Cancerians

**Insomnia is visiting tonight. My mind is personality traits (mine). Thought I'd re-post a favorite.**



I know that I am not supposed to be into astrological signs. At least, that's what I was raised to believe as a Pentecostal. (I am pretty sure that if I look hard enough, there are posts here against astrology.)

But.

I was on G+ earlier and got all excited because I thought I was about to Add a fellow Cancerian. I was wrong. but... My mind is all on the astrological now.

Maybe there really is nothing meaningful to do with stars and moons and all that when it comes to personalities - in which case, I am just weird. I think there is something to it all, though. I so fit the general ideas about what it is to be a Cancer. According to one site, my strengths and weaknesses are:

Strengths	Weaknesses
Adaptable	Moody
Loyal	Sensitive
Attached to family	Emotional
Empathetic	May be indecisive at times

(Laziness should be on the list since I just straight copied and pasted that!)

But, damn! That is all so me. Except for that whole being adaptable thing. Nope. I do not like change. Otherwise, I really am a crab. For one thing, come at me the wrong way and I will crawl right into my little shell and just shut you the hell out. For years! (But I will remember how I care about you and let you back in. Damnit.)

So, is it really all about a birth sign, or is it that we all share the same traits? Someone once told me that Astro-signs are b.s. and that you can apply the same traits to a Leo as you can to a Cancer. Personally, I don't believe that. For one thing, I was married to a Leo who is batshit crazy, but who had a Leo sister who was only half as crazy. Tell you what: thee Leos I've known can be some cold-hearted folks - only in my opinion, of course...

In search of Cancerian me, I went over to my online mentor (Wikipedia) only to be a little disappointed.

Wiki got my Characteristics and Relationships down perfectly, but I don't know where the hell they were going with Occupations. I can't stand the sight of anyone sick or bleeding, I kill plants just by walking near them, and I hate real estate with a passion I can't begin to describe. (And trust me on the real estate crap; I have a Broker brother and an Agent niece. I never again want to see a piece of HUD paperwork as long as I live.)

What else?

I hate my official birthstone (or maybe I've never seen a good cut) and always choose pearl instead. Never noticed before, but I can get down with the moonstone. Silver is my favorite metal - but I look like a black Popsicle if I wear orange or silver clothing. White clothes? Yeah, I can do white, of course. Most dark-skinned folks do white beautifully. This is why people who tan wear white.

Hmm... So.

Back over to the site that got my Strengths and Weaknesses so right.

This one gets me better. Except for the one part about my not taking revenge. That's only sort of true. I won't actually do anything to someone who hurts me, but my therapy is to spend hours just thinking of how I could get  them back. I've gone all Wile E. Coyote before - drawing out detailed plans...

I almost choked when I read that part about the making and maintaining wealth. First, I thought, "Hah! Not this kid." Then I remembered that for years I did help raise, feed and shelter four kids who are not my own. Looking back I have no idea how I managed that, but there you go.

The most Cancer thing about me? I guess it's that I have emotional amnesia. If you are ever my true friend, you are always my friend, no matter what.

Peace
--Free

**Earlier tonight, I found a site exploring the more sensual traits of the different signs. My roomie & I are both Cancerian, and only a week apart by birth date  This site got it mostly right about me but not for my friend. (Weird, right?) Their mention of water as my "element" made me laugh. Me, the chick afraid of anything wet and deeper than a puddle! But I love that it has all my best traits defined so well. Hell, I'm thinking of printing this crap to hand out to prospective partners, therapists and correctional officers! The bad thing? It has my best "partners" all wrong. There is no freaking way that a Leo should be in my orbit (although seducing a Scorpio sounds hot). Maybe it's wasn't about being a Leo with T**; maybe that was about him being an asshole and me being stupid. Anyway... Since I'm awake and it's 3 in the morning, maybe I will go and check out more on those Scorpios.** Peace.

Afflicted

Definitions of "depression"

Psychiatry . a condition of general emotional dejection andwithdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than thatwarranted by any objective reason. 

A depressed  or sunken place or part; an area lower than thesurrounding surface.

Both work when talking about the state of our minds and lives.

There are so many amazing people using Google Plus. Someone there was brave enough to announce his personal battles with depression. Another person remarked that "Silence is deadly." So I am speaking following example and speaking out here about my own battle. (Not that regular readers probably haven't guessed at it before!)

I don't really know how to address the issue except to point out some things I have noticed:

• My depression is mine and no one else's. I don't understand it fully and I can't expect others to understand it with or for me.
• I don't need people to understand it. I just need them to accept me with my depression and it's weight.
• Some people feel that depression is just a bad mood that a person can "snap out of." 
• Being depressed is not the worst part of this battle. Trying to pretend I am not depressed is the worst part. Trying to appear "normal" and "happy" when I am not.
• Depression for me is sometimes a force of  sudden "Un-ness."  Un-expected, un-controllable, un-explainable, un-definable tears and grief and ground-opening-up-beneath emotional terror. There is a sense of being un-tethered from life, un-loved, un-lovable, un-needed, un-able, un-salvageable. 
• Depression for me is a sense of complete alone-ness. For long moments (minutes, hours, days...), I will feel as if I am locked in glass walls of sadness while I can see other people moving on around me, living their lives so normally while normal is not something I can comprehend at the time.
• When depressed, I am not only sad but disappointed that others cannot see my pain. The things they do and say that have such profound impact on me - it means nothing to them because the can't understand my depression.

Maybe that explains it all somewhat. Maybe not.

Part of my depression is due to my Sarcoidosis. I was in a period of depression for months before I was diagnosed. It seems to have gotten worse with the raging of the Sarc. I think that some of my depression is due to the disease itself and some is due to my dealing with the disease. I don't know if that makes sense, but having the disease is one thing in a physical way and another thing is a daily living way.

Since I have been diagnosed, some people treat me as though I am less than I was before. Less smart, less capable, less human, less real, less worthy. God forbid I have a mood swing and get grumpy. This disease gives some people an excuse to be cruel and superior. But in a very nice and loving kind of way, mind you.

Depression is tough, but so is life. Depression is part of my life so I treat it as such. I am lucky to have an understanding and truly compassionate doctor and a best friend who deserves wings and a halo. They keep me steady (for the most part) and constantly repair me when I break myself into mental pieces and the rest of the world steps on those pieces. 

If you know someone who you think might be depressed, pray for them. Try to approach the subject of their getting help. Make it easy for them to open up. It's okay for you not to understand the depression; you can still love the person. And don't let their smiles fool you. No one can appear happier than a person who is about to drown in depression. 

Peace

--Free

One Hand and the Other

 I've posted here or on another of my blogs about how a friend of mine is battling cancer. One of the things that came up in a conversation she and I had was how everyone wants to see Jesus but nobody wants to die. We were talking about eternity, but the same thing applies to our daily lives.

We Christians want to see Heaven, but don't want to die to the things we enjoy  here on earth. I see so many family and friends hanging on to sin with one hand and reaching out to Jesus with the other. The Bible tells us to resist the devil and  he will flee. Oftentimes, we'd rather resist the gospel to hang on to some things of the world.

For a long time I did the same thing. I held on to some things because I didn't no better, but even when I learned better, I didn't want to really let go. I wanted to find some kind of biblical "loophole" that would allow me to ease my conscience. I had to learn to listen to more mature Christian brothers and sisters who would lead me to Scriptures about specific things. It was hard. I was resisting the gospel. Who knows what else I am doing in ignorance?

I had more than one person rebuke me about astrology and following horoscopes. A ministry about the music industry opened my eyes to tactics used in entertainment.  I had a heavy interest in the paranormal and the occult and was hooked on shows that featured hauntings and occult experiences. I had never really looked at or understood what the Bible had to say about this (Deuteronomy and Isaiah).  Thank the Holy Spirit for opening my eyes to some of these things.

What are some of the things you are hanging on to? Are they material things, attitudes, a way of life, expectations...? When we call ourselves "Christians" and still practice certain things, we are not being a good representative of Christ or the gospel. We may even be misleading other Christians into thinking that something is okay.

When I struggle with choosing the Lord over worldly things, I often think about the rich young ruler in the Bible. If he had not been rich and had nothing worldly to give up, choosing to follow Jesus would have been easier. I think that this is obviously true for all of us.

I was in communication recently with a young woman I know. She questioned my opinion that Yoga is not for Christians. I don't know if she is a Christian or not,  but one thing she said stuck with me. She mentioned that she has been practicing Yoga for fifteen years. When we put a lot of time or effort into something, we don't want to give it up. If this lady is a Christian, this will be a struggle for her.

Another friend of mine used to be a heavy partier and recreational drug user before she came to Christ. Though she had not been an alcoholic, she won't touch alcohol at all now because it reminds her of her past. She had to give up everything that tied her to that old life.

For some people, their struggle is with money or material possessions. Maybe they made their money illegally or gained their possessions immorally. How difficult would it be for, say, a drug dealer to give up the cars and homes they gained through criminal activity? What if doing that meant being dirt poor and having to start all over?

For some people, the struggle may be with giving up a lifestyle. How does someone who has gained all their esteem from being beautiful or exploiting their  physical attributes give up the vanity? (I now think of the lady named Gretchen on Real Housewives of Orange Country. In opening credits, she says "God is my savior, my husband is my king, and my body, it's sinful." At one point she did a "sexy" modeling shoot for her line of seductive clothing. Like so many people today, her sexy image is a huge part of her identity.

The point is that we all have weaknesses that the Enemy can use to keep us from being the most effective witnesses to the gospel. We need to learn where we are vulnerable and then work at giving those things up. We need to start resisting Satan and  not the gospel.

Let me end by adding this: I think that the Enemy loves to use us against each other. Most often, when someone tries to warn me of some spiritual danger, I don't immediately react with gratitude.  Usually, I am a little resentful and I either challenge them to show me where Scripture agrees with them (and we do need to always consult the Bible), or I disbelieve them completely. Sometimes, I try to point out that what I am doing is harmless since I don't take it seriously. I am learning to just  listen, check Scripture and pray on everything. If the Enemy had his way, every discussion would turn into bullying, resentment and just a general falling-out among believers.

Monday, February 06, 2006

February 6, 2006.

That was when I first started this blog. My FIRST blog. My very first post was "Introducing Free Being Free." I was about to leave Alaska and move to Arizona. My life was a scrambled puzzle and I was using the blog for comfort, advice, attention... Whatever.

I was such a different person then. Calling myself a Christian but not living like one. Lonely but not wanting to seek the right things in my life. I could have been settled, but I wasn't content.

If I could go back and do things differently, I would still have sold the house my sister and I owned, but I would not have gone to Arizona. I would not have ended up mixing family with business.  I would not have gotten married again.

Woulda, shoulda, coulda...

But who knows - my life might have been better as far as material things, but I might not have come this far in my walk with Christ. I think I needed the bad times and the heartache to get here. I needed to fall to my knees to call out to God. If that's it, then it's all been worth it.

I have to tell you, I thought about deleting some of the more revealing posts. I didn't like looking back at some parts of what I've gone through. Wanted to cover up a lot of the "old" me so that it wouldn't reflect badly on the reborn me. But, no. It's out there and maybe it needs to be. Maybe someone who is going through their own changes will be able to relate to it and use it to see what Christ can do to transform a life. Forgive me for the foul language and the worldly attitude of that "old" me.

So, still here. I am truly Free and I thank God for that.

Peace
--Free