Saturday, May 23, 2009

If Spam Didn't Lie

I have about 6 or 7 email accounts. Of those, I check 3 on a regular basis and just hit the others up once a month or so. Everytime I go into one of them, I have at least 200 SPAM emails. Of course, I scan the subject lines - you know, just IN CASE a "real" email ended up in the pile...

The thing about SPAM is that I always wish the promises were for real. If I could believe the SPAM, so many of life's problems would disappear. For instance:

Weak Credit? Gone. Just like that. Matter of fact, I could (in 3 easy steps!), repair my credit or raise my limit from the bottom to the max in a matter of days. And all for either "FREE!!!" or "MINIMAL COST." Yeah. Uh huh.

Single? No prob. There are "sexy singles" out there just dying to meet me. Some of the singles are "hot Russian girls." So... Mr. Spammer, since I'm a "girl" myself and not gay, tell me again WHY I care about some hot Russian chicks? It's not like you are familiar with my blog, because if you were, you'd sell me the lie that you can hook me up with Keanu or Denzel. C'mon now...

Thinning Hair? Bald Spots? Somebody can fix that. Well, look at the damn picture on every profile I have. My problem, you morons, is not thinning hair or bald spots. My hair is good. Now, if you can offer me a stylist to work up that hot razor-cut bob Rhianna rocks, then talk to me. Til then - get your game together.

My favorite is when I get something that LOOKS like a Twitter notice. Yeah... Well, it would fool me better if the format actually resembled the real thing. After getting hundreds of authentic Twitter invitations, it's not hard to spot the fake that's missing half the key elements of the real thing. At least these emails are entertaining. Of course, it's harder to deal with the REAL Twitter invites from people who try to Spam me any way. You know about those, right? The ones who follow 8000 people, are followed by 12 people and have 2 updates. Oh, and the updates are something along the lines of "my sexy pics and vids," or "I make $100/hr and you can too!"

So, you see, it's not like I wouldn't be the perfect mark for a spammer. It's just that the spammers are lazy. They don't do any real research. They just scan the surface of my web life. If they took the time to read a blog post or two, they might luck up onto one of my weak spots. In the meantime, they are just solidifying my relationship with "Select All/Delete All."