Sunday, August 03, 2014

Early Morning TV Critic

Bad news this morning: I'm up too early. Good news: I'm up early because I am getting some good sleep. Bad news: It's raining, so I won't get much done outside of the house today. Good News: I have access to cable TV.

Wait. That might be part of the bad news.

Give me too many channels to choose from, and I will pick the lowest form of broadcast entertainment before I even get to anything educational or informative.  I always start with the reality shows. So that I can turn into a critic. I criticize the motive and morals and entire idea of "non-scripted" realism of these shows. (I question the "reality" of reality shows the same way I question the "selfie" part of photographic selfies. Question: who exactly is taking the photo in the dark of the sleeping celebrity who looks too sexy to really be sleeping in the first place? What - are there cameras set up to go off at random times during the night to capture that one moment that their hair and lingerie isn't scrunched up all crazy-like? Isn't a "selfie" supposed to be the picture we take of ourselves in front of the bathroom mirror, making a "duck face" and being careful not to get photo-bombed by dirty laundry or the neglected toddler with a sagging diaper? And as for the reality shows: how realistic is it when the "stars" have a hair and makeup team on stand-by and a camera crew that tries to catch them only in the best light? And I know that they try for the best light because I have seen lots of the reality folks when another camera caught them in true light.)


just saying

But, I imagine the reality stars criticize us the way we criticize them. Their fans are probably laughing at me right now for watching Bravo TV and making someone a few dollars richer. To use a couple of the "Housewives" favorite phrases, at the end of the day, I'll "own" it.


I start off with a little bit of a former housewife (who wasn't really a wife when she was on "Housewives") who is now on a show of her own (now that she is a wife). I refuse to use the term "housewife" to describe the ladies from these shows. Housewives actually make running a household either the first or second priority of their schedules. And most live in typical housing, not places try competing with the Ewing residence at Southfork Ranch.

This is where J.R. Ewing lived
Oil money
And this is where a "Housewife" lived
Wonder if they have a private WalMart...
I'll take the house on the bottom, please

The TV Housewives don't run households so much as they run staff that run their households. And there's nothing wrong with that, at the end of the day, if the ladies would just own the truth about it. (I mean, I want staff. I don't care about the big house. I just want staff. Or at least a driver. Can a broke-down sista get a driver?)

Okay. Backing off that rant and getting back to the former Housewife and current, um, wife and mama and whatever else she is. Whatever all else she is, according to the title of her show, she's not "Tardy". Whatever. ~shrug~

She is Kim (not sex-tape-to-fame Kim, but the one who went from being a side-chick to being a wife who I hope never has to worry about side chicks) and she and her family are on a little getaway - with what looks like a motorcade. Apparently, they are driving to a vacation home or something and they are in a huge motorhome and have at least one SUV following. When I was a kid, my parents hauled four of us kids from Alaska to Texas, via the Alcan, in a woodside station wagon. No nanny, no backup vehicle(s). Wow. Tough times.

Kim apparently has a little bit of a taste for gambling. During a pit stop, she spends a couple thousand on lottery tickets and various other scratch-offs. She doesn't buy tickets, actually - she buys rolls of them. Once she and her entourage get back on the road (and she was scratching off more losing tickets than she liked), she joked (or I think & hope she was joking) that she should have bought more.

Um, bad idea, ma'am.

Number One: The 2 grand you spent was a lesson in bad decision-making so I don't think that spending another grand or two would make you look any smarter.

Number Two: Are you gambling out of pleasure or misery? Or is tossing out 2 grand like that just another way to show the viewers how "rich" you are? (Girl, you are never "rich" if you have to worry about being broke again. You are not even "hood rich" (which is a sort of money-left-after-bills 'rich'), you are "reality tv rich". Neither situation is good or lasting.

Number Three: If someone with money and class were watching you (I have no money and am only classy some of the time!) they would be laughing at you - of just adding to their scientific study of "The Shallow Masses." If he cared enough, you'd be dinner conversation at Bill Gates' house. We'll label that discussion under "Hilarious Ways 'Regular' People Throw Away Good Money".


Then I switched over to the food shows. Bummer. Guy Fieri's not on right now, but that bony little Giada is. I don't like Giada for some reason. She looks to me like someone who seems very sweet and nice, but has an inner bit-h that needs its own show. And she has those teeth. I bet she could chomp off a chunk of steel with those teeth of hers. Or maybe it's just her food I don't like. I'm all for healthy, but I'll never fully love a skinny cook. Until I am skinny again myself.

Moving along.

I watched part of an episode of "The Brady Bunch" and had a seesaw of emotions that made me change the channel. For a moment, I was happy to watch a family living in what now seems like simpler times. (Because everything looks simpler in the rear view mirror of life. At least everything you survive.) It was nice to watch the Brady's for about five minutes. Then I remembered I'd once owned a plaid vest and plastic belt (just like the one Marsha was wearing in this episode) when my crush Elroy James had broken my heart by moving away one summer. Damn the Seventies. Too many memories of ugly clothes, avocado-green appliances, shag carpeting and crushes that were too old for me, too wild for my parents, or just right - right before they moved out of town.

Let's have a glance back, shall we?
Ugly, but hides all the dirt.

Pretty sure I had a dress and wallpaper just like this

Maybe something a little spooky will calm my nerves. Hahaha.

Whenever I watch things like "A Haunting", "My Haunted House", or anything with "paranormal" in the title, I go into my Popcorn Critic mode. I eat popcorn (or, these days, granola bars or fruit) and do that talking to the screen thing that all black people are accused of doing.

Last night/this morning, I caught a couple of ghost-y shows. One of them was so silly, I considered it more comedy than anything. It started with a house and a ghost and a weird landlady. That was creepy enough. The unintended humor came when the landlady turned into a creature herself and... Nevermind. It's too fake to re-hash.

The second ghost tale was better. It had lots of photos of old land deeds and birth/death docs to make it seem more realistic. Here's the thing with me and stories of hauntings: I don't believe in ghosts. I believe in demons masquerading as ghosts. I believe that people "communicating" with these demons are playing with fire - or just being played by the demons. As someone once told me though: it's not the dead you have to worry about, it's the living.

Now this scares me. Seriously.

By the time I got through channel surfing and trying to write this post, I was irritated enough for my first cup of coffee of the morning. I had my coffee, then forgot to publish the post. The second cup of java is kicking in (despite the rain trying to lull me back to bed for a little snooze), so here is the post. Enjoy.