently, they don't get along with each other.


All righty then.


I came down off the table, my pulse slowed to a mild gallop, and I quit twitching like a crack fiend.


Until we saw the second one.


Aw, shit, people. We had the Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston duo if scorpions.


Thank God that Mike was in the hospital (that's another story & she's out now), Chubby and Tasha were at the hospital visiting - with cell phones turned OFF... Joe was in Nevada on business. Wow. Just me and Gabby and the Scorpion King and Queen.


I called Joe on his cell and asked him to call his pest control guy. This fool LAUGHS at me. "Trudy, baby, I don't carry those kinds of numbers around with me. Plus, they're closed at night." (Closed at NIGHT??? At night. Closed... Okay - hold that thought 'cause I'm gonna get back to it in a minute.)


Now, Joe's wife & kids are in Mexico, so I could've gone on over to his house. But that's a drive in the dark, in my pajamas - which are hiked all up around my butt. Besides, leaving our house means I have to come down off the table again.



Somehow, we make it through the night (house lit up like Uncle Hotshot on some MD 20/20). In the morning, Gabby's gone to work already. I'm not trying to get in a shower where Scorpio and his pals might want to run my ass out into the street naked and wet. The solution: Ho-bath. Or "Hooker Wash-Off," if you want to be nicer. (Yep, you heard me & don't play like you don't know.) And pull out whatever clothes I can that aren't DEEP off in the closet. Took my toothbrush, hairbrush & deodorant to the office with me & got there so early, I got to park in some shade.


Joe had called and left numbers with somebody at the office & they had a pest guy meet me at work. He's coming tomorrow. (Don't ask me about tonight unless you want lessons on how to sleep while propped up on a dining table.)


Now, back to that whole deal about the pest control place being CLOSED AT NIGHT.


Jesse (the nice pest control rep) signs me up for a regular service. We chit-chat about my little run-in with the stinging little thugs of the insect world - or whatever sect of creatures scorpions belong to. Jesse tells me that they tend to REALLY come out when it gets hot. (What the hell does he call the 112-degree weather we've been having the past couple of weeks???) I'm telling Jesse what a rough night I had & tell him that it's too bad he can't get someone out to the house today so they could be there while I take a nap. Jesse says...

(.... Hang on. Wait for it...)

"Oh, go on home and take a nap if you want. The scorps" (yeah, he calls them that) "won't bother you now. They're nocturnal."


nocturnal adj 1: (biology) belonging to or active during the night; "nocturnal animals are active at night"; "nocturnal plants have flowers that open at night and close by day" [ant: diurnal] 2: of or relating to or occurring in the night; "nocturnal darkness" 3: of or during or relating to the night; "a nocturnal journey"; "nocturnal stillness"; "nocturnal predators" Source: WordNet (r) 1.7


"Nocturnal predators." Don't nobody here need to whip out Websters for "predators."


Was that mess supposed to make me feel better? "They're nocturnal." Like I don't know big words (or at least how to use a dictionary)...


Right now it's about 7:40pm. Getting a little dusky outside. I'm tired as hell, but I ain't going to be trying to cop no deep doze tonight. Them little "nocturnal" bastards are just waiting. I know it.


So. Y'all take a good look at me in that picture I attached. I'll probably look 40 years older the next time you see me.

Friendship

I think I've said it before, but I really hate those annoying mails you get with the sappy sayings, etc. Recently, I got the best email ever. All about friendship & so cute (and true) that my lazy ass is going to post it instead of using my own brain to come up with something tonight. Show you just how lazy I am, I'm going to post the SAME thing on my new My Space blog! And, by the way - feel free to drop by there to see my "space" or my blog there... As if an "analog" sister like myself can keep up with another spot in the WWW. (Stop laughing, Supa and Abeni!)

Sister girl is tired tonight, so 'scuse the slow down for a minute or two. I will be back!

Peace
--Free

TRUE FRIENDS

True Friendship

Are you tired of those sissy-ass "friendship" poems that always sound

good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series
of promises that actually speak of true friendship:

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. (I dedicate this one to my non-friends - like the klutzy parking lot blonde!)

9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you
can only think of 4.

Remember......A good friend will help you move.....a REALLY good friend
will help you move a body.......let me know if you ever need me to bring
a shovel.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you
can feel the true warmth.

Alaskan Eagle

This is just a cool pic I wanted to share. As I sit around in the 100+ heat, I like to glance at this photo every now and then. How nice and cool the air looks! LOL. And check out those beautiful mountains... I do miss the natural beauty of my former state. I'm falling in love with AZ, but Alaska is just so unique. It's not like you have to ride out anywhere to see the scenery (o.k. - well, maybe to see the eagles) - you could just get anywhere without a building in the way & look out on this kind of loveliness.

A friend of mine took pictures while riding along the Seward Highway in Alaska a few years ago & caught this one of an eagle. (I have another she took of the eagle having "lunch," but it's a little graphic & I didn't want to upset anyone.

P.S.: ANOTHER Alaska friend popped into town & I might be able to hook up with him this coming weekend. I'm SO happy to hear a voice from my old home town... (And, BTW - I uploaded this pic earlier this weekend & am just now posting it now - Sunday ... Blogger can be so weird...)