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Friday, May 17, 2019

Old Dog, New Tricks?

Because of a conversation I had with a friend the other day, I've been thinking about some of my personality traits and whether or not I'm an old dog needing to learn new tricks. And should I? Can people change as they get older? Should they? I think about this all the time because I know that some of my personality traits keep me a bit isolated from people.

I've always been a very private person. I think that the reason I love this blog so much is that it allows me to be so expressive from behind a screen in a semi-anonymous way. In real life, I tend to be shy and not as sharing. Most people who read the blog don't know me. I'm just this person typing out her thoughts. It really is a win-win situation.

That friend I was talking to the other day got up in her feelings and mentioned that she thinks I don't trust her. I never knew she felt this way! She told me that after all the personal stuff she's shared with me, I never reciprocate. I didn't realize how true that was until she brought it up. Honestly, I do trust her for the most part but I'm just not as comfortable as she is in "sharing". Ironically, I think that one of the reasons she shares with me is because she knows that I can be like Fort Knox when it comes to someone's confidences.

My best friend is probably the one person who knows almost everything about me now that my sister is gone. And my she thinks this can be kind of dangerous. Once, I was casually dating a guy - nothing real serious, just in that whole getting to know each other dance - and my best friend was the only one who knew about it. This went on for a few months and when she realized I hadn't mentioned anything about the guy to my family, she was really alarmed. Comically alarmed. She worried that if something happened to me, no one would know about the guy. I said that she knew. She responded by reminding me that she is old and has had a previous heart attack. "I should not be your last line of defense, girlfriend!" I so love that woman.

I'm also a loner. That's another thing that worries my family. They get it, but every now and then they remind me that they are there if I should need them. I know that. What makes it easy for me to be a loner is that I know I don't have to be. It's that whole alone-but-not-lonely situation.

So, what else should I try to change? Should I try to be more social and outgoing? I am getting somewhat better about socializing with my neighbors. I still don't attend the potlucks and other get-togethers but I have been doing a little more mailbox socializing. For a long time, I only checked my mail during low-traffic times in the hallway. I would even usually do my laundry as late in the evening as I could. I just didn't want to get roped into those conversations full of building gossip. (Okay, I kind of like some of the building gossip but from a distance. I like distant gossip...) Lately, I have taken to chatting more with a couple of the more easy-going women in the building, so I'm not completely antisocial. Not usually.

What else? Maybe I could work on some of my phobias? I've gotten a lot better about plane rides. I didn't even have to get a little bit lit before the last trip to Arizona. Of course, that flight is almost shorter than the drive to the airport. Next time I travel, I plan to use my Kratom powder or CBD oil to calm myself. I'm better with that stuff than I am with alcohol.

My sister-in-law wants me to go on more road trips with her and my brother this summer. Of course, that would mean getting out of the house and into a car situation that I wouldn't be able to escape from for at least two or three hours. On the other hand, I adore my brother and sister-in-law so I wouldn't actually be stretching my boundaries.

I was chatting with my rheumatologist during my last check-up (I think he thinks I'm quirky) and he idly asked what I planned to do with my summer. Do? As if I have a different life for every season, right? I told him that I planned to buy more plants and maybe get a different sofa. He said he wasn't talking about my apartment. He wanted to know if I planned to do anything fun or special. I told him that I'm a homebody and I find it fun and special to make my home homey. Now I'm worried he might refer me to a therapist!

Here's the deal: I know that I have an odd personality and weird ways and lots of phobias, but I am okay with my life in general so why can't people let me be? (And why did Kenny Loggins just flash through my brain, singing "I'm alright. Don't nobody worry 'bout me. You got to gimme a fight. Why don't you just let me be"?)

Speaking of that, I just love this thing I ran across on Reddit a while back. I keep threatening to have it printed onto a t-shirt.


How perfect is that?

So, you know what? I don't think I will be making any changes to my personality after all. I am okay with who I am and if you aren't, that's okay too.

Peace
--Free