Funny Man

Not a lot of time for posting - what with the packing and all, but...

This is a columnist I discovered while reading a newspaper (online) and I had to share. He is so funny. Check him out & enjoy!

Danny Katz

Peace
--Free

Laughing or Crying

I saw this on G+ and really hesitated posting it, but it's so dang funny, I had to. For one thing, the story is just straight out of nowhere. Next, the lady telling the story is so hilarious - or psycho, or describing herself, or lying - pick one. Finally, if I was able to keep a straight face while listening to the story, I'd still fall to pieces every time I saw the expression on the other lady's face. The BFF and I must've replayed this 5 times and it just got worse and worse.

People, people - especially my sister femmes: we have GOT to do better...




Peace
--Free

Something I'm Sharing

No real post; I just want to share with you something I saw this morning:

I Hate Moving...

... so much!

Really, I do. I hate leaving the old place (packing, re-packing, loading up that crap to a truck); I hate getting to the new place (cleaning, painting, un-loading, un-packing); and I just flat out hate change of any kind - even the good kind, and this is the good kind.

Right now, I am one miserable bitch to be around.

My bedroom looks like a storage unit burped and blew up. I can't get packed because when I do get something into a box, I need it twenty seconds later. I'm having to throw out and give things away because I just refuse to move all this stuff. On top of it all, I'm a little depressed because I notice now that I have clothes in three sizes: 4, 6, 14. (Okay, four sizes, but I'm not telling anymore.)

Best part of all of this? I am only moving 2 miles down the road. I'm not ever going far from my family again.

~sigh~

You all know me by now: I can make a mountain out of a two grains of sand and a drop of procrastination...

The BFF I will be roomies with is all excited. Of course she is - she doesn't have to move all her stuff. She has offered to come over and help, but I am trying to have her save her energy for the painting we are going to do. Oh, and the moving of the bed and other pieces of furniture. heh heh. Besides, we'd end up looking at every piece of clothing and doing fashion critiques worthy of Ms. Wintour (or Mr. Blackwell!).

I do thank God (seriously) that I have The World's Best Family. My sister is motivating me ("You have 22 days. That's plenty of time." "You have 17 days." "You lazy heffa, you! You only have 12 days...") One nephew is going to help us paint, another one is going to do the moving (with the first nephew) and clean the carpets in the new place. My niece in North Carolina has been soothing me ("Just breathe, Auntie. I moved across country with 4 weeks notice. You got this.") The niece I live with is being so patient and sweet as I tear her house and garage and storage apart, looking for all my stuff. I locked her beloved (pain in my ass) dog in the garage the other day while I had the front door propped open so I could trot between storage and house for an hour. I also broke a shelf in her pantry while I was getting my pots and pans down... She's probably counting the hours til I'm out of here, but she gets all teary-eyed and says she's going to miss me! Her husband thought that pantry shit was funny, but he didn't laugh while she could hear him. (And, just for the record: no one here is going to miss me much because my ass will be right over here every day to see my sister and the baby!!!)

Am I dealing with this? Yes, but not very well. I get so overwhelmed  by the least little thing anymore. I  am calming myself with the following facts (here goes one of my lists):

• I'm about 5 minutes away (3 if the BFF is driving).
• I will be here to visit every other day or so.
• My darling little nephew, D.J., will be over to spend some nights with me. (Kidnap style!)
• My BFF is part of the fam so she is going to be sneaking over here as much as I will.
• As soon as all this pack/move b.s. is over, I'm going to invite Mr. Malibu Rum over so we can have a really long chat.

It's all good. Change is hard, but it happens. I am just now thinking of a really cute posting I saw on G+: "Life...Some Assembly Required." (I really need a t-shirt with the saying I came up with: "Life - this side UP.")

Whatever. Just think of me and know that this is what I look like when I am staring at this mess of unpacked stuff:

I wish I could snap my fingers or crack my toes and have this shit just all freaking done. Ain't gonna happen, so let me get my lazy ass up from this laptop and get back to packing. Please miss me while I am gone from the blog!

Peace
--Free

Speaking Of Cars

I don't usually pay too much attention to vehicles. I've ridden in the best and I've ridden on ones where the door was held shut with tow-rope (not kidding). I don't care much what a car looks like as long as it runs and can handle these Alaskan roads.

My mother used to say that a poor ride beats a proud walk any day. Mama didn't see the Lexus SX350 I sat in last week or the Honda Pilot that I fell so in love with that I named it "Rosemary."



The Lexus (which I always thought of as a Toyota with a different symbol) was only so much fun because of the gadgets. To tell you how simple I can be, for about 10 minutes I sat and played with the button that opens a cupholder. Yeah, I am a gadget slut.

Don't like the color, not crazy about the car, but, damn - that cupholder!

"Rosemary"

Isn't she beautiful?

~sigh~

Peace
--Free

I Grew A Spine, But It Hurt

So... The local BFF talked me into going car shopping with her. She just wanted a little company while she scoped out deals and such. I gave her a little more than she asked for, but I think she is happy.

Understand that car salesmen work on commission. That's Number One. Number Two: salesmen are not the most up front people on the planet. Now, I am not saying that car salesmen lie, but they know how to hold back. No, fuck it, they lie.

My friend (after checking out about 6 cars) decided to be in love with a Ford Fusion. Funny thing is, we found nothing good at the Ford lot, but we found the Fusion over at Dodge. We also found salesmen on the hustle for every nickel they could get. That is where I grew a spine.

The BFF explained what her bank approved her for and admitted that she was willing to throw in her Permanent Fund Dividend. The salesman said that might not be enough. I called him on his bullshit. He went and got the Manager. As if I'd think shit smells better from a different ass.

"I'd like to let you have it for that, but I won't make any money that way." That was Lie One from the gorgeous Sales Manager.

Okay.

Understand that my BFF is one of the nicest people born into this world. She is sweet, funny, generous, open-hearted... And she has no freaking backbone. (I didn't walk in with one. Matter of fact, we'd mainly gone to that dealership because they are having a drawing for winning 3 extra Permanent Fund Dividends.)

Even though I was just tagging along, I couldn't stand it when the salesmen started holding that Fusion hostage over a measly $250. My friend had laid all her cards on the table - which is such a huge mistake when dealing with salesmen. They knew too much about her at this point. They knew that her current car was about to blow a head gasket (whatever the hell that is); they knew that she was very worried about going into winter without some kind of reliable vehicle; they knew what she had from her bank and maybe they thought she could come up with a little more. Ojh, and they knew that she had fallen in l.o.v.e. with the Fusion. (It's the right color, is known for good gas mileage - and it has a bang-ass stereo. This is all very important to the BFF, especially the stereo. Lord, help her. ~sigh~)

Oh, and let me talk about this car for a moment. It had just landed on the lot. There were at least 7 minor appearance flaws and a couple of safety issues I spotted right off. The car was filthy - as if the former owner had a bunch of kids or a couple of pet monkeys - and we had no idea what was going on under the hood. The test drive went great though, so my friend was happy.

Once they had my friend salivating, the salesmen stopped bargaining at a price just a tad out of her reach. ("And I'd just love to see you drive out of here in it, but...")

I got pissed. At the salesmen for the creepy attempt to get another $250 out of the deal, and at my BFF for sitting there with tears of desire in her eyes.

Thank GOD for my brother, J. That man is just stone cold, bad to the bone when it comes to negotiating. I've watched him work. I've seen him reduce other men to tears across bargaining table. I used to watch him working a deal and think, "What an asshole!" Now I am glad that I sat at the feet of a Master. Brother told me once that the best way to handle any negotiation is to keep the other person off balance. "Be what they don't expect, do what they aren't looking for, and hold your ground."

I looked like a wimp on this particular day. Hell, I felt like a wimp. I loathe car shopping and car salesmen. So I got an attitude and asked the salesman if he was seriously going to let a customer walk out the door over a stinking $250. He stared at me. I stared at him. He blinked. Then he left to get his Manager. (I took the chance to call my nephew because he knows about cars. Gave him the price and a rundown and got his advice: that's a great car and great deal so jump on it! Maybe ask for a year-long warranty.)

Back came our salesman with his manager. Oh, hot damn that Sales Manager is fine. Just pure deliciousness. He even has a sexy name, but I'm not telling.

I went into heat for about five seconds before I remembered that my friend really wanted this car.

The  Sales Manager repeated what the Salesman had said about not being able to go a penny lower. I repeated my line about letting a customer walk. The Sales Manager stared at me. I stared at him, but had to stop because my hormones were turning happy cartwheels. I looked at the Salesman and my hormones calmed down.

I asked the men how they felt about beating the hell out of my friend over $250 when they knew they were going to make SO much more money off someone coming in to buy that hot ass and brand new Durango sitting out there on the showroom floor. (Do you know what a fully loaded Durango goes for these days? Damn.)

Mr. Gorgeous tried to tell me that what one customer does makes no difference in the case of another customer. Next he tried telling me that he had no idea what it was going to cost him to bring the Fusion up to safety; he would know only after they ran it through their checks.

I did a lot of nodding (and kicking my friend under the table to get her to stop leaking tears) and pretended to be sympathetic to the plight of poor salesmen everywhere.

The Sales Manager tells me that he' stuck. He'd like to help my friend out, but...

I avoided looking directly at that gorgeous man (because he was really starting to piss me off), and I channeled my brother.

I called both salesmen liars and told them that they could keep their damn Fusion (okay, I said something worse than "damn"). I reminded them that this car was coming with a cheap ass 3-month warranty and no guarantee that it would be running by New Year's Eve. I said they were going to go to Hell for the lie about not making more money off other deals, and I think I cursed once or twice (okay, I cursed a lot), then I told my friend to get her coat because we were leaving. I started reminding her that we could always get my nephew to take us to the auctions.

Have you ever noticed that salesmen have this thing they do where they try to keep you on their turf? I mean, they can't bullshit you out of your money if you get up and leave, right?

The Manager stopped us before we got to the door. He nicely asked my friend to come back, come back, so they could maybe work something out. He also mumbled something about me being "a little aggressive." (As if I have eff to give about what he thinks of me.)

After about another thirty minutes of a game of Who's Gonna Blink First, we struck a deal. The guys agreed to let my friend put a refundable "Hold" deposit on the car until after the safety check. If the repairs weren't going to be outrageous, then she could have the car for the price she wanted; if not, she could walk away clean.

I wanted to kill my friend because she was sitting there just ready to go out and sell ass or something for the $250. The Manager mumbled something about my attitude, but the Salesman dropped me a wink.

When we'd put up the deposit and walked out of that place, I was ready for a drink, some crack and a big piece of anything chocolate. My friend was doing a little jig because she was sure she was going to get this car. I told her that the Manager really wasn't so fine after all; he mumbles too damn much. I also told her that she was going to get her Fusion. The only reason for the delay was so the Manager could save face.

My friend called me this morning. She got the car.

Peace
--Free

(P.S.: Hope this post is coherent. Had an infusion today & feel just a little bit crappy!)

Couplings: Yes? No?

I am holding things up with a special "friend" because I don't need anything else going on in my life right now.  And because I don't feel about him what I need to feel in order to go to the next level. But. I also kind of would like something else in my life. Here's the thing: I'm too freaking lazy these days to even write more than three pages a day; can I even come up with the energy for a relationship?

Last night, I told my girlfriend that being single is confusing to me. For a while now I have been alone, but it's only lately that I feel lonely. I want to not be single, but I just cannot handle any drama. She says that if I am thinking about relationships, then I am probably ready to be in one. (Like that helps me out, right?) She suggested that I try looking at the pros and cons to being coupled up. (Not that I am legally un-coupled from my last mistake yet. And I'm not calling any future loves "mistakes." Let me just shut up and get on with the post...)

PRO:

• It's nice to have an "other" in your life. Other than a friend, other than just a friend, other than someone you really only like.
• Being part of a couple is nice. I think that, deep inside, we all want to feel "claimed." (And don't give me that crap about how that sounds. Keep your opinions on that to yourselves; this is the blog where I get to spout mine.)
• Right now, I have the affection and friendship, but a deeper relationship brings in deeper and more meaningful things. You can only go deeper with the right person.
• I need a partner because I'm not freewheeling. Maybe because I have old-fashioned values, I like commitment. I like sharing trust and hope.
• I could just be all woman in my world - taking care of the female stuff on my life - and have him be the man. I am damn tired of worrying about shit like the crazy sounds the car is making, trying to get all my groceries from the car to the house, breaking something that I have no idea how to fix, arguing with asshole male salespeople... There are just some things that men handle better. (Again, swallow your opinions or rebut on your blog.)

CON:

• I'm not yet legally untangled. I don't know why I am procrastinating on that. There is a theory floating around that I am using my "marriage" as a barrier. Don't know.
• I don't like being a possession. For some reason, I have always gotten with men who end up wanting to smother me. Claiming me as your loved one does not mean chaining me as your property. 
• There's that whole thing about families and friends. That is probably the worst part of getting into a relationship - you don't just get each other, nooo... You get drunk Uncle Earl and a cousin who has horrible table manners. And, trust me, you cannot hide the family forever. Those freaks come out at night and the daytime.
• There's that whole thing about the first time you burp in front of each other. It's rude and should be avoided, but it is eventually going to happen. You can't always hold off on some things. (Actually, there is an upside to this one: Once you get the first embarrassing "Oops, 'scuse me" over with, you're either seriously okay with each other or not.**)
• I have many flaws and one of them is that I am critical of other people's flaws. I'm such a short-sighted, selfish bitch sometimes. The things is, I always get past a lover's flaws, but it's a process. (Remember the old Ellen DeGeneres joke about getting irritated with a lover after an argument and thinking of his flaws? "So annoying. That breathing he does, in and out...")
• My feelings are tissue-paper thin. I want a partner who is honest and speaks his mind,  but I hate getting used that. 
• I don't know if there is a decent man who can put up with the total mess that I am. Like any woman, I can get a male, but it's tough to get a man. I've had the worst kind of male already, which is why he was able to put up with me; next to him, I was a super prize. Nope. I need a guy who can deal with my whole Seven Dwarves kind of personality: bitchy, witchy, touchy, fussy, moody, cranky and snide. Hell, now that I think about it, I'll be lucky to find a man who won't sit up at night trying to think of ways to kill me in my sleep.

You know what? Maybe I need to just hold off on a relationship for now. Looking over this list, I see that I need to just work on myself for a minute. Maybe I will use the solitude of the coming ice age that we call winter to do just that. (You think I am exaggerating, but, it feels like winter starts in October of one year and ends in June three years later.)

Peace

--Free

** Funny story about this kind of situation. A female friend of mine seems to get gas from just breathing. She spent the first year or so of her marriage blaming her "toots" on her old, sick dog. When the dog passed away, my friend would almost get ill trying to hold things in until her husband wasn't around. I don't know if she finally got honest about this - or maybe she's blaming the cat now. I don't know why we women are so repressed; my ex-husband used to fart in bed and hold my head under the sheets.

Powered Down

We are recovering from windstorms that knocked out power for three days. No lights and no electronics. Three days. I have learned things about myself.

• I don't like camping - not outside, not in the house, not even at the best place in the world - if it doesn't involve all my comforts. 
• One of my comforts is hot coffee two seconds after I roll out of bed.
• Another of my comforts is turning on my laptop two seconds after my first sip of coffee.
• I hate messing with propane and "campstoves" to make my coffee. (Scratch that. I hate messing with propane and campstoves.)
• It takes about ten years to make a pot of coffee on a campstove. It's like trying to make lava with a match.
• Toddlers and new puppies are tough to entertain when you are cranky.
• Toddlers don't know their own strength.
• Puppies don't know to run like hell when they see Pebbles or Bam-Bam coming.
• This is the puppy 

• This is the puppy cornered by Bam-Bam

• Even when there is a power outage, I will hit a light switch every time I walk into a room. Every. Time.
• My family can only take about 3 hours and 22 minutes of me being cranky. 
• I have the most awesome best friend. She came over and picked me up for lunch just to get me out of the house. And because my sister called her and said, "Come get her before we kill her."
• The House of Bread is the best (and I mean the BEST) neighborhood hangout. Their fresh breads and sandwiches will substitute for Prozac any day. 
• Fox News had better news coverage of the storm than our local paper.
• I hate Fox News.
• Give men control over the generator during an outage and they make sure to hook up the freezer, fridge and TV. I'm not kidding. Because the Cowboys are playing. I'm really not kidding.
• Families grow closer during power outages in Alaska. We have to keep warm somehow. 

Peace

--Free

**REVIEW** Sephora Favorites Sampler (for her)

**Full name of product: Sephora Favorites Deluxe Fragrance Sampler For Her**

PRO: This is a nice gift to give someone who likes trying different fragrances. Here's the deal: You purchase a gift box containing various scent samples and a certificate redeemable for whatever amount you paid. I believe the prices range from around $40 to over $100. Once the giftee has tried the samples and chosen a favorite, they take the certificate into Sephora's for a full-size product.

Nice. Thoughtful.

PRO The gift boxes are very pretty and the samples are each adequate for several days' use. I looked up some info on the different sets offered and one thing I noticed is that they change quickly. For instance, I got my set for my birthday in June; I can no longer find a set advertised with the same set of fragrances. Here is what I received in my particular box:

COACH Poppy Flower
DKNY PureDKNY A Drop of Vanilla
DKNY PureDKNY A Drop of Verbena
DOLCE & GABANA The One
ESCADA Especially Escada
GIRGIO ARMANI Acqua Di Gioia
GUCCI Guilty Intense
JENNIFER ANISTON Jennifer Aniston
JUICY COUTURE Viva La Juicy
MARC JACOBS Daisy Eau So Fresh
MARC JACOBS Oh, Lola!

Let me just say right now that I almost picked (heh heh) the Marc Jacobs "Daisy" just for the cute name!

All the fragrances are actually nice, but I have a scent-type preference for perfumes in the "Woody/Oriental" family.  Think "Dune" or "Shalimar." Just for the record, I will probably go with the Escada.

CON: One minor gripe I have is that for the two DKNY scents, you better have a good nose since the samples are not distinguished from one another except by color: green or white.  Well, damnit, I can barely see the print on a STOP sign without my glasses, so I had to go outside, hold both samples up to the light and have a discussion with my alter ego before I figured them out. And - oh, yeah, I think you're supposed to just know that the green is Verbena and the white Vanilla, at least, that's what I came up with. (I have a disease that messes with my thought processes; you think I had fun with this little exercise?)

Now, like I said, this is a great gift idea, but (other than the DKNY trick), I have a couple problems with it:

CON - There are various sets in Sephora's gift collection (I saw a set with a lot of florals and another with a lot of "clean/cool" scents a'la Calvin Klein, etc.). I drooled over one box that included Versace's Yellow Diamond. CHOOSE CAREFULLY because the certificate can only be redeemed for a product represented by the samples in your set. (I have a problem with this because I feel the money that was paid should be applied any way I'd like.)

COND - If your sample box was bought at Sephora "inside JC Penney," that's the only place you can redeem your certificate. Not online or in a stand-alone Sephora. I don't know what that's about. Personally, it's a real pain in my patience to go to our local Sephora's. I'd rather go online and pay the shipping and handling.

A big "Plus" is, there is no time limit on redeeming the certificate. Good thing for me since I am having a heck of a time deciding on a favorite.

And, by the way, this review might sound a little harsh. I'm a little testy because of another issue I had with Sephora. Belonging to their little online "club" (or whatever it is), I was due a free birthday gift. When I went in to pick it up, the store had run out of whatever the gift was. They had me leave my name and contact info so that they could mail my gift. Yeah. Never heard a word from anyone at Sephora. They have no problem slamming my Inbox with their ads.. That's cool though, they did let me pick out some samples. I should have been greedier and chosen more than two. Hmph.

Peace
--Free

P.S.: I'm going to apologize for any incoherence in this post; I am having a rough day with the Sarc.

**REVIEW** Avon Anew Ultimate Age Repair Cream

**Let me say up front that I did not have to pay for mine. I got it courtesy of a friend who bought several products and put together gift baskets for a group of woman we hang with. I was not paid to write this review.**

It's a bit pricey (around 30 bucks), but because it takes so little per application - and the moisture lasts all day - it might be cheaper in the long run. (If you don't have an Avon Lady, you can buy online from Avon or other merchants.

While this is an "age repair" product, I think it's a great cream for anyone with dry skin or those who spend a lot of time in extreme weather. My skin hasn't really begun to age, but I live in a cold-weather state and I believe in being proactive.

Me. 51st b-day. Post hair-cutting session!

My favorite thing about this cream is that it has such a smooth and silky feeling. Another thing is that a tiny amount really does go a long way. I actually just touch two fingers on top of the cream, then apply to one section of my face at a time - one side of my nose and sweeping under the eye, other side, around the mouth and chin, and so on.

I like that the cream is not oily or sticky, thanks to that silky texture. I do suggest that, as with any cream, wait a couple of minutes before applying any type of powder foundation.

My skin is very sensitive and unlike some creams with sunscreens included, this caused me no irritation. It has SPF 25 UVA/UVB*.

Pros - Nice texture, the moisturizing lasts, the product lasts, has sun protection.

Cons - None.

Bottom line - this cream is worth every nickel.

Peace
--Free

* UVA/UVB - Ultraviolet A and Ultraviolet B definition at Free Dictionary.