Wednesday, August 06, 2014

Those Dang Housewives

I must hurry up and get out of town. If I don't get back to living my normal life (hold on a sec while I stop laughing hysterically), I'm going to be brain-drained from watching too much TV. I'm Dateline-d, Forensic File-d and Cupcake-Wars-ed out! TV is becoming a cancer on what's left of my intelligence.

Now, I know you guys are probably getting bored with my rants about television, but I have nothing much else to post about until I can get hold of some more products to review. In the meantime, let's talk about the "Real Housewives" again. Atlanta, O.C., New York - the location doesn't matter. All those gals are really just the same bunch. The only way you can tell them apart is by their kids, husbands and dialects.

And. sometimes, fake house and fake man
 you have got to follow

If you watch any 3 of the shows (and I just mentioned the only ones I watch), you'll notice that there are only 6 or 7 basic types of characters cast:

  • Ringleader Bi*ch The gal who is the queen of bi*ches and is proud of it. In her mind, she is not a b-word, she is just a strong, take-no-prisoners kind of woman. Only, in her dictionary, 'strong' means cruel, selfish and backstabbing. The best thing about her is that she usually makes the show work. I mean, even a crew of circus clowns needs a leader.
  • Main Sidekick This is the best 'fr-enemy' of the Ringleader. The start out as besties but, as the show progresses and the Sidekick gets a little taste of attention, she starts staging a coup. Sometimes, this takes a while. The Sidekick will play the part of schoolyard flunky for the longest time until she accidentally shows some guts and pisses off the Ringleader. When this happens, Sidekick either gets booted off the show (after being set up by Ringleader), or she forms her own clique and we start hearing a lot about #TeamSidekick vs #TeamRingleader.
  • Nice(r) Girl This is usually the first one to exit the show. She thought she could bring a little class and normalcy to the craziness. She's always wrong. For one thing, 'normal' doesn't get ratings. For another thing, 'normal' people are what the rest of the cast use the same way a boxer uses his mouth guard: spits it right out when it gets all bloody and used up. (By the way, if Nice Girl learns to be ruthless, she can extend her stay or even get a spin-off. Sometimes. Usually, Nice Girl tries but just can't stomach the game. Good for her!)
  • Troubled Trouble She has real life issues for which she needs to get real life help. This lady has no business being involved in anything except for rehab or serious therapy. She might be one of the reasons a lagging "Housewives" show picks up more viewers but, in the reality that matters, she just needs help. Once her problems start spinning out of scripted control, everyone should feel ashamed for feeding the demise of her soul by televising (or watching) her instead of wishing for her well-being. Thankfully, this character generally gets booted. It's only fun to watch this kind of tragedy until it truly becomes tragic.
  • Queen Freak The one who is down for anything, with anyone, at any time. She is coyly proud of how trashy she is. You can't take her to any of the nice trips, restaurants or shopping venues without her sucking the class factor down to zero. She will talk about all the sex she is or is not having, no matter who is present to overhear. This character will, after a season or two on the show, come out as having a traumatic childhood or other past damage. She will either grow into a better behaving cast member, or she will make the viewers become weary of her. If she gets booed off the show, she will join the other Housewives of the Past. Speaking of...
  • Past Housewives These ladies (and whatever man is connected with them), usually go on to be more (or less) successful with their own spinoff show. Successful ones become even more irritating (because what is more irritating than a no-talent talent?). Less successful (or forgotten) ones do a lot of tweeting, Facebook-ing and Instagram-ing so that current 'Wives will badmouth them (thus keeping them peripherally relevant to an extent).
  • New Girl Ah... This poor woman here. She comes on either fully loaded for bi*ch or believing that you can sell your soul for fame and still remain above the mess. If she's armed to the teeth and can fight her way through the rites of initiation, she can move into the spot of whoever has been recently kicked off. Personally, I love when the New Girl goes in for the Ringleader. The whole trying to stay clean while rolling in the mud with the meangirls... Well, that never works out, does it? The best New Girl can hope for is that she survives and gets her own "team" of fans.
Yeah. There's a formula to these shows. And we all love it (shame on us!). What I don't understand is how people who (I guess) believe in gender and racial respect will sell it off for some comped vacations and a shot at people knowing just how dysfunctional your personal life is.

I'm trying to be soooo ashamed right now
Last time I watched a "Housewife" show, the trending battle was over spilled secrets. Apparently one wife confided in another wife about marital problems. The confidante blabbed to a third wife. Third wife blabbed to, I don't know, other wives. ~sigh~ (Flashbacks of school days, anyone?) I was almost caught up in choosing sides with the betrayed wife until I realized - wait a minute! You told your marital "secret" on TV. How freaking confidential did you expect that to be? What's really sad is, the logistics of the situation didn't matter. The ensuing drama was great, um, entertainment.

Funny thing. "Housewives" shows don't really seem to promote the idea of a healthy marriage. I'm just saying.

So I (and other criticizing viewers) are just as bad as these TV 'ladies'. We're not bulls in the fight, but we are out here, cheering on the bloodshed. 
Sadly true...

Shame on us all!