Saturday, May 02, 2009

By a Thread

I don't know how many other married people go through this (a lot, I am sure), but right now my marriage is hanging on by a thread. A very slim and frayed thread.

Divorce is so ugly. The separation has been rough enough, but divorce (even thinking about it) sounds brutally painful.

How do you deal with maybe having to walk away from a person you so wanted to spend all the rest of your life with? How do you grieve that kind of loss? And, even if you survive, how do you ever think about trusting someone new?

I'm almost to the point of wanting to live my life alone. I mean, I have family and friends, so why do I need heartache? Why do I need to place my love in the hands of someone who takes it for granted? Why not just live, laugh and enjoy each moment as it comes and don't expect anything special from one specific person?

Marriage. Separation. Divorce. Failure.

I feel a little bitter right now, and flawed. Other people make it work. What am I doing wrong? How can someone claim to love me and need me & yet keep letting me down time and time again. You can't be weak and love someone fully. Love takes strength - or love gives you the strength you need... I don't know anymore. I really just don't know. Maybe all the other married people aren't any happier than I am. Maybe they all just settle for "it is what it is." I don't know. I wish someone could tell me.