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Tuesday, November 04, 2014

Struggling and Coping

This morning on Twitter, I caught up with someone I connected with long ago during my first days online. This is a smart, go-get-em kind of woman. It seems that she, like me, is going through some trials. I know that she, like me, is going to come through just fine. But, probably, for both of us - for anyone- it`s not knowing how strong you are before a struggle, or that you will be better afterwards, it's that whole period of 'getting through' it. The being in it. The whole truth of these periods of struggle - which always feel like a battle to hang on to the best of what you are - is that you have to go it alone. The only thing you have is your faith and your trust.

So, to my buddy from way back (you know who you are), I don't know what you're going through. I don`t know how you feel while  you`re getting through, but I know that you can make it through.

My current struggle? Fatigue from and exasperation with this damn sarc. Trying to focus through this haze that clouds my mind every time I attempt to write or pray or just think. I figure I'm getting a couple hours of energy each day (at the most) to spend time enjoying my family, keep up with the blog, and taking care of myself. The rest of the time, it`s a terrible effort to do anything. Sleeping doesn't help because I'm not tired. I'm not tired, I'm simply fatigued and fogged.

I need this on a t-shirt
When you get an odd disease, one that's not so recognized and understood in general, your doctors do all they can to fight the progression. You get medicine to keep you alive - and, in my case, to keep me from walking into walls. What you don`t get is lessons in how to cope with the damage that`s been done. Or how not to be so irritable that you begin to hate yourself.

They got a drug for brain fog?
No decent person would expect someone on crutches to run, a blind person to drive, or a mute person to "speak up". It's tough for people to know that I have a disease that comes with its own issues. I don't realize that I'm annoying because I might be asking you the same question now that I asked 10 minutes ago. If I get quiet and still in my body because that helps my mind get quiet and still then, yes, I might get edgy when you pierce that quiet and stillness with a lots of loud noise.

Stop. Please. Or at least PAUSE.
Because, while my disease is being treated, no one is teaching me how to cope. I am learning as I go and the going gets ugly. Having to concentrate so hard when I do anything - drive, clean, write, read, pay bills, make appointments- is tiring.

Before this disease, writing was my coping therapy. I wrote short stories and long stories and even novels and, whether they were never going to be read by another person, they were my therapy. Now I can`t even keep grasp of one thought long enough to weave it to another. Before, if I wasn't writing, I was reading. I still read, but listening to audio books is better because, somehow, hearing stays with me longer than reading. If I don`t get frustrated because the audio is more 'noise' than I can take sometimes.

I can deal with most of my symptoms, but this fatigue piled on top of it all is too much. Not being able to sleep well - or to feel rested when you do sleep - and not being able to find the energy to function when you are awake is just too much. I have been meaning to clean the bathroom for over a week now. I did spray cleaner on the shower walls yesterday. That's something. I rinse today. Maybe.

So. I am struggling, but that in itself is a positive. Struggle is action. Prayer is medicine. God is good. This struggle, this fatigue, this strain are just symptoms. They are not the whole of me. My main coping mechanism is one that can't be polluted: faith. I have faith that this, all of this, will pass.


P.S.: I promise that the whine session is now over. I'm going to try to get back to posting reviews asap. I have just finished a couple weeks of trying out and using 3 products. Just have to get my notes together. You now know how that will go!